How Did I Get Here? Little Howard's Big Question

-What are you doing?!

-I want to beat the world record

for the largest amount of breakfast cereal eaten out of a paddling pool.

-Do you know where the stopwatch is?

-And you're gonna eat all of that?!

Well, I've eaten a bowl of cereal every day for the last year.

That's 365 training bowls.

All I've got to do now is eat

-365 bowls of cereal in just under an hour.

-That is really dangerous!

You don't have to tell me. I've already fallen in twice!

-Get inside.

-But I'm hungry!

-Well, so am I!

I think I've eaten about a bowlful.

Ooh! Hang on a tick.

Did you rinse this out before you filled it up?

It kind of tastes of verruca socks.

KLAXON BLARES

I've come up with another of my BIG questions!

Can I eat a whole paddling pool full of breakfast cereal?

You really are running out of ideas, aren't you?

'Good morning. The Prime Minister has declared a state of emergency

'in Purley, due to a lack of breakfast cereal.'

KLAXON BLARES

# I love monkeys, I love monkeys!

# All those happy little chirpy little monkeys

# With their tails... and their bananas

# I think if we all were monkeys we'd have happier mananas!

# Give me monkeys Lots of monkeys

# For you know that it's the monkeys I adore

# If my love said that she did not love those monkeys

# I wouldn't love her any more! #

Thank you very much!

And this week, my favourite monkey is the bonobo!

MONKEYS BOO AND JEER

Obviously, a bonobo is not as good as you guys. You're the best.

Blimey! Touchy monkeys.

That is not a big question.

That is a flipping stupid question!

But we've got to answer it now.

I've done my big question klaxon.

-Those are the rules.

-Firstly, you have just made that rule up

and secondly, I've answered - you can't eat a paddling pool of cereal,

because it's stupid, it's dangerous and you're not allowed.

Gordon, grab that computer in there,

the one with the wig and the twin set.

You can't take them! That's where

the international Olympic adjudicators are going to sit.

-Oi!

-Unhand me, you brute!

I warn you, I do online karate.

Right, you've asked for this!

How's it doing that? It's not even plugged in.

What are you doing with my chairs?

Never mind the chairs! They're taking Mother.

-But the chairs are really useful.

-They're not your chairs, sir.

-They belong to the BBC props department.

-Do they?

-Yeah, but we're doing a TV show for the BBC.

-Are we?

Yes, you are, and your show's run out of money,

-so we're taking our stuff back.

-You can't do that!

Oh, I think you'll find I can. Look... I'm doing it now!

There's no need to be sarcastic.

What's going on?!

They're stripping our assets.

-You can't do that! This is a children's show!

->

-Is it?!

-Gordon, can't you turn that thing off?

-We've been trying to do that for years.

-Stripping your assets

means taking all your stuff.

Well, you're not snatching my klaxon.

What's this?

It's your redundancy. The show can't afford to pay you.

Vanessa, what's going on?

-Hi!

-Who's she?!

-She's the producer

of Big Howard's... Little Howard's Big Question.

The what?! A what?!

PEOPLE CHATTER

-Who are all these people?

-I'm afraid it's true, guys.

Money's missing from the budget and we've nothing left.

-Nothing at all.

-What budgie?! Why are all these people

-in our house?

-Budget! The budget is the amount of money they give you

to make a TV programme and all of ours has gone.

-I'm really sorry.

-What's going on?!

Little Howard, I've never told you this before,

-but we're on a TV show and...

-No, we're not!

-I'd have watched it if we were.

-We are. We're on CBBC.

That's why I make you watch Agatha Christie repeats

-on The Murder Channel between 4 and 6.

-Why didn't you tell me?

Well, I didn't want you to start asking awkward questions

about...about how you came to be here and why.

You always get upset when people say you're not real and... Ooh! Ooh!

They left our cut-glass crystal fizzy pop decanter.

I don't know what I'd have done if they took it. Aunt Mooty gave it...

KLAXON BLASTS

I, Little Howard, have come up with a second big question.

How did I get here?

Oh, blimey, um...

Well, when a man and a magic pencil love each other very much...

-You have to stop talking and go home.

-Thank goodness!

-But I live here!

-Yes, but when you say something,

-we have to pay you and we can't afford it.

-That's ridiculous.

-Stop! Go to your room.

-No.

-Yes. Bye-bye.

-I'm sending you to bed without any lines.

-You can't do that!

I'm just... Of course I... I'm writing a letter!

Simon!

JOHN HUMPHRYS: Call Security, please.

Hello and welcome to Little Howard's Big Question Confidential.

This week, the show answers the tricky question how did I get here?

That's really good! I think we'll use that.

Why are they filming this?

To save money, we've agreed to make a show about how we make your show.

So we're giving the secrets away.

But how can we make our show without Big Howard and Mother?

We can't afford them, not with all the money going missing.

We're just going to have to get by with a skeleton crew. See?

Little Howard, were you having a dream sequence?

Yes, I have one every week.

I'm afraid we can't afford it. That's more money gone! So now...

Andy, I'm afraid you're fired.

-Little Howard had a dream sequence. What can you do?

-Only a short one!

Sorry, Andy.

-Good luck, Andy!

-Oh, dear.

-Isn't there anything we can do about this?!

-You could talk to your agent.

-What's an agent?

-Someone who looks after people in show business.

Aren't they called psychiatrists?

-Not all of them. Your agent is called Roger.

-Is he nice?

Well, I'll give you his phone number.

Why are they filming you giving me his phone number?

It's reality TV. The duller the better, sweetie.

Little Howard, you have to dial 9 to get an outside line.

Oh, for goodness sake!

Why are you filming this?!

TELEPHONE RINGS

Hello, Roger T Pigeon's Variety Artistes.

-It's Little Howard here. Are you my agent?

-Oh, Little Howard!

Congratulations on the series. It was quite a coup getting you that.

And I know about coos. I'm a pigeon, you see!

It's just all the money's gone missing

and they've sacked Big Howard and confiscated Mother,

and we can't do the paddling pool full of breakfast cereal thing.

Well, somebody's been wasting it. You've got to look at the budget!

How do I look at the budgie? I don't even have a key to its cage.

Great one, lad! No, it's the budget, not the budgie.

We can't afford a budgie, because of the budget.

So there are two budgies?

Yes, stop it now. You can look at the budget any time,

because in the contract, I insisted on you being executive producer,

which means you're the boss of the whole show.

I mean, I only put it in for a joke, but... Hello? Hello?

Right!

OK, what's this here?

Director.

What does he do?

Excuse me. Stop colouring in, please. Hello.

Are you the director of the show?

Hi. Yeah, I am. You've got your finger...

We haven't got time for that.

Tell me what a director does to help make a TV show

and tell me also how much they pay you.

I'll tell you the first part, but first, I do think

-you should move your...

-Just answer the question!

This is very important. I'm trying to get Big Howard his job back.

OK. Well, as director,

when I get the scripts, I look at them,

then I decide how to shoot it.

-So what shots will tell the story.

-Right.

'Then I work with the cameraman to get those shots

'and kind of help get the look of the show, and I work with the sound man

'and tell him what kind of stuff we're looking for in a scene.

'And I work with the performers and I give them notes

'on how they're acting the scene.

'And when it goes into the edit, I oversee that.'

Right.

So you're quite important, then?

Who writes the scripts?

That would be the scriptwriters, who write the scripts.

I like your system.

Right, where is that big bloke who smells of eggs?

-Well, this a fine how do you do!

-How do YOU do?

-Oh!

I haven't seen you in the cupboard before.

I'm Simon, the killer death robot from space.

You may have seen me in such films as

War Of The Killer Death Robots and Revenge Of The Killer Death Robots.

You get stored here often?

-Oh, you cheeky thing!

-SHE GIGGLES

-Excuse me.

-Oh, um...

Oh, hello. Sorry, I mustn't let you see the scripts.

They're not finished yet. Still.

Are you one of the scriptwriters?

Yes, I am. Yes, I'm one of the writers, yes.

Yes, I specialise in really kind of snappy dialogue, you know?

And fast paced wisecracks.

-It's really kind of quick fire.

-Did you write the joke about

-confusing the word budget with the word budgie?

-Um...

-Yeah?

-Then I'm promoting you to head writer!

You are the boss of all the writers!

Yes! Oh! Yes! Awesome! Yes! I'm the boss of you...

You...

Bye!

I've worked on all sorts of stuff and I am really enjoying this job.

-Little Howard is fantastic, isn't he?

-Oh!

-Great kid.

-Absolutely amazing.

He's such a nice guy.

Right, what's next?

Cameraman and soundman.

That sounds like the rubbishest superhero duo in the world!

Surely we can sack them.

Where are they? I'll sack them now.

-Ahem, um, here we are.

-Hello.

Well, the thing is, it's very interesting on this show,

because the main person we're filming isn't really there.

Who's that, then?

Well, it's you.

-Why aren't I there?

-Well...

Because you're a cartoon, so you're not really real, are you?

Huh?! Don't ever say that! I AM real. Get out!

-Clean your desk out! You're fried!

-What?

That's what that man off The Apprentice says, you know.

-Alan Sugarpuff.

-Huh?

-He means you're fired.

-Oh.

And you. Sorry.

Oh, no. There's been some mix-up. You see, our budget went missing.

Poor little fella! Pop some bird seed on the windowsill.

-It'll soon come back.

-No, you misheard.

-I said budget. Budget.

-Oh, I'm always mishearing things.

A similar thing happened when my robot battalion and I tried to invade

Venus for the ninth time. Or was it the tenth?

Anyway, a few of us misheard the command and ended up invading Venice!

-Had a lovely holiday, though. Would you like to see some photos?

-Ooh!

You really can't sack people like that.

What do YOU do?

I'm the series producer, Little Howard.

Hmm. What's that, then?

-It means I organise the whole show, really.

-Oh. OK.

Look, the point is, we really, really need a cameraman and sound recordist.

Look, Martin the researcher is trying to do both jobs at once,

and it's just really not going very well.

Are you all right?

Excuse me.

Excuse me!

So you're Martin the researcher?

-Yes, I am.

-What do you do for the show?

Well, I make a lot of the props and I organise the locations.

This one, for example.

It's very nice.

Is that cabbage? Did you organise that?

Ooh! Classy!

I also gather the information and facts

-that we feature in the programme.

-Right, then, name a fact.

The tape is about to run out on your camera.

Well, that's wrong for a start...

TELEPHONE RINGS

Hello, Roger T Pigeon Variety Artistes.

-Hello, Roger...

-Little Howie! Have you found the money yet?

-No, and everyone seems too important to sack.

-Oh, dear.

-Have you gone through their bags?

-No, we can't do that,

because of something to do with getting invaded by pirates.

Do you mean invasion of privacy?

-Yes, that's what they said.

-Oh, I don't know.

It's political correctness gone mad! What you've got to do is

search the whole corporation from the very top - Phil Mitchell -

to the very bottom - Billy Mitchell. All the best.

Right.

APPLAUSE

-And your name is?

-Little Howard.

-Your occupation?

-Little Howard.

-Your chosen specialist subject?

-My chosen specialised subject is

"Who stole all the money from our TV programme's budget?"

Your chosen subject who stole all the money

from our TV programme's budget, in two minutes, starting now.

Who stole all the money from your TV programme's budget?

Oh, um... I don't know. I was hoping you could tell me.

Can we switch places?

-This is quite scary.

-Call Security, please.

Oh, he seemed like such a nice man on Are You Being Served?

You'll never catch me, Humphreys!

So where's Big Howard, then?

-He's been laid off, because we can't afford to pay him.

-Oh, that's awful!

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN Oucho says that's terrible!

SPEAKS CACTINIAN

He says he was a bit rubbish anyway.

SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Yeah, he knows what it's like being dragged down by a tiresome human.

Wait a minute!

-A load of money's gone missing from our budget.

-Huh! Da budgie?!

No, not the budgie!

-The budget. Budget!

-Oh!

-Is Big Howard all right. How's he bearing up?

-Oh, I'm sure he's fine.

HOWARD SOBS

Aww!

Oucho says, "Aww."

Yeah, I heard that one.

Do you guys know anyone in the BBC who might have broken

into our budget's cage and stolen all of our money?

OUCHO WHISPERS IN CACTINIAN

You can't say that!

What did he say?

-Hello, Mr Jonathan Ross?

-Hello, Little Howard. How can I help?

Well, a lot of money has gone missing from our programme's budget

-and someone said they thought you might have it.

-Who said that?

It was that cactus, wasn't it? Right!

I haven't got time for that cactus. I'm gonna get him, I am.

TELEPHONE RINGS

Hey! De bone!

Hello?

It's Jonathan Ross!

Hello. Do you want me to come on your chat show or something?

-Oh, right. It's for you.

-Oh...

Hellos?

OUCHO SHOUTS

Do you want me to translate? Hello, Mr Ross. Oucho says...

HE SHOUTS

Your mother was a Yucca plant. You can't say that, he might sue us.

I don't care!

No... No...

Great! He wants to see you outside. He wants to have a fight.

Oh, I don't care! Hmm!

WESTERN-STYLE MUSIC PLAYS

You watch your mouth, cactus! I'm fed up with you

bad mouthing me! This ends here and it ends now!

HE SHOUTS

-What did he say?

-He said he likes your suit and your...hair.

He didn't say that. Come here!

-Right, this way.

-No, no...

-What?! No, this way.

-No!

-No, THIS way!

Agh! Agh!

Oh, dear.

DRAMATIC VOICEOVER: 'Will Little Howard get in trouble

'for starting a fight between Jonathan Ross and Oucho the Cactus?

'Will Little Howard ever find the money? Is it possible

'to eat an entire paddling pool full of breakfast cereal in one go?'

Stop talking, please! We can't afford you this week.

'But I've already done it.'

Oh, dear. That means, to save money,

I have to do the adverts myself this week.

WONKY MUSIC PLAYS

Do you need a spoon?

Well, why not buy one from a spoon shop?

I think that one's pretty good, isn't it?

Isn't it? And now back to this week's

thrilling instalment of Little Howard's Big Question.

-Any news on the budget?

-Where is this budgie

-that everyone keeps on going on about?

-Budget. Budget.

Oh, sorry. Am I in your way?

-No, have you heard anything about the money?

-I couldn't find the money.

I looked everywhere.

That's a shame. Have you talked to everybody on the production?

-What about the editors?

-No use. They're a pop band, aren't they?

No, I think you should go and talk to the editors.

And don't worry about me. I'm tickety boo, I really am.

What a life for a killer death robot from space, eh?

-Just being a head on a shelf surrounded by tat.

-Aw!

Perhaps you'll get your own series.

Sarah Jane Smith spent 20 years in a cupboard, you know.

Oh, I don't think so. I'll just have to get used to it.

-It's not so bad now, though.

-No, it isn't, is it? Oh, Simon.

Oh, Mother. When we get out of this blessed props cupboard,

do you think you and I might hire a gondola around Venus?

-Venus?!

-Venice, Venice.

-Oh, Simon, yes. Simon, yes!

Mother, would you make me

the happiest killer death robot from space...?

Look, I can't keep calling you Mother. What is your real name?

-Mother. What's wrong with Mother?

-It's, er...

-It's better than Simon.

-It's not.

-Oh, yeah? Simon. I mean, you're supposed to be the eighth

most frightening monster in the universe and you're called Simon!

Yes, I am. And we're not eighth. We are way scarier than the Slitheen.

I mean, since when have farts been scary?

-Try living with Big Howard.

-Really! What are you...?

-No, you shut up.

-No! THEY ARGUE

-No, no. I...

-You're rubbish! Just tin foil. Just flaky tin foil!

Just the bacofoil monster from space.

So you put all the camera shots together, then, after they've been

filmed by the cameraman, who's told what to film by the director,

who works in places that are found by the researchers

and organised by the producer from scripts written by writers?

That's right. And I also put the finishing touches to the programme,

like putting on your shadow. See here. You don't have a shadow.

-Oh!

-What I have to do is make a copy of you, like this.

-Eh?

-Then I have to make you small...and turn you around.

And put you where your shadow should be, just like that.

-Oh, I see.

-Then I take out all the colours.

And then I make it all blurry.

-Ooh.

-Like this.

-And there's your shadow.

-Oh.

Why do you need to do that? Why don't I have my own shadow?

Oh. Well, erm... You're not real.

And stay out!

-But who's gonna finish editing the show?

-Well, I'll do it!

-You can't do that! It's too hard.

-It can't be that difficult.

'We're on a...'

Have you finished the showbiz number for the end of this week's show?

I think I've just finished it now.

-Congratulations.

-Thank you.

-You're fried.

Oh, I'm making a right pig's ear of this.

Martin, you've got the lens cap on?

I think he's in here.

-Hello.

-Oh, hello.

Where is the editor?

-Erm... She's in the loo.

-She's not in the loo, is she?

-She called me and told me that you'd fired her.

-The big snitch.

You can't go firing editors. They're really important.

Well, I need to fire someone. We have to get Big Howard back.

This is Alison. She deals with all the money.

I want her to talk to you.

-Hello, Little Howard.

-Hello, Alison. You're fried.

-No, Alison's got something important to tell you about the budget.

-Oh.

Well, I look after the production budget and the office budgie

and I've looked in its cage and I found this.

How much? Who's being paid that? That's loads!

That amount, Little Howard, is going to you.

What?! I only get £5 a week pocket money.

Well, it was paid to your agent months ago.

-That's where all the budget from the show has gone.

-Hmm.

-Hmm.

TELEPHONE RINGS

Beyonce, when you finish washing that, can you start on the Ferrari?

Hello. Roger T Pigeon, Variety Artistes International.

Hello, Little Howard.

What?! You've found where the money's gone? Fantastic!

They're about to be arrested? Oh, that's marvellous!

-SIRENS BLARE

-'Oh, heck.'

'Hey, get off me. No, no handcuffs, please. I haven't even got hands!

'Honestly, Little Howard, the money was just resting in my account.'

-He was a mean, mean pigeon.

-Yes, he was. What shall we do now?

A song and dance number about teamwork

and what it's like to work behind the scenes on a TV production?

-Yeah, cos that'll be interesting(!)

-What else have we learned today?

MUSIC STARTS

# Never trust a pigeon with your money or career

# If you lend him anything it's sure to disappear

# Pigeons should be viewed with suspicion, dread and fear

# Never trust a pigeon!

# Some of them are scrawny

# Some of them are fat

# I'd only trust a pigeon on the inside of a cat

# They are what you get if you stick feathers on a bat

-# Never trust a pigeon! #

-TELEPHONE RINGS

Hello? Oh...

# Sorry, all pigeons can't be that bad

# It's just a bad experience that you have had

# I know I nicked some money but let's not go mad

# There's nothing wrong with pigeons!

# Pigeons are nasty! Pigeons are sly!

# They are what you get if you stick feathers on a fly

# You ask Nelson's Column He'll reply...

-# "Never trust a pigeon." #

-TELEPHONE RINGS

Yes, hello. Oh, it's him again.

# We are just misunderstood

# In our pigeon chests, we're good

# Be you stool pigeon or wood you can trust a pigeon.

# Yes, that pigeon caused some consternation

# But who were we to hand him our damnation?

# Maybe it's because it's animation

# Never trust cartoons!

# You can't say that! That's appalling!

# There's so much that you're ignoring!

# I'm not like him just because I'm a drawing

# There's nothing wrong with cartoons!

# It's not fair, that's my point

# Don't get your beak all out of joint

# You can't judge people by what they look like

# We can't judge you by another cartoon tyke!

# Yes, OK, I think I see

# If I judge him then he can judge me

# But on one thing we can agree -

# He's a mean, mean pigeon!

-# He's a mean, mean pigeon

-He's a mean, mean pigeon

-# He's a mean, mean pigeon

-He's a mean, mean pigeon

-# He's a mean, mean pigeon

-He's a mean, mean pigeon

-# Pigeon!

-Pigeon!

-Pigeon!

-Pigeon!

-Pigeon!

-Pigeon!

-ALL: Pigeon! #

No, I'm not.

Little ladies and gentlemen, we are very privileged to be

able to introduce to you a brand new comedy double act.

Give it up for Mother and Simon, the killer death robot from space!

-AUDIENCE: Ooh!

-I say, I say, I say, I say...

I say, I say, I say, I say.

I say, I say, I say...

How many killer death robots from outer space

does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. Killer death robots from space are the pinnacle of all life forms

and can perform any household task without assistance.

Boo! Boo!

-Right, I shall eradicate you.

-Simon, don't you dare.

-But...

Who threw that?!