An Inspector Calls Hotel Trubble


An Inspector Calls

Hotel sitcom. A hotel inspector is on her way. On her last visit she found 536 things wrong with the hotel.


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Transcript


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Welcome to Hotel Trubble. Meet Sally, our receptionist.

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People trying to have a conversation here.

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And this is Lenny. He's a man of many talents.

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This is Dolly. She's Mr Trubble's...ahem...fiancee.

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And this is Mrs Poshington. The new cleaner.

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Which just leaves me, Jamie. I'm the bellboy.

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# Hotel Trubble forever

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# It's the pits And we know we're stuck

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# But we love it

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# Hotel Trubble forever

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# We're a team staying calm

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# Arm in arm

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# So the hotel survives

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# Trubble Trubble

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# Keep the hotel alive! #

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Right, team!

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As you know, this afternoon we have our second visit

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from the hotel inspector, Miss Beasley.

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Today, the 23rd June, is a big day in Hotel Trubble's history.

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IF it goes badly, it won't have a future.

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23rd June?

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Now, I want this hotel in tip-top shape.

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We need...

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Where'd Lenny go?

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Was he here?

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Last time...

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..she found 526 things about our hotel that were...

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HE GULPS

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..unsatisfactory.

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'Unsatisfactory. Unsatisfactory. Unsatisfactory. Unsatisfactory.'

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Ohh, he's having another flashback.

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Should we disturb him?

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Mm...we'll leave it a minute. He was beginning to get on my nerves.

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'Unsatisfactory. Unsatisfactory. Unsatisfactory.'

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It's good for the posture. Supposed to be good for the posture...

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SNAP!

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-I mean, that's never happened before.

-No, I'm sure.

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CREAK! SQUEAK!

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-Oh...

-Erm...

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OK, don't worry about that. I've got you...

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Just give me your hands.

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Give me your hands...

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There we go. Pulling you up. I haven't got you.

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I haven't got you at all...

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HANDLE CREAKS

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Oh!

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Argh!

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-What are you doing?!

-She was sitting on the bed one second

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-and then she just fell in!

-Get me out!

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HOOVERING

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SUCKING

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OK, Sally, you're here. Good. We need your help.

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Get that side, I'll get this side.

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Get me out of here!

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OK, we're going to get you out.

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We're wrecking the bed!

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Oh...

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-I've got you. Are you all right?

-Yes, thank you...

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-I just need to talk to you...

-Jamie!

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SMACK! CRASH!

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-No, please!

-Get out of my kitchen, Jamie! What are you doing here?

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HE SOBS

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Why?!

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'Unsatisfactory.. Unsatisfactory...

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'Unsatisfactory... Unsatisfactory... Unsatisfactory...

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All right, that's enough. Mrs P.

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Eugh!

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AS I was saying, get back to cleaning.

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I want this place looking brand-new when she gets here.

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I'm a cleaner. Not miracle worker.

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PHONE BEEPS

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Hello, Hotel Trubble.

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-INDISTINCT GRUMBLING

-Yes, Mr Trubble.

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Don't worry. No, we are one million per cent ready for this inspection.

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ANGRY GRUMBLING

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Yeah. Absolutely. We have sorted out the problems with the ants.

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PATTER OF TINY FEET

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(I thought you'd dealt with the ants!)

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I did.

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Yes...

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GRUMBLING CONTINUES

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Yes, of course. OK. Bye-bye... Bye.

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You haven't got rid of the ants. They're stealing the furniture!

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I never said I got rid of them.

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I dealt with them. I've been training them.

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-What?

-I saw it in a magazine. I've been training them to do feng shui.

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It's the ancient Chinese art of aligning stuff to make the place

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feel more relaxed and harmonious.

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It's not working. I don't feel relaxed.

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Think how much more stressed you'd be

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if it wasn't for the hard work of those ants.

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OK. Let me get this straight. Ants are doing our interior design.

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Great(!)

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'Ere, there's nothing wrong with ants doing interior design.

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That's antist! You antist pig! Sorry, that's pigist.

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Where did Lenny disappear to?

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Lenny?

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Lenny!

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Honestly! All the hard work I do around here is never appreciated.

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Lenny? Miss Beasley will be here soon

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and I need you to keep moving the potted plants around

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so it looks like we've got more than two.

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That's not straight.

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-Jamie!

-Dolly, how do you appear like that?!

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-You're like a ninja!

-I need to talk to you about something important.

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Right. Now isn't a good time.

