Why Do I Need to Go to Sleep? Little Howard's Big Question

Everybody lived happily ever after... except for the bunny,

who went to prison, for the rest of his life.

-Blimey! I didn't expect that.

-No.

Night, night, Little Howard.

Sleep tight.

Don't let the bed bugs bite.

The what?

Um, nothing!

HOWLING

BUG CACKLES

No!

There's a massive bed bug!

Get the fly spray!

Fly swat!

Have that, take that, you big bug!

Don't just stand there. Get a sword!

-What are you doing?

-It's not a bed.

It's a big bug. It's a big bed bug bed.

Little Howard, your bed isn't a bug.

It's not even a bug bed, or a bed bug. It's just a bed.

You had a big bad bed bug bed dream.

But it's very late...

Come on, in you get, in you get.

Good night.

DOOR OPENS

Oh, no!

HORN BLARES

I, Little Howard, have come up with another Big Question.

Why do I have to go to sleep?

I do wish you wouldn't do that.

News just in. We're getting reports of monster bed bugs

on the streets of Purley.

HORN BLARES

# I love monkeys I love monkeys

# All those happy little chirpy little monkeys

# With their tails and their bananas

# I think that if we were all monkeys we'd have happier mananas

# Give me monkeys lots of monkeys

# For you know that it's the monkeys I adore

# If my love said that she did not love those monkeys

# I wouldn't love her any more Thank you very much. #

Can we do that again, please?

I think I did a guff at the top of the second verse.

We haven't got time to answer your Big Question, Little Howard.

No, we've got to get the FBI to seal off my bedroom.

And carry out a controlled explosion on my bed.

No, I mean, we have to go to sleep.

But, why?

You just do.

Mother, a little help here, please?

Would you mind taking my cucumbers off?

-How did?

-Hello, boys. What's wrong? Can't you sleep?

-No.

-Little Howard can't sleep, because he's had a

nightmare about giant bed bugs.

And I can't sleep, because Little Howard's

had a nightmare about giant bed bugs.

You know what helps me sleep?

Extremely loud rock music.

-Brilliant!

-No!

-Thrash metal, anyone?

That sounds lovely.

LOUD MUSIC PLAYS Stop it! No, stop it! Stop it!

Turn it off! Turn it off!

You'll wake the neighbours! MUSIC STOPS

-Big, Big Howard...

-This is a quiet, respectable area!

DOORBELL Look! Look what you've done!

-You've torn it now.

-Big Howard!

-Hello!

-Why are you shouting at the top of your voice

in the middle of the night for?

-I'm sorry!

-You're still doing it.

I see what you mean. Sorry!

You'll wake the street up with that foghorn mouth of yours.

It was my computer. She was playing really loud rock music.

I don't mind really loud rock music.

It's not everyone's cup of tea but it helps me to sleep.

-But your shouting doesn't.

-All I can do is apologise.

-I really...

-Either you belt up

or I'll give you a punch up the bracket.

-I've got to be on my forklift at 6.00am.

-Good night.

-Honestly!

-Thank you, good night.

Who was that?

No-one. Mother, all I wanted you to do was to explain how tiny, harmless

-and very, very rare bed bugs are in real life.

-I'll do better than that.

I can tell you about bed bugs, and everything that lives in your bed.

-As long as you don't scare him or anything.

-Of course not.

Now, what do you thank this is?

Ah! It's a massive alien!

No, it's just a tiny little dust mite.

Dust mites are much more common than bed bugs.

And I've magnified this one several thousand times,

to help calm you down.

How was that supposed to help calm him down?

There are up to ten million dust mites inside the average mattress.

It's like sleeping in a lovely zoo,

-full of sweet little parasites.

-What are they doing in there?

Oh, they're just having a little snack... on this.

Oh. Do they eat cornflakes?

No, they eat flakes of human skin.

-What?

-Yes, dust mites eat your skin.

The skin's already fallen off you, though. They're harmless.

And this all happens in my bed?

Yes. Aren't you lucky?

And that's not all. There's this in your bed.

-What's that?

-It's dust mite poo!

Droppings, turds, botty chocolate.

Up to one tenth of the weight of a two year old

pillow will be made up of the dead corpses of dust mites and their poo!

I feel a bit sick.

Never mind dust mites. Can't you just explain to Little Howard how small,

and very rare bed bugs are?

So we can all go back to sleep.

Will do. This is a bed bug.

Think of it as a sweet little ladybird, who sucks your blood.

It does what?

Oh, yes. Sorry, didn't I mention?

They feed on human blood.

They're like vampire insects,

that crawl all over you as you're asleep. Night, night!

-Don't tell him that!

-That's it. I am never going to sleep ever again.

Bed bugs are tiny, and they're much rarer than dust mites.

And it's just like a little tiny mosquito bite.

-Now, anyone fancy some grindcore?

-Why do I ever ask you anything?

Good night, Little Howard.

LOUD MUSIC PLAYS

Back into bed, Little Howard.

I am not getting in there ever again.

It's full of flesh-eating parasols.

No, it's full of flesh-eating parasites.

Anyway, it's not... just, just go to sleep. Good night.

< BREAKING GLASS

-Go to sleep!

-No.

I'm warning you.

-I'm never going to sleep again.

-Get into bed.

But I'm two under par.

Good night.

< WHIRRING

What?

Well, I've stayed up all night and my eyes feel a little bit funny.

But otherwise I'm fine. I don't think that people

really need to sleep at all.

You kept me up all night as well. And I need to sleep.

And in fact, I'd quite like to go to sleep now.

-But why?

-Well, because, because...

Oh, I'm too tired to think of an answer.

But if you went out on the street, and asked anybody out there,

-they'd give you ten good reasons.

-Well, let's go and ask them, then.

That should wake you up.

Can I ask you a question?

Could you tell me, why do you think we have to go to sleep?

We need to go to sleep to give our parents a break.

To refresh our bodies from exertions

of the time we've been awake, I suppose.

What I really want to know is,

have you got any tips to help me stay awake?

Video games, television.

Oh.

Drink lots of caffeine,

and you'll be awake forever.

Oh, that's a good one.

Can you think of a way that I can trick my friend,

Little Howard, into going to sleep?

Best way to go to sleep is to have a song sung to me.

Probably reading, listening to music and maybe counting sheep.

BAA!

-Why don't you try counting all the sheep, Little Howard?

-But, why?

Well, because the farmer wants to teach them to count,

so he can enter them in the European Mathematical Sheep

of the Year competition.

Sounds plausible.

Right, where are we?

1, 2, 3, 18, 19, 20...

Oh! Ah! Ow!

Oh! Ow!

Oh, ow, he's a big one. Ow! Ow!

-Ouch.

-Are you all right, Little Howard?

-There are 198 sheep.

You counted them from down there?

I counted the number of hooves

that trod on my head, and divided by four.

I must remember to count sheep next time I want to stay awake.

That has really woken me up.

'Well, that didn't work. Quick, Brain, I need another idea.'

'I've found that drinking warm milk helps me get my beauty sleep.'

Ah-ha! Thank you, Brain.

LOUD MOOING

What are you doing to that cow?

Thought I'd get you a lovely warm glass of fresh milk.

That is never where milk comes from, is it?

Yeah. It's lovely, isn't it?

Ah, that's revolting!

I'm never drinking milk again. Bleugh!

Oh, for goodness sake!

'OK, Brain, this is your last chance. I need one more idea.'

-'What about a lullaby?'

-Brilliant!

What?

What?

# La, la, la, la, la. # What shall we do now, to help me stay awake?

-I know. You could go to bed.

-Yeah, that's a brilliant...

Wait a minute... no! I've told you, I'm never setting foot in my

bedroom, ever again, until it's been blown up by the FBI.

-Right. Hey, we could have an all night sing song.

-Yeah, brilliant!

I'll get everything ready.

-You nip out and buy an accordion.

-Yeah, accordion!

Right.

-# La, la, la, la. #

-ACCORDION SQUEAKS

I've got the accordion, Big Howard.

But it was a bit of a wild goose chase.

What do you mean?

I got chased by a wild goose on the way home.

-Right. Let's go into the living room, and start a sing song.

-Brilliant.

I've just got to learn to play the accordion first.

Well, why don't we do my song first?

Come on through.

-What's going on?

-Do you like what I've done?

You've made the living room into my bedroom!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm just trying something a little bit different.

Living rooms that look like six year old boy's bedrooms

-are really in fashion.

-Right.

Do you want to just hop into bed?

I mean, hop onto the horizontal sofa.

-They're all the rage.

-Oh, I see.

-Right, I'll just tuck you...

I mean, pull up the sofa duvet there.

And I'll start a sing along... woo! OK, sing along.

I know, I'll do a song that my dad used to sing to me every day.

# Sleep you tight my darling Hope sweet dreams are on their way

# And the bed bugs keep at bay

# And you do not have to slay any big ones

# Who've mutated to the size of cats and dogs

# Hope the bed bugs don't have talons

# And great teeth to bite your legs

# Drain your marrow to the dregs

# But I'm sure they won't attack you If you lie here very still.

# I checked the bed for monsters There are several underneath

# And they're sharpening their teeth

# After gorging on the carcass of a boy who bothered grown ups

# He went like a lamb to slaughter all for just one glass of water

# But you're safer now because there's still a quarter of them left

# See that shadow hanging by the door

# It could be a dressing gown or nothing more

# But it's a rotting corpse of Zombie Jim... #

Ah, zombies!

# And I pity any little child Who tries to get past him. #

This is the scariest song I've ever heard.

But the ukulele is strangely soothing.

# Heaven knows I miss you when you sleep

# But the devil knows the company I keep

# While you're up here safely in your bed

# I'll be downstairs a thousand witches dancing with the dead. #

HE SNORES

Wait a minute.

I think Big Howard was trying to make me go to sleep.

Well, I showed...

HE SNORES

TOYS SQUEAK

Mice!

Oh, Big Howard, Big Howard, are you all right? Big Howard?

Oh, no, Big Howard's sleep walking.

Oh, oh, isn't it dangerous to wake up a sleepwalker? Oh, oh, dear.

Big Howard... no. (Big Howard...)

No, don't go through there.

That's the stairs down to the basement.

No!

I mean, no. Oh, no, I can't wake him up.

It's dangerous... Oh!

Will Little Howard save Big Howard from falling down the stairs?

Will Little Howard ever go to sleep again?

Do the writers really think they can

get away with stealing this voice over from DangerMouse?

Find out after these fake adverts, and the inevitable lawsuit.

Have you fallen asleep at work, or at school, in the last six months,

and had a nightmare? Then you could call Dream Insurance,

and sue the living moonlights out of them.

Are you fed up with finding yourself naked during Geography?

Or falling down a big hole and waking up

just before you hit the bottom,

-most times?

-Ow.

-Yes.

-Hairy Knee Cheese Dream Triangles.

Each flavour gives you a completely different dream

straight after you've eaten it.

So, no more being chased by bees through the store's food hall.

No, you'll be flying over Berlin, with Gwen Stefani, when you eat

Hairy Knee Cheese Dream Triangles. Yeah!

Oh, no! I can't wake him up. It's dangerous.

THUDDING

Ou-ou-ouch...

-Big Howard, are you all right?

-Not really.

I had a dream that I fell down a flight of stairs.

You did, Big Howard. You were sleepwalking, but I'd heard it was

dangerous to wake up a sleep walker.

I think it might be more dangerous

to let them fall down a flight of stairs.

Oh, yes.

Do you see now, why it can be dangerous not to go to sleep?

No way. When I nodded off for just

a couple of seconds, you nearly broke every bone in your body.

If I fell asleep for a whole night,

the Chuckle Brothers might fall into a mincer.

Mmm.

MUSIC: "Big Brother" theme

Day Five without sleep in the Big Howard House.

It's not the Big Howard House, it's my house too.

Sorry. Day Five without sleep in the Big Howard, Little Howard House.

Little Howard starts to hallucinate,

seeing and hearing things that aren't really there.

-I'm not.

-Who are you talking to?

Can't you hear that?

-Hear what?

-Oh, dear.

Three days ago, on Day Two without sleep, Little Howard's immune system

started showing signs of stress.

-He got spots and a cold.

-Atchoo!

-Bless you.

-Bless you.

Two days ago, on Day Three without sleep, he started showing signs of

moodiness. And an inability to repeat simple tongue twisters.

I did not show a moody gibbly, bibbly...

sibbly... So, shut up!

Didn't say anything.

On Day Four without sleep,

he started having memory lapses, and a difficulty concentrating.

I did not, or did I?

Sorry, what were we talking about?

Are you all right, Little Howard?

And, on Day Five, he started going properly loopy.

HE GIGGLES STRANGELY

I think you should go to bed.

Never!

Day Six without sleep, Little Howard's speech is slowing

and he's having difficulty naming common objects.

My sp... and look, that is the, the thingy,

and that's er...

Is a great big grinning robot.

-ROBOT:

-Can you pass the milk, please?

Well, pass him the milk, then.

Pass who the milk?

Will you please pass the milk to that robot?

His hallucinations are getting worse.

Do you see why you've got to go to sleep? You're falling apart.

No, I'm not. Am I?

-No, oh, no. Certainly not.

-The massive chicken agrees with me.

What?!

Day Seven without sleep.

As well as the hallucinations, Little Howard is irritable.

Pass me the cornflakes.

Why won't that dolphin pass me the flipping cornflakes?

DOLPHIN LAUGHS

Hello, Mr Unicorn. Now, tell me, have we met?

You should go to bed, Little Howard.

Oh, don't you start.

Day Eight without sleep...

at one o'clock in the morning.

Will you put a flipping sock in it?

Right! I've had enough of this abuse, I'm off.

And, another thing, I'm fed up with people

doing terrible impressions of me.

What is that horrible noise?

LOUD SNORING

Oh, no, Big Howard must have been eaten by a grizzly bear.

Wait a minute, where's the bear?

It's coming from Big Howard.

Big Howard has eaten the grizzly bear.

The loudest recorded snore was measured at 93 decibels, which is

as loud as a motorbike eight metres away, a jet aircraft a mile away.

And is loud enough to damage your hearing

if you listen to it all night.

Snoring is caused by a soft tissue which supports the nasopharynx...

HE SNORES

Oh, ah!

SONG BEGINS

-# Mr Sandman Bring me a dream. #

-Wake up, stop snoring.

# Make him the cutest that I've ever seen

# Give him two lips like roses and clover

# Then tell him that his lonesome nights are over

-# Sandman I'm so alone. #

-Oh, I know.

# Don't have nobody to call my own. #

Try this.

# Please turn on your magic beam Mr Sandman bring me a dream. #

Let's get that on. Ha, ha!

HE GIGGLES

One of these...

LITTLE HOWARD LAUGHS

Oh, this is boring. Oh...

Do you know anything about this?

-I woke up with his on my head. I must have looked ridiculous.

-Ha, ha, ha!

You've gone insane. I'm taking you to a professional.

-Funny.

-I, I despair.

You, you, get in the car.

SHE LAUGHS

Welcome to the Surrey Clinical Research Centre.

I'm Steven. How can I help you both?

I must say, it's a very jolly sleep research facility you've got here.

I'm glad you think so. But that could be because of your face.

-Have I got something in my teeth?

-No.

-Can we please get on?

Little Howard hasn't slept for eight days, for goodness sake!

Don't worry, you can use our washrooms at the end of the hallway.

-Thank you.

-Goodness sake! The man's obsessed, going on and on.

-HE CHUCKLES

-I did that.

Nice work. But what's made you not want to go to sleep?

It was my Big Question. And I have categorically proved

that I do not need to go to sleep, officer.

I think you do need to go to sleep

cos everybody needs it.

If you don't - your brain doesn't recover.

The world record is about 11 and a bit days of staying awake.

We don't know what happens when you stay awake for longer

than that. But our best guess is that you could slip into a coma.

After that you could die.

And we don't want that to happen to anybody.

So, it's not very sensible for you stay awake for much longer.

Sorry, hang on, I'm, I'm not really following you.

For some reason, I'm finding it hard to concentrate these days.

So, what made you stop wanting to go to sleep?

I had a nightmare about bed bugs.

-Ah, bed bugs. Do you have bed bugs?

-I don't know.

If you did have bed bugs, you'd probably know cos they'd bite you.

If you change your sheets frequently,

-bed bugs aren't a problem.

-I see.

DOOR OPENS

Excuse me, is there a dream where you're walking down a corridor,

and everyone's pointing at you and laughing?

There probably is a dream like that.

But, in your case, you've got make-up on and a big moustache.

Oh!

And are you feeling better about going to sleep now?

I think it would really convince me

if you said it in the form of a song and dance.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to leave you to it. I don't sing.

Oh, well, that's a shame.

# Sleep will calm you

# Bed will rest you

# I have got to go to sleep

# Go to bed or go insane

# After several days awake I have found it hard to take

# Control back of my brain

# I have got to close my eyes

# Close the door upon the day

# After several days alert

# My head has start to hurt

# Drop off and float away

# And I can answer your question of why you go to bed

# That's if you don't you'll go out of your head

# I have got to have a kip

# Let my brain rest for the night

# Bed will rest you

# I need more than 40 winks

# That is what the experts thinks for my head to wake up right

# I have got to go to bed

# Go to sleep or go berserk

# It is not coincidence

# That I have been a little mental And my legs no longer work

# For sleep's your mind's little playground

# And dreams its cinema

# Bed bugs are the extras You're the star

# I have got to go to sleep Go to bed or go insane

# After several days awake I have found it hard to take

# Bed will rest you

# Sleep will calm you

# Bed will rest you... #

Sorry about that. Couldn't help but burst into song.

It was all right. You're not as good as me,

-but you help your end up.

-Oh, thank you.

Thank you for coming, everybody.

Little Howard hasn't slept for eight days.

So, I really need to keep him asleep. So, if you could try very hard

not to laugh too loudly, at any of my jokes.

Shouldn't be any problem there.

That's too loud. No, shh! No, you're going to wake him up.

Shh. Yeah, that's great, yeah. OK.

Let's get this show on the road.

There's ah... What's the difference between a butcher's assistant,

and an insomniac? You'll love this one.

One of them stays awake, the other one weighs a steak.

THEY GRUMBLE

No, you can laugh louder than that.

Thank you, thank you very much. Look, Gwen there's the Reichstag.

THEY LAUGH LOUDLY

What are you laughing at? That didn't even make any sense!

LITTLE HOWARD LAUGHS