Can I Read Big Howard's Mind? Little Howard's Big Question

Happy birthday to me! Quick! Give me all my presents!

HE TOOTS

It's not your birthday.

Don't tell me you've all forgotten my birthday?!

No, we haven't forgotten it. Your birthday is tomorrow, Little Howard.

Oh, no! That's my actual birthday.

I have an official birthday as well, like the Queen.

No, we're fine to talk. Little Howard will be fast asleep,

unless he's trying to convince Mother it's his birthday.

-Big Howard!

-So no-one's to tell Little Howard he's getting a...

What?! I'm getting a what? A dog? A samurai sword?

An all-you-can-eat trolley-dash in a toffee shop? What?!

-Nothing! Erm, it's a wrong number!

-That wasn't a wrong number!

You were talking about me!

No, we were talking about a different Little Howard

-that neither of us know.

-I wasn't born yesterday you know!

-I was born tomorrow! What are you hiding from me?

-Nothing!

I am not hiding anything. Erm, oh, look!

Err, this washing up won't do itself, you know. It turns out.

Ohh! Oh. Second thoughts, I'll just open the window

and leave it for a couple more days.

KLAXON HONKS

-HE SHOUTS:

-I, Little Howard,

have come up with another one of my Big Questions!

How can I read someone's mind?

I do wish... Aah! Oh!

I'd cut back this holly bush!

THUMP

This week I am going to project the monkey song

into the consciousness of the audience,

using only the power of my mind!

Remember, we will not be playing the monkey song.

If you hear it, that means we have made telepathic contact!

KLAXON HONKS

# I love monkeys I love monkeys

# All those happy little chirpy little monkeys

# With their tails and their bananas

# I think that if we all were monkeys we'd have happier mananas

# Give me monkeys Lots of monkeys

# For you know that it's the monkeys I adore

# If my love said that she did not love those monkeys

# I wouldn't love her any more. # Thankyouverymuch!

I don't believe it, it worked!

You actually made telepathic contact! That's amazing!

What a gullible numpty! He doesn't even realise I had the song

playing secretly on my iPod while the...

Hang on, I'm thinking this out loud, aren't I?

-Ow!

-You look like you've been dragged through a hedge backwards.

-It was forwards, actually.

-Come on! What's the secret!?

If there was a secret, which there isn't,

I wouldn't be able to tell you because it would be a secret.

I know how you could make me talk! You could stick pins into me!

-That is a brilliant idea.

-My mistake, you've done that already.

I am going to find a way to extract the truth from you

if it's the last thing I do!

If you could promise it was the last thing you'd do, I might tell you.

He's a little bit prickly today, isn't he?

It's the strain of keeping a secret from me.

He said I was "getting" something.

A horse? A swimming pool full of sausages?

It might not be a present, Little Howard.

Yeah! It could be that I'm "getting" suspicious

cos he's broken some of my stuff.

Or I'm "getting" the house to myself

because he's emigrating to Spain to become a matador! Aah!

I've got to learn how to read his mind!

You don't need to read his mind, you need to read his body!

-It's called "non-verbal communication."

-Brilliant!

Mother, teach me about nun-gerbil excommunication!

Non-verbal communication.

It's what someone's body or tone of voice tells you without words.

For example, when your average person is lying, they tend not

to move their hands around much and they avoid eye contact with you.

They're likely to touch a hand to their face, neck or lips,

but not to their heart or chest.

Wow! This is solid, gold-plated, gold dust! What else?

And then there's his eyes.

If you ask Big Howard what that phone conversation was about

and he moves his eyes to the left, what he says is probably true,

and if he moves them to the right, he's probably lying!

What?! Why?!

Because when most people are trying to remember something they've heard

they usually move their eyes to the left.

When they're trying to make up something,

they usually move their eyes to the right.

-Right! This is all the animation I need...

-Ammunition.

..to read Big Howard's mind. Now, where is he?

Tell me your secret or I will be forced to examine

your non-virile communion!

What!? Little Howard! I'm in the bath!

And that book was water soluble!

And you're putting your hands on your chest!

Which means you're telling the truth! You ARE in the bath!

Or you're covering up your tiny, weird nipples.

What are you doing in here?!

Or you could be folding your arms which implies

you feel defensive and tense!

Of course I feel defensive and tense!

Is this what you call reading my mind?!

That's like punching my face and telling me my nose hurts!

And you just looked up and to the left!

That's means he's remembering thing's he's seen!

Ah-ha! So you're thinking about when I've might have

disturbed you in the bath before!

I was, actually, it was series one, episode two,

you were on a trampoline...

Gah! Get out of my head! And get out of the bathroom!

He was definitely hiding something in there. But what is it, though?!

Why would he keep a secret from me!

The day before my birthday, of all days!

It could be what he's getting you for your birthday?

Oh, Mother, you poor, simple, boring, naive fool.

He's probably got to assassinate someone and

doesn't want me to know, so I'm not a Claire's Accessory to his crimes!

-The word is "accessory."

-Or maybe

he can't talk for reasons of national security!

DOOR SLAMS

I've got him rattled! He's on the run!

MUSIC: "Stop Following Me" by Damien DeBoos

DOG BARKS

Frankly, I'm not impressed, Mr Cox.

For starters you look like an under-fed stick insect

with girl's hair and you tell me you can't sing or dance.

So before I chuck you out, can you tell me, what is the point of you?

-I'm a mentalist.

-At least you're honest.

No, a mentalist is someone who does magic with people's minds.

OK, then, Wizardora, tell me what I'm thinking now.

Ow!

Blimey! You're good! OK. How many fingers am I holding up?

-Three, and one of them's up your nose.

-Wow!

Oh, don't eat it, that's disgusting. Come in!

What're you talking about, there's no-one...

KNOCK ON DOOR Come in!

Sorry I'm late, Roger, Little Howard was following me.

Either that or I'm being haunted by Danny DeVito-LaRue.

Oh, I never thought I'd be pleased to see you! Do it to him!

Stop looking at me and read HIS mind. If you read any deeper in mine

I'll have to start paying you hush money.

OK, sit down but grab five objects from around the office.

Good. Bird feed, of course, obviously.

Remote control. Very nice.

Michael Monkey-tyre poster. Classic choice. Two more, we need.

Anything you want. Something from your pocket, which is a...

-..girl's hairbrush.

-It's nice and soft on my hair.

Take that with you everywhere? Great. Er, one more. Phone. Lovely.

OK. Sit down. This is a game of elimination.

You've got your poster, the phone, the nuts, your girly hairbrush

and remote control.

We need to eliminate some. Number them to start with. One to five.

-One, two, three, four, five.

-OK, what do you want to keep?

Odds or evens?

-Erm, evens?

-OK, so keep the evens, so that's two and four.

So it's the hairbrush and the phone. OK, you can keep them.

Out of those two, you're going to give me just one. Any one you want.

Your hairbrush? You sure? Put it down.

Completely free choice. You gave me your pink hairbrush.

I had one thing written on my piece of paper.

Want to read what it was?

Pink hairbrush. Wow!

If a cartoon boy approaches you dressed as a lady,

and asks you how you do that, please don't tell him.

-How did you do that?

-Well, it's easy. This was your pink hairbrush.

Course you'd give it to me. I had to hope you would.

When you were selecting items, I wrote it down.

I put it there. It was all I wrote.

If you hadn't given me the hairbrush.

It'd still have been written down and I'd have looked like an idiot!

-I've definitely got a gig for you. How do I get in contact?

-Easy.

-Look, here's my number. Come in!

-No-one's knocked at the door.

-KNOCK ON DOOR

-Roger? Can I come in?

It's Little Howard! He's going to try to read my mind!

And they say I'm a mentalist!

-Do you like monkeys?

-Me? Why...yes!

-Thought so.

-How could he possibly know that?!

-Whaddaya want, kid?

I'm getting de-loused in half an hour.

I need to find out what Big Howard is thinking!

I think you'll find that 80% of the time

Big Howard isn't thinking anything at all.

But he's hiding something from me!

-I need to find out by hook or by crook.

-Crook? Now you're talking.

-I think I might be able to help.

-You're looking to your left!

Is that because you're remembering what someone said?

No, it's because he's in the cupboard.

Roger! Did I hear duct tape? What are you doing?

Right, I've got to get back to the office

and make these lice into lice-crispies.

All you have to do is get him out of the cupboard

-and put him in the downhill bouncy castle.

-The what?

Ah, Mr Big Howard, I've been expecting you.

What am I doing in here?

We have ways of making you talk, Mr Big Howard, many ways.

-Now?

-Oh! Oooh!

What's going on? I didn't agree to...

Ooh, aaaargh!

-That was great fun!

-Oh, it is...the first time!

-Henchmen, take him back to the top!

-No, well I say it was fun...

Oh, oh, ooooh!

Want to get ooout!

Please, I want to get out!

BIG HOWARD SOBS

Surely you don't expect me to talk, Little Howard?!

No, Mr Big Howard!

I expect you to roll down the hill

in the downhill bouncy castle again and again for ages!

And then talk!

Wooaah!

Ow! I can taste what I had for breakfast now! Aaaah!

Oh, my goodness!

Is Big Howard's secret that he's on a "mental list?".

Wooo! Stop! There's been a terrible mistake!

-OK, OK! I'll tell you anything!

-Ha-haa!

Roger told me this would work!

-Roger told you to do this to me?!

-Erm.

-Right!

-I'll tell you this. Roger knows the secret too!

-You what?!

Henchmen! Take him back to the top.

BIG HOWARD SOBS

Not again. Oh, no. Aaaah!

Oh, no, he doesn't suspect a thing.

I threw him off the scent by telling him how to torture Big Howard

in a way not yet recognised by the Geneva Convention.

If everything goes to plan I am going to make a mint...

Oh, 'eck!

-Do you know what a polygraph is, Roger?

-Of course I do.

It's a newspaper for parrots.

-My ex-wife used to line the cage with it.

-No. It's a lie detector.

Fine! I have nothing to fear from a lie detector.

-DETECTOR HONKS

-Are you sure?

A polygraph is a device that measures the signs of stress.

Your heart-rate, breathing, blood pressure and sweat.

And usually people feel stressed when they're lying!

Lying! Me!?

I've never told a lie in my life! DETECTOR HONKS

Well, I've not told a lie today. DETECTOR HONKS

I've not lied in this sentence? DETECTOR HONKS

I think he's ready for you now, Little Howard.

Oh, feathers! I don't deserve this! DETECTOR HONKS

Right! Have you ever stolen any money off me or Big Howard?

Of course not! DETECTOR HONKS

Well, not much. DETECTOR HONKS

Yes, all right, I've ripped you off for thousands of pounds.

-DETECTOR BINGS

-This thing's brilliant!

It can actually read his mind!

Well, no, it just reads some of the signs the mind gives off

when it's stressed.

They say some spies have trained themselves to fool it!

Does training yourself to fool it take long?

-Longer than you've got, wonky-beak.

-Right. Here we go!

What is the secret that Big Howard is keeping from me?!

Erm... I...don't know? DETECTOR HONKS

Well, he hasn't told me all of it. DETECTOR HONKS

I've forgotten the exact det... DETECTOR HONKS

Oh, flap it! Mother knows about it too!

DETECTOR BINGS

Erm... honk! There, it honked. He's lying.

You're all lying.

-Stool pigeon!

-I don't know about that, but I might have just done

a pigeon stool. DETECTOR BINGS

No, I won't forgive you! You all lied

and you're all keeping secrets from me!

I don't know about the others,

but I only did it out of love. DETECTOR HONKS

I wasn't 100% motivated by greed. DETECTOR HONKS

Will someone please detach this flippin' thing from me?!

Tell Big Howard, I'm staying at Little Susan's house tonight,

and I don't want to talk to him.

I will definitely pass that on. DETECTOR HONKS

Life as I know it is over. DETECTOR BINGS

Bye, Little Howard. Please don't be too cross with Big Howard.

It might be for the best.

When is telling lies and keeping secrets from your friends

ever "for the best"? See you later.

# How can I read your mind? How can I tell if you're lying?

# How can I tell what you're buying me for my birthday tomorrow?

# Tell me how do I find All of the things you're concealing?

# Is there a way of revealing

# All the things you don't want me to know?

# How can I read your mind? How can I tell what you're thinking?

# If I stare at your head without blinking

# Could I read you like a scroll?

# If I come at you from behind

# And cover your head with wiring

# Can I see all the things you're desiring?

# Can I see your very soul?

# How can I see inside your head?

# Tell me how do I find ways

# To hear all the words you have not said?

# I'm going to read your mind waves. #

'Chris Cox. Mentalist and Mind Reader.' Brilliant!

I'll get him to read Big Howard's mind for me!

# He's going to close his eyes

# And face in the right direction

# Look at your brain's reflection And see through you like a window

# He's going to see your lies

# And all of the things you are planning

# He has a way of scanning all the things you don't want me to know

# He's going to see inside your head with magical and insane ways

# He's going to read what can't be read

# He's going to touch your brainwaves!

# That's how can I read your mind

# I'm going to tell if you're lying

# I'm going to know what you're buying me for my birthday tomorrow

# I'm going to finally find All of the things you're concealing

# This is the way of revealing

# All the things you don't want me to know. #

-HE DIALS THE PHONE

-It's ringing...

ANOTHER PHONE RINGS

And something else is ringing too.

-ALL: Surprise!

-Aaarrgh!

ALL: Happy birthday, Little Howard!

What the... I...

MUSIC: "Happy Birthday" by Stevie Wonder

Wow! What a massive surprise!

I was so cross you were all keeping a secret from me

I'd completely forgotten it was my eighth, sixth birthday today!

Good. Cos your still thinking it was tomorrow helped the song rhyme.

-So all this time you were planning a surprise party!

-Yeah!

-So we had to keep it a secret or it wouldn't have been a surprise!

-Yes!

But if you didn't want me to know, why did you tell me Roger knew?

Well, firstly cos there's a £100 fine for throwing up

in a downhill bouncy castle.

And secondly I knew Roger would never give it away.

Cos I'm such a nice Pigeon. DETECTOR HONKS

No, it's because we invited all your clients

and I knew that they'd sack you if you ruined it.

Even Luke Harris and his Unnecessarily Vast Guitar?

Oh, yeah, Luke's here. Unfortunately his guitar didn't fit on the bus.

Got another surprise for you, though.

Chris Cox, the mind reader who can't read minds, is here!

Happy birthday!

Big Howard, quick bit of mind reading.

-Do you know what I've got written down here?

-No.

-Wow!

-How'd you do it?

-Wow!

Well done, lad. That was even better than Derren Brown.

-Thanks.

-But if you don't do more later, you're not getting a penny.

But listen. I've got another show to go to, so can you pay me now?

I have, the cheque's in the post. DETECTOR HONKS

Oh dear. That's to say,

I would pay you in cash,

but my wallet's in me other pants. DETECTOR HONKS

OK! The reason I agreed to this whole surprise party thing

was everyone chipped in some money to pay Chris to do a show

and I was going to nick it all and

buy a Jacuzzi bird bath for me nest. DETECTOR BINGS

-So sorry.

-If someone doesn't detach this machine right now,

I am going to fly into a window. DETECTOR BINGS

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd