Can I Believe My Eyes? Little Howard's Big Question

-Hello!

-Ssh! Don't make any sudden loud noises.

This could all come tumbling down like a house of cards.

-It IS a house of cards.

-Oh, yeah. Well, exactly like a house of cards.

The glue hasn't set yet.

(OK.)

Oh, wow, that's amazing!

Ssh! ..What?!

I've found a breakfast brioche with my face on it.

I suppose it does look a bit like you, yes.

This must be some sort of sign.

Perhaps I'm destined to...to...

EAT this slice of breakfast brioche.

It's a miracle!

It's not a miracle. It's just a quirk of the baking process.

It's not actually your face. It just looks like it.

It is! It's me, look!

It's an exact representation of all my facial features...

-of BOTH my facial features.

-It is not.

You thought you saw the face of Wayne Rooney in a corned-beef sandwich.

That was very life-like.

-It was just a piece of corned beef.

-Like I say, it was very life-like.

Well, you can't always believe your eyes, Little Howard.

Don't make any sudden loud movements

and don't let off that blooming klaxon...

KLAXON BLARES

Ah, Little Howard has come up with another of my BI-I-IG questions!

-Can I believe my eyes?

-I do wish you wouldn't do that.

KLAXON BLARES

'Coming next on Radio 4, The Archers.

'This week in 3D...'

KLAXON BLARES

# I love monkeys, I love monkeys

# All those happy, little, chirpy, little monkeys

# With their tails and their bananas

# I think that if we all were monkeys, we'd have happier mananas

# Give me monkeys, lots of monkeys

# For you know that it's the monkeys I adore

# If my love said that she did not love those monkeys

# I wouldn't love her any more. #

The interesting thing is, we can only afford one dancing monkey,

but thanks to the magic of telly,

you can see loads of them doing several different monkey dances.

But there is only one monkey in real life.

-I'm not one monkey!

-Yes, you are.

It's such a convincing illusion, you think you're separate monkeys.

-It's a load of rubbish.

-Shut up, you're all one monkey!

Why can't you just tinkle on a little bell?

It would go rusty.

I can answer your big question pretty quickly, Little Howard.

You can't always believe your eyes.

For example, that is not your face on that breakfast brioche,

and also...look!

DRUM ROLL

Wow! You pulled a pound out of my ear!

I can believe my eyes!

-Just a little trick my funny Uncle Roy showed me.

-That is amazing.

-How did you do it?

-Oh, I couldn't possibly tell you that.

That's strictly against the code of the League of the Funny Uncles.

My Uncle Roy told me about them.

They're the keepers of the secrets of uncle magic.

What's uncle magic?

Well, uncle magic is the magic tricks that people's uncles play on them.

Some people call it rubbish magic but I think that's unfair.

I'm thinking of working some uncle magic into our theatre show.

-Here we go. ..Ow!

-What are you doing?!

Stop!

-Give me that back. My head is obviously full of money.

-It isn't.

I didn't pull a coin out of your ear. It's a trick.

You're saying that cos you want the treasure for yourself.

I'll tell you how I did it, then.

You said you couldn't break the code of the League of Funny Uncles.

Uncle Roy made that up. What's the worst that can happen? ..There we go.

Right. So, there's a reserve of pound coins in the elbow of the false arm,

and when I want to eject a coin, I simply press the index finger

and a jet of compressed air fires the coin up the forearm

at approximately 64mph. It comes out of a slot in the wrist

and into the fingers of the hand, thus.

I'm sure there's a much simpler way of doing it than that.

It didn't come out of your ear. It just looked like it did.

-So I can't believe my eyes OR my ears?

-Not always, no.

DOORBELL RINGS Who can that be?

-Uncle Roy!

-Hello, young Big Howard.

-BUZZING

-Argh! ..Hand buzzer! Brilliant!

-Thank goodness you're safe.

Why wouldn't I be safe?

And why are you in our bin?

I'm in your bin because you're in...grave danger.

And this belongs in the recycling. Come on, get inside!

Stop that!

-Who's this?

-This is my Uncle Roy.

-Argh!

-He was my favourite uncle when I was a kid.

I told you about him. Always full of jokes and tricks.

PHWRRRRRT! See?

HE LAUGHS Hilarious!

He's the one that taught me the coin-out-the-ear trick.

I'm sure there's an easier way of doing it than that.

You haven't told him how it's done, have you?

Er...well...

Shuddering turnips!

No wonder he's after you.

Who's after us?

The Uncle With No Name.

Who?

He's a renegade magician from the League of Funny Uncles.

I thought you said they were made up!

Oh, no, they're very real.

And they take it very seriously

when someone gives away the secrets of uncle magic.

The Uncle With No Name takes it ridiculously seriously...

VERY ridiculously seriously indeed.

What does he do?

I can't tell you that. Are you trying to get us all killed?

If he hears of anyone explaining the secrets of uncle magic,

he rains down a terrible vengeance.

Are they the ants that built Stonehenge?

No, boy, the ants that built Stonehenge are henge ants.

Right! Vengeance means revenge and, for the record,

-Stonehenge was not built by ants.

-Wasn't it?

No, it was probably built by Druids.

-Oh!

-How do you know it wasn't built

by millions of ants dressed like Druids?

You are quickly becoming my SECOND favourite uncle after Uncle Pete,

and he ran over my dog. PHWRRRRT!

Third favourite.

-HOWARD CHUCKLES

-We haven't got time for this.

The Uncle With No Name is after you.

-What are we going to do?!

-For a start, don't panic,

cos if you panic, he'll catch you and do something beastly to you.

-Nya-a-a-ah! Nya-a-a-ah!

-I said, "DON'T panic."

I'm actually not panicking. I'm becoming hysterical. Nya-a-a-ah!

As long as you don't panic.

I'd better be going, otherwise I'll be in grave, grave danger...

not as grave danger as you, of course,

but I don't think that's possible. You really are in BIG trouble.

Ta-ra.

No buzzer, I promise.

Ah-ha-ha! Gets you every time.

Ha-dee-ha-dee-ha(!)

What are we going to do?!

Nothing. Uncle Roy's always been a bit of a wind-up merchant.

He's trying to spook us out a bit.

When I was a kid, he painted all the windows of my bedroom yellow

and told me there was a custard flood.

I tried to dig my way through the wall with a dessert spoon.

-OK, so the Uncle With No Name does not exist?

-Of course not.

So that's definitely not him standing at the window?

Aggh!

-Who's that smearing up my windows? Clear off, you!

-Argh!

That's the Uncle With No Name!

I wonder what he puts on his Christmas cards.

We're in dangerous gravy, Mother.

Grave danger.

I hope you've got clean pants on.

Well...I did.

What's that he's got up his sleeve?

Nothing to worry about. Just a bunch of flowers.

He must know about my hay fever.

Argh!

What are we going to do?!

-Camouflage.

-Camouflage?

Mother's actually had a good idea.

-What's camouflage?

-Camouflage is when animals and plants adapt

to fit in with their background.

We're not in! ..Can we make this quick, please, Mother?

What's this a picture of?

Wow, that's amazing! It's an octopus but it changed colour.

Yes. Imagine being his mother. If you asked him to tidy his room,

he'd pretend to be the washing machine,

and if he didn't wipe his feet when he came into the house...

-Speaking of which, have YOU wiped your feet?

-No!

THEY SCREAM

HE CACKLES

HOWARD CONTINUES TO SCREAM

-What are we gonna do?

-We need to camouflage ourselves!

Right, we need to find a forest full of tall blond men and cartoon boys.

Oh, look over there!

-Has he gone yet?

-Yeah.

Camouflage is brilliant!

I wonder if the breakfast brioche is camouflaging itself as me...

-For the last time, that is not a picture of your face.

-Oh!

I don't remember seeing this before.

That's a stroke of luck.

-Let's have a look.

-Yeah. Come on.

Let's find some more camouflage... or not find it.

What's "Escher" mean, Big Howard,

and what are those funny pictures meant to be?

I think you mean Esher. It's a town in Surrey, Little Howard,

and these are probably pictures of its railway station.

-WHISTLE BLOWS

-I think you'll find

that these are pictures by the Dutch graphic artist MC Escher.

That's Escher spelt with a C,

whereas this is a picture of Esher railway station.

That's Esher spelt without a C.

MC Escher specialised in pictures of impossible realities

that deceive the eye and defy the laws of physics,

whereas Esher railway station does not defy the laws of physics.

-If it did, the people would spill their coffee.

-Is it your museum?

No, I'm Mr Allardyce. I am the train guard at Esher railway station.

Blimey! For a train guard, you know a lot about optical illusions.

I've just been reading the captions on the pictures.

You must just excuse me. I've a quick phone call to make.

The train...

-LOUD SPEAKER:

-'now approaching platform 2

'is the 3.48 service to Woking, calling at Hersham...'

Castrovalva and West Byfleet.

But first, a man called Big Howard has an apology for you.

Do I? Ooh, um...

Um...h-hello.

I'm sorry I said...

LOUD SPEAKER '..you defied the laws of physics,

'Esher railway station. I confused you with the artwork of MC Escher.

'Very sorry. Bye-bye.'

-Bye-bye.

-All right.

-Bye-bye.

-OK, that'll do.

-We'll say no more about it.

-Thanks for your help, Mr Allardyce.

Don't mention it. I was just... Ooh! Oh, is that the time?

Sorry, I must dash. These trains won't cancel themselves, you know.

Bye-bye.

Look! It's a dragon!

It's just a cardboard cut-out whose eyes...follow you...around the room.

It's alive! Split up, we'll try and confuse it!

Good idea. I'll run away and you look tasty.

Its eyes are following me!

They can't be cos they're following me as well!

THEY SCREAM

Aggh!

Will Little Howard escape the sinister Uncle With No Name?

Is that Little Howard's face in a brioche?

And who won the FA Cup Final in 1998?

Find out the answer to all but one of these questions

after this company tries to sell you something.

Fed up with the sight of your breakfast cereal?

Well, why not try a breakfast cereal that you can't see?

New Camouflage Crunchies are the breakfast cereal

fortified with vitamins, iron and cloaking mechanism.

They're completely invisible, no matter what bowl you put them in.

And they can aid weight loss

if eaten as part of a camouflage-controlled diet.

Honestly, we're not trying to sell you an empty box.

Argh!

Big Howard, he-e-elp!

A-a-a-argh!

BELL TOLLS

You haven't seen a great big sinister man

-with a black cloak?

-Yeah. The bloke who runs this place looks like that.

-Thought it was odd. Never caught his name.

-The Uncle With No Name!

-That explains it.

-He's chasing my friend.

I need to find some way of distracting him.

If only I worked for a 3D holographics company

-that made images appear from nowhere.

-That would be brilliant.

You don't, do you? Ohh!

-Luckily, I'm being sarcastic. Come with me.

-Ooh!

No! Argh!

Get away from me, you fiend!

Oi! You leave him alone or I'll give you a punch up the bracket!

You and whose army?

Him and this army. Let's get him.

Oh, no! There are two Big Howards.

Hang on, I've seen this film.

One of them must be an evil twin.

I need a simple test to work out which one is which.

Ow! What are you playing at? HOLOGRAM BIG HOWARD LAUGHS

-It's for your own good, Big Howard. One of you is an evil twin.

-Ow!

No, we're not. Look, it's a hologram.

It's an illusion created by a company called Musion.

Oh!

Ow!

Will you stop doing that?!

Sorry, I just got into a rhythm.

Ow! LAUGHING

And you can shut up as well!

What are you doing? I'm a hologram that you just recorded, you idiot.

Sorry, clean went out of my head. I'm sorry. Duh brain.

This whole place is a trap. It's set up by the Uncle With No Name.

We've got to get out of here!

Thank you very much, hologram Big Howard. Nice working with you.

Pleasure. See you later.

Well, it seems I CAN'T believe my eyes.

I couldn't tell what was real

or whether to hit my best friend in the face with a folding chair.

Yeah, best avoided, as a general rule.

I can't trust my eyes at all. They're useless!

So I'm not going to look at the world any more.

I am going to be a hermit crab for the rest of my life.

Hermit. You don't have to be a hermit crab.

I want to be a hermit crab.

Fine.

Goodbye, world of lies.

I reject you forever.

-What time's tea?

-About six.

-Yummy!

-HE SNORES

-Hello, Little Howard.

-Hello? Um...who are you?

I'm just a dream, Little Howard.

I look like David Penn, the winner of the British Magical Championships,

but that's just a coincidence.

I'm a magician. I can do things that absolutely defy logic.

They're impossible.

Are you here to reassure me that I CAN believe my eyes

and that the world isn't full of lies and deceit?

Nothing is as it seems, in dreams OR in magic.

In fact, I can show you right now how magic works

by using these three coins.

I'm not going to hide the coins in my hand.

I'm going to keep them at my fingertips.

Now, if you watch, that's the first one to jump across.

That was misdirection. You were watching here,

you should've been watching there. That's misdirection.

The next one, that's sleight of hand.

You see, it jumped across.

Sleight of hand's very good because you can use it any time.

You see, it jumps back.

And the last one, that's that special little bit of something

you can't put your finger on and that's the way magic works.

How did you do that?!

I did it very, very well, thank you.

This isn't exactly reassuring me that I CAN believe my eyes.

Sometimes it's good NOT to be reassured.

Just sit back and enjoy the magic and enjoy the illusions,

like this classic illusion - sawing the lady in half.

There's the lady inside and we're going to lock her in place.

There's her head at that side, locked in, and these are her feet.

Wait a minute. I know how you do this. Those aren't her real feet.

No, they are real. She can wiggle her toes. ..Wiggle your toes.

Yeah, actually I can smell them from here.

This bit ensures a clean cut with this piece of equipment right here.

-SAW WHIRRS

-It's lucky this is a dream

and not a TV show, or we'd have to tell people not try this at home.

-SAW WHIRRS

-Oh, no, don't saw her in half!

Oh, poor woman! Oh, that's appalling!

Oh! Oh, mercy!

And, as you can see, the saw is completely undamaged.

But what about the lady inside the box?

You sawed her in half, you monster!

If you want to press charges, madam, I'll be a witness.

Let's have a look inside,

and you will see that we have sawn the lady in half.

-Wow!

-You can see straight through.

There's her head, and these are her feet. ..Wiggle your toes.

We've got to put her back together very, very quickly indeed,

so we're going to lock up the box and then do the click,

because it's the click that does the trick.

And hopefully now...there is the lady back in one piece.

We'll release the head, we'll open up the legs,

and she should be able to step out, and she's all back together!

CHEERING

All right, love, no need to milk it.

Here, you couldn't show me how to do one those, could you?

Sure. If you get yourself a banknote,

as long as it's got a picture of Her Majesty The Queen on the front.

If you fold it at the side of the Queen's mouth right there,

and put another fold at the side of the Queen's mouth on the other side,

and then right in the middle, make a fold that goes downwards

so you've got kind of like a little V.

If you hold it up, The Queen looks normal.

If I bend it back towards me, you can see that she smiles.

And if I bend her forward, she frowns.

-Brilliant!

-Perhaps you could try that on the Uncle With No Name.

I'll do something a bit more spectacular than that.

-Oh, so you're a professional magician now, are you?

-No, but I am a cartoon.

Oh, right. So it takes me years of practice but you're a cartoon,

so you can do it straightaway. Great.

-Argh, help, Little Howard, he's got me!

-A nose!

At last I get a nose!

Oi, cloth-face, look over here!

Blimey!

That's the best trick I've ever seen in my life!

Piff, paff, poof!

-BOTH: Mr Allardyce!

-It's you!

Well, actually it's not.

Oh, that is disgusting!

BOTH: Uncle Roy!

-So it was a wind-up all along.

-You know me. I like a laugh, I do.

No wonder Auntie Jill got in that cabinet and never came out.

Oh, no, that was another magic trick, Big Howard!

No idea where she went, mind you.

Well, why did you do it, Uncle Roy?

Your computer email said you've been saying my magic tricks are rubbish,

so I thought I'd teach you a lesson.

-Mother!

-All those things we saw - were they all you?

Yup.

Wow, that's amazing!

Those tricks were almost as good as David Penn's magic.

-TOGETHER: Who's David Penn?

-Ah, he's a magician who lives in my head.

Right. I think you may have hit yourself

a bit too hard over the head with a cricket bat earlier.

He told me that you CAN'T believe your eyes,

but that sometimes that's fun,

like the miracle of my face in the breakfast brioche.

Haven't you heard of a pareidolia?

The human tendency to see faces in everyday objects,

like the man in the moon or faces in flames or flowery wallpaper.

-See? What did I tell you?

-Mind you, that doesn't explain this.

What?! I...ee...!

You've got one too?

-How?

-This is a limited-edition brioche

made by the Breakfast Brioche Company. They sell well,

-even overtaken the sales of hot cakes!

-I was right!

I have a little trick for you, Uncle Roy.

Hold a finger, any finger.

-THWRRT!

-Oops, too late.

Wait a minute. Who gave that Breakfast Brioche Company

permission to use your face? That's illegal.

-Poor eagle.

-No, illegal means...

-Hello there!

You missed a call from your agent, Roger the pigeon.

-Here it is.

-'Hiya, Howie babies, just letting you know

'I flogged Little Howard's face to a breakfast brioche company

'for shed-loads of pigeon feed. I didn't let you know before because...

'well, I'm quite unprofessional

'and I've spent the money on ladders and bells for my cage. Ta-ta.'

That explains it, then.

Shall we get him arrested again?

I know. Let's wait until after the song.

Believing your eyes is not always wise

It sometimes defies belief

So next time your eyes tries telling you lies

Be brutal, be frank and be brief.

UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS

# Your eyes can play tricks on you You can't always believe them

# If they pop out, you have to retrieve them

# If they fall in dog poo, you have to leave them

# Your eyes can play tricks on you Things are not always what they seem

# Like a rainbow is just a wet sunbeam

# And the thing about the dog poo was actually a bad dream

# Your eyes can play tricks on you It's all about perspective

# Or your mind being selective

# Or your eyes are wonky so your glasses are correct

# Your eyes can play tricks on you You've got to keep them in focus

-# Please focus on this crocus

-That's not a crocus

# It's a camouflaged locust

# Your eyes can play tricks on you Is it real or just a drawing?

-# Which one should we be ignoring?

-If everything was real

# Then life would be boring

MUSIC INTENSIFIES

# But sometimes your eyes They try to deceive

# You just have to ignore them And simply believe

# I believe I'm a man

# I believe I'm a boy

-# And this is an illegal use of my image!

-And that I'm Uncle Roy!

# Cos sometimes belief It is all that we've got

# You must believe in yourself Believe it or not

# Believe it or not

# Ah-a-a-a-a-a-ah a-a-a-a-ah! #

Ladies and gentlemen, prepare to be amazed, prepare to be amused,

prepare to send your eyes back to the eye shop

because you don't believe them any more.

Please give a big round of applause for the amazing

and completely real magic of Big Howard!

CHEERING

I, Big Howard, can make coins appear from...

..thin air.

Only one of my arms was fake!

THEY SCREAM

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd