Can I Get Big Howard Abducted by Aliens? Little Howard's Big Question


Can I Get Big Howard Abducted by Aliens?

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Pow-pow-pow! Aah...

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Aliens! We're all doomed!

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Will you stop that?

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Ow! That hit me, that really hurt!

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I'm keeping that one, I'm having that! Thank you!

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Hee-hee-hee! Pow, pow, pow! Why do those Frisbees keep flying over?

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Well, the kids either side like to play Frisbee,

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but neither of them are allowed out, so they've been

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playing Frisbee over our garden, and it's hit me in the head five times!

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Pow, pow, pow!

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Don't play with your food.

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You're supposed to play with these,

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they're little spaceships, they're called X-Facs.

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"Abduct hunger today with these unidentified fried objects,

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"and have a close encounter of the yummy kind..."?!

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They look revolting! Who bought you these?

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You did! I told you they were high in fibre,

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and you fell for it hook, line and stinker.

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What are you doing with them?

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This one's shaped like a flying saucer,

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and I'm making it fly around my head.

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And all the people who live in my head are going, "It's an alien!

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"Oh no, get the dog in, quick!"

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And they are making it crash-land in my mouth.

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You have a very vivid and a very messy imagination, Little Howard.

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Well, I have to, cos you don't let me watch any films I want to watch.

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I'm sorry I didn't let you watch that film

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but it was past your bedtime, and it was called

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Invasion Of The Flesh-Eating Martians From Outer Space.

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It didn't sound suitable.

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It sounded brilliant.

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WHOOSH!

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If that one hits me as well, I'm having that, too!

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It's ridiculous, why don't the parents let one kid

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go round the other one's house? I think it's...

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HONK!

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I, Little Howard, have come up with yet another of my big questions!

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Can I get Big Howard abducted by aliens?

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I do wish you wouldn't...

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What?!

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This is an emergency broadcast, this is not a test.

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Dark skies are gathering over Purley.

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We are not alone.

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HONK!

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# I love monkeys, I love monkeys

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# All those happy little chirpy little monkeys

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# With their tails

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# And their bananas

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# I think that if we all were monkeys we'd have happier mananas

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# Give me monkeys, lots of monkeys

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# For you know that it's the monkeys I adore

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# If my love said that she did not love those monkeys

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# I wouldn't love her any more! #

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Thank you very much!

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Aliens! Run for your monkey lives!

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Agh!

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Little Howard, why do you want to get me abducted by aliens?

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It'll be fun.

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No, it won't! Haven't you heard what aliens do on their spaceships?

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They use mind probes and read all the thoughts in your head.

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And they do gruesome medical experiments,

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and use death rays... All sorts.

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They give you liquorice?

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No, no, they do all sorts of...

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What am I worried about? Aliens don't exist.

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It's all a load of guff balloons.

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Try telling that to my goldfish.

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We've established it's hard to tell a goldfish anything.

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Remember when we tried to teach yours to ride a bike?

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It's especially hard to tell a goldfish anything

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when it's been abducted by aliens.

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Your goldfish was not abducted by aliens, it was next door's cat.

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It looked like an alien.

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Just cos it's got a grey face and big eyes, doesn't mean it's an alien.

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Sophie Ellis-Bextor's not from another planet, is she?

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Isn't she?

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Aliens don't exist!

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Mother, bit of help here...

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They're here!

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The alien invaders, I can see them in my webcam in the garden! Look!

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Those aren't flying saucers, those are Frisbees!

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Oh. Are they alien Frisbees?

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Are they alien Frisbees, Big Howard? They might be, mightn't they?

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Three little letters, Little Howard - UFO.

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UFO. Does that mean what I think it means?

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UFO stands for unidentified flying object.

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Mother thought the Frisbees were spaceships, but they weren't,

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-they were flying objects that hadn't been identified.

-So it WAS a UFO.

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It WAS an unidentified flying object,

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but now it HAS been identified - it was a Frisbee.

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An alien...

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From Earth.

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Taiwan, to be precise.

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Most UFO sightings have perfectly ordinary explanations.

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Mother, you must have some footage of unidentified flying objects

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that have now been identified.

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Of course I do. Now,

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which of these flying objects have not been identified or explained?

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That one - there can be no other explanation, those are aliens.

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No, those are paper lanterns set off by children.

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Look, a whole fleet of alien spaceships!

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No, look again. Those are some potatoes on a coat hanger.

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Why would you put potatoes on a coat hanger?

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They might be jacket potatoes.

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See, you think they're all spaceships, but they're not.

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I haven't finished yet. What's this one?

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Wow!

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Well, that must be some sort of model of a flying saucer that's been

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cleverly edited into the footage.

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Wrong! That is definitely an alien spaceship!

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It is not!

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But it's never been identified or explained.

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That is proof the truth is out there!

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Thanks a bunch, Mother.

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So, aliens exist. So we can get you abducted by them.

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If you're so keen on them, why do I have to go?

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I'm not allowed to accept lifts from strangers,

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and it doesn't get much stranger than slimy green aliens with three heads.

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And probes.

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I've had enough of this, I'm going for a poo.

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When I get back, I don't want to hear any more nonsense

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about aliens, abductions or spaceships.

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This should do.

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-Little Howard...

-Yes, Mother?

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Big Howard is what's called a sceptic.

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-I can think of a better word.

-I can think of hundreds!

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Sceptics don't believe in aliens, but a lot of people do.

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There's a city in New Mexico, USA, called Roswell, where some people

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believe an alien spaceship crash-landed in the desert in 1947.

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Witnesses found some very strange debris scattered about.

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Of course the American government said it was a weather balloon,

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but some people think they were trying to cover it up.

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Brilliant! Let's take Big Howard to Roswell!

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Well, I'm not sure your pocket money will stretch

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to two transatlantic flights, but there's a place in Scotland

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called Bonnybridge, which has an alarming number of UFO sightings.

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But how could I get Big Howard to take me up there?

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I don't know, he'd have to be pretty stupid

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to get tricked into driving all the way to Scotland.

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Mmm...

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Dear the aliens. Hello. Please could you come and alien abduct

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my big friend Big Howard, please.

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Just take him for a spin and tell him he was wrong and I was right, ha-ha!

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If you do this for me, I will give you a packet of jammy splats

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and a Kelly Clarkson CD completely free of charge,

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so that you can enjoy the highest achievements of humankind.

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May the force be with yours sincerely, Little Howard.

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Muriel - we've just got a letter from a young lad from Earth

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who'd like us to alien abduct a friend of his.

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Do you think we could fit it in?

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Well, we've got Mr and Mrs Grainger coming round

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for a Venutian fondue tonight. You know the Graingers -

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he's one of the deadly fish people from Sirius B, and she's a whelk.

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Well, they could come along too, I think they'd enjoy it.

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Right-o, how about 8 for 8.30?

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Aliens are weird.

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Mother, how do you make a rocket?

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I thought you'd never ask!

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What you'll need is a plastic drinks bottle, a cork, a valve and a pump.

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Check, check and check.

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First, make sure the cork fits tightly in the bottle.

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Now you need to make a hole through the cork

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to put the bicycle pump valve in.

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Push the valve in through the hole.

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Attach some big fins that can act as a launch stand.

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And you can put your letter in the nose cone.

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Now, take it out into the garden.

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Fill it up a third with water, then put a cork in it.

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Well, there's no need to be rude.

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Oh, I see what you mean.

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It fits like a cork.

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Good! Now attach the pump...

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Done it.

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Place the rocket in launch position,

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which is face-up, of course,

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and away from anything fragile and breakable.

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Boring!

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Just keep pumping till the cork pops out

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and your rocket blasts into space!

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We are ready to launch, control tower, over!

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Engine ignition, over. Bicycle pump activated, copy, over.

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Prepare to lift off, over!

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10, 9, 8...

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Oh, bum! Over.

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Wow! Look how high it went!

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Cor blimey, I hope the FBI never have to investigate our toilet.

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-What are you up to, Little Howard?

-Nothing.

-Hmmm...

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Agh! That hit me in the face, you little swine!

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Agh!

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-Oh, dear.

-Ow!

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Where did that come from?

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Erm, space?

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It's got a note in it.

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It's probably from the aliens.

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Let me see it, I have a smattering of Martian.

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No, it's in English.

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"Dear the aliens..."

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It's probably an alien writing to another alien,

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you really shouldn't read it, it's private.

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I've had enough of this.

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get your coat, we'll sort this out once and for all.

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Where are we going?

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-We're going to space!

-What?

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Well, it's like space, it's Oxfordshire.

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You keep going on about men from the stars,

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-I'm gonna take you to them.

-Blimey!

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Wow! Is there a great big rocket ship in there

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-that's gonna take us into space?

-Nope.

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Then how are we gonna visit the stars?

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Ha-ha-ha-HAH!

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Come on.

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Little Howard, this is Jo.

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Hi, nice to meet you, welcome to Culham.

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Are you gonna take us to the stars?

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In a manner of speaking, yes.

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Is that in a "this isn't true" manner of speaking?

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Well, I'm bringing the stars to you rather than taking you to the stars.

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When you say stars, do you mean stars,

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or do you mean someone who was voted off X-Factor

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just after the audition round?

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Cos they're not the same.

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Well, it will all be made clear.

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Please don't go in there!

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-What's that?

-That's the big machine where we make stars.

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It's called MAST - Mega Amp Spherical Tokamak.

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Please don't touch that!

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This here in red

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are the big magnets we use to hold the gas inside the machine in place.

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But what's it all for?

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Well, Little Howard, we're trying to create nuclear fusion,

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which is when two hydrogen atoms stick together - fuse together,

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and give off energy. So hopefully, we'll be able to put a machine

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just like this one inside a power station

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and produce electricity from this energy being released from fusion.

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And that's what our star looks like.

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-How hot does it get in there, then?

-15 to 20 million degrees centigrade.

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The middle of our sun, the closest star to us, is 15 million degrees.

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Wow! Is that even hotter than the middle of an apple pie?

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I'm afraid so, Little Howard!

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But we have something even hotter next door. Do you wanna take a look?

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It says here in my Nuclear Power For The Under-10s book,

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that this is JET, the Joint European Torus,

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it is 200 million degrees centigrade inside - 10 times hotter than the sun

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and which I think is nearly as hot as the inside of an apple pie.

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What is it with you and apple pies today?

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Wow! Look at it, it's all shiny and beautiful!

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I know, amazing, isn't it?

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Especially if you think that every 20 minutes or so,

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JET becomes one of the hottest places in the solar system.

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In fact, there's a countdown starting now. Nine...

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SIREN WAILS

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-Agh!

-Aggh!

-..Eight...

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Quick! We all need to cover ourselves in pastry!

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-Six...

-Shut up about apple pies! we're about to be fried!

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Ten times hotter than the sun! Agh!

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..Five, four, three, two, one!

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Will our heroes escape from the massive microwave in time?

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I really don't know, I'm as worried as you are.

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Find out with me after this silly message.

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Hey, you, the Roswell alien, stop panicking! Don't you know

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that if your spacecraft has crash-landed in the desert,

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Roswell Flying Saucer Insurance can save you

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lots of whatever sort of alien money you use.

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We'll even help arrange the government cover-up, and make sure

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the only witnesses to the incident are profoundly unreliable.

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-IN SOUTHERN DRAWL:

-I gone done got me some genuine footage

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of the existence of them there aliens!

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So, just intercept the signal to our head office today,

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and never risk being photographed by hillbillies ever again.

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BEEPING

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-Ahh! I'm too young to be a sausage roll!

-Oh!

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No! I'm sorry for all the bad things I did!

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Oh, I'm not a sausage roll.

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I did say this was just a model, for training purposes.

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-But there isn't any water, and there aren't any fish to feed them.

-What?

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No, no, training purposes, not...porpoises.

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That's a shame. I like porpoises.

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He's just talking gibberish now.

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So if there aren't any porpoises, are there dolphins?

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Shut up, Little Howard. Thank you very much for all your help.

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Thank you, nice to see you. Bye!

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-Don't touch that.

-Sorry.

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Wow! That was amazing.

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Actually, I've got a friend who lives near here.

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Can we pop in and tell him about it?

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OK, so long as we've heard the last of this alien abduction nonsense.

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-Oh, I've forgotten all about that.

-Good.

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Where does he live, then?

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-It's just up here.

-Just along here?

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Oh, it's just around the corner.

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It's just along the road and up the next one.

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It's just over the brow of this hill, I'm sure.

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Scotland! We're in Scotland!

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Em, that's the name of the village he lives in.

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It's a very big sign for a village.

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Well, they must be very proud of it.

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Hmm, sounds plausible.

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This is Bonnybridge.

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Bonnybridge is in Scotland!

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I read a magazine article about this.

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This is where they've had all those UFO sightings.

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Is it? Oh, that's a stroke of luck.

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And this is where your friend lives, is it?

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Yes, right here.

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Well, where is he, then?

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Oh. I've just remembered, he's invisible.

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Oh, OK, right... What?!

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Never mind, we might as well get out and stretch our legs.

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I'll stretch more than your legs in a minute.

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And we could go and have a chat with Councillor Billy Buchanan.

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How do you know the name of the local councillor?

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Em, I don't. It was just a guess.

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It's not like I've been planning this all day or anything.

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I don't believe this, you tricked me.

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I don't know what you're talking about,

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but maybe we should get a move on, because he might expect me

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-in about half an hour.

-Do what you like.

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I'm not stepping out of this car.

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You could wait here and keep an eye out for aliens.

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I'll do no such thing. I've actually got some important paperwork to do.

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OK, I'll see you in a bit.

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Bye.

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Hee-hee-hee-hee!

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Ooh! Lovely hair.

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Hello, Councillor Billy Buchanan. Nice name.

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How many people in Bonnybridge have seen an alien spaceship?

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What is an alien? I mean, Little Howard, you could be an alien.

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I mean, I don't know. This is the first time I've never met you.

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How do I know that you're no' an alien

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and how do you know that I'm no' an alien?

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I'm not an alien.

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I'm not sure about you.

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Well, Little Howard. You asked me the question,

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how we get Bigger Howard abducted.

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This is Rough Castle. This is called the flight path.

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This is the area where most of the sightings take place.

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Probably 80 or 90%. You can see Bonnybridge there

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and you can see nearly the rest of Scotland,

0:17:250:17:28

Stirling going right over to the Forth Road Bridge.

0:17:280:17:31

And if there is any place that Big Howard will be abducted,

0:17:310:17:34

it will be here.

0:17:340:17:36

Ark, ark, ark, ark...

0:17:360:17:38

ARK! ARK! ARK!

0:17:380:17:40

Ark...ark...ark... Ark...

0:17:400:17:44

-Hello, Big Howard.

-Hello, Little Howard! Hi! How are you?

0:17:440:17:49

Did you get bored?

0:17:490:17:50

Erm, no. I'm just doing some work for this week's theatre show.

0:17:500:17:55

Is this week's show about making origami cranes

0:17:550:17:57

out of an old magazine?

0:17:570:18:00

Might be.

0:18:000:18:02

Well, I hope now you've finished with all this

0:18:020:18:05

alien abduction tomfoolery.

0:18:050:18:07

Yeah, I'm bored with it now.

0:18:070:18:09

Alien abductions are so 15 minutes ago.

0:18:090:18:12

Cos if you try any more tricks like that, I'll see it coming a mile off.

0:18:120:18:15

-I know. And there's no way you'd be so stupid twice in one day.

-No way.

0:18:150:18:19

I still don't understand how

0:18:190:18:21

all this camping equipment got to be in the car.

0:18:210:18:24

Well, it probably just fell in overnight.

0:18:240:18:26

Fell in? The car was locked.

0:18:260:18:29

Oh. Well, I definitely didn't put it in there to trick you into

0:18:290:18:33

going camping with me on a hill that is renowned for UFO sightings.

0:18:330:18:37

I wasn't suggesting that for a moment, Little Howard.

0:18:370:18:40

This looks like a pretty good place to put up a tent.

0:18:400:18:42

I think just at the top of this hill.

0:18:420:18:45

Wait for me!

0:18:510:18:52

There we go. Nothing to it.

0:19:010:19:02

I thought you said it wouldn't take a jiffy.

0:19:020:19:04

Well, it didn't.

0:19:040:19:06

No, it took two hours. That's the biggest jiffy I've ever seen.

0:19:060:19:10

Well, shall we take it down now so you can have a go?

0:19:100:19:13

No. You won't be here much longer.

0:19:130:19:16

What do you mean?

0:19:160:19:18

Em, I mean, you will probably nod off.

0:19:180:19:21

You must be very tired.

0:19:210:19:23

I must admit, I am sleepy after the long drive

0:19:230:19:25

and putting the tent up.

0:19:250:19:26

And all that hard work you did in the car.

0:19:260:19:28

Yeah. Origami cranes don't put themselves up.

0:19:280:19:31

Tell me about it. I had to make 8,000 of those

0:19:310:19:35

for SMart's origami ornithology special.

0:19:350:19:37

Kirsten O'Brien off of SMart! What on earth are you doing here?

0:19:370:19:41

Well, Little Howard invited me up to help get you abduct...

0:19:410:19:44

LITTLE HOWARD COUGHS

0:19:440:19:45

You all right, Little Howard?

0:19:460:19:48

I mean, I popped up to do some UFO spotting. That's it, yeah.

0:19:480:19:54

Oh, is this a good place to spot UFOs? I had no idea.

0:19:540:19:57

What a coincidence.

0:19:570:20:00

Just putting up a tent. No idea.

0:20:010:20:03

I mean, there must be some other life out there.

0:20:050:20:10

There are millions of planets and stars in the universe.

0:20:100:20:13

And they found water on Europa.

0:20:130:20:15

That's one of Jupiter's moons. And on Mars.

0:20:150:20:18

And there's a planet that orbits a star called Gliese 518.

0:20:180:20:23

Nice name.

0:20:230:20:25

Apparently, it's got similar geology to Earth.

0:20:250:20:28

Scientists say it's in the Goldilocks zone.

0:20:280:20:31

That means it's not too hot, not too cold, it's just right.

0:20:310:20:36

-Scientists are big babies, aren't they?

-Yeah!

0:20:360:20:39

You know what a lot about aliens, Kirsten O'Brien.

0:20:390:20:42

Well, you asked me to do all the research into it.

0:20:420:20:45

You know, cos of...

0:20:450:20:47

LITTLE HOWARD COUGHS

0:20:470:20:48

Do you want some cough medicine for your throat? It sounds really bad.

0:20:480:20:52

Unbelievable.

0:20:520:20:53

Big Howard, you know they've taken "gullible" out of the dictionary?

0:20:530:20:57

What does gullible mean?

0:20:570:20:58

Well, we'll never know now. That's terrible.

0:20:580:21:01

Well, we better get some shut-eye. We've got a long night's work ahead.

0:21:050:21:08

LITTLE HOWARD COUGHS

0:21:080:21:09

I mean, a long drive home tomorrow.

0:21:090:21:11

But it's only half five!

0:21:110:21:14

-No, Curtain's right.

-Kirsten!

0:21:140:21:17

-Bless you. We've got to get some sleep. Night night.

-Goodnight.

0:21:170:21:21

I can't sleep now. I'm wide awake.

0:21:210:21:24

I've got a million thoughts going through...

0:21:240:21:26

HE SNORES

0:21:260:21:32

There we go. That should do the trick.

0:22:420:22:45

Yes, thank you very much for your help, Kirsten O'Brien off of SMart.

0:22:450:22:49

Just call me Kirsten O'Brien Off-Of.

0:22:490:22:51

I will. You want to stay and see if the aliens come and get him?

0:22:510:22:55

No, I've got to go to Dorset now

0:22:550:22:56

and paint some pants on the Cerne Abbas giant.

0:22:560:22:59

Good luck with it, though. See you.

0:22:590:23:01

Oh, Fern Britton... Oh!

0:23:090:23:12

Did you sleep well, Big Howard?

0:23:120:23:14

Oh, yes I did, thanks.

0:23:140:23:17

I had a really weird dream that you and Kirsten O'Brien off of SMart

0:23:170:23:22

were pegging me out in a field with tent pegs. Huh!

0:23:220:23:24

Where do you get these crazy ideas from?

0:23:240:23:28

Yeah, I'm mad, aren't I?

0:23:280:23:30

Wait a minute. Why am I pegged out in a field?

0:23:310:23:33

It was probably fieldmice.

0:23:330:23:35

You're not trying to get me abducted by aliens, are you?

0:23:360:23:39

Oh no.

0:23:390:23:41

Erm, oh, what's that over there?

0:23:410:23:44

I think it's a pinball machine. I'll be back in a bit.

0:23:440:23:47

Oh, you and your pinball machines, I don't know...

0:23:470:23:52

Pinball machine, out here?!

0:23:520:23:54

Ow!

0:24:040:24:05

# Is there anybody out there?

0:24:050:24:08

# If there is, could you please come and take Big Howard

0:24:080:24:11

# Cos he's never really been to space

0:24:110:24:14

# He is big but he's easily overpowered

0:24:140:24:17

# If there's anybody out there

0:24:170:24:20

# I'd be grateful if you stayed out there at home

0:24:200:24:23

# I don't want to go on holiday

0:24:230:24:25

# I'd be happy with a fortnight out in Rome

0:24:250:24:28

# If there's anybody out there

0:24:280:24:31

# Could you please come here and take my friend

0:24:310:24:34

# Show him all of the universe

0:24:340:24:37

# Buy him dinner at the restaurant at the end

0:24:370:24:40

# If there's anybody out there

0:24:400:24:42

# I'd like to tell you that I'm happy where I am

0:24:420:24:46

# And you wouldn't really like me much

0:24:460:24:48

# I'm a rotter, I'd be better off in Rotterdam

0:24:480:24:51

# Ah, ahhh...

0:24:530:24:57

# Ah, ahhh...

0:24:590:25:03

# If there's anybody out there

0:25:030:25:06

# Take him to your leader just for me

0:25:060:25:09

# Cos he's never really been to space

0:25:090:25:11

# And he doesn't let me watch enough TV

0:25:110:25:14

# If there's anybody out there

0:25:140:25:17

# I'd be grateful if you stayed right where you are

0:25:170:25:20

# Cos I get a little travel sick

0:25:200:25:23

# I'll be very sick if I travel that far

0:25:230:25:26

# If there's anybody out there

0:25:260:25:29

# Show him all the stars and a black hole

0:25:290:25:32

# Cos he's never really been to space

0:25:320:25:35

# And he always hogs the remote control... #

0:25:350:25:38

What?! Is that what all this is about?

0:25:390:25:41

I wouldn't let you watch that film last night?

0:25:410:25:44

Well, yes. It looked brilliant, and it had aliens in it.

0:25:440:25:47

I recorded it. I forgot to tell you. You can watch it when we get home.

0:25:470:25:50

Oh. Um...

0:25:500:25:53

BOTH: # If there's anybody out there

0:25:540:25:58

# We are very sorry to have bothered you

0:25:580:26:01

# Carry on invading stars

0:26:010:26:03

# Going shopping or whatever it is you do

0:26:030:26:07

# If there's anybody out there

0:26:070:26:09

# Please ignore all the things that we just said

0:26:090:26:13

# Carry on assimilating Mars

0:26:130:26:15

# Tumble drying or perhaps just stay in bed

0:26:150:26:20

# Stay...in...

0:26:200:26:27

# Bed. #

0:26:270:26:31

It sounds like Mother's still up.

0:26:350:26:37

Hang on, what's she watching?

0:26:370:26:39

-TV:

-'Don't worry, Daphne. The flesh-eating monsters from Mars

0:26:390:26:43

'won't bother us here in Woking. Especially not in Lovers' Lane.'

0:26:430:26:46

(She's watching that film I recorded for you.

0:26:460:26:49

(Why are we whispering?)

0:26:490:26:51

This gives me an idea.

0:26:530:26:54

'Come here and give me a stout kiss, you silly, silly Daphne.

0:26:570:27:02

'I'll do better than that, Bernard. I'll eat your flesh!'

0:27:020:27:07

Well, this is a fine how-do-you-do.

0:27:070:27:10

No!

0:27:100:27:11

Resistance is stupid, puny Earth computer.

0:27:110:27:15

We are invaders from the Planet...

0:27:150:27:17

Um... Rubber Glovelier.

0:27:170:27:21

You must swear allegiance to our flippin' enormous battle fleet,

0:27:210:27:27

which is poised outside Earth's atmosphere and ready to rain down...

0:27:270:27:32

-um, origami cranes upon your puny planet.

-Steady on!

0:27:320:27:37

I surrender.

0:27:370:27:38

I swear allegiance to you, oh great conquerors.

0:27:380:27:41

I hereby denounce all the human people on Earth.

0:27:410:27:45

Except George Michael, and that nice man on Strictly.

0:27:450:27:49

What's his name?

0:27:490:27:50

Was he the rugby player?

0:27:500:27:53

Wait a minute. How do you know about Strictly Come Dancing?

0:27:530:27:57

Because...it's us!

0:27:570:28:00

THEY LAUGH

0:28:000:28:02

Oh, you, you cheeky pair of...whats-his-names.

0:28:020:28:07

E-mail [email protected]

0:28:070:28:09

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