Little Howard's DVD Extras Little Howard's Big Question

'Brad and Angelina, spotted asking Barry Chuckle for his autograph.'

KLAXON BLARES

# I love monkeys, I love monkeys

# All those happy little chirpy little monkeys

# With their tails and their bananas

# I think that if we all were monkeys, we'd have happier mananas

# Give me monkeys, lots of monkeys

# Oi, you doughnut, it's the monkeys I adore

# If my love said that she did not love those monkeys

# I wouldn't love her any more! # Thank you very much!

As it's the last of the series, we'd like to thank the monkeys

that have been involved in these titles over the last few months.

I have been assured that the peanuts are in the post.

Yes. Their names are scrolling across the bottom of the screen.

And without every single one of them,

the show would be pretty much exactly the same

but with different dancing monkeys. So thanks, guys, thanks, guys.

Whoo, yeah! Whoo! Monkeys!

Hello. Welcome to Little Howard's Big Question.

It's going to be different this week,

I'm coming to you from my cartoon cupboard.

We've received literally fictional letters from boys and girls

and students and embarrassed parents in their mid-30s, from all over,

who want to see the best bits from my show again.

So, this week, I went up to my dopey sidekick Big Howard and I went...

KLAXON BLARES

Oi, Little Howard,

I've come up with another one of my big questions!

Can we do a clip show, please?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Unfortunately, he was in the greenhouse at the time

and he was so surprised that he flew through the wall,

and next door's greenhouse,

and landed in the next door neighbour but one's greenhouse.

He slightly squished one of my tomato plants. Just my luck.

Actually, come to think of it, something bad happens to Big Howard

every time I use my big question klaxon.

Oh, no...

KLAXON BLARES

KLAXON BLARES

KLAXON BLARES REPEATEDLY

I didn't realise that happened

every single time I use my big question klaxon.

That must be really annoying.

Still, I think it's worth it.

Little Howard, can you come out of there, please?

Leave me alone. I need my animated space.

-You're not doing a clip show in there, are you?

-No...

I'm playing...

Philip Schofields and nurses...

without any nurses, because he isn't ill.

Sounds plausible.

I've invited loads of celebrities to celebri-tate the end of the series.

They're arriving now. You've got to come out.

Zac Efron really wants to meet you and we're nearly out of squash.

Who's Zac Efron?

Don't you know who Zac Efron is?

OMG, LOL! He's from High School The Musical.

No. I think that's more of a grown-up thing.

Kids don't really like that sort of thing at all.

I think I've met enough celebrities in the last 12 weeks...

or longer, if you're watching on iPlayer.

So where's Big Howard then?

-He's been laid off because we can't afford to pay him.

-Oh, that's awful.

-Blah-de-blurgh!

-Oucho says that's terrible.

Kirsten O'Brien off of SMart. What on earth are you doing here?!

-Well, Little Howard invited me up to help get you ab...

-Ahem!

Your chosen subject.

Who stole all the money from our TV programme's budget in two minutes,

starting now. Who stole all the money from your TV programme's budget?

I don't know. I was hoping you could tell me. Yes.

Can we switch places? This is quite scary.

Can we call security, please?

Hello, Mr Jonathan Ross.

Hello, Little Howard. How can I help?

Well, a lot of money's gone missing from our programme's budget

and someone said they thought you might have it.

Who said that? It was that cactus!

Jorrr-than Blogh!

You watch your mouth, cactus. I'm fed up with you

bad-mouthing me all over the BBC. This ends now.

How day? How day, doose-a flong allowarggghh!

-What did he say, Petrie?

-He said he likes your suit and your...hair.

He didn't say that. Come here!

Oh, dear.

Come on out, Little Howard.

Beyonce really wants to meet you.

Beyonce's not really there.

-You're not tricking me.

-No, honestly!

She's invited us to stay with her and her husband Jay-Zed.

They live in a Beyonce castle.

You're always trying to trick me,

like when you tried to trick me into driving all the way to Scotland.

What?

-Where does he live then?

-It's just up here.

Just along here?

Just around the corner.

It's just along the road, and up the next one.

Scotland?! We're in Scotland!

Um... That's the name of the village he lives in.

It's a very big sign for a village.

