What Is Funny? Little Howard's Big Question

Could I speak to big-time Hollywood film producer Kenny Bigtime, please?

Oh, are you his secretary?

You're his secretary's secretary's secretary?

Blimey, he IS important!

I'm calling to confirm his meeting with Little Howard and Big Howard.

Yes, he is coming too. Well, someone's got to drive.

I hope he doesn't wear that horrible suit.

Hello, Mr Bigtime.

Thank you for agreeing to meet...

Big Howard, I've come up with a great new sketch for our comedy show.

Why are you dressed like that?

-We've got that big meeting today.

-What meeting?

The most important meeting of our lives

with the film producer. The one I've been going on about for months.

No, drawn a complete blank on that one.

I know. I could show him my sketch.

-You're on stage and I run on and I hit you with a mattress.

-A mattress?

Or a massive pillow or a stick. I'm still working on the finer details.

Then you get pelted with fish

and then this massive custard pie falls out of the ceiling

and splats you completely. Isn't it brilliant?

Little Howard, that is just not funny and not the sort of thing

you should show a big-time Hollywood film producer.

People aren't going to laugh at things falling on my...

PARP!

I, Little Howard, have come up with another one of my big questions.

What is funny?

I don't believe it!

You set that klaxon off and nothing bad happened to me.

This is a complete turning point in my...

Argh!

'Custard pies flew in Purley after dancing monkeys invaded a bakery.

'Police think a cartoon boy may have given them the idea.'

# I love monkeys, I love monkeys

# All those happy little chirpy little monkeys

# With their tails and their bananas

# I think that if we all were monkeys we'd have happier mananas

# Give me monkeys, lots of monkeys

# Buy a doughnut next to monkeys I adore

# If my love said that she did not love those monkeys

# I wouldn't love any more. # Thank you very much!

-Oo-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!

-Who was that? Who laughed?

Oh, it's you, Monkey Six.

Why did you laugh?

Well, it's because you're funny, Little Howard.

Funny how? Funny like a clown?

I amuse you? I make you laugh, do I? I'm here to amuse you?

-Well, yes.

-Oh, yes.

Well, thank you very much for your positive feedback, Monkey Six.

I am promoting you to Monkey Three.

I really wish I hadn't said that.

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

I think I just answered my own question. That is very funny.

Where did that come from?

-Where did what come from, Big Howard?

-The massive custard pie.

I built a few props in preparation

for you saying you thought my sketch was brilliant.

I'm not sure "brilliant" is the word I'd use.

All clean.

Can we answer my big question, please, Big Howard?

How do we answer a question like "what is funny"?

Surely it's completely subjective.

Subjective? What's that?

Is it an ejector seat in a submarine?

No. Subjective means it's different for everybody.

What one person might think is hilarious

someone else might think is rubbish. Some people might not find US funny.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Oh, the very idea!

You're crazy!

We haven't got time to answer your big question cos we've got our big

meeting with Kenny Bigtime from Bigtime Films in Hollywood.

-How do I look?

-You look like a million dollars...in the bath.

Gentlemen, this is Kenny Bigtime from Bigtime Films.

Roger, shouldn't you be sitting over here?

-Don't you work for us?

-Not any more.

This guy's got loads more wonga than you.

Hello, Mr Bigtime.

Mr Bigtime says that he's very pleased to meet you, Little Howard,

but that he's far too rich and important to speak.

Blimey!

Mr Bigtime has asked me to tell you he attended your show last night

and thought that Little Howard was brilliant.

A comic genius on a par with Barry Chuck.

High praise indeed.

Big Howard, on the other hand, is not funny.

"Rubbish."

"I've had more laughs on my last trip to the dentist."

"When he forgot to give me an anaesthetic

-"and I ended up with an infection...

-Yes, all right!

In short, Big Howard should be dropped from the act completely.

If you'd sign this contract, Little Howard,

you can start your career in Hollywood.

-And Big Howard, please leave the building and never come back.

-What?!

Mr Bigtime realises that this will be difficult for you, Little Howard,

and he has found a tall man with blond hair

who is prepared to change his name to Big Howard.

Blimey, you can write quick.

Hi, I'm Big Howard. Little Howard, I do wish you wouldn't do that.

