Can I Get Big Howard Abducted by Aliens? Little Howard's Big Question

Pow-pow-pow! Aah...

Aliens! We're all doomed!

Will you stop that?

Ow! That hit me, that really hurt!

I'm keeping that one, I'm having that! Thank you!

Hee-hee-hee! Pow, pow, pow! Why do those Frisbees keep flying over?

Well, the kids either side like to play Frisbee,

but neither of them are allowed out, so they've been

playing Frisbee over our garden, and it's hit me in the head five times!

Pow, pow, pow!

Don't play with your food.

You're supposed to play with these,

they're little spaceships, they're called X-Facs.

"Abduct hunger today with these unidentified fried objects,

"and have a close encounter of the yummy kind..."?!

They look revolting! Who bought you these?

You did! I told you they were high in fibre,

and you fell for it hook, line and stinker.

What are you doing with them?

This one's shaped like a flying saucer,

and I'm making it fly around my head.

And all the people who live in my head are going, "It's an alien!

"Oh no, get the dog in, quick!"

And they are making it crash-land in my mouth.

You have a very vivid and a very messy imagination, Little Howard.

Well, I have to, cos you don't let me watch any films I want to watch.

I'm sorry I didn't let you watch that film

but it was past your bedtime, and it was called

Invasion Of The Flesh-Eating Martians From Outer Space.

It didn't sound suitable.

It sounded brilliant.

WHOOSH!

If that one hits me as well, I'm having that, too!

It's ridiculous, why don't the parents let one kid

go round the other one's house? I think it's...

HONK!

I, Little Howard, have come up with yet another of my big questions!

Can I get Big Howard abducted by aliens?

I do wish you wouldn't...

What?!

This is an emergency broadcast, this is not a test.

Dark skies are gathering over Purley.

We are not alone.

HONK!

# I love monkeys, I love monkeys

# All those happy little chirpy little monkeys

# With their tails

# And their bananas

# I think that if we all were monkeys we'd have happier mananas

# Give me monkeys, lots of monkeys

# For you know that it's the monkeys I adore

# If my love said that she did not love those monkeys

# I wouldn't love her any more! #

Thank you very much!

Aliens! Run for your monkey lives!

Agh!

Little Howard, why do you want to get me abducted by aliens?

It'll be fun.

No, it won't! Haven't you heard what aliens do on their spaceships?

They use mind probes and read all the thoughts in your head.

And they do gruesome medical experiments,

and use death rays... All sorts.

They give you liquorice?

No, no, they do all sorts of...

What am I worried about? Aliens don't exist.

It's all a load of guff balloons.

Try telling that to my goldfish.

We've established it's hard to tell a goldfish anything.

Remember when we tried to teach yours to ride a bike?

It's especially hard to tell a goldfish anything

when it's been abducted by aliens.

Your goldfish was not abducted by aliens, it was next door's cat.

It looked like an alien.

Just cos it's got a grey face and big eyes, doesn't mean it's an alien.

Sophie Ellis-Bextor's not from another planet, is she?

Isn't she?

Aliens don't exist!

Mother, bit of help here...

They're here!

The alien invaders, I can see them in my webcam in the garden! Look!

Those aren't flying saucers, those are Frisbees!

Oh. Are they alien Frisbees?

Are they alien Frisbees, Big Howard? They might be, mightn't they?

Three little letters, Little Howard - UFO.

UFO. Does that mean what I think it means?

UFO stands for unidentified flying object.

Mother thought the Frisbees were spaceships, but they weren't,

-they were flying objects that hadn't been identified.

-So it WAS a UFO.

It WAS an unidentified flying object,

but now it HAS been identified - it was a Frisbee.

An alien...

From Earth.

Taiwan, to be precise.

Most UFO sightings have perfectly ordinary explanations.

Mother, you must have some footage of unidentified flying objects

that have now been identified.

Of course I do. Now,

which of these flying objects have not been identified or explained?

That one - there can be no other explanation, those are aliens.

No, those are paper lanterns set off by children.

Look, a whole fleet of alien spaceships!

No, look again. Those are some potatoes on a coat hanger.

Why would you put potatoes on a coat hanger?

