Can Father Christmas Star in Our Nativity Play? Little Howard's Big Question


Can Father Christmas Star in Our Nativity Play?

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Transcript


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'Lo! What do you want?

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Oh, innkeeper!

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My wife Mary is fat with child,

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so I've lugged her all the way from Bethlehem on this rocking donkey.

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Let us into your inn, oh, innkeeper?

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The only rooms we have left, sir, are our king-size Park View Suites.

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-They're eight grand a night.

-Sire, I am but a lowly...

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-How much!?

-Stop the rehearsal!

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Roger, I've told you already.

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-Stick to the script!

-Come on!

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This material feels like it's 2,000 years old. It needs updating.

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Yeah! Instead of a donkey, could I ride into Bethlehem on a speedboat?

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No! No! And whatever he's about to say, no!

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It's the Bible! It doesn't need updating!

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I know exactly what this play needs!

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It needs tradition, like the classic productions!

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Who can forget St Andrew's Primary School Nativity 1981?

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It was full of seminal moments like when the angel wandered off

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into the audience to find their mummy

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cos their halo was too itchy.

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I want moments like that throughout this show.

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HORN

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I, Little Howard, have come up with another

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of my big questions!

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How can I get Father Christmas to star in our Nativity play?

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Come on, people! No-one's supposed to put their head through

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the stable door until act two!

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Read your scripts!

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# I love monkeys, I love monkeys

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# All those happy, little chirpy, little monkeys

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# With their tails and their bananas

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# I think that if we all were monkeys

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# We'd have happier mananas

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# Give me monkeys lots of monkeys

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# For you know that it's the monkeys I adore

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# If my love said that she did not love those monkeys

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# I wouldn't love her any more! # Thank you very much!

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We might have overdone it with the sleigh bells.

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It's a Christmas special! It's not possible to overdo the sleigh bells.

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Suppose so.

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That wasn't the sleigh bells,

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he's eaten too many mince pies.

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There are mince pies? Ho-ho-ho!

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Don't get me wrong, I like the ending where we all sing

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Away In A Manger and the star falls on the shepherd's head.

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But imagine how much more impact it would have if,

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while we were singing it,

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Father Christmas smashed through the wall, shouted,

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"Ho! Ho! Ho!" and wished us all a very merry Christmas!

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That's not what happens in a traditional Nativity play!

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And where's the true meaning of Christmas? Hmm?

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Exactly! Where's the true meaning of Christmas?

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Getting loads of presents.

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Precisely! Getting loads...

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Getting presents isn't the meaning of Christmas.

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Getting loads and loads of gift vouchers?

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The true meaning of Christmas is Jesus's message that we should

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all be nice to each other and...

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Er, overeating.

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Right, it's a done deal.

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I've just ordered 1,000 posters and got every TV executive

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and theatre booker in town to come to what I...

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I mean we, are now calling

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Santa Goes To Bethlehem: The Nativity II - Redux.

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What does redux mean?

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No-one knows, it just sounds good.

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If we get Santa on board,

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we can transfer to any theatre in the West End and get a TV deal.

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-Directed by Bog Howard?

-What do you expect?

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-I got it designed, set and printed in two minutes!

-Brilliant!

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All we need to do is find Father Christmas and convince him to sign.

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Hello, my good elf. We need to see Father Christmas.

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Oh, you do, do you?

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Well, you'll have to join the queue like everyone else.

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But there isn't a queue.

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There's no-one at the front, everyone's at the back.

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It's about a mile in that direction.

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I just want to see if he'd be in our Nativity play tomorrow night.

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Tomorrow night!?

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That's Christmas Eve!

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Or E-Day, as we call it in the Chrimbo biz. He's got to deliver

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all the presents in the world!

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Any idea how long that takes?

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And Blitzen's got 'ooping cough.

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I just want to ask him...

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Well, he's not here!

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Eight kids have been sick in his beard this morning,

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he's had to take his hat to the cleaners.

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-But if we could just...

-No!

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Go on, get out of it! Scram! Hop it!

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You flippin' kids.

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Oh, and merry Christmas!

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Come on, focus, focus, focus.

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Eyes on me.

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It turns out, surprise, surprise, that Father Christmas is too busy

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to be in our Nativity play on Christmas Eve.

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So we're going back to my traditional version of the tale.

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I'd like to go from the top of scene four.

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Positions, please!

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Right. If Father Christmas won't sign,

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I'll have to find a way to persuade him.

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No more Mr Nice Pigeon!

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Who's Mr Nice Pigeon?

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How am I going to get Father Christmas to star

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in our Nativity play?

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Well, I'm conducting a letter writing campaign to him

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-and you could write, too.

-What are you asking him for?

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I'm asking for a lot of dollies this Christmas.

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And ponies, and pink shoes with twinkles on,

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and book of sumo wrestling moves.

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-What?

-I'm putting it all in writing,

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so Father Christmas doesn't forget anything.

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Not one single thing! Look.

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Um... That's...

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Lovely.

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Focus, focus! Where's our Joseph

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and why's that innkeeper got a screen and a projector?!

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Shut it, flappy. I'm going to

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blackmail the big FC so this show makes sackloads of Christmas wonga.

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Unless the whiskery wobble-bottom does the play,

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I will present this live expose of his dark and murky past.

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Has Father Christmas got a dark and murky past?

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Probably not, but he does go under a lot of aliases

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so he must be hiding something. Have a look at this.

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The first sightings of the man we know as Father Christmas

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was in Turkey 1,700 years ago.

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He was a bishop called Saint Nicolas who spent his time putting coins

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in people's shoes.

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The great big weirdo. In Holland he went under the name of Sinter Klause.

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In America, he told them his name was Santa Claus.

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And in Britain he's had several names, Sir Christmas, Lord Christmas

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and, finally, Father Christmas.

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Don't go trying to tell me there's nothing dodgy about... Ow! Ah!

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You leave Father Christmas alone!

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Take that you 'orrible pigeon!

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He brings me dollies!

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If you've all finished I'd like to run through Joseph's crucial

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final speech to Mary,

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during which one of the angels tries to do a handstand,

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everyone sees her knickers and she knocks over half the set.

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Little Howard, where are you going?!

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I've got to write a letter to Father Christmas asking him

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very nicely to be in our play!

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Ending a Nativity play with Father Christmas

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is a terrible idea, you ask anyone!

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Ending a Nativity play with Father Christmas is a fabulous idea!

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Give us a kiss.

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No. Big Howard says it's not traditional.

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Well, at least he's not coming on and having a poo.

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Well, there is that... What?

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Nativity scenes in the Catalan region

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of Spain have a Caganer in the corner.

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Ca-what-er?

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I... What? I...

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Yes. They have the usual manger, shepherds and three wise men.

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But they also have a small statue squatting down having a poo.

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But... Don't people complain?

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On the contrary, it's hugely popular.

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When the official Nativity scene

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in Barcelona missed the Caganer out, locals kicked up a colossal stink...

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so to speak.

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The next year he was back, at a respectful distance from

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the baby Jesus, happily parking his paella.

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That is amazing!

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But Big Howard isn't too keen on letting

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Father Christmas be in our Nativity.

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I don't think he's going to go for a pooing gnome.

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Santa has only...

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Hey, what are you... Hey! No! Get off!

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Help!

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Is there something wrong with your face?

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No. Why are you dressed like that?

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Father Christmas won't see me at

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his grotto and he hasn't answered my letter yet.

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And I did sent it 15 minutes ago!

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So, I'm going to the North Pole to see him myself!

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Oh, well, there might not be any need for that because erm...

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-DOORBELL RINGS

-I wonder who that can be!

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Look! It's Father Christmas!

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Ho! Ho!

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HE COUGHS

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Er, ho!

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Oh, yeah. Three hos, isn't it? Sorry.

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Hello, Father Christmas.

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You look a bit more skinny and ratty than usual.

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Turns out I'm mince pie intolerant.

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I only have to have a single mince pie and I'm on the loo all afternoon.

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Charming(!)

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-And why's your beard made out of paper?

-Paper beard?

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Oh, they're all the rage in Laptop-land.

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-(Lapland.)

-Lapland!

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OK, "Father Christmas".

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Answer these three questions.

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What did I ask for for Christmas?

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Uh... Erm...

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-Fleas?

-What?!

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Sorry, no, I was mixing you up with that other

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boy that... wanted the fleas for Christmas.

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Oh! You want a banana!

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-COUGHS: Monkey!

-Ah! You want a cough!

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He wants a monkey for Christmas! For goodness sakes.

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Right. You're not doing brilliantly well. Question two.

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What colour is Rudolf's nose.

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Er...

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-Rudolf?

-Rudolf, your reindeer.

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-Ah! Brown.

-No.

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-Beige?

-No!

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-Fawn?

-He does have a lot of reindeer, to be fair.

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It's red! He's called Rudolf The Red Nosed Reindeer!

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-He's your reindeer.

-He does spend a lot of time facing the other way.

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I know what colour his bottom is. That is brown.

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-Well, taupe.

-Get out.

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Who was he?

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He's in my tae kwon do class.

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Right twonko, more like.

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PHONE RINGS

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Just trying to put a bit of magic in Christmas, it's fine...

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Hello? Big Howard, Little Howard house,

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Little Howard of the house speaking.

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Hello my titchy little chipolata!

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You know Christmas is a time for family?

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Yes.

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Well, go to Father Christmas's grotto in ten minutes, and you might

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just bump into a kind of half member of your family, sort of.

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Suffering Santa Clauses,

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isn't that Little Albert, Little Howard's evil half-brother, sort of?

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What's going to happen now? And what am I going to get for Christmas?

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I wanted a Wii. And luckily I've got time to have one.

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It's the commercial break.

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Do you have a special playmate this Christmas?

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If not, why not pester your parents or grandparents,

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or anyone you know with the cash to buy you My Little Dolly Doll?

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It's a little dolly with a big heart, and even bigger head.

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-Look at the size of that head, it's massive!

-Dollies!

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-Oh, no! She's back!

-Give me the dollies!

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Call the police!

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Dollies!

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We seem to be having technical difficulties with this ad break.

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Here's the other half of the programme you were watching.

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Little Albert! What are you doing here?

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I saw your poster and thought I

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-could help you track down Father Christmas.

-That's very nice of you.

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Well, it is Christmas.

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And it is part of a dastardly evil plan.

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Oh, good... Pardon?

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Nothing! I think you'll find the big plum pudding's in here.

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Why's the Elf tied up?

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He's training to become a bauble.

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Right, let's go and see Santa.

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ELF MUMBLES

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Hello?

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Father Christmas?

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Ah, Little Howard! Now, I've read your letters and...

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Oh... You two.

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Little Albert! Roger! What are you doing?

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Oh, now steady on, you two.

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Aagh, oh, ah...

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Oh, dear. I'm never going to get a monkey for Christmas now.

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Hello, Father Christmas.

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I'm a big fan, by the way. Love your work.

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Little Howard. There's a fine line between a "big fan" and "kidnapper"

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and you have just crossed it.

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I didn't want to tie you up, I just wanted you to give our

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Nativity play a bit more zing.

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-Oh, well, that's fine then.

-Really?

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Of course not!

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-I have nothing to do with the Nativity!

-Oh, please be in it!

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I just want you to deliver a message of goodwill to the audience.

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And to hold you to ransom for all the presents in the world!

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Yes, and to hold you to ransom... What?!

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The Pigeon and I have been talking.

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It seems a shame to just put you in a play, when we could

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keep you prisoner until I am given all the presents on the planet!

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Ha-ha-ha-ha!

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And some cash. I'd like some cash too.

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This is Father Christmas! Have some respect!

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I didn't think you'd play along, Little Howard.

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Walnut Whip!

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You see, Little Howard, I've never had a single Christmas present

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in all my wretched life.

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To be fair, you have been consistently very

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-naughty for as long as I can...

-Silence, Christmas!

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Pigeon, get the electronic video graphic camera recording device.

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I'll just use my phone.

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-Your telephone?

-My mobile.

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Have you been living under a rock for the last ten years?

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For part of the time, yes!

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Don't knock it till you've tried it, fatso!

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I'm not fat! I've just got big feathers.

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That's the problem with naughty people, they never get on.

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-More mince pies anyone?

-No, thanks, Mother, these are revolting.

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Oh! I meant to tell you, there's something

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been posted online that you might like to see.

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Greetings people of Earth!

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I, Little Albert,

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have captured Father Christmas,

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and a minor CBBC personality.

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To see them returned safely, I want all the Christmas presents

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in the world!

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-Ah-ha-ha-ha!

-And some cash.

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You must all put whatever Christmas presents are under your

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tree outside, to be collected by the squirrels of the world!

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And leave out some cash.

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Come on, dig deep. It is Christmas.

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If I don't receive your co-operation,

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I will be forced to...erm.

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Shave Father Christmas's beard off and reveal his secret identity!

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I don't have a secret identity.

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-I'm Father Christmas.

-Shut up!

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-Just...send me your presents, or else!

-And some...

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Will you shut up about the cash!

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Right.

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More tea, anyone?

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Presents, power and prisoners!

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This must be the best Christmas ever!

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Aw, isn't he sweet?!

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# Christmas comes but once a year

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# Unless you've got what I've got in here

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# Wrestle Santa to the ground

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# And you can have Christmas all year round

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# Knocking Rudolf from the skies

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# He'll have one red nose and two black eyes

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# If you see us two about Good King Wenceslas, look out!

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# Catch and cage Father Christmas

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# Tie him with your stockings to the wall

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# Catch and cage Father Christmas

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# Deck him first then deck the halls

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# Most kids won't need telling twice

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# Caging Father Christmas isn't very nice

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# It's not exactly mistletoe Let my Father Christmas go

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-# Catch and cage Father Christmas

-I knew it

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-# Tie him with your stockings to the wall

-Don't do it

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-# Catch and cage Father Christmas

-He'll be missed

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# This is going to put you on his naughty list

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# You're not showing reverence

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# He's probably good at self-defence

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# It's a time to give not take Don't you make this big mistake

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-# Catch and cage Father Christmas

-He won't let you

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-# Tie him with your stockings to the wall

-I'll bet you

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-# Catch and cage Father Christmas

-He'll get you

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# Deck him first then deck the halls... #

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Look here, let me out of here!

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I've got several billion chimneys to get down!

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I thought he was supposed to be jolly?

0:18:090:18:11

Gum ya beak up, beardface.

0:18:110:18:14

I know, if we cover his cage up he might go to sleep.

0:18:140:18:18

I'm not a bloomin' budgerigar! What's this...?

0:18:180:18:21

Put that... Oh... HE SNORES

0:18:210:18:24

LOUD SMASH

0:18:260:18:28

-Big Howard!

-Give me back my dollies!

0:18:300:18:34

Blimey! And I thought I was feral!

0:18:340:18:38

Wallop him, Big Howard! Crush his beak!

0:18:400:18:43

Push his stubby little nose back!

0:18:430:18:46

I'll spank his bottom with your face!

0:18:460:18:52

Oh, no, Howard...no!

0:18:560:19:00

Stop it, ow!

0:19:000:19:01

-Ow!

-How did you know where we were?

0:19:010:19:05

Mother remembered where you were last time she had

0:19:050:19:07

to rescue you from Little Albert.

0:19:070:19:09

Oh! Father Christmas is in the cage.

0:19:090:19:11

Let him out quick so he can deliver all the presents!

0:19:110:19:16

-He's escaped! The hairy swine!

-How did he do that?

0:19:160:19:19

He's Father Christmas, you twonk! He's magic!

0:19:190:19:22

Haven't you three got a nativity play to be in about...three minutes ago?

0:19:220:19:28

Arrgh!

0:19:280:19:30

But who can play the Innkeeper as well as Roger?

0:19:300:19:33

Pretty much anyone. Mother, you'll do, come on, quick!

0:19:330:19:37

Dollies! Do-do-do-do-do...

0:19:370:19:41

Hello, my name's Arabella.

0:19:410:19:43

-Hello, my name's Miranda.

-Come on.

0:19:430:19:47

# The little Lord Jesus Asleep on the hay. #

0:19:470:19:55

-Bravo! Excellent!

-Father Christmas!

0:20:070:20:11

Hello, everyone!

0:20:110:20:13

What a marvellous show!

0:20:130:20:14

I particularly liked the joke

0:20:140:20:17

where the wise man brought Frankenstein instead of frankincense.

0:20:170:20:22

ALL LAUGH

0:20:220:20:24

Who's Frankincense?

0:20:240:20:25

Oh, dear.

0:20:250:20:28

Anyway, I just popped by on my travels to say,

0:20:280:20:32

thank you all for saving me, and also to remind you of

0:20:320:20:38

the Christmas message of goodwill to all.

0:20:380:20:41

A time for being with loved ones.

0:20:410:20:45

It is not, and I repeat not, about coming to my grotto,

0:20:450:20:51

bundling me into a sack, and holding me to ransom for cash.

0:20:510:20:59

And also, Merry Christmas!

0:20:590:21:02

Am I forgiven?

0:21:080:21:11

-I think so.

-Do I get Dollies?

0:21:110:21:13

You get dollies and some counselling.

0:21:130:21:17

You have issues.

0:21:170:21:18

What's going to happen to Little Albert and Roger?

0:21:180:21:21

Don't worry, I've sorted out those two.

0:21:210:21:24

Oh, and one more thing. Ho Ho Ho!

0:21:240:21:28

# Well, I wish it could be Christmas every day

0:21:280:21:33

# When the kids start singing and the band begins to play... #

0:21:350:21:40

How many of these have we got to do?

0:21:420:21:45

80 million. And that's just for Little Susan.

0:21:450:21:48

I want 'em done by the end of November,

0:21:480:21:50

or we'll cram you full of chestnuts.

0:21:500:21:51

I always wondered how he did it.

0:21:510:21:54

Are you still technically an elf at that size?

0:21:540:21:56

Shut up and get stitching.

0:21:560:21:59

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