Why Can't I Be You? Little Howard's Big Question


Why Can't I Be You?

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Previously - Big Howard's actual mum comes to visit

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and Mother welcomes her with open arms.

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Little Howard's porridge gets stolen,

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but Big Howard's sketch pad remains safe.

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I shouldn't be surprised if that turns out to be significant.

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And Little Howard gets captured and replaced

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by his evil twin Little Albert, who really is quite nasty.

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Come my pretty ones, come and devour them!

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How come you missed that?! It's been on iPlayer all week. Lazy!

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# I hate monkeys, I hate monkeys

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# All those horrid little, squeaky, little monkeys

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# With their tails and their bananas

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# I think that if we all were monkeys I would move to the Bahamas

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# Keep your monkeys, all your monkeys

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# For you know that it's the monkeys I despise

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# If my love said that she did not hate those monkeys

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# I'd say that wasn't very wise. #

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Thank you, thank you!

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I'll be here...forever! Ah-hah ah hahahahahaaaaa!

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Little Howard, could we do that again, but a little less evil?

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-Just trying something different.

-Well, one of the monkeys is crying.

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Good! Stupid monkeys.

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Come, my...animals that I'm not entirely convinced yet are squirrels.

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The hour of the nibbling is upon us!

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-Big Howard, wake up!

-Ya!

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Aaaaaooooch.

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Little Howard! How many times have I told you

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not to knock me or my mum out by firing walnuts at our heads?

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-Erm...

-Actually, come to think of it I may not have told you that,

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but that doesn't make it right.

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So you still think I'm Little Howard?

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Of course! Knocking me out with a walnut is typical Little Howard.

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Then I may not have to destroy you.

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I should think not.

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Look what you've done to my mum!

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-What's going on! Where is he?

-Who?

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There were two Little Howards!

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You saw two Little Howards?

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-OK, the destroying's back on.

-There's only one explanation for this.

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-Yes! That one is an impos...

-Mother!

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-What have you been up to?

-What?! I didn't do nuffink!

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Have you been projecting holographic images of Little Howard

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-to make my mum think she's losing her marbles?

-OMG squared!

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It's a good idea, but no.

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You wicked, vindictive abacus with no knickers!

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I have never been...

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-You deserve that!

-You come here...

-Shut up!

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You've pushed her too far.

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Seriously, this is the last straw.

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Escaped from my Beginner's Cage, did you? Now I will imprison you

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in my...Intermediate Cage!

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From which there is no escape,

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unless you are an expert at escape.

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What have you done to Big Howard?

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Nothing. Luckily for him, he's even stupider than I thought.

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I knew that would come in handy one day.

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But the female suspects, so I must become you completely.

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I must look like you, talk like you,

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smell like you, heaven help me, act exactly like you,

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but how?

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Ah, well that's the big question, isn't it?

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But I'm not going to give you any advi...

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Big Question! Of course!

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Oh, bum.

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-I'm telling you, there were two of them!

-Course there were, Mum.

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You have a nice lie down now.

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Mother, why did you try to make Mum think there were two Little Howards?

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I didn't! I don't know what you're talking about! This is so unfair!

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KLAXON

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Why don't you just admit you're jealous?

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-I, Little Howard...

-Me?! Jealous?!

-Excuse me! How can I

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-become someone else?

-Of Mrs Perfect Pants,

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with her three-dimensional face, and central nervous system?!

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-For goodness' sakes!

-She thinks she's all that, but she's not!

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KLAXON Shut up!

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Thank you.

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I have set off my klaxon and asked a Big Question,

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and I demand you have a hilarious accident and answer it.

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You did, didn't you? You set off that klaxon,

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and nothing happened to me, just like last time.

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Oh dear, should I try again?

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No, no. I must be becoming immune to it after all this time.

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This is fantastic!

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I am going to save so much money on clothes and structural repairs.

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What was your Big Question again?

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-How can I become someone else?

-That's a lovely Big Question.

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-Much better than the questions you normally ask.

-Oh!

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You like it, do you?

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Yeah. I'm so happy!

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-Why do you want to become someone else?

-I want to imitate someone

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exactly, so that even their closest friend couldn't tell the difference.

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Oooh, that DOES sound fun.

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Yes, and I know just the man to help you.

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Thank you to James Hurn. One to watch there, ladies and gentlemen.

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Ooooh, people! He-he he-he.

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Hi, I'm James Hurn, I'm an impressionist. I was expecting

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you to misunderstand the word "impressionist", Little Howard.

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Why would I do that? I'm not an idiot.

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He's not an idiot.

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So, you're a 19th-century French painter, then?

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Er, no, I'm not a 19th-century French painter.

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My type of impressionist

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is someone who copies other people's voices and their mannerisms.

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I want to know how I can become someone else.

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Er, well it's fairly easy, what I do is I listen to CDs and watch DVDs,

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to be able to copy somebody.

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One of my favourites is Professor Snape from Harry Potter.

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-IMITATING SNAPE:

-Might talk a little bit like this,

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right at the back of the throat.

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One of my other favourites is Woody from Toy Story.

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-IMITATING WOODY:

-First, you've got to get the American accent,

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it's kinda like a bit like that and his voice is sort of

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in the centre of his mouth and he puts his chin down again, you know.

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And you gotta watch out for the things that maybe he does,

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like, he-he, you know, he'll throw in a laugh

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halfway through a sentence there

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and he could be talking about anything, but remember to use those

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favourite phrases if you want to get it right.

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"What are you talking about, Buzz? We're just a bunch of toys."

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How would you, say, do an impression of...er...

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Little Howard?

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-You, you mean?

-Yes, but not how I'm talking now.

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-How I usually talk.

-He swallowed a pine cone.

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I did that once when I was trying to do my Bill Oddie impression.

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It's very painful. Anyway...

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-IMITATING LITTLE HOWARD:

-If I was going to do

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a Little Howard impression, I would maybe realise that maybe he talks

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out of the side of his mouth sometimes and he's a bit croaky.

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That's amazing! It's like he's here in the room with us.

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I mean, it's like... I'M here...in the room with us.

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Which I am, of course.

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Can you teach anyone to do that?

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Well, yeah, of course.

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Why don't you two have a go?

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-No, I won't, I don't really do voices.

-Come on, it'll be fun.

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Erm, er, er, OK...

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No. Erm...

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-IMITATING LITTLE HOWARD:

-I have come up with another Big Question!

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Why doesn't Big Howard get paid more?

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Yeah, thanks, mate.

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Hmm. I'm supposed to be the professional.

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Hmm, er, beginner's luck. Just...got lucky. Sorry.

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Yeah.

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Help, help! How am I going to get out?

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How's your big, fat, stupid head?

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Are you still hallucinating like a mad woman?

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I am the president of the Association of Rehousing Delinquent Baby Seals,

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I'll have you know!

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Do you think I'd be able to hold that position if I hallucinated?

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You probably thought you were rehousing baby seals, but you

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were just lugging damp sand bags up and down the beach. Ha! Got you!

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Do you do any charity work?

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Erm... Yes! I run a help... line for...

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cartoon boys! Called, er, the Cartoon Boy Helpline.

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You haven't had many calls today, have you?

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Ah, no, well... Office hours are only just starting.

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So...any minute now.

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Little Albert's homemade phone!

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I wonder if it works?

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It can't do.

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Can it?

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Don't think anybody saw that.

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-DIAL TONE

-Wow! It works!

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-No calls yet, then?

-Well, obviously it's seasonal.

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PHONE RINGS

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Ha! In your face, woman-features!

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Hello, love, this is, erm...

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the Cartoon Boy Helpline.

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How can I help?

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-Oh, I think I've got the wrong number.

-No, you haven't,

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Little...erm, stranger,

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poor, desperate little stranger who needs my help.

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Well, now you mention it, I am a bit worried about my friend.

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Your "friend", eh? Sure it's not you?

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No, but he wants to be me.

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'Oh, that's called...'

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Oh, one second. Excuse me, this is a confidential helpline.

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I'm sorry about that.

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What you're dealing with there is jealousy. Everyone gets it.

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Nothing to worry about. Thanks for your call, chin up. Bye!

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No, wait a minute. I don't understand WHY he's jealous of me.

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He's much cleverer than I am.

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He's got a nose and he can make stuff.

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He made the phone I'm talking on out of acorns...

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and I think bits of badger dung.

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-Charming!

-And he lives up a tree.

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I'd love to live up a tree.

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That's the trouble with jealousy.

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It stops you seeing the good things in your own life.

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So it can not only hurt the person you feel jealous of,

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but it can hurt yourself as well.

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It makes you sad and you can end up being nasty

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-and saying horrible things to other people.

-I see.

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You certainly know a lot about it.

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Have you ever been jealous of anyone?

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No! Never!

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SQUEAK!

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METALLIC CLANG

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SHRIEKS

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But the person who's jealous of me has locked me in his tree house

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and is trying to take over my life.

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My goodness!

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-Mother!

-I'm on the phone!

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This is important.

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-DIAL TONE

-Have you seen my top secre...

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my sketch pad?

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-It's in the washing machine.

-Oh, thank goo... What?!

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Well, it was filthy. Covered in scribbles.

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Now, where was I?

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Oh, you haven't turned it on, thank goodness.

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I was looking up the washing instructions

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for a top-secret sketch pad online.

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What temperature would YOU wash it at?

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I wouldn't wash it at all! It's a sketch pad!

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This sketch pad happens to be quite important.

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-Where did you find it?

-It was in your safe.

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How did you get into my locked safe?

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-I can do a lot of things you don't know about, young man!

-Like what?

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Big Howard's sketch pad.

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Memories are starting to come back to me.

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A stormy night,

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the deafening sound of crashing thunder and scribbling pencil.

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That sketch pad has something to do with my creation!

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That's why he keeps it locked in the safe. I must see that sketch pad!

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-But first...

-I have climbed Mount Etna!

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Have you, though?

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Yes, I'd like a large meat-feast pizza, please,

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definitely hold the acorns, pinecones and conkers.

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I was just having a look at your phone.

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"I was just having a look at your phone."

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-I didn't call anyone on it, honest.

-"I didn't call anyone on it, honest."

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-Why are you copying me?

-"Why are you copying me?"

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-Stop it!

-"Stop it!"

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-I smell of monkey poo.

-"I smell of monkey poo."

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Hey! You're doing an impression of me!

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That's almost good enough to fool me!

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Exactly! My assimilation is complete.

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Soon I will have no need for you at all.

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Now! What do you know of Big Howard's sketch pad?

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Nothing, I'm not allowed to look at it.

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And you've never wondered why that might be?

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-He's probably drawing pictures of girls in it or something.

-Since I've

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been living your life I've started to see who is responsible for my misery.

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Who brought me and you into this world.

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Haven't you ever wondered where you came from?

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No. I was found under a mulberry bush. Big Howard told me.

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You and I came from the same place.

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The same mulberry bush?

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It wasn't a mulberry bush.

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A bilberry bush?

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You were created, Little Howard!

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GASPS

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And so was I. I don't know how, but it has something to do with

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your Big Howard and his top-secret sketch pad.

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If I can just get hold of that sketch pad,

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then perhaps the power of creation will be mine.

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Imagine, I could create an army of actual wolves! With fangs!

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Who don't eat all your walnuts!

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I shall strike tonight!

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Stop, Little Albert! You need help!

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However is Little Howard going to escape? Who is going to rescue him?

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Find out after this ad.

0:14:140:14:16

GRUFF, SINISTER VOICE: Buy the new fully portable sound-effect machine

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to bring the suspense back into your life.

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SINISTER ORGAN CHORDS

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Perfect for life's more dramatic moments.

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SINISTER ORGAN CHORDS REPEATING

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Erm...could you, yeah, could you just stop it, could you?

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Stop, please. Thank you.

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CLATTERING AND SMASHING

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Mother! Mum! What are you doing here?

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Together?

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When I remembered what you said,

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I traced the call and discovered you were in these woods.

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Then I realised I didn't have a lot of experience

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in hostage rescue situations.

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-And Big Howard's mum does?

-Oh, yes.

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I do a lot knitting for the SAS.

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All the balaclavas and the bazooka-cosies, they're all mine.

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And as a thankyou, they let me attend their hostage rescue course.

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-That was implausibly lucky, wasn't it?

-I'll say!

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There we go!

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ALARM

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Oh, no! Booby trap! But it's caught me as well as this booby!

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-Shut it, you!

-Oh, no!

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That's Little Albert's Expert Cage!

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You'll never get out!

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-Where is the little tyke?

-He's gone to our house.

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Does Big Howard know he's not me?

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No! Go and help him.

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Don't you worry about us.

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Clumsy.

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What are you doing?

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What are YOU doing, more like?

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-Or rather, what have you been drawing?

-Oh...those...

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those are just doodles...

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KLAXON

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I, Little Howard, have come up with another Big Question.

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Where did I come from, Big Howard?

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I found you under a mulberry bush, like I've always said.

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Did you only find one cartoon boy under the mulberry bush?

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Why do you ask that?

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Because there are two of us.

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Aaaaaaaaaaargh!

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He is an impostor! I am Little Howard!

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IMITATING HIM PERFECTLY: He trapped me in a tree house.

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-He's Little Albert!

-YOU'RE Little Albert!

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Little Albert?

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-No! No, it can't be!

-You know about him?

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I'm not him! You are!

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Before I drew you, I drew Little Albert.

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He came to life, jumped off the page and ran off into the woods.

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You created him?

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-And me?

-I knew it!

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-I tried to chase him, but he was too quick, he was like a...

-Wolf.

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No, it was smaller and more agile than a wolf with a twitchier nose.

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-A squirrel?

-Shut up!

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I guess I've been looking for him ever since,

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but I gave up any hope of finding you or him, long ago.

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When I finally gave up looking for Little Albert,

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I went back to the drawing board to try and make it happen again.

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I tried for weeks, but they just stayed pictures on the page,

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but then, one stormy night, it happened, and it was you...

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or you...

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but you didn't run away.

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You just started asking lots of annoying questions.

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Oh, Little Albert.

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-I don't know why you're looking at me. I'm Little Howard.

-Aah!

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Takes one to know one!

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-You must be Little Albert!

-Am not!

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Are too!

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THEY SHOUT

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Stop fighting, Little Howard...or Little Albert, whichever you are.

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Ha! You have no way of telling which is which, though!

0:18:200:18:24

Wait a minute - maybe I do.

0:18:240:18:28

How can you tell which is the real Little Howard?

0:18:280:18:31

I didn't quite hear that.

0:18:310:18:33

He said how can you tell which is the real Little Howard?

0:18:330:18:36

No. That question's not really having enough impact.

0:18:360:18:40

How can you tell which is the real Little Howard?

0:18:400:18:43

-No, just not getting my attention.

-Oh, for goodness' sake!

0:18:430:18:48

I, Little Howard, have come up with another Big Question!

0:18:480:18:53

How can you tell which is the real Little Howard?

0:18:530:18:56

Oops. This isn't going to help my chances.

0:18:560:19:01

You are the real...

0:19:010:19:03

You are the real Little Howard and that one is the impostor.

0:19:030:19:07

Blimey! I wish you could answer all my Big Questions that quickly.

0:19:070:19:10

How did you know?

0:19:100:19:12

Your klaxon went off twice earlier and nothing bad happened to me.

0:19:120:19:15

At first I thought it was brilliant.

0:19:150:19:17

But I worked out it's because it wasn't really you, Little Howard.

0:19:170:19:21

Wow! That's really clever, Big Howard.

0:19:210:19:23

Wait a minute. Are you sure YOU'RE the real Big Howard?

0:19:230:19:29

We better get Little Albert out.

0:19:290:19:31

-Little Albert!

-I'm sorry I couldn't catch you that day, Little Albert,

0:19:320:19:36

but we can make up for it now. You can come and live with us.

0:19:360:19:39

Never! There can be only one!

0:19:390:19:42

-That's rubbish!

-Don't go!

0:19:420:19:44

Everyone gets jealous some times.

0:19:440:19:46

You just have to learn to get over it

0:19:460:19:48

and find things about yourself that you like.

0:19:480:19:51

Like I said, Purley isn't big enough for the both of us!

0:19:510:19:55

You could always live in Croydon.

0:19:550:19:58

EERIE ORGAN MUSIC

0:19:580:20:02

# I'll get you next time, my friend!

0:20:050:20:08

# Though I've been vexed this is not the end

0:20:080:20:11

# You've won the battle but not the war

0:20:110:20:14

# I'll lick my wounds and come back for more

0:20:140:20:18

# Oh, why can't we just be friends?

0:20:180:20:21

# This doesn't have to be how it ends

0:20:210:20:24

# You were so jealous and I of you

0:20:240:20:27

# But think together what we could do

0:20:270:20:30

# I'll leap towards you from tree to tree

0:20:300:20:34

# I'll take your bird seed then off I'll flee

0:20:340:20:37

# I'll chew your wiring and bury your nuts

0:20:370:20:41

# I'll leap to safety as your trap shuts

0:20:410:20:44

# I'll scratch you car roof with all my might

0:20:440:20:47

# There's no defence from the squirrel of the night!

0:20:470:20:52

# Oh, why can't we patch things up

0:20:570:21:00

# And live a lifetime of catching up?

0:21:000:21:04

# You were so jealous and I of you

0:21:040:21:07

# But won't you let us just start anew?

0:21:070:21:10

# I'll get you next time, my boy

0:21:100:21:14

# Though I'm perplexed I will soon destroy

0:21:140:21:17

# Though I am down, I am far from out

0:21:170:21:20

# I'll give you something to cry about

0:21:200:21:23

# I'm you but I'm feral I'll strike like a squirrel

0:21:230:21:26

# The squirrel of the night!

0:21:260:21:29

# And you will loose that fight!

0:21:290:21:33

# The squirrel of the night! #

0:21:330:21:38

CACKLES

0:21:380:21:41

Definitely squirrels.

0:21:430:21:44

-MOTHER:

-Budge over! You're taking up too much of the cage.

0:21:440:21:48

BIG HOWARD'S MUM: What are you implying?

0:21:480:21:51

I'm not implying anything, I'm saying it out loud!

0:21:510:21:54

You are a heifer!

0:21:540:21:55

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