They might be jacket potatoes.

See, you think they're all spaceships, but they're not.

I haven't finished yet. What's this one?

Wow!

Well, that must be some sort of model of a flying saucer that's been

cleverly edited into the footage.

Wrong! That is definitely an alien spaceship!

It is not!

But it's never been identified or explained.

That is proof the truth is out there!

Thanks a bunch, Mother.

So, aliens exist. So we can get you abducted by them.

If you're so keen on them, why do I have to go?

I'm not allowed to accept lifts from strangers,

and it doesn't get much stranger than slimy green aliens with three heads.

And probes.

I've had enough of this, I'm going for a poo.

When I get back, I don't want to hear any more nonsense

about aliens, abductions or spaceships.

This should do.

-Little Howard...

-Yes, Mother?

Big Howard is what's called a sceptic.

-I can think of a better word.

-I can think of hundreds!

Sceptics don't believe in aliens, but a lot of people do.

There's a city in New Mexico, USA, called Roswell, where some people

believe an alien spaceship crash-landed in the desert in 1947.

Witnesses found some very strange debris scattered about.

Of course the American government said it was a weather balloon,

but some people think they were trying to cover it up.

Brilliant! Let's take Big Howard to Roswell!

Well, I'm not sure your pocket money will stretch

to two transatlantic flights, but there's a place in Scotland

called Bonnybridge, which has an alarming number of UFO sightings.

But how could I get Big Howard to take me up there?

I don't know, he'd have to be pretty stupid

to get tricked into driving all the way to Scotland.

Mmm...

Dear the aliens. Hello. Please could you come and alien abduct

my big friend Big Howard, please.

Just take him for a spin and tell him he was wrong and I was right, ha-ha!

If you do this for me, I will give you a packet of jammy splats

and a Kelly Clarkson CD completely free of charge,

so that you can enjoy the highest achievements of humankind.

May the force be with yours sincerely, Little Howard.

Muriel - we've just got a letter from a young lad from Earth

who'd like us to alien abduct a friend of his.

Do you think we could fit it in?

Well, we've got Mr and Mrs Grainger coming round

for a Venutian fondue tonight. You know the Graingers -

he's one of the deadly fish people from Sirius B, and she's a whelk.

Well, they could come along too, I think they'd enjoy it.

Right-o, how about 8 for 8.30?

Aliens are weird.

Mother, how do you make a rocket?

I thought you'd never ask!

What you'll need is a plastic drinks bottle, a cork, a valve and a pump.

Check, check and check.

First, make sure the cork fits tightly in the bottle.

Now you need to make a hole through the cork

to put the bicycle pump valve in.

Push the valve in through the hole.

Attach some big fins that can act as a launch stand.

And you can put your letter in the nose cone.

Now, take it out into the garden.

Fill it up a third with water, then put a cork in it.

Well, there's no need to be rude.

Oh, I see what you mean.

It fits like a cork.

Good! Now attach the pump...

Done it.

Place the rocket in launch position,

which is face-up, of course,

and away from anything fragile and breakable.

Boring!

Just keep pumping till the cork pops out

and your rocket blasts into space!

We are ready to launch, control tower, over!

Engine ignition, over. Bicycle pump activated, copy, over.

Prepare to lift off, over!

10, 9, 8...

Oh, bum! Over.

Wow! Look how high it went!

Cor blimey, I hope the FBI never have to investigate our toilet.

-What are you up to, Little Howard?

-Nothing.

-Hmmm...

Agh! That hit me in the face, you little swine!

Agh!

-Oh, dear.

-Ow!

Where did that come from?

Erm, space?

It's got a note in it.

It's probably from the aliens.

Let me see it, I have a smattering of Martian.

No, it's in English.

"Dear the aliens..."

It's probably an alien writing to another alien,

you really shouldn't read it, it's private.

I've had enough of this.

get your coat, we'll sort this out once and for all.

Where are we going?

-We're going to space!

-What?

Well, it's like space, it's Oxfordshire.

You keep going on about men from the stars,

-I'm gonna take you to them.

-Blimey!

Wow! Is there a great big rocket ship in there

-that's gonna take us into space?

-Nope.

Then how are we gonna visit the stars?

Ha-ha-ha-HAH!

Come on.

Little Howard, this is Jo.

Hi, nice to meet you, welcome to Culham.

Are you gonna take us to the stars?

In a manner of speaking, yes.

Is that in a "this isn't true" manner of speaking?

Well, I'm bringing the stars to you rather than taking you to the stars.

When you say stars, do you mean stars,

or do you mean someone who was voted off X-Factor

just after the audition round?

Cos they're not the same.

Well, it will all be made clear.

Please don't go in there!

-What's that?

-That's the big machine where we make stars.

It's called MAST - Mega Amp Spherical Tokamak.

Please don't touch that!

This here in red

are the big magnets we use to hold the gas inside the machine in place.

But what's it all for?

Well, Little Howard, we're trying to create nuclear fusion,

which is when two hydrogen atoms stick together - fuse together,

and give off energy. So hopefully, we'll be able to put a machine

just like this one inside a power station

and produce electricity from this energy being released from fusion.

And that's what our star looks like.

-How hot does it get in there, then?

-15 to 20 million degrees centigrade.

The middle of our sun, the closest star to us, is 15 million degrees.

Wow! Is that even hotter than the middle of an apple pie?

I'm afraid so, Little Howard!

But we have something even hotter next door. Do you wanna take a look?

It says here in my Nuclear Power For The Under-10s book,

that this is JET, the Joint European Torus,

it is 200 million degrees centigrade inside - 10 times hotter than the sun

and which I think is nearly as hot as the inside of an apple pie.

What is it with you and apple pies today?

Wow! Look at it, it's all shiny and beautiful!

I know, amazing, isn't it?

Especially if you think that every 20 minutes or so,

JET becomes one of the hottest places in the solar system.

In fact, there's a countdown starting now. Nine...

SIREN WAILS

-Agh!

-Aggh!

-..Eight...

Quick! We all need to cover ourselves in pastry!

-Six...

-Shut up about apple pies! we're about to be fried!

Ten times hotter than the sun! Agh!

..Five, four, three, two, one!

Will our heroes escape from the massive microwave in time?

I really don't know, I'm as worried as you are.

Find out with me after this silly message.

Hey, you, the Roswell alien, stop panicking! Don't you know

that if your spacecraft has crash-landed in the desert,

Roswell Flying Saucer Insurance can save you

lots of whatever sort of alien money you use.

We'll even help arrange the government cover-up, and make sure

the only witnesses to the incident are profoundly unreliable.

-IN SOUTHERN DRAWL:

-I gone done got me some genuine footage

of the existence of them there aliens!

So, just intercept the signal to our head office today,

and never risk being photographed by hillbillies ever again.

BEEPING

-Ahh! I'm too young to be a sausage roll!

-Oh!

No! I'm sorry for all the bad things I did!

Oh, I'm not a sausage roll.

I did say this was just a model, for training purposes.

-But there isn't any water, and there aren't any fish to feed them.

-What?

No, no, training purposes, not...porpoises.

That's a shame. I like porpoises.

He's just talking gibberish now.

So if there aren't any porpoises, are there dolphins?

Shut up, Little Howard. Thank you very much for all your help.

Thank you, nice to see you. Bye!

-Don't touch that.

-Sorry.

Wow! That was amazing.

Actually, I've got a friend who lives near here.

Can we pop in and tell him about it?

OK, so long as we've heard the last of this alien abduction nonsense.

-Oh, I've forgotten all about that.

-Good.

Where does he live, then?

-It's just up here.

-Just along here?

Oh, it's just around the corner.

It's just along the road and up the next one.

It's just over the brow of this hill, I'm sure.

Scotland! We're in Scotland!

Em, that's the name of the village he lives in.

It's a very big sign for a village.

Well, they must be very proud of it.

Hmm, sounds plausible.

This is Bonnybridge.

Bonnybridge is in Scotland!

I read a magazine article about this.

This is where they've had all those UFO sightings.

Is it? Oh, that's a stroke of luck.

And this is where your friend lives, is it?

Yes, right here.

Well, where is he, then?

