Why Can't I Be Bigger? Little Howard's Big Question

Big Howard! Big Howard! Mrs Petti...

What are you doing?

Well, I can't afford one of those gel-padded bicycle seats,

so I thought I'd stuff mine with jelly.

Genius. Big Howard, Mrs Pettigrew from number 42

said how much I've grown! Quick! Let's measure me!

Oh, I can't really, much too busy.

She said "My, haven't you grown?"

She says that to me all the time, and I haven't grown for 15 years.

She probably means you've grown out instead of up.

Come on! Quick! Measure me!

Um...I...I can't find a pencil.

Is there some reason you don't want to measure me?

No, of course there isn't. Why would there be?

Then get on with it, pastry face!

LITTLE HOWARD BREATHES IN

Oh, no, I don't believe it! It's the same as last year!

And the year before.

-And the year before! And the year before...

-Oh!

But the year before, you shot right up.

You know full well that I wore a massive top hat

for that entire year!

The thing is, Little Howard, you're a cartoon boy.

Well, I know that, flumpy-chops.

Cartoon boys don't grow.

What?!

Look at Bart Simpson,

look at Dennis The Menace, look at Richard Hammond.

So...I'm going to stay this little...

-for ever?

-I'm afraid so.

I'm sorry, Little Howard.

KLAXON

I, Little Howard, have come up with another one of my Big Questions!

Why can't I be bigger?!

I do wish you wouldn't do that.

BIG HOWARD SIGHS

KLAXON

# I love monkeys, I love monkeys

# All those happy little chirpy little monkeys

# With their tails and their bananas

# I think that if we all were monkeys, we'd have happier mananas

# Give me monkeys, lots of monkeys

# For you know that it's the monkeys I adore

# If my love said that she did not love those monkeys

# I wouldn't love her any more. #

Thank you very much!

Aaarrgh!

Aahh!

Oh, no! He's eaten Little Howard!

And you thought not having a bath for two weeks was a bad idea!

Pull on my legs, Big Howard!

I've already told you, Little Howard, you can't grow.

DOORBELL RINGS

FRONT DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS

Oh, please don't do that, Little Howard,

you'll turn your nose inside-out!

But Mother said if I want to grow up big and strong

I've got to eat my greenies!

I think you'll find that's "greens".

Definitely greenies.

What's in the box, Big Howard?

Nothing! Nothing in the box.

Um... I'm just going to put... nothing upstairs.

Ooh! HE CHUCKLES

-Doesn't look like "nothing" to me!

-Ah!

I'm in big trouble. LITTLE HOWARD HOLDS BREATH

Mother's spotted my... Aaah... FLIES BUZZ

Ahhh, what is that smell?

What are you doing?

-I'm standing in a bucket of horse poo.

-Oh, right.

Why?

It's fertilizer! It'll help me grow!

That won't work either, Little Howard. Look,

being big isn't all good.

I'm banging my head on things constantly.

That's not because you're tall - you're clumsy.

Look what happened earlier,

you head-butted the wall for no reason whatsoever.

-That was because you set off...!

-And what, exactly, is this?!

Ah. Erm...

Now, I can explain.

It's not what you think. I...

It doesn't mean anything.

-I was only using it for work.

-A new, tiny, skinny laptop, is it!?

Not to replace you or anything! I just needed something more slimline!

Leave this house...NOW!

And take your floozy laptop with you!

Mother was quite cross with you, wasn't she?

I had no idea she could actually breath fire!

Mmmm.

Oh, this is a good example of how smaller things can be better.

Every time they bring out a new phone

or lovely, beautiful, sleek, slimline laptop,

it's quicker and smaller than the rubbish ones that went before.

(Like Mother.)

-I heard that!

-Her ear circuits are still working pretty well.

I know something to cheer you up!

# Everyone is singing, all the children smiling

# Hum along

# Days are so much better

# Love that once was old is new again

# We go around and around

# And around and around and around... #

Little did the passengers

on the 3.52 from the airport to the water mill know,

that above their tiny puny heads

lurked The Incredible Giant Boy!

MOTHER SOBS

MOTHER SOBS

I suppose I am getting on a bit.

Perhaps I should make more of an effort.

Maybe I should get that upgrade.

I get emails about enhancements all the time.

Now, let's see what new hardware there is available.

Ooh, that's very cheap!

Quake, puny earthlings!

I'm enormous!

Please climb down from that exhibit, tiny child.

Little less of the "tiny", if you don't mind.

Why? He is tiny.

Oh, bless his little, tiny, weeny pipsqueak microfibre cotton socks.

Oh, were you pretending to be big?

Oh, bless. That's quite funny.

Sometimes I get down on all fours and I pretend to be very little.

Do you?

Yes! It's rubbish, isn't it?

I'm very glad I'm unfeasibly tall.

Don't pay any attention to...

"Gordon the Tactless Giant"?

You've upset him now!

Have I? I didn't realise he could hear us way down there,

-with his incy-wincy ears.

-He's sensitive about...

Because, I am incredibly tall, you see,

unlike your adorably pint-sized

and titchy, squirty little chum down there.

Go away!

No need to be rude!

Hey! Why don't we attack the castle

or you could pretend to be Godzilla by the working windmill?

It's all ruined now. Let's go home.

Why don't you pick on someone your own size? Like a fat giraffe!

DRAMATIC MUSIC

BIG HOWARD WHIMPERS

Oh, I got you something from the model village gift shop

to cheer you up.

"The Little Book Of Cool Little Things

"by Len the Chirpy Dwarf.

"Bargain bin, 20p."

-Thanks.

-That's the other good thing about small things -

a lot of them are very cheap.

ZX SPECTRUM LOADING TONE

Oh, good, Mother's upgrading.

While she's asleep, I'll just pop out and buy Cheryl

-a nice new laptop cosy. She must be a bit chilly.

-Cheryl?

Um...the laptop. I...I...

The laptop.

Ah, hello, dear! You're right on time.

I've just been online shopping

at Swanky-Peripherals- for-the-Mature-Lady-Computer.com

and my upgrade has just finished!

You don't need an upgrade, Mother.

Oh, bless you for saying so, but I think you'll like this!

ELECTRONIC WHIRRING

What is that?!

It is a Multi-Cellular Enlargement Scanning Arm!

Wow! I mean,

now you're talki... What's that?

It could help answer your Big Question!

It's only a prototype

but it says on the packaging, "Nothing could possibly go wrong."

Stand still!

Don't pay any attention to them. Nasty Mother.

THUDDING FOOTSTEPS

Erm...you can't come in here. I'm just...erm...

building a new wall.

Right. Where's Little Howard?

Little Howard?

Oh, I don't know anyone called Little Howard.

There's Massive The Size Of A House Howard, who's just popped out.

What do you mean "Massive The Size Of A House Little Howard"?

Aaaarrggh!

'What has MOTHER done?

'Will she stop at nothing to get Big Howard back

'for buying Cheryl... I mean, the laptop?

'Lovely laptop that she is.

'And Little Howard's massive!'

'Coming soon, the Tiny Classics Season -

'a series of films specially for the tincy-wincy.

'This Sunday, Microscopic Sherlock Holmes -

'the first ever costume drama entirely performed

'by germs on a slide.

'Starring the Ebola Virus as the great detective.'

So we're in the digestive tract.

Is there a name for this canal, Holmes?

Alimentary, my dear Watson, alimentary.

There's no need to be smug, Holmes, just tell me what it's called!

It's the alimentary can... Never mind.

'Coming soon - Subatomic Glee!'

Argh!

-What have you done to him?!

-Erm...nothing!

He's always been 15 metres tall, hasn't he?

No, he hasn't, and you know it!

Well, growth-spurts are a bit like buses, aren't they?

You wait ages, then a big 15-metre one turns up out of nowhere.

Where's he going?

He did mention something about going to settle an argument

with a giant called Gordon.

Oh, heck! Little Howard!

No-o-o-o-o!

Right, you...

-DEEP VOICE:

-Gordon! Where are you?!

Gordon? Gordon?!

That can't be him, he's tiny.

Oops, silly me.

Come here, you!

Aarrgh!

Not so little now, am I, you big tactless bully?!

Little Howard!

Look at me, Big Howard! I'm enormous!

-I warn you, you'll bang your head on something.

-What about me?!

Put that giant down immediately!

Serves him right! Stupid tiny giant!

Ow!

I told you!

GORDON WAILS

WAILING CONTINUES

Little Howard, come down here this instant, young man,

before you get shot down by biplanes.

Biplanes? Ha!

I eat biplanes for breakfast!

Right! I'm telling Mother. You just wait...

PHONE RINGS

Don't pretend you can't hear me!

Hello, Purley 90210.

Ha! Now you're for it!

Mother, Little Howard's running rampage across Purley!

-CRASHING

-I think I've squashed your car.

He's squashed several cars and he's taken a hostage!

Boys will be boys!

You've got to shrink him back to normal size.

He's accidentally running amok!

I know, I'll put you onto your new computer, shall I?

-No, Mother, no!

-I'm sure she can help.

-Mother, no!

What's the matter, dear? Cat got your sound card?

'Oh, hi, Cheryl, hi.

'Could you just put me back on to Mother, please?'

Thanks, bye-bye. Mother, will you stop mucking about?!

Not so old and useless now, am I?

Big Howard, I'm hungry.

And I think I'm going to need bigger portions than usual.

OK, just chew on a tree or something.

You've got to shrink him back! He's about to eat a cow!

-MOOING

-Sorry!

Oh!

Fine! I'll reverse the polarity of the neutron flow.

-But I may want you to do something in return.

-Whatever you want!

Just shrink him!

Big Howard, if I do find enough food to eat,

where am I going to go poo-poo?

Try Croydon, dear. Hold onto your hats!

Ow!

Hey, why is the ground getting closer

and I'm not falling over?

-I'm shrinking!

-Mother's reversed the process.

Oh, good, I don't think I like being this big.

I'll just be as big as Gordon, please.

Ha! I'll be bigger than you again any minute!

You're right! Last chance!

Aaarrrgh!

Oh, no! I'm not even big enough to attack a city now!

Although I could still menace a shopping centre.

OK, a small shopping centre.

Oh, no!

I'm only a bit bigger than Big Howard now!

OK, that'll do!

We can re-name the double act The Similarly-Sized Howards!

Can I stop shrinking now, please?

Not any smaller!

No, I'm nearly as small as I started!

Oh, monkey doos!

Phew! That's that sorted.

Feels like we should sing a song now

about all the things you learnt when you were tall... Oh, dear.

What? Oh!

Now you've started growing, Big Howard!

I'm not growing, Little Howard! You're still shrinking!

-What? Argh!

-Don't panic! I'll call Mother.

-PHONE RINGS

-Right, that's that sorted.

Now, let's see if you look as pretty with your circuits on the outside.

People will think I'm Tom Thumb!

They'll think I'm Tom Little-Finger now! What are we going to do?!

We need urgent medical help!

-Where do you get medical help for someone as small as you?

-Oh, I know!

Where are you going?!

PHONE RINGS

You'll be passing USB information through your headphone socket,

you wireless cow!

You've got to help me. I'm shrinking!

Can you show me the way to the hospital?

Thank you, madam!

# I want to be big

# Bigger than that

# Bigger than I figure I need to be

# I want to be huge Huge as a house

# A house is a mouse compared to me

# I want to be ginormous and gigantic

# A giant would be frantic when they see me

# I want to be large

# Larger than life Or large as a life-sized effigy... #

Can everybody please just watch where they're standing?

My tiny cartoon child's around here somewhere!

# There's nothing wrong with being small

# You're hard to find, but that is all

# There's nothing wrong with being wee

# If you are big enough to see... #

You! Stop moving!

What do you mean it isn't a fully functioning hospital!

It says "hospital" on it! That's false advertising!

Oh, dear.

-# I want to be big

-But you're little

# Bigger than that Bigger than I figure I need to be

-# I want to be huge

-But you're little

# Huge as a house A house is a mouse compared to me

# There's nothing wrong with being small

# You're hard to find, but that is all

# Don't belittle little ones

# Is that you by the hospital nuns?

# I want to be ginormous and gigantic

# A giant would be frantic when they see me

-# I want to be large

-But you're little

# Larger than life, or large as a life-sized effigy

# Don't say small, say petite

# Look where you put your massive feet

# Don't say small, say elegant

# Watch your hooves, you elephant... #

Little Howard?

There's only one thing for it.

Mother!

# I want to be big, bigger than that

# Bigger than I figure I need to be

# I want to be huge Huge as a house

# A house is a mouse compared to me. #

You've got to stop him shrinking!

I ain't got to do nothing, sonny!

-I'm on strike!

-What?!

I have been replaced, superseded,

cast aside, scrapped!

Please! There's no telling how small he is by now!

# I want to be ginormous and gigantic

# A giant would be frantic when they see me

# I want to be large

# Larger than life, or large as a life-sized effigy. #

Please, he's shrinking.

I don't how small you have to get before you disappear completely!

Right, there's just the small matter

of you smashing up your stupid new laptop.

What?!

Go on. You'll feel better.

No, not Cheryl! Please, anything but Cheryl. Not Cheryl. Please.

I'm not getting out my enlargement zapper

until you've typed a letter on her with a lump hammer.

HOWARD WHIMPERS

Come on, chop, chop. Smash, smash.

Do it quickly and she won't feel a thing.

MELANCHOLY MUSIC

TEARFULLY: I'm so sorry, Cheryl!

HOWARD SOBS

HE WAILS

There, that wasn't too hard, was it?

-Shut up and zap him back to normal.

-Oh, I can try -

problem is I have no control over the enlargement scanner.

-What?!

-It's an untested prototype.

They let me use it for cheap to see if it works.

I'll see what I can do, though.

-Here goes nothing!

-No!

Little Howard! ELECTRONIC WHIRRING

Oh, dear. There's something very odd happening. Oooh!

Little Howard?

-Have you seen Little Howard?

-What,

that stupid little squirt?!

He tried to get the better of me.

Well, no-one gets the better of Gordon the Tactless Giant!

ELECTRONIC HUMMING

What was that?

-Ow!

-I'm little again!

I mean, normal little!

Brilliant!

Hey, we should measure you again.

See if you've put on another centimetre.

No, I'm happy with the size I am, so long as I don't get any smaller.

-Hey, where's Mother?

-She'll be hiding, if she's got any sense.

I'm here!

Oi! Hello?!

BOTH LAUGH

Oh, I prefer being this size, actually.

It's a micro-computer!

More like Mini-Mum!

BOTH LAUGH

Yes, har-har-har(!)

Of course you realise this means I can't do any housework?

DRAMATIC MUSIC

BOTH: Aaaaargh!