What the Gibbing Flump Are You On About Doris? Little Howard's Big Question

MUSIC: "Crocodile Rock" by Elton John

# I remember when rock was young Me and Susie had... #

-Hello, Fat Harry.

-Oh!

Oh, clumsy.

Still, as they say, no point crying over spilt milk.

Ah! Doris, what are you doing here?

Ask no questions, I'll tell no lies, Fat Harry.

My name is not Fat Harry!

It's Fat Howard. Big Howard. Where's she gone?

Big Howard, you've got breakfast cereal on your face.

-Oh!

-And, and, a little bit of milk on the floor.

And, on the counter.

And on the cupboards.

-And, oh, there's a bit of cereal on the recycling box.

-Yes, thank you.

-Thanks for the job, by the way.

-Aargh!

Never look a gift horse in the mouth, as they say.

-Do they? Who are they?

-What job? And why are you here?

And why are you talking in proverbs?

-Where's she gone?

-Never mind that.

-Why does Doris talk so funny?

-Well...

Well, you can't teach an old dog new tricks.

No more than a leopard can change his spots, so they say.

See? Now she's going on about a trick where leopards

change into spotty old dogs.

No, it's a proverb. It goes, "You can't teach an old dog new tricks,".

And it means, once someone gets in the habit of doing something

exactly the same, week after week after week,

it's very hard to get them to change. KLAXON BLARES

I, Little Howard, have come up with another one of my Big Questions!

What the gibbing flump are you on about, Doris?

MARACAS RATTLE

Oh, Fat Harry's fallen over!

I do wish you wouldn't do that.

And I do wish you wouldn't call me Fat Harry!

HE CHUCKLES

RADIO: 'Good morning, children.

'Pensioners in Purley are celebrating today.

'Doris has lost her maracas.'

KLAXON BLARES

# I love monkeys, I love monkeys

# All those happy little Chirpy little monkeys

# With their tails and their bananas

# I think that if we all Were monkeys

# We'd have happier mananas

# Give me monkeys, lots of monkeys

# For you know that it's the monkeys I adore

# If my love said That she did not love those monkeys

# I wouldn't love her any more! #

Thank you very much!

Did you know, that there's an old Filipino saying,

from the Philippines, where the Filipinos live,

a monkey dressed up, is still a monkey.

Well, that's not always true.

Is it, Monkey Three?

HE SNARLS

You see? Monkeys don't dress up.

So, if you see a monkey dressed up,

it's probably a crocodile trying a bit too hard.

HE SNARLS

What kind of Big Question is, what the gibbing flump are you on about,

Doris? What about, what's the meaning of life?

Or, where do babies come from?

Oh, those are good ones!

No, no, they're not. Never ask me those questions.

Come on, let's answer it.

Why does Doris talk like that?

-And who's this "they" she keeps going on about?

-You know Doris.

She's always trying something new. Maybe today she's just decided

to speak in epigrams, proverbs and maxims.

You've answered something that doesn't make any sense,

with something else that doesn't make any sense.

-You should be a teacher.

-Oh!

No, maxims, epigrams and proverbs are all the same thing.

They're traditional phrases that convey wisdom or advice.

Well, to answer my Big Question, we need to explain all of them.

I'll help you explain one. I'm afraid a big bill came in today.

-And I've got to find a way of paying it.

-What's the bill for?

Um... Never mind that. Let's, let's find out about maxims!

Can you remember any proverbs she said?

Well, she said something about

looking for a gift in a horse's mouth.

Never look a gift horse in the mouth. Come with me.

OK, imagine I gave you this horse for Christmas.

It wouldn't be much of a surprise.

I'd know what that was, if I saw it wrapped up under a Christmas tree.

Obviously I wouldn't wrap up the horse. That would be silly.

I'd put it in a box and I'd wrap that up.

You'd have to poke holes in it, so he could breath.

I wouldn't put it in a cardboard box.

I'd put it in a horse box. Anyway, we're straying from the point.

If I gave you this as a gift, a gift horse, if you like...

-you shouldn't look in its mouth.

-Why not?

-Well...

Shall I do my bit, now?

-Yup.

-You can tell a horse's age by examining, the shape and features

-of, its teeth.

-So, if I gave you...

-So, if he gave you a horse,

and you looked in its mouth, that suggests you'd be trying

to tell how old it was, which also determines how much it cost.

-Do you want a look at me mouth?

-No, we're fine.

I see. So, you're getting me a cheap,

-stinky, old toothless horse next Christmas, then?

-No. Sorry.

-Really!

-Charming!

-So, what the saying means, if I gave you a horse,

or anything, you should be grateful.

-Even if it's not perfect.

-Just a quick shufty at my gums?

-I'm very friendly.

-We haven't got time. We need to find more proverbs.

-Thanks.

-Now, are you sure I can't tempt you

to have a quick squizz at me equine bicuspids?

I would be getting something else, for Christmas as well, wouldn't I?

Maybe a train set? Or at least a toothbrush, for old Stinky Breath.

I'm not getting you a horse for Christmas, Little Howard.

I know. Why don't you go and get a pad and pen,

-and write down all the proverbs you can remember?

-Oh, good idea.

Right. That should keep him busy.

Now, where's Doris? Oh! MARACAS RATTLE, HOOVER WHINES

Mind your feet!

Oh, I'm sorry I was late this morning, ducky.

But you know what they say, better late than never.

Patience is a virtue.

The best things in life come to those who wait. And all that.

Doris, why is it exactly...? What are you late for?

-Why are you here?

-Well, your typewriter phoned me up.

-My what?

-You know, the one with the wig and the twin set.

Oh, my computer...!

HOOVER STOPS Oh, my, my computer.

-That's the fish. Isn't she nice?

-Er...

I had a calculator once. True story. Anyway, your computer rang me up.

And asked me to be the cleaning lady. And I thought,

-"well, the money's quite reasonable,"...

-Right. Mother!

HOOVER WHINES

ELECTRONIC COUGHING

I'm fine. Thanks for asking(!)

I didn't. Why have you asked Doris to be our cleaning lady?

Well, I went to the doctor's.

And he said I can't do the housework any more. Because of my condition.

-What condition?

-Apparently, according to his expert medical opinion,

-I'm a computer!

-Never(!)

Ridiculous, isn't it? I've asked him for a second opinion.

-But I am taking it easy for now. Just to be on the safe side.

We've had a really big bill come in.

I really can't afford to pay a cleaning lady.

We're not paying her much. I've written her a watertight contract.

But, if after all the hard work that I've put into it, you still want to

-get rid of her, just write her a letter.

-Right. Well, get me a pen.

-And give her six month's notice.

-What?!

-Big Howard, we need to answer my Big Question.

-I'm sorry,

but now I've not only got to pay for this bill for my glass...

For this bill. But now I've got to pay a prattling cleaning lady

for the next six months.

-Ah!

-He's in a better mood than he was this morning.

-Mother, where do proverbs come from?

-Oh, from all over the place, dear.

Some come from the Bible, and other ancient manuscripts.

Brilliant! So, they're like clues to a treasure map!

-Are they?

-Yeah!

-What if Doris and her epi-grannies...

-Uh, epigrams.

What if Doris is the key to a magnificent treasure?

That will help Big Howard pay his bill.

-Little Howard, Mother, I've made a decision.

-What?

-What?

I've got a plan to make money to pay that bill.

BOTH: Are you going to get a job?

Oh, good heavens, no. No, I'm going to make a hit pop record!

I think we better stick to the

-all-proverbs-are-clues-to-treasure plan, Little Howard.

-Yeah.

Sounds more likely to work.

One sec. Yes, I just had a quick read of the entire internet,

and I found this book. It's called, The D Finchley Code.

It puts forward a theory that all proverbs

-are written by an ancient secret society.

-So, what we've got to do

to pay Big Howard's bill, is work out what loads more proverbs mean,

-follow the clues and find the treasure!

-Sounds plausible.

# Can we run

# With the antelope?

As my affection... #

That's ridiculous. Antelope, for goodness sake!

MUSIC: "Crocodile Rock" by Elton John

Elton, give me inspiration. HARP PLAYS

# Can we run

# With the bison Of my affection...? #

-Thanks, Elton, yeah!

-Nice shrine, Fat Harry.

I love that Elton John. Now, you carry on. Don't mind about me.

My name is Fat Harry. No, Big Harry, Big Fat Harry?

Reg Dwight? I don't know what my name is.

-Don't worry, whatever your name is. You won't know I'm here.

-Thank you.

# Can we...? # DUSTER HITS KEYBOARD TUNELESSLY

Yeah, great. Yup, lovely. You're as quiet as a mouse(!)

So, what's that big bill you've got to pay for?

-Is it for them fancy glasses?

-No, none of your business.

Yes, you're quite right.

You know what they say.

You shouldn't air your dirty laundry in public.

-Oh, really? My second clue!

-No. What, what are you talking about?

You didn't hear anything about glasses, did you?

I'm just going to get the laundry basket.

No, no, under no circumstances! Don't you dare! Come back here!

Oh, they're all the same, those boys. Mucky pups.

Roll up, roll up! Come and see Big Howard's pants. Look at that pair!

It looks like a lorry's reversed over them! Roll up, roll up!

-Come and look at a grown man's girdle.

-What are you doing?!

Don't air your dirty laundry in public means you shouldn't blab

about your private life in front of people you don't know very well!

Oh, OK. I'll do that as well. Attention! Attention!

Big Howard bites his toenails while watching Hannah Montana!

Also, Big Howard reads Harry Potter on the toilet!

And he hasn't even finished The Philosopher's Stone,

even though he's always in there for about 40 minutes!

This saying isn't true. You SHOULD air your dirty laundry in public.

-It's great fun!

-No, it is very embarrassing indeed! Point proven!

Can we, can we please go home?

MUSIC: "Sound Of The Underground" by Girls Aloud

-What was all that about?!

-Shush, I've got to work out these clues!

Right, so a load of laundry, this pair of old pants.

And don't look a gift horse in the mouth. So, horse poo.

-Oh, that's disgusting!

-A-ha!

Where you going?!

What are you doing? I'm supposed to be writing a hit pop record!

Oh, it's a worm! I'm going to find the treasure in this bit of park!

-What? What treasure? Why this bit?

-Cos this is the dog-walking bit.

-And that's where there's loads of poo!

-Oh!

I can't find any treasure here, though. Just loads of old worms.

Well, you know what they say. The early bird catches the worm.

Brilliant! Wait a minute,

what use is a proverb that tells birds when they should catch worms?

What it really means is, if you get up early,

you'll get loads of stuff done. I got up at seven o'clock,

and I've already written a fantastic song about antelopes, and you've...

-um, dug a hole in a pooey field.

-I see...!

Little Howard, what's all this about clues and...? Aargh!

Ow...!

So, the next clue is this worm.

-You've got a parcel.

-That'll be the D Finchley Code.

Mother ordered it for me. It'll help us decode more proverbs.

This book looks a bit dodgy to me.

-You know, you can't judge a book by its cover.

-Shush, Doris!

-We need to find more proverbs!

-How is she doing that?!

Is she a wizard?

You beauties! You're going to give me all the song writing power

of pop legend Elton John!

# Love is like an otter

# An otter in the wind... #

-Where did you get those glasses from?

-What glasses?

-How are you people doing that?!

-Those fancy, spangly ones!

I definitely didn't buy them off a pop memorabilia auction site,

for £5,000. And don't even go suggesting that I did!

OK... Erm, that's a very nice song, Big Howard.

Really? Love is like an otter, an otter in the wind?

Yeah, I'm very happy with the tune, but I can't get the lyrics right.

And lyrics are really important. MARACAS RATTLE

Well, you said a bucket-load there, Fat Harry.

-They say the pen is mightier than the sword.

-Do they?

I don't know how you put up with him.

# It seems to me you live your life

# Like an otter in the wind...! #

En garde! I challenge you to a duel! Pick a Biro, any Biro.

Oh, I'll have a red one!

