The Best of Little Howard's Big Question Little Howard's Big Question

-You caught anything yet?

-Just a couple of stickle bricks.

Stickle bricks...

Great! That's the last wire!

This should fetch me a few quid at the boot sale.

Oh, dear.

Um...

We would like to apologise

for the loss of this week's episode of Little Howard's Big Question.

This was due to...erm...

you not having a good enough telly.

It was not because Roger T Pigeon was removing

broadcast equipment so he could flog it at a car boot sale

in Cheam tomorrow morning.

£200, or nearest offer. So don't anyone go calling the police.

Bye!

# I love money I love dummies...

# With their tails

# And their bananas

# I think that if we all were monkeys We'd have happier mananas

-# Give us porridge

-We love porridge

# Lots of porridge... #

# You know that's it's the monkeys I despise

# If my love said that she did not love koalas

# I'd call her a great galah... #

Oh, flipping heck...

Nothing to see here.

Run along and watch these... What does that button say?

"Klaxon moments."

Argh!

KLAXON BLARES

I, Little Howard, have come up with another of my bi-i-ig questions.

KLAXON BLARES

KLAXON BLARES

KLAXON BLARES

Nothing bad happened to me!

RIPPING

Oh, dear.

KLAXON BLARES

KLAXON BLARES

KLAXON BLARES

How can I get Father Christmas to star in our nativity play?

No-one's supposed to put their head

through the stable door until Act Two!

Ah! Oh!

Priceless.

I can't get enough of watching Big Howard get grievously injured.

Oh, well, better get back to the pilfering.

This office equipment won't nick itself, you know.

Oh, maybe I'll watch one more.

Hooray!

You might feel a slight tingling sensation when I press this button.

Argh!

-Wow!

-What are you doing?

Just testing the principals of Luigi Galvani.

Oh, OK, then. Argh...

How's the digging going, Little Howard? Argh!

SMACK! SMACK!

I'm sorry, Big Howard, but you were becoming hysterical.

-I'm not invisible, am I?

-No.

Mum?!

PIGEON LAUGHS

Priceless.

Oh... Ow!

Wagh!

We need to extract...

Sorry, I can't hear you say, "I don't want to do this,"

because you're in a wind tunnel.

No!

I've got it!

HE SCREAMS

KLAXON BLARES I, Little Howard, have come...

Argh!

Oh! I could watch that again and again.

In fact... Oi! What's happening here?!

Something's playing all by itself!

Hello, and welcome to my deleted scenes show reel,

bits of the show that didn't get on telly

because our producer Kez accidentally baked the keys to the tape cupboard

into a tofu risotto.

It happened several times.

I really don't know why we kept giving them back to her.

This first previously unseen obscene scene

is from the episode when Big Howard had a secret government organisation

after him, trying to harness the smell of his bum

for queen and country.

# Because when the sun shines We'll shine together

# Told you I'll be here forever

# Said I'll always be your friend

# I'm going to stick it out to the end

# Now it's raining more than ever

# Know that we'll still have each other

# You can stand under my umbrella You can stand under my umbrella

# You can stand under my umbrella... #

-What do we do?

-Disguise ourselves as hot dog sellers.

Of course... What?!

-What?!

-Hot dogs, hot dogs, come and get your hot dogs!

Free onions with every hot dog.

Johnson.

I...I really...

-I really fancy a hot dog, do you want one?

-Erm, sir,

oughtn't we try and track down that nasty smell? We almost caught them.

Johnson, an army marches on its stomach,

or is that a snail? I can never remember.

-Two hot dogs, please.

-Certainly, guv'nor.

-That will be £64, please.

-A bit steep, isn't it, sonny?

These are made from real dogs, sir.

Ooh, lovely.

-Oh, and both sorts of mustard. Marvellous.

-Sir...

Yes, yes, yes, yes... Sorry. Thanks. Must be off.

I can't believe that act...

Agh!

Blooming good hot dog.

Well done!

I can't believe that actually worked.

Why wouldn't it have worked?

It always works. It's a classic.

I suppose the smell of the onions disguised your honk.

Oh, that is lovely.

-Is that Ribena?

-Oh, no.

Is that any of the other blackcurrant cordials

that are available on the market?

It's a cheeky little red from a cheeky little redhead boy.

It is blood! I find it most excellent for writing letters!

Some things use their smell to scare off attackers,

like the striped polecat, skunk and bombardier beetle.

Excuse me, have you got change for the parking meter?

AARGH!!!

The Corpse plant uses its horrible smell to advertise!

Yummy! All you can eat rotting flesh buffet!

It smells of rotting meat to attract meat-eating beetles and flies

so they pollinate.

By the glimmer of the half-extinguished light,

I saw the dull yellow eye of the creature open.

It breathed hard, and a convulsive motion agitated its limbs.

It's ali-i-ive!

# A super-visor!

# It's the only thing that will get me through

# A super-visor

# Put them on and they'll show me what to do

# A super-visor

# It will blow their evil plan open wide

# A super-visor

# When you're wearing your underpants outside. #

Oh!

Oh! I just had the weirdest dream sequence!

It was like loads of different dream sequences all edited together,

in a bit of a hurry by someone who hasn't slept for eight days.

Reminds me of a dream I had once about

getting banned from Madame Tussauds for making a nest in Amy Winehouse.

No, that actually happened, didn't it?

Speaking of which... What is an Everyday Ridiculousness Montage?

Aarrrgh! It's a monster!

Oh, no!

Big Howard's turned into a monster!

It can't have been anything to do with me poisoning him,

dying his skin orange and zapping him, can it!?!

# I've created a monster

# I've created a thing that I detest.

# In the beginning it was beautiful

# In the beginning it was better than the best

## I've created a monster

# I've created a thing that I despise

# All I wanted was to save the day

# Not create a hairy thing with scary eyes. #

Amuse your friends and complete strangers

with the new Big Howard-endorsed

remote-controlled self-dropping trousers!

Big Howard-endorsed remote-controlled

self-dropping trousers!

Swanee whistle sound effect sold separately.

CROWD ROARS AND CLAPS

All around me in the Earth,

there must be loads of pipes and wires and tunnels,

but there's also buried treasure

and ruined houses and castles, and even bits of diplodocusaur.

Snails! Hundreds!

Well...tens of them!

I'm rich! Come here, my beauties!

Ah! What's happening?!

I've got a bowl of garlic butter with your name on it.

Argh! Cave in!

Little Howard! NO-O-O!

Oi! Pip squeak bum squirt, give us your 'nanas!

Are you constantly getting the bananas

you bought for your troupe of dancing monkeys stolen by wayward gorillas?

Then you need little fingers of fury

by studying Private Johnson's Pinky Fu.

With Pinky Fu, all you need is a little finger

to bring down any assailant.

Please note this martial art only works

if you are fighting cartoon gorillas.

Hello again. And welcome back to some more additional footage,

although I'm not calling it that, because that sounds like

it's about people who have got more than two feet.

This scene, which has started playing all on its own, is from our episode

Can Big Howard Live Without His Mobile Phone?

when we were flying with an aerial display team.

We didn't show this bit, though, because I was sick on the camera.

Well, Little Howard, what G is, we are flying straight and level

flying along and we are weighing our normal body weight.

Now if we pull 2G, we will weigh twice our body weight, and 3G,

we weigh three times our body weight.

So it's really as the aircraft pulls into a turn,

we get forced into our seat.

And normal gravity is increased.

This machine seems to be playing stuff I didn't ask it to.

Oh, well, I liked that. Bit of action. Bit of sick.

Hey?

Trapped, like a mouse!

A plastic mouse.

Funny. I haven't seen much from my favourite episode,

Why Do Things Have To Die?

It was a favourite because I wasn't in it,

but due to a mix-up, I got paid anyway!

Never watched the episode.

I'm a grown-up, y'see.

Oh, El Pipi Ninjio Gonzalez the Third,

you were the best goldfish ever! Oh, why! Why!

I think we had a really good service today.

I felt sorry, obviously, for Little Howard.

I don't think anybody noticed that I actually dropped the coffin.

There was a lot of tears, some smiles, some more tears.

I mean, I haven't cried so much since my own hamster died,

but I don't really want to talk about that.

Are you Howard Oliver Drinkwater Read?

Erm, yes, I am.

I am arresting you on the very strong suspicion of murder!

'I don't actually know what Big Howard is doing,'

because I think he believes that the show is real.

You know we were reading the script?

All the different bits, and it says Barney Harwood there. That's me.

Why doesn't it say DCI Barney Harwood? That's disrespectful.

Because that's me again. The DCI bit

is when I'm playing a police officer

and the Barney bit is when it's just me.

-I get it, you're undercover?

-You see what I mean, I...

I... Right, you're under arrest.

-He's not moving at all.

-Stand back!

I'm going to give it mouth to mouth!

No, Little Howard! No, that won't work! Fish don't breath air!

I'll give him a heart massage then!

No!

Oh, dear.

I think we've lost him.

As an undertaker, you get to see a lot of things.

Now, I'd like to take you through what services

we undertakers provide for the deceased.

When El...when El Pip..in..yo...

When the goldfish arrived, erm...

I wasn't quite sure what it was...

-He was a goldfish?!

-Yes. Of course he was a goldfish!

Ah...

First of all I thought it might be, well, marmalade. And then, no.

What have you done?

'Then I thought what else could it be, I thought...'

Why would we use an undertaker to bury a satsuma?!

'So I made a mistake there.'

But I made the best of it. I mean... It's the thought that counts.

Because, after an extensive search of his fish tank,

DI Beaker has found the murder weapon.

A massive toffee apple?!

Who'd give a goldfish a massi... Oh, dear.

Oh, Big Howard!

I can't bear it!

# Remember the goldfish, and don't be sad

# He made the most of what he had

# Remember the goldfish and what he'd say

# Make the most of every day. #

It was, I dunno... one of those things that I hope

he will remember with affection for the rest of his life.

Oh, Big Howie. How did you know I was here?

Because I'm being broadcast on national television?

I was doing no such thing!

All that equipment was just resting in my van!

Don't take that attitude with me, young man! Right!

I'm playing a Big Howard Being Really Unprofessional montage!

Mrs Slough was my favourite teacher, but Mr Franks was an oily bum...

Mrs Slough was my favourite teacher, but Mr Franks was an...

But Mr Franks was a...

Mrs Slough was my favourite teacher, but Mr Franks was an...

Come on, it's not that funny!

Look, I can say it!

Oily bum chin! How hard can it be?

Oily bum chin, oily bum chin, oily bum chin, oily bum chin, come on! Oh, just appalling.

Mrs Slough was my favourite teacher, but Mr Franks was an oily bum chin.

Oh! What a prize flappy nerk!

Little Howard would never mess everything up like that.

He's a consomme professional.

Hello, what's this?

And he's built a Sue poo fence, Big Howard. Sorry?

Oh, super fence, what did I say?

Sounded like Sue poo fence, didn't it?

Like a fence made of poo, from someone called Sue. Hahaha... Eurgh.

Oww! It's OK, I'm fine, cancel the air ambulance, I'll be OK.

Seriously, I'm fine.

Come back.

MOBILE RINGS Who's left their phone on?

That is... Sorry, it's me and I've got to take this, it's my agent.

What... How much??! Sorry about that.

That is the most beautiful woman you've seen in your life?

I think you need to get... PHRRT!

Sorry! I did a little guff... Sorry, everybody.

So this is definitely perfectly safe, is it? There's no chance that I'll...

A-a-agh!

MOBILE RINGS Oh, it's me again, so sorry.

I should have put it on silent.

Where is it again?

Has anyone seen my phone?

Chuck it to me, chuck it to me... Ow!

That's not funny, that really hurts! Shut up!

MOBILE RINGS Whose phone is that?

I've warned you before.

Oh, it's me...sorry.

Ow!

Ow!

No, it's not funny. It's funny when it hits him.

When it hits me, it is not funny.

Hello, Dolly, how are you?

I'm very well, thank you very much.

And what are you doing for lunch?

Well, I'm not going to the canteen. I had a prawn sandwich there

the other day and it made my legs fall off.

What? Like this?

Will you stop breaking the props, Little Howard!

ALARM RINGS

Hello, everybody.

This is an emergency broadcast.

If you see this, it is because Roger The Pigeon has holed himself up

in the edit suite and is trying to nick all the expensive equipment.

He's probably also showing clips of me and Big Howard

trying to make us look bad.

Oh, heck.

We were pretty sure this was going to happen, so I've put

this tape together of people saying what they really think about Roger.

It also puts in an automatic call to the police.

Cry...go on, cry buckets!

Ow!

I don't know if Roger The Pigeon has a problem.

I'm sure he's good in ways, but he didn't help at all

when we said, "Can we have some silence?"

It was always Roger going on and on, going "yak-yak-yak"

and whether he was trying to deliberately upset...

He did it during Little Howard's speeches.

"Hold it, please. We're hearing something."

And he would pretend he hadn't said anything at all.

Oh, feathers.

Hiya, flappy legs.

Hiya, bloke in a dress who's with flappy legs.

This is Margaret!

That's a funny name for a bloke.

Little Howard will make you a tea. Roger will spit in it, you know?

Or nick your sandwiches. I had a cheese butty that I was saving

for after the scene, and I got there and it had a beak bite out of it.

Play the game - you're either part of the team or you're not.

He doesn't really play his part and I'm hungry.

Shut it, Harwood.

I think he might have heard that. Erm...

THEY SHOUT

ROGER LAUGHS

It's nice not being with Roger cos I don't feel sick all the time.

Oi! Shorty, why the face like a slapped pig?

Even just thinking about Roger, ooh... I just get that feeling again.

Oh, when he does that thing with his neck.

Well, get a load of this.

Oohhhh...he's disgusting.

Is that all right, Roger? Could you stop pecking the eyes out of Donna?

He doesn't like it.

He is definitely on the naughty list.

He will not be receiving anything on Christmas Eve for quite a while.

Oh, come on! I'm not that bad.

No, you're worse, and you're coming with us, you horrible pigeon.

-What have I done?!

-Have a look at this, for starters.

Oh, come on! That's not fair! You're taking that out of context!

That's the idea of a clip show, sonny.

Get off! It's a wind up, it's a fit up, it's a stitch up!

-Shut up!

-Agh! Get off!

# It's amazing how quickly it all turns to smoke

# One day you are famous The next you're a joke.

# One minute you're someone The next you're that bloke

# This is your moment Hold onto your moment

# You must woo the public You have to convince her

# If you don't then he will She'll not be a spinster

There's plenty more people To put through the mincer

# Is this your moment? You can't miss your moment!

# Fa-a-amous!

# We are fa-a-amous!

# You can na-a-ame us

# But could you name us this time tomorrow?

# This is your moment before they shout "next"

# Before you're evicted by phone or by text.

# Before you're at home and alone and perplexed

# Thinking "Was that my moment? Did I miss my moment?"

# Famous

# We think we're famous

# But you're nameless

# Puppet-master is getting all your money

# Famous We're so famous

# And I'm shameless

# About chewing you up To stay on the top

# It wasn't your moment In fact it was mine!

# I have been in charge all of the time!

# Famous We're so famous

# A-a-ah. #

Have I said too much?

I never could resist a catchy tune and a soliloquy.

Has he been arrested yet? I'll just look down the camera.

Is this one of those cameras you can see through the telly?

Oh, yes, it is... Oi!

You in Dundee, stop picking your nose!

That's revolting.

That's not how you do it, you do it with this finger.