Am I Normal? Little Howard's Big Question

Welcome to North-EastEnders,

the brand-new, completely original, gritty soap opera,

different from any drama that's ever been done.

-It sounds a bit like EastEnd...

-No.

No, this is set in north-east London. Nothing like it.

Anyway, you will be auditioning

for the part of Little Jimmy Mitcham,

the latest, long-lost son of this man,

the arch-villain, Bill Mitcham.

Ahhhh! I can feel another one coming on.

They used to call it a raging fury. You know what I'm talking about.

You listen to me! I'm telling ya...

He was going to come today,

but we've asked him not to, he's terrifying. Anyway...

ready whenever you are, darling.

CLEARS HIS THROAT

Come on bruv, this is doin' my 'ead in!

I swear I done nuffing to Billy's gerbil.

We're fa-a-amily, in't we?

Yes, that was very good.

But we do have one teensy-weensy little problem-ette.

Should I mumble and wheeze a bit more?

Come on, yer doin' my 'ead in!

No, that's excellent! It's just that, we were looking for a more...

normal-looking little boy for the role of Little Jimmy Mitcham.

What do you mean, "normal"?

-Well, darling, you are a cartoon, aren't you?

-Maybe a bit.

-Leave it out!

->

Hello there.

You look far too...old to be auditioning for this part.

My son is auditioning, actually.

I don't approve.

Acting is not a proper job for a child.

You look very pretty when you... scowl...

with...loathing.

But I'm a perfectly normal-looking cartoon.

I'm not a talking sponge or a skunk who does martial arts!

I know, but we feel that the role would be better suited

to a normal, human boy. After all, you'll play Bill Mitcham's son,

and he is not a cartoon.

He might have married someone off The Simpsons! And by the way,

we prefer to be referred to be called "differently animated".

I'm sorry, Little Howard.

I hope one day there will be a little cartoon boy

in Alan Bert Square, but the world just isn't ready yet. Next!

It's not fair! Just because I'm a cartoon,

I'll never be taken seriously as an actor!

Look on the bright side - at least we get a free BBC...

-SMASH!

-..lunch.

Good thing you didn't get the part - you wouldn't want to eat here every.

LOUD TRUMPETING

Grrrr!

I, Little Howard, have come with another of my fun questions!

Am I normal?

You're going to wish you hadn't done that, mate.

He's right! I do wish you wouldn't do that!

Where is he? Right!

# I love monkeys, I love monkeys

# All those happy little chirpy little monkeys

# With their tails and their bananas

# I think if we all were monkeys we'd have happier mananas

# Give me monkeys, lots of monkeys

# For you know that it's the monkeys I adore!

# If my love said that she did not love those monkeys

# I wouldn't love her any more. #

Thank you very much!

Even the monkeys are normal compared to me.

They're all exactly the same.

I'm not that normal, my bottom is completely bald.

Sometimes I dress up as a macaque and parade around singing songs.

And I worship bees!

BUZZING

Normal people don't spend their afternoons helping their friends

get away from soap stars who have jam rolypoly on their heads.

How was you shouting, "He's over there, Mr Mitcham," helping me?

-Ooh!

-Hey!

-Who was that?

-No-one.

And his beautiful mother.

HE SNIFFS

Eurgh! Eurgh!

-You haven't fallen in love again, have you?

-Me? No, no. No, no, no.

-Ooh, I might just pop in here and buy some more hunky clothes.

-Hunky?

Honky, I mean. Less honky clothes.

What's good for the moose is good for the panda! I want new clothes.

-What's wrong with your lovely tank-top?

-I want to be normal,

and wearing the same tank-top for three series is not normal.

How are they looking in there?

These clothes were definitely for MY age group, were they?

Yes, why do you ask?

I want to see the manager.

-You better not be laughing.

-No!

I would like to storm out now,

with as much dignity as possible. Please help me get this off.

Ow! My arm!

Oh...

That proves categorically that I am not normal.

Why's my head so big?!

I had a really big head when I was your age, but I grew into mine.

Trust me, you didn't.

And what about my hands, how many fingers am I holding up?

It's perfectly normal for cartoon boys

-to have three fingers.

-I'm only holding up TWO fingers,

but my hands are so badly drawn you can't tell!

See? Even for a cartoon boy I'm a freak!

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Oh! Someone at the door.

I never stood a chance of being normal, did I?

-Oh, I wouldn't say that.

-Says the talking computer.

-Penelope!

-You called me.

-Eight times?

-Yes.

I thought maybe we could catch a movie, grab a coffee, get married?

I don't think so.

You seem a bit...odd.

Odd? Odd in what way?

Odd, like my first husband. He grew a moustache.

You think growing a moustache is odd?

Men who grow moustaches obviously have something to hide.

Their upper lip?

He grew a moustache, so I divorced him and moved to Surbiton.

Mother, what colour are my eyes?

Erm, well, they're a very piercing, soulful shade of, er, black.

It's the most normal thing in the world to worry about how you look.

It's not just the way I look.

I mean, listen to my voice. It's deeper than Big Howard's!

Erm. Oh, look over there! A wall.

I've never noticed that before.

As for my third husband, he blinked far too much.

Blinking? You don't like blinking?

I don't mind it the normal amount.

Once or twice a day, but he blinked all the time!

So I divorced him and moved to Guildford.

Too right. I hate blinking too.

Now, are we going to stand in the hallway all day?

Or are you going to make me a cup of tea,

with the normal amount of 0.55 sugars - the national average?

Oh...

And another thing, why don't I go to school?

Oh, thank goodness!

Listen, guys, I've got a hot date with a lady who's a little bit...

particular about who she goes out with.

She can't be that particular.

So I've got to appear normal, so would you two mind...

pretending not to exist?

# I gotta feeling, woo-hoo...

# That tonight's gonna be a... #

I really don't need this just now.

# ..That tonight's gonna be a good night

# That tonight's gonna be a good, good night

# I gotta feeling, woo-hoo

# That tonight's gonna be a good night... #

Come in, Penelope.

My last husband had a sofa like that.

He wanted to re-train as a dentist,

so I divorced him and moved to Cheam.

What do you do for a living?

Me? I do a completely normal job.

Because I'm completely normal. Nothing odd about me at all.

I can't listen to any more of this! I'm going!

-What was that?

-Um, that was the house ghost,

who I don't believe in at all, because I'm completely normal.

-Hey! How's me favourite cartoon boy!?

-Thanks, Roger I needed...

And why's he such a great big freak

he can't even get a job on North-EastEnders?

-Oh. I thought you might cheer me up, Roger.

-Oh, sorry, have we not met?

North EastEnders don't want me and Big Howard is ashamed of me.

Well, of course he is! Look at your massive head

-and your weirdy little fingers!

-Shut up!

What did I say?! Oh, he's right touchy, that one.

-It's not as if YOU'RE normal!

-Me? Course I'm normal, lad.

Salt of the earth, me, backbone of England.

You don't even look like a pigeon!

You're just a pointy, white lump with wings.

And pants. Normal pigeons just scratch about and poo on cars.

You talk and use a phone and drive and run a theatrical agency,

-and scratch about and poo on cars.

-Yeah!

And both me eyes are on one side of me head!

I look like a flatfish with wings!

-How can we make ourselves normal?

-I dunno.

Maybe there's some sort of surgical operation.

Is there? Thanks weirdy-beak!

Oh 'eck, I'm not normal either!

And there's Big Howard when he did his first poo in a potty!

-18 years old.

-Howard.

His name's Big Howard, poppet.

Your computer appears to be talking, and showing me baby photos.

I'm not a computer, I'm his mother, aren't I, Big Howard?

-Mother!

-Right! I'm going.

-You are not normal!

-But I am normal!

I've written a song about how normal I am,

and I know some dancing monkeys who could...

-She's right, you are a bit weird.

-Oh, kick a man when he's down!

I can't reach. I mean, look at these pictures!

You were six foot three at the age of five,

so you drew your own best friend as a smaller version of you!

If that's not weird, I don't know what is.

Well, that's the pot who shouldn't be able to speak

calling the kettle who shouldn't be able to speak either, black.

I've seen normal computers, and you are not one of them!

Well, of course I'm not a normal computer!

I'm a normal, middle-aged mother of two.

Well, why have you got a massive square face

-that can access the internet, then?

-Ooh! You brute!

Big Howard is ashamed of me being a cartoon

and Roger would rather I was real, so there's only one thing for it.

DOORBELL RINGS

PHONE RINGS

-Hello?

-I just thought I'd let you know that I've sold the office

and moved into a ventilation block

in the gent's loos on the southbound platform at the station.

I am going back to my roots and can no longer be your agent.

Oh, well, at least that's something. Thanks, bye!

-Oh, erm, why?

-Because I'm a pigeon.

I'm surprised you haven't noticed. Little Howard came to see me,

he wanted to do something about being such an abnormal little freak.

Do what about being...

Oh, hello there. Who are you?

Big Howard, isn't it brilliant? I'm Little Howard!

Uh...

Li... Little Howard, you're...

you're a...real, normal boy!

Mother, Little Howard's a...

Mother?

This is great! Mother's a normal computer,

Roger's a normal pigeon, and you're a normal boy!

Now I can prove I'm the most normal, uninteresting man in all of Purley,

and win the hand, and maybe some other parts, of the woman I love!

Let's get out there and do a montage about how normal we are

to some up-beat, contemporary music!

# ..me and we'll always

# Be together

# You and me always

# And forever

# Ba ba-ba ba-ba

# It was always you... #

SONG GRADUALLY SLOWS DOWN

SWING SQUEAKS

Coo, coo!

Please yourselves. Er, sorry, I mean, "coo".

-# I don't care what you say

-Hey, hey!

# I'll do it my way

-# Don't care what you think

-Hey, hey!

# Cos I'm a real... #

HE SCREAMS AND HUFFS

HE WHIMPERS

Those two were much funnier the last time they came in.

Mother?

Mother, stop pretending to be a normal computer

and give me some advice.

You can do it in as irritating a way as you like!

DIALLING TONE

-Hello, Roger?

-Coo. Coo?

Little Howard's somehow magically turned into a real boy.

To start off with, I thought it was brilliant.

But he's just not as funny as he used to be

and he only wants to play football with other normal kids

and not with me, for ages.

And when he threw a marrow at my head

it really hurt for some reason.

Coo, scratch, squawk.

-Hang on! Normal pigeons can't use phones.

-Ow!

Everyone being normal might have its downsides,

but I know for sure it's got one

lovely, beguiling and staggeringly beautiful upside...

called Penelope.

MUSIC: "The Look Of Love"

So...you've got rid of the sentient computer and the ghost?

-And the talking pigeon.

-The what?

-Um...nothing.

At last, I've met a man

who's prepared to make himself a clean slate for me.

-And what are we going to write on that slate?

-Nothing.

I want you to stay completely blank.

My son, Joshua, needs a normal, sensible father figure,

not like the blinking moustachioed loons he's got at the moment.

Wanting to be an actor... Oh, of all the things!

SHE CHUCKLES

I can't wait for you to meet Little...

..Howard Junior.

Ah, Howard Junior!

I'd like you to meet my new girlfriend, Penelope.

-Mum?!

-Wow! He's accepted you into the family quicker than I thought.

Huh? Argh!

PUNCHING

Ow! Honestly, she's very nice once you get to know her!

Oh. Ow! Oh...

Mum! What are you doing with this big freak?

Ow! Argh!

Joshua! Stop kicking him!

The normal way of beating someone up is to wallop them with your handbag.

Ow! Ow, ow. Argh!

'Ere! Are you kicking my client?

I'm entitled to 15% of that.

What? Ow! Ow. Argh! Ow!

Oi! You leave Big Howard alone!

What in blue blazes are you meant to be?

Little Howard!

I didn't really turn into a normal boy, Big Howard.

I just got one of the kids I met at the audition to pretend to be me,

so I could see what difference being normal would make to my life.

DRAMATIC MUSIC BUILDS

Have you been acting again?

-Did you have to choose the son of my new ex-girlfriend?

-No.

That was just a hilarious bonus coincidence.

I realised that worrying about not being normal

is the most normal thing in the world.

And I wrote a hot philosophical disco number about it.

Kick it!

DISCO MUSIC STARTS

# Am I normal?

# Is anybody else like me at all?

# Am I singing this to sympathy or just to a brick wall?

# It would be nice to think that there was someone I could call

# Am I a freak?

# There's not a lot of pigeons that can speak

# Is what I am a name we dare not speak?

# I need a friend to talk to, beak to beak. #

Stop spontaneously singing this instant!

# Everyone is different

# That's what makes us the same

# If we were identical

# It would be a shame

# Am I alone?

# It would be nice to think I was not on my own

# Or is my deviation something that the world could not condone?

# It would be nice to think there's someone like me I could phone

# Am I odd?

# I'm a woman born in a computer's bod

# Part of my brain is made from an iPod

# Although other MP3 players are as good. #

Joshua! Come with me this instant!

For someone so normal, she's a bit weird, isn't she?

I'm so glad to have you back - to normal!

I realised that being a cartoon is what makes me, me.

That's why I'm so interested in the world -

because I'm so different from it.

# Everyone thinks they're different

# That's what makes us the same

# If we were identical

ALL: # It would be a shame

# Yes, I'm normal

# We are all the same because we're freaks

# Some of us have mouths and some have beaks

# Some of us have speakers Some have cheeks

ALL: # Yes, we're normal

# It's OK to be a little strange

# Nobody should make you have to change

# Have I mentioned that I might have mange? #

What?