Why Am I Afraid? Little Howard's Big Question

Ladies and gentlemen...

Jetman UK!

Friends, colleagues and invited members of the international media.

Touchdown, match point, wicket conversion!

-We're supposed to be playing football!

-I, Jetman UK...

Oh! Look! It's Jetman UK!

..after 20 years of hard work, on and off,

have finally perfected the Jetman UK Jetpack, UK!

Wow! He's finally done it!

I shall prove that a Purley-based man can fly

without the use of an aircraft or a winch.

Wow!

In a matter of seconds, I shall fly, unaided, over the cold,

hard, pointy, unyielding earth.

Erm, er...plummeting, er, swooping,

like a massive eagle...who's never actually flown before, and...

Oh dear.

Jetman UK, are you all right?

Er, no. No, I really haven't thought this through.

I kind of forgot that I'm really, really, really scared of heights.

You're Jetman UK and you're afraid of heights?! Ha!

More terrified, really.

-I'll do it!

-What?!

I will fly it for you,

so the media can spread the news of your invention all over the world!

Well, at least Purley and parts of Croydon.

Give us 'ere!

Little Howard...

Little Howard, I'm not sure about this.

LITTLE HOWARD PANTS

Aaargh!

I can't do it either! I'm...

..scared, Big Howard!

Little Howard, it's OK. Everyone's scared of something.

Except me, but not everyone's as brave and fearless as I am.

I, Little Howard, have come up with another of my BIIIIG Questions!

Why am I afraid?

BIG HOWARD SCREAMS

# I love monkeys, I love monkeys

# All those happy little chirpy little monkeys

# With their tails and their bananas

# I think that if we all were monkeys we'd have happier mananas

# Give me monkeys, lots of monkeys

# For you know that it's the monkeys I adore

# If my love said that she did not love those monkeys

# I wouldn't love her any more. #

Thank you very much!

Oh, perhaps the monkeys have Pomfretphobia...

which is a fear of monkeys.

Aaaah!

Ah, monkey four says they're afraid

of the giant spider by the curtain.

THEY SCREAM

-Seriously, we can't go in the house?

-My mum won't let me.

Why would I be afraid of heights?

-Because they're scary?

-No, they're not.

You're not scared of heights,

or you wouldn't walk around, ya streak of widdle.

Go easy on that thing, you're freaking me out!

-I reckon you have vertigo.

-No, vertigo means dizziness.

I think you'll find we've got acrophobia.

I'm not scared of a crow!

No, acrophobia is a fear of heights.

Although I am afraid of crows too because they can fly, can't they?

No, only idiots thinks that's called vertigo. No offence.

But how do you cure it?

I conquered my fear by not going anywhere near any for ages.

This is no good. I need to test if I'm afraid of heights properly!

-We need to get higher up. Coming?

-Erm, no. No, I, erm, forgot to go...

rollerblading with, er... Princess Anne?

-Really!? Wow!

-No, you're not.

Come on, Big Howard'll pay for lunch.

-For everything? I

-don't know...

-You're on!

Well, if I'm going out in public, I should really do this incognito.

That'll do.

Come on, Big Howard.

-I don't believe you're not scared of anything!

-No. I'm not.

I'm really very brave.

Skiing?

Wah! Mountains?

No.

-Geese?

-Urgh! Flying geese?

Nope.

Skiing geese?

I'm gonna be sick!

Injections!

Wah - you have them when you go on holiday...in a plane! Ooh!

No, I'm not afraid of injections.

-Girls?

-Aaargh!

-What have girls got to do with heights?

Nothing, I'm just terrified of girls.

Wow, you really are scared of heights.

HE SCREAMS

What are you doing?

BIG HOWARD SHOUTS

Right, you!

What's this? "Wish You Weren't Here?

"Are you afraid of heights, and a stupid friend of yours

"suggested going up a tall building to cure yourself?

"Don't listen to him, call me...

"The Fear Master!"

Are you afraid of... massive ants?

-No.

-No, but really massive ants?

-They're not flying massive ants, are they?

-No.

-Phew!

-But one of them is a girl.

-Arrgh!

-Here we are.

"The Fear Master's Den of Fear. Please wipe your feet."

THEY STUMBLE AND THUD

Actually, there's no-one in. There's no-one actually in.

Hello, are you The Fear Master?

-Yeah, hi.

-Are we...?! Aarrgh!

I'm guessing he's afraid of heights.

They usually start at a young age, phobias.

Can you remember anything in your childhood that created this?

No, I can't think of anything.

Oh, hang on, yes...

There was one occasion when my dad accidentally attached me

to a kite and pushed me off a cliff.

-Attached you to a kite and pushed you off a cliff?

-Yes, he did.

We'll be here some time. Do you want to come back in a while?

OK. Good luck!

-String!

-No, I'm not afraid of string.

Er...waffles!

-Mice!

-No.

Elephants!

-No!

-Elephants dressed as mice.

No.

Ooh! Are we playing Guess Everything In Your Brain?

No, he reckons he's not afraid of anything and I don't believe him.

He can't believe I'm grown-up and brave,

just cos he's terrified of going up a tiny ramp!

Hmm, you're not afraid of anything, you say?

Follow me!

OK, Jetman?

-UK.

-Oh, excuse me, Jetman UK.

What we're gonna do is picture a movie screen

and we're going to play,

from beginning to end in black and white,

where it first started. OK, so we're going back to that first event.

So, close your eyes.

Bring that first frame up on the movie screen.

Bring the first frame up of when you first felt that old fear,

in black and white, and press play right now.

Pause it there. Freeze frame it.

Blank it out. Jump out of the seat and jump into the screen.

Full colour. See what you see, hear what you hear, feel what you feel.

Now we're going to rewind it ten times the speed, OK?

Three, two, one, Go!

Bang! Stop it there, Blank it out, out of the screen, into your seat.

OK, I'm a bit scared now.

Look at that idiot, swerving all over the road! I blame sat navs.

Imagine, letting a computer drive you round the country!

Erm, surely...

CRASH!

No dawdling!

There you are!

What are we doing here?

You are both going to jump out of that!

BOTH: Aggghhh!

It's here at last.

The Panoonis Sticker Book of Phobias!

Untold thousands of stickers to collect,

each depicting a genuine fear!

Genuphobia - fear of knees!

Lutraphobia - fear of otters! Defecaloesiophobia - fear of pooing!

Advertophobia - fear of adverts! What?

Nobody's afraid of adverts!

PLANE ENGINE WHIRRS

Did we agree to this?

-We must have done!

-Curse those ad breaks!

Oh dear. Mother, I think my fear might be a fear of flying.

Not heights!

Oh, don't worry, you won't be doing that for long!

So long as your fear isn't jumping out of aeroplanes, you'll be fine!

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

Look, you know I said I wasn't afraid of anything?

-Yeeeees?

-Well, I think I might be...

a little bit afraid of jumping out of aeroplanes. OK?

So point proved, well done! Let's go home!

No! This is a great opportunity to learn how the body reacts to fear!

Couldn't you just tell us how the body reacts to fear?

And miss an opportunity to throw you out of an aeroplane? No chance!

I've hooked you up to some sensors, a heart-rate monitor

and a body-temperature-checking thingy.

And we'll check the results when you hit the ground!

I mean, make a completely safe, perfect textbook landing.

Although, from these readings, you might not live past take-off.

Right, when we're ready to go, we're going to put our goggles on...

your arms crossed holding on the grippers real tight.

Big screams as we leave the aircraft?

That's not going to be a problem.

Five or six seconds later, I'll give you a tap tap,

hands out either side of your head. Ready to go now?

Hell, yeah! Bring it on!

Oh! I've just remembered, erm, I'm 91 years old!

I'm far too old to do a parachute jump, so big mistake.

Turn the plane around...

Um...is it normal to be terrified?

Of course it is but you're in safe hands.

OK! Let's do it!

-Oh 'eck!

-Yippee-ki-yay!

Stop it there, blank it out. OK. Jump into the screen.

We're going to rewind at 100,000 times.

Shout it, Jetman UK, full colour, feel what you feel.

Crank the colour up, crank the intensity up, crank the volume up.

-Go Jetman UK!!

-Stop it there, blank it out.

Jump out of the screen, bring it up in black and white.

You may find you cannot.

Where is it?

Where is it? It's...

It's gone..

That's good.

MUSIC: "Learn To Fly" by Foo Fighters

Arrrggghhh!

Aaaggghhh!

Look at the camera, Big Howard!

MOTHER BLEEPS

Aaaaggghhh!

# I'd give it all away if you'd give me one last try. #

Woo!

# Burn out bright! #

Aaaaargh!

-Woo!

-Well done, Howard. Excellent job.

We fell out of a plane and we're alive!

That was such a radical rush, man!

I was really scared but I did it!

And now I feel great! It's like Christmas in my tummy!

AWESOME!

What happened to Big Howard's heart rate?

Wow! Stay still, Mother!

When I jumped out the plane, my heart rate almost doubled.

That is what's called adrenaline.

Oh! Didn't you used to play badminton with them, Big Howard?

No, that was Adrian and Lynn.

Adrenaline is like the chemical that your brain makes when you're scared.

It gives you the energy to run away.

Yeah! I feel like I could kick a bear up the bum! And run away!

And I think it might also make you want to have a poo.

Adrenalin is brilliant!

Yeah, it's like a disco in my mind and everyone's invited.

How soon can I do a flashback to that?

It was great! Oh, what the heck, they do it on Cbeebies!

Yeah, what a rush!

That was, like, totally gnarly!

My circuits are buzzing like a hornets nest yo!

Let's do it again!

-Oh dear.

-Wooo! Where's the flumping plane, dude?!

We jumped out of a plane, Big Howard!

I feel like I could do anything.

In fact...

Oh! Little Howard, do be careful! No!

# Being afraid is for bum-heads

# Caution and fear are for someone else

# Playing it safe and taking it easy

# They are the things that Will make me queasy

# Cowardice can be courageous

# I'm lily-livered and I'm OK!

# Curling up tight and crying for mummy

# They are two things I could do all day! #

-Hello?

-Hi, Big Howard. Jetman...

-UK!

-Shhhh... Is now cured!

Little Howard!

The Fear Master's ready for you!

-I don't need him any more! I am Fearless Boy!

-Aaargh!

# Being afraid is for losers

# Crying and shaking are not for me

# Fear is a word I don't understand

-# So is refraction and cummerbund!

-#

Cummerbund is a belt you wear with a posh suit

and refraction a change in direction of light due to a change in speed.

# Being afraid is for bum-heads

# Caution and fear are for someone else

# Playing it safe and taking it easy

# They are the things that will make me queazy

# Sitting at home can be thrilling

# Knitting and jig-saws are fun, fun, fun!

# Sticking your head down deep in the sand

# Is just so exiting it should be banned! #

Jetman UK's jetpack! Brilliant!

# Chickening out is for chickens

# I don't have hot wings or chicken legs!

# I don't strut about pecking at sawdust

# I never say buuuuuck! And I don't lay eggs! #

To infidelity and beyond!

I can't believe it - I've chickened out again! Fear has beaten me!

-Oh, thank goodness for that!

-It won't beat me any more though!

BOTH: Jetman UK!

That's me and I intend to no longer be unintentionally hilarious!

The Fear Master has taught me fears can keep you safe

but when you let them rule your life it's a problem.

There was a time when flying with this jetpack

would have filled my pants.

But now it will fulfil my destiny... not my pants.

-Good for you, Jetman! You're a braver man than I am!

-Yes, I am.

Farewell!

JETMAN SCREAMS

CRASH!

Oh dear.

So, the Fear Master cured you of your fear of heights then?

Yes. Turns out I should have been afraid of my engineering ability.

What was the phrase they used to describe your jetpack?

A "flying death-trap!" Note they used the word "flying".

So I was kind of right to be afraid?

Yep. What you felt wasn't an irrational fear of heights,

it may have been a very astute suspicion

that my jet-pack might not actually work very well.

At all.

Neither of you should have touched that jetpack with a bargepole.

We couldn't reach it with a bargepole! It's stuck up that tree.

Perhaps it's for the best.

Not for the tree, it's still on fire.

-Are you going to be OK, Jetman?

-Yeah, don't worry.

I'll be in here for another three months but that's not so bad.

The food's good and at least it gets me out of the shed.

Plus I've got a lovely view!