How Can I Change Someone's Mind? Little Howard's Big Question


How Can I Change Someone's Mind?

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Transcript


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-So you promise to do the washing up and tidy your room, yes?

-Yes.

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-One day.

-What are you expecting to find anyway?

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I dunno, a Miley Cyrus karaoke DVD, Peter Andre's latest life story,

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a box of human noses.

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A curious situation for our heroes find themselves in,

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I think you'll agree.

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This was how we were going to start the episode

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but decided it was too confusing.

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In fact, we changed our minds.

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So that's why the cat went to the moon.

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And finally, the TV show Flannel Alan has been cancelled.

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The stupid programme about a stupid flannel called Alan

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has been called "rubbish and stupid" by everyone,

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except the Prime Minister, who used a swear word.

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We spoke to the man who finally axed the stupid flannel,

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BBC boss Todd Otterback.

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It was the only TV show

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you could hear people's mums complaining about from space.

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This is the most popular decision I've made

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since giving Barney Harwood his own TV channel.

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Oh, dear.

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Shall we go to the other end of the bath, Flannel Alan? Shall we?

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What's that you say, Flannel Alan?

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"Euwrgh! Euwrrgghh! Euwgh!"

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No, still not getting it.

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-KNOCK ON DOOR

-< Little Howard, can I come in?

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Can Big Howard come in, Flannel Alan?

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"Euwrgh! Euwrrgghh!"

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No, I've no idea what you're saying.

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Little Howard?

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-I'm afraid I've got some bad news.

-Oh, no! Has the goldfish died?

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Again?

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-No. The boss of the BBC has cancelled Flannel Alan.

-What?!

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Who? How? Why?!

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Well, apparently...

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-everyone thinks it's rubbish.

-Oh!

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And everyone's opinion is more important than mine, is it?!

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-It's my favourite!

-I know.

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Look, Flannel Alan wouldn't want us to be sad, would he?

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He'd carry on galloping about with his merry squawk.

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He wouldn't go to p... Oh!

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-HORN BLARES

-Aaarrgghh!

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I, Little Howard, have come up with another of my Biiiiiig Questions!

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How can I change someone's mind?

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-MUFFLED SPEECH

-I do wish you wouldn't do that. Ow, stop!

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My too-fishy wooden poo hat?!

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# You love monkeys You love monkeys

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# All those happy little chirpy little monkeys

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# With their tales and their bananas

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# You think that if we all were monkeys you'd have happier mananas

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# Give you monkeys Lots of monkeys

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# For you know that it's the monkeys you adore

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# If your love said that you did not love those monkeys

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# You wouldn't love her any more. #

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Would you?

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There! My hypno-specs have convinced our entire audience

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that they love monkeys.

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Quick lads! Form a boy-band!

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-ROBOTIC VOICE

-I love monkeys.

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Mother, how do I change someone's mind about something?

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-What's that banging?

-It's Big Howard trying to get out of my wardrobe.

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I need to change the boss of the BBC's mind about...

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Who? Todd Otterback? He's dishy!

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He's not! He's just cancelled Flannel Alan.

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Well you could try to argue with him.

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What, like call him a big flan-head and kick him in the knee?

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No, that's fighting. Arguing's different.

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Argument is the use of words to convince people using logic

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-and reason. You need to persuade him that he's got it wrong!

-Aaarrgghh!

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But how do I find him?

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Well I have hacked into the BBC mainframe

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-and downloaded his mobile number and diary.

-Wow!

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You did all that for me?

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Nope. I did that ages ago.

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Did I mention he is a hottie!

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Yes.

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Er, thanks.

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Where are you going?!

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I'm going to find the boss of the BBC and kick him in the knee!

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What?!

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Little Howard, you can't argue with Todd Otterback.

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He's the most unreasonable boss the BBC's ever had.

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If you annoy him, he might cancel our show!

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-Shush! According to his diary he's...

-Where'd you get his dia...?

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..spending time with his friend Jim.

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MUSIC: "Higher" by Taio Cruz

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There he is - Todd Otterback, the most feared man in telly!

