Where is Big Howard? Little Howard's Big Question


Where is Big Howard?

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So tired...

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been reading book...for days.

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On last page! Must..

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Must stay awake!

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"Plimrath the Valiant pulled off the mask

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"to reveal the true identity of the killer.

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"It was none other than..."

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Zzzz.

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COCKEREL CROWS

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Steeth Gak-Slorn, Nomad of Pan-Tang?! Wow!

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That book was so good I haven't been to the toilet for three days!

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I wonder if I could sue the author?

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Big Howard! Hurry up! I've got a toilet date, that just won't wait.

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You've got a what, where?!

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Wait a minute... If Big Howard's not in the loo, who is?

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GRUNTING NOISES

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Or WHAT is!? Arrrgh!!

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Big Howard, there's a bear in the toilet!

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There can't be, I know for a fact they do that in the woods.

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Who the gibbing flump are you?!

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Arrrrrgh! Where's Big Howaard?!

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What do you mean? I AM Big Howard!

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HORN BLARES I, Little Howard,

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have come up with another one of my Biiiiiiig Questions!

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Where Is Big Howard!?

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Ow!

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Oh, maybe you are Big Howard!

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HORN BLARES

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# I love Monkeys, I love monkeys

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# All those happy little chirpy little monkeys.

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# With their tails and their bananas

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# I think that if we all were monkeys we'd have happier mananas

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# Give me monkeys, lots of monkeys

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# For you know that it's the monkeys I adore

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# If my love said that she did not love those monkeys

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# I wouldn't love her any more! # Thank you very much!

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Erm, Little Howard?

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Impostor! Monkeys! Attaaaaaack!

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Aaaargh!

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He can't be Big Howard.

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Whenever he has one of his clumsy accidents he always says...

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I do wish you wouldn't do that!

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Aargh! Who are you and what have you done with Big Howard?!

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I'm Big Howard!

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If you're Big Howard, I'm Janet Ellis!

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-Who's Janet Ellis?

-Exactly!

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I don't know who she is either...

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so I can't be Janet Ellis, which means you're not Big Howard!

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There's no time for this.

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There's a bear in the loo and a big pork pie dropped on me!

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Oh! The old bear-in-the-loo- pork-pie-on-the-head excuse, eh?

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OK, if you ARE Big Howard, what are your middle names?

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Oliver Drinkwater.

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Hur hur hur!

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They are NOT funny!

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Hmm, Big Howard didn't think so either!

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Whoever you are, you're good.

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Or maybe you're a crazy, Big Howard-obsessed stalker!

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Mother! Get him!

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-Waaagh! What have you done with Mother!?

-Nothing!

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-What have you done to my award?!

-What award!?

-This award!

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Best Joke About A Sheep At the Dibden Purlieu Comedy Festival 2001!

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YOU told a joke?!

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Yeah. How many sheep does it take to change a light bulb?

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I don't know, how many sheep does it take to change a light bulb?

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None! Sheep cannot change light bulbs!

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THAT won you an award?!

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There wasn't much competition that year.

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I think I got points for factual accuracy. Oh...

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Why did you break my award?!

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-I didn't, and it's not yours, it's Big Howard's!

-I am Big Howard!

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When we find Mother, she'll back me up! Mother! Mother?

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Maybe she's been eaten by the bear!

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-That would explain why it's still in the loo.

-Mother!

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-What the?

-Mother!

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Typical, there's a massive power drill sticking out the floor.

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-Mother!

-What's that doing there?

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And a jack-hammer?

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Mother! Mother?

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Why is the front door blocked by a massive pile of tinned meat?

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Perhaps Mother misunderstood the term "spam blocker".

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You're really not Big Howard.

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He's never said anything that clever in his entire life.

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This delivery note was signed for

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by Steeth Gak-Slorn, Nomad of Pan-Tang?!

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No! Not the Nomad of Pan-Tang!

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"Steeth Gak-Slorn staggered through the gates

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"of Metthy Spletheth of Blethy Smethy Peth.

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"Today he would finally slay Mimpar the great yeti flamper."

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How can he have been here?!

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He's from Plimrath The Valiant - the book I've been reading!

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Intruder Alert! Identify yourselves!

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-Ow!

-I knew it! Mother doesn't recognise you!

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I don't recognise either of you! How do you know my name?!

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Ow! Mother, it's me!

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I know it's "you".

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But I've never seen "you" before in my operational history!

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Police! Vicar! Traffic warden! Help! Activate meatball canon!

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Meatball?

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Ow! Peg it, Fake Big Howard!

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Please don't call me that!

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Roooaar!

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-That does actually sound a lot like a bear.

-Wait a minute!

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Sometimes YOU make noises like that when you're on the toilet.

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The real you, I mean. But you're not the real you, are you? So...

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the real you must be in there! Real Big Howard!

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Real Big Howard, stop pooing like a bear and help me.

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I'm not sure what you're supposed to do if you're attacked by a bear.

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I think you're supposed to just die and let it eat you.

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Arrrrgh! TOILET FLUSHES

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Phew!

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It's only Lady Gaga.

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Lady Gaga?!

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What?! Seriously!

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What?! Why is Lady Gaga in the bathroom?

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Where is the real Big Howard?

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Why has Mother lost her... agh!

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Too many questions!

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To hear the others, press the pink button during this advert.

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It won't work, but it'll give you something to do.

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Do you want to improve your memory?

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Well, why not try the miracle memory improving...thingy!

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Er, what was it?

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It's a special kind of electronic hat, wasn't it?

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No, um... No, it's gone.

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OK, Lady Gaga, if that is your real name...

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What are you doing in our...

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I mean, MY house?

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Oh, I'm jiggered if I know, pet!

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Mind like a sieve with the runs, me! Ooh, I feel right queer, I do!

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You look a bit odd, too. You're dressed like a bear!

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Oh, I know why I'm dressed as a bear.

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It's cos I'm barmy, zany and madcap.

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But I can't remember anything else at all! What am I doing here?

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Am I filming one of my kooky pop videos?

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Lady Gaga's lost her memory!

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That's not the only thing she's lost.

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Very curious Watson, very curious.

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-Er, I'm not Watson.

-Well, you're not Big Howard.

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This...is a three-Sherbet-Fountain mystery.

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We need to piece together the clues!

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First! We need a glass blackboard

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like one of those ones off one of those crime dramas.

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Lady Gaga, thank you for the loan of your glass blackboard

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like they use on crime dramas.

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And the lobster suit suits you better than the bear.

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Now then, what have we got?

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One - Big Howard replaced by better looking and cleverer replica.

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I have not... Oh, er, thank you.

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Two - Mother buried under tinned meat, shooting meatballs at people

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and has no idea who I am.

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-She has no idea who I am either.

-Nobody has any idea who you are!

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Three - Massive pork pie falls from ceiling.

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Four - Big drill coming up through the floor.

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And my award's broken!

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I still don't really believe that Big Howard won an award,

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but if you insist.

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And you have no memory of the last few days.

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I haven't lost my memory,

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I've just been reading and not paying attention to anything else.

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And a fictional character signed for tinned meat.

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-And I was in yer bog dressed as a funky disco bear.

-With amnesia.

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-Your knees are made of ham?!

-I do own gammon knee-pads,

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but I didn't wear them today. Just my necklace of scotch eggs.

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No, "amnesia" means loss of memory.

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Hang on! Scotch eggs, ham-knees, pile of tinned meat!

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And a massive pork pie! Bon Jovi, I think I've got it!

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What?!

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They're all baked meat products!

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THAT'S your big deduction?!

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Still doesn't explain why you can't recognise your best friend.

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I can recognise my best friend, he just isn't you!

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All right, I'll prove that I'm Big Howard.

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There's my driving licence, my cartoon boy licence,

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and there is my book on hypnosis.

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What's that doing there?

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Big Howard reading a book?!

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And it doesn't have any pictures?!

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"A Pocket Guide To Self-Hypnosis For The Easily Fooled."

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-Wait! Hypnosis can help you remember things, can't it!?

-Sometimes!

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-How do you know? You're a pop star!

-You'll never guess what, chuck!

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I'm also a fully-trained hypnotist!

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Hmm?

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I am! How else do you explain my massive popularity?

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If you want someone to put you in a trance

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and take a squizz at your hidden memory, I'm yer lady...

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Gaga.

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Well, I'm afraid that won't happen, I'm far too strong-willed to...

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Piece o' cake!

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-Little Howard?

-Yesss...pleeease.

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You are, like, totally under my power.

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Nggg, I suppose so.

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Right, petal, what's the last thing you can remember?

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Being hypnotised.

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That's now, go back a bit, love.

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Ooh, I'm remembering something subconkerously!

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DOORBELL RINGS

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Little Howard, can you get that for me?

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I've got a job lot of tinned meat for Mother.

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Just sign there, please, don't worry about putting in the time.

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Ooh, jolly good, my meat's here!

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Hang on, where'd you want 'em?

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Oh, just through here pl...

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Hey, what happened then?

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You signed for delivery Gak-Slorn as you were so absorbed in your book!

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Mother lost her memory as she had the tins dropped on her processors!

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-Nice work, Lady Gaga.

-I solved the mystery!

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Only one of the mysteries, Lardy Gurkah.

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Why I don't remember reading this book?

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"Dear Malcolm."

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Ahhhhh!

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One move and you're history, lobster-lady!

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Don't shoot, Mother! It's Loony Gargoyle!

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-Lady Gaga!

-Really? Oh, so it is!

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Hello, dear. Big fan! You look different on the telly.

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BOOM!

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Ow!

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-Now explain who you are, cartoon tyke!

-I'm not Big Howard!

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Finally, you've got it into your thick head!

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-That is just typical of you, Big Howard!

-I'm not Big Howard.

-Really?

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Oh, You almost had me convinced.

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Never mind who you're not, who are you?!

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-Not sure. But look at this letter.

-"Dear Malcolm.

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"You might find this chapter useful. From, Big Howard?!"

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It's a chapter about hypnotising yourself

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into thinking you're someone else!

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Maybe I'm hypnotised into thinking I'm Big Howard!

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Why do you think that?

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This was signed from Big Howard, look!

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-Different!

-Oh, that is rum!

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Would me doing some interpretive dance cheer you up, pet?

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-Erm...

-Good work, Fake Big Howard! But where's the real Big Howard?!

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-And who are you really?

-I'm not sure.

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I suppose I'm Malcolm. Malcolm...

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Malcolm...

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Hello, Big Howard? I'm Malcolm from the lookalike agency.

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You ordered a lookalike of yourself to babysit tonight.

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Yes, I did. Where is he?

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Well, you're not famous enough to have your own look-alike,

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so since nobody knows who you are, my boss thought I might do.

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I work in accounts. I'm not a very good actor.

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-But there will be a discount.

-Oh.

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Right well, I could always doctor some photos,

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and I could lend you a DVD of our series, and..

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Oh, I've got a book on self hypnosis that might help out.

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-A bit stupid is he?

-Oh, no, he's just reading a very good book.

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He's not really paying attention. Plimrath the Valiant.

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Ahhh!! Eeh! Urgh!

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Aaargh!

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That's lovely dears. But I still have no idea who any of you are...

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-except Lady Gaga of course, big fan.

-Right back at you, babes!

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So if you don't get out of my house,

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I'll change the setting on this from "smarts a bit" to "exterminate"!

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Arrrrrrrgh!

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Silly people. Now to make this dress!

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So where IS the REAL Big Howard?

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I don't know! I can't remember anything else.

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'Ere, boys, your mother's divine! That's the dog's bangles that is!

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What is she doing in there?!

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She's making a fabulous dress out of tins of luncheon meat.

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-That is SO me.

-Hey!

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Mother's always liked your dress lack-of-sense.

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She was saying so yesterday when... Oh... Hold on!

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Ooh, I could make a dress out of tinned meat!

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-That would go down well at the party!

-Shhh!

-Oops!

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Do you think he heard you mention the party?

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You could pull his arms off and he wouldn't notice,

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so long as it wasn't the one holding that book.

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Hey! That gives me an idea.

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I must have heard more than I realised! Uh...

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Who you gawping at like a pig who's seen a sausage machine?!

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-How do you do that?!

-Me mum was a Transformer.

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Why would Mother go to a party in a dress made of tinned meat?!

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Maybe if the party was thrown by someone famous for zany dress ideas?

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Someone like you, Radio GooGoo!

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Radio Gaga!

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Lady Gaga!

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It could've been one of mine.

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I throw a party whenever I want to show off me new dance moves!

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And do you have any new dance moves, Miss Gaga?

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You bet ya Ben-10 pants I do!

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Oh, I came up with a brand new one just last night. How's it go? Yeah!

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# Everybody do the Jackhammer!

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# Brrrr! #

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-Like that.

-Right.

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Can't see this one catching on if I'm honest, Lazy Gherkin.

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Lady Gaga!

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I got the idea last night when I... Ooh!

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DRILLING AND BACKGROUND MUSIC

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Come on, you daft machine!

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Oh, this is proving to be a lot of hard work.

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DRILLING

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Wow!

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I remember being here last night, and using the jackhammer,

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and a welding torch, but I can't remember why!

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And while doing that,

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did you get hit in the face by a pretend gold sheep?

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Well, I did once beat up Fiddy Cent.

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You have gold paint on your face in a distinctive fleecy pattern.

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Now, where have I seen that pattern before?

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The massive pork pie!

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You were both struck by Big Howard's Golden Sheep Award!

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-That must be how it got broken!

-Big Howard loves that award!

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He told me so when I invited him to my party.

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Your Baked-Meat-roduct theme party?

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Happen as how that was the theme of it.

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Best party theme I've had since my "dress as your dead pet" sleep-over.

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So, Big Howard went to Lady Gaga's party without me!

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But where is he now? And why did he hit you with the award?

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-He didn't hit me with it!

-Oh, not another one!

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DRILLING

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BAA!

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You knocked yourself out trying to beat up an enormous pork pie. Great!

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We've sorted out all the mysteries that DON'T MATTER AT ALL!?

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NOW WHERE IS BIG HOWARD!?

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MUSIC BEGINS

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# Where is he? What have you done with him?

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# He could've fallen in the toilet, he is a little dim

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# Where is he? I have got no idea

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# How could the great big doofus just simply disappear?

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# Where is he? He can't be hard to find

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# It should be pretty easy to spot his big behind

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# Where is he? He should have stayed at home

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# He's left me and Lady Gaga all on our own

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# Where have you put him? Where did he go?

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# I've found all the clues but I still don't know

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# Where has he got to? Where can he be?

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# I've found all the clues now, so where is he?

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# Where is he? I've hunted high and low

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# There can't be many places the massive twit can go

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# Where is he? I've got to find him now!

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# He's like a needle in a haystack, the size of a cow!

0:19:060:19:10

# Now that he's gone missing

0:19:100:19:11

# I think that you might miss him

0:19:110:19:15

# He's a bit too wide, too thick, and too long

0:19:150:19:17

# But you don't know what you've got till it's gone

0:19:170:19:21

# Where is he? I've hunted high and low

0:19:240:19:26

# There can't be many places the massive twit can go

0:19:260:19:30

# Where is he? I've looked in every place

0:19:300:19:33

# I think I might miss his great big face... #

0:19:330:19:38

Are you STILL here? I warned you!

0:19:400:19:43

I've got one meatball left, but it's been in the microwave for ages.

0:19:430:19:47

This baby is thermonuclear!

0:19:470:19:51

KABOOM!

0:19:510:19:54

-Big Howard!

-Oh...

0:19:560:19:59

# There is he, I spy his pasty face

0:19:590:20:01

# Turns out all along he was in a pastry case

0:20:010:20:05

# There is he! He's in a massive pie

0:20:050:20:07

# We're running out of time so we can't explain why! #

0:20:070:20:11

OK. What were you doing in the pie?

0:20:110:20:14

I wanted to jump out of the pie to surprise Lady Gaga at her party.

0:20:140:20:18

And I was going too, with Big Howard!

0:20:180:20:21

MOTHER! You've got your memory back!

0:20:210:20:23

Oh, I got that back ages ago.

0:20:230:20:26

I just wanted to try out my thermonuclear meatball bazooka.

0:20:260:20:29

So, why couldn't I go to the party?

0:20:290:20:32

I always invite mutant child-eating pigmy horses to my dos.

0:20:320:20:36

They're great dancers, but a health-and-safety nightmare.

0:20:360:20:40

He said you were so into your book you wouldn't notice he'd gone!

0:20:400:20:44

But I finished my book too early.

0:20:440:20:47

And he made the crust too thick.

0:20:470:20:49

I had to take him all the way home from my party,

0:20:490:20:52

stuck in his giant pork pie.

0:20:520:20:54

-And you've been in that pie ever since?

-Yeah.

0:21:020:21:06

It was surprisingly comfortable,

0:21:060:21:08

until you set your klaxon off and I fell on Malcolm here.

0:21:080:21:11

I do wish you wouldn't do that.

0:21:110:21:13

-Well that was a funny old day, wasn't it?

-Big Howard,

0:21:190:21:23

you might be a big flappy chump, but I did...kinda miss you.

0:21:230:21:28

-It's very nice...

-Even though Malcolm was cleverer than you.

0:21:280:21:31

-And less clumsy. And he had better hair and...

-Yes, thank you!

0:21:310:21:35

I'm just glad that everything's back to normal.

0:21:350:21:39

-MALCOLM:

-Help!

0:21:390:21:40

There's a knight with a basket of poached eggs after me.

0:21:400:21:43

He thinks I'm you! He says you lost his pet butterfly

0:21:430:21:47

when you were beaten at water polo by Vanessa Hudgens!

0:21:470:21:50

ALL: AAAARRRGGGH!!

0:21:500:21:55

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