Lenny the Hero Hotel Trubble

Welcome to Hotel Trubble.

Meet Sally, our receptionist.

People! Trying to have a conversation here!

And, this is Lenny.

He's a man of many talents.

-This is Dolly, she's Mr Trubble's...

-HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

..fiance.

And, this is Mrs Poshington, the new cleaner.

Which, just leaves me, Jamie...

I'm the bell boy.

# Hotel Trubble forever

# It's the pits and we know

# We're stuck but we love it

# Hotel Trubble forever

# We're a team staying calm Arm in arm

# So the hotel survives

# Trubble, Trubble

# Keep the hotel alive. #

Right, next on the agenda is Mrs Poshington.

Ah, yeah, a bit delicate this.

Mrs Poshington?

-Mrs P?

-Allow me.

Mrs Poshington! RUMBLING

Hello?

-SHOUTING:

-We've had another complaint about you, Mrs Poshington.

Sleeping on the job.

Oh, Jamie, surely there's no harm in me

taking a little nap in the guest beds.

Er, yes!

With the guests still in them.

# They long to be, close to you... #

HE SCREAMS

No wonder the hotel's doing so badly.

Stop shouting, Jamie!

This is the worst birthday party I've ever been to.

-It's not a party, Lenny, it's a meeting.

-Oh! Not again!

Good job I brought my own cake though.

# Happy birthday! Happy birthday! #

Is that it, then, can we go?

No! Next on the agenda is...Sally.

Is this going to take long?

Because there's a toilet in room 102 that has my name on it.

LENNY GROANS

Come on then, Jamie, spit it out.

You know what I'm going to say, don't you, Sally?

-Hmm... That you regret having such a flat, square head?

-No!

Hey! No, what I'm going to say, Sally, is you're a receptionist.

-Start answering the phones instead of breaking them!

-RUMBLING

PHONE RINGS

PHONE RINGS

Here.

PHONE RINGS

Telephone! Telephone! Telephone!

I don't know what you're talking about.

PHONE RINGS

SMASH!

We really need to up our games, guys.

Come up with new ideas to make the hotel really unique. You know?

Any suggestions?

Any serious suggestions?

Sally, look, what I'm doing here.

Sally, look!

Oh, oh...

SMASH!

You know, sometimes I feel like no-one even knows I exist.

Do you ever get like that, Sally? Sally?

-Sally?

-Do what?

LENNY SIGHS

Sally, watch this.

Open!

Open!

Erm, what am I watching, exactly?

You talking to the door?

It's a new plan I have to renovate the hotel.

It's just a few teething problems right now, that's all.

Let's try this one.

Open.

Open.

Open!

Oh, come on!

SHE LAUGHS

Look, I told you, you see!

AEROSOL HISSES

-Told me, what?

-That's better.

That my voice-recognition technology would be a success.

I downloaded it straight from the Internet,

so it's bound to be reliable. Look!

Call Mr Trubble.

Call Mr Trubble!

Call Trubbly Wubbly!

CREAKING

Oh, yeah, that door's always been a bit loose.

Jamie, would you mind fixing that?

I'm just going to go and speak to the lift.

If I'm not back in an hour, would you call an ambulance.

Well, she'll be gone for more than an hour,

-we don't have a lift!

-SHE LAUGHS

Jamie, I've been thinking of some new ideas to make the hotel better.

Lenny, we don't pay you to think. Now, fix that door.

JUNGLE CALLS

I was thinking I could do some of my tricks.

I've always told you I can lift 50 times my own bodyweight

and run faster than the speed of light.

Lenny, I've told you before - you've got to stop confusing

things you've had a dream about with things you can actually do.

You didn't invent a never-ending pencil, either.

Yes, I did, I can show it to you.

No, I'm not interested in seeing that.

I've got to show Sally something. Sally, come with me.

Honestly, tell me, on a scale of one to ten,

with one being the least boring and ten being the most boring,

-how boring is this going to be?

-To me, one.

To you...

..150.

Oh, better than expected.

Jamie, what have you done to the TV room?

It's not the TV room any more.

-It's the Palace of Stars! Behold!

-FANFARE

All the celebrity guests we've had staying at the hotel.

Celebrities? He unblocked the drains.

Well, if you want to quibble.

And this one says, "Thanks for a great stay at Hotel Trubble,

"I hope your dentures don't cause you any more problems."

It's an unusual message, sure.

That was Mrs P's dentist.

Don't you see? Once people realise

what a celebrity magnet we are, they'll come in droves!

Action stations, everyone, stop what you're doing.

We have a very important guest arriving.

Ooh, is it the pest controller! At last.

You know, that kitchen's got so many rats, chef's got them making jam.

-NEW YORK ACCENT:

-What sort of jam you making?

Traffic jam, rat-face.

THEY LAUGH

No! I'm talking about...

Ed Flaxman.

WIND HOWLS

BELL TOLLS

He's only like the most famous news reporter of all time!

Oh, dimwits! Anyway, he's here!

-Guys, this is it!

-What is?

-Don't you see, if we can get him to put

a story about the hotel in the news,

everybody will want to stay here.

We'll be inundated!

Are you forgetting something?

THIS is Hotel Trubble.

Nothing newsworthy ever happens here.

Nonsense! I'm going go to tell him about the Palace Of Stars.

SALLY SIGHS

BANG!

GLASS SHATTERS

SALLY LAUGHS

SHOES SQUEAK

CREAKING

MAN CLEARS HIS THROAT

Oh...

Hello.

Was I asleep in your bed?

-LOUDLY:

-I think so, yes.

Ah...

Perhaps you'd care to explain?

Explain? Oh, ah.

Yes, of course, explain.

Well, you see...

Here in Hotel Trubble,

we pride ourselves in having the softest beds known to man.

The only way to make sure they are the softest beds known to man,

we have to put them to the test by sleeping in them all day,

which I do very well.

I see.

Well, in that case, thanks!

That's exactly the level of service I need.

Phew!

You see, as you can probably tell from my face,

I'm newscaster, Ed Flaxman.

It's my responsibility to actually find the news.

If I don't find any, there won't be any. It's as simple as that.

That does sound very stressful.

Is that why you're here, to find something exciting to go in the news?

Absolutely not! No way!

I'm here to relax, pure and simple.

You see, I grew up in this town.

I love this town.

-Whatever it's called.

-How lovely.

-Unusual name for a town.

-No, what I meant...

Anyway, let me make one thing clear.

If anything newsworthy happens

while I'm staying here in How Lovely,

I will absolutely blow my top.

ELEPHANT TRUMPETING, RUMBLING

PHONE EMITS A PULSING BEEP

-Hello?

-'Hello!'

Hello, Mr Trubble. It's Lenny here.

INDISTINCT ANGRY SHOUTING

Get someone more important to call you back.

Yeah, OK. Bye.

Grow.

Grow. It's hard to tell in this case.

Not necessarily a failure, though. Perhaps I'll try something easier.

Dolly, do you think I'm insignificant?

Not now, Lenny, I'm talking to a chandelier.

Light.

Light.

Light!

It's like I'm not even here!

-Mr Flaxman, can I just...

-I thought I'd made myself perfectly clear.

I'm not looking for anything to go on the news.

I'm here on holiday. I'm trying to relax!

Look, it's working!

On! On!

On!

It doesn't look entirely safe.

I'll just, er...

Check the motherboard.

Mr Flaxman...

I've spent long enough in this weird hotel of yours.

I'm here to relax and so far

it's been the most stressful holiday of my entire life!

That's not fair, you've only been here for 45 minutes.

Enough! I don't want to see any of you ever, ever again!

CHANDELIER RATTLES

Nooooooooooo!

MUSIC: "Theme from Superman" by John Williams

GLASS SHATTERS

You saved his life.

How did you even get there in time?

Faster than the speed of light, remember?

I've not seen you before.

-What's your name, son?

-Er, Lenny.

-Lenny what?

-Lenny Lemon.

-Oh...

Stupid name. Almost sounds made up.

Still, I'm sure we can fix that.

What do you mean, fix it?

Let me think.

Mm, Leonard Citrus.

That's it, perfect.

Buckle up, Leonard, you're about to become very, very famous, indeed.

I thought you came here to relax.

When the news comes a calling, you've just got to answer.

Breaking news, this lunchtime.

Unbelievable act of superhuman heroism coming up.

Amazing story about to unfold.

World exclusive right here.

Here it comes.

Hold your ears...

It's here.

Right now!

I'm standing inside Hotel Trubble, where my life has just been saved

by an amazing act of superhuman heroism.

This man, Leonard Citrus...

..has never done anything interesting in his entire life.

Isn't that right, Leonard?

Well, erm...

-Come on, come on!

-Yes.

Until today, when he intervened to prevent a chandelier

from falling on this perfect head.

-Isn't that right, Leonard?

-Yeah.

Here's a computer reconstruction of exactly what happened as it happened.

(COMPUTER) 'I am Ed Flaxman.

'I am a chandelier.

'I am Leonard Citrus.

'Whoa! Watch out!'

GLASS SHATTERS

Amazing! What have you got to say, Leonard?

Well, I'd just like to thank my mum...

Exactly! That's all from me, back to you in the studio, Jane.

Hi, Jane.

-That's a great story, Lenny.

-I know.

Who'd have thought a dog could do an impression of Bruce Forsyth.

Not that story! The one about you.

Oh, right, yeah. I suppose so.

It reminds me of when I was on the news.

-Why were you on the news?

-Ah, well...

It's best if I don't say any more about that. For legal reasons.

Oh, look, something dirty.

Needs scrubbing.

Why did Lenny get on the TV? Why not me?

Because Lenny was doing something heroic,

whereas you were applying your lip gloss.

Well, if you're going to split hairs.

Lenny, you're going to be famous!

More importantly, Hotel Trubble's going to be famous.

You're really going to put this place on the map.

-Isn't it already on the map?

-No, it's just an expression.

You know, like, "If the cap fits, wear it."

OK.

Never mind.

-Can I help you?

-Well, since you're offering.

-Put me on the news.

-I think not.

-Are you following me?

-Not exactly.

-What exactly are you doing?

Nothing, just going to follow

you around a bit, let you see how interesting I am.

You're weird.

# You think I'm psycho, don't you, Mama? #

Oh!

# Mama, pour me a cup

# You think I'm psycho, don't you, Mama?

# You better let them lock me up. #

Ah!

There you are, you naughty boy!

Please, just leave me alone, you creepy woman.

Not until you put me on the news.

Please, please...

Please, please, please... (Please put me on the news.)

Argh!

The fastest way to fame,

fortune and success is to flog your heroic story in a book.

Oh, I don't know. Dolly once asked me to write a note for the milkman.

It took me two-and-a-half weeks!

Don't worry, we'll get a ghost writer to write it.

A ghost writer? But won't the keyboard go through its fingers?

No, a ghost writer is just a normal writer who does all the hard work so

famous people don't have to.

So, what do I do?

Nothing. You just...be you.

I thought me being me was something not many people were interested in.

Nonsense!

I've always said you're a very special young man.

No, you haven't! You once told me I was the human equivalent of a sock.

Warm, but empty.

Remember, just stick to the speech and try not to say anything weird

about the Queen's secret weasel farm or dung beetles living on Mars.

Hello, everyone. Thanks for coming to the launch of my book.

I'd just like to make a quick confession that

I didn't actually write the book.

A ghost wrote it for me.

I know, I was amazed as well.

I thought his hands would go straight through the keys, but they didn't.

Oh, I know. I could show you all my never-ending pencil.

-Lenny.

-Lenny, can I have your autograph, please?

I can't believe it, Lenny -

everyone's obsessed with your never-ending pencil.

-Why didn't you tell me about this before?

-I did tell you.

-Sorry...

You wait till Mr Trubble finds out about this.

This is the busiest we've been in ages.

Clever old me.

Er, aren't these people here to see me?

Yeah, of course, yeah. Anyway, I've organised a treat for you.

Custard cream sandwiches.

That sounds lovely,

but I can't.

Mr Flaxman says he's going to take me out for dinner and we're going to

do an exclusive feature interview and that I can have three courses.

-Whatever that means.

-Oh, brilliant.

Ed thinks my never-ending pencil is something else.

Look!

I've only ever been to one restaurant before.

Maybe I should come with you.

Just to make sure you don't confuse the fork for half a spider again.

-Ready, Leonard?

-Oh, yeah, ready, Ed.

-See you later, Jamie.

-Yeah, see you later, Jimmy.

Jamie. Maybe I could...

-Sorry, can't stop and chat, table's booked for seven.

-Oh!

Have a great time!

-Remember it all started...

-GLASS SHATTERS

..Hotel Trubble.

It says here that Lenny enjoys slow cooking

and the poems of William Wordsworth. Who knew that?

Where is Lenny? He was supposed to be here half an hour ago!

I know he's a big star and everything, but...

There's still a bunch of menial tasks with his name on them.

Apparently, his favourite food is halibut.

Do you know, I'm learning so much.

It's not like him.

I don't see what the problem is.

Lenny gets rich and famous and the hotel benefits.

It's all good, isn't it?

SMASHING

-Hey, dudes.

-Hey.

Lenny, what are you wearing?

These are the latest celebrity clothes.

In fact, this outfit is a hand-me-down from Justin Bieber.

Celebrity... What are you talking about?

I opened three jumble sales this morning, AND an envelope.

Well, you should have been here working.

Work, no way. Ed reckons I don't have to work another day in my life.

So, I quit.

-What?

-That's right, Jimmy.

-Jamie.

-Whatever...

Oh, you...

You are funny, Lenny.

Now, come on, get back to work.

It's not a joke. He's got bigger fish to fry.

Salmon, haddock, mackerel.

About that size, just big fish.

It's just an expression!

-Oh, right.

-But you can't leave!

We need you at the hotel.

I said I was quitting, I didn't say I was leaving.

Dolly, hand me the keys to the penthouse suite. I'm moving in.

# When will I, will I be famous? #

PHONE RINGS

Sally, what are you doing?

It's not fair, Jamie!

I was the one that was meant to be famous, not Lenny.

Where's my cardboard cut-out?

If you ever manage to save somebody's life,

you'll get a cardboard cut-out too.

But, until that time...

Yes, I've got it!

I just need to save his life.

# Think I'm psycho, don't you, Mama... #

What, whose life?

-Thanks, Jamie, I could almost kiss you.

-OK.

I said, "Almost."

# I think we're alone now

# There doesn't seem to be anyone around

# I think we're alone now

# The beating of our hearts is the only sound... #

What are you doing?!

You stopped breathing, I'm saving your life!

I was asleep!

Save your breath, Mr Flaxman, I'll give you mouth-to-mouth.

MUFFLED SHOUTS

Get off me!

Right, that's it. I'm calling the police.

You've broken my ribs.

What's that? You'd like to cancel?

Oh, you'd rather sleep naked on the top of Mount Etna.

Well, your loss!

That's the third cancellation we've had today.

-No-one wants to stay in the same hotel as Lenny.

-I don't blame them.

Ever since he moved in here, it's been a nightmare.

It's like he thinks he's... Dizzie Osborne.

Or, even worse, that... Ozzy Rascal.

I see what you mean.

What's that?

Room service for Lenny.

-He wants a basketful of puppies at room temperature.

-What?

That's not the half of it.

The first thing he wanted was a bowl of M&Ms

with the brown ones taken out.

Then it was play dough and a boa constrictor,

12 leafy plants, 24 small towels and a boom box.

And, then he wanted me to shave his back.

Right! That's it, this has to stop.

I'm going up there.

Nothing... Nothing is going to stand in my way.

MUSIC: "In Da Club" By 50 Cent

Ride 'em, cowboy. Yee-ha!

Lenny, I'd like a word.

Whoa, whoa, wait a sec!

What have you done to this room?

Yeah, do you like it? I've Lennied it.

Lenny, what's happened to you?

You can't just do as you please, people are cancelling

left, right and centre.

Oh, is that the time? Sorry, Jamie, I'll have to ask you to leave,

Piers Morgan's due any minute to do a live interview on me.

He specifically requested no bell-boys in the background.

(That means you.)

-Right!

-MUSIC STOPS

-What are you doing?!

-I've had enough.

It's either you or me, Lenny.

This hotel isn't big enough for the both of us.

Fine...

MUSIC: Theme from The Good, The Bad And The Ugly

SHOTS FIRED

All right, Jamie, I give up. I'm leaving.

-Jamie.

-Lenny.

-It's been nice working with you.

-So, what are you going to do?

Well, Ed thinks there's enough

interest in my never-ending pencil to take it out on tour.

What, like stadiums and stuff?

-With a pencil? It doesn't even make sense.

-It doesn't make sense.

Well, we'll start with

the local old people's homes and then take it from there.

Goodbye.

Are you all right, Jamie?

This day can't get any worse.

PHONE RINGS

Hello, Hotel Trubble.

-'Jamie...'

-Sally. Where are you?

'I'm sort of in prison.'

Oh, no!

Bong! Breaking news this lunchtime...

Bong! Relaxing holiday ruined by raving lunatic. Bong!

Bum-faced bumwit responsible for probably the worst holiday

of all time. Bong!

It's not that bad, at least they didn't mention the hotel.

And all of this took place

in probably the worst hotel I've ever stayed at.

Hotel Trubble.

Well, at least they didn't give away the address.

Hotel Trubble, 171 The High Street.

171 The High... TURNS TV OFF

Oh, crumpets.

Sally... why were you in that police car?

Because I've been jailed, Lenny.

If you hadn't got famous,

it would never have occurred to me to get famous.

and I wouldn't have broken Mr Flaxman's ribs trying to save him.

No, what are you doing?

Oh, is your pencil broken? Aw...

Oh, my never-ending pencil.

Lenny...

Can I have my job back, please?

But I thought you were tired of feeling ignored.

I was, but... I was wrong.

I want to stay at Hotel Trubble.

It's my home.

Plus, Sally broke the never-ending pencil, so I guess the tour's off.

Well, in that case then,

why don't you get your uniform back on and get back to work?

Shall I start with unblocking the men's toilets?

Oh, no. Your talents have been severely underestimated, Lenny.

I've got a much bigger and better job for you to do.

OK, Jamie, where do you want me to begin?

Right, Lenny, Dolly wants you to start with the door.

Oh, right, all right. Here goes.

And, open!

Right...

Now...

The plant.

Erm, grow!

And, finally, light!

Hey, hey!

You see, just a small problem with the electrics.

Well done, Lenny. It's good to have you back.

I just hope none of us has any run in with the news again.

Jamie, don't thank me but I just might have

the answer to your prayers.

"The day I woke up in Ed Flaxman's bed."

Mrs P, you sold your story to the papers.

You cheeky devil, you.

To be honest, this isn't really what I had in mind.

In fact, we'll be lucky if we don't have Ed Flaxman's

lawyers on the phone.

PHONE RINGS

Sally... See who it is.

Hello, Hotel Trubble.

MUFFLED SHOUTING

# Hotel Trubble forever

# It's the pits and we know we're stuck, but we love it

# Hotel Trubble forever

# We're a team staying calm, arm in arm, so the hotel survives

# Trubble, trubble Keep the hotel alive! #

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