Am I Art? Little Howard's Big Question

Is that art?

Yes, that's a watercolour by Manet.

But that's not the colour of water, water's see-through.

His parents didn't have much imagination.

What are the rest of his family called?

Man A, Man B, Sister C, Dog F?

Edouard Manet was a pivotal artist in the transition

from Realism to Impressionism.

Give me Spongebob any day.

Cartoons are not art!

-You what?!

-Shush! Neither of us want

to be night watchmen at an art gallery, but we need these...jobs.

Goodnight, George.

Is this art?

Of course it is!

This is la piece de... resister!

It's the brand-new exhibition of the controversial and mysterious

modern artist, Pithy Nomdeploom!

-Who's he?

-Shush.

-Good question!

-I mean, good question.

-Nobody knows. The true identity

of Pithy Nomdeploom remains a closely guarded secret,

-but it will finally be revealed in this gallery tomorrow morning.

-Wow!

Someone I've never heard of and don't care about

with a false name I've never heard of and don't care about,

telling everyone a real name I've never heard of and don't care about!

I can hardly wait(!)

Now, because of this announcement tomorrow morning,

security tonight is extra important.

You two will be guarding the whole gallery overnight.

But we also have this staggeringly hi-tech CCTV system,

so if you so much as pick your nose and wipe it

on an abstract, I'll know about it.

-Is this art?!

-It's all art!

You know, I'm surprised Little Howard wants a night watchman's job,

what with being a big TV star.

Well, I'm a big TV star, too.

-No, you're not.

-Is that art?

Yes!

Oh, no, that's the bin, actually.

Anyway, Little Howard is even famous enough

to have been honoured by the great Pithy Nomdeploom himself!

-Am I?!

-Is he?!

Oh, yes, we expect Little Howard's Face Recurring to sell for

half a million pounds.

Now, I'm off to see a Manet about a Degas.

Don't worry, sir. They're in safe hands!

I mean, we've only got to look after them overnight.

There's no way on earth they could get damaged in that time.

AIRHORN BLOWS

I, Little Howard,

have come up with another of my big questions! Am I art?

Oi! That was my face!

Yes...and it was worth half a million pounds!

Aaaah! Aaaah!

# I love monkeys, I love monkeys

# All those happy little, chirpy little monkeys

# With their tails and their bananas

# I think that if we all were monkeys, we'd have happier mananas

# Give me monkeys, lots of monkeys

# For you know that it's the monkeys I adore

# If my love said that she did not love those monkeys

# I wouldn't love her any more. #

Thank you very much!

Little Howard, why the monkey statues?

I thought statues would be cheaper than paying

real monkeys to dance every week.

Ah, good thinking!

Except it turns out it isn't. They were really expensive, Big Howard.

I had to sell all the support struts from underneath the stage.

You what?

Aaaah!

Now, don't get me wrong, what you've done here is very interesting,

but I'm not quite getting it.

I didn't do this on purpose!

These are worth half a million pounds each!

So two of them, that's... that's, er...

A million pounds?

How much?! We've got to fix them!

Don't just sit there! Do something!

It's OK, I'm sure you'll do a grand job.

Second thoughts, I'll start trying to paint another one.

It was just a picture of my face a load of times, how hard can it be?

Aaaah!

I think you might be able to tell they were fakes, but only

if you were an expert.

We're doomed!

How are we going to pay for this?

You've got a million pounds, haven't you?

Of course not, I'm skint! Why do you think I had to get this...

Job?

Never say that word! If anyone sees this, we're in big trouble.

What have you done?!

Whatever it is, it's a vast improvement.

I thought they were awful!

See? This prominent art critic thinks they're rubbish, too.

I'm not an art critic, love, I'm Beryl, the cleaning lady.

-Oh.

-But I know what I like,

and I think Pithy Nomdeploom's a load of rubbish.

You've got to admit he's got a very good taste in subject matter.

Maybe, but that one of your face is a ripped-off Warhol.

There is no need for that!

No, Andy Warhol.

He was an important figure in the Pop Art movement.

He suggested that ordinary things

like photos of celebrities and cans of soup

can be subjects for art. And that splattery one,

that wasn't his idea, that's Jackson Pollock's!

I thought it looked a bit fishy.

No, Jackson Pollock was an abstract artist who dripped and

flung paint at the canvas.

But he did it with passion and energy.

That looks like a decorator's radio.

But if these are as rubbish as they look, why are they so expensive?

Well, it's trendy, and some people have more money than sense.

Modern art can be great, though. I could show you

something you might like, I've finished the lavs.

Thanks, but I better stay here

and help Big Howard fix the sculpture he broke.

Actually, second thoughts, I'll come with you.

No, actually, could you...

Help!

What's going on there?

Oh, this is Bowl Of Fruit, Violin And Bottle by Picasso.

I assume his dog ripped it up and Picasso

just wasn't very good at jigsaws.

No, it's a Cubist collage.

It's about seeing things from different perspectives at once

and painting them as geometric shapes and cubes.

Picasso was trying to express the idea of the things

rather than the things themselves.

No-one need ever know.

Oh, no! It's all on CCTV!

No!

Was Picasso's first name Al?

-Al Picasso? No, it was Pablo, why?

-He's gone and signed it Al, look.

Oh, that's a bit of a newspaper

next to a bit of a bottle just above a bit of the violin,

-and there's the grapes up there.

-I hope he didn't get

fruit mixed up with violins in real life,

especially when he was making smoothies.

I've got to find the CCTV room...

So...why are you taking me to a car park?

To see the art.

Oh, I like that graffiti, but where is the art?

But this is art, dearie. It's by the street artist Banksy.

He became famous by painting funny and clever stencils on walls

all over the world.

His stuff sells for hundreds of thousands of pounds.

So graffiti can be art, but am I art?

I think so. I mean, if someone thinks you're nice to look at,

or if you make them think or laugh,

then yes, Little Howard, you are art.

Right!

I need to get the DVD out

so no-one knows who broke the paintings and sculpture!

Eject...

Oh! Wait up, Little Howard!

I'll get the DVD later, the controls are too complicated.

-Where's Beryl?

-She's gone to contemplate Abstract Expressionism

and de-scale the urinals.

All right for some. We've got fix to these works of art!

No, we don't, Beryl's given me an even better idea.

How is de-scaling the urinals going to help?

Apparently, it's very relaxing, but it's not that.

We've got to get back to the Pithy Nomdeploom room! But...where is it?

It is definitely...that way.

I'm sure it was down here.

Oh, my goodness!

Think of the children!

All these corridors look the same to me.

Someone had drawn a load of naked ladies all over those pictures!

-What?!

-But don't worry, I fixed it,

using pointillist and pointiless techniques

-in the medium of felt tips.

-Oh, thank goodness!

The last thing we need is any more damage done to these paintings.

Oh! I recognise this bit, that's a Picasserole.

The Pithy Nomdeploom room is down here.

Someone wasn't very good at jigsaws.

Oh, my mistake. This must be a different Pithy Nomdeploom room.

Someone's nicked all the really expensive paintings from this one.

Someone's nicked all the really expensive paintings!

Where is it?!

Where's all the art gone?!

Now, think, Big Howard, where was it when you had it last?

It was on the wall!

I haven't lost it, it's been stolen!

Are you sure?

You are a bit clumsy.

We were supposed to be guarding it!

We'll have to pay for every single one.

They were half a million pounds each, and there were ten of them,

so that's half a million times ten...

It's quite a lot.

£4.51!

So you'll be round in a bit, then? Thank you!

£4.20.

It adds up to £5 million, Big Howard.

But don't worry, I've got a plan!

If Fishy Lobsterprune, if that is his real name,

can get half a million pounds for a picture with my face on it,

then my face is art!

So if we make loads of different pictures of my face in different

arty styles, we'll easily pay for the damage and still be rich!

So your plan is to get a load of professional artists...

Well, I was thinking of some kids

and a couple of people we know from down the park.

So your plan is to get some kids

and a couple of people we know from down the park

to draw loads of pictures of your face

and sell them for millions of pounds, before tomorrow morning.

Got any better ideas?

Put some clothes back on!

I mean, what's that even supposed to be?! It looks like Richard Hammond!

OK! Has everyone finished?

Right, great stuff, everyone.

Give them all here and I'll put them

on the well known online auction site Eebygumtree and I'll make millions!

No-one said anything about selling the pictures.

Well, as they are all of my face, they must belong to me,

-so I can do what like with them, right?

-No.

They might be of you, but I made it,

it's mine and I don't want to sell.

My mummy wants this on her fridge at home.

He's trying to rip us off!

No, guys, guys, come on, pop that back.

There's no need for that. You'll do your back in.

Come on, please, just pop...

Hey! Come back with my faces!

It's 9pm! The big opening's at nine o'clock tomorrow morning,

so that's in, erm...

11...er...12!

12, 12, in 12 hours' time!

It's 10pm now! It's in 11 hours' time!

We haven't a moment to lose, we have to act fast and...

Hang on, 10pm?

Oh, dear, it's way past his bedtime, he must have been ever so ti...

Ladies and gentlemen of the press, and special guests

from the world of art, thank you for staying out of shot...

Aaaah! It's 9am! They're outside!

Quick!

And so it is with my great pleasure that I open the brand-new exhibition

of Pithy Nomdeploom!

No! The art's all gone!

Security, seal the room!

Where are those night watchmen?

Ah... Ah...

Atchooo!

You two! I knew I shouldn't have given the job

to a cartoon character and an idiot!

-I can explain!

-Can you?

-Erm...

Actually, no, I can't.

It was my fault.

I just wanted to know...

# Am I art? Am I culture?

# Could you hang me in a gallery?

# I am built like a sculpture

# Not a painting, ironically

# Was that art we destroyed?

# I'm having trouble telling why you're annoyed

# It was pants, now it's gone

# Can't we call it misadventure and just try to carry on? #

Please?

No! You two are up the Haywain without a carthouse!

I think what they've done is good.

George, you're a security guard, stick to tutting at schoolchildren

eating yoghurt by the Picassos.

They call me George in my day job, but my secret identity is...

ALL: Pithy Nomdeploom?!

Flippy Poppadom?

That's my pen-name. Don't wear it out.

But you're the day security guard, you interviewed us for this job!

Yes, and I removed everything in this room when you weren't looking.

I, Pithy Nomdeploom, have engineered the situation

to create this

unique work of art!

-What work of art?

-I wanted my exhibition to be about

how much people value art.

All this chaos was created when you thought you'd damaged and then lost

-my original exhibition.

-What?

Because you valued the art so highly,

you were worried and scared that you'd ruined everything.

That worry, that fear, turned into this!

You were actually helping me create a whole new work of art.

I don't believe it, we created art! Ha-ha!

# Is this art we've created?

# It is pretty as a picture of me

# But is it worth being feted

# And put where lots of wealthy wallies can see? #

Yes, it is! It's genius!

# We're a success, we are feted

# We are la-di-da-da artists, you see

# For the mess that we painted

# Is now hanging in a gallery

# We are rich, we are famous

# We are celebrated artists, yippee!

# We're a stitch in the canvas

# Of an even greater gallery... #

I think you mean I'M rich. It was all my idea,

so the art actually belongs to me.

What?

He's a great big numpty

who wasn't much cop as a security guard, let alone an artist,

but I'm afraid he's right, lads.

It's his art.

You just made a dreadful mess, it was I who gave it meaning!

You weren't artists, you were just my paintbrushes.

# Yes, it's art, yes, it's painted

# Yes, it's hanging in a gallery

# But as Pithy has narrated

# Not a penny of the profit's for me

# Can you spare a quid for a cup of tea? #

I'll get you a brew, boys.

Not till I've had a few choice words with Mr Biffy Nondisclosure.

Leave him, Little Howard.

He might be worth millions, but he's not worth it.

And I happen to know he tinkles on the seat.

Right, you...

You could argue with me, or you could go away now,

and I won't tell Mr Art Gallery that it was you

who scrawled a load of pants on the botties of the Botticellis.

-The what?

-The nudes, dear boy, the nudes.

-Oh, dear.

You did what?!

Shut up and leave.

I wish you'd drawn pants on some of the nudey sculptures, too.

Dusting those bits don't 'alf make me blush!

Nooo! Aaaah!

My beautiful nudes!

-No!

-Peg it!

My beautiful nudes...