Football Fever Hotel Trubble

Welcome to Hotel Trubble.

Meet Sally, our receptionist...

People! Trying to have a conversation here!

And this is Lenny, he's a man of many talents.

This is Dolly. She's Mr Trubble's...fiancee.

And this is Mrs Poshington, the new cleaner.

Which just leaves me, Jamie.

I'm the bellboy.

# Hotel Trubble forever

# It's the pits and we know it

# We're stuck but we love it

# Hotel Trubble forever

# We're a team staying calm on and on

# So the hotel survives

# Trubble, Trubble keep the hotel alive. #

Sally, I need to talk to you about something. It's about the big game

tonight, England versus Germany.

Well, not that you'd know anything about football and all,

being a girl.

-Hang on, what on earth are you wearing?

-What?

-You appear to be dressed as a Mexican bandit.

-And?

And that's a bit weird.

Mr Trubble took Dolly to see a cowboy film last night.

Right, right,

and now she's decided to give the hotel a Wild West theme? Great!

She's been giving the hotel different themes!

On Monday she made us dress up like pirates...

Yarr, me hearties!

Can I take your bags for you, please?

-PARROT:

-Who's a pretty boy now?

-Bird brain!

-Yarr!

And then she thought it would give the hotel a unique appeal

if you guys pretended to be statues.

Excuse me?

-Excuse me?

-BELL TOLLS

Excuse me?

I'm so sick of Dolly acting like she runs the place.

These ridiculous themes will drive customers away.

She'll run this hotel into the ground! That woman is...

-Yes, Jamie?

-..helpful person I've ever met.

Oh, I'm glad you think so, my angel.

-You can be Sheriff.

-'Yee-haa!'

SHE LAUGHS

PHONE RINGS

Hello, Hotel Trubble?

Don't forget the script.

Oh, yes.

MEXICAN ACCENT: Ole! Hotel Trubblay!

Lah-lah-lah! How can I help you, Senor?

PHONE PUT DOWN Bye.

Jamie, from now on I want you all to wear those, um, wheelie shoes.

-Wheelie shoes?

-Yeah, the ones with the little wheels in?

-Why?

-You lot are so slow,

it's like the hotel is run by a family of tortoises.

These will speed you up.

Dolly, I bet you £5 you'll never get any of the staff wearing these.

HE YELLS

THUD! SMASH!

About this whole changing the hotel thing.

Can you please stop doing it?

Listen, sweethearts, Mr Trubble told me that I can

do whatever I like with this place.

If either of you two have a problem

you can take it up with Mr Hotel Trubble himself.

Is Hotel really his first name?

-Yeah, weird, innit?

-Yeah.

-So, are we clear, then?

-Yes.

-Yes, Dolly.

-Lovely.

Now, where has Mrs Posh got to?

-I've had enough of this!

-Oh!

-Lenny!

-Sorry.

Lenny and I are going to be in the TV room tonight

-watching the big, important...

-Football match. I know.

England in the World Cup. I can't wait!

Well, how do you know about it? You're a girl.

Girls can like football to you know, Jamie.

But not as much as me and Lenny, right, Lenny?

Yeah, I know football like the back of my hand. Oh!

What's that?

-The back of your hand.

-Oh, right.

You're going to have to look after the hotel while we watch the game.

Wow, Jamie, you never let anyone but you look after the hotel.

I know, and I'm trusting you to keep an eye on her, Sally.

Don't let me down. It's OK, my darling.

I'll be with you soon.

OK...

But, Jamie, what if I want to watch the match?

I get it, you just want to watch the match so you can

drool over all the players.

Who is it you fancy again? Dwayne Looney?

Well, to be fair, he is dreamy.

Yeah, Jamie, I do fancy Dwayne Looney.

I fancy him for top scorer this season.

His movement in the box is second to none.

You wouldn't recognise Dwayne Looney if he walked in now and wanted

to book a room.

Can I book a room?

Just one moment. We're discussing Dwayne Looney.

He is Dwayne Looney!

Agh! Agh!

Mr Looney, can I help you? That's Jamie and he's having a breakdown.

I'm OK! I'm OK.

Just doing some filing.

How did you know I was Dwayne Looney?

-I'm supposed to be in disguise.

-Oh, really? What's your disguise?

Oh! This!

Oh, yeah. How did I ever recognise you?

Well, that was a waste of £10,000.

Can I book a room for the night?

All the nice hotels are down the road and to the right.

Yeah, if you just come out of here and cross the road...

I'd like to book a room here.

-Here? Why?

-You're famous!

Massively famous!

-Because of the advert.

-ALL: Advert?

Tired of the strain of being an internationally famous superstar?

All that money and fame getting you down?

Then come to Hotel Trubble.

Whisk your troubles away in our luxurious spa.

Get fit in our state-of-the-art gymnasium.

Dolly...

-But Hotel Trubble is absolutely nothing like that.

-Lenny!

This is Dwayne Looney.

We want him to stay here.

I mean, Hotel Trubble is exactly like that. It's brilliant.

SMASH!

SHE LAUGHS

-Please excuse Lenny, he's a bit of a joker!

-You like jokes do you?

I'm good at telling jokes.

I make all the team laugh with them. Here's one for you.

There's a chicken, and he wants to get to the other

side of the road, right?

So, he crosses it.

Oh, yeah!

-Funny, isn't it?

-That is hilarious, Mr Looney.

-Call me Dwayne.

-Shouldn't you be preparing for the match?

-I'm not playing.

THEY GASP

-What?

-But if you don't play in the match,

then England will probably lose.

Which means we won't qualify for the World Cup.

Everyone would just give up, so there'll be

no police or army, and there'll be a plague

of zombie squirrels taking over.

It's bound to happen eventually. There'll be no-one to stop them,

so they'll rule the world!

I think you might be going a bit over the top there, mate.

You won't be saying that the giant zombie squirrels come.

Look, I'm not playing, and that's the end of it.

Oh, if a man comes looking for me he says my

m...m...m...m...m...manager, then I'm not here.

Why are you hiding from your m...m...m...m...m...manager?

Cos he's always shouting at me!

People think I'm going to be tough, but I'm not!

I hate it when people shout at me, and he shouts at me all the time.

No-one likes being shouted at, Dwayne.

But if you don't play...

England will lose!

-Now you're shouting at me!

-No, Dwayne, we're not shouting at you!

Yes you are! You're shouting at me now!

All right! All right! Maybe now I'm shouting at you!

HE BAWLS

All right, Dwayne. Look, please stop crying, OK? Stop crying.

OK. I tell you what, I'll make a deal with you.

You keep it secret that I'm here, and I promise I'll tell the whole

world that this is the best hotel I've ever stayed in...

If Dwayne Looney says he likes the hotel, then people will come

from miles around

and finally,

Hotel Trubble will be the greatest hotel in the world.

Muha-ha-ha!

HE LAUGHS EVILLY

-Jamie?

-Yes?

-You're not seriously considering this?

Yeah, what about the football match?

-Mr Looney, you've got yourself a deal.

-Ah!

-Sorry.

-Well, that's great.

Now, I'm going to have a look around this hotel.

I'm really excited about your state-of-the-art gym.

Yeah, yeah. Lenny, why don't you show Mr Looney to his room

and then to our state-of-the-art gym.

OK. But we haven't got a state-of-the-art gym.

-Then make something up!

-Right, right.

Just this way, Mr Looney.

Oh my goodness, I can't believe it!

Yes, Dolly, its Mr Dwayne Looney.

-Shh!

-Oh, I thought it was David Beckham.

Well, never mind. Close enough. Welcome to the hotel, Mr Looney.

-I trust that you will enjoy your stay.

-Looks all right.

Yeah, well, I'm sure you're really impressed by my cowboy theme.

Not really.

Oh, I don't know! No one appreciates my creativity around here.

Anyway, Mr Looney, your room is just here.

HOOVES RUNNING

Oh, maybe that's where she put the stables. We'll find another room.

Bound to be one, somewhere.

WILD WEST THEME

SHE SNORES

SCOTTISH ACCENT: Excuse me. Hey! Speedy Gonzales, wake up!

I said, wake up!

Can I get some service here? Don't you know who I am?

Yeah, you're Sir Alex Farteson, England manager!

-And?

-And the most respected and feared football coach in the world.

And?

The inventor of the electric whisk.

'Only 9.9999.'

But that's no' important right now.

SMASH!

I've got a wee question for you, little missy.

Have you seen this man?

Louis Walsh?

That's the wrong picture. I dinnae know how he got in there.

Let's start again.

Have you seen this man?

-Oh, Dwayne, yes...

-No, no, no, no, no!

No, we haven't seen him, not us.

Why would he stay here?

-What kind of music do you like?

-What kind of music do I like?

What's that got to do with it?

It's Leona Lewis.

She has the voice of an angel.

# Light up, Light up... #

But that's no' important right now.

Do you know to whom you're speaking to whom?

Jamie, this is Sir Alex Farteson, England manager.

Oh yes, of course it is.

I knew that. I know more about football than you, so...

He needs Dwayne Looney to play in the game tonight.

Dwayne Looney, well of course he does.

But I haven't seen him.

I mean, on the telly, I've seen him, but not here.

He's a massive football star. What would he be doing here?

-Are you sure you've no' seen him?

-Positive.

Are you taking me seriously, Little Boy Blue?

I've had a tip-off Looney is staying at a top hotel in this area.

-Well, all the top hotels are down the road on the right.

-Oh!

..Sorry, my darling, I didn't mean that.

I suppose I'd better start there, then.

Here's my business card.

If you see him, phone me.

If you don't see him, phone me.

No-one ever phones me. I get lonely sometimes.

And if I find you've been hiding him here I'm going to flatten you so

hard you'll think every day is Pancake Day with you as the pancakes!

You know what happens to pancakes, don't you?

They get covered in lemon juice and sugar,

and then they get eaten!

And, if he's been hiding in this hotel,

I'm going to burn the place to be ground!

Under controlled and safe conditions, of course.

Rargh!

Rargh!

And fix this door!

-That was the scariest man I've ever met.

-Yep.

-Is this it?

-Yep.

Full state-of-the-art gymnasium.

Looks like an office to me.

Dwayne, your jokes are so funny, you know.

Look, come and look at our brand new weightlifting machine.

That's a lamp, isn't it?

No, it's definitely a weightlifting machine. Come and have a go.

Hey, this is great.

-Oh, the light's come on.

-Yeah!

-That means you're the strongest.

-I'm the strongest!

Oh...

I'll probably have to pay for that,

but it's all right. It doesn't matter.

HE LAUGHS

What are we going to do about Dwayne Looney?

We're going to have to tell Farteson he's here.

But Dwayne won't tell everyone to stay here.

In fact, he'll probably tell people not to stay here.

Hotel, hotel, hotel... Jamie, do you know what?

If you love the hotel so much, why don't you just marry it?

I tried, OK? They wouldn't let me.

England will lose the game without Dwayne's goal-scoring ability.

Will you please stop pretending to know about football? You're a girl.

It's not possible.

I think England winning the World Cup is a little more important than this

-poxy hotel.

-Oh-oh!

Don't listen to the nasty woman, my darling.

OK, let's think.

If we can find out what's stopping him and help him get over it,

then he can win the match and he'll big up the hotel. Easy as pie.

-Hello?

-Hello?

-Hello?

-Hello?

-Hello?

-Hello?

-This gym is great.

-I know, I never even knew it existed.

-Hello?

-Hello?

-Hello?

-Hello, Mr Looney.

-Feeling any better?

-Yeah, I am actually.

A lot fitter too. Your gym's ace.

Especially the rowing machine.

Look at that. Rowing machine.

Right, we've been talking,

and we think you should play in the match tonight, yeah?

No. I've told you, I don't want to.

But you've got to, Dwayne.

The hopes of a nation are resting on your shoulders.

Plus our hotel will be history if you don't.

But the pressure and the shouting.

HE BAWLS

Don't cry. You just need a pep talk. Right, Lenny?

Yeah, yeah.

This is a pepper.

Peppers come in a variety of sizes and colours.

Pepper's go nice in sandwiches, chillies and salads.

-Lenny, not a "pepper talk", a pep talk.

-Oh, right. Yeah.

What's one of those?

Doesn't make any difference whether you talk about

peppers or courgettes or whatever.

-Avocados?

-Whatever! I'm not playing.

I can't play and that's the end of it.

What do you mean, you can't play?

I've got a condition.

I'm sure we can help you out with it.

What is it, dodgy knees, bad back?

You're turning into a giant zombie squirrel.

-No, no, the doctor cured that.

-Oooh.

No, the condition I've got, it's... HE GULPS

footie fright.

THEY GASP

-What's that?

-Yeah, what is that? I've never even heard of it.

-Yeah, me neither.

-Oh, right.

You know stage fright which is where actors get too frightened to go

on stage? Footie fright's like that, but with football.

And no actors. And no stage. And no tubs of ice cream which is a shame,

-because I really like those.

-Dwayne, focus!

How long have you been feeling like this?

Well, it all started about three weeks ago.

We were playing a game and I was really enjoying myself.

I was having so much fun that I started to think about other things

that make me happy. Legoland, crab sandwiches, embroidery.

I was daydreaming so much that I got distracted and I forgot which way we

were playing, what colour my team was wearing and what my name was.

It's Dwayne Looney.

Anyway, before I knew it, I'd scored a hat-trick.

-But that's good, Dwayne.

-A hat-trick of own-goals!

-Sorry.

-Now I'm so scared it's going to happen again,

I've got footie fright, I've got it bad, see. Real bad.

I can't even look at a football without bursting into tears.

HE BAWLS

You do cry a lot.

I tried telling Farteson, but he's not a very understanding person.

He got so mad when I told him I couldn't play.

Did he...

-give you the hairdryer?

-Not just the hairdryer, I got that first.

FARTESON ROARS

Then I got the shower.

FARTESON ROARS

Then I got the barber.

FARTESON ROARS

I know I'm letting everyone down, but I just can't play any more.

-FARTESON:

-Looney!

-Oh, no, he's here.

Farteson's here. If he catches me, he'll make me play again.

I know you're here.

Calm down. Action stations, everyone.

Lenny, you go and distract Mr Farteson.

Sally, you help Looney get over his footie fright.

-And what are you going to do?

-I never thought I'd say this,

but I think we need Dolly's help.

Where are you, Looney?

I know you're here, Looney.

-Hello, can I help you?

-Where is he?

-Who?

-Listen, Mr Play-Doh Head.

That's not very nice.

Oh, is there something wrong with you? Have you got a wee cold?

Did you sneeze so hard that your brain fell through your nose?

No, I don't think so.

I'm talking about Dwayne Looney!

I know he's here.

No, he's not here, honest.

Don't you lie to me, sonny.

I know he's here.

I've done a wee bit of investigating.

That's his car outside.

This is a checking-in form that you sign when you check in to a hotel.

Signed by Mr Dwayne Looney.

And these...

are his fingerprints.

-Wow, that was impressive with the car and the...

-I know.

As well as being manager and coach to the England team,

inventor of the electric whisk and head of the Leona Lewis Fan Club,

-I'm also a keen amateur sleuth.

-Busy you.

-But that's no' important right now.

-SMASH!

-Where is he?

-Oh, Dwayne Looney.

You see, because I thought you meant...Shane Looney.

You know, Shane Looney?

The famous sheep farmer.

Cos Dwayne Looney was staying here. I mean, no, he was. No, he is.

It's just that he's in...

-Are you try to think of something to say?

-No!

You're about to make something up, aren't you?

-No, I'm not.

-It's too late now. You're taking far too long.

-Just wait a minute and then...

-< CRASHING!

That's it, he's in the kitchen.

Yeah, he's in the kitchen helping chef with the...

with all the cooking and...

Thank you for being honest with me.

You've been a great help.

Mmm. This is very strange. I think what we need to do

is start with something that's like a football, but smaller.

Don't panic, it's OK, it's just shaped like a you-know-what.

HE WHIMPERS

-I'm really not sure about this, Dolly.

-Oh, don't you worry, Mrs P,

we're just using the new jet packs instead of the wheelies.

More futuristic, you know. You'll be fine.

Dolly, I've had a idea.

-Hang on, what's going on?

-Oh, don't worry about this, Mrs P's just

trying out the new jetpacks. Right.

Off you go, Mrs P.

Wahh-ah!

Mrs P?

Mrs P?

Don't worry, she should have enough fuel.

I want you to help me with the new theme for the hotel.

I thought you thought my themes were rubbish.