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Listen, you know I've always said that I love all animals,

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-not just the cute ones.

-Yeah.

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You remember I told you I'd adopted that mountain lion at the zoo?

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He's so cute with his whiskers, blah, blah, blah...

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'Oh, she doesn't half go on.'

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'That picture still isn't straight.'

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Blah, blah, blah...

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-Jamie, are you listening to me?

-Of course, yeah.

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Oh, good. Right, well, you know, I've spoken to the zoo

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and they say they're very happy for us to help them,

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so I'm going to...blah, blah, blah...

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blah, blah, blah, blah...

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'That one isn't straight, either.'

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Blah, blah, blah...

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-Would that be all right, then?

-Of course, yes.

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Oh, thank you. I really expected you to make such a fuss.

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-No. You know me, Dolly. Always happy to help.

-Oh, thank you.

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Oh, I think... I think this was the only picture

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that was straight in the first place.

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Everything's fine. Everything's fine, innit, eh, Mr Cuddles?

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All I need to do is stay in here and then we can...

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Agh!

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Oh, Lenny. There you are. I was looking for you.

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And then I knocked over the thing and now I'm looking for a mop

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-AND you.

-There you go.

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Lenny?

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I have to ask. Why are you hiding in a cupboard?

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-Everything's fine.

-Lenny?

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We've been so busy getting ready for this inspection

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that I forgot today was 23rd June.

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What does it matter?

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It matters.

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But it's the big inspection today. I need you.

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Who else will move the potted plants around?

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I am good at that.

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You're kidding? You're brilliant! It's like a jungle half the time.

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You don't understand.

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My family has this horrible secret. On this date every year,

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the men in my family go through this horrible transformation.

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We change...into something completely different.

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A thing so awful, that... Jamie?!

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-Sorry?

-I'm trying to tell you my deep, dark secret

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-and you're not listening!

-Sorry, Lenny.

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-It's just this picture's crooked...

-Jamie!

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Sorry, I can't help myself. It was the same when Dolly was talking...

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Mountain lion...

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in room 426.

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Jamie's acting strange today.

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Yes, Mr Cuddles. He is acting strange today.

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Hold me, Lenny. Mmm...

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Uh-huh...

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Yeah...

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Really?

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Dunno. Yeah...

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Hey! What have I told you?

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I'm not having that plant near my desk. It makes me sneeze.

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ANTS GRUMBLE

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Too right it's going back and I'll have less of the attitude, thanks.

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Carry on.

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Yes. Mm-hm.

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Sally, Sally, Sally. Has Dolly put a lion in room 426?

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Yes. Why did you agree to that?

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I didn't.

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Hmm. Oh, really?

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Dolly thought you might not remember, so she left this.

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'Yeah, yep. Of course you can have a lion in one of our rooms, Dolly.

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'And may I say you're looking lovely today.'

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Wow. I don't remember saying any of that.

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It's on the tape so it must be true, but more importantly,

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there's a man-eating lion in room 426!

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All right, don't panic. Don't panic!

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We just need to fix this before... Argh!

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'Unsatisfactory, unsatisfactory...'

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-Is he all right?

-Yeah, he's fine.

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Miss Beasley. Wonderful to see you,

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and may I say you're looking especially lovely today?

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No, you may not. I'm here to close you down... Sorry, re-inspect you,

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and then close you down.

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What a kidder! What a sense of humour.

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I was telling Sally what a lovely sense of humour you had.

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Yeah, you must be great fun at parties.

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I don't like parties. All that dancing, and singing.

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People enjoying themselves.

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It's unsafe. Now, I would like to start my inspection upstairs.

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But the lion...

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-The what?

-Or Sally, as she's more commonly known.

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A little pet name I have for her.

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Charming(!)

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She's worked ever so hard.

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Perhaps you would like to start your inspection here in reception?

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-Upstairs.

-TV room.

-Upstairs.

-What about outside?

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Is there any reason why we can't start upstairs?

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No. No, of course not.

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Good.

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SHE KNOCKS

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One down, 525 more stickers to go. Ha-ha(!)

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No, it's just Jamie...

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What should I do, Mr Cuddles?

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You must try to stay away from others.

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The only way from your curse you can protect, hmm?

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When the time comes, will you help restrain me?

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Strong I may be, Lenny,

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but restrain you from the monster you will become, I cannot.

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Generation after generation

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fall victim to the mighty alter-egos of the Lemon males.

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Can nothing be done?

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No, beyond your control, it is.

