How Can I Be Lucky? Little Howard's Big Question

# La, la, la, la La, la, la... #

Oh, morning Little Howard.

-Morning poo-face.

-What would you like for...

Please don't call me poo-face!

What are you doing to our mother?

She's just called Mother!

But she thinks she's our mother.

That's why I'm trying to fix the commonsense circuits.

Irrational...does that mean she smells of bacon?

No, it means she's got no common sense.

Bacon's a common scent, so she can't smell bacon?

Be quiet.

Has the post arrived yet?

Oh, yes, it has and there's something for you.

-Brilliant! I probably won that competition.

-What competition?

On the back of the Bowlegs Crispy Nut Choc Tubes packet.

You had to complete the sentence, "Bowlegs Crispy Nut Choc Tubes

"have changed my life because...", in 12 words or less.

And what did you say?

I put, "Bowlegs Crispy Nut Choc Tubes have changed my life

"because...they just have."

I am quietly confident that I'll win.

The point is not to do it in as few words as possible.

You're supposed to say something nice in a clever way.

You don't know anything, do you?

The prize is a lifetime supply of Crispy Nut Choc Tubes.

-Quick, quick, open it, open it!

-OK.

Blimey! You came second.

Ah, no. Just my luck!

You still win half a lifetime's supply of Crispy Nut Choc Tubes.

It's hardly worth bothering with. What was the winning entry?

Let's see...

"Crispy Nut Choc Tubes have changed my life because...they have."

Oh, it seems so obvious now! Why did I put, "they just have"?

What a waste of words! Why am I so unlucky?

You can't really call it bad luck, Little Howard.

You've still won a ridiculous amount of breakfast cereal.

Anyway, pipe down a second. I've just got to remove

Mother's commonsense chip, which is a very delicate operation

and I would be grateful if you didn't make...

HORN BLASTS LOUDLY

I, Little Howard, have come up with another of my big questions!

How can I be lucky?

I really, really, really, really, really wish you wouldn't do that.

TV: 'Hail descended on Purley today when giant wishbones went on sale

'at the local supermarket, and critics say

'the two-for-one deal is pointless...'

HORN BLASTS LOUDLY

# I love monkeys, I love monkeys

# All those happy, little chappy little monkeys

# With their tails And their bananas

# I think if we all love monkeys We'd have happier mananas.

# Give me monkeys Lots of monkeys

# For you know that it's monkeys I adore

# If my love said that she did not love those monkeys

# I wouldn't love her any more. #

FIREWORKS EXPLODE

Except macaques.

I don't like macaques.

Why don't you like macaques?

Don't you remember? A macaque did something very rude

to our car aerial when we went to Monkey World.

-Oh, yeah, that wasn't very nice, was it?

-Nasty, dirty macaques.

Come on! Let's answer my big question.

You have to wait till I've fixed Mother.

What do you want for breakfast?

Well, I'm not having any Crispy Nut Choc Tubes.

Trying to fob me off with only half a lifetime's supply. The nerve!

What about Goody Fruity Bland Flakes? They're good for you.

They're not going to be so good for me

if they look so good for me I don't eat them.

-What's this?

-That's Mother's commonsense chip.

-I'm going to have to give it a good dusting.

-Oh, a chip.

DOORBELL RINGS

Ooh, who can that be?

Chips for breakfast, hurray!

Now, just give them a light dusting of salt and pepper...

-Hello?

-Are you Little Howard?

No, I'm Big Howard. If I was Little Howard,

-Big Howard would be Massive Howard.

-Oh.

CRUNCHING

Eugh...

I don't think much of these chips.

It's a good thing there's only one, they're horrible!

I can't see, you see,

because I'm carrying this enormous stack of cereal boxes.

For a minute there I thought your face was massive

and made of brown cardboard.

No, these are for Little Howard. There's more in the helicopter.

Oh, brilliant! Come in then.

HELICOPTER ROTOR WHIRRS

-Dump them where you like really...

-OK.

-Except there...

-I haven't properly introduced myself.

I am Mr Kenneth Bowlegs Jr,

of the Bowlegs Cereal and Offal Corporation.

I am here to tell you that...

-Oh, dear, you're THAT Little Howard.

No, I'm this Little Howard. Are you THAT Kenneth Bowlegs?

No, I'm his son. Now, this is a little awkward.

It clearly states on the conditions of entry on the box

that Little Howard, the cartoon boy,

is not allowed to enter this competition.

Oh, I thought that meant I couldn't enter the box.

-I didn't fit in it anyway.

-Why not?!

It just got stuck on my head and the cereal spilt.

There's no need to make a fuss, Big Howard.

-Why couldn't you enter the competition?

-Oh... Yeah, why not?!

Well, the prize is a lifetime's supply and being a cartoon,

-a lifetime for Little Howard could potentially be infinite.

-But I only won half a lifetime's supply.

-Yeah!

Well, even that could bankrupt us.

We learnt this lesson in the 1930s when Goofy won a lifetime's supply

of our tripe and he still gets 50 kilos a week

delivered to the Magic Kingdom.

Oh, I'm the unluckiest person in the world. Trust me to be immortal!

I'll tell you what I'll do. My dad won't like this,

but I'll leave these here with our compliments.

You don't eat cereal with salt and pepper, you duh-brain.

He means compliments, not condiments.

That's very good of you. Thank you very much, Mr. Bowlegs.

-OK. I'll see myself out.

-Yep.

-Ciao.

-Yeah, C-c-ciao.

What did I tell you?

We've got to answer my big question. I've got to improve my luck.

If it means that much to you, I'll help answer your big question

just when I've fixed Mother's... commonsense chip.

Where's the chip that was on here?

Was it important?

Without that, Mother will be even more unbearable than usual.

She'd have no grip on reality whatsoever.

Where is it?

I think its back here...

-There you are.

-Thank you very...

Wait a minute, this is an oven chip!

-Are you sure?

-I just saw you get it out of the freezer.

We need a computer chip, not just any old chip.

That's not any old chip. Its crinkle cut.

What happened to the chip that was back there?

You don't want that chip, that chip tasted horrible.

They're not really designed... What! You ate the commonsense chip.

Yeah...kind of.

You are absolutely, categorically not allowed to eat

any sort of computer hardware ever again.

-What are we going to do now?

-I can poo in a sieve.

-No.

-I know, let's boot up mother. She'll know what to do.

No, no!

Hello, just going to run some diagnostics. Won't take a jiffy.

Discs present - one, two, three, yep.

Commonsense chip, no its not there...

SHE BABBLES

..George Michael... Hello, lovely...

She hasn't got her commonsense chip. She'll have no idea what's logical!

We should leave.

Date... Argh!

It's Friday the 13th! You mustn't go out!

It's the unluckiest day of the year!

Get a horse shoe, a rabbit's foot, a four leaf clover, a lucky Irishman,

get a four leafed Irishman with rabbits' feet wearing horseshoes.

For goodness sake...

Friday the 13th! That explains why I've had so much bad luck today!

No, it doesn't and no you haven't.

Mother only thinks that because you've effectively eaten

the part of her brain that stops her

believing in superstitious old mumbo jumbo like that.

-Don't say that!

-Say what?

"Old mumbo jumbo" - it's got 13 letters. We're doomed!

Superstitious old tosh then.

But "tosh" has four letters. The number four is extremely unlucky

in Oriental cultures.

But this is Purley.

It's the end of the world.

Oh, come on! Purley's not that bad.

You might as well have broken a mirror with an umbrella

that you've opened indoors with a black cat sat on your lap.

Then went off to kill a single magpie while a robin sang

a plaintiff song over your gable!

-Just plain bonkers.

-How do we fix her?

I know. Mother, you've got to let us out because we've got to go

and buy a new commonsense chip from the shop on the High Street.

-RAM, M-Peg and chips.

-It's not called that.

I know but it's a better name than theirs.

I can't let you out! It's Friday the 13th.

Evil spirits are abroad!

If they are abroad, they won't get us then.

They'll all be sunning themselves on a beach somewhere.

-You're not going out without a scarf...

-I can get a scarf.

..Made of wood that's been blessed by the Pope.

Oh, I don't have one of them.

But...that's why we've got to go out.

We don't have any good luck charms in the house!

We are defenceless, Mother.

What about my dream catchers?

It looks like their full. Chock-full of dreams.

We better go and buy some more.

All right. Get as many lucky trinkets as you can.

Stay close together, don't walk under any ladders

or on any cracks in the pavement,

and steer clear of seventh sons of seventh sons and puffins.

Are puffins bad luck?

Their numbers are dwindling and they are trip hazard.

Do you know what I mean?

Yes, we need some rabbits' shoes and some horses' feet, or something.

-And a four leaf clover.

-And don't forget nutmeg.

-Is nutmeg good luck.

-No, but I thought I'd do a rice pudding.

At last! I thought she'd never let us out.

So, we need to get a horse's foot and a four leafed Irishman...

You don't believe all that hooey and flim-flam?

I need to improve my luck any way I can.

No, we've got to get to the computer shop...

If I had all these good luck charms, I'd definitely be lucky.

How many times do I have to tell you?

This good luck stuff - it's a load of old nonsense.

You didn't walk under the ladder! That means you must believe in luck.

No, I don't. There might be someone up it

and they might drop hot tar on my head.

But there's no-one up it.

The wind might blow and it could fall one me.

That would be unlucky, wouldn't it?

Well, yes...

Right we're going to put paid to this once and for all.

Let's do a big experiment.

You collect things that are supposed to be good luck charms

and see if anything good happens

and I'll do things that are supposed to bring bad luck

-and see if bad things happen and we'll keep score.

-Brilliant idea!

That will prove it's bunkum and humbug.

It is not hunkum and bumbug.

It'll prove its all completely true and real.

Either way, I'll see you at the corner

-of St Lob and Chuck Handy's park in half an hour.

-Right, good luck.

'Who will win in the great good-versus-bad-luck experiment?

'What further ill fortune will blight our heroes' Friday the 13th?

'And are either of those proper sentences?

'Find out after these messages.'

Sorry you got struck by lightning, Pete. Still they say lightning

never strikes twice in the same place, eh? Knock on wood.

I can't see any wood... Help me find some wood. Quickly.

Sorry, Pete! I should have brought a lump of...self-knocking wood!

My pants are on fire.

Never get caught short again for a piece of wood to knock.

New specially formulated knock wood, to ensure that you

or your friends don't meet with a horribly ironic accident.

Knock on wood? No need with new self-knocking wood.

So, get shopping and let the wood do the knocking.

Oi! Do you want to buy and/or sell a vast quantity

of useless superstitious tat?

Then do we have a field full of Herberts for you.

Get down to the jumbo mumbo-jumbo jumble sale. Starting Tuesday week.

Getting married? Need something old? Need something new?

Something borrowed, something blue? We've got plenty of each.

'All borrowed items must be returned to the people we borrowed them from.

'No money is returnable.'

Or why not come down and throw your money away

down our ever so good luck, wishing well?

Each wish just costs £2 or why not make three dreams come true

for a fiver?

No money is kept in the wishing well overnight.

All major credit cards accepted.

Can I keep this?

So, what are you waiting for? Come and have a mooch around

the jumbo mumbo-jumbo jumble sale. In a big field near you.

All products are guaranteed to bring you good luck. Oi!

'No products are guaranteed to bring you good luck.'

And now back to the great good-luck-bad-luck experiment.

Will Little Howard find all the good luck charms he needs?

Will Big Howard bring bad luck upon himself?

Will they prove whether good or bad luck exist once and for all?

How should I know, I just work here.

I just said that, just there.

They probably thought you'd forgotten.

You do have a notoriously short attention span.

-I suppose I do. Head like a sieve. Who are you, by the way?

-Big Howard!

Just a coincidence...

Ooh, £20!

Stop, stop, Little Howard!

You are our millionth Sticky-stick Glue stick customer,

and for that you win a prize of £5!

Oh, hello. Fancy meeting you here. What a stroke of luck.

It must be because I've got all these good luck charms.

No, it isn't and no it wasn't.

You shouldn't step on the cracks in the pavement.

It's bad luck.

That is just a load of nonsense.

I've been stepping on the cracks in the pavement all day and nothing... .

I'm saying nothing.

That's very good of you.

Except, "Ha, ha, look at your face!"

This doesn't prove anything, you know.

Sorry. I've collected a horse shoe, a four leaf clover,

four lucky rabbit's feet, attached to the end of a lucky rabbit,

and I've avoided cracks in the pavement

and people have given me money and so it's all true.

Good luck charms do work. How did you get on?

I did all the things on the bad luck list

and I got beaten up by a man with a big moustache three times.

Perhaps men with big moustaches are bad luck.

No, its just coincidence. Nothing to do with luck at all.

I just happened to really, really, really annoy the same furious man

with a big moustache, three times.

-Oh, dear.

-It's not all bad. The second time he chased me

I hid in the electrical shop and bought Mother's commonsense chip.

You should probably go home. It will be safer.

Not necessarily. Mother's gone haywire.

I only hope the house is still standing.

Ah, Big and Little Howard, I foresaw you coming here

when you said you'd be back later.

Oh, no.

-What's going on?

-I am Mystic Mother. Look deep into my web cam

and I shall tell you your fortune. Did you get me nutmeg?

-Oh, I knew we forgot something - nutmeg!

-Then you will be cursed!

Argh!

-..With no rice pudding for tea.

-Oh, for goodness sake.

That's the worst thing that's ever happened to me!

These good luck charms don't work. I'm doomed.

Perhaps you are, perhaps you're not.

Only the stars on my favourite online horoscope page can tell.

-Cross my keyboard with silver.

-Big Howard, can I borrow 50p?

You've just been given £5 and a massive cheque for £5.

They're not silver. If I'm cursed with bad juju, you'll be sorry.

Juju? I pooh-pooh your juju.

Place your palm on my monitor.

Ah...I see you used a blue biro and a Sticky-stick Glue Stick

and...and you had a bag of cheesy squids for lunch.

That is amazing.

She was just looking at all the muck on your hand!

I've had enough of this.

25 million billion...

Your lucky colour is magenta.

Your lucky Eastenders character is Ian Beale...

Brilliant he'll never leave.

And your lucky internal organ is the duodenum...

Oh, what are you doing?

Hello, won't take a jiffy...

Discs one, two, present, commonsense chip,

that's there, good I need that.

George Michael Mpegs... Oh, George, just haven't met

the right computer yet. Date Friday the 13th...

Now, where was I?

You were telling me what my lucky internal organ was.

I fixed her. I replaced her commonsense chip.

Oh, what did you do that for? I'm so unlucky.

If you think you're unlucky you should talk to Unlucky Les.

He lives at number 12A down the road.

He used to live at number 13 but that got eaten by ants.

Of course, Unlucky Les. What's his real name?

No. He was christened Unlucky Les.

-That's unlucky.

-He's been struck by lightning eight times.

He's the unluckiest person I ever met. Everyone thinks so but him.

You see? Luck's about the way you look at it.

I'll get him round for a cuppa. He'll be glad of it.

His living room got hit by a meteorite this morning.

DOORBELL RINGS

Ow!

Are you all right, Unlucky Les?

Yes, I'm fine. A slate just fell on my head but I've had worse!

Its not even from our house!

-Come in.

-Better not shake hands. Broken my fingers this morning.

-Did you have a nice holiday?

-Oh, lovely, yeah.

-Well, the campsite exploded but...

-Again?

-Well, it was only France.

-Fancy some chicken crisps and digestives?

Ooh, thank you, no. I had a rich breakfast

-of Jammy Dodgers and veal, so I'm stuffed.

-Oh, lovely.

Little Howard, what's this about you thinking you're unlucky?

I've had a terrible day and it's Friday the 13th.

I didn't win a competition, I came second.

Then I was disqualified for being immortal!

Let me just stop you there.

I mean most people don't come close to coming second in a competition.

I came third once in the Unluckiest Man in the World competition

-but then the venue was flooded by a freak tidal wave.

-Oh, blimey.

We were in Switzerland. There's no sea for miles around.

As for being immortal

I'd give my right arm to be immortal if it hadn't been eaten by wolves.

-Blimey, you are unlucky!

-No, I don't think so.

I've got my health, you know. I've got my family.

No, in my book, there's no such thing as luck.

It's how you deal with what life throws at you.

But you've been struck by lightning eight time!

-And I survived eight times, didn't I?

Your living room got hit by a meteorite this morning!

Yeah, while I was in the bath. That's good luck in my book.

But we've proved it. I collected a load of lucky stuff

and loads of really good things happened to me

and Big Howard did loads of unlucky stuff

and he got beaten up three times.

-A man with a big moustache.

-What unlucky things did you do?

Well, he tried to break a mirror and the bloke who owned it beat him up.

Moustache...

Well, avoiding breaking mirrors isn't lucky or unlucky.

Its just commonsense. Broken glass is very dangerous.

As for deliberately breaking someone else's mirror.

-That's just stupid, no offence.

-None taken.

What else did you do?

He opened an umbrella indoors.

Again that's just dangerous. You could poke someone in the eye.

I actually poked six people in the eye.

These things called "unlucky" are just our forefathers way

of trying to drum a bit of commonsense into us.

-What else did he do?

-He put a pair of shoes on a table.

-In a restaurant.

-Well, that's just idiotic!

-Sorry you can take all the offence you want from that.

-I will!

The whole shoes on the table thing

probably came about because it's unhygienic.

But what about the good luck charms?

I collected loads of them and lots of people kept on giving me money.

-£10 he got.

-Well, are you lucky or unlucky because you still didn't win

the competition. Your good luck charms didn't fix that.

Its all coincidence.

If I spent all my time working out whether what I did

or didn't do would make me lucky or unlucky, I'd never leave the house,

unless it got eaten again by those giant fat ants.

No. Luck is what you make it. Let me put it this way.

# They say that good things always come to those who wait

# But if that's true Mine's running late

# I had so much bad luck it's a crime

# But at least its here on time

# At least you are you # So don't be blue

# You could be me.

# They say that lightning never strikes the same place twice

# If that was true That would be nice

# But I've found that lightning strikes

# Wherever lightning likes

# It usually strikes me It usually strikes me

# At least you're not me

# At least you're not me

# At least you're not me

# At least you are you So don't be blue

# You could be me

# They say that bad things always come to you in threes

# If that was true I would be pleased

# It seems with me bad things are able

# To come in all the three times table

# At least you're not me At least you're not me

# At least you're not me

-# At least you're not me

-At least I'm not you

-# At least you're not me

-At least I'm not you

# At least you are you So don't be blue

# You could be me

# Your words will really help to get me through

# I'm very glad That I'm not you.

# But, Les, what do you do As I'm pretty sure you're you

# I'm sure you're you I'm sure that you're you. #.

That's a good point and well made, Little Howard.

Let's put it this way - what's your favourite drink?

I like orange juice.

I prefer something a bit stronger, myself.

-What, orange juice with bits in?

-Yeah, orange juice with bits in.

Wow, there's a man who can really handle his vitamin C.

# I'm glad that I'm me

-# I'm glad that I'm me

-I'm glad that I'm me

# I'm glad that I'm me

# I'm glad that I'm me I'm glad that I'm me

-# I'm glad that I'm me

-I'm glad that I'm me

-# I'm glad that I'm me

-I'm glad that I'm me

# I'm glad that I'm me. #

Are you all right, unlucky Les?

You got struck by lightning indoors. You really are unlucky, aren't you?

No, I'm fine. It happens all the time.

Never mind about that. You could have been killed, Little Howard!

Mr. Bowlegs Jr from the cereal company, where did you pop up from?

I've been locked in your loo all day, I'm afraid.

I was a bit too embarrassed to call for help

but don't worry, I finally managed to break the door down.

-Oh...what!

-No offence to you Unlucky Les but the fact that Little Howard

very nearly died proves that he's not immortal.

You see Little Howard doesn't age but his life can end.

So, we can give you the prize.

Brilliant. I am going to die! I am so lucky.

Where do you want us to put the half a lifetime's supply of cereal then?

If you could just pop it out the back with your helicopter...

CRASHING

Oh... Oh, ow...

Marvellous.

I love Crispy Nut Choc Tubes.

BOWLEGS: Are you going to eat that chicken? A little peckish.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hello, everybody. Welcome to the show.

-Hello.

Now you might be wondering what's happened to my leg.

I've fallen foul of theatrical superstition and Little Howard.

Yes. In the theatre you're not supposed to say "good luck"

before a show. That's bad luck apparently.

Yes, actors prefer you to say, "break a leg."

But I said "good luck". Of the two, I think it sounds more friendly.

Actors also think it's unlucky to say the name

of the Shakespeare play Macbeth.

Macbeth is about witches so actors think it's cursed.

Unfortunately, the theatre we're in is also putting on a production

-of Macbeth, entirely performed by dogs.

-It's called Macwoof.

LAUGHTER

The other things that actors don't like you to do is to whistle when you're back stage.

But I didn't know that so I was just whistling the theme to Dr Who.

-We've all done it.

-When they heard me,

all the dogs from Macwoof went crazy and they knocked Big Howard over.

ALL: A-aw!

-But that didn't break my leg.

-No.

It was at that point though that Little Howard remembered to say,

"break a leg."

-Unfortunately, one of the dogs was very obedient.

-And it knew karate.

It knew karate better than he knew about theatrical superstitions.

He karate chopped my leg and broke it in four places.

He got three encores.

ALL LAUGH

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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