Can Big Howard Live Without His Mobile Phone? Little Howard's Big Question

87, 86, 82. 23...

Two, one... Coming, ready or not!

-MOBILE PHONE PLAYS:

-# I'm every woman It's all in... #

Oh, Roger!

Found you!

Any news of us hosting the awards ceremony yet?

I said, found you!

Great! See if you can get us more money -

hold out for the big bucks. Five pounds, at least.

And I want them to pay my bus fare this time.

-Sorry, where were we?

-Well,

-I

-thought we were playing hide-and-seek.

But apparently, we're playing hide and then talk unnecessarily loudly

on the phone.

Sorry, that was Roger.

-I know!

-How do you know?

-Because it wasn't me.

My turn to hide! You'll never find me!

100, 99, 98...

# I'm every woman

# It's all in me... #

Hello?

Ah, hi, Roger!

No, we're immersed in a team-building exercise.

I'll discuss it with Little Howard and call you back.

I'm sure he'll love it,

but I ought to check... HORN BLARES

I, Little Howard, have come up with another of my Big Questions.

Could Big Howard live without his mobile phone?

DISTORTED VOICE: I do wish you wouldn't do that...

# I love monkeys

# I love monkeys

# Oh, those happy little chappy little monkeys

# With their tails and their bananas

# I think that if we all were monkeys

# We'd have happier mananas

# Give me monkeys

# Lots of monkeys

# For you know that it's the monkeys I adore

# If my love said that she did not love those monkeys

# I wouldn't love her any more! #

-Thank you very much!

-MOBILES RING

-Oh!

-They're not there any more, are they?

# I'm every woman... #

HE MOUTHS

My lovely phone!

So many apps, and I never knew their names!

I was right! You can't live without your mobile phone, can you?

It's not that! Well, it is that.

But it's also that Roger just offered us a job

presenting the Awards of Britain's Best Toys, Games and Sweets!

The awards ceremony where everyone there gets given all the toys, games

and sweets on the market in a big gold-plated satchel?

That's the one! But I didn't tell him we'd do it,

I said I'd talk to you first!

Yeah, cos I might have turned THAT down(!)

That might have been a mistake. But if I don't speak to him soon,

-he's going to give it to someone else!

-No. Not...

Big Cook, Little Cook!

Well, ring him back, quick!

I've dropped my phone down the drain!

Well, what did you do that for?

This is a disaster. How are we going to live without your mobile phone?

DANCE MUSIC

I'm off to a meeting, Hayley, love.

Don't "love" me, Mr T Pigeon.

I'm a secretary, not your little plaything!

If Big Howard rings,

tell him I can get someone else to do the job at the drop of a hat.

-Who are you going to give it to?

-At The Drop Of A Hat!

They're a juggling group. As the name suggests, they're rubbish,

but they're better than him. Oh, and is that filing done yet?

Erm, in your own time!

# "If you wanna squeal," said the FBI "We can make a deal..." #

Oh! I mean, I can see it.

-If I could just...

-Big Howard, I think you should face it.

The phone is gone.

I'd be able to get it if...

if this twig had a grabbing claw on the end.

Do they do trees like that?

SLAP! Aww! Ah! Aww!

I'm sorry, Big Howard, but you were becoming hysterical.

And you're usually extremely unfunny, so I panicked.

-How can we get in touch with Roger?

-Phone Roger from a phone box!

I don't know his number, it's on my phone SIM card!

I haven't had to remember a phone number since 1998!

If you'd let ME have a mobile phone, we wouldn't be in this mess.

I'd like a glass of milk, please.

Yes...

sir.

PHONE RINGS

Thank you!

Pleasure.

Over my dead body.

-Where are you going?

-To the car. We could drive to Roger's.

Of course! Nothing can go wrong with that.

CAR ENGINE TURNS OVER

-It won't start!

-'Good afternoon.'

BOTH SCREAM

'I am the car. Please fasten your seatbelts.'

Big Howard...

-why is the car talking?

-'I've been customised by Mother.'

'I am now a sentient, interactive, driving experience.'

Brilliant! A talking car!

This is marvellous!

Hello, the car. Um...

why won't the engine start?

'Good question. I'll run some diagnostics.'

BEEPING

'Right. It's because Mother has removed the engine.'

What?

'Well, she had to fit my voice processors in somewhere!

'Never mind, let's have a game of I Spy!

'Oh, don't be like that!

'Come on, we don't need an engine!

'I'll steer and you push.'

Hello, boys!

Fancy playing Solitaire with me? It's no fun on your own.

Mother, why have you removed the engine from my car?

Well, everyone's got a car with an engine!

How many people have got a car that can play driving games

and lead the whole family in a sing-song?

OK, before I smash you to bits

and put your various components in the recycling bin,

have you got any way I can get in touch with Roger

without my mobile phone?

You could use e-mail...

-Of course!

-..if I hadn't fallen out with my internet service provider

for refusing to cut back my online sunflowers.

Apparently, they're blocking his view of the bottom two thirds

of cyberspace, or something.

-Big Howard!

-Right, you've asked for this!

-Big Howard!

-What? Come on, she's had it coming for ages!

No, but you're holding a telephone directory.

-You think I need something heavier?

-No. Roger's office telephone number

might be in the telephone directory.

Ooh! So is that what telephone directories are for?

That, and helping me to see over people with big hair in the cinema.

PHONE RINGS

Oh, he's a right pest, that boss of mine. Literally.

Yesterday, I had to hide him in the stationery cupboard

because there was a spot inspection by the pest control officer.

-PHONE CONTINUES TO RING

-Shut up!

No, not you, dear. No, you go on.

No answer!

We have to contact Roger! He's probably signing a contract

with Big Cook, Little Cook as we speak!

-What are we going to do?

-Well, you could always try communicating

the way they did before the invention of the telephone.

How did they do that?

Telegram! Via Morse code. All you need is a telegraph machine.

Of course!

My grandad left me a telegraph machine! It's in the loft! Perfect.

Why didn't I think of this before?

The machine communicated through a series of long and short beeps,

and could be received miles away, over radio waves, or abroad,

via undersea cables.

Excellent! This plan can't fail!

As long as your grandad also left Roger a telegraph machine

and taught you both to understand Morse code.

Ah. He didn't do that.

Apart from that, the plan was flawless.

Did your grandad leave you a teleporter?

A Batmobile?

-Some of those shoes with wheels in the back?

-Shush.

-I know.

You could run a marathon!

What? We need to get in touch with Roger,

not raise money for charity dressed as chickens!

What?

I'd quite like to raise some money for charity dressed as a chicken.

-Another time, perhaps.

-Legend has it, the marathon was named

after the Greek town of Marathon,

which was invaded by the Persians in the year 490.

The Greeks sent the messenger Pheidippides to run the 26 miles

to Athens to tell everyone of their victory.

How far is it to Roger's office?

-About 26 miles.

-Brilliant!

-Wait a minute!

Just cos something's 26 miles away, it doesn't mean we have to run there!

Come on, what's Pheidippides got that we haven't got?

A very silly name?

"CHARIOTS OF FIRE" THEME TUNE PLAYS

Right. On your marks, get set, go!

GASPING AND WHEEZING

I think you might need months and months of training

to run a marathon.

There's only one thing for it.

Months and months of training?

Oooh.

BUS ENGINE

We made it!

BOTH PANT

Excuse me...

..Miss?

Could we see Mr T Pigeon, please?

Are you Huge and Stubby Howard?

Erm, kind of.

Oh, there's two of you! I didn't see you there.

Mr T Pigeon has been expecting you...

-Oh, thank goodness.

-And he's gone out.

-Oh.

Can you give us his mobile number so I could call him from here?

I don't have the authority

to give out Mr T Pigeon's personal mobile number.

-I had it, but I lost my phone.

-Still don't have the authority.

-Can you tell us where he's gone?

-I don't have the authority.

-Could you tell us when he'll be back?

-I have the authority to do that.

-Good.

-I'm not going to,

on account of how I don't like the look of your great big stupid face.

-WHISTLING FROM OUTSIDE

-Oh, excuse me, Fat Howard and...

Piddly Little Howard.

SHE WHISTLES

What are you doing?

Are you thick, or what?

I'm talking to my mates, aren't I?

All our bosses have stopped us from using social networking sites,

on account of how no-one ever gets any work done.

So I've taught all the girls how to communicate in Silbo -

the ancient whistled language of the Canary island of La Gomera.