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He's just a big pussycat.

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And a hottie, apparently.

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Janet, I want it with mayonnaise or I'm cancelling Antiques Roadshow!

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'Right away, sir.'

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Todd Otterback, I put it to you, very convincingly,

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that Flannel Alan is good and not rubbish!

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What?! Flannel Alan is like watching watching paint dry.

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-Watching watching paint dry?!

-Yes. "Watching Paint Dry"

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was a show we did on BBC Four for a while. I cancelled it.

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It was nearly as rubbish as Flannel Alan.

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How dare you!

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One day I'll be powerful enough to actually cancel people.

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-PHONE RINGS

-'Hello, Todd Otterback?'

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I can't talk now, I'm on a rowing machine.

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-'I just called to say you're a dishy hottie!'

-What?

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I'm a "dishy hottie?" Who is this?!

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In a recent survey, 100% of cartoon boys

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said that Flannel Alan is the best show on telly ever!

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-Yeah, that's just you, isn't it?

-Er...

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Cor, this arguing lark's hard, isn't it?

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Sorry, Mr Otterback, sir.

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MUSIC: "Feeling Good" by Muse

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HE GROANS

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-I put it to you...

-Aren't you in one of my TV shows?

-Yes.

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Yes, he's Richard Hammond off Top Gear. Nice thighs, by the way.

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Blimey, he's grown.

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-Janet. Cancel Top Gear.

-'Yes, Mr Otterback.'

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-Now!

-'Right away, sir.'

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-Let go! He nearly agreed with me then!

-No he didn't!

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He's a very powerful man and he hates Flannel Alan,

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-There's no point. It's a lost cause.

-That is a shame.

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Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

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Please don't cry. Just stop.

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But it's my favourite programme in the world, Big Howard!

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But there's nothing we can do.

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I'll just be incredibly sad for the rest of my life.

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I mean if there was anything we could do I'd...

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Don't worry, Big Howard.

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I'll just cry until all my ink dissolves in tears. Waaaaah!

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-All right! I'll help!

-Brilliant.

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Right, I thought we could change the minds of the entire country

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with a colossal advertising campaign.

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So, a nationwide advertising campaign on television, radio,

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magazines, the internet, billboards and football sponsorship

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will come to about...er... carry the three...

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£40 million.

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-How much is an advert in the newsagent's window?

-50p.

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Little Howard, you haven't got £40 million in your piggy bank.

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-I don't think you've even got 50p.

-OK, plan B - blackmail.

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-What?!

-Sorry, not blackmail.

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What's the word when you find out an embarrassing secret about someone

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and then threaten to tell everyone if they don't do what you say?

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-That IS blackmail.

-Call it what you like, Big Howard.

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All we have to do is sneak into Todd Otterback's house and...

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Can I come?

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No. And find evidence of something that could ruin his career.

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No way!

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Blackmail is illegal and immoral and under no circumstances

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am I going to go out there and sit in a garden and...

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-So you promise to do the washing up and tidy your room, yes?

-Yes.

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-One day.

-What are you expecting to find anyway?

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I dunno, a Miley Cyrus karaoke DVD, Peter Andre's latest life story,

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a box of human noses.

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You know if he catches us, that's our careers over?

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We'll have to go and live in a skip. Mother will have to go live on eBay.

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Oh! Here he comes!

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I don't care what Jeremy Clarkson says,

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the tiny cartoon one annoyed me at the gym

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so Top Gear is finished, you hear?

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So, we just wait here and wait till he goes to bed.

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Little Howard?!

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Of course Richard Hammond is a cartoon. I've just met him.

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Little Howard!

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HE BREAKS WIND

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Now. If I was collecting the paws of neighbourhood cats,

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where would I hide them?

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Cancel that.

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Er...the News.

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Cancel it.

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-What?!

-Eek!

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You...!

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Little Howard's for it now! This show could be cancelled and he could

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go to jail for attempted blackmail and trespassing!

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I can't watch! In fact, I'm watching the ads with my eyes closed.

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This is TV's much-loved flannel, Flannel Alan, in happier times.

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But now this small, defenceless facecloth,

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is being forced off our screens and onto the streets.

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Giving just £40 million will help us buy a national advertising campaign

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to change the mind of everyone in the country and get him back on telly,

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where he belongs.

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Aaarrgghh! Aaarrgghh!

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Aaarrgghh!

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Richard Hammond!

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You broke my beautiful plate collection!

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I see that cancelling Top Gear

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didn't get the message through your tiny mullet!

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I'm going to make sure that you never, ever...

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Richard?

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Richard Hamster Hammond?

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I don't remember ordering

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a life-size cut-out of Richard Hammond.

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Must be a promotional thing.

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Creepy.

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What happened then?!

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I guess that cliffhanger was so dramatic

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-I got stuck in the freeze-frame.

-Oh!

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How implausibly useful. Let's get out of here!

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Oh! I thought you were burglars!

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Well, one of us IS!

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Little Howard snuck into Todd Otterback's house

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to try and find something to blackmail him with

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so he wouldn't cancel Flannel Alan!

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-Did you find anything?

-That is hardly the point!

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It's dangerous, it's illegal... did you?

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Perhaps a hanky that smells of his aftershave?

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No, he just sits in an armchair watching telly

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and reading magazines all day.

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And he collects rubbishy ceramic plates.

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Well, collectED.

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That's it! I'm having nothing more to do with your big question.

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Ah, well, I didn't want to do this, but... Please, Big Howard, please?

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-Please, Big Howard, please?

-That's not going to work.

-Please! Please!

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-Please!

-I'm going to bed. That's not going to work.

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Please! Please! Please! Please, Big Howard, please?

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Please, Big Howard, please, Big Howard, please, Big Howard,

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Please, Big Howard, please, Big Howard, please. Ah, go on!

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Please, Big Howard, please, Big Howard, please, Big Howard,

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Please! Please! Please, Big Howard, please Big Howard, please!

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Pleeeaaassseee!

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Pleeeaaassseee!

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Pleeeaaassseee!

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Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease

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Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease...

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Yes, all right!

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Oh, thank goodness.

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I reckon three more pleases and I would have probably given up!

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You might not have made it past two.

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Sorry, Mother, where were we?

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I just had to change Big Howard's mind again.

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I've been thinking about Todd Otterback.

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Yes? Have you got a plan?

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No, I've just been thinking about his lovely face. Mmmm!

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Oh! Did you say he loves telly and magazines? That gives me an idea.

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"David Tennant gets Flannel Alan tattoo."

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"'I wish I had a flannel like Alan!' says David Beckham."

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Eh! That infernal flannel must be more popular than I realised.

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Ooh! He's got his own range of ceramic plates!

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I've hacked into his satellite dish.

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I'm just broadcasting the propaganda to his TV now.

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This just in. Thousands of people are taking to the streets

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to protest against the cruel cancellation of Flannel Alan.

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My goodness!

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I've completely misjudged the mood of the nation!

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I'd better buy those plates!

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Hello, Flannel Alan Ceramic Plates.

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-Iain Stirling, is that you?

-No, sir, it's Chris. Chris Johnson.

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'All us CBBC celebs'

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run Flannel Alan ceramics companies in our spare time.

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It's because we love him. So much!

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Really? I'll have 20 please.

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Nice work, Chris.

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Thank you.

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Now please can you not draw glasses and a moustache on Hacker.

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Get off me, Little Howard!

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Janet, I need a word about...

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-'Yes, Mr Otterback, sir.'

-..Flannel Alan.

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'Coming soon. The All New Adventures Of Flannel Alan.

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'But good.'

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Wake up! We've done it, we've changed his mind!

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Flannel Alan's back!

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'The Dino-flies and Robo-gators are closing in!

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'Flannel Alan trans-flannel-forms into Flannel Manta-ray!'

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That's not Flannel Alan.

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I know! It looks...really good!

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It's not his voice! And his bath doesn't fly in space...

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PHONE RINGS ..that's stupid!

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-Hello?

-Hi, are you Richard Hammond's dad?

-Er...

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Tell him I've put Flannel Alan back on TV.

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-I know, we saw it, it looks amazing!

-No, it looks...different.

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We pumped loads of money in to make it less rubbish.

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To pay for it we had to cancel a little show called, er...

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Little Howard's Big Question or something.

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But don't worry... I un-cancelled Top Gear.

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Hooray?!

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Big Howard, this new Flannel Alan looks rubbish!

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It has none of the original's homespun charm.

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Oh, well that's a shame because

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THEY'VE CANCELLED OUR SHOW TO PAY FOR IT!

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Talk about adding insects to surgery.

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What are we...? The phrase is "add insult to injury".

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WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?!

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Well, we'll just have to change his mind back!

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Again!

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About two things!

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Right.

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Barack Obama is said to be "profoundly disgusted"

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by the cynical re-launch of Flannel Alan.

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He says it's "a massive blow to world peace".

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Celebrities are so fickle.

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I'm sticking with the very expensive new Flannel!

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'Still coming soon to BBC One,

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'this Saturday night, The All New Adventures Of Flannel Al...'

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We failed. Our TV show is over.

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There is one more idea that might work.

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-No, there isn't. We changed his mind too well the first time.

-But...

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No! You've bribed me, pestered me, and emotionally blackmailed me

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to help you but I've had enough. It's pointless.

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I hate you! You're always doing this!

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Arrrrgh! You don't care about me at all, do you?

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Do you really think that having a tantrum

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is going to make me change my mind? Because it isn't.

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I'm not going to end up dressed as a ninja

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hiding behind a tree in the next shot.

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No way!

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-What's the plan this time?

-We sneak into his house while he's asleep

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and hypnotise him into changing his mind back.

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-What?! That is the most ridiculous...

-I hate you!

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-You're so unkind to me!

-It might work!

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Might work!

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Have you ever actually hypnotised anyone before?

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No, but how hard can it be?

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You are feeling very sleepy.

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Of course he is. He's asleep!

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You're feeling very asleep.

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Richard Hammond! And...some bloke?!

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-Oh, monkey-doos!

-What are we going to do?!

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Er...two, three, four!

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# Please don't do it You know that it is wrong

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# The only thing we haven't tried is telling you in song

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# Please don't do it I'm not thinking of me

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# I thinking of the children and I'm down on bended knee

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# Please don't do it It isn't very kind

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# And we'll do nearly anything to make you change your mind

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# Please don't do it Look at his little face

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# Do you really want to go and put a flannel in his place...? #

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Yes, I do.

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# Please don't do it That flannel's not as good

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# You shouldn't re-commission it What made you think you should?

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# Please don't do it My question went too far

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# And if you choose our programme he will buy you a new car... #

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What?!

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-# A Skoda?

-No.

-A Lada?

-No.

-A Mini? A trike?

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# A red Passat Estate in any colour that you like.

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-# A Fiat? A Mazda? A Peugeot?

-No.

-A Ford?

-I've got one.

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# If you increase the budget there's a Porsche we might afford... #

0:20:490:20:52

What?!

0:20:520:20:53

One of each and you're on.

0:20:550:20:58

# Yes we've done it OK, it wasn't free

0:20:580:21:01

# It only took a little bit of auto bribery

0:21:010:21:04

# Yes we've done it He's gone and changed his mind

0:21:040:21:08

# It's just we still have quite a lot of money left to find. #

0:21:080:21:13

So it all worked out fine.

0:21:240:21:27

Flannel Alan and Little Howard's Big Question are both still on TV.

0:21:270:21:32

Yeah, and all I have to do is buy Todd Otterback nine cars

0:21:320:21:35

and a tricycle!

0:21:350:21:37

He's worth it!

0:21:370:21:39

How are you going to pay for it?

0:21:390:21:40

Why, with the Little Howard's Big Question ceramic plate collection.

0:21:400:21:45

I'll tell you what. I'll smash open my piggy bank with a hammer.

0:21:490:21:53

I don't think they'll be that much money in it.

0:21:530:21:55

Oh, I know. I just want to smash open my piggy bank with a hammer.

0:21:550:21:58

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