Why Can't I Fly? Little Howard's Big Question

-There's nothing like breakfast alfresco is there?

-Who's Al Fresco?

-No, alfresco means outside in Italian.

-Oh.

You know I'm not Italian, don't you?

No, it's just another way of saying eating outside.

But it's not a way of saying it that I understand.

Next time someone says it, you'll understand.

Yes, I suppose I will.

I'm eating my breakfast Bob Rescue.

-No, Alf Rescue...co. Alfresco.

-Bless you.

Why do you hug your orange juice before you drink it?

You said it tastes better when it's freshly squeezed.

No, it's the oranges...

-Never mind. Shall I make some more?

-Yes, please.

Is it me, or is that seagull staring at my breakfast brioche?

I don't trust seagulls.

Remember when we had fish and chips at the seaside

and a seagull stole my chips, and my pickled egg, and my fish,

and the paper it was wrapped in, and my bike.

Why would a seagull want your bike?

It had five gears and a Thomas The Tank Engine bell.

It was quite a catch for a seagull. Aargh!

Help! Seagull attack. That seagull's got my breakfast.

Call the Air Force. Get me a jet pack!

I shouldn't have filled this up so high.

I hope nothing gives me a big shock, cos it'll go everywhere.

Little Howard? Little Howard?

HORN BLARES

I, little Howard, have come up with another of my biiiig questions.

Why can't I fly?

All I'd ask is you gave me a little bit more warning

when you were going to do that.

It'll be a beautiful day today, especially in Purley,

where we're getting reports of monkeys dancing in the streets.

HORN BLARES

# I love monkeys I love monkeys

# All those happy little chirpy little monkeys

# With their tails and their bananas

# I think that if we all were monkeys

# We'd have happier mananas

# Get me monkeys, lots of monkeys

# Monkeys I adore

# If my love said that she did not love those monkeys

# I wouldn't love her any more. # Thank you very much.

We love you too, little Howard.

We have to take that again, a monkey talked.

Oh, for goodness sake.

Sorry, you sing this song about how much you love monkeys every week

and I thought...

Yeah, but we're still filming.

You can't just talk while we're still rolling.

This is the titles for the show!

Sorry, little Howard.

Too late. It'll come out of your wages.

-We ready for another take?

-Stupid monkeys.

You can't fly because of gravity.

What's gravity?

Is it a cross between gravy and tea?

-No.

-Oh, yes, sorry, that's Bovril, isn't it?

Is gravity like Bovril?

No.

Is it like any other beef-based beverage on the market?

No, gravity's the force that pulls us down to the ground.

It's the force that made the orange juice fall on my head.

So it's like clumsiness?

You made me jump!

Howard Oliver Drinkwater Reed. Look at the state of you.

-Get in the bath this instant.

-That is where I was going.

I need to have a word with Mother.

Can you go up and fill the bath for me, please?

OK. Dum-de-dum.

Listen, little Howard's got it into his head

that he wants to learn to fly.

Can you tell him it's not possible? He won't listen to me.

-Of course, and don't worry, your secret's safe with me.

-What secret?

-I've filled the bath, big Howard.

-Brilliant.

Remember what I said, Mother.

Mother's the word.

That's what I said.

What's this nonsense about you wanting to fly?

It's not nonsense. I do want to fly.

Humans aren't built for flight.

Their bones are too big and heavy.

Birds can fly because their bones are so light they're almost hollow.

If human bones were that flimsy, you'd collapse in a heap,

especially if you were a great fat thing like big Howard.

Also, birds have two sets of very strong breast muscles

that account for 35% of their body weight.

If humans had them, they'd look like this.

No-one looks like that.

If they did, they'd never fall down a manhole again.

So those are the only reasons that humans can't fly then?

-Well, there's that, but of course they don't have wings.

-Oh, right.

But I see people flying all the time on telly.

I know, I'll show you people who look like they're flying

and you have to tell me how they're doing it.

Wow, he's not touching the ground, he's flying!

Sadly not. Look.

You see? He wasn't really flying.

He'd just been shot out of a cannon. How about this one?

-He's floating in mid air!

-How do you think he's doing it, though?

I'd say his lovely bouffant hair was made of magic.

Good guess, but they're not flying, they're actually falling.

But the plane they're in is falling at the same speed,

so it looks like they're floating.

It's called parabolic flying.

So it's not his hair that's magic then?

Little Howard, when I said to fill the bath,

-I meant to fill it with water.

-Oh.

And whatever horse you got that from needs to see a vet.

Now, do you see that ordinary people can't fly?

Yes, I suppose so.

Good, so let's hear no more of this nonsense.

Mind you, superheroes can fly, of course.

Are superheroes real?

Oh, yes. Big Howard used to be a superhero, you know.

No! I'd know if he was.

Well, he could never give away his secret identity, but look.

Help! Help! Big Hero, help!

Shush, damsel, fear not, Big Hero's here.

-Big Hero, thank goodness.

-Big Poo.

-What did he say?

-Big Hero?

It sounded quite a lot like Big Poo.

-No, definitely Big Hero.

-Right, what can I do for you, hot stuff?

Can I save your baby from a tidal wave? Can I wrestle a bear?

Can I punch a giant iguana?

-No, I've forgotten where I parked my car.

-Find your flipping car?

I can fly at 10,000 mph, for heaven's sake.

It's a yellow Fiat Punto.

Fine.

Big Howard can fly!

Yes, but he hasn't done it for years.

Has he still got his magic costume?

Oh, I wouldn't let him throw that out.

Here, that gives me a very irresponsible idea.

-What are you doing?

-I'm throwing all your clothes up on the roof.

Oh, I see, OK. Sure. What!? Why?

So you can fly up and get them.

Oh, I see. OK. I've got you. What the... Why?

I told mother to tell you that people can't fly and now you

think I can fly and you've thrown all my clothes on the roof.

What on earth did she say?

It's OK, big Howard, I know all about your secret identity.

And besides, I haven't thrown ALL your clothes up on the roof.

Oh, no.

But I saw you flying with my own eyes.

I was acting, little Howard,

in a TV show called The Extraordinary Adventures Of Big Hero.

It was a job I did before I started doing comedy.

I never actually flew. It was all done with special effects.

But how did you fly in the mystifying mystery

of the missing yellow Fiat Punto?

I'll explain once we've got my clothes.

You're going to have to fly to do that,

-because remember the ladder got stolen by those squirrels.

-Oh, yeah.

Oi! Come back!

Flipping squirrels!

I'll call the Fire Brigade.

They'll get my clothes down.

Hello, the Fire Brigade?

Can you come round and take my trousers down?

Yes, all right. Goodbye.

They said never call again, especially if there's a fire.

So can you show me how you flew then?

I'll do just that.

To the BBC!

-Oh, is there a dress code?

-Good heavens, no.

-Brilliant!

# I need a hero

# I'm holding out for a hero till the end of the night

# He's gotta be strong And he's gotta be fast

# And he's gotta be fresh from the fight

# I need a hero

# I'm holding out for a hero till the morning light

# He's gotta be sure It's gotta be soon

# And he's gotta be larger than life... #

Wow! That's amazing. It's magic!

-I'm afraid it isn't.

-Who are you?

This is Charlie, my old director.

We worked together on my TV show.

What idiot gave you your own TV show?

Ahem.

Oh.

Yes, well, that nearly got me fired.

Anyway, it only looks likes you're flying on the TV.

The computer removes all the blue

and puts in a picture of whatever you like. Take a look at this.

Oh, look, I'm flying on the telly!

I'm flying! But I'm not even moving, that's rubbish. Wow!

Look, I'm moving. I'm really moving! No, I'm not.

All I can see is a load of blue everywhere.