Oh. I've just remembered, he's invisible.

Oh, OK, right... What?!

Never mind, we might as well get out and stretch our legs.

I'll stretch more than your legs in a minute.

And we could go and have a chat with Councillor Billy Buchanan.

How do you know the name of the local councillor?

Em, I don't. It was just a guess.

It's not like I've been planning this all day or anything.

I don't believe this, you tricked me.

I don't know what you're talking about,

but maybe we should get a move on, because he might expect me

-in about half an hour.

-Do what you like.

I'm not stepping out of this car.

You could wait here and keep an eye out for aliens.

I'll do no such thing. I've actually got some important paperwork to do.

OK, I'll see you in a bit.

Bye.

Hee-hee-hee-hee!

Ooh! Lovely hair.

Hello, Councillor Billy Buchanan. Nice name.

How many people in Bonnybridge have seen an alien spaceship?

What is an alien? I mean, Little Howard, you could be an alien.

I mean, I don't know. This is the first time I've never met you.

How do I know that you're no' an alien

and how do you know that I'm no' an alien?

I'm not an alien.

I'm not sure about you.

Well, Little Howard. You asked me the question,

how we get Bigger Howard abducted.

This is Rough Castle. This is called the flight path.

This is the area where most of the sightings take place.

Probably 80 or 90%. You can see Bonnybridge there

and you can see nearly the rest of Scotland,

Stirling going right over to the Forth Road Bridge.

And if there is any place that Big Howard will be abducted,

it will be here.

Ark, ark, ark, ark...

ARK! ARK! ARK!

Ark...ark...ark... Ark...

-Hello, Big Howard.

-Hello, Little Howard! Hi! How are you?

Did you get bored?

Erm, no. I'm just doing some work for this week's theatre show.

Is this week's show about making origami cranes

out of an old magazine?

Might be.

Well, I hope now you've finished with all this

alien abduction tomfoolery.

Yeah, I'm bored with it now.

Alien abductions are so 15 minutes ago.

Cos if you try any more tricks like that, I'll see it coming a mile off.

-I know. And there's no way you'd be so stupid twice in one day.

-No way.

I still don't understand how

all this camping equipment got to be in the car.

Well, it probably just fell in overnight.

Fell in? The car was locked.

Oh. Well, I definitely didn't put it in there to trick you into

going camping with me on a hill that is renowned for UFO sightings.

I wasn't suggesting that for a moment, Little Howard.

This looks like a pretty good place to put up a tent.

I think just at the top of this hill.

Wait for me!

There we go. Nothing to it.

I thought you said it wouldn't take a jiffy.

Well, it didn't.

No, it took two hours. That's the biggest jiffy I've ever seen.

Well, shall we take it down now so you can have a go?

No. You won't be here much longer.

What do you mean?

Em, I mean, you will probably nod off.

You must be very tired.

I must admit, I am sleepy after the long drive

and putting the tent up.

And all that hard work you did in the car.

Yeah. Origami cranes don't put themselves up.

Tell me about it. I had to make 8,000 of those

for SMart's origami ornithology special.

Kirsten O'Brien off of SMart! What on earth are you doing here?

Well, Little Howard invited me up to help get you abduct...

LITTLE HOWARD COUGHS

You all right, Little Howard?

I mean, I popped up to do some UFO spotting. That's it, yeah.

Oh, is this a good place to spot UFOs? I had no idea.

What a coincidence.

Just putting up a tent. No idea.

I mean, there must be some other life out there.

There are millions of planets and stars in the universe.

And they found water on Europa.

That's one of Jupiter's moons. And on Mars.

And there's a planet that orbits a star called Gliese 518.

Nice name.

Apparently, it's got similar geology to Earth.

Scientists say it's in the Goldilocks zone.

That means it's not too hot, not too cold, it's just right.

-Scientists are big babies, aren't they?

-Yeah!

You know what a lot about aliens, Kirsten O'Brien.

Well, you asked me to do all the research into it.

You know, cos of...

LITTLE HOWARD COUGHS

Do you want some cough medicine for your throat? It sounds really bad.

Unbelievable.

Big Howard, you know they've taken "gullible" out of the dictionary?

What does gullible mean?

Well, we'll never know now. That's terrible.

Well, we better get some shut-eye. We've got a long night's work ahead.

LITTLE HOWARD COUGHS

I mean, a long drive home tomorrow.

But it's only half five!

-No, Curtain's right.

-Kirsten!

-Bless you. We've got to get some sleep. Night night.

-Goodnight.

I can't sleep now. I'm wide awake.

I've got a million thoughts going through...

HE SNORES

There we go. That should do the trick.

Yes, thank you very much for your help, Kirsten O'Brien off of SMart.

Just call me Kirsten O'Brien Off-Of.

I will. You want to stay and see if the aliens come and get him?

No, I've got to go to Dorset now

and paint some pants on the Cerne Abbas giant.

Good luck with it, though. See you.

Oh, Fern Britton... Oh!

Did you sleep well, Big Howard?

Oh, yes I did, thanks.

I had a really weird dream that you and Kirsten O'Brien off of SMart

were pegging me out in a field with tent pegs. Huh!

Where do you get these crazy ideas from?

Yeah, I'm mad, aren't I?

Wait a minute. Why am I pegged out in a field?

It was probably fieldmice.

You're not trying to get me abducted by aliens, are you?

Oh no.

Erm, oh, what's that over there?

I think it's a pinball machine. I'll be back in a bit.

Oh, you and your pinball machines, I don't know...

Pinball machine, out here?!

Ow!

# Is there anybody out there?

# If there is, could you please come and take Big Howard

# Cos he's never really been to space

# He is big but he's easily overpowered

# If there's anybody out there

# I'd be grateful if you stayed out there at home

# I don't want to go on holiday

# I'd be happy with a fortnight out in Rome

# If there's anybody out there

# Could you please come here and take my friend

# Show him all of the universe

# Buy him dinner at the restaurant at the end

# If there's anybody out there

# I'd like to tell you that I'm happy where I am

# And you wouldn't really like me much

# I'm a rotter, I'd be better off in Rotterdam

# Ah, ahhh...

# Ah, ahhh...

# If there's anybody out there

# Take him to your leader just for me

# Cos he's never really been to space

# And he doesn't let me watch enough TV

# If there's anybody out there

# I'd be grateful if you stayed right where you are

# Cos I get a little travel sick

# I'll be very sick if I travel that far

# If there's anybody out there

# Show him all the stars and a black hole

# Cos he's never really been to space

# And he always hogs the remote control... #

What?! Is that what all this is about?

I wouldn't let you watch that film last night?

Well, yes. It looked brilliant, and it had aliens in it.

I recorded it. I forgot to tell you. You can watch it when we get home.

Oh. Um...

BOTH: # If there's anybody out there

# We are very sorry to have bothered you

# Carry on invading stars

# Going shopping or whatever it is you do

# If there's anybody out there

# Please ignore all the things that we just said

# Carry on assimilating Mars

# Tumble drying or perhaps just stay in bed

# Stay...in...

# Bed. #

It sounds like Mother's still up.

Hang on, what's she watching?

-TV:

-'Don't worry, Daphne. The flesh-eating monsters from Mars

'won't bother us here in Woking. Especially not in Lovers' Lane.'

(She's watching that film I recorded for you.

(Why are we whispering?)

This gives me an idea.

'Come here and give me a stout kiss, you silly, silly Daphne.

'I'll do better than that, Bernard. I'll eat your flesh!'

Well, this is a fine how-do-you-do.

No!

Resistance is stupid, puny Earth computer.

We are invaders from the Planet...

Um... Rubber Glovelier.

You must swear allegiance to our flippin' enormous battle fleet,

which is poised outside Earth's atmosphere and ready to rain down...

-um, origami cranes upon your puny planet.

-Steady on!

I surrender.

I swear allegiance to you, oh great conquerors.

I hereby denounce all the human people on Earth.

Except George Michael, and that nice man on Strictly.

What's his name?

Was he the rugby player?

Wait a minute. How do you know about Strictly Come Dancing?

Because...it's us!

THEY LAUGH

Oh, you, you cheeky pair of...whats-his-names.

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