-Oh! An island run by canaries!

-Wow.

Thick as two short thick things, he is.

The Canary Islands are off the coast of Africa.

And La Gomera is rutted with ravines and valleys.

And the whistling resonates and travels along them

at great distances.

What did you just say to your friend?

I said, "I'll see you for lunch in ten minutes."

You said all that by whistling?

Oh! Could we whistle a message to Roger?

If you were all in a ravine, yeah.

Best place for you, if you ask me.

I think she might want us to leave.

Ooh, we must be clairvoyant(!)

Why don't you send a physic message to Mr T Pigeon?

Mind you, he never gets any of the ones I send him.

Which is just as well, of course, otherwise I'd be out of a job.

And in prison.

-Are you still here?

-Very nice to meet you!

You'd think it would be easy to carry a message to a pigeon, wouldn't you?

What did you just say?

Oh, I said, you'd think it would be easy to CARRY-A message to a PIGEON.

Not sure why I said it like that.

Oh, sorry, I thought you said something else.

Wait a minute!

No.

Ooh, carrier pigeon!

LITTLE HOWARD GRUNTS

How long have people been using pigeons to send messages?

They were used back in ancient Persian times,

about 2,500 years ago.

-Wow!

-Julius Caesar used them.

-Julia who?

-Julius Caesar, the Roman Emperor.

-Never heard of her.

-How fast do pigeons go?

-It depends on the wind,

but the fastest pigeon to be recorded was 90 miles per hour.

Wow! Do you think we could use one of your pigeons

-to send a message to our manager?

-Only if he's in my house in Wales,

because they're only trained to go to my pigeon shed.

What? All the pigeons in the world

are trained to go to your pigeon shed?

It must be very full.

No, it's not everybody's.

Just my pigeons. For example...

Denny Phillips down the valley,

his pigeons fly to his shed and my pigeons fly to my shed.

So they won't just fly straight to Roger?

Who would have thought every other pigeon in the world hates Roger?

What are we going to do?

Why not use a sky writing aerial display team?

Did you say why not use a sky writing aerial display team?

-Yes.

-Brilliant idea! How did you think of that?

Oh, right.

We're the Blades aerobatic team,

the only full-time aerobatic team in the UK.

We fly at air displays around Scotland, Ireland, Wales,

-England, and throughout Europe.

-Brilliant.

What sort of plane is this?

It's called the Extra 300.

It's immensely strong, very manoeuvrable,

and designed with high-performance aerobatics in mind,

which makes it great for writing messages in the sky.

What sort of messages do you write in the sky?

During our display, we do lots of loops and rolls

and we're trailing smoke so it's very pretty patterns.

At weddings, we sometimes write love hearts in the sky

-for the married couple.

-Aww.

Is it a good way of communicating with people?

Well, because the sky is so big

and the messages are so large,

it's a very good way of communicating, yes.

Could you write us a message in the sky for our manager Roger?

-It's really important.

-I think we could certainly do that.

Ohhhh!

Here we go!

It's going a bit fast.

Aaaargh!

OK, Little Howard, what's the message you would like us to write?

OK, the message is, "Roger..."

so that's R...

Aaaaargh!

-..O...

-Argh!

..G...

E...

OK, was that the E?

..R...

Ooooh!

..F.

Oh, sorry! "Roger" doesn't have a F on the end.

You'll have to cross it out and start again.

Aaargh!

Oh.

That last bit was unnecessary.

This is much better than using a phone!

# With a little bit of this and a little bit of that

# And wiggle your bum... #

Flap my fat feathers!

Will you look at that!

BRAKES SQUEAL, CAR HORN TOOTS

What a coincidence. Seeing a cloud

shaped exactly like a message saying,

"Roger, we'll do the Yummy Sweet Show,"

while I'm waiting for a confirmation that Big Howard and Little Howard

want to do the Yummy Sweet Show tonight.

What are the chances? Still haven't heard from them though.

They must not want the job.

That was brilliant.

-Quick, Little Howard, call Mum to see if it's worked.

-Good idea.

Thanks, Luke Sky-Writer.

What? Roger hasn't called?

He can't have seen our message.

It's all been a brilliantly entertaining waste of time.

Roger's bound to have given the award ceremony job

to Big Cook and Little Cook by now.

I can just see Little Cook now

announcing the winner of the best yummy sweetie.

-I hope he gets crushed under the weight of the golden envelope.

-Yeah.

-MOBILE RINGS FAINTLY

-# I'm every woman... #

My phone!

# It's all in me... #

Argh! It might be Roger! This is driving me mad.

# I've lost my phone

# Ain't got no phone

# I cannot reach the pigeon

# To tell him to postpone

# My hopes of getting through to him

# Are truly dead and gone

# I feel doggone alone

# I've lost my phone

# I've lost my smile

# And my mobile

# Now that I'm without it

# I find I'm a phoneophile

# I'd order me a new one

# But delivery takes a while

# Oh, I've lost my smile and my mobile

-# Ain't got no phone

-Ain't got no phone

-# Ain't got no phone

-Ain't got no phone

-# Ain't got no phone

-Ain't got no phone

-# Ain't got no phone

-Ain't got no phone

# I'm a dog without a bone

# I'm a twin without a clone

# Oh, I'm doggone alone I've lost my phone

# I can hear it ringing and it seems so very cruel

# Bobbing in the effluent and floating like a stool

# It seems its very ringtone is calling me a fool

# Oh, I'm so all alone I've got no phone

-# Ain't got no phone

-Ain't got no phone

-# Ain't got no phone

-Ain't got no phone

-# Ain't got no phone

-Ain't got no phone

-# Ain't got no phone

-Ain't got no phone

# I've never even had one So how can you complain?

# Just cos you've been clumsy

# And you've dropped it down the drain?

# I saw a thing on telly that it microwaves your brain

# But still you flipping moan you've got no phone

-# Ain't got no phone

-Ain't got no phone

-# Ain't got no phone

-Ain't got no phone

-# Ain't got no phone

-Ain't got no phone

-# Ain't got no phone

-Ain't got no phone

# I'm a shark without a loan I'm a pot with nothing growing

# Ain't got no phone

-# You've really lost your phone

-Ain't got no phone

-# You've lost your flipping phone

-Ain't got no phone

# I think you might have mentioned that

-# You've lost flipping phone

-Got no phone. #

-FAINT RINGTONE:

-# I'm every woman

# It's all in me. #

MANHOLE COVER SCRAPES

Oh, what's that?

SQUELCHING

Oh, oh, it's everywhere!

BIG HOWARD GROANS

I've got it! RINGING STOPS

It's stopped ringing!

-BUTTONS BEEP

-Well, ring it back.

CAR HORN BEEPS

CAR ENGINE RECEDES That was Roger!

PHONE RINGS

PHONE CONTINUES TO RING

Hello. Roger T Pigeon Artistes.

-Roger!

-Will you shut your face? I'm on the phone.

Roger... Eugh. Roger, it's me.

Will you shut your face? I'm with a client.

Hiya, Howie.

Sorry, just dropped by because I needed a wee.

So your carpet will need cleaning.

Roger... Eugh. Roger, we'll do the awards.

We will, please don't give it to Big Cook, Little Cook.

Oh, boys, what do you think of me?

I would never have given the Toys, Games and Sweets Awards

to Big Cook, Little Cook.

Oh, thank goodness.

Roger, we knew we could trust you.

No, I've sent them to LA, first class, to host the Oscars.

Brilliant.

But we've got the Toys, Games and Sweets Awards?

I suppose so. You're cutting it a bit fine.

-You had better get over to the studio sharpish.

-Fantastic,

I'll just have a wash and get changed.

There's no time for that.

They start in 20 minutes. You've only got a bit of...

Well, you're completely covered head-to-toe in poo,

-but we haven't got time. Come on, chop-chop!

-OK.

-Be professional, man.

-Come on.

And the winner of the crumbliest individual cake slice

in the Best Puddings category goes to...

Get off! You stink.

-He's not that bad.

-LITTLE HOWARD RETCHES

I'm in the dress circle, I can smell him from here!

I think you're putting the audience off, Big Howard.

(Mr Kipling has been sick nine times.)

Sorry. Sorry. Ooft. Eugh!

VOMITING

Oh, dear, make that ten. Ooh.

I think I might be next.

LITTLE HOWARD VOMITS

That does feel better.