Well, they must be very proud of it.

Sounds plausible.

This is Bonnybridge.

Bonnybridge is in Scotland. I read a magazine article about this.

This is where they've had all those UFO sightings.

Is it? Oh, that's a stroke of luck.

My mistake. That was me tricking you, wasn't it?

Yes, it was. Wait a minute!

I heard a trilling harp.

Was that a flashback? Cos you know how I feel about dream sequences,

dream sequences, dream sequences...

Muriel, we've just got a letter from a young lad from Earth

who would like us to alien abduct a friend of his.

Do you think we could fit it in?

Well, we've got Mr and Mrs Grainger coming around

for a Venutian fondue tonight. You know the Graingers.

He's one of the deadly fish people from Cyrius B and she's a whelk.

Well, they could come along, too.

-I think they'd enjoy it.

-Righto. How about 8pm for 8:30?

# Hope the bedbugs don't have talons and great teeth to bite your legs

# Drain your marrow to the dregs

# But I'm sure they won't attack you if you lie here very still

# I checked the bed for monsters There are several underneath

# And they're sharpening their teeth

# After gorging on the carcass of a boy who bothered grown-ups

# He went like a lamb to slaughter All for just one glass of water

# But you're safer now because there's still a quarter of him left

# See that shadow hanging by the door

# It could be a dressing gown or nothing more

# But it's the rotting corpse of Zombie Jim

# And I pity any little child who tries to get past him. #

That's the scariest song I've ever heard.

Ding dong. The first way people met at the time was by using the sun.

At first, people just looked up to tell what time of day it was,

and then they invented sundials.

Days were divided up into 24 hours

and hours into 60 minutes by the Babylonians, 5,000 years ago.

Oh, are those the monkeys with the blue bottoms?

No. Those were baboons.

Oh. What colour bottoms did the Babylonians have?

And you know that the doctor said that going into flashbacks

about dream sequences can cause dizziness

and dropsy in cartoon boys under ten.

-MUFFLED TALKING OUTSIDE

-Oh, OK.

Little Howard, I've got to go

and get some more toilet paper for Girls Aloud.

But just remember everything I've been saying in the last minute, OK?

Yeah, yeah, right... Sorry about that.

We haven't had a chance to show a single clip

cos of all these dream sequences and flashbacks.

Our first clip is from episode one.

Now, this wasn't a very good time for me.

I'd just come out of a very bad dream sequence about bed bugs.

I don't want to talk about it,

although we did just show it in the last montage. Anyway,

this is what happened when I try to stay awake for the rest of my life.

-BIG BROTHER THEME PLAYS

-Day seven without sleep.

As well as the hallucinations, Little Howard is irritable.

Pass me the cornflakes.

Why won't that dolphin pass me the flippin' cornflakes?

Hello, Mr Unicorn. Now, tell me, have we met?

I really think you should go to bed, Little Howard.

Don't you start.

You just caught me there, chomping on...a tiny green apple...?

Part of my five fruit and veg a day

that I and you are supposed to eat lots of.

Sorry about that. I thought that clip was longer.

Well, let's get on with another request, which says,

"Dearest Little Howard.

"Please please please play the clip when you fell in love?!" Ohhh!

"I'd be forever grateful.

"Lots of love, Little Susan." But I'm afraid we don't...

Little Susan...!

Hello.

# Love...

# Love's a little like a crush

# But that's a nudge and love's a push... #

Yeah. Thanks very much for your brilliant request. It was amazing.

Really clever and pretty.

Yeah. Shame to let those two big gibbons split us up like that.

Yeah. OK, Little Susan, I'll pick you up at six on my tricycle.

Yeah. It's like a bicycle but it's got three wheels.

Oh...I'm back now.

See you later.

Now then, we have received 65 billion flowery smelling emails

from a computer called Mother,

and she demands that we play the best bits featuring our computer,

who is called Mother.

Now, Mother's not actually our mother, although she might be.

I'm not entirely sure, to be honest.

Big Howard promised to tell me about it one day,

if we get a second series.

-I know. Let's boot up Mother. She'll know what to do.

-No! No!

Hello! Just going to run some diagnostics. Won't take a jiffy.

Disc present, one two three, yeah.