This must be what it's like to live at the bottom of the sea.

Yeah, imagine that.

Before computers, they did it with rear projection.

Just step over here, please.

-What's this?

-This is the Wright Brothers,

one of the first people

to successfully build and fly an aeroplane, in 1903.

-Oh, it's going to hit us!

-It's not real, big Howard.

Ow!

I'm afraid I'm not interested in flying in an aeroplane, Charlie.

-Why not?

-I don't like the food.

If you want to fly without a plane or wings,

I know someone that can help.

Scientists at the University of Nottingham

have made tomatoes and strawberries levitate using magnets.

Wow! That's amazing.

Can you take us there right now?

With TV magic?

Of course not, I'm a TV director, not a wizard. Just step over here.

Because you can't do it, isn't it? You're rubbish.

-Oh, come on.

-OK and jump in the air, please.

Thanks, Charlie.

The University of Nottingham's

Tomato and Strawberry Levitating Department.

Something like that, yeah. Come on.

Don't look now, we're being followed. Look!

-You said I shouldn't look now.

-That was then. You can look now.

-It's that seagull.

-I can't see him.

On that lamppost, taunting us with his twitching beak,

the one who stole my breakfast brioche.

Look at him, the dirty brute.

How can you be sure it's the same seagull?

I'd know him anywhere, those greedy eyes,

the brioche crumbs stuck to his claws.

I'm going to learn to fly and I'll get you!

Richard from the diamagnetic levitation department

is waiting for us. Come on.

Shall we run?

Yeah.

# Da-na da-na da-na da-na da-na da-na...lunch! #

-We've heard that you can make things levitate?

-That's true.

We can make things fly. We can make things levitate using this machine.

it's set up for levitating things with lots of water in,

-so fruit and vegetables, that kind of thing.

-Fantastic.

Can you levitate a raspberry?

Yeah, we can levitate a raspberry.

-What about an elderberry?

-We can levitate that, too.

-What about a loganberry?

-Yeah.

A kumquat?

Yeah, a kumquat as well.

-I'm not even sure I know what a kumquat is.

-What about a gooseberry?

Can you stop listing fruit?

Richard, can you show us some of the stuff you can make levitate?

Inside this tin can we have a very strong electromagnet.

An electromagnet is a coil of wire

wrapped round and round which you pass an electric current through.

We pass so much electric current,

it generates a very powerful magnetic field

and this magnetises objects that you don't normally think of as magnetic,

fruit and vegetables and so on.

Anti-gravity blackberry. Wow!

It's flying! Mushrooms can fly!

Make it spin, Richard. Make it spin round.

That's amazing.

Let's try another thing. Ask him, please. Go on, ask him.

Yes, all right. All right. Calm down.

Little Howard would like to see if this can fly.

-It's called Super Sausage.

-Come on, Super Sausage.

All the mustard you want if you can do this. Come on.

Oh, you're rubbish, Super Sausage.

Excuse me, Mr Scientist.

Why can't you make Super Sausage fly?

The magnet's set up for levitating water at the moment

and the Super Sausage doesn't have enough water in it.

-It's just a bit too fatty.

-Big Hero, we can always try Plan B.

Yes, all right.

-Can you try this as well? He's called Mega Carrot.

-Yeah, OK.

Is it an orange bird?

Is it an orange plane? No, it's a levitating root vegetable.

It's Mega Carrot!

It's flying, hooray!

-I don't suppose you could...

-Big Howard,

-you just ate Super Sausage.

-Could you ever make people fly with this?

Well, we could, but we just can't fit people inside the small hole.

So I'm sorry, little Howard, you're just too big to fit.

CONTINUITY ANNOUNCER: We appear to be experiencing

technical problems with little Howard's dream sequence.

Normal service will be resumed in a few moments.

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LITTLE HOWARD LAUGHS

Little Howard? Little Howard?

Brilliant! So we can use this machine to make us fly.

Haven't you been listening?

Richard just explained we can't make people fly!

Could we train some superhero carrots to do it for us?

Little Howard! Sorry, he goes into these dream sequences.

-Are you having a dream sequence again?

-Yeah.

-Well, stop it.

-It was a really good one this week...

-Oi!

Sorry. So I'm no closer to learning to fly then?

Well, I did tell you about Jet Man.

-Jet who?

-For goodness sake! Richard told us about a man in Switzerland

who can fly using jet power.

Hooray! Where's Switzerland?

I don't know, but he also says there's a bloke in the UK

who is trying to do it.

Is that the bloke who flew over the English Channel?

It took a lot of hard work, that. It's basically

a standard aerodynamic rigid aeroplane-type carbon fibre wings,

with a span of about 8 feet.

Then you've got four small kerosene-burning

jet engines that are a big version of a type designed

for model aeroplanes.

You use the hand throttle and your body to manoeuvre,

and Bob's your uncle.

Wow! It must be amazing, being able to fly.

Yes, I suppose it must be, mustn't it?

Yeah.

-Don't you know?

-I've never actually gone as high as that

with my own jet wings.

-You mean that's not you?

-Oh no. No, not yet.

But it will be when I get the funding.

Who's that then?

That's Yves Rossi, an ex-military pilot from Switzerland.

Nice bloke, bit of a swat and of course, he's got a girl's name.

But me and him have been working

to perfect jet-propelled human flight

for 20 years or more. Of course, he's rather got the edge on me now.

So how high can you fly at the moment then?

I'll show you if you like.

If you two pop out of the shed,

-then I'll get jetted up, as we jet men call it.

-Brilliant!

-Brilliant!

He'll never be able to fly very high, will he?

I don't know, depends how powerful his jet engines are.

He knows what he's talking about.

He lives in a shed!

He's been working hard on this for a long time.

I don't know if you've noticed but I actually had to use

some ordinary household objects.

Don't worry, though.

-The principle is as sound as a pound.

-Really? As much as a pound?

Can you fly as high as a seagull?

Well, it depends how high the seagull is.

-What about getting my clothes off the roof?

-I could lend you a ladder.

-That would be great!

-No, we need you to fly!

OK. Well, let's fire this baby up and see how high she goes.

I've made some minor adjustments this morning,

so fingers crossed it should go higher than Tuesday,

-although today, though, the wind...

-Get on with it!

-Right.

OK, well, shall we have a countdown?

-Yeah.

-100...

10, 9, 8, 7, 6...

5, 4, 3, 2, 1...

hooray!

-Oh, monkey dos.

-Well, it was better than Tuesday.

So, about that ladder then?

Oh, it looks like I'm never going to be able to fly.

Don't be like that. I know somewhere you can fly.

-What do you mean?

-Have you never heard of indoor skydiving?

-No.

They do it in Bedford.

-Hooray, Bedford!

-I can take you there now if you like.

-Brilliant!

-If you pay my bus fare and lend us 40 quid.

-Oh, for goodness sake.

Well, where is it? He's brought us to the middle of nowhere.

-There's nothing here... Oh, right.

-Yeah, there it is.

That's the largest indoor skydiving wind tunnel in the world, you know.

And they do a very good bacon sandwich.

Yes, it's safer and a lot less scary than actual skydiving,

which is just as well, cos I'm not terribly keen on heights. So...

What?!

Wow! Look at them, they're brilliant at it.

Welcome to Body Flight. We are the world's

largest and fastest indoor skydiving facility.

Wow! Look at how high they're going. They're spinning round and round

and round and round and round and round and round.

Your legs, I'm just going to bend them slightly at the knees.

We need to keep you in a stable flying position.

OK, not too bad.

Good, good, good, and bring your palms up.

Well done.

-There we go, look at that, perfect body position.

-Swot! Teacher's pet!

OK, so that's the propeller. It's got a diameter of five metres.

That's twice the size of you.

And it goes at 150 miles an hour, at 750 revs per minute.

It doesn't blow you up. It sucks you up.

The air goes round the sides, comes back and pushes you back up.

Yay! Let's fly. At last!

Ready to go? Let's go. Wooh!

What, right now? There's a very good cafe downstairs, you know. Oh, dear.

Wow!

Cor! Look at Big Howard flying!

Look at his big, flappy face.

Turn it up! Come on!

Maybe Jet Man shouldn't have had all those bacon sandwiches.

Apparently he's sick every time.

Every time he's been here they have to clean the fan.

He's very impressive. He's almost as good as the experts.

The way he's flying up there, Jet Man...

No, he's rubbish. He's terrible.

I thought he said he'd done it before?

Apparently he has. He's done it about 80 times.

Just never really got any better.

I'm flying! I'm flying, look at me! Woohoo!

I'm flying! Someone doing a lot of rolling...

Wow!

That was amazing. We were flying!

Yeah, and Jet Man UK lent us his ladder.

For a small fee. For a very reasonable fee.

Which means we don't have to fly to get the clothes off the roof.

Can you be careful with that?

Of course I'll be careful with that.

Oh, sorry, did I...

Oh, my goodness, I'm so sorry! Are you OK?

If I had a nose, that would have been broken.

Now I've flown properly, I think I can forgive the seagull.

Oh!

LITTLE HOWARD LAUGHS

Look at you, the seagull did a poo on you! Oh, no! That's revolting.

BIG HOWARD LAUGHS

It's not funny. Stop it.

That seagull's just eaten my hot dog!

Here, hold these, will you?

Go get him, hot dog man!

Hot Dog Man could be like a partner to Super Sausage.

They could fight Mustard Mouse and it'd be a really good team...

-Little Howard? Little Howard?

-I'm up here, Big Howard.

-I'm flying! I'm flying!

-Let go of the balloons, Little Howard.

I'm flying a bit too high, actually.

On second thoughts, don't let go of the balloons. Hold on!

Argh! Help me! I'm flying!

# Up there

# Look at him float off without a care

# Drifting like a bin bag in the air

# He could pretty much go anywhere

# Up there.

# Fly

# All I wanted to do was to fly

# Now it seems that I'm about to die

# Falling like a rock down from the sky

# Oh, why?

# Cos falling is natural

# Flying, it is not

# Old gravity has news for me

# That cannot be forgot

# Aeroplane or helicopter When I land, I'll need a doctor

# Jet pack me direct to A&E

# Growing wings could be curse

# Unless they flew me to a nurse

# An NHS one please cos they are free

# Hovercraft or lead balloon Please take me to a doctor soon

# Fly me with a magnet to a quack

# Then when I have convalesced I'll tell you what would be the best

# Please don't even try to fly me back

# Flying is easy

# It's landing that's the worst

# I hope I'm near a hospital

# When the bubbles burst. #

BALLOONS POP

Aargh! They're popping the balloons! They're trying to kill me!

Oh, I'm going down.

They saved me! the seagulls saved me!

# Falling is natural

# Flying it is not

# Old gravity has news for me

# That cannot be forgot. #

The seagulls saved my life.

You see, they're not that bad, are they? Thank you, seagulls!

LITTLE HOWARD LAUGHS

Look at your face!

I've changed my mind. Seagulls are brilliant.

Yeah, they're great. I'm going to join the RSPB.

# That cannot be forgot. #

Hello, everyone. Sorry, I don't know where Big Howard is.

He was here a minute ago.

-Little Howard, look, I'm flying!

-How are you doing that?

I'm on wires like they use in the theatre.

Isn't that very expensive and you need an expert to set it up for you?

Yeah, but I made this myself with a belt and fishing wire.

It's just as strong... Oh!

Argh!

THUMP!

ALL: Oooh!

Stop filming! Call an ambulance!