Can I Be in Two Places at Once? Little Howard's Big Question

Oh, no, not again.

Big Howard, Big Howard, Big Howard, Big Howard, Big Howard!

Big Howard, Big Howard, Big Howard, Big Howard, Big Howard...

Yes, what?!

Little Susan's won tickets to Custard Expo!

The biggest exhibition of custard and blancmange in Western Europe!

-Wow!

-There will be custard pie making, pie tasting...

-Custard pie throwing?

-No, that is strictly forbidden.

All you can eat custard, blancmange punching.

-I'm so excited I could throw up! In fact...

-Please don't throw up!

And I've only got to wait till tomorrow!

Tomorrow?!

-Little Howard, it's Adrian and Lynn's wedding tomorrow.

-Oh, no!

Don't tell me I've got to miss Custard Expo

to spend time with Adrian and Lynn!?

They're the most boring people in the whole world!

-Er, Little Howard?

-They're so boring they're almost invisible!

I bet, if they were here now,

I wouldn't even notice, they are so dull!

Little Howard, they are sitting just there.

Oh. Hello, Adrian. Hello, Lynn!

See what I mean?!

They're the boringest pair of soggy dishcloths I've met in my life!

You probably should have stopped by now.

It's OK, Adrian can be a teeny bit tedious.

I remember the time when... Oh.

Little Howard, you've to go to Adrian and Lynne's wedding.

Look, look, I've made their cake. Little Howard?

I'm so sorry, Adrian and Lynn. He's obviously mortified.

He never runs out like that,

-unless he's about to...

-HORN BLARES

I, Little Howard, have come up with another one of my BIG Questions!

Can I be in two places at once!?

I do wish you wouldn't... Oh, actually, I'm fine.

Oh.

-Sorry, Adrian and Lynn, I forgot you were there.

-See what I mean?

# I love monkeys, I love monkeys

# All those happy little chirpy little monkeys

# With their tails and their bananas

# I think that if we all were monkeys we'd have happier mananas

# Give me monkeys, lots of monkeys

# For you know that it's the monkeys I adore,

# If my love said that she did not love those monkeys

# I wouldn't love her any more, thank you very much! #

What happened to the monkeys, Little Howard?!

The monkeys are on tour in Japan.

They sent this dance via satellite hologram.

And I'm still in bed.

Bye, then, sorry about all the cake!

I want to go to the Custard Exhibition,

not Adrian and Lynn's wedding!

You ruined their cake, and their clothes, and insulted them.

The very least you can do is go to their wedding.

You'll enjoy it when you get there.

Only if I have a good dream once they've sent me to sleep!

Remember the last wedding? You spent the day

under their table having a lovely time!

That is because their feet are better company than their heads!

Well, you are going and that is that!

Of course I'm going to the wedding.

Oh.

Right. Good!

Because I'm going to learn how to be in two places at once.

-What you need is a doppelganger!

-Brilliant! Thanks, mother!

-What's a double-banger? Is it a massive two-headed sausage?

-Nooo.

A doppelganger is someone who looks exactly like you.

Ooh! You could invite your kind of half-brother sort-of Little Albert!

This isn't big enough for the both of us!

He would make the wedding less boring

but only by endangering our lives.

OK, how about cloning?

No, he'd make the worst clown ever!

He'd bury all the goody bags in the woods, next to his poo.

-TELEPHONE RINGS

-Not clowning, cloning!

It's where scientists make a perfect copy of a living thing.

It's very difficult and complicated.

But I know someone who'll do it for a fiver.

Brilliant!

-Where are you going!?

-I'm going to get cloned.

-You are not!

I need you to help me keep awake if Lynn calls again.

Oh, sorry, Lynn, you still there?

Well, if you wait I can get my clone to do it.

No! I absolutely forbid you to get cloned!

-Send him to his room! That'll teach him!

-Yeah! GO TO YOUR ROOM!

There was no need for that.

You monster! I shall go and comfort the poor mite!

KNOCKING

Little Howard?

-Little Howard?

-Go away!

I'm sorry I sent you to your room.

I'm still a bit confused why I did that.

I've given up on answering my Big Question. I want to go to sleep.

I need your help working out how to stay awake at the wedding.

It's not that they're boring or anything,

-it's just that Lynn's got a very relaxing voice.

-Brilliant!

-I want some biscuits.

-Do biscuits help you stay awake?

I want some bi-bi-bi-biscuits!

"Dr Boomhouse's One-Stop Clone Shop.

"I clone anything you like for a fiver."

Brilliant!

Oh! Morning, squire, want something cloning for the weekend?

Yes, please.

A rat? Two rats. Tell you what, two sheep

and I'll throw in a Siamese pig for free? Went a bit wrong.

Could you tell me how it works first?

Oh, well, scientific explanations are extra, mate.

-What's it worth?

-I've got...

a used tissue and a badge.

Oh, fair enough, the explanation is not that good. Right, cloning.

Take this puppy.

Now, say you wanted two of these - and who wouldn't?

All you've got to do is pop him into my patented cloning machine.

Oh, yeah, you do that, and that and there you go...

Double-bingo! You've two of 'em! What about that?

That is your explanation?! I'm takin' me tissue back.

All right, look, don't tell anyone

but all the information on how every living thing is grown

is contained in DNA.

What's that stand for?

Deoxyribonucleic Acid. Well, thanks for popping in. Bye!

Wait a minute! Apart from a long word,

what's Day Oxy Ribena Nuclear-hick flaccid?

Well, let's just call it DNA, shall we?

It's tiny strips of information

which is in all the cells of all living things.

So it's a bit like a plan of what everything will grow into.

So we copy the information in the DNA

and make an exact copy of the original puppy! Hmm?

Wow!

I want some biscuits.

-Yeah, you've said that about 15 times now, Little Howard.

-Brilliant!

I, Little Howard, have come up with another of my bi-biscuits.

VOICE FAST-FORWARDS

That should fool him into thinking I'm still here!

Thanks, Mother, I'm off to the cloning lab now.

Ah, erm...

LITTLE HOWARD: I want some biscuits.

Cloning lab, eh? Well, you tell him,

-when he gets back here both of him is grounded!

-Biscuits.

All right? So what d'ya say?

Two for a fiver or five for 20 quid? I'm robbing myself.

Shouldn't cloning take longer than three seconds?

Er, no, no, not really.

I mean, all those other scientists, they take ages, but I'm quick.

Pronto - in, out, no questions asked, no money,

no badges, no tissues, refundable, all right?

-Can you clone me?

-You?! Ah, well, you've got no DNA you see.

You're a drawing. I could clone you

for less than a fiver... if you're interested.

Mother? What are you doing in there?!

Big Howard rumbled our plan and he's very cross.

Blimey! So that's not a great way of being in two places at once,

if even Big Howard doesn't fall for it!

I've got someone else. You'll need to get out of the house.

Don't worry, I've got it covered.

Don't talk to her. She is in solitary confinement. Come here now!

-You are grounded, young man.

-I'm very sorry, Big Howard.

I shan't take my eyes off you for a minute!

Trying to sneak out of the house without me noticing!

I'm not an idiot, you know! Eyes like a hawk!

Hello?! Is anyone home?

Hello, cartoon boy.

-How can I help?

-Blimey! I want to be in two places at once.

OK. I'm run by a computer program, which I can send from this body...

..to this one.

Wow!

Why?

We are designed to help people who can't move about,

so one of us can ask them a question while they're in one room.

And the other one knows about it straight away!

Cor! But I don't think even Big Howard would think you were me.

Then you should meet Casper. Here he is.

Hello, Little Howard.

Aarrgh!

Lots of people have that reaction to me.

But children with autism like the fact that I don't look quite human.

-What's autism?

-It affects how you interact with the world.

Autistic children don't understand other people and often get scared.

They like that I'm a robot and they talk to me without being scared.

-I like the fact you're a robot!

-Fancy a game?

-Cool!

I mean, your behaviour has been...

Don't you look at me like that, young man!

-Well done! You win, Little Howard.

-Yay!

You thrashed him there, Little Howard!

I better go. Big Howard might have spotted my decoy by now.

Before you go, take this.

"Build Your Own Super-Intelligent Robot.

"Guaranteed not to take over the world." Thanks!

Building a robot's easy, ask these guys...

Oh! I mean, ignore the men with computers,

-they're not controlling me!

-OK!

Hi, Adrian! Hi, Lynn! Look, I've finished your replacement cake!

Oh, we had a heck of a time getting here.

There was road-works on the A439184, you know, just by the garden centre.

That's fascinating, Lynn. I'm glad you're here.

Little Howard's been really sulking,

giving me the silent treatment.

Big Howard, I'm not sure how to tell you this...

THUD!

Little Howard!!!!!!

Oh dear.

He's really quite cross, isn't he?

I can't believe he put us both in solitary confinement.

Together!

I've learned loads about robots

but I can't build one if I'm stuck in here!

There are worse places to be if you want to build a robot.

Look at all this stuff! Hmm...

HAMMERING, CLATTERING AND DRILLING

You can come out now.

That'll teach you for trying to trick me so you can sneak out

and answer your Big Question!

-Sorry, Big Howard.

-That's OK, Little Howard.

So long as we've no more of this two-places-at-once nonsense!

I promise.

A perfect replica - if you're a bit thick!

If we have finished trying to go to Custard Expo,

we need to find a way to stay awake at the wedding.

I could always shoot you with my destruction ray.

What destruction...?

Ahh! Arghhhh!

Oh! What was...?

Actually, that'll do the trick!

I have got it set on "stun".

But it is powerful enough to destroy an entire planet!

-Hi, H9. How's the plan going?

-He believes I'm you.

But I think something of higher intelligence,

like a concussed badger, will not be fooled.

So, how can I be at the Custard Expo and the wedding at the same time?

I'd need to fool normal, if staggeringly boring, people.

You need a portal to a parallel universe,

to find an alternate version of yourself and bring them back here!

Yeah, but parallel universes are just on Dr Who, aren't they?

Some quantum physicists believe there are many different universes

and a new one is created every time people make decisions.

Here, I will show you.

Blimey!

I've ripped a hole in the space/time continuum.

-In you hop.

-Little Howard! I'm trying to read an email from Lynn

-but I keep waking up with my head on the keyboard!

-Coming!

Waa-hooo!

This is my room! Parallel-parking universe, my eye!

Although someone's tidied up a bit.

Oh, wow!

A badly drawn version of Little Howard from a parallel universe!

-How quaint!

-Badly drawn? Why... What's that on your face!?

Little Howard, check it out!

There's a two-dimensional version of you from a parallel universe!

So I do have a parallel me!

Brilliant! I can get him to go to the wedding instead!

Aargh! This will definitely keep me awake at the wedding!

Ow! It's a great idea!

Ow! Howard, you're on fire!

My pleasure!

Oh. You are actually on fire.

Oh, must get that fixed before the invasion.

-The what?

-Um...nothing!

-Ow!!!

Like, wow! Look at you. You're like me

but from a hilariously under-funded parallel universe!

I'm guessing your Big Howard isn't as successful as me, huh?

I'm much more expensive than you. Check out the rendering on this.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, I bet if he was on your show,

you'd have to do a cheap "best of" episode at the end of the series!

But I'm worth it, baby. Look at the individual hairs!

No-one'll believe we're the same person!

What, cos I look so darned good?

-Look! Zero pixilation!

-That's what I'm talking about!

No, because you're a twonk.

How will this help me go to Adrian and Lynn's wedding

AND the custard exhibition?!

It's not usually my bag to give handouts

to scruffy oiks from other dimensions but seeing as it's you...

well, us, I've got something in my wardrobe that might be able to help.

Come and have a look. Ciao.

Aaargh!

Oh, hi, H9, thanks for covering for me.

My work here is done.

I have fooled the large humanoid and zapped him several times,

which was good practise.

Brilliant! Practise for what?

Nothing! Now I think I will explore the parallel universe.

I'm so glad you didn't turn out to be one of those evil maniac robots

that wants to take over the world.

And bring it to its kneeeees!

Ooh-ah! The only thing is,

people might notice you zapping me at the wedding.

And my suit is made of pure nylon,

so it might be a fire risk.

Don't worry, I think I may have the solution to all our problems,

which is quite literally out of this world.

CHURCH BELLS PEAL I know pronounce you man and wife.

At the time, Adrian was driving an Austin Ambassador Y-reg.

Very reliable car.

Excuse me, I need a widdle!

Quite reliable, but this was far from Adrian's most reliable car.

Oh, no! That was a beige Passat!

Hello. I'm back.

Would you like me to let you know what you missed?

Hello, Little Howard!

You're just in time for the Custard of the Future exhibition.

Brilliant!

# How can I be there while I am here?

# Without being a robot engineer?

# I'm here cos custard, custard

# Everyone loves custard!

# I get flustered When I am near custard

# Always trusted Best not confused with mustard

# Custard for ever, for me! #

And that was before they built the new fly-over.

Incidentally, I have loads of photos

that I'd like to share with you now.

Excuse me, just got to go to the little boys' room.

Because I'm a little boy.

Sorry, that woke you up. Beg your pardon.

The structure of the fly-over from the beginning...

Oh, where have you been?

Just to get some, er, custard.

You're just in time for

the who-can-eat-the-most-custard- without-drowning competition!

Hooray!

# How can I be there and here at once?

# All you have to do is use your bonce!

# To eat custard, custard

# There's one thing I must add

# To that custard and that is hot milk

# Stir it, boil it But too long will spoil it

# Custard for ever for me! #

I must admit, that wedding was pretty dull.

I thought it was lovely!

The way that woman can talk about love

and re-enforced concrete is astounding.

Hello, Big Howard.

And...Little Howard?!

-Hello, Little Susan! Hello, Little Howard.

-Hello!

# Lightly dusted In a film of custard

# Till I'm busted Custard is for me

# In hot custard Let me be encrusted

# Custard for ever for me! #

Thank goodness! It was really hot in that Little Howard suit!

How was the Big Howard suit, Mother?

Surprisingly comfortable. Plenty of ventilation, especially at the back.

-What the?!

-Sorry. It's the only way we could be in both places at once.

It turns out that cartoons can't be cloned

and my robot double wasn't very realistic.

-What robot double?

-Unless you're Big Howard.

We borrowed skin suits from doubles in a parallel dimension.

Sounds plausible.

No wonder you won the who-can-eat-the-most-custard- without-drowning competition,

-you were that great fat lump!

-What did you win?

The prize was ten year's supply of...

# Custard! Custard! There can't be enough said

# About custard Custard is for me!

# I'm mal-adjusted If I can't have custard

# Custard forever

# I'll leave a spoonful never

# Custard for ever for me! #

Arghh!

Puny parallel earthlings! You will bend before my majesty!

You will all obey me!

Obey! Obey!

Obey!