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Turn the world must,

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and so it is that the day must yet again become 23rd June.

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This is the worst thing to ever happen to me.

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-Worse things there are in this world.

-Like what?

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-I am your father.

-What?!

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Nothing.

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Lenny, look at your hand.

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Here begins your destiny.

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Oh, Mr Cuddles, it's beginning to happen.

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Oh, help! Help me, Mr Cuddles! Please!

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Argh!

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Help! Somebody help!

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Help me!

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Don't worry.

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That's been fixed.

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See?

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Absolutely fine.

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-Sally?

-Ohh! There goes one hour.

-I've got a problem with Tiddles.

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Tiddles...?

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The lion. What does he eat?

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People. Just one of the many reasons why we shouldn't have one.

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It is I...

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Don Juan Manuel Gonzalez Alfredo Peperami Extra Cheese De Lenny,

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the world's most charming man.

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Who is that?

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-It's Lenny in a mask.

-You are the most charming woman I've ever seen.

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-Ohh!

-This'll be that terrible family curse he told me about earlier.

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Your eyes sparkle like broken glass.

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Once a year, he turns into this crazy Don Juan de Lenny character,

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like a werewolf, except instead of getting all hairy, he gets all...

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Your lips are like lovely pieces of bacon.

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..like this.

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He certainly is very different.

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Come, my love. Let us dance the tango.

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Apparently, when he's like this, he falls in love

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with the first woman he sees.

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Well, right up until...

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Oh!

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..the second woman he sees. Then the third, the fourth, and on and on...

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You are the most beautiful woman in the world.

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Charming(!)

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Behave yourself, Lenny.

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I love you more than life itself.

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More than the air I breathe.

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More...more than cheese and pickle crisps. Mwah!

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You do now want to know where that glove has been.

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Your eyes, your eyes are like...

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like two shiny door knobs.

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Behave!

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Your lips are like two lovely... Oh!

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-Something has gone wrong, my love. I cannot see you.

-People today!

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Now, room 102, where we've also fixed all the problems you found.

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I'll be the judge of that.

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Oh, yes, of course.

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I'm sure you'll find everything absolutely...

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absolutely fine.

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HE LAUGHS

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CLATTERING

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SQUEAKING

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-Are you all right?

-Yeah.

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Yeah, I played football yesterday, so...just stretching my muscles.

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You're a very odd man.

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-I'll take that as a compliment.

-Wasn't meant as one.

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Well, if you just head out to the hall, I'll just finish stretching

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-and I'll meet you out there.

-OK.

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OK, great.

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-So, as you can see...

-CRASHING

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Er...what was that?

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Sorry about that.

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Um, I had a curry after football yesterday

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and it really hasn't agreed with me.

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-CLATTERING

-Whooh!

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HE LAUGHS

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So...moving on...

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Next, I'd like to go to room 426.

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-ROAR!

-But what about the lion?

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-I beg your pardon?

-I mean...

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the lino.

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We're just finishing off a little work on room 426.

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But all your rooms are carpeted.

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Exactly.

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Which is why we're taking the lino out.

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You just can't get the staff these days.

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You haven't seem room 104 yet.

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Lots of problems in there, I bet!

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ROAR!

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-Ahh! On second thoughts...

-What was that?

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Um...

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my stomach is making some really odd noises today.

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ROARING

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Oh! I'm just going to nip in here and use the bathroom. You know...

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SQUEAKS

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-But you said we were going to check the room.

-Yes...

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but you said you wanted to check room 426.

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And who am I to try and stop you, huh?

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What Miss Beasley wants, Miss Beasley gets.

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-Why can't I check that room?

-Of course you can. Um...

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but you might want to give it a few minutes. This could be a bit...

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ohh!

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Why don't you go this way. Room 426. Off you go.

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-ROARING

-Oh!

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Oh, me and spicy food, I could tell you some stories!

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ROARING

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Ouch! Oh, no! That really hurt! No!

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No, not the arms! Not the arms! Ah!

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Thank you so much, you're an angel.

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Yeah, yeah. Stop moving.

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SHE SIGHS

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Well, that did it.

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You are my saviour, I love you more than I can say.

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-So don't.

-Your hair is like...

-Oh, don't start!

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Is like a field of potatoes, your nose is like a lovely little turnip.

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I warned you.

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Your lips, your lips are like...

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HE SPLUTTERS

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Oh, boy.

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I thought you said the lion was in room 426?

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Your eyes are like...

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He was, but Dolly moved him to room 104.

