An Inspector Calls Hotel Trubble

Welcome to Hotel Trubble. Meet Sally, our receptionist.

People trying to have a conversation here.

And this is Lenny. He's a man of many talents.

This is Dolly. She's Mr Trubble's...ahem...fiancee.

And this is Mrs Poshington. The new cleaner.

Which just leaves me, Jamie. I'm the bellboy.

# Hotel Trubble forever

# It's the pits And we know we're stuck

# But we love it

# Hotel Trubble forever

# We're a team staying calm

# Arm in arm

# So the hotel survives

# Trubble Trubble

# Keep the hotel alive! #

Right, team!

As you know, this afternoon we have our second visit

from the hotel inspector, Miss Beasley.

Today, the 23rd June, is a big day in Hotel Trubble's history.

IF it goes badly, it won't have a future.

23rd June?

Now, I want this hotel in tip-top shape.

We need...

Where'd Lenny go?

Was he here?

Last time...

..she found 526 things about our hotel that were...

HE GULPS

..unsatisfactory.

'Unsatisfactory. Unsatisfactory. Unsatisfactory. Unsatisfactory.'

Ohh, he's having another flashback.

Should we disturb him?

Mm...we'll leave it a minute. He was beginning to get on my nerves.

'Unsatisfactory. Unsatisfactory. Unsatisfactory.'

It's good for the posture. Supposed to be good for the posture...

SNAP!

-I mean, that's never happened before.

-No, I'm sure.

CREAK! SQUEAK!

-Oh...

-Erm...

OK, don't worry about that. I've got you...

Just give me your hands.

Give me your hands...

There we go. Pulling you up. I haven't got you.

I haven't got you at all...

HANDLE CREAKS

Oh!

Argh!

-What are you doing?!

-She was sitting on the bed one second

-and then she just fell in!

-Get me out!

HOOVERING

SUCKING

OK, Sally, you're here. Good. We need your help.

Get that side, I'll get this side.

Get me out of here!

OK, we're going to get you out.

We're wrecking the bed!

Oh...

-I've got you. Are you all right?

-Yes, thank you...

-I just need to talk to you...

-Jamie!

SMACK! CRASH!

-No, please!

-Get out of my kitchen, Jamie! What are you doing here?

HE SOBS

Why?!

'Unsatisfactory.. Unsatisfactory...

'Unsatisfactory... Unsatisfactory... Unsatisfactory...

All right, that's enough. Mrs P.

Eugh!

AS I was saying, get back to cleaning.

I want this place looking brand-new when she gets here.

I'm a cleaner. Not miracle worker.

PHONE BEEPS

Hello, Hotel Trubble.

-INDISTINCT GRUMBLING

-Yes, Mr Trubble.

Don't worry. No, we are one million per cent ready for this inspection.

ANGRY GRUMBLING

Yeah. Absolutely. We have sorted out the problems with the ants.

PATTER OF TINY FEET

(I thought you'd dealt with the ants!)

I did.

Yes...

GRUMBLING CONTINUES

Yes, of course. OK. Bye-bye... Bye.

You haven't got rid of the ants. They're stealing the furniture!

I never said I got rid of them.

I dealt with them. I've been training them.

-What?

-I saw it in a magazine. I've been training them to do feng shui.

It's the ancient Chinese art of aligning stuff to make the place

feel more relaxed and harmonious.

It's not working. I don't feel relaxed.

Think how much more stressed you'd be

if it wasn't for the hard work of those ants.

OK. Let me get this straight. Ants are doing our interior design.

Great(!)

'Ere, there's nothing wrong with ants doing interior design.

That's antist! You antist pig! Sorry, that's pigist.

Where did Lenny disappear to?

Lenny?

Lenny!

Honestly! All the hard work I do around here is never appreciated.

Lenny? Miss Beasley will be here soon

and I need you to keep moving the potted plants around

so it looks like we've got more than two.

That's not straight.

-Jamie!

-Dolly, how do you appear like that?!

-You're like a ninja!

-I need to talk to you about something important.

Right. Now isn't a good time.

Listen, you know I've always said that I love all animals,

-not just the cute ones.

-Yeah.

You remember I told you I'd adopted that mountain lion at the zoo?

He's so cute with his whiskers, blah, blah, blah...

'Oh, she doesn't half go on.'

'That picture still isn't straight.'

Blah, blah, blah...

-Jamie, are you listening to me?

-Of course, yeah.

Oh, good. Right, well, you know, I've spoken to the zoo

and they say they're very happy for us to help them,

so I'm going to...blah, blah, blah...

blah, blah, blah, blah...

'That one isn't straight, either.'

Blah, blah, blah...

-Would that be all right, then?

-Of course, yes.

Oh, thank you. I really expected you to make such a fuss.

-No. You know me, Dolly. Always happy to help.

-Oh, thank you.

Oh, I think... I think this was the only picture

that was straight in the first place.

Everything's fine. Everything's fine, innit, eh, Mr Cuddles?

All I need to do is stay in here and then we can...

Agh!

Oh, Lenny. There you are. I was looking for you.

And then I knocked over the thing and now I'm looking for a mop

-AND you.

-There you go.

Lenny?

I have to ask. Why are you hiding in a cupboard?

-Everything's fine.

-Lenny?

We've been so busy getting ready for this inspection

that I forgot today was 23rd June.

What does it matter?

It matters.

But it's the big inspection today. I need you.

Who else will move the potted plants around?

I am good at that.

You're kidding? You're brilliant! It's like a jungle half the time.

You don't understand.

My family has this horrible secret. On this date every year,

the men in my family go through this horrible transformation.

We change...into something completely different.

A thing so awful, that... Jamie?!

-Sorry?

-I'm trying to tell you my deep, dark secret

-and you're not listening!

-Sorry, Lenny.

-It's just this picture's crooked...

-Jamie!

Sorry, I can't help myself. It was the same when Dolly was talking...

Mountain lion...

in room 426.

Jamie's acting strange today.

Yes, Mr Cuddles. He is acting strange today.

Hold me, Lenny. Mmm...

Uh-huh...

Yeah...

Really?

Dunno. Yeah...

Hey! What have I told you?

I'm not having that plant near my desk. It makes me sneeze.

ANTS GRUMBLE

Too right it's going back and I'll have less of the attitude, thanks.

Carry on.

Yes. Mm-hm.

Sally, Sally, Sally. Has Dolly put a lion in room 426?

Yes. Why did you agree to that?

I didn't.

Hmm. Oh, really?

Dolly thought you might not remember, so she left this.

'Yeah, yep. Of course you can have a lion in one of our rooms, Dolly.

'And may I say you're looking lovely today.'

Wow. I don't remember saying any of that.

It's on the tape so it must be true, but more importantly,

there's a man-eating lion in room 426!

All right, don't panic. Don't panic!

We just need to fix this before... Argh!

'Unsatisfactory, unsatisfactory...'

-Is he all right?

-Yeah, he's fine.

Miss Beasley. Wonderful to see you,

and may I say you're looking especially lovely today?

No, you may not. I'm here to close you down... Sorry, re-inspect you,

and then close you down.

What a kidder! What a sense of humour.

I was telling Sally what a lovely sense of humour you had.

Yeah, you must be great fun at parties.

I don't like parties. All that dancing, and singing.

People enjoying themselves.

It's unsafe. Now, I would like to start my inspection upstairs.

But the lion...

-The what?

-Or Sally, as she's more commonly known.

A little pet name I have for her.

Charming(!)

She's worked ever so hard.

Perhaps you would like to start your inspection here in reception?

-Upstairs.

-TV room.

-Upstairs.

-What about outside?

Is there any reason why we can't start upstairs?

No. No, of course not.

Good.

SHE KNOCKS

One down, 525 more stickers to go. Ha-ha(!)

No, it's just Jamie...

What should I do, Mr Cuddles?

You must try to stay away from others.

The only way from your curse you can protect, hmm?

When the time comes, will you help restrain me?

Strong I may be, Lenny,

but restrain you from the monster you will become, I cannot.

Generation after generation

fall victim to the mighty alter-egos of the Lemon males.

Can nothing be done?

No, beyond your control, it is.

Turn the world must,

and so it is that the day must yet again become 23rd June.

This is the worst thing to ever happen to me.

-Worse things there are in this world.

-Like what?

-I am your father.

-What?!

Nothing.

Lenny, look at your hand.

Here begins your destiny.

Oh, Mr Cuddles, it's beginning to happen.

Oh, help! Help me, Mr Cuddles! Please!

Argh!

Help! Somebody help!

Help me!

Don't worry.

That's been fixed.

See?

Absolutely fine.

-Sally?

-Ohh! There goes one hour.

-I've got a problem with Tiddles.

Tiddles...?

The lion. What does he eat?

People. Just one of the many reasons why we shouldn't have one.

It is I...

Don Juan Manuel Gonzalez Alfredo Peperami Extra Cheese De Lenny,

the world's most charming man.

Who is that?

-It's Lenny in a mask.

-You are the most charming woman I've ever seen.

-Ohh!

-This'll be that terrible family curse he told me about earlier.

Your eyes sparkle like broken glass.

Once a year, he turns into this crazy Don Juan de Lenny character,

like a werewolf, except instead of getting all hairy, he gets all...

Your lips are like lovely pieces of bacon.

..like this.

He certainly is very different.

Come, my love. Let us dance the tango.

Apparently, when he's like this, he falls in love

with the first woman he sees.

Well, right up until...

Oh!

..the second woman he sees. Then the third, the fourth, and on and on...

You are the most beautiful woman in the world.

Charming(!)

Behave yourself, Lenny.

I love you more than life itself.

More than the air I breathe.

More...more than cheese and pickle crisps. Mwah!

You do now want to know where that glove has been.

Your eyes, your eyes are like...

like two shiny door knobs.

Behave!

Your lips are like two lovely... Oh!

-Something has gone wrong, my love. I cannot see you.

-People today!

Now, room 102, where we've also fixed all the problems you found.

I'll be the judge of that.

Oh, yes, of course.

I'm sure you'll find everything absolutely...

absolutely fine.

HE LAUGHS

CLATTERING

SQUEAKING

-Are you all right?

-Yeah.

Yeah, I played football yesterday, so...just stretching my muscles.

You're a very odd man.

-I'll take that as a compliment.

-Wasn't meant as one.

Well, if you just head out to the hall, I'll just finish stretching

-and I'll meet you out there.

-OK.

OK, great.

-So, as you can see...

-CRASHING

Er...what was that?

Sorry about that.

Um, I had a curry after football yesterday

and it really hasn't agreed with me.

-CLATTERING

-Whooh!

HE LAUGHS

So...moving on...

Next, I'd like to go to room 426.

-ROAR!

-But what about the lion?

-I beg your pardon?

-I mean...

the lino.

We're just finishing off a little work on room 426.

But all your rooms are carpeted.

Exactly.

Which is why we're taking the lino out.

You just can't get the staff these days.

You haven't seem room 104 yet.

Lots of problems in there, I bet!

ROAR!

-Ahh! On second thoughts...

-What was that?

Um...

my stomach is making some really odd noises today.

ROARING

Oh! I'm just going to nip in here and use the bathroom. You know...

SQUEAKS

-But you said we were going to check the room.

-Yes...

but you said you wanted to check room 426.

And who am I to try and stop you, huh?

What Miss Beasley wants, Miss Beasley gets.

-Why can't I check that room?

-Of course you can. Um...

but you might want to give it a few minutes. This could be a bit...

ohh!

Why don't you go this way. Room 426. Off you go.

-ROARING

-Oh!

Oh, me and spicy food, I could tell you some stories!

ROARING

Ouch! Oh, no! That really hurt! No!

No, not the arms! Not the arms! Ah!

Thank you so much, you're an angel.

Yeah, yeah. Stop moving.

SHE SIGHS

Well, that did it.

You are my saviour, I love you more than I can say.

-So don't.

-Your hair is like...

-Oh, don't start!

Is like a field of potatoes, your nose is like a lovely little turnip.

I warned you.

Your lips, your lips are like...

HE SPLUTTERS

Oh, boy.

I thought you said the lion was in room 426?

Your eyes are like...

He was, but Dolly moved him to room 104.

-Why?

-Your ears are like...

-He didn't like the view.

OK, well, look, I've moved him now to room 102.

Where he broke a lamp... and a wardrobe and a table.

-Your hair...

-Is it a lion or an interior decorator?

What's going on with Lenny?

Oh, it's that family curse, didn't he tell you about it?

On this day every year,

the men in my family go through this horrible transformation...

MUSIC: Gallery Theme from Vision On

I've really got to get over that picture thing.

And that... That is how much I love you.

-All right, Lenny, relax.

-Who is this Lenny character you speak of?

I am Don Juan Manuel Alfredo Gonzalo Ignacio Peperami Extra Cheese...

De Lenny, and I love this woman.

OK, Lenny, that's fine. Just leave Sally alone, yeah?

Wait a minute, I see what is going on here.

You're trying to keep us apart so you can have her for yourself!

What?! Don't be... I mean...

Sally and I are friends, but... she's not really my type.

I mean, the hair thing and...the teeth thing...

You protest too much, I shall... I shall fight you for her.

Just... One... OK, forget that.

Choose your weapon, sir.

OK, cream pies.

Ah, cream pies is a good choice.

You wait here and Don Juan De Lenny will be back...

with the cream pies.

FLAMENCO TAPS FEET Hey!

Well, that should keep him busy. That is one crazy family curse,

I mean, he is crazy!

All that stuff about you and me,

it's mad, isn't it?

What's wrong with my teeth?

Oh... No, nothing's wrong with your teeth. I just...

Jamie, there you are, you... You prankster, you!

-I'm sorry?

-Moving Tiddles like that! I was worried, but I found her.

And I decided that rather than just guess what she wanted for dinner,

I'd bring her down and let her pick.

The lion is in the kitchen?

-You're kidding?

-No, I ain't LION!

-You're not kidding.

-Didn't Chef mind?

Oh, no, he's fast asleep. Isn't he such a nice man?

Oh, he'll be fine about it. Laters!

-A lion...

-And the chef...

-Together...

-In the kitchen.

This can't get any worse.

-Right.

-Argh!

I'm ready to inspect the kitchen.

Whatever happened to you?

-My love affair with curry is over!

-PHRRRRPT!

Yes. Well, come on.

Shouldn't we leave that to last?

-I've done everything else.

-What about the broom cupboards?

-Yes.

-A-ha! Two of them.

-Three, actually - all done.

-What about a nice cup of tea?

-No, thank you.

-Piggyback?

-What?

-Would you like a piggyback?

-No!

-Everyone loves a piggyback!

-Hop on!

-If you don't get out of my way immediately,

I shall fail this hotel right here and now.

OK... OK.

ROARING AND SCREAMING

SMASH!

-CHEF:

-Get off of me!

-I liked working here.

-Yeah, it was better than having a normal job.

SHOUTING AND SCREAMING

-Sally?

-Yeah?

Seeing as this is the end... I just wanted to say that...

Ha-ha! Don Juan De Lenny has taken you by surprise.

-Take that!

-Oh, great(!)

Where did he even find cream pies?

And that!

There is a demented wild animal in there.

And he's fighting with a lion!

-CHEF:

-Wait till you try my souffle!

That the kind of thing that would fail an inspection?

Yes, absolutely nothing can make me change my mind.

-How about a lovely cream pie?

-No.

You are the most ravishingly beautiful creature I have ever seen.

Not now, Lenny!

You make my heart beat,

like when you think you're about to sneeze and you don't and you're like,

"I thought I was going to sneeze."

-OK, Lenny, that's enough.

-No! No, they cannot keep us apart,

we are meant to be together,

like thunder and lightning, jelly and ice cream, Ant and Dec.

Tell me you feel the same.

-I do.

-You do?

-I do! You're the man of my dreams!

-I'm glad you feel the same!

-I love you, from your funny-shaped face

-to your big, gangly feet.

-Maybe we should just calm down a...

-No!

-You're going to be mine forever! And ever and ever!

-Help me!

-Maybe you...

-Stay away from me! He's mine!

No! No! Come back here!

SHE ROARS

I think we should see other people. I love you as a friend.

It's not you, it's me!

SHE ROARS

Aaaargh!

ROARING

Aaaaaaaargh!

Should we do something?

Never get involved in somebody else's relationship - rule number one.

Aaaargh! SMASH!

I don't think you can call that a relationship.

Oh, please hide me, she is a crazy lady. Oh!

Where is he?

You can't keep him from me!

Enough's enough!

See if that will put the fire out.

Oh, no. It happened again, didn't it?

PLEASE don't tell them, I'll get fired!

-I'm on a last warning.

-Don't worry, your secret's safe with us.

And on a completely separate and unrelated note,

-how did we do in the inspection?

-Oh, top marks, top marks.

-This is a first-rate hotel.

-Yes!

-Could I just have a...

-No!

-Just for one minute?

Boys! Feng shui this lady.

I just want to give him my number.

PATTER OF TINY FEET

Are those ants?

You're just imagining things because of all the stress.

I do need a holiday.

-Wow! You're good.

-Yep, I am, Jamie.

-And...I have perfect teeth.

-BING!

Oh, Chef and Tiddles are getting on like a house on fire.

Playing fetch with a spud. I told you that lion would be no trouble.

-Oh! Oh! Oh, my head.

-Are you OK, fella?

What happened? I didn't transform, did I?

-No.

-Nope.

PHONE RINGS

Hello, Hotel Trubble?

What's happened to my clothes?

# Hotel Trubble forever

# It's the pits

# And we know we're stuck

# But we love it

# Hotel Trubble forever

# We're a team

# Staying calm, arm in arm

# So the hotel survives

# Trubble, Trubble!

# Keep the hotel alive. #