Common sense chip. No. It's not there.

Doesn't matter! Never liked it.

-Oh, hello, lovely!

-She hasn't got a common sense chip.

She'll have no idea what's logical! I think we should leave.

Date... MOTHER SCREAMS

It's Friday 13th!

You mustn't go out. It's the unluckiest day of the year.

Get a horseshoe! Rabbit foot! Four-leaf clover!

Get a lucky Irishman! Get a four-leafed Irishman with horseshoes!

Oh, for goodness sake.

Oh, yes. Dinosaurs are extinct,

but how they got that way is over to scientific speculation.

One theory says there was a very severe ice age

and they couldn't survive in such a cold climate.

Another theory suggests that a giant asteroid smashed into the Earth

and wiped them all out instantly.

-I think it was probably because they left the tap on.

-What?!

They left the tap on and they all drowned.

Not a lot of scientists agree with me. Meeeep!

Definitely asteroids.

Little Howard can't sleep, he's had a nightmare about bed bugs

and I can't because Little Howard's had a nightmare about bed bugs.

You know what helps me sleep?

Extremely loud rock music.

-Brilliant!

-No!

-Thrash metal, anyone?

That sounds lovely.

-HEAVY METAL PLAYS

-Stop it!

Stop it. Turn it off. Turn it off.

What a life for a killer death robot from space, eh?

Just being a head on a shelf, surrounded by tat.

Ahhh. Well, perhaps you'll get your own series.

Sarah Jane Smith spent 20 years in a cupboard, you know.

Oh, I don't think so. I'll just have to get used to it.

-It's not so bad now, though.

-No, it isn't, is it? Oh, Simon!

Oh, Mother! When we get out of this blessed cupboard,

do you think you and I might hire a gondola

-and punt around Venus?

-Venus?!

-Venice! Venice.

Ah, Big and Little Howard.

I foresaw your coming here when you said you'd be back later.

-Oh, no.

-What's going on?

I am Mystic Mother.

Look deep into my webcam and I shall tell your fortune.

MOTHER COUGHS PATHETICALLY

-I'm fine, thanks for asking.

-I didn't.

Mother, why have you asked Doris to be our cleaning lady?

I went to the doctor's and he said I can't do the housework any more

-because of my condition.

-What condition?

Apparently, according to his expert medical opinion, I'm a computer!

Never(!)

-Little Howard, have you got the bongos?

-No.

It always smells like that in here.

No! The bongo drums. You see, Mel B's a bit upset about something

and she's just sitting on the stairs, all sad,

so Justin Timberlake and Bill Oddie want to cheer her up with a rumba.

We've got the trumpets but we need the bongos.

No. I have not got the bongos.

Go away! Right.

Let's crack straight on with another exciting montage,

featuring many of the weird and wonderful...

but mainly weird people

that Big Howard and I have met over the entire course of all the series.

-Oh, it's OK. I've found them!

-BONGOS PLAY RUMBA

Oh, for goodness sake!

I don't know if you've noticed but I had to use some household objects.

Don't worry, though. The principle is as sound as a pound.

As much as a pound?

Maybe Jetman shouldn't have had all those bacon sandwiches.

He's sick every time. Every time he's here, they clean the fan.

Very impressive, isn't it? He's almost as good as the experts,

the way he's flying up there, Jetman? No. He's rubbish, isn't he?

I'm flying! I'm flying, look at me!

Oooooh! I'm flying!

-Could you tell me your name, please?

-Enzo.

-And you in the middle.

-Tom.

-And you at the end?

-Charlie.

What is your favourite type of monkey? Enzo?

-A chimpanzee.

-Chimpanzee. That's nice. And Tom?

-Chimpanzee.

-What do you think, Charlie?

-Gorilla.

Gorilla. That is a large monkey.

I like the way you think. Mine is a pygmy marmoset,

the world's smallest monkey.

What I'd like you to do is go on this rollercoaster, several times,

please, if that's all right.

Tell me how long you think it is, we will tell you

how long it actually is to find out

whether time does fly when you're having fun.

I'm going to be sick!

Bleugh! Sorry, madam. Whoooo!

Whoooooo!

Now, don't worry, this won't hurt a bit.

When are we going to answer my big question?

