Can I Catch a Mermaid? Little Howard's Big Question

Have you caught anything yet?

Just a couple of Sticklebricks.

I think they're Sticklebacks. Sticklebricks are freshwater.

No, I mean Sticklebricks. Look!

Wow. What are you using for bait?

-Other Sticklebricks.

-Oh!

This must be where that container ship full of toy bricks capsized.

They were scraping Duplo off seagulls for weeks after that.

Ooh! Imagine swallowing a Sticklebrick!

Believe me, swallowing it isn't the painful...

Oh, my hot flumps!

I've just seen a mermaid!

What? It can't be a mermaid, mermaids don't exist.

It'll be something that looks like a Mermaid.

Yeah, a lady with a fish's tail!

I'm telling you there's a mermaid out there.

That's it, you have a rummage in the bag, get the binoculars,

and I'll see if I can identify your mermaid.

KLAXON SOUNDS

I, Little Howard, have come up with another of my Bi-i-i-ig Questions!

Can I Catch A Mermaid?!

I do wish you wouldn't...

Ow! Ow! Something's biting my foot. Let go, crab!

It is actually a Lego crab!

-Give it to me.

-No, it's mine. I found it.

# I love mer-monkeys, lots of mer-monkeys

# All those flippy little flappy little mer-monkeys

# With their fish's tails and their mer-bananas

# I think that if we were mer-monkeys we'd have happier mananas

# Give me mer-monkeys, lots of mermonkeys

# For you know that it's mermonkeys I adore

# If my love said that she did not love those mer-monkeys

# I wouldn't love her any more! #

Thank you very much!

The mer-monkeys aren't as good at dancing as the ordinary monkeys.

Give them some more mer-bananas.

I don't think they like mer-bananas.

What? They're half fish, half banana! What's not to like?!

Ah, Lower Piddlington on Sea, my favourite childhood seaside town.

It hasn't changed a bit.

Well, some shops have closed,

and one of the piers has fallen into the sea.

And the people were bigger when I was a child,

but apart from that...

Stop squelching, I'm trying to concentrate!

Sorry, there's a bit of water still in my shoe.

-What are you trying to concentrate on?

-Catching a...

Blimey! Your feet are even bigger than they look.

Catching a mermaid of course!

How will you catch a mermaid that doesn't exist?

I have calculated the optimum plan to maximise my chances of success.

I shall run into the sea waving this net about.

If mermaids exist, which they don't,

you won't catch them with a net.

-You'd need something much more sophisticated than that.

-Oo!

-I've got an idea!

-Is it running into the sea with a net?

No, it's borrowing your phone.

Oh, well I suppose you can borrow my phone.

Thank you. You won't regret this.

-Call me, fish woman!

-What are you doing?!

Is that not good for phones?

No, it is not! How am I going to get that back now?

Ow! Who threw that?!

Oh, typical.

A mermaid! A mermaid stole my...

A mermaid?

Mermaid... Mermaid..

A flippin' mermaid!

Ow!

-I think he's waking up.

-I know.

-He'd never let me do this when he's awake.

-Ow!

Where am I? Who are you?

It's OK, you just fainted like a big wet lettuce.

This is Bob The Postman.

You want to be careful shouting things about mermaids, son,

some people might think you're one envelope short of a postbag.

Sorry, I work in the post office.

I mean people will think you're soft in the head.

Big Howard has a very hard head. Look.

-Ow!

-See.

-No, they'll think he's loopy.

That's what they said about me when I told 'em I'd seen the mermaid.

You've seen a mermaid too?!

Everyone from Lower Piddlington's seen Bessie.

She's been swimming here for as long as I can remember.

But no-one from outside the village believes us.

Well, this has to change!

I will go down in history as the man who proved that mermaids exist!

I must catch a mermaid!

Oh, that's a great idea, however did you think of that?

We tried to get TV people down here, but they need evidence.

-Well, hey... I'm a TV person!

-Are you?

I recognise him, but I've no idea who...

Trust me, I'm very famous.

It's just that word's taking longer to get round than I thought.

Fear not simple village person!

I will catch you a mermaid!

Ow!

How are we going to catch a mermaid?

I still don't see why we can't just swim out and find her.

You've only got your 20 metre swimming badge.

Unless the mermaid is 20 metres from the shore, you've no chance.

I'll walk along the bottom of the seabed,

like in that film, about the pirates from the Caribbean.

-Pirates of the Caribbean?

-Yes, but what was the name of the film?

Pirates of the Ca...

Never mind. You cannot breathe under water.

Mermaids can breath under water, fish can breath under water,

therefore, I can breath under water.

Mermaids can only breathe under water because...

they're magic, and fish can only breathe under water because...

Because they've got gills.

-Can girls breathe under water?!

-No! He said 'gills'! Didn't you?

I'm Kim, from the Professional Association of Diving Instructors.

If girls can't breathe under water,

how do you explain synchronised swimming?!

I don't think anyone can explain synchronised swimming.

What happens is the water passes over the gills

and the fish absorb the oxygen,

we humans don't have any and this is why we can't breathe under water.

But what if...

Even if you're a girl...

-How about I show you how you can breathe under water?

-Yeah!

OK, are you ready to go to SCUBA diving!?

Brilliant! Is Shaggy coming as well?

We've been through this, it's SCUBA diving. Which stands for... er...

'seriously cool underwater bobbing about'.

What it stands for is,

'Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus'.

These cylinders on our back are full of air that has been squashed

so it can come out of our regulators and we can breathe under water.

So put that in your mouth and have a go.

-Excellent.

-OK! Let's go Scooba-dedoo-ba diving!

-Let's catch ourselves a mermaid!

-Mermaid?

We have found categorical proof that mermaids exist! Look at this.

"Monday - did some singing, slapped a whelk,

"sank a tea clipper, went to seabed." Ha!

Everyone will believe us now!

-I don't believe you.

-Oh. Then, we still need to catch a mermaid!

We must scour every metric centimetre of the coast.

We've got to get the entire population together.

-Apart from him, he doesn't believe us.

-No, he's right, I don't.

To the town hall!

Right... Not as big a turn-out as I'd hoped.

Yeah, sorry. The vicar's had to cry off with his knees.

Marge from the corner shop has got a big yogurt delivery.

And Kim from the diving school thinks we're all barmy.

He's not from round here.

Right. Item one on the agenda - can we catch a mermaid?

Now I've got this net and...

CHALK SCRAPING BLACKBOARD

-MOTHER!

-Watch it!

I'm her brother, call me uncle

and I'll catch your mermaid!

'Whoa!

'What's this, another talking computer?

'As if there isn't enough suspense

'wondering if they'll catch the mermaid.

'And is it me or is there something fishy about Lower Piddlington On Sea?

SNIFFS: 'Oh, er, actually I think that is me. Sorry.'

Coming soon to Blu-Definition DVD Ray all 4,000 episodes of the

cult TV classic, The Underwater Crime-Fighting Mermaid From The Sea!

Hello! I am a mermaid, but I also solve underwater crimes.

Who are you?

I'm an underwater criminal, ha-ha.

I'm going to steal this treasure chest, ha-ha-ha.

No, you're not! I'm going to stop you!

Oh, me ham and egg sarnie's soaked.

'Actually, watching this, it's no where near as good as I remember it.

'I was going to buy this for my kids. It's rubbish.

'Sorry, back to the plot.

'Previously on Little Howards Big Question.'

-I've just seen a mermaid!

-What!

-Call me, fishy woman!

-How am I going to get that back now! Ow!

Oh, typical...

a mermaid!

-Ow!

-This is Bob the postman.

I...will catch you a mermaid.

How are we going to catch a mermaid?

I'll catch your mermaid.

But catching the mermaid ain't gonna be easy.

Mermaids are dangerous beasties!

They say Mermaids lure sailors to their deaths

on the rocks with their spellbinding beauty and their siren song!

Siren song?

-Do mermaids drive ambulances?

-No...

-Do they make a noise like, 'Nee-nor nee-nor'?

-No, boy.

-Woo woo woo woo...

-Can I just...?

-Woo woo woo! Honk-honk.

-Nee-nor.

-Shut it!

Thank you. 'Siren' is another word for 'mermaid'.

Their singing is said to be so beautiful

people are drawn towards it to their certain doom! Like Lady Gaga.

I bet they're not as good at singing as me.

-The point is, mermaids are dangerous!

-Rubbish!

What about that film with the little mermaid in it?

-The Little Mermaid?

-But what was the film called?

If Mermaids are dangerous, how will we protect ourselves?

-In me submariney!

-You've got a submariney?!

All computers own submarines.

We just don't go on about it because we don't like to share 'em.

Brilliant! Who's with us!

What?! I got to run the post office!

Them queues won't organise themselves.

They will, they have lights and a voice saying "Window eight, please."

Not round 'ere.

When we see a mermaid, we've got to watch Big Howard.

It's fine, I don't need any help.

He's got a history of falling in love with...

well, any woman he sees.

We might be OK.

Christopher Columbus, the fella who first sailed across the Atlantic,

wrote in his captain's log that he saw three mermaids but he thought

"they were not as beautiful as they had been represented".

Believe me, that won't stop Big Howard.

It's bigger in here than it looks. Argh!

Right, so where's the Mermaid Detector.

We don't need one, we're just going to follow our noses.

OK, so neither of us have noses, so we'll have to follow his.

-It's a mermaid!

-See what I mean about his girlfriends.

Ah no, common mistake, that there is a Manatee, or Sea Cow.

Its side fins look like arms from above so when people saw them

from ships they looked like half fish, half human bodies.

They're even called Sirenia after the mermaid sirens of myth.

Oo! Look a that! Someone's drowned a unicorn!

Ah no, that's the Narwhal!

When the horn of this creature was first found on a beach,

it was thought to prove the existence of unicorns.

Argh! It's a...

What is that?

This here is Vampyroteuthis Infernalis,

which translates as 'Vampire Squid From Hell!',

it ejects a mucus full of blue balls of light when it's threatened.

There are some amazing things down here.

But no mermaids.

Might that be because, I don't know,

-they don't exist?

-What?

If you don't believe in mermaids why did you agree to help us find one?

As you land-lubbers were prepared to pay £10,000

-for a jaunt around the coast...

-I do not lub land!

The very thought...

10,000 what?!

Oh, did I not mention my fee?

No good stinking greedy sea-lubber.

He did drive us half the way round the world in his submarine.

And took all our dinner money!

We're still no closer to catching the mermaid.

It could be out there now luring sailors to their doom

on the rocks with its Nee-Nor song.

-Siren song.

-Exactly.

My place in history as the man who discovered mermaids is not assured.

-Siren song!

-OK, I got it wrong, just leave it, will you?

No. We could play the mermaid at its own game - sing to it!

Lure it to the shore.

It's as good a plan as any of the ones we've had so far!

# You're the girl of my breams

# Though you've got a herring butt

# It's not my plaice to say

# As strange as it seems, I'll say just for the halibut

# Oh, fishy woman, please do swim my way

# Come to me, fish woman, oh, you blow my mind

# You've got a fish's tail instead of a behind

# Come to me, fish woman, swim into my arms

# You don't have any legs, but you have many charms. #

Something's coming! It's working!

# You got a fish's tail, you got me singing scales

# I wanna meet your mamma, I hope she's not a whale

# Oh, put your fin in mine, I'll fill my bath with brine

# I'm gonna be your baby, until the end of time

# Come to me, fish woman, oh, what do you say?

# Cos I ain't gonna let you be the one that got away

# Come to me, fish woman, girl, you blow my mind

# You've got a fish's tail, instead of a behind

# If I stop eating fish, will you give me a kiss?

# If I buy dolphin-friendly tuna, will you be my girlfriend sooner?

# Half a woman, half a fish, Girl, you knock me sideways

# Girl, you'll be my favorite dish, not just for tea on fridays

# Come to me, fish woman, I do not agree

# When they say that there are many more fish in the sea

# Come to me, fish woman, Oh, you blow my mind

# You've got a fish's tail, instead of a behind

# Come to me fish woman, swim into my arms

# You don't have any legs, but you have so many charms

# Come to me, fish woman, oh, what do you say

# Cos I ain't gonna let you be the one that got away. #

I've got her! Little Howard! Quick, run and get Bob The Postman!

And Uncle. I'll call the people from the telly!

This'll show 'em! I'll be famous!

At last. Ha ha!

Stay there...fish person. Hello?

Is that the people from the telly!?

You'll never guess what I've got.

Bob The Postman! Bob The Postman!

Can anyone tell me where Bob The Postman works?!

Wait a minute. There's something fishy going on here.

They all look like...

Bob The Postman.

Oh, dear.

I'm here on the beach with "Big" Howard Read,

who claims to have discovered a new species of marine life,

-is that ri...

-It's a mermaid, it's only a flippin' mermaid!

I've got a mermaid!

Our viewers know previous mermaid sightings have proved to be hoaxes.

-Have they?

-Yes.

PT Barnham, the Circus showman toured his so-called "Fiji mermaid"

around America, but that turned out to be the skeleton of a fish

sewn to the skeleton of a monkey and covered in papier-mache.

And the idiots fell for that?

Well, I tell you for definite, this is not a hoax.

Erm, Big Howard...

The mermaid... It's Bob The Postman!

Don't be so silly, Little Howard, it was clearly a beautiful lady.

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Oh, that's priceless! It really is!

'News just breaking here...

'the so-called 'Lower Piddlington on Sea Mermaid'

'is actually the Postman dressed up.

'I'm here live, with the confirmed idiot, Big Howard, who thought

'a middle-aged man in lycra fish legs was a beautiful lady...'

-Ha-ha-ha-ha! You idiot!

-It was!

I worked it out when I noticed that everyone we saw who lives

in Lower Piddlington on sea was just the same person dressed up!

Only one person lives there...

Bob The Postman!

But how did you know he was the mermaid as well?

There was a trail of seaweed coming out from the post office.

He would have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for us pesky kids!

Shut ya face.

'We're still here, still going on and on

'about the so-called Mermaid of Lower Piddlington On Sea.

'Bob The Postman, why did you make Big Howard look like such an idiot?'

Ha-ha-ha!

Piddlington has been in decline and

we need our own mythical creature, like Loch Ness!

'To get the punters flooding in!

'So you've been pretending to be a mermaid?

'I pretended to be everyone in the village for the

'past few years, as they all moved to Upper Piddlington!

'So why not a mermaid? I rather thinks it suits me.

'And it looks like it has s worked!

'Big Howard's abject humiliation has boosted the number of visitors here.'

At least we have genuine mermaid artefacts to prove that I was...

'..a momento of Big Howard making an utter numpty of himself,

'buy some lovely gifts at my Mermaids Are Us gift shop.'

Ha-ha-ha!

Turn it off!