Strictly Come Prancing Hotel Trubble

Welcome to Hotel Trubble.

Meet Sally, our receptionist.

People, trying to have a conversation here.

And this is Lenny.

He's a man of many talents...

This is Dolly.

She's Mr Trubble's...ahem...fiancee.

And this is Mr Poshington, the new cleaner.

Which just leaves me, Jamie.

I'm the bell boy.

# Hotel Trubble forever

# It's the pits and we know that we're stuck but we love it

# Hotel Trubble forever

# We're a team staying calm on and on

# So the hotel survives Trubble, Trubble

# The hotel of life. #

"The stars' best kept beauty secret for eliminating wrinkles.

"Do this simple exercise 20 times a day."

It must be working by now.

Let me have a look...

Ah! Mr Poshington!

Well. If that's a beauty secret, I can see why it's well kept.

Why are you lurking there?

I tidied everything away, like you asked.

Mrs P, when I said everything,

I meant rubbish and stuff. Not literally everything!

Well, there were these things lying around.

So, I put them in the lost property box.

They were getting in the way of my cleaning.

Mrs P, hotels are meant to have stuff lying around.

Like sofas, and carpets, and stuff!

Well, how am I supposed to know what's lost property and what's not?

-I mean, that umbrella, for instance.

-Yes, that's lost property.

And these old glasses. But...

..these?

The telephone... and the first aid box?

Good thing someone who's bothered about the hotel

didn't see all of this, or they'd probably get angry or something.

And the TV!

-ON TV:

-Strictly Come Prancing.

I would have a go at you, but my programme is starting.

Hello, Sally. Can you check the lost property box for me?

I've lost me marbles. Me lucky marbles? Have you seen them?

They're round and made of glass,

and about the size of... the size of a marble.

Lenny... We were watching that dancing programme.

-I'll give you marbles in a minute!

-Really? A whole minute?

Shall I close my eyes now? Shall I start counting?

One elephant, two elephant, three elephant, four elephant...

five elephant, six elephant, seven elephant...

58 elephant, 59 elephant, 60 elephant!

Right, I'll just open my... Oh!

Oh, Sally, you're so old!

How long was I counting for?

Oh, Dolly. Sorry, I thought you were Sally.

I got confused with the elephants.

Listen, I was just telling Jamie

-about my brilliant new idea for the hotel.

-Yeah, well it's an idea.

Listen, Lenny. It's brilliant!

You know how the big swanky hotels have spas with sunbeds?

When you lie on a bed under a big lamp with the power of the sun?

Right? Well, what we could do, the modern take, is moon beds!

Beds that you lie on under a big lamp with the power of the moon.

It's for people that don't want a tan.

That... That is brilliant.

It would also be useful for werewolves

who wanted to change in the middle of the day.

Yeah, yeah! You see, Jamie, Lenny understands my business brain.

Sally, you think my spa idea

is the best idea that anyone has ever had, ever. Don't you?

I'm watching my TV programme.

This is Strictly Come Prancing? I love this.

That is Darren Chiseljaw.

He's my favourite soap star. Superhunk.

He's in this soap opera set in the East End,

about a bunch of East Enders who East Ender about all day.

That sounds good. What's it called?

Er...can't remember.

Darren Chiseljaw.

My, that's a blast from the past.

He happens to have been one of my old flames.

-Wow, you went out with someone from the telly?

-Yeah.

Get him to come and stay at Hotel Trubble. Celebrities attract guests.

Oh, no. I don't think Mr Trubble would be happy

about my handsome ex-boyfriends running about the place.

No, forget it. Right, now come with me, Lenny.

I want you to help me with setting up the spa.

I have a delivery of little cheeses arriving today,

-so I want you to pick off all the red wax and melt it down.

-Why?

For the bikini waxing!

Where else would I get wax from?

I'm getting fed up with Dolly's ideas.

She's Mr Trubble's girlfriend,

so we have to go along with everything she says. And buy cake!

I mean, if we had celebrities staying here,

it's not like Mr Trubble would have to know. You know?

It's not like he's listening in on everything.

SIREN

Hello. Hotel Trubble.

SHOUTING

No. No, Mr Trubble, we weren't talking about you.

What's that?

Your Chinese business associates

are finally moving the giant pandas out of the ballroom? Yeah.

Well, it's lucky that zoo just opened next door, isn't it?

Yes.

Yes, of course.

Right, Mr Trubble, sir, yeah. OK.

Goodbye.

Did you hear that, Sally?

-Exciting news.

-My programme!

Yes, Sally. Look...

Mr Trubble wants us to think of a creative way

to use the ballroom, to bring more people to the hotel.

If I could come up with a great idea,

Mr Trubble might promote me to hotel manager...

above Dolly.

Oh!

Hmmm, a ballroom... A ballroom...

I've got it! Ballroom dancing!

Brilliant!

All the shiny, sparkly dresses

and the hunky dancers in skin-tight trousers...

No!

I mean, er, surely there's got to be something else

we can do in the ballroom other than ballroom dancing? Ball...room?

Ball room. Why don't we use it for putting balls in it?

Yeah, like footballs.

Great big meatballs. Oooh, and cannonballs.

Did someone drop a cannonball on your head?

That's settled, then. We're going with my dancing idea, yeah?

And look, I found Dolly's phone book.

It was here in the lost property box.

-We could call her ex-boyfriend.

-Darren Chiseljaw?

-Yeah.

We just need to try and get him to stay at the hotel,

and then advertise it as a beautiful evening of ballroom dancing,

with the stars of Strictly Come Prancing. What do you think, Lenny?

I think it's a terrible idea.

-Ballroom dancing? The horror, the horror!

-Weirdo.

Right, Lenny. Dolly mustn't know anything

about tomorrow's ballroom dancing extravaganza.

It's important that she thinks we're doing the spa.

Can you go and help her with some spa things, keep her busy?

Whatever you say.

Just let me get out of here before THEY arrive.

How on earth did you get megastar dance judge Marlene Filament

to come to this crummy dump?

Er, I might have told them that VIPs get free use of our spa facilities.

-What spa?

-The spa that Dolly thinks we're helping her with,

-even though we're not.

-Jamie...

I don't believe it. Lenny has flooded the entire kitchen

and turned it into a cold plunge pool.

Isn't that brilliant?

Yeah...

-Brilliant!

-Brilliant.

Wow!

I can't believe that gorgeous Darren Chiseljaw is checking into my hotel.

We've arrived!

The supersonic stars of light entertainment,

here for the brilliant ballroom bonanza.

Where's the Jacuzzi?

Hello, treacle. So, this is the Hotel Barney Rubble - Trubble.

-Cor, you're a right currant bunner.

-You what?

Stunner. It's Cockney griming clang. Rhyming slang.

You know, how they talk in the East End? Apple and pears, stairs?

-No, I don't get it.

-Like this.

Your mince pies are like slimy bras.

Your eyes are like shiny stars.

That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard. Slimy bras!

You're dreamy...

Darren, I'd save all that smouldering energy for the rumba.

Hello, dear. I'm Marlene Filament, doctor of dance and jauntiest judge

on Strictly Come Prancing.

And this is the show's most passionate Prussian professional,

Ms Tatiana Vladivir.

Hi. I'm Sally,

receptionist and total mega-fan of all your work,

thank you for asking. Lenny will take your bags.

LENNY!

Hello, there. Oh my, you look familiar.

You ring more bells than Quasimodo on six pints of coffee.

What, me? No, I don't.

Shall I take your bags, person I've never met?

You do. You look just like someone I used to know a long time ago.

But he was as graceful as a gazelle.

Well, there you go, it can't be me. I'm not graceful at all.

See, look...

I'll deal with the bags.

Lenny, you're supposed to be keeping Dolly busy in the spa.

Oh, right!

What say you and me trip the light fandango?

You mean...dancing?

Why not just skip that bit and go straight to a wedding in Paris?

-Jamie...

-Woah, woah!

Jamie! What's going on?

Sorry, I was just trying a new exercise technique. Resistance!

I burnt off eight calories pushing you through that door.

I'm really getting into this health spa idea. Yes, siree!

See, I told you it was brilliant.

Yeah. This Jacuzzi's coming along well.

I hope the bubbles stay in.

Jamie, I don't suppose you've seen my special lucky marbles, have you?

-I've lost them and I really need them for good luck.

-Sorry, no.

Jamie, why was there a woman in reception

-wearing like a big feathered headdress?

-It's a new treatment.

Yes, haven't you ever heard of the healing power of chickens?

You just stay here, Dolly, and relax.

Oh, Lenny, have you hired that Swedish masseur that I asked for?

Yes, of course he has! Yes, of course.

Er, Lenny, go and get Sven.

Just lie down here, put your feet up.

There we are. I'm just going to put this over your face.

Yeah, there we go.

HE MOUTHS

Oh, yeah, I'll just go and get him.

Hurdy gurdy. I am Sven, the Svedish masseuse.

Yah, here to do your special Svedish massage.

Hey, why don't I show everyone to their rooms very, very quickly?

Come with me, Ms Vladivir, up the stairs. Just the six flights.

Well, I hope he's taking her to a good room with plenty of fresh air.

Tatiana needs to be in tip-top health for tomorrow's toe-tapping turn.

If anything were to happen to her, a terrible accident...

SCREAMING

CRASHING

I've found Lenny's marbles.

Tatiana, what a terrible accident.

Slaloming down six steps of slippery stairs. Are you OK?

-Rrrrrrrrrr....

-Can you move your finger? Go on, try.

SNAPPING

No chance you can do a Cuban merengue reverse turn,

French twist and cross-body lead with a cucaracha finish?

Rrrrrrrrrr!

Oh, that's a kick in the knickers.

Ms Filament, I'm so sorry. I can't apologise enough.

And now we're one dancer down for the big show.

Hello, Jamie.

Look at all the guests using our spa facilities.

What's she having done?

She's wearing a full-bodied mudpack.

Here, try some. Close your eyes...

Mmm, that mud smells healthy.

Yeah. It's special...mud

from the zoo next door.

-PARP!

-Get it while it's hot! Panda poo!

Tit for tat, that means hat.

Britney Spears is...

That rhyming! I know that voice.

That's Darren Chiseljaw, my old flame.

What's he doing at Hotel Trubble?

Um, he must be here to win you back, Dolly.

You ARE an irresistible woman.

Darren, I know why you're here.

This has to stop right now.

Blimey, Dolly, it's been donkey's years since I seen your boat race.

Face.

You've changed a bit. You're more muddy.

It's a reckless idea, Darren.

People will get hurt.

Nah. I mean, Tatiana fell down the apples and pears.

Stairs. But the worst I got during rehearsal is a sprained ankle.

Anyway, my agent said I should do this.

Said it'd be good to get amongst the fans. The little people.

The little people?

Is that what you think of me?!

I've never been so insulted in my life!

She has, just not to her face.

I don't get it! Why has she gone so chicken jalfrezi?

-Lazy?

-Crazy. About me coming here to do a ballroom display.

-I don't know. Women!

-Rahaha!

-Bad news, I'm afraid, Darren.

Tatiana won't be able to cha cha cha for the foreseeable.

-She's bruised every bone from

-her bonce to her backside.

-CRUNCHING

-Mmmmmm!

But she was my dance partner! On the custard and jelly.

Telly.

-Who's going to dance with me now?

-Dolly, Sven the Swedish masseuse

-says you've left your... unmentionables.

-This is important.

My big ballroom spectacular is in jeopardy.

There must be someone who can replace Tatiana!

Well, everyone?

Can anyone think of a girl who'd be up for wearing a free lovely dress

and dancing up very, very close with hunky Darren here,

in front of hordes of screaming fans?

Sorry, no. I can't think of anyone.

Really, Sally? Don't you want to be on TV?

Dancing cheek to cheek with Soapy Trousers here?

Shut up and leave me alone!

Oh, Sally! Jelly snakes?

You only hit the hard stuff when things are really bad. What's wrong?

-Nothing! I'm completely fine.

-Oh, right-o.

-No, I didn't mean it.

-Sorry.

It's Strictly Come Prancing, Jamie.

You know how much I'd love to dance in front of everyone

with a hunk like Darren...

So, why didn't you say yes?

Jamie, I've got a terrible secret.

Here it comes.

SHE SIGHS

-CRUNCH

-Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

It's coming...

Jamie!

I...

Can't...

..Dance!

What?!

Of course you can. I've seen you dancing! Loads of times.

No. You've only seen me dance for about eight seconds.

After eight seconds, it all goes terribly wrong!

Got that?

Seriously, I'm terrible!

People are physically sick at the sight of me dancing.

I'm sure that's not true.

I bet you're a beautiful dancer for more than eight seconds.

-I want you to show me.

-Rrrrrrrrrrr!

OK, Jamie. If you really believe in me.

Hit it!

Yeah! That's it! You've got the moves!

# The minute you walked in the joint

# I could see you were a man of distinction... #

Five, six, seven, eight.

Urgh, what's happening?

-This is terrible! My eyes! I can't look away!

# So let me get right to the point

# I don't pop my cork for every man I see... #

That's better.

# Hey, big spender...

HE VOMITS, SHE YELLS

Oh, stop the hurt!

That wasn't so bad.

No, Sally, that WAS so bad.

I've seen people with their bottoms on fire move with more grace!

Sally, I don't understand. How can you be such a terrible dancer?

I've got two left feet.

You can say that again! Your dancing made me Wallace and Gromit.

Vomit.

No, really. I do have two left feet. Look.

This defies physics!

Two lefts do not make a right!

Wow. I never noticed that before.

Though it does explain why she spends so much money on shoes.

He's right.

I have to buy two pairs and just wear the left ones.

Anyone want 50 strappy sandals, right foot only?

You keep all your right shoes?

Cor, you're a right peanut butter.

Nutter.

-Quiet, you big meanie!

-Shut it, you!

This I've got to see. Where do you keep 'em?

-CRASH

-Aaarrrgh!

Oh... My poor soap star superhunk!

Oh...

Poor me, more like! Now there's not one decent dancer in the whole hotel!

I'm not so sure about that. Not so sure at all!

Don't look at me. I'm terrible!

I knew I recognised you.

Little Lenworth Lemon!

From the Timmy Tippy-Toes School for Brilliant Boy Ballroom Dancers!

You were my prize pupil.

I don't know what you mean, Miss Filament!

I mean, whoever you are... Oooh!

All right, it's true.

I was once a brilliant boy ballroom dancer.

Lenny was the most beautiful dancer I'd ever seen.

But then, something happened. Something dreadful.

My terrible secret. Why I swore I would never dance again.

It was my final exam.

Grade 12, Modern Ballroom.

I finished with a Cuban pivot turn

and extended fan kick.

I'd done it a million times, but...

CRASHES

"Doughnut Dave to base, I've been attacked by an irate balletist.

"Send for back-up!

"And a vet!"

I swore from that very day that I would never dance again.

I'm cursed, you know.

Come on. What are the chances of your shoe coming off,

flying out the window, smashing the windscreen of a police car,

blinding the driver, causing a collision with the wall of a zoo

so an angry rhino escapes,

crushes a passing brass band, ever happening again?

It's got to be one in ten at the most.

-Even with that new zoo opening next door.

-She's right.

You have a glorious gift you must share with the world.

Is he really that Elijah Wood? Good?

I am. But I swore, remember?

I'll never dance again.

That's OK. You could teach Sally how to dance.

You know, with some other bloke.

We can't cancel now, we've sold hundreds of tickets.

Jamie, if Lenny can teach me to dance, he can teach you too.

But... We need a celebrity, like Darren.

The only time I was on TV was on You've Been Framed

when a swan bit my bum and I dropped my ice-cream.

That's more than famous enough to be on Strictly Come Prancing!

-I don't know, Sally. I'm not a big show off like you.

-Fine.

Shatter my dream.

I'll just be a two left-footed clod hopper for the rest of my life!

I'll never get to dance cheek to cheek

with my favourite bellboy in the whole world!

Oh, all right! I'll do it!

-Yeah!

-Yay!

-Yeah!

Right then, this is going to take a lot of training. Cue the music!

# Now I've got you in my sights... #

One, two, three, one, two, three...

-Am I hurting you?

-No-o-o-o-o-o!

Arghh!

# One look at you and I can't disguise I've got hungry eyes... #

Oh, no, no, no.

She looked angry. She looked angry.

# I've got hungry eyes

# Now I've got you in my sights... #

That's it! That's it!

Oh, you guys, I'm so proud, so proud!

Here we are then, the big show!

How did you manage to keep Dolly away?

She's just...relaxing.

In the spa.

# Feeling hot, hot, hot! #

Hello!

Jamie! Lenny!

The door's stuck!

-Is she going to be OK?

-Yeah, she'll be fine! We just need to

keep her out of the way until the big ballroom extravaganza is over.

When she sees what a success it is, she won't be angry. I hope.

Oh, and if you guys get nervous, you can always borrow my lucky marbles!

We don't need marbles. We're the best ballroom dancers to ever pasa doble!

Please welcome to the floor

Jamie and Sally!

# Oh-what-wow He's the greatest dancer

# Oh-what-wow

# That I've ever seen

# Oh-what-wow

# He's the greatest dancer

# Oh-what-wow... #

Oh, I knew they'd be brilliant. And it's all thanks to my lucky marbles!

Oh, Marlene!

We're so, so, so, so sorry about what happened!

Tonight was supposed to be a celebration of ballroom dancing.

Sequins, the tan tights, the men with greasy hair

holding flowers in their teeth, skidding on their knees.

And you two have made it look...

silly. I'm getting out of this weird hotel, back to EastEnders,

where it's safer. I don't know what you taught those two, Lenny,

but your feet are offensive weapons.

Nil points!

Oh. Right-oh.

Hello, everybody!

Hello, Dolly. About tonight...

Oh, yeah. Look, I'm so sorry that I wasn't around to help run the hotel.

I only went and got locked in the sauna!

I was in there for eight hours!

Had to drink my own sweat to survive.

-Eurgh.

-Mind you,

my pores have never been so clean.

But more importantly,

I just had the strangest conversation with the zookeeper next door.

Now, I need to know...

Who is the owner of this sparkly left-footed shoe?

Because he says he saw it come flying out of the ballroom window.

And if it did come from here, then I will be very annoyed.

Ask her.

She's missing a Scooby.

Scooby Doo?

Shoe! It's shoe!

She is missing a shoe, Dolly.

But as you can see, she's wearing a left shoe.

And that's a left shoe you've got in your hand.

So they only way that could be Sally's shoe

is if she had two left feet!

And that would be ridiculous!

Yeah!

Ha ha! Ha ha ha! Oh, well, this can't be your shoe, then, can it?

I'm just going to go and tell the zookeeper that

I've no idea what he's talking about.

Brass bands, zoo walls, hippos...

He must have been making it all up to impress me!

Aren't men silly?

If they're not doing that, they're turning up at my hotel,

declaring their undying love for me.

You what? No chance!

Come on, you.

Sherbet Dab - cab!

May I say, Sally,

that's a lovely new receptionist's outfit you're wearing there.

Well, I didn't get promoted to manager,

but at least we're all back to normal.

Hey...

-who fancies a dance?

-Ooh, I'll say!

PHONE RINGS

# Oh-what-wow! He's the greatest dancer... #

Hello, Hotel Trubble.

# Hotel Trubble forever

# It's the pits and we know we're stuck

# But we love it

# Hotel Trubble forever

# We're a team staying calm on and on

# So the hotel survives

# Trubble, trubble Keep the hotel alive! #