-I'm a little bit busy at the moment.

-What are you doing?

This one will hurt quite a lot.

Is she giving you botox in your botox?

No. She's giving me nine injections

just in case that lizard gave me some sort of a tropical disease.

-How many injections is the lizard getting?

-One big one, hopefully.

Is one of them to stop you turning into a dinosaur?

It's not a dinosaur. It's a lizard.

I don't think lizard bites work like werewolf or vampire bites.

-I'm sure I'll be fine.

-Nurse,

could you leave the needles in so his bum looks like a hedgehog?

Well, that's a little bit unorthodox,

but also sounds like a laugh, so yes, I think we'll do that.

What? No! No! You cannot!

No, she can't do that.

This is a quiet respectable area!

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Look what you've done!

-You've torn it now.

-Big Howard?

-Hello?!

-What do you think you're doing,

shouting at the top of your voice in the middle of the night?

-I'm sorry!

-You're still doing it!

-I see what you mean!

-NORMAL VOICE:

-Sorry.

You'll wake the whole street up with that stupid mouth of yours.

It's my computer. She was playing really loud rock music.

I don't mind really loud rock music.

It's not everyone's cup of tea but it helps me sleep.

But your shouting doesn't!

All I can do is apologise.

Either you belt up or I'll give you a punch

up the bracket. You hear me?

-I've got to be on my forklift at 6am.

-Goodnight.

-Honestly...

-Thank you. Goodnight.

Oi! If you want to buy or sell

a vast quantity of useless superstitious tat,

then do we have a field full of herberts for you!

Get down to the jumbo mumbo jumbo jumble sale, starting Tuesday week.

Getting married? Need something old?

Need something new?

Something borrowed? Something blue? We've got plenty of each.

Or why not come down and throw your money away

down our ever so good luck wishing well?

Each wish just costs £2.

Or why not make three dreams come true for a fiver?

Can I keep this?

So what are you waiting for?

Come and have a mooch around the jumbo mumbo jumble sale,

in a big field near you. All products are guaranteed

to bring you good luck. Oi!

Welcome back to the LHBQHQ barbecue.

If you've just joined us, I'm in my cartoon cupboard

and where have you been?

Think you can just tune in halfway through the show, do you?

You people make me sick. Would you like a sausage?

-I said, would you like a sausage?

-Lindsay Lohan, I have warned you.

Do not set off party poppers next to Barack Obama.

Roger the pigeon, what are you doing here?

Sorry. I didn't know you were in here. I was going to the loo.

Oh. The toilet's at the top of the stairs.

Oh, don't worry. I don't need a toilet.

-PRRRRPPPT!

-Ohhh!

Wait a minute. I thought you were in prison

cos you stole all our money.

Oh no, I don't do bird. I flew free on a technicality.

What technicality?

Well, I'm a pigeon.

What are you doing in here?

I'm doing an all expenses spared end of series spectacular.

-Brilliant. Are you going on safari in Africa?

-Um... No.

-Are you doing a massive celebrity panto?

-Um...

-You're doing a clip show, aren't you?

-Yes.

Play some clips of Big Howard being hit round the head with stuff!

Cor, blimey, I hope the FBI never have to investigate our toilet.

-What are you up to?

-Nothing.

That hit me in the face, you little swine!

Oh, dear.

THEY GIGGLE

Chuck it back, Big Susan! We want to do it again!

Sergei, eyes right.

Hit him in the mush!

Oh, no, I can't wake him up! It's dangerous!

Ou-u-u-u-u-u-u-ch.

One more time, Sergei. In the mush, Ivan. Hit him.

You'll keep on this until you get it right.

Sergei and Ivan are trained ladder thwacking experts.

They could do this all day.

And again! Oh, come on.

Hit him, Ivan. And again!

Little Howard, have you got Roger the pigeon in there

playing a montage of all the bad things that have happened to me?

-No.

-Well, McFly say you have.

Oh, you've got McFly checking up on me now, have you?

No. They came up here looking for Gwyneth Paltrow's cat.

Agh! A cat?! Oh, I'm off!

Not now! Oh, dearie me.

I'm sure this hole's got smaller. Fiddlesticks.

Two can play at that game, sonny. I'm going to have a flashback

about bad things happening to you.

-What? No! You can't!

-Oh, yes, I can.

Hadn't you better be careful with that, Big Howard?

Course I'll be careful with that.

Oh, my goodness, I'm so sorry. You OK?

If I had a nose, that'd be broken.

Here, chuck it here. See if you can get this one.

So, got to go the speed of...

That looks simple enough.

OK. Here we go. Here I come!

Oh, dear. It's going a bit quick!

I don't like the speed of light. Why can't it be the speed of dark?!

-Mayday!

-The whole series is flashing before my eyes!

Argh! Ow. Oh... Ow...

That's a big one. Ow! Oh! Ow!

Are you all right, Little Howard?

There are 198 sheep.

You counted them from down there?

I counted the number of hooves that trod on my head and divided by four.

Oh, you're back.

Little Howard, I've had to abandon the flashbacks.

Shakira's got a nosebleed.

Hold it right back, love, or is it right forward? I can never remember.

How did it happen? ..What?! Lily Allen,

I told you not to let David Cameron anywhere near those Haribo.

It's no good, lad. You're going to have to

-smear some butter round me guts.

-I am not smearing butter around anywhere.

Oh, all right then. Margarine'll do.

You've gone a bit quiet down there.

Have you gone to fetch the lard?

-Ow!

-Right.

Well, that's just about it for the last in the current series

-of Little Howard's Big...

-Argh! Oh no!

Gwyneth Paltrow's cat's in the attic! Aaaargh!

Ow! Get off! No, honestly, I really like Sliding Doors. Get off!

-Oh, me feathers.

-Oh, dear.

-Little Howard, come out here at once.

-You ARE doing a clip show.

-I'm not.

I know you are. U2 wanted to watch Newsround.

-Who two?

-U2.

-Which two?

The Edge and Larry Mullen Jr, if you must know. Anyway, the Edge

and Larry Mullen Jr off of U2 wanted to watch Newsround

and we turned on children's BBC and you're on it doing a clip show!

-Well, if you don't come out, I'm coming in.

-No. You can't!

This is MY cartoon cupboard!

You just watch me!

What have I told you about doing a clip show

without an adult presenter present...ing...

Arrrgh! I'm a cartoon!

Well, it's a cartoon cupboard. What did you expect?

Well, I was expecting a big song to end the episode with

like we normally do.

Oh, yeah. Well, it's the end of the show, isn't it?

Oh, look. There's Coldplay. Hello, Coldplay!

Well, we'd better play one of our favourite songs.

Thanks for watching. Bye!

That was good, wasn't it?

Very successful, I think. Better than the ones that you're in.

Ow!

# Is there anybody out there

# If there is, could you please come and take Big Howard

# Cos he's never really been to space

# He is big but he's easily overpowered

# If there's anybody out there

# I'd be grateful if you stayed out there at home

# I don't want to go on holiday

# I'd be happy with a fortnight out in Rome

# If there's anybody out there

# Could you please come here and take my friend

# Show him all of the universe

# Buy him dinner at the restaurant at the end

# If there's anybody out there

# I'd like to tell you that I'm happy where I am

# And you wouldn't really like me much

# I'm a rotter I'd be better off in Rotterdam

# Ahhh-ahhh

# Ahhh-ahhh

# If there's anybody out there

# Take him to your leader just for me

# Cos he's never really been to space

# And he doesn't let me watch enough TV

# If there's anybody out there

# I'd be grateful if you stayed right where you are

# Cos I get a little travel sick

# I'd be very sick if I travelled that far

# If there's anybody out there

# Show him all the stars and a black hole

# Cos he's never really been to space

# And he always hogs the remote control... #

RECORD SCRATCHES

What?! Is that what this is about?

I wouldn't let you watch that film last night?

Well, yes, it looked brilliant and it had aliens in it.

I recorded it. I forget to tell you.

-You can watch it when we get home.

-Oh. Um...

BOTH: # If there's anybody out there

# We are very sorry to have bothered you

# Carry on invading stars

# Going shopping or whatever it is you do

# If there's anybody out there

# Please ignore all the things that we just said

# Carry on assimilating Mars

# Tumble drying or perhaps just stay in bed

# Stay in bed! #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd