Can I Wrestle Control of the Weather from Sian Lloyd's Evil Grip? Little Howard's Big Question

Ouch! Ow, will you stop that I'm trying to watch the weather forec...

-Ouch!

-What's the weather forec-ouch?

-Will you stop that!

Sorry, Big Howard. The grand final of Swingballdon is on Friday, so I

have to practise every waking hour

to be sure I'm at the top of my game.

That's lovely Little Howard, but do you have to do it in here?

It's actually hitting me in the head... Ouch!

Yeah, it turns out the back of your head is better at this than you are!

Little Howard beats the back of Big Howard's head four games to zero!

(TV) And now, the weather, with Sian Lloyd.

Oh! Hello Sian! Ow!

Ooh! What's the weather going to be like on Friday, Sian?

..and Friday's weather now is very much a case of

heavy rainfall, followed by incredibly heavy rainfall, lashings

of rain, interspersed by brief intervals of torrential rainfall.

No, Sian! What about Swingballdon!

..Friday we'll see the clouds of rain moving away from most

-of the country...

-Oh, thank goodness for that!

..in order to really cack it down over the Purley area.

Noooo!

I'm going to bed, Big Howard.

I would ask another one of my B-i-i-i-g Questions

about why Sian Lloyd uses her magic powers for evil,

but I'm so depressed, I can hardly see the point.

What?!

The only magic power Sian Lloyd has is the magic power of her loveliness!

Things are looking very good indeed, very acceptable minus temperatures,

18 and 64 degrees in Fahrenheit...

So you want the sun to come out on Friday, do you?!

-Oh!

-Well! I shall send it to Brazil like I do every day.

And I command the rain, and the wind,

snow and the clouds to ruin the Swingballdon Championships. Ha-ha!

Blimey!

Surely this has got to win Purley's Heaviest Marrow Competition!

Just got to find somewhere safe to put it.

BLARE

I, Little Howard, have come up with another of my

B-i-i-i-g Questions!

Can I wrestle control of the weather from Sian Lloyd's evil grip?

SPLAT

I do...

I do wish you wouldn't do that.

# I love monkeys I love monkeys

# All those happy little chirpy little monkeys

# With their tails And their bananas

# I think that if we all were monkeys

# We'd have happier mananas

# Give me monkeys Lots of monkeys

# For you know that it's the monkeys I adore

# If my love said that she did not love those monkeys

# I wouldn't love her any more. #

Thank you very much!

WIND GUSTS

I think we need to order some more monkeys, Big Howard!

And the next lot need to be wind resistant!

Right, run it past me.

Mind your feet!

Run it past me one more time.

-I, Little Howard...

-I've got that bit.

..have come up with another one of my

(QUIETLY) B-i-i-i-g Questions.

-Yup, fairly standard.

-Can I wrestle control of the weather...

-Hmm.

..from Sian Lloyd's evil grip?

Right, let me stop you there.

Sian Lloyd doesn't control the weather, and

if she did, she wouldn't do it with an evil grip, she'd do it with the

gentle touch of a beautiful angel.

You're just saying that because you fancy Sian Lloyd.

I don't! I respect her as a woman and a meteorologist.

I get it, Sian Lloyd's controlling your feeble mind.

She is not controlling my feeble...my mind.

Prove it! Prove your loyalty!

-Help me to destroy Sian Lloyd!

-Little Howard, I forbid you to...

Feet!

Little Howard, I forbid you to destroy Sian Lloyd!

Or indeed any weather presenter...

except maybe Rob McElwee.

Well then, she better make it sunny for Swingballdon!

No person controls the weather, it all happens because of

areas of high and low pressure, and squiggly lines moving around

the skies with pointy bits on them. You wouldn't understand.

Do you understand?

No, all I know is that people can't control the weather.

I once went scuba diving in Honduras with Sian Lloyd!

-No you didn't.

-Didn't I?!

Oh, that's a shame, I had such a lovely time.

If you could control the weather...

-Oh, not you as well!

-..it could help you grow another enormous

marrow for your competition.

-Don't care.

-What competition?

It could help you beat

Edgar Beazley!

Smug old Edgar Beazley, who always thrashes you

with his massive marrow.

-Who's Edgar Beazley?

-Edgar Beazley has won Purley's Heaviest Marrow

Competition 28 years running!

He bestrides the world of out-sized marrow growing

like a smug colossus with a marrow.

Sitting there patting his Cucurbita maxima.

I bet you'd love to wipe the smug grin off his big

champion marrow-growing face.

Yeah take that, Bees...

What am I talking about? It's not possible to change the weather!

Yes, it is! You could build a solar mirror!

Is that a mirror that can see your soul?

No, it reflects the sun.

The first solar mirror was launched from the Mir space station

by Russia in the early 1990s.

They planned to reflect the sun's energy onto the earth.

The idea is that the mirror focuses

solar energy onto parts of the earth where the sun doesn't shine.

You told me to stick my klaxon there once didn't you, Big Howard?

Several times.

So with this technology, we could make it sunny for Swingballdon,

and focus the sun's rays on our garden, so I could grow another

-colossal marrow!

-Definitely!

Right!

MUSIC: Theme from The A-Team

Brilliant! One 20-metre solar mirror!

Marvellous! You're just one step away from controlling the weather!

Take that, Edgar Beazley!

In your face, Sian Lloyd!

You just need to launch it into space!

Oh, dear.

Ha-ha-ha!

Where are we going to find a space rocket round here?

There's a space centre next to the post office isn't there?

Oh, no, hang on, that's a fishmongers.

Perhaps a nearby village has its own space programme.

There won't be anything out...

here...

Wow!

Excuse me.

-Hello.

-Can you fly this into space?

I'm afraid not. Space is 60 miles

up, and the highest a balloon has ever been is 21 miles.

Why do you want to go into space?

I need to get a massive mirror into space to make it sunny on Friday

to save Swingballdon and topple the evil weather wizard Sian Lloyd.

And I want to grow a massive marrow.

I'm afraid weather wizards don't actually control the weather.

-Weather is created by convection.

-Well, obviously

convection plays a part, yes.

Of course...

-What's convection?

-Convection is when the sun heats up the ground

and then the warm air rises.

To demonstrate convection, you should come for a flight

in my hot air balloon.

Boring... I mean hooray!

MUSIC: "Viva La Vida" by Coldplay

Now convection - see what happens when I do this.

Ooh! We're going up!

Exactly, because I've just heated up the air in the balloon.

It's like when you put a pan of water on a stove, and the bubbles

bubble up when they warm up, that's what air is, it rises up, and inside

the balloon, all the molecules are now warmer than outside the balloon.

And the balloon goes up.

OK, but that still doesn't explain

why Sian Lloyd is making it rain on Friday.

She's not actually making it rain. The rain is caused

by these molecules that have moisture in them.

As they rise, because they're warm,

the air is cooler so the air condenses,

and the water molecules become heavy and form water droplets

and they fall out of the cloud, and that's how you get rain.

Can't get these things to work.

Flipping binoculars. Ooh!

I can see Edgar Beazley's house!

-Where?

-Just on the horizon, over there!

Wow, what's that massive thing in his garden? It looks like...

-Oh, Blimey!

-I can't see it. What is it?

-No it's nothing.

-What do you see?

-It's definitely not a marrow so big

you can practically see it from space.

Thank heavens for that! That would be terrible.

Go on, pull!

-Run, sheep, run!

-Sorry, animals!

See the dark clouds, weather doesn't look so good ahead,

-so I think we'll have to come down and land. Are you ready?

-I think so!

It's Sian Lloyd! She's onto us, she's making it all cloudy!

Going down.

Ooh!

-Thanks very much for the flight!

-Yeah, and the lesson in contraption.

You're welcome, and it's convection.

-Here's a book about how convection works.

-Thank you.

-You're welcome.

-See you next time!

-Thank you.

-Agh! Ow!

-Ooh!

Is that a guide to destroying Sian Lloyd?

No, it's an A-Z Of Clouds by Antonia Natterjack.

-Thanks very much.

-You're welcome.

Says here that different clouds have

got different names like animals and plants.

That one is a cumulus humilis,

or to use the Latin term, "little fluffy cloud on its own."

That cloud looks a bit like a sheep.

So does that one. There's another one, three, four...

The biggest cloud of all is the

Cumulonimbus, which can be up to 60,000 feet tall!

They can hold half a million tons of water and

often bring thunder and lightning.

A bolt of lightning is hotter than the sun and carries enough energy to

toast over 100,000 slices of bread.

-SNORING

-Hot buttered toast.

You have incurred my wrath!

My wizard senses tell me that you have defied me

by trying to make the sun shine on Friday!

Just for that I command my 60,000 foot Cumulonimbuses to attack

with wind, hailstones, and thunder and lightning.

Steadily progressing eastwards as the day goes by.

I mean... So prepare to meet your windy, icy doom.

Ha, ha, ha, haaaa!

SNORING

BOTH: Aaaagh!

Get away!

'Holy McCaskill! Sian Lloyd is an evil wizard!

'But she seems so nice!

'Will Sian Lloyd destroy Little Howard?!

'Will Swingballdon be rained out? Will Big Howard be thrashed yet

'again by Edgar Beazley's massive marrow?

'I don't know! Here's an ad.'

'Coming soon to The 24-Hour Weather Channel -

'Strictly Come Rain Dancing!

'Sick of watching weathermen telling you the weather over and over again,

'because that's all this channel does?

'Well, we've gathered all the rain-dancing cultures of earth

'and several random celebrities for one final dance-off!

'First Konnie Huq joins a Cherokee tribe from Southern Appalachia

'to try and get the Chelsea Flower Show rained off

'with help from Haka the dog!

'Strictly Come Rain Dancing.

'Mercifully the only precipitation based reality show on TV!'

Ha-ha-ha!

It's true! Sian Lloyd is an evil wizard!

A beautiful evil wizard!

And she came to me in a dream and told me she was going to send a

"Curlycue Omnibus" to get me.

-Cumulonimbus.

-Yeah, she's going to send wind and

hail and thunderbolts and lightning very, very frightening. Me, Galileo!

Galileo!

-What?

-We need to fight weather with weather!

We have got to launch a solar mirror

-into space and zap her with it.

-Of course!

What happened when the Russians launched their mirror?

It projected a bright spot on the surface of the earth

five kilometres wide!

Fantastic! It made it sunny over a five kilometre area?

For a bit, yes.

How long for? A month?

About half a second.

That'll do the... What?

The trouble was the spot moved at the same speed the earth spins round

so it travelled from southern France to Western Russia at

three hundred miles an hour.

So...

-You've completely wasted your time!

-Right...

We need to learn to defend ourselves against Sian Lloyd's powers but how?

Give us one second.

In your own time, no rush.

What's this?

This is Southampton University's wind tunnel.

They use it to test cars and boats and planes against the

forces of Sian Lloyd, sometimes referred to as the "weather".

OK. And why am I in it?

We need to build up your resistance to high speed winds.

Right. One more question.

-Why me?

-Because you're the biggest.

When Sian strikes I shall be hiding behind you, or up your jumper.

-Right.

-OK, start defending yourself, please.

I'm not sure about this, Little Howard, with the fans...

OK. Firstly an umbrella.

-Ooh. OK. Rihanna can't always be right. Try a "packa-macka".

-What?

BIG HOWARD SHOUTS INCOHERENTLY

What about a tent? Try a tent please.

Maybe not.

Oh dear.

INCOHERENT SHOUTING

Sorry, I can't hear you saying I don't want to do this, because

you're in a wind tunnel! Come on!

Imagine it's Sian Lloyd's wind! Protect yourself!

Well, I think that was very funny.

What?

I mean, useful. Very, very...useful.

If we were to run into Sian Lloyd

now, you'd definitely be able to hold your own against her.

You think so?

Hello boys! I'd like you to meet...

-Sian Lloyd!

-Oh, you've already met?

Aaarrgh! Fire up the wind tunnel!

Intercept her nuclear rhombus clouds!

Ow!

You have defied me once too often, Little Howard!

I challenge you to a weather duel.

I forecast heavy showers.

Agh! Right! You've asked for this.

Take that.

Oh!

Aaagh! It's so cold!

Do you submit to the awesome power of the weather wizard?

Two can play at that game.

-Take that.

-Agh!

Right, now you've done it, Little Howard. Be prepared to say goodbye.

-Aaaargh!

-Ha-ha-ha!

I've got you now Little Howard!

Little Howard!

Little Howard!

Little Howard?

Are you all right?

Agh! Oh! You look much less evil when you're not in a sinister

dream sequence. And you are a lot

prettier in real life and you've got such lovely eyes, Sian Lloyd.

That's Miss Lloyd to you! I'm so sorry about that, Miss Lloyd.

Mother invited me over.

We met when she was a fax machine at the Met Office.

We went scuba-diving once in Honduras.

She said she was worried because you thought I was a weather wizard.

Oh, you're not a weather wizard are you?

You're a weather angel.

I don't know what you're playing at, but I saw her first.

I'm sorry, Little Howard, all the signs are it is

going to be heavy rain on Friday. Lashings of rain.

I don't care any more. You see...

# Whether the weather is cloudy or grey

# Raining tomorrow or hailing today

# You break the bad news in such a nice way

# Sian Lloyd, I'm thinking of you... #

I saw her first!

# Whether the weather is drizzly or wet

# You're the best weather one I've ever met

# You warn me of thunder but I soon forget

# Sian Lloyd, I'm thinking of you

# Call it a rain storm or a heavy dew

# Say it's inclement or the weather is poo

# Name it a cold snap or a touch of flu

# Sian Lloyd, I'm thinking of you

BOTH: # Whether it's hail or a tropical storm

# Big, nasty cold front but you'll keep us warm

# I'd sit through a blizzard to watch you perform

# You ruined my holiday

# With no apology

BOTH: # Meteorology that's where we want to be

# Sian Lloyd, I'm thinking of you. #

PHONE RINGS

-Hello?

-'Are you that Big Howard?'

-Yes...

Little Howard, I'm sorry about Swingballdon, but couldn't you

just hold the Grand Final indoors?

Inside! Brilliant!

Why didn't I think of that?

It's that sort of enormous leap of logic that keeps you at the top of

your profession.

I don't believe it!

Edgar Beazley's marrow patch was

struck by lightning this afternoon.

Which me being the only other competitor means,

I win Purley's Heaviest Marrow Competition by default.

But it's not even cloudy today.

How did that happen?

I wonder.