Can I Dig to Australia? Little Howard's Big Question

This is brilliant, Big Howard! I've always wanted a vegetable patch.

Yeah. Woah! You can stop digging though, the hole's big enough now!

No, it needs to be bigger than this

if we're burying a whole pumpkin!

You don't need to bury a whole pumpkin, you just need to bury

-a pumpkin seed, and they're tiny.

-Why would we want to bury

a pumpkin seed?

To grow more pumpkins.

Why would you want to do that?

Pumpkins are horrible!

I think we should go back to the original plan

and just bury the whole pumpkin.

Then we can bury the sprouts. I don't like sprouts.

-Then the spinach, spinach is horrible.

-Right. Stop there.

A vegetable patch isn't for disposing of vegetables you don't like.

It's for growing more vegetables.

What?! And you're making me help?

-That is just cruel.

-Well, what would you like us to grow then?

-Er, chips.

-Right, well we'll plant some chips then.

-Brilliant!

You dig up the potatoes to make room for the chips,

and I'll carry on digging a grave for the pumpkin.

I think putting horse poo

on top of them is a bit much, but each to their own.

No, look, the horse poo is manure. It helps the veggies grow.

Calm down! You'll end up in Australia at this rate.

Will I?

-Fantastic.

-No, I was joking.

Australia's on the other side of the earth to us, you see...

Little Howard? Little Howard?

Cor. No patience, that one.

Just got to mix a little bit of horse manure... Eurgh!

..in with the soil.

HORN BLARES

I, Little Howard have come up with another of my big questions!

Can I Dig To Australia?!

You probably shouldn't put your face in that,

Big Howard, it's not hygienic.

Thanks for the tip.

# I like koalas

# I like koalas

# All those cuddly little dozy old koalas

# With their pouches And their Eucalyptus

# I think that one day the koalas they will finally eclipse us

# Give me koalas, lots of koalas

# For koalas are the very best by far

# If my love said that she did not love koalas

# I'd call her a Great Galah. #

Thanks, cobber.

What happened to the dance, guys?

That's it. I'm going straight back to liking monkeys.

Why... Why do you want... Why do you...

Will you stop that?!

Why do you want to dig to Australia?

Because everything in Australia is upside down, and they have hats

with corks on, which would be very useful

because I quite often drop my hat in the river.

And they have Christmas in the summer.

And I've never had a whole barbecued turkey before.

Yeah, but why don't you just fly to Australia?

Because that would take ages!

-I'm pretty sure it's quicker than digging there.

-No, it's not.

Listen, I don't know how long it takes to fly to Australia,

and I don't know how far it is to dig,

but I'm pretty sure it's quicker to fly.

Bet you it isn't.

What?

I bet you can't fly to Australia before I can dig there.

Not interested.

-W-what do you bet?

-If you get there first then I'll waltz with Matilda

by the billabong in the bush, then I'll tie a kangaroo down, sport.

I don't know what that means, but you're on.

Race you to Australia!

Hooray!

OK, it turns out that plane tickets to Australia

cost several hundred pounds, and I've got...£4.41 and a tissue.

Well, I win the bet then.

No, no, you can't win.

-I must win!

-OK then, I bet you can't save up for a plane ticket

and fly to Australia before I can dig through the earth.

You're on again!

# Tie me kangaroo down, sport

# Tie me kangaroo down

# Tie me kangaroo down, sport

# Tie me kangaroo down

# Keep me cockatoo cool, Curl

# Keep me cockatoo cool

# Don't go acting the fool, Curl

# Just keep my cockatoo cool

# Altogether now

# Tie me kangaroo down, sport

# Tie me kangaroo down

# Tie me kangaroo down, sport

# Tie me kangaroo down. #

Roll up! Roll up!

Come to Big Howard's car boot sale!

Come and get your welly boots, come and get your cars,

come and get your cars wearing welly boots.

What are you doing?

I'm having a car boot sale to get rid of some junk and raise me loads

and loads of money for my ticket to Australia.

This is the back garden.

And your point is?

Who are you going to sell it to?

Um...

Would you like to buy some boots or some cars?

How much?

£800?

Hey! Most of them are mine!

Ah.

How's the digging going, Little Howard?

-Arrrgh!

-It's going brilliantly.

I can almost smell the didgeridoo-doos.

How's the fundraising going?

Um...very well.

I've sold three cars and one boot.

That boy at number 48 is a mean negotiator though.

-How much have you made?

-Um...

£3.41 and a different tissue.

You had £4.41.

So you've lost a pound?

Yeah. I'm still not sure how we managed that.

Are you getting bored and tired yet?

Certainly not, it's very exiting!

The tunnel keeps on collapsing on me. I nearly suffocated!

What?! Get out of there now!

What are you doing! I could almost taste a cookaborough.

And I'm sure I could hear a galah.

-What are they?

-I don't know. Let me back in!

You're just trying to stop me winning the bet!

I'm not. It just occurred to me that a six-year-old boy

digging through the centre of the earth might be dangerous.

-I'll just shore it up with some planks.

-No, you won't!

-It's not possible, and I'll prove it!

-How?

MOTHER!

Out of my way, wombat features!

Hello, Mother.

Hello, my dearios.

Can you tell me what date it be today?

I've no idea. Can you please just tell Little Howard

that he can't dig through the earth to Australia?

-Oh, of course he can't.

-See! Told ya.

Because Australia hasn't been discovered yet.

-And besides, the Earth is flat.

-See? The Earth is...

Wait a minute, no-one's believed that since the Middle Ages.

Oh, is it not the Middle Ages?

-No.

-Well, my digital clock says it's the year of our Lord 1405.

Oh, hang on, no.

It's five past two, isn't it?

Never could get the hang of the 24 hour clock. Oh, yes, beg pardon!

Australia has been discovered and the Earth is definitely spherical.

Phew! I was about to burn myself as a witch.

Don't let us stop you, but before you do,

can you tell Little Howard why he can't dig to Australia.

You shouldn't dig to Australia because of subterranean monsters.

There! Subterranean... OK, bearing in mind what I just said

-about it not being the Middle Ages.

-No, I'm serious.

There are some very scary individuals living under the ground.

Are there underground caverns full of dinosaurs like in Ice Age 3?

Well, not dinosaurs, but say hello to the naked mole rat.

So, that's what happens when characters

from The Wind In The Willows get married.

No, these are from East Africa.

They're bald and practically blind.

They have very bad teeth, feel no pain

-and eat their own poo.

-Oh!

They live in huge underground tunnels

that can stretch up to three miles.

Yeah, but they're nothing to be scared of.

I could sweet talk them into letting me pass through their tunnel.

I'd offer them wigs and toothpaste, and maybe a box of chocolates.

But if you're going to Australia you still might come up against this,

the giant Gippsland earthworm.

Eurgh!

Imagine a worm three metres long.

It lives in damp tunnels,

and if you're walking on the ground above them, you can actually

hear them gurgling as they move through the ground.

Well, then I'll just take a sick bucket and maybe bring one back,

and exhibit it to the public down the park.

Worm Kong!

No, you won't, because it's not safe!

-Tell him it's not safe!

-It's not safe.

-Oh. Thank you.

-Not without a bucket wheel excavator.

What's a bucket of wee extra waiter?

A bucket wheel excavator

-bores through the earth using buckets on wheels.

-Brilliant!

I'm going to see a boring machine.

Oh, I've put the emphasis on the wrong word.

I'm going to see a BORING machine. No, um...

Let's call it a digger, shall we?

-I'll make some calls.

-Hurray!

Boring!

Next stop, the deluxe 3600 bucket-wheeled excavator!

Thanks, driver. Wait here a sec.

Wow!

Excuse me, mate, can I borrow this please?

"Do you need help digging?

"Then you need a deluxe bagger 3600.

"A continuous excavation machine."

Argh! What you laughing at?

It digs 100,000 tons a day, which is the equivalent of 21,000 elephants!

It is the biggest land vehicle in human history. Brilliant!

I'll be down under by lunchtime!

Right, let's see how much it is.

£60 million?!

The Bucket Wheel Excavator is the best thing

for digging massive holes,

and is much safer than using dynamite?

EXPLOSION

Hello!

Why are you dressed like that?

I started a new car-washing business to help raise money for my flights.

How many cars have you washed?

Well, none.

But I have washed my squeegee and my chamois and I did rinse a tricycle.

Well, my plan is proceeding very well, thank you very much.

I just need to get hold of some dynamite.

OK, well there's some in the shed. What?!

Dynamite? You can't have dynamite!

Trying to sabotage my digging attempt, eh?

No, just trying to stop you blowing yourself up!

That is just a typical example of the nanny goat state.

Health and Safety gone mad.

Not giving a six year old high explosives, I can't afford

a buckled wheeled extractor,

so if I can't have dynamite, I'll just have to

carry on digging with a shovel! If I pull a muscle it'll be your fault.

Fine, you do that, I've got plenty of ideas

of how I can raise enough money to buy a plane ticket!

Of course!

What are you doing?

I'm going to earn enough money to buy my ticket to Australia

by finding snails, and selling them to the French.

Sounds just as likely to work as your last two ideas.

Hmm. No snails at all. OK, plan B!

I shall just have to re-house some slugs,

and try to pass them off as snails.

-Oh! I've found a coin!

-A what?!

-An old coin!

-Buried treasure!

This coin's more than 100 years old!

You couldn't just give me that coin, could you?

You see, the deeper the dig, the older the stuff you find is.

How do you know that, swallowed an archaeologist?

No, I've just remembered what I was told in series one, episode six!

When we went to the Isle of Wight to find dinosaurs.

All around me in the earth, there must be

loads of pipes and wires and tunnels,

but there's also buried treasure

and ruined houses and castles, and even bits of Diplodocusaur.

Snails! Hundreds! Well, tens of them!

-I'm rich! Come here my beauties!

-Ah!

What's happening?!

I've got a bowl of garlic butter with your name on it.

Argh! Cave in!

Little Howard! NOOOO!

'Oh, my gibbing Aunt!

'He's been buried alive! I'm speechless!

'Well, no I'm not I'm still talking, but I need to calm down.

'That's what I need, a nice soothing ad-break, yes.'

Coming soon to Dig This TV:

In Your Own Time Team, a real-time archaeological dig

in its thrilling entirety.

Have you found anything yet?

I think I found a 1p and a 2p coin!

Oh, I think that fell out of my wallet. Anything else?

No.

We might find exciting treasure

in the first few hours, or we might find nothing at all in six months.

That's the thrill of the dig!

-So snuggle up with In Your Own Time Team, archaeology in the raw.

-What?

Not like that. Oh, I hope they find something soon

-because making this ad even vaguely interesting is exhausting.

-Woooooh!

Are you all right Little Howard?!

I think so. My whole life flashed before my eyes. We should have

filmed it, and saved us doing a best of episode at the end of the series!

Doesn't this tell you that trying to dig through to Australia

is a stupid and dangerous idea!

You've only dug a couple of metres and it's already caved in on you.

It was fine, but then something started the ground shaking.

Well that definitely wasn't me.

What's important is that it's impossible to dig through

-to Australia.

-G'day mate!

Good afternoon, excuse me I'm just explaining that it's impossible

to dig through the Earth...to...Australia.

-You're an Australian!

-Fair dinkum, I reckon I am.

You're climbing out of that hole!

Wow, nothing slips past you Poms, does it?

That's impossible!

Well, the ground collapsed under me barbie,

I heard a yell, I dug down, found a collapsed tunnel and here I am!

I knew it was possible!

He's obviously a fake! His accent is ridiculous!

Ah, fair go, mate!

Your accent's fairly daggy as well!

-Hey, were you in this tunnel when it collapsed, little fella?

-Yes, I was.

Well, you had a very narrow escape.

You could have suffocated. Not to mention getting a hundred weight

of hot prawns dumped on your head!

You came all the way through my tunnel!

Well, I don't want to show off, but I am actually pretty good

at digging, I'm a lecturer of geology

at the University of Woolloomooloo.

I'm not surprised it caved in little fella,

there's quite a bit of tectonic plate movement at the moment.

Phew! It wasn't my fault.

Well, depends what you had for brekkie, mate!

What's tech-tonic?

Is that tonic water for computers?

No. The Earth's crust is made up of large slabs of rock that rub against

each other and that's when you get tremors and earthquakes.

They float on top of lava and magma.

Those are ice creams aren't they?

No. Magma and lava are bits of rock that have got so hot they've melted.

You know what? Hang on a second.

Take this hot chicken pie.

Where did you get that from?

I thought I might be gone for some time, and I also thought

maybe I'll have to explain plate tectonics,

so I brought a hot chicken pie!

-Fair enough.

-Sounds plausible.

Look at how the pastry sits on top of the hot, delicious chicken gravy.

Strewth I'm so hungry.

But when you crack the surface of the pie,

sometimes, the hot magma underneath

spurts to the surface, and that's how volcanoes are started.

And, when the crust rubs against each other,

that is when you get an earthquake.

Wow! That's... Wait a minute!

Why am I here talking about Teutonic plaits?

I have made history!

Out of my way, Cobblers!

Woah! Watch the pie, mate!

I've made it! I'm the first human being ever

to dig through the entire Earth to Australia!

And some people said I couldn't do it!

And I won the bet.

No you didn't mate, we live next door to ya.

We're the neighbours!

What?! Oh, no!

Oh, come on mate, don't be like that,

everybody needs good neighbours!

You were having a party in the garden next door and we didn't even notice?!

Yeah well, we Australians are quiet and introverted people.

Hey, Bruce!

Crank up the DC!

MUSIC: Back in Black by AC/DC

Sorry to sit on your birthday cake,

but there was no way you were going to

dig all the way through the Earth.

I do like to say I told you so. I told you so!

Why not?

Well, for a start,

Australia isn't even opposite where you guys are on the globe.

Yeah! Isn't it?!

No. This is you guys and this is Australia down here.

If we were to dig in a straight line, all the way through there,

you would actually come out just off the coast of New Zealand.

So Big Howard was wrong when he said

I'd get to Australia if I carried on digging!

That was a joke!

It doesn't really matter because you never

would have been able to dig all the way through.

What makes you so sure of that, Captain Clever Pants?

Hit it, Bruce!

# Down under's not down under It's down and left a bit

# That doesn't really matter though cos you can't dig to it

# To get to Australasia you can dig straight through the floor

# But there's a little something in the way

# And that's Earth's molten core.

# Come to Australia!

# But digging's not the way

# Cos you'll find several billion tonnes of lava in your way

# Come to Australia! But come the long way round

# Cos you won't see a kangaroo if you dig through the ground

# You could dig right through the mantel if you can stand the heat

# You can tunnel through the outer core but you might burn your feet

# If you go any deeper you'll be crushed before you're through

# If you get into the inner core you're a human barbecue

# Come to Australia!

# But not like Jules Verne

# Cos if you journey through the centre of the Earth

# You won't return.

# Come To Australia!

# And don't come on a whim

# And don't try digging tunnels there

# And for Bruce's sake don't swim! #

-Swimming to Australia?

-No!

# Come to Australia! But come the long way round

# Cos you won't see a wallaby if you dig through the ground. #

Mate.

Night, night, Little Howard.

Night, night, Big Howard.

So, did I win the bet then?

Is this a long distance call from Australia?

-Erm, no.

-Then no.

Well, I hope you've learned a lesson today.

Yes, I have.

-I won't be doing that again.

-Good.

Just out of interest, won't be doing what again?

Listening to anything you say.

-What?!

-You are always making poorly researched quips

that make me try to dig through the centre of the earth!

-That was a joke!

-I nearly got killed!

-It was actually funnier than most of your jokes.

-Right!

Oi! What are you doing?!

-You're going back down the hole! Come here!

-No!

Get off! I don't like Australia!

Argh, get off!

That hurts! Not the ears!