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-Why?

-Your ears are like...

-He didn't like the view.

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OK, well, look, I've moved him now to room 102.

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Where he broke a lamp... and a wardrobe and a table.

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-Your hair...

-Is it a lion or an interior decorator?

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What's going on with Lenny?

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Oh, it's that family curse, didn't he tell you about it?

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On this day every year,

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the men in my family go through this horrible transformation...

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MUSIC: Gallery Theme from Vision On

0:20:140:20:18

I've really got to get over that picture thing.

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And that... That is how much I love you.

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-All right, Lenny, relax.

-Who is this Lenny character you speak of?

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I am Don Juan Manuel Alfredo Gonzalo Ignacio Peperami Extra Cheese...

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De Lenny, and I love this woman.

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OK, Lenny, that's fine. Just leave Sally alone, yeah?

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Wait a minute, I see what is going on here.

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You're trying to keep us apart so you can have her for yourself!

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What?! Don't be... I mean...

0:20:530:20:56

Sally and I are friends, but... she's not really my type.

0:20:560:21:01

I mean, the hair thing and...the teeth thing...

0:21:010:21:04

You protest too much, I shall... I shall fight you for her.

0:21:040:21:08

Just... One... OK, forget that.

0:21:080:21:13

Choose your weapon, sir.

0:21:130:21:16

OK, cream pies.

0:21:160:21:18

Ah, cream pies is a good choice.

0:21:180:21:21

You wait here and Don Juan De Lenny will be back...

0:21:210:21:24

with the cream pies.

0:21:240:21:26

FLAMENCO TAPS FEET Hey!

0:21:260:21:28

Well, that should keep him busy. That is one crazy family curse,

0:21:280:21:32

I mean, he is crazy!

0:21:320:21:35

All that stuff about you and me,

0:21:350:21:37

it's mad, isn't it?

0:21:370:21:39

What's wrong with my teeth?

0:21:410:21:43

Oh... No, nothing's wrong with your teeth. I just...

0:21:430:21:47

Jamie, there you are, you... You prankster, you!

0:21:470:21:51

-I'm sorry?

-Moving Tiddles like that! I was worried, but I found her.

0:21:510:21:56

And I decided that rather than just guess what she wanted for dinner,

0:21:560:22:00

I'd bring her down and let her pick.

0:22:000:22:02

The lion is in the kitchen?

0:22:040:22:05

-You're kidding?

-No, I ain't LION!

0:22:050:22:08

-You're not kidding.

-Didn't Chef mind?

0:22:080:22:11

Oh, no, he's fast asleep. Isn't he such a nice man?

0:22:110:22:14

Oh, he'll be fine about it. Laters!

0:22:140:22:17

-A lion...

-And the chef...

0:22:190:22:21

-Together...

-In the kitchen.

0:22:210:22:23

This can't get any worse.

0:22:230:22:24

-Right.

-Argh!

0:22:250:22:27

I'm ready to inspect the kitchen.

0:22:270:22:28

Whatever happened to you?

0:22:280:22:30

-My love affair with curry is over!

-PHRRRRPT!

0:22:300:22:34

Yes. Well, come on.

0:22:350:22:37

Shouldn't we leave that to last?

0:22:370:22:39

-I've done everything else.

-What about the broom cupboards?

-Yes.

0:22:390:22:42

-A-ha! Two of them.

-Three, actually - all done.

0:22:420:22:47

-What about a nice cup of tea?

-No, thank you.

-Piggyback?

-What?

0:22:470:22:50

-Would you like a piggyback?

-No!

-Everyone loves a piggyback!

0:22:500:22:53

-Hop on!

-If you don't get out of my way immediately,

0:22:530:22:56

I shall fail this hotel right here and now.

0:22:560:22:59

OK... OK.

0:23:010:23:04

ROARING AND SCREAMING

0:23:100:23:12

SMASH!

0:23:130:23:14

-CHEF:

-Get off of me!

0:23:160:23:17

-I liked working here.

-Yeah, it was better than having a normal job.

0:23:170:23:22

SHOUTING AND SCREAMING

0:23:220:23:25

-Sally?

-Yeah?

0:23:310:23:33

Seeing as this is the end... I just wanted to say that...

0:23:350:23:40

Ha-ha! Don Juan De Lenny has taken you by surprise.

0:23:400:23:43

-Take that!

-Oh, great(!)

0:23:430:23:46

Where did he even find cream pies?

0:23:460:23:49

And that!

0:23:490:23:51

There is a demented wild animal in there.

0:23:520:23:56

And he's fighting with a lion!

0:23:560:23:59

-CHEF:

-Wait till you try my souffle!

0:23:590:24:02

That the kind of thing that would fail an inspection?

0:24:020:24:05

Yes, absolutely nothing can make me change my mind.

0:24:050:24:10

-How about a lovely cream pie?

-No.

0:24:120:24:15

You are the most ravishingly beautiful creature I have ever seen.

0:24:180:24:23

Not now, Lenny!

0:24:230:24:24

You make my heart beat,

0:24:240:24:26

like when you think you're about to sneeze and you don't and you're like,

0:24:260:24:30

"I thought I was going to sneeze."

0:24:300:24:32

-OK, Lenny, that's enough.

-No! No, they cannot keep us apart,

0:24:320:24:35

we are meant to be together,

0:24:350:24:37

like thunder and lightning, jelly and ice cream, Ant and Dec.

0:24:370:24:40

Tell me you feel the same.

0:24:400:24:42

-I do.

-You do?

-I do! You're the man of my dreams!

0:24:420:24:48

-I'm glad you feel the same!

-I love you, from your funny-shaped face

0:24:480:24:53

-to your big, gangly feet.

-Maybe we should just calm down a...

-No!

0:24:530:24:58

-You're going to be mine forever! And ever and ever!

-Help me!

0:24:580:25:04

-Maybe you...

-Stay away from me! He's mine!

0:25:040:25:07

No! No! Come back here!

0:25:070:25:11

SHE ROARS

0:25:110:25:13

I think we should see other people. I love you as a friend.

0:25:180:25:22

It's not you, it's me!

0:25:220:25:23

SHE ROARS

0:25:240:25:27

Aaaargh!

0:25:270:25:30

ROARING

0:25:300:25:32

Aaaaaaaargh!

0:25:320:25:35

Should we do something?

0:25:350:25:36

Never get involved in somebody else's relationship - rule number one.

0:25:360:25:40

Aaaargh! SMASH!

0:25:400:25:43

I don't think you can call that a relationship.

0:25:430:25:46

Oh, please hide me, she is a crazy lady. Oh!

0:25:460:25:50

Where is he?

0:25:520:25:53

You can't keep him from me!

0:25:530:25:55

Enough's enough!

0:25:550:25:56

See if that will put the fire out.

0:25:580:26:00

Oh, no. It happened again, didn't it?

0:26:050:26:08

PLEASE don't tell them, I'll get fired!

0:26:080:26:12

-I'm on a last warning.

-Don't worry, your secret's safe with us.

0:26:130:26:18

And on a completely separate and unrelated note,

0:26:180:26:21

-how did we do in the inspection?

-Oh, top marks, top marks.

0:26:210:26:25

-This is a first-rate hotel.

-Yes!

0:26:250:26:28

-Could I just have a...

-No!

-Just for one minute?

0:26:280:26:31

Boys! Feng shui this lady.

0:26:310:26:33

I just want to give him my number.

0:26:330:26:35

PATTER OF TINY FEET

0:26:350:26:38

Are those ants?

0:26:380:26:39

You're just imagining things because of all the stress.

0:26:400:26:44

I do need a holiday.

0:26:450:26:46

-Wow! You're good.

-Yep, I am, Jamie.

0:26:490:26:54

-And...I have perfect teeth.

-BING!

0:26:540:26:59

Oh, Chef and Tiddles are getting on like a house on fire.

0:26:590:27:04

Playing fetch with a spud. I told you that lion would be no trouble.

0:27:040:27:08

-Oh! Oh! Oh, my head.

-Are you OK, fella?

0:27:100:27:15

What happened? I didn't transform, did I?

0:27:150:27:20

-No.

-Nope.

0:27:200:27:23

PHONE RINGS

0:27:230:27:25

Hello, Hotel Trubble?

0:27:250:27:28

What's happened to my clothes?

0:27:290:27:31

# Hotel Trubble forever

0:27:330:27:35

# It's the pits

0:27:350:27:37

# And we know we're stuck

0:27:370:27:39

# But we love it

0:27:390:27:41

# Hotel Trubble forever

0:27:410:27:43

# We're a team

0:27:430:27:44

# Staying calm, arm in arm

0:27:440:27:46

# So the hotel survives

0:27:460:27:48

# Trubble, Trubble!

0:27:480:27:50

# Keep the hotel alive. #

0:27:500:27:52

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