Why Can't I Be Bigger? Little Howard's Big Question


Why Can't I Be Bigger?

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Big Howard! Big Howard! Mrs Petti...

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What are you doing?

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Well, I can't afford one of those gel-padded bicycle seats,

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so I thought I'd stuff mine with jelly.

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Genius. Big Howard, Mrs Pettigrew from number 42

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said how much I've grown! Quick! Let's measure me!

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Oh, I can't really, much too busy.

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She said "My, haven't you grown?"

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She says that to me all the time, and I haven't grown for 15 years.

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She probably means you've grown out instead of up.

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Come on! Quick! Measure me!

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Um...I...I can't find a pencil.

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Is there some reason you don't want to measure me?

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No, of course there isn't. Why would there be?

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Then get on with it, pastry face!

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LITTLE HOWARD BREATHES IN

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Oh, no, I don't believe it! It's the same as last year!

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And the year before.

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-And the year before! And the year before...

-Oh!

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But the year before, you shot right up.

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You know full well that I wore a massive top hat

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for that entire year!

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The thing is, Little Howard, you're a cartoon boy.

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Well, I know that, flumpy-chops.

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Cartoon boys don't grow.

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What?!

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Look at Bart Simpson,

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look at Dennis The Menace, look at Richard Hammond.

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So...I'm going to stay this little...

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-for ever?

-I'm afraid so.

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I'm sorry, Little Howard.

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KLAXON

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I, Little Howard, have come up with another one of my Big Questions!

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Why can't I be bigger?!

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I do wish you wouldn't do that.

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BIG HOWARD SIGHS

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KLAXON

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# I love monkeys, I love monkeys

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# All those happy little chirpy little monkeys

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# With their tails and their bananas

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# I think that if we all were monkeys, we'd have happier mananas

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# Give me monkeys, lots of monkeys

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# For you know that it's the monkeys I adore

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# If my love said that she did not love those monkeys

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# I wouldn't love her any more. #

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Thank you very much!

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Aaarrgh!

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Aahh!

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Oh, no! He's eaten Little Howard!

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And you thought not having a bath for two weeks was a bad idea!

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Pull on my legs, Big Howard!

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I've already told you, Little Howard, you can't grow.

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DOORBELL RINGS

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FRONT DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS

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Oh, please don't do that, Little Howard,

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you'll turn your nose inside-out!

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But Mother said if I want to grow up big and strong

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I've got to eat my greenies!

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I think you'll find that's "greens".

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Definitely greenies.

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What's in the box, Big Howard?

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Nothing! Nothing in the box.

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Um... I'm just going to put... nothing upstairs.

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Ooh! HE CHUCKLES

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-Doesn't look like "nothing" to me!

-Ah!

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I'm in big trouble. LITTLE HOWARD HOLDS BREATH

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Mother's spotted my... Aaah... FLIES BUZZ

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Ahhh, what is that smell?

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What are you doing?

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-I'm standing in a bucket of horse poo.

-Oh, right.

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Why?

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It's fertilizer! It'll help me grow!

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That won't work either, Little Howard. Look,

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being big isn't all good.

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I'm banging my head on things constantly.

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That's not because you're tall - you're clumsy.

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Look what happened earlier,

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you head-butted the wall for no reason whatsoever.

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-That was because you set off...!

-And what, exactly, is this?!

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Ah. Erm...

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Now, I can explain.

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It's not what you think. I...

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It doesn't mean anything.

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-I was only using it for work.

-A new, tiny, skinny laptop, is it!?

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Not to replace you or anything! I just needed something more slimline!

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Leave this house...NOW!

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And take your floozy laptop with you!

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Mother was quite cross with you, wasn't she?

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I had no idea she could actually breath fire!

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Mmmm.

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Oh, this is a good example of how smaller things can be better.

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Every time they bring out a new phone

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or lovely, beautiful, sleek, slimline laptop,

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it's quicker and smaller than the rubbish ones that went before.

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(Like Mother.)

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-I heard that!

-Her ear circuits are still working pretty well.

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I know something to cheer you up!

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# Everyone is singing, all the children smiling

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# Hum along

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# Days are so much better

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# Love that once was old is new again

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# We go around and around

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# And around and around and around... #

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Little did the passengers

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on the 3.52 from the airport to the water mill know,

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that above their tiny puny heads

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lurked The Incredible Giant Boy!

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MOTHER SOBS

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MOTHER SOBS

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I suppose I am getting on a bit.

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Perhaps I should make more of an effort.

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Maybe I should get that upgrade.

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I get emails about enhancements all the time.

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Now, let's see what new hardware there is available.

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Ooh, that's very cheap!

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Quake, puny earthlings!

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I'm enormous!

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Please climb down from that exhibit, tiny child.

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Little less of the "tiny", if you don't mind.

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Why? He is tiny.

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Oh, bless his little, tiny, weeny pipsqueak microfibre cotton socks.

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Oh, were you pretending to be big?

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Oh, bless. That's quite funny.

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Sometimes I get down on all fours and I pretend to be very little.

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Do you?

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Yes! It's rubbish, isn't it?

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I'm very glad I'm unfeasibly tall.

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Don't pay any attention to...

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"Gordon the Tactless Giant"?

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You've upset him now!

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Have I? I didn't realise he could hear us way down there,

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-with his incy-wincy ears.

-He's sensitive about...

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Because, I am incredibly tall, you see,

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unlike your adorably pint-sized

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and titchy, squirty little chum down there.

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Go away!

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No need to be rude!

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Hey! Why don't we attack the castle

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or you could pretend to be Godzilla by the working windmill?

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It's all ruined now. Let's go home.

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Why don't you pick on someone your own size? Like a fat giraffe!

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DRAMATIC MUSIC

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BIG HOWARD WHIMPERS

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Oh, I got you something from the model village gift shop

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to cheer you up.

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"The Little Book Of Cool Little Things

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"by Len the Chirpy Dwarf.

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"Bargain bin, 20p."

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-Thanks.

-That's the other good thing about small things -

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a lot of them are very cheap.

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ZX SPECTRUM LOADING TONE

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Oh, good, Mother's upgrading.

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While she's asleep, I'll just pop out and buy Cheryl

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-a nice new laptop cosy. She must be a bit chilly.

-Cheryl?

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Um...the laptop. I...I...

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The laptop.

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Ah, hello, dear! You're right on time.

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I've just been online shopping

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at Swanky-Peripherals- for-the-Mature-Lady-Computer.com

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and my upgrade has just finished!

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You don't need an upgrade, Mother.

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Oh, bless you for saying so, but I think you'll like this!

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ELECTRONIC WHIRRING

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What is that?!

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It is a Multi-Cellular Enlargement Scanning Arm!

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Wow! I mean,

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now you're talki... What's that?

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It could help answer your Big Question!

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It's only a prototype

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but it says on the packaging, "Nothing could possibly go wrong."

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Stand still!

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Don't pay any attention to them. Nasty Mother.

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THUDDING FOOTSTEPS

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Erm...you can't come in here. I'm just...erm...

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building a new wall.

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Right. Where's Little Howard?

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Little Howard?

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Oh, I don't know anyone called Little Howard.

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There's Massive The Size Of A House Howard, who's just popped out.

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What do you mean "Massive The Size Of A House Little Howard"?

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Aaaarrggh!

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'What has MOTHER done?

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'Will she stop at nothing to get Big Howard back

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'for buying Cheryl... I mean, the laptop?

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'Lovely laptop that she is.

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'And Little Howard's massive!'

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'Coming soon, the Tiny Classics Season -

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'a series of films specially for the tincy-wincy.

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'This Sunday, Microscopic Sherlock Holmes -

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'the first ever costume drama entirely performed

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'by germs on a slide.

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'Starring the Ebola Virus as the great detective.'

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So we're in the digestive tract.

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Is there a name for this canal, Holmes?

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Alimentary, my dear Watson, alimentary.

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There's no need to be smug, Holmes, just tell me what it's called!

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It's the alimentary can... Never mind.

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'Coming soon - Subatomic Glee!'

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Argh!

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-What have you done to him?!

-Erm...nothing!

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He's always been 15 metres tall, hasn't he?

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No, he hasn't, and you know it!

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Well, growth-spurts are a bit like buses, aren't they?

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You wait ages, then a big 15-metre one turns up out of nowhere.

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Where's he going?

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He did mention something about going to settle an argument

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with a giant called Gordon.

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Oh, heck! Little Howard!

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No-o-o-o-o!

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Right, you...

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-DEEP VOICE:

-Gordon! Where are you?!

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Gordon? Gordon?!

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That can't be him, he's tiny.

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Oops, silly me.

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Come here, you!

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Aarrgh!

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Not so little now, am I, you big tactless bully?!

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Little Howard!

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Look at me, Big Howard! I'm enormous!

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-I warn you, you'll bang your head on something.

-What about me?!

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Put that giant down immediately!

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Serves him right! Stupid tiny giant!

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Ow!

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I told you!

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GORDON WAILS

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WAILING CONTINUES

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Little Howard, come down here this instant, young man,

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before you get shot down by biplanes.

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Biplanes? Ha!

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I eat biplanes for breakfast!

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Right! I'm telling Mother. You just wait...

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PHONE RINGS

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Don't pretend you can't hear me!

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Hello, Purley 90210.

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Ha! Now you're for it!

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Mother, Little Howard's running rampage across Purley!

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-CRASHING

-I think I've squashed your car.

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He's squashed several cars and he's taken a hostage!

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Boys will be boys!

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You've got to shrink him back to normal size.

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He's accidentally running amok!

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I know, I'll put you onto your new computer, shall I?

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-No, Mother, no!

-I'm sure she can help.

-Mother, no!

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What's the matter, dear? Cat got your sound card?

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'Oh, hi, Cheryl, hi.

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'Could you just put me back on to Mother, please?'

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Thanks, bye-bye. Mother, will you stop mucking about?!

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Not so old and useless now, am I?

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Big Howard, I'm hungry.

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And I think I'm going to need bigger portions than usual.

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OK, just chew on a tree or something.

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You've got to shrink him back! He's about to eat a cow!

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-MOOING

-Sorry!

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Oh!

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Fine! I'll reverse the polarity of the neutron flow.

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-But I may want you to do something in return.

-Whatever you want!

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Just shrink him!

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Big Howard, if I do find enough food to eat,

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where am I going to go poo-poo?

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Try Croydon, dear. Hold onto your hats!

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Ow!

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Hey, why is the ground getting closer

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and I'm not falling over?

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-I'm shrinking!

-Mother's reversed the process.

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Oh, good, I don't think I like being this big.

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I'll just be as big as Gordon, please.

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Ha! I'll be bigger than you again any minute!

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You're right! Last chance!

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Aaarrrgh!

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Oh, no! I'm not even big enough to attack a city now!

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Although I could still menace a shopping centre.

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OK, a small shopping centre.

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Oh, no!

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I'm only a bit bigger than Big Howard now!

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OK, that'll do!

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We can re-name the double act The Similarly-Sized Howards!

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Can I stop shrinking now, please?

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Not any smaller!

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No, I'm nearly as small as I started!

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Oh, monkey doos!

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Phew! That's that sorted.

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Feels like we should sing a song now

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about all the things you learnt when you were tall... Oh, dear.

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What? Oh!

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Now you've started growing, Big Howard!

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I'm not growing, Little Howard! You're still shrinking!

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-What? Argh!

-Don't panic! I'll call Mother.

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-PHONE RINGS

-Right, that's that sorted.

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Now, let's see if you look as pretty with your circuits on the outside.

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People will think I'm Tom Thumb!

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They'll think I'm Tom Little-Finger now! What are we going to do?!

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We need urgent medical help!

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-Where do you get medical help for someone as small as you?

-Oh, I know!

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Where are you going?!

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PHONE RINGS

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You'll be passing USB information through your headphone socket,

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you wireless cow!

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You've got to help me. I'm shrinking!

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Can you show me the way to the hospital?

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Thank you, madam!

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# I want to be big

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# Bigger than that

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# Bigger than I figure I need to be

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# I want to be huge Huge as a house

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# A house is a mouse compared to me

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# I want to be ginormous and gigantic

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# A giant would be frantic when they see me

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# I want to be large

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# Larger than life Or large as a life-sized effigy... #

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Can everybody please just watch where they're standing?

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My tiny cartoon child's around here somewhere!

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# There's nothing wrong with being small

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# You're hard to find, but that is all

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# There's nothing wrong with being wee

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# If you are big enough to see... #

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You! Stop moving!

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What do you mean it isn't a fully functioning hospital!

0:16:570:17:01

It says "hospital" on it! That's false advertising!

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Oh, dear.

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-# I want to be big

-But you're little

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# Bigger than that Bigger than I figure I need to be

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-# I want to be huge

-But you're little

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# Huge as a house A house is a mouse compared to me

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# There's nothing wrong with being small

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# You're hard to find, but that is all

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# Don't belittle little ones

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# Is that you by the hospital nuns?

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# I want to be ginormous and gigantic

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# A giant would be frantic when they see me

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-# I want to be large

-But you're little

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# Larger than life, or large as a life-sized effigy

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# Don't say small, say petite

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# Look where you put your massive feet

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# Don't say small, say elegant

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# Watch your hooves, you elephant... #

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Little Howard?

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There's only one thing for it.

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Mother!

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# I want to be big, bigger than that

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# Bigger than I figure I need to be

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# I want to be huge Huge as a house

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# A house is a mouse compared to me. #

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You've got to stop him shrinking!

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I ain't got to do nothing, sonny!

0:18:170:18:19

-I'm on strike!

-What?!

0:18:190:18:22

I have been replaced, superseded,

0:18:220:18:24

cast aside, scrapped!

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Please! There's no telling how small he is by now!

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# I want to be ginormous and gigantic

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# A giant would be frantic when they see me

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# I want to be large

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# Larger than life, or large as a life-sized effigy. #

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Please, he's shrinking.

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I don't how small you have to get before you disappear completely!

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Right, there's just the small matter

0:18:470:18:49

of you smashing up your stupid new laptop.

0:18:490:18:52

What?!

0:18:520:18:54

Go on. You'll feel better.

0:18:540:18:57

No, not Cheryl! Please, anything but Cheryl. Not Cheryl. Please.

0:18:570:19:00

I'm not getting out my enlargement zapper

0:19:000:19:02

until you've typed a letter on her with a lump hammer.

0:19:020:19:06

HOWARD WHIMPERS

0:19:060:19:08

Come on, chop, chop. Smash, smash.

0:19:080:19:11

Do it quickly and she won't feel a thing.

0:19:110:19:13

MELANCHOLY MUSIC

0:19:130:19:17

TEARFULLY: I'm so sorry, Cheryl!

0:19:170:19:20

HOWARD SOBS

0:19:200:19:22

HE WAILS

0:19:400:19:42

There, that wasn't too hard, was it?

0:19:460:19:49

-Shut up and zap him back to normal.

-Oh, I can try -

0:19:490:19:52

problem is I have no control over the enlargement scanner.

0:19:520:19:55

-What?!

-It's an untested prototype.

0:19:550:19:57

They let me use it for cheap to see if it works.

0:19:570:20:00

I'll see what I can do, though.

0:20:000:20:03

-Here goes nothing!

-No!

0:20:030:20:06

Little Howard! ELECTRONIC WHIRRING

0:20:060:20:08

Oh, dear. There's something very odd happening. Oooh!

0:20:140:20:19

Little Howard?

0:20:270:20:28

-Have you seen Little Howard?

-What,

0:20:400:20:42

that stupid little squirt?!

0:20:420:20:44

He tried to get the better of me.

0:20:440:20:46

Well, no-one gets the better of Gordon the Tactless Giant!

0:20:460:20:49

ELECTRONIC HUMMING

0:20:490:20:51

What was that?

0:20:530:20:55

-Ow!

-I'm little again!

0:20:550:20:57

I mean, normal little!

0:20:570:20:59

Brilliant!

0:20:590:21:01

Hey, we should measure you again.

0:21:020:21:04

See if you've put on another centimetre.

0:21:040:21:06

No, I'm happy with the size I am, so long as I don't get any smaller.

0:21:060:21:10

-Hey, where's Mother?

-She'll be hiding, if she's got any sense.

0:21:100:21:14

I'm here!

0:21:140:21:16

Oi! Hello?!

0:21:160:21:19

BOTH LAUGH

0:21:190:21:21

Oh, I prefer being this size, actually.

0:21:230:21:26

It's a micro-computer!

0:21:260:21:29

More like Mini-Mum!

0:21:290:21:31

BOTH LAUGH

0:21:310:21:33

Yes, har-har-har(!)

0:21:330:21:34

Of course you realise this means I can't do any housework?

0:21:340:21:38

DRAMATIC MUSIC

0:21:380:21:42

BOTH: Aaaaargh!

0:21:420:21:44

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