Love Conkers All Hotel Trubble

Welcome to Hotel Trubble. Meet Sally, our receptionist.

People, trying to have a conversation here!

This is Lenny. He's a man of many talents!

This is Dolly. She's Mr Trubble's fiancee.

This is Mrs Poshington, the new cleaner.

Which just leaves me, Jamie. I'm the bell boy.

# Hotel Trubble forever

# It's the pits and we know we're stuck, but we love it

# Hotel Trubble forever

# We're a team, staying calm, arm in arm

# So the hotel survives

# Trubble, Trubble

# Keep the hotel alive! #

Sally, I'm telling you, this new door, it doesn't fit.

I am the door expert, so I should know about this kind of thing.

Lenny, remember what I said, you need to turn it around.

Oh, right! I knew that.

How long has our door expert been trying

-to get the door through there?

-What month it is now?

Never mind, I'm in such a good mood today that nothing can bother me.

The lady from Spectacular Stairs magazine is coming later

to take pictures of our award-winning stairs.

Here we go again!

Our stairs were voted the sixth best in Britain, you know!

I know. You've mentioned it, like, 400 times.

Cos it's a big deal!

Jamie, it's a magazine which about nine people read.

It will raise the profile of the hotel. That's important.

Just yesterday, Mr Trubble called it

the most exciting thing to ever happen to Hotel Trubble.

What's exciting?

Don't sneak up like that. You should wear a bell!

I've seen a very interesting TV show about inventions,

-so I've decided to come up with some.

-Oh, goody(!)

The first one is an absolute doozy.

It will help the hotel and make me a millionaire.

-You know how toilets are always horrible and smelly?

-Yeah.

I present...

the petal pooper!

It's a toilet made entirely out of flowers, so it always smells nice.

-Wouldn't the flowers die?

-Not if they're watered regularly.

How would they be watered? Never mind, forget I asked.

Anyway, must dash.

I'm taking a break from my inventing for today's exciting event.

I've got a special outfit planned and everything!

See? Dolly's excited about the stairs, too.

PHONE RINGS

Hello, Hotel Trubble.

GRUMBLING VOICE ON PHONE

Hi, Mr Trubble.

Yeah, I'll get Jamie for you.

JA-MIE-E-E-E-E!

I'M RIGHT HERE! YOU DON'T NEED TO SHOUT!

HELLO!

Sorry, Mr Trubble.

No, I wasn't shouting at you, sir.

Don't worry, everything is in place

for the visit of Spectacular Stairs Magazine.

And how are the arrangements going for the World Conker Championships?

Sorry, when is that?

Today?

Yes, of course I was joking!

I know it's the most exciting thing to ever happen to Hotel Trubble.

I knew that's what you meant when you said that yesterday

and not the visit of Spectacular Stairs,

which we're totally ready for too, by the way.

Yep, everything is ready.

OK, don't worry, sir. Bye.

-What World Conker Championship?

-What do you mean?

-He's left you about a million messages about it.

-I didn't see them.

There're in the usual place.

Jean's message container.

-That's a bin.

-Don't be ridiculous.

So this conker championship match is not really a big deal, is it?

It's only being beamed live from here

to millions of people across the world.

Oh, good, I was worried for a minute there(!) How did I not know?

You were obsessed with the stairs thing.

Have you not seen any of the adverts on TV? "It's conker mania!"

"MANIA! MANIA!"

I don't really have time to watch TV, I'm too busy running this place!

("Too busy running this place!")

Quick question - before I arranged the new doors,

did you want me to take the old ones out first?

Oh, this can't be happening. It can't be happening!

Mr Trubble's going to kill me and then fire me!

How could I miss this?

'Conker mania, mania, mania!'

Conkers!

# Some people think I'm bonkers But I just think I'm free

# And I'm just living my life There's nothing crazy about me. #

Conkers!

'The conker match the world is waiting to see.

'Live from Hotel Trubble.

'The undefeated Russian champion, Boris "The Bear" Bolshiman...'

RAAARGH!

Boris will be victorious!

'..meets the undefeated American champ, Louis "The Lip" Levinski.'

I ain't no clown. I ain't bonkers.

I'm going to win that crown because I'm king of the conkers!

'Conker mania!

'Live from Hotel Trubble today. Don't miss it!'

I think I'm going to be sick.

Competitors - when are the competitors getting here?

-Three, two, one.

-What?

Hotel Trubbleski? Boris is here.

-Am I good, or am I good?

-You must be Jamieski.

Oh, such a good looking boy.

I knew you would be.

Boris so happy to meet you after all the chatskis we have on phone.

Chatskis? We had chatskis?

-Boris's bag is outside.

-OK, I'll just...

No, no, no, no, no! Boris carry his own bag.

You must be so tired with all the arrangements you make for Boris.

This is where Boris shall win World Championshipski.

Boris feels good.

What chatskis?

Oh, yeah! People are always ringing up, asking to talk to you

and you're always off, you know.

-Working.

-Obsessing about stairs.

Rather than coming to look for you,

-I thought it would be easier if I just did you.

-Sorry, "did" me?

NASAL VOICE Hello. Jamie speaking.

How can I be of assistance?

-It doesn't sound anything like me!

-It does. Even your mum falls for it.

-And she's upset you didn't come to dinner on Sunday.

-What dinner?

She called up last week to ask if you wanted to come to dinner.

Boris has bag. Arrangements are all in place for Boris?

Yes, yes, of course.

Jamieski, why your voice sound so different? Are you illski?

No. I mean, I was.

I had a really, really bad cold, when we spoke on the phone,

-but I'm all right now.

-Excellentski!

Where is highly skilled training partner for Boris?

-The one you promise on phoneski.

-Er, yes...

-I've done my, er...

-Here he is,

your highly skilled training partner, Lenny.

Is this another promotion?

Yeah. You are now the hotel's official conker trainer.

Sweet. Let me check my badges.

Donkey trainer, Poet Laureate.

-Conker trainer. Bingo.

-Ah!

Lenninski. Ha-ha-ha!

Oh, Boris like this very much.

Was Boris's mother's name.

# Hey! Hey! #

-Really?

-With your help, Lenninski,

Boris can defeat pipsqueak Louis "The Lip" Lipinski...ski.

The name's Levinski, you big clod-hopper, not Lipinski-ski!

Why don't you learn to talk proper-ly?

Great, he speaks in rhyme. That won't get annoying any time soon(!)

-Boris will beat you.

-Oh, yeah?

-Yeah!

-Yeah?

-Yeah!

-Yeah?

-Yeah!

My conker will be victorious!

My conker is a stonker.

Come on, guys, come on, there's no need to, you know...

BREAK IT UP!

I have little brothers.

Boris will...

No way, Jose!

It's incredible!

JAZZY MUSIC

# Welcome to Hotel Trubble! #

BREAKING GLASS Yeah!

Wow. That dress...

Makes the petal pooper look tasteful.

It cannot be!

Mrs Poshington!

I'm a huge fan. You is the man!

I go to all this effort and they go crazy for the cleaner!

Er, what's going on?

What's going on? Say, who's the dude?

-Is he dim, dumb or dopey, or just a bit rude?

-It's Jamieski.

Jamie! We spoke, bro. Your voice was all weird,

like a chicken what's blocked where an egg's disappeared.

Yeah, I just got over a bit of a cold.

How do you know who Mrs Poshington is?

Jamieski make jokeski. Boris like.

I do? I mean... I do!

Da! It's good.

Of course we know world famous Mrs Poshington.

One half of Poshington-Pablinski.

Greatest conker playing doubles team in history.

That was a while ago now.

They redefined the game. It's never been the same.

Before that, no-one thought of putting a conker on a string.

That was their big thing. Amazing!

Jamie, you such a clever guy.

Mrs Poshington is special secret referee for us, no?

Too good to be true. I never thought they'd get you.

Of course, Mrs P will be refereeing the match.

Oh, I don't know about that!

I still have a few toilets to clean.

You make world famous Mrs P clean toiletski?!

That stinks. We wouldn't be so forgiving

if someone let such a living legend clean bogs for a living.

No, no, no. Of course not. That's just another fine example

-of the legendary Poshington sense of humour.

-It is?

HE LAUGHS FEEBLY

She cracks me up.

THEY JOIN IN THE LAUGHTER

You two will probably want to get settled in.

-The television cameras will be here in...

-One hour.

-One hour. One hour?!

Here you go. You want to know how good I am?

I'm fast like lightning, strong like smelly cheese.

My aim is perfect and I aim to please.

Yes, so you mentioned, about 46 times now.

Here's your room. I think you'll find it perfectly suits your needs.

If it's so perfect, like you suggested,

where's the hot tub that I know I specifically requested?

It's in the bathroom. It's a little small.

It looks a bit like a toilet.

Groovy. Now, shove off, nincompoop, and get me my cream egg soup.

Sure. If there's any chance you could drop the rhyme?

It's a little annoying all the time.

He's got me doing it now!

And with the soup, best not forget the radish thing that can upset.

Of course, how can I forget?

And can I just check...?

What a lovely man(!)

OK, Lenninski, special training partner. Now we warm up, yes?

Er...er, OK.

Lenninski, you funny guy.

Is very good.

So, what's all this about Louis and radishes?

Oh, yeah, it's really important.

What exactly about radishes? He wants a certain type or what?

I don't know. I just remember it was really important.

Great. I'll go and talk to chef.

No, it's his nap time. You know he doesn't like to be interrupted.

I've got no choice.

Here goes nothing.

CRASH

GROANING

One radish soup.

He's actually in quite a good mood today.

OK, Lenninski, I think I am warmed up enough now.

-Right. Well, if you're sure.

-Yes.

Right. Well, I'll be off then.

You know, just a quick trip to the hospital.

-Now is time for my special massage.

-Right.

It's so lucky you are fully qualified

in the special Russian massage.

Well, you know...

that's what the badge says and...

-badges don't lie.

-Come, we begin.

Yeah.

How hard can this be?

-Jamie.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa!

-I know why you're here.

-Good, I was wondering myself.

You're going to try to convince me to come down

and be part of this conker thingy.

-I am?

-I know the hotel needs me to give the event a bit of glamour.

But I won't do it.

Nobody said they like my lovely outfit.

I am very offended.

Oh, OK.

So don't try and talk me around.

-No problem.

-OK? Well?

HE STUTTERS

Thank you for your understanding.

OK.

Huwahhh...

Take that in the target zone.

Take that wooden little man.

Room service!

-Time to get fed. It is like I said?

-Of course.

Cos if a radish come at me it's going to straight up slap me.

-I gots to give a respect for that horrendous effect.

-OK, enjoy.

How hard is it to speak in normal sentences?

"I've got to give them respect for their horrendous effect."

Horrendous effect?

SCREAMING

Radishes. I can't eat radishes.

I was completely clear, I cannot eat radishes.

Please tell me you did not serve me a radish in that dish?

No. Of course not. I mean, hardly any.

I'm sure you'll be fine. Argh!

What? Oh, man.

Do I gots what I think I gots?

It is those crazy, huge, red, itchy, angry unsightly,

ugly-looking great big nasty spots?!

No, it's fine. You're fine.

-Everything is absolutely...

-HE WAILS

..fine.

It's bad and no-one's going to save me.

I got to spend two days in gravy.

Gravy? Is that just you struggling to find a rhyme or...?

Gravy, really. For real, no joke.

I got to sit in a big old tub of gravy to get rid of these spots.

-So get me lots.

-All right. Be nice and warm, I suppose.

Help me.

I got spots on all my features.

I can't go out there looking like a pizza!

Billy's so strong, he can win on his own.

-But I lose this match, I can't go home.

-Billy?

Billy, the world's greatest conker. Makes me proud to carry him.

He's brave, noble, valiant,

funny, handsome, charming and an excellent kisser.

And if it wasn't illegal, I'd like to marry him.

Billy, you say - wow.

Relax. We'll work something out. Everything will be A-OK.

SCREAMING

Including whatever that was.

This day just keeps getting worse and worse.

-All right, you talked me into it.

-I did?

I will come down and appear on international television,

but only because it's a favour to you.

-Thank you.

-HE SOBS

Oh, Jamie. There's no need to cry.

I know it means a lot to you.

Yeah.

Also, you're standing on my foot.

Oh, right. See you later then.

-GROANING

-No. Shh! Shh!

-What happened here?

-Nothing, just...nice little massage.

Aren't massages supposed to be relaxing?

Jamie. Come here.

My friend...you must help me.

I cannot conker like this.

I cannot concede! The whole of Russia watches this match.

You must help me.

Olga can win on her own.

Let me guess, Olga is...?

The greatest conker in the history of the world.

Right. Just out of interest,

how can you tell which conkers are boys and...

Oh, Jamie, you must help me.

Don't worry. Everything will be fine. Relax.

Let's not go tying ourselves in knots here, huh?

JAMIE LAUGHS

You're not in a joking mood. I can see that now.

'OK, is camera two ready?'

'Yep. Just lining it up now.'

Oh, hello, Sally. I thought you'd be out front.

Isn't being on TV a big thing for you?

Of course not, I'm not into all that shallow stuff.

'Someone tell the receptionist that if she attempts to get on camera

-'one more time, I'll throw her out of the building.

-Will do.'

I'd like to see you try!

Jamie, is everything ready for the big match?

Yes. Of course, Mrs Poshington.

As you know, we're almost as famous here at Hotel Trubble

for running a tight ship as we are for our award-winning stairs.

'Who is this idiot?'

Sally, emergency staff meeting, now.

Oh, do we have to?

Yes.

'Is everyone around here nuts? Right, team.

'We've only got ten minutes before we go live... For crying out loud!

-'What on earth is this?'

-Good question.

The petal pooper.

A revolutionary step forward in the field of lavatories.

It flushes, flowers and...

-FARTING

-..fragrances.

Or you'll get your money back.

-'Security!'

-Available from all good department stores.

'Right, let's take a break.'

Right. Boris and Louis are both completely out of action.

-How?

-That doesn't matter now.

How are we going to get out of this? Any ideas?

-We can set the building on fire.

-No.

-You could tell the truth.

What? Explain to everyone that we, the staff of Hotel Trubble,

have managed to completely crock both contestants right before

-a televised conker championship match?

-Yes.

-How big a fire?

-Jamie.

-Not now, please, Mrs P.

-I can try and stall them.

-For about a week?

It's really important.

So is this, Mrs P.

-We could go to the zoo.

-How does that help?

Because I like going to the zoo.

What were we talking about again?

-But Jamie.

-Yes, Mrs P. What is it?

I wanted to tell you, that as referee, I shall be insisting

that both contestants wear these masks for protection.

-Health and safety, you know?

-Right. Good idea.

Masks, you say?

Yes.

Right, that's every cushion in the whole hotel.

You look great. Everything is great.

It's just conkers. Anyone can play conkers.

Oh, this beard is itchy.

Beard is fine for me-ski.

-Are you sure this is going to work?

-Of course.

Boris and Louis both said their conkers could win it on their own.

These masks mean no-one will know it's really us.

And remember, try not to say anything, but if you have to,

try and sound like Boris.

-How do I do that?

-It's easy. Just do a deep voice

and say "iski" at the end of every few words for no reason.

Okely-dokely-iski.

Boris, is that you...ski?

KNOCK ON DOOR

-MRS POSHINGTON: Are the contestants ready?

-Yep.

Excuse me.

IMPERSONATES LOUIS: I mean, I was born ready.

Just try and stop me.

Some people drink tea...

I like coffee.

This will never work!

Welcome, viewers of the world to Conker Mania.

With your hosts Jump Weasel and Dan Sacks.

The first ever conker World Championship,

broadcasting live from Hotel Bubble.

-It's Trubble.

-COMMENTATOR: 'Trubble.

'Welcome folks. We're just seconds away.

'I can see Boris approaching the ring.

'Conkers come from horse chestnuts.

'And Boris looks like he's got two horses strapped to his chest.

-'Not!

-He's the owner of a massive gas pipeline.'

FARTING 'Boy, does it stink.'

The paper pooper, the loo of the future. Get off!

-Available from...

-'Sorry about that, folks.

'We seem to be experiencing some technical difficulties.

-'Yeah, with the crazy toilet lady.

-Let's grab a quick word.

'So, how are you feeling, Boris?'

-I-ski feeling good-ski.

-FARTING

'The pressure's obviously getting to the Russian.

'Boy, does that pressure stink. Phwoar!

'And here comes Louis The Lip Lipinski.

'You mean Louis The Whimp Lipinski.

'Watch it, he married my sister, Mertyl.

'Sorry. What have you got to say for yourself, Whimpski?'

If this is tea.

I smell like lightning.

I don't like crowns, I find them frightening.

Oh, yeah.

'Clearly the strain's getting to these two players.

'Yes, the strain of those leotards.'

-Are both contestants ready?

-Yes.

-Yeah.

At the toss of a coin, Boris will go first.

-Yeah!

-Get set and...

WHISTLE

'The Russian gets first hit. A massive advantage.

'Not as massive as his waist band.

'Oh, my word! An air shot.

'Never happened before in the Russian's career.

'This is almost unbelievable.'

But still, most definitely, believable.

'I can't wait to see a replay of that.

'Now, watch, he lines up the shot perfectly and then misses.

'And you should see his Mrs - talk about 1066 - what a conqueror!

-'She's got a nice beard though.

-So is his mummy.

-Ha-ha-ha!

'Can the American Louis The Lip Lipinski

'take advantage of the Russian's monumental mistake?

'The Russian certainly likes to eat a lot of steak.

'The American likes it well done.

'Great conkers of creation. He's missed two! He's missed two!

'The tension is getting to these athletes.

'The tension of that waist band.

'Advantage is back with the Russian.

'Oh, it must be important. They've gone into slow-mo.

-'And the American's lost it!

-Oh, and the Russian's dropped one too.

-'It really stinks.

-Smelt down.'

Both conkers broken.

It's a draw.

It's a double smash! Double smash!

Double smash. Double smash.

'Get off!

'What are the odds? The first world conker championship is a draw!

'Well, paint me pink and call me Mabel!

'OK, Mabel.'

I had a similar thing happen to me in the 1985 Helsinki trophy.

Oh, well.

It's time for tea.

'This may be the most shocking thing ever in the history of everything.

-'There was that time when you...

-Hey, shut your face, jerk!

'Now there's got to be a re-match between these two.'

Not for ages, though.

I'm a busy guy.

I've got to go home.

And...bake a pie.

'Hey, I thought he was allergic to pie?

'Yeah, makes him puke!'

See you, Boris. See you, Louis.

Sorry about the horrible injuries and for breaking your conkers.

Don't worry, nobody will ever find out we faked the whole thing.

Oh, Jamie, I've managed to get most of the spare doors out now.

Oh, Lenny! You've ruined the stairs.

Wait a sec. The stairs.

Spectacular Stairs Magazine is HERE!

This is horrendous.

My readers will be disgusted.

-No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

-PHONE RINGS

Hello. Hotel Trubble.

Yes, we are holding the Tiddlywinks World Championship tomorrow.

# Hotel Trubble forever

# It's the pits and we know it's stuck, but we love it

# Hotel Trubble forever

# We're a team staying calm on and on

# So the hotel survives

# Trubble, Trubble Keep the hotel alive. #