No, no, it just took me a while to appreciate them. I need you

-to help me remind Dwayne Looney what a great footballer he is.

-Oh, right.

-What do you have in mind?

-Well...

Now, you've done the egg,

the golf ball, the rugby ball, the elephant poo, the papier mache head

of Russell Brand, and you've just about managed the grapefruit.

Now it's time for the you-know-what.

Now, don't worry. A football is just like a grapefruit or a

papier mache head of Russell Brand, the only difference is you kick it.

OK, we'll try the grapefruit again.

Now close your eyes.

Now open them.

HE SCREAMS

Oh. Oh, it's all right.

See? It's not so bad.

You're not fit to lick Gordon Ramsay's gravy.

Well, your head is shaped like a bagpipe and it is being squeezed

by your mother's hairy arms.

This is great, I've never met a man

who likes to shout as much as me, it's the best day of my life.

-You smell like something that has gone off.

-That's him occupied.

Come on, Lenny. I need you to help me and Dolly with something.

-I'm not going to get fired from a cannon again, am I?

-No. No.

Oh, I quite enjoyed that.

-Surprise!

-What's all this?

Dwayne Looney, we've created a special theme in your honour.

For tonight, this isn't Hotel Trubble, it's called Hotel Looney.

What? You named the hotel after me?

Why would you do something like that? I'm just a big crybaby.

No, no, you're not, Dwayne.

You're a hero.

We're begging you to play tonight.

-The whole nation is depending on you.

-Yeah, even the pets.

MIAOW!

You're right. You're right!

I don't need to be scared any more, I'm the best footballer in the world.

And it's about time I showed it.

I won't let the nation down,

-I'm going to play tonight and we're going to win.

-Yes!

Go get 'em!

WHIZZING! Hang on, what's that sound?

-Whee!

-THUD!

That was the greatest ride of my life.

ALL: Mrs P!

Oh, did I do something wrong?

Ow!

-Oh!

-This is the worst Christmas ever.

-Lenny, it's not Christmas.

-Oh, well,

-things aren't so bad then.

-Not so bad?

Not so bad? Farteson's going to finish fighting the chef.

And when he finds out what's happened to his star player

and that it was our fault,

he'll scream us all bald and smash this hotel to dust.

That chef is a good man, I've never

known anyone to stand up to Sir Alex Farteson in a shouting match.

Blow my bagpipes, only ten minutes to the game.

Now look, sonny. I'm not messing.

Where is Dwayne Looney?

Here I am, boss.

Oh, there you are.

I'm afraid he had a little accident

-with a jet pack and a geriatric.

-What?

I'm going to tear this hotel to pieces!

Rargh! Rargh!

Would you like a sarnie, boys? Eat my cheese, McNumpty.

TV SPORTS THEME

I don't get it, she's a girl!

You...

are the most gifted natural footballer I've ever seen.

See, I told you I could play, Jamie.

There's only one thing for it,

the game begins in four-and-a-half minutes.

And you, missy, are playing.

SHE LAUGHS

TV: And that's it, the final whistle,

1-0, England are in the World Cup and that's all thanks to last-minute

surprise replacement, I'm sorry, I don't actually know her name.

-ALL:

-Sally!

Oh, apparently, it's Sally.

THEY CHEER

-Who wants nibbles?

-Jamie, Jamie, it's all worked out brilliant.

Looney's agreed to do an advert for the hotel.

-Everybody's going to want to stay!

-It's all thanks to Hotel Trubble.

No, it's all thanks to Sally.

I feel so bad for not believing in her. She was amazing.

-Now do you believe girls can like football?

-Yeah, I'm sorry, Sally.

And as a thank-you, Mr Farteson has got us tickets to Wrestlemania.

-Wrestlemania!

-Oh, brilliant.

-Great. You won't want to come, will you, Sally?

-Why not?

Because girls don't like wrestling, it's obvious.

THUMP! JAMIE GROANS

PHONE RINGS

Hello, Hotel... Stay down. ..Trubble?

# Hotel Trubble forever

# It's the pits and we know we're stuck

# But we love it

# Hotel Trubble forever

# We're a team staying calm on and on

# So the hotel survives

# Trubble, Trubble Keep the hotel alive. #