No!

Little Howard, this is a really big opportunity for you.

I think I'm holding you back and I think you should go on without me.

No! Mr Bigtime, we all know Big Howard's not funny.

-What?!

-Shut up. I'm sticking up for you.

But I can make him funny.

Give me 24 hours.

HE TRUMPS

Mr Bigtime says you're on.

On second thoughts, could we make it 48?

Mr Bigtime has asked me to shake my head solemnly to indicate...

You could have done that yourself!

-What are we doing here?

-We're going to make you

the funniest tall, blond man in all of this part of Surrey.

How?

Two monkeys fall out of a tree.

-Faster!

-Two nuns go into a bar.

Run faster! Tell more jokes!

Two ostriches put their heads in...

That wasn't funny enough. Faster!

Right, hit him.

Hi. Hi there.

OK, so there was a sandwich...

Rubbish! Tell us a joke we know!

Make me laugh. Get your knees up!

The funniest thing about you is your shorts at the moment.

-Be funnier!

-I can't go on!

I haven't got any more jokes in me!

I've had maths tests funnier than you.

Who are these two?

They're the Tomichio brothers from the Moscow Institute of Slapstick.

-What are they doing here?

-Sergei, eyes right.

Hit him in the mush!

-Aargh! Aargh!

-One more time, Sergei.

-In the mush, Ivan. Hit him.

-Ow!

-Ow!

-Big Howard, we are going to keep on doing this until you get it right.

Sergei and Ivan are trained ladder thwacking experts.

They could do this all day. And again!

Come on, hit him, Ivan! And again!

-Hey...

-Get off! Your rubbish.

Hit the banana. Well done.

Get off!

Oh, well done.

Boo!

Oh, good shot. Get your knees up!

Be funny! Be funny and get your knees up!

Faster!

Leave me alone!

Get up, you miserable worm!

If you're like this, you'll never make it through panto.

I'm getting pretty good at punching fruit.

Yeah, but the idea is to stop people throwing it at you.

Oh, yeah. I'm never gonna be funny, am I?

Don't be sad, Big Howard.

I mean, what is "funny" anyway?

What's the point of laughter?

Good morning! Laughter is an instinctive, contagious, stereotype,

unconsciously controlled, social play vocalisation.

I can see you're both fascinated.

Humans are the only animals that truly laugh.

Our laughter possibly evolved

from the way animals breathe while they're playing.

Chimpanzees make laughter-like panting noises when they're

gadding about. Likewise, rats make

a very distinctive squeak when they're playing the billy goat.

Billy goats don't laugh at all, strangely.

What about hyenas? They laugh all the time.

The noise hyenas make that sounds like laughter

actually means they're frightened.

And horses can't be sick.

What's that got to do with anything?

I just thought it was interesting.

But why do we laugh?

Laughter helps society work.

It's a way humans can show that they like each other.

See? You're looking at complete strangers laughing and it's already

-made you two chuckle.

-Oh, yeah!

But sometimes laughter can be bad for society.

Laughing at people who are different from you can divide society in two.

Anyone who's ever been bullied will know that there's a big difference

between people laughing with you and people laughing at you.

But why aren't I funny?

I'm sure some people find you funny.

I can't think who at the moment, but then I'm only a supercomputer

with access to the entire internet.

What we need is a load of people,

maybe at a comedy show, who could tell us what they think.

We don't have time for that.

We've got to prove that I'm funny to Kenny Bigtime, and before that

we've got to do one of our shows to an audience...full of people! Ahh!

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Yeah. Let's see if we can make a horse be sick.

No, let's go and ask the audience at one of our shows.

Can the horse come too?

Shut up.

-Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome onto the stage Little Howard!

-CHILDREN: LITTLE HOWARD!

Oh, for heaven's sake!

What?

-You've got...

-Oh, have I got chocolate around my face?

I don't know. You've got a Thomas the Tank Engine mask on.

Oh, sorry about that. I'll take it off.

-For heaven's sake!

-What now?

-What?

-You've got chocolate all round your face. I'm so sorry about this.

-Thank you, Big Howard.

-It's fine. OK, we're now...

Where did you get the Thomas the Tank Engine mask from?

I got it from Thomas the Tank Engine magazine.

Right. Where did you get that from?

You didn't cross the road to go to the shop, did you?

You know you're not allowed to cross the road on your own.

-Um... I found it.

-Right. Where did you get the chocolate bar from?

-I found that as well.

-OK, so long as you didn't cross the road.

We're going to tell you some of my favourite jokes from my childhood.

-Oh, do we have to? Your jokes are rubbish.

-Yes, we do have to.

-These jokes are rubbish.

-They're brilliant.

They're fantastic. OK, what's black and white and red all over?

-I don't know, what's black and white and red all over?

-A newspaper!

I don't get it.

A newspaper is black and white,

or at least they used to be, and now you read them all over.

-So it's read all over. It's the past tense of read.

-But I don't.

I just look at the cartoons.

-I like Calvin and Hobbs.

-I don't care.

Let's try another one.

What's green, furry and goes up and down and up and down?

Um, a budgie on a see-saw?

No, it's a gooseberry in a lift.

Oh, I prefer mine. I think it's more realistic.

Why is a budgie on a see-saw

more realistic than a gooseberry in a lift?

When have you ever seen a budgie on any sort playground equipment?

That doesn't prove anything.

A gooseberry wouldn't be able to reach all the buttons in the lift.

It can probably only press up to floor seven

and then it's got to get out and walk.

-Look, it doesn't matter.

-It matters to me.

Let's try another one. Why did the chicken cross the road?

How old is the chicken?

I don't know, Howard.

The joke doesn't specify how old the chicken is.

-Is the chicken six?

-I don't know.

Cos if he was six, he wouldn't be allowed to cross the road.

And if he got found out, he'd get in big trouble.

Look, the joke isn't about you.

I want some jokes that ARE about me, not about grown-ups or chickens

or people who can read.

Fine. I'm sorry about this. We'll do some jokes about Little Howard.

OK, how many Little Howards does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I don't know. How many?

One. He holds the light bulb up in the air

and apparently the entire world revolves around him!

That's mean. OK, fine.

-How many Big Howards does it take to screw in a light bulb?

-I don't know.

-20.

-Why 20?

Cos he can't do it on his own because he's stupid!

Doctor, doctor, I've got a fly in my soup.

Why are you telling me about your soup? I'm a doctor.

I'm sorry, I'm a stupid durr-brain

and I don't even know what a doctor is!

-Finished?

-No, I haven't finished.

Why did Big Howard cross the road?

No-one knows, because he's such an idiot!

-Why did Little Howard cross the road?

-I crossed the road to buy

-a Thomas the Tank Engine magazine and a chocolate bar.

-Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

That was a mean trick.

-It wasn't a big, stupid, durr-brain, trick though, was it?

-No.

So do you owe someone an apology?

-I'm sorry I called to a big, fat, stupid idiot, Big Howard.

-Thank you.

-Fat? You didn't call me fat.

-Oops!

-Well, that seemed to go well.

-Yeah, but did they like me, though?

Let's go and ask them.

Who do you think's funnier, me or Little Howard?

-Little Howard.

-Little Howard.

-Little Howard.

You think Little Howard's funnier.

Why do you think he's funnier than me?

He tells much better jokes than you.

Could you please tell Big Howard he's funnier than me? 50p?

OK, if you say so. Big Howard.

As loud as you can. "Big Howard is very funny."

Big Howard is funnier than Little Howard.

Oh, this is never going to work.

-Didn't really mean it though, did he?

-Can we make Big Howard funnier?

-I don't know.

-Get some new jokes?

-OK.

-Make him wear a chicken suit.

-A chicken suit?

-Yeah.

-Make Howard not funny.

-There's no way of me ever being funny?

No, not really.

Hello, Big Howard and Little Howard.

Can you ask me those questions?

Certainly, little boy.

Second thoughts, don't bother. I thought you were rubbish.

You should be dropped from the act. You're a loser.

Oh, even the audience don't think I'm funny!

Will our dynamic duo be split up by Kenny Bigtime from Bigtime Films?

Will the audience notice how tragically unfunny Big Howard is?

-Oi! Leave it out!

-I'm just saying what everyone's thinking.

-Well, don't!

-Look, you've ruined my bit now.

You're really dragging everyone down, you are.

Are you down in the dumps? Mum or dad stressing you out?

Life just getting you down?

Then you need canned laughter.

Turn your life into one big sitcom

with your very own tinned studio audience!

Canned laughter. It's packed with meaty chuckles and contains more

juicy titters than ever before.

So get a tin of canned laughter

and make your family funnier than My Family.

Which shouldn't be too hard!

Hello, children of Britain.

The government of this country has decided that,

in order to bring us further in line with European flatulent simulations,

as of 6 o'clock this evening, farts are officially no longer funny.

You may also know farts by the name trumps, grunts,

pup-pups, trouser thunderclaps or gusset frighteners.

In particular, we at the Guff Office have decided

that laughing at the following noises is right out. This one. THHRPP

This one as well... TTHHHRRRPP

And especially... THHRAPP

LAUGHTER Oi, you! Stop that!

The cameraman is laughing. You are not allowed to laugh at farts.

-Oh, come on, it's not six o'clock yet.

-THRRRP

Um, that wasn't me. I must have leant on one of the buttons.

He done a guff!

They hated me.

Especially the little boy with the sailor suit and the feathers.

And it's only two hours before we've got to perform.

Little Howard, I think I'm holding you back.

I think I should resign and leave you to go on and make it without me.

And the winner of the award for best animated six-year-old comedian

not lumbered with a real human man is...

Little Howard!

Wow, I wasn't expecting this at all.

I'd like to thank, um..

Well, no-one, cos I done it all by myself! Ha-ha!

OK, bye then.

-I knew you'd say that, Little Howard. What?

-Not really.

I'm joking.

I need you, Big Howard.

I don't think I'd be as funny without you up there on stage with me.

That's very nice of you, Little Howard.

I must say I really appreciate your support.

Having someone as unfunny as you makes me look like a comedy genius.

-What?!

-Come on, there's someone I want you to meet.

His job is making university students funny.

Blimey, he must be good!

Hello, this is Big Howard. We need you to make him funny, please.

Hello, I'm Oliver Double,

I'm a lecturer in stand-up comedy at Kent University.

Er, normally,

somebody would be making a joke about my name about now.

I can't think of one.

Right, OK, I think perhaps you do need a bit of help.

Why do people make jokes about Oliver Oliver?

No, it's Oliver Double.

-That's what I said.

-You said Oliver Twice.

No, I said Oliver Oliver, but it's Oliver Twice, is it?

OK, OK, OK.

So, what makes you think you're not very funny, then, Big Howard?

Well, Kenny Bigtime said I wasn't.

You don't want to listen to him. Comedy's completely subjective -

what you find funny I might not find funny at all.

On stage, he always gets all the laughs and I never get anything.

That's not true. That thing you did with my name -

-Little Howard was saying all the funny stuff...

-Was I?

Yes, but it wouldn't have been the same without you there.

The thing is, you're a classic double act.

You mean, like the Chuckle Brothers,

the best comedy duo in the whole wide world?

Yeah, or Laurel and Hardy or Morecambe and Wise.

One of them's more important, and that's the straight man.

The straight man feeds lines to the funny man so he can make them funny.

Because he's more important, he's really sort of bossy

and that's why it's funny when the funnyman says something

cheeky about him cos it brings him down a peg or two.

But even though they argue, you can tell they like each other.

But how are we gonna get Kenny Bigtime to like me?

There are lots of ways of being funny.

You've just got to find one that works for you.

There's observational comedy, where your observe something about

everyday life, a little detail that people don't normally notice.

Like, hey, you know when you share a flat with the cartoon boy...

Well, that might be a little bit particular to you.

Then there's surreal comedy, where you create amazing, bizarre images.

That's not very surreal, he does that all the time.

Then there's slapstick, physical comedy,

getting hit with custard pies

and bashed around the head with a funny object.

No, I don't really think... Ow! Ow!

Sorry, just illustrating the point.

Grumpy.

Do you think you could teach me all of those things in...

just under half an hour?

I don't know about that. Most of it is about finding out about yourself,

bits of your personality that you can make bigger

and share with an audience.

You should stop worrying about what's

going to make Kenny Bigtime laugh

and just think about what's going to make YOU laugh.

-Mmm. Thank you very much, Oliver Oliver.

-No, it's Oliver Double.

-Double Oliver Double Double?

-Yeah, stop that now.

The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.

On the fortnight I booked a holiday there.

Mickey the monkey made a mess in the manager's mug.

Are you ready for the biggest performance of your life?

-No pressure.

-I'm doing my vocal warm-ups.

Kenny kicked a kipper and got clobbered by the cobbler.

Hiya, lads! I just popped backstage to wish you good luck, Big Howard,

with your final performance ever.

Don't listen to him, Big Howard!

Bertie biffed a big baguette and bought a bag of biscuits!

Big Howard is going to be hilarious.

Well, there's a first time for everything.

Oh, it's time for you to go on.

-Don't worry, I'll introduce you!

-No!

-No!

No, in the name of...!

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Ladies and gentlemen, and nasty little kids.

Please welcome a sensation

that's about to take the world of comedy by storm,

and the big fat worthless loser who always hangs around with him.

Please clap your hands and share your breakfast for Little Howard!

And some bloke.

Er, hello, everybody.

Erm, my name's Big Howard, and this is, erm...

Oh, erm, what's your name?

-Little Howard!

-I knew that.

And we are the world's first human...

-Oh, I know this!

-Human cartoon double act, what are you doing?!

I'm sorry, I'm just really nervous!

Snap out of it, Big Howard, don't lose it now.

That'll sort 'em.

Oh!

Keep it together, Big Howard, last time they threw pineapples.

BOOING

OK...

Two monkeys walk into a restaurant.

Er... And the service is really bad...

Little Howard, where are you doing, Little Howard?

Little Howard, get down! What are you doing?!

Don't hit me with a mattress, this is a really important show!

I'm just trusting my comedy instincts, Big Howard.

Do not pelt me with fish, I will not be pelted with fish

in front of paying members of the public.

Stop that. Ow! Do not pelt me with fish!

If you insist...

Ha-ha-ha-ha! Right on the pecker!

LAUGHTER

Thank you very much, a round of applause for Big Howard!

We are Big Howard and Little Howard!

Thank you. Thank you...Oh, dear!

Hey, that were right funny, that. You're a proper belter, you.

Who, me?

Well, both of you. I get it now.

He gets on your nerves and you lose your temper. Hilarious!

And then he hits you with stuff.

That's called slapstick. That is brilliant.

Big Howard doesn't have to leave?!

-Course not, he can stay - on one condition.

-What?

You let me have a go at hitting you with stuff.

Get me a great big mallet. And cue the music!

Oh, for heaven's sake. Blimmin' Americans.

# There are many things that you could do in this old world

# Every life must find its own true path

# But please do take a moment as your fortunes are unfurled

# You could try to make somebody laugh!

# Slapstick, slapstick You may not approve

# But it can make me laugh so hard that I can hardly move

# Slapstick, slapstick, You may not agree

# But you haven't seen a cartoon monkey fall out of a tree

# You can try some witty banter, you can hit them with a pun

# You can shock them with the truth or with a lie

# You can double your entendre, cos doing it is fun

# But if in doubt, just hit them with a pie!

# Slapstick, slapstick You may think it's coarse

# But you haven't seen a fat man falling off a horse

# Slapstick, slapstick You may think it's base

# But you will not be laughing when this pie goes in your face!

# You can give a man a fish, he will eat for a day

# Teach him how to fish, he'll eat for life

# But if you hit him with a fish he will not know what to say

# But you will really entertain his wife!

# Slapstick, slapstick, you may think it's base

# But you will not be laughing when this pie goes in your face

# Slapstick, slapstick, you may not approve

# But it can make me laugh so hard that I can hardly move!

# Slapstick, slapstick, you may think it's coarse

# But you haven't seen a fat man falling off a horse

# Slapstick, slapstick, you may not agree

# But it can make me laugh so hard I do a bit of wee! #

LOUD LAUGHTER

So, where do we sign?

I can say that, this is kids' telly. OK, if you insist.

You are without reservation the greatest biggest pile of...

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]