Why Can't I Be in Charge? Little Howard's Big Question

Ah, there's nothing like a good old bike ride.

Wind in your hair, oil up your trouser leg,

wasps flying into your mouth.

-Where are we going?

-Anywhere you like.

-Mars!

-Your trike would burn up on entering Mars's atmosphere.

I never get to choose where we go.

So far, you've suggested Mars, the age of the dinosaurs and Narnia.

Why don't we cycle to that bin and back?

-Why do I have to do what you say?

-Sorry. It's cos I say so.

-Right!

-Heaven knows what the world would be like with you in charge.

KLAXON HONKS

I, Little Howard, have come up with another of my BIG questions.

Why can't I be in charge?

Ooh!

Ya-a-a-a-a-a!

-CRASH

-Ooh!

Ow!

I do wish you wouldn't do that. Ow.

KLAXON HONKS

# I love monkeys I love monkey

# All those happy little chirpy little monkeys

# With their tails and their bananas

# I think that if we all were monkeys we'd have happier mananas

# Give me monkeys, lots of monkeys

# For you know that it's the monkeys I adore

# If my love decides she did not love the monkeys

# I wouldn't love her any more. # Thank you very much!

-Well, the monkeys know who's boss.

-You're the boss, Little Howard.

When are you going to pay us?

-MONKEYS CRY OUT

-Oh. Help me, Howard.

Owww!

Clumsy! At least you were wearing a helmet.

The helmet doesn't protect me from soiled nappies!

Get me out of here!

-Thanks(!)

-Now, that wouldn't have happened if I was in charge.

It happened because you set off your klaxon.

But if you'd let me be in charge ages ago,

I wouldn't have had to set off my klaxon.

Being in charge is very hard work. You're too young and irresponsible.

-Frankly, you're too immature.

-I'm not.

-Are, too.

-Not, not, not.

-Are-are-are...

-Not-not-not...

-Not-not-not-not-not...

-Are-are-are-are...

-Are times 50.

-Not times 50 plus one!

-Are times 50 plus another one.

You can't be in charge of anything until you're an adult.

-Roger our manager's an adult.

-An adult pigeon.

He can be in charge of, say, all of Purley?

-Well, yes... In theory.

-Then we should vote for him to be our MP.

-Yes, we sh... What?

-'Don't be party poopers!

'Put pigeon power in Parliament. Vote for Roger T Pigeon.

'I promise to tell you what you want to hear, until elected...'

-This cannot happen.

-Why not?

He can't be in charge of the country. He's a rotten stinker.

This has to be stopped.

What about my big question? Come back!

Being a six-year-old cartoon boy is rubbish. Why can't I be in charge?

-Morning, Mother.

-Lovely day for a cycle ride, dear.

Isn't it just? Wait a minute.

Mother?

Is it normal for computers to ride bikes?

Of course not. It's impossible. You're forgetting,

I'm not a computer. I'm your mother.

-Big Howard says you're a computer.

-Who died and put him in charge?

-Telling respectable women they're computers. It's not right.

-Yeah!

He says I can't be in charge cos I'm too young.

Poppycock! You're not too young, Little Howard.

The Egyptian King Tutankhamen was only nine

when he was Pharaoh of the Egyptian empire over 3,000 years ago.

That's fair enough. Nine-year-olds can stay up later.

Mary Queen of Scots was six DAYS old

when she became Queen of Scotland in 1542.

They do say girls mature quicker than boys.

They needed grown-up advisors, a loyal army

and people to change Mary's nappies

So, we need an army who can change nappies.

-Could you pin some pigeon spikes to Big Ben...?

-Hello, Big Howard.

Allow me to introduce your new babysitter, Crowbar Eddie.

I'm a bit busy, Little Howard. I've got to stop Roger getting elected...

and sort out my...tax return.

-What did you say?

-'Ello, Big Howard.

I'm going to look after you.

I have worked it out.

Grown-ups are in charge because they're bigger than kids.

I needed someone bigger than you! Now, we can swap places.

That is not the reason. We're not going to swap places.

-And I don't need a babysitter.

-I am...fully accredited.

I can't leave you alone. You might hurt yourself.

-I'm likely to get hurt with him!

-Shut it, squirt!

-Should I chuck him on the naughty step, Little Howard?

-Help!

-Who's in charge?

-Little Howard's in charge, Mr Crowbar.

-We're going to spend the day at the playground.

-Ah.

There's been a misunderstanding. I've a lot to do...

Play nice now, Big Howard.

-They do grow up quick, don't they?

-Argh!

Now I'M in charge, what have I got to do?

# Not to put too fine a point on it

# Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet

# Make a little birdhouse in your soul... #

Bleugh!

Eugh!

Aargh!

Wa-hay!

In your face, root vegetables!

Aargh!

What's that thing they say about five a day? Oh, yes.

Five doughnuts a day.

That's not going to be enough. Being a child is hungry work.

# Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch

# Who watches over you

# Make a little birdhouse in your soul

# Not to put too fine a point on it Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet

# Make a little birdhouse in your soul... #

"See to blocked drains."

That should block them up!

This is a doddle!

Hello? Big Howard's accountant?

A lot of money is being frittered away

on things called "tax" and "mortgages",

which I assume must be fruit.

Can we stop paying for those? Thank you.

-Where's Big Howard?

-He's in bed.

-Doughnut kebab?

-Lovely.

He was getting tired and irritable, wouldn't stop crying.

-Till I shouted, "Stop crying!"

-Ah. Well done.

DOOR BELL

It's all right, Crowbar.

It's not the police or the babysitting inspector. It's Roger.

Suppose I'll go and sit on the big little'un's bed,

staring at him, make sure he doesn't choke.

-You think he might choke?

-He might now that I've gagged him.

Can I trust Big Howard to vote for me

or do I have to blackmail him as well?

That's awkward.

I'm running a campaign to stop you getting elected.

Big Howard started it. Now I'm in charge, I'm running it.

-Why?

-Big Howard said something about you being nasty,

greedy, mean, evil, selfish and hateful.

-And a thief and a liar and...

-Yes, all right.

-So, you're in charge now, you say?

-Oh, yes!

I've finished everything on Big Howard's list of things to do.

-Doesn't sound like you're in charge.

-What?

-You're doing everything Big Howard would have done.

-I AM in charge.

What if you did exactly the opposite of what Big Howard wanted?

That would show the big flappy-handed twonk

-that you can fend for yourself.

-Yeah!

I'll prove that no-one can tell me what to do by doing what you say!

I'll help you get elected.

Right. You do all the donkey work while I peck babies.

You can start by rubbing all those "don't"s off!

-I was thinking I could vote for you.

-You can't vote. You're a kid.

-Children can't vote? Why not?

-Cos you're all stupid.

-You what?

-I mean... Um... The system.

The system thinks kids are stupid.

-Stupid system!

-Then I can't help you get elected.

Because I need to get the law changed.

Well, you can do both, because, um...

in a policy I have just made up,

I promise to give kids a vote.

-If you help me become a Member of Parliament.

-You're on.

Cock-a-doodle-do!

Aaa.... Agh!

Did Big Howard want a glassy-wass of milky-wilk?

-Um... Oh. It wasn't a dream.

-Do what, son?

Um... I mean I had a terrible dream

that I didn't have a six-foot Cockney babysitter

tucking me in so tight I can't move.

Shut your face!

Need any help putting your pants on?

Big wussy. Little Howard says he's gone to march on Parliament

-to get the law changed so he can vote for that pigeon bloke.

-What?

So I thought you and me could go to the park

and go round and round

the boating lake on a pedalo.

-A lake?

-For ages.

On a pedalo?

For ages.

You're sitting on my hand.

What do we want?

-Money! I mean, votes for children.

-When do we want them?

Pronto! Or the cashier gets it.

-What are you protesting about?

-Universal child suffrage.

-No, we're not. That sounds horrible.

-No. It means votes for children.

-Oh, yes. Who are you?

-My name's Tatton.

I work for Parliament Education Service. Would you like to come in?

-Have you got any biscuits?

-I'll see what I can do.

Right, back to campaigning. Um... Vote for me!

I will make YOU less ugly, clear the deficit

and ban people throwing shoes at you just because you poo on their head.

So...you're telling me

that people can't vote or stand as MP

-until they're 18?

-Yup. I'm afraid so.

-Why?

Voting's a huge responsibility.

You need a bit more experience to help you make the decision.

I'll have to make do with being in charge at home.

What do you mean "in charge at home"?

Big Howard hangs around the park and leaves me to look after the tax

-and the shopping.

-I'm going to make a phone call.

OK!

Purley police station - no crimes too small, some crimes too big.

Child neglect? Constable! Get the helicopter!

-Look at them ducks.

-Yeah. Lovely. Seen the ducks.

I love ducks, me.

-Look at the ducks.

-We've seen most of the...

-Look at the ducks!

Come in, number 46.

-You are under arrest.

-The rozzers!

-You'll never take me alive!

-I'm being rescued! Here I am!

Big Howard Oliver Drinkwater Read...

-we have you surrounded.

-You want HIM?

We have a speed boat and two helicopters, all out of shot.

-So peddle to the shore with your hands up.

-He's over here!

What have you been doing, you naughty boy?

POLICE SIREN

PHONE RINGS

-Little Howard!

-You?

Clear the line. I'm expecting a call from a plumber.

-I don't know why you wanted me to block the drains.

-Unblock the...

-What have you been doing? I've been arrested.

-Arrested? What did you do?

Let's see. Child exploitation and neglect,

tax evasion and going over the agreed period in a pedalo!

That is it! You are grounded, young man.

Oh! That's SO unfair! I didn't do any of it!

Since you are in charge now, get me a barrister. I'm in court tomorrow!

I don't see how one of those will help you get out of jail.

Just get me a barrister!

Oh. He's hung up.

Haha! With Big Howard banged up in slam, Chalky,

nothing can stop me getting elected to Parliament.

Apart from the fact that all the voters hate me.

I wonder what we can do about that.

I can't believe that Big Howard's in prison.

Hahahaha! Sorry.

-I blame myself, of course.

-Good. Cos it was your fault.

-What?

-You stitched him up like a bloke I know called Kipper.

-How?

-You stopped him looking after you and paying tax.

-That's what got him banged-up.

-Is it? Oh, dear.

And I don't think you ARE in charge.

-What?

-You're doing everything that Roger tells you to do.

-Oh, my...!

You're right!

I got Big Howard into this mess, I shall get him out.

After all, I AM in charge.

But how?

Big Howard wanted me to get him something to help him.

-MOTHER: A barrister?

-No.

-Are you sure?

-They represent people in court.

-No.

I know what it was.

All rise for the Right Honourable Judge Yumyum.

Look a bit like that bloke off... All rise!

Big Howard, you're accused of five, at least, very serious crimes,

and one fairly trivial one.

Let's whip through cos I've got netball at three.

-Where's your barrister?

-Don't get your wig in a twist.

Here is Big Howard's banister.

I have slid down it several times.

Ay carumpole!

-And who are you?

-Don't pretend you don't watch CBBC, m'lud.

Are you representing the defence?

Yes. I've seen this on EastEnders.

A-herm. Your Honour, it is not Big Howard who is on trial today.

I...I have tried that but, apparently, it is.

Well, yes, it is. I mean, the whole system of... Um...

Oh, monkeys! OK, look, it was all my fault.

I wanted to be in charge, I wanted to vote and see how many doughnuts I could fit in my mouth.

In doing that I may, possibly, have made a few mistakes that MIGHT

have got Big Howard in trouble. Including this one.

You can't lock up Big Howard, Your Horologist. He looks after me.

In a funny sort of way, I kind of need him.

Um...thanks.

There's clearly been a misunderstanding. Have you learnt your lesson?

Yes, I have, Uran... Uranus.

-It's best to leave the boring stuff to Big Howard.

-No!

You should do what you're told sometimes!

-All the time.

-By God! He's got it! Lesson learnt, case dismissed.

Thank you, sir. You won't regret this.

I'll be a model citizen.

There's no need to make a song and dance about it.

I beg your pardon?

I said, don't make a song and dance about it.

I expressly forbid you to make a song and dance about it.

Right.

MUSIC STARTS

# You're not the boss of me You couldn't possibly be

# Just cos you're larger You think you're in charge... #

I forbad you to make a song and dance out of it.

# Yes, you're the boss of him Please don't be cross with him, sir

# He'll say you're the daddy Or granddaddy, if you prefer

# You're not the king of this castle You don't have the rule of the roost

# If you think that I'll do what you ask you'll

# Find that you're quickly refused

# Cos you're not the boss of me You couldn't possibly be

# Just cos you're bigger And you wear that wig, you will see

# If you say "jump" I will say no You're not the silverback here

# You're not the Alfa Romeo You are not my puppeteer... #

Right. Contempt of court.

# Please just ignore him He's simply exploring a theme

# Contempt in your courtroom Is something that he would not dream

# If you say "jump" he'll say "how high?"

# If you say "move" he will dance

# If you say "Don't sing or dance" He will have to know in advance

# No, you're not the boss of me You couldn't possibly be

# Just cos you're larger, you think you're in charge, ah, you'll see

# You're not the great enchilada You're not so big

-# You're a bloke in a wig. #

-Right.

Please add malicious singing to the rap sheet. Are we finished?

Yes, thanks. Oh, Your Holiness, while you're here.

Could I have a word with you?

I have some information that may interest you.

'And so, Roger T Pigeon of the Pigeon Party

'has somehow won the Purley East by-election.'

Brilliant! I won! Ha-ha!

I am in charge, you bunch of flightless suckers!

Unfortunately, Mr T Pigeon is disqualified

for illegally trying to claim back the cost of a duck house.

I was going to evict the ducks and move in myself!

And one of your more outspoken opponents

was forcibly pedalled into a lake by a known criminal

and babysitter, who was employed by your campaign manager

who, I might add, is six years old.

I'm trying to tackle youth unemployment in the under-10s.

Also, the fact that you got 78,000 votes.

I am popular - so sue me! I will.

There are only 21,000 people in the constituency.

Ah. Right, let's play netball!

Wow! What a day!

-Good night, Little Howard.

-Night night, Big Howard.

-Good night, Crowbar Eddie!

-What?

-Good night, boys.

-Aarrgghh!