Prove to me that your pen is mightier than my sword!

No, that's not what it means!

It means words are more persuasive than actions!

I know what they should call you - Big COWARD!

-Geronimo!

-Aaaargh!

Yah!

Aaargh!

Yeeaaargh!

Zainab Badawe!

THEY GRUNT

-Nice battle cry, by the way.

-Oh, thank you.

Hai Karate!

Hang on, this isn't fair!

Come on, I can't strike until I see the blacks of your nibs!

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Whack! Take that!

New Kids On the Block!

'Who will win the epic struggle between sword and great big pencil?

'Stay tuned to Little Howard's Big Question to find out.

'In the meantime, you can discover if a fool and his money

'are soon parted... during these advertisements!'

'They say it takes two to tango. Well, not any more.

'How To Do The One-Man Tango is a new magazine,

'for the man who wants to tango alone.

'From first steps to - ooh! -first aid.

'From designing a costume to getting a life,

'How To Do The One-Man Tango builds up into a valuable resource,

'until issue three, when you won't be able to find it anywhere.'

Hang on a minute... Ha-ha!

BIG HOWARD CHUCKLES

Well, that seemed pretty conclusive.

It's official. The rubber on the end of the massive pencil

-is mightier than the cartoon sword.

-Anyway, I can't hang around here.

-My records won't write themselves!

-I think they probably could.

# I got a really, really Really big pencil

# And I'm going to draw you A big picture

# Of a really, really Really big pencil

# Drawing you A slightly smaller picture. #

Genius, absolutely brilliant...!

You know, they say a picture paints a thousand words.

-Do they? That's fascinating(!)

-Oh, they have been busy(!)

I think it's marvellous that you're writing a pop song

to pay for those ridiculously expensive Elton John glasses.

-Shh! Be quiet.

-I mean, they say actions speak louder than words.

-Do they, really?

-Wait a minute, make up your mind, they!

Which is better, action or pictures? Are they both better than words?

We've got to test it, or we'll never find the treasure!

What, what's this treasure you keep on going on about? Little Howard!

I've forgotten the song now!

We have heard that actions speak louder than words.

But we've also heard that a picture paints a thousand words.

But which is better, actions or pictures?

To start Little Howard will test a picture paints 1000 words.

You guess the proverb I mean.

But I'm only allowed to communicate through drawing. Start the clock!

-Bucket.

-Oh, yeah, OK.

-No, I... Oh, I can't talk.

-Chef.

-Gordon Ramsay!

-It's a proverb!

LITTLE HOWARD MUMBLES EXCITEDLY

THEY ALL SHOUT AT ONCE

-Soup!

-Water!

-Sounds, sounds like... Ah! A-hah, ha...!

-Pepper.

-Sounds like...

Did someone say, "Too many chefs spoil the broth,"? Hurray!

-Stop the clock.

-You told them! They only got half of it!

That was three minutes and seven seconds. But you did cheat.

-But what does it mean?

-Too many cooks spoil the broth,

means that some things are best done by a few people,

Rather than loads of people. For example,

if you got all the chefs off TV and they all tried to cook

one dish, it would be chaos. HARP PLAYS

Hello, kids, we're going to make some pukka, healthy broth.

I'll give you pukka, you BLEEP!

Mind your language, or I'll smack you round the head with Percy Pepper!

Come on, then! I'll take you all on! Let's have ya!

Ooh! Could we just pour some cream in?

-Blimey! I see what they mean.

-Right, now it's my turn.

I've got to try and prove actions speak louder than words, so...

So I've got to try and get across a proverb using the power of mime.

Start the clock! Um...

ALL: Eight words!

Fish!

-Water.

-Swimming.

Fishes swimming!

ALL: Sounds like.

Sounds like "sea"!

Sea!

-ALL: Sounds like...20.

-20!

-ALL: Plenty!

-Plenty!

ALL: First word!

ALL: Sounds like... THEY ALL SHOUT AT ONCE

-Bear!

-Bear!

-Bear!

Fishing in the sea.

ALL: Sounds like.

ALL: Fourth word...

ALL: Sounds like...four.

Sounds like "four".

-Poor!

-Sore!

More! More!

-There are plenty more fish in the sea.

-Whoo!

-Stop the clock!

-OK. Well, they guessed yours in four minutes 22.

But they guessed mine in three minutes seven. So that means I win,

and pictures do paint a thousand words!

You cheated. You said the answer! They only got half the answer!

-Just showing a little bit of initiative.

-That's a draw.

-If anything it's a draw. I win, or it's a draw. Your choice.

-OK,

-it's a draw.

-Thank you. Thank you for your help, everybody.

-Bye!

-Thank you. I did win, didn't I? I did win, he just cheated.

Now, then. This one's of me in Rome, doing as the Romans do.

-MOTHER:

-What a lovely toga, dear.

Oh, and this is my Hadrian's Wall.

Oh, and this one's me having my cake.

And this one's of me eating it.

So, plenty more fish in the sea, must be...

Well, cod, represented by this cod.

That's a plaice.

Plaice is a load of poo. It's a bit untidy but that's not fair.

No, it's got to be cod. But what does it mean, though?

I thought there weren't enough fish in sea!

There's plenty more fish in the sea is another proverb.

You say it when someone splits up with their girlfriend or boyfriend.

It means you'll meet someone else. There'll be others, which is true,

because 26% of men and 21% of women in Britain are single

and looking for love. The top dating websites in the country

-have over four million members.

-Oh! How do you know?

Um... Shut up.!

-Oh!

-What?

-Well, you've nearly got it!

You're missing "old", as in...

you can't teach an old dog new tricks.

And actions and pictures are equally powerful,

so, you stick in an equals sign. And...

Oh, yes. Well, that's because I say so. Right?

"Code equals a load of old poo."

-Blimey! How did you do that?!

-Take a look at the back flap.

-Oh, have you got a mirror?

-Of the book!

It's you!

Well, my full name is Doris Finchley.

And I wrote that book a couple of years ago,

when they'd publish any old rubbish if it had an ancient code in it.

But what about the treasure?

Well, I made loads of money out of it!

But I'm afraid I made it all up.

So, as it says here, the code is a load of old poo.

So, everything I've been doing over the last half hour,

is completely useless?!

-The most important thing is, we've learnt a lot.

-Well, whoop-dee-doo(!)

-I'm so angry I could sing!

-ROCK INTRO PLAYS

# What the gibbing flump Are you on about, Doris?

# What's that they say About a gift horse?

# Oh, I never really understand A word you say

# I guess it doesn't really matter Anyway

# Oh, Doris

# Yeah, Doris

# What the blooming flip Are you on about, Doris?

# They say you can't see the trees For all of the forest

Oh, it never really Made a lot of sense to me

# Using all those words From ancient history, oh, Doris,

# Yeah, Doris

# How do you like them apples?

# They don't fall far from the tree

# An apple a day Keeps the doctor away

# But that never really Made a lot of sense to me

# Oh, Doris

# Mm, Doris

# Oh, what the flipping heck Are you gabbing on, Doris?

# You must have really confused Your late husband Morris

# They say the early bird Catches the early worm

# Your Morris must have been Really concerned about Doris

# Yeah, Doris

# What you taking 'bout, Doris?

# Oh, Doris

# Crazy old Doris. #

Just took delivery of another platinum disc.

And a great big bag of royalty money!

Now we can definitely afford my Elton John glasses.

-And about my wages?

-Certainly, my good woman.

How much remuneration did you agree with Mother?

-£1,000.

-How much?!

-An hour.

-What?!

-She's done us a watertight contract.

-Mother!

Oh, that looks about right.

-Same time next week?

-No!

-£1,000 an hour?!

We're not giving you a reference!

Well, at least I've still got my Elton John glasses.

-Oh, no, you haven't!

-Elton John!

-Don't take my name in vain.

I warned you, if you didn't pay up for my glasses.

I'd come down on you like a ton of platform glitter boots.

Now, give 'em here.

-Ow!

-What's more, I'm giving you negative feedback.

And that's plastic.

Monkey-doos!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd