Can We Sing for a Whole Episode? Little Howard's Big Question

# La la la la... #

# My dog had scabies... #

AIRHORN

# I, Little Howard have come up with

# Another one of my Big Questions!

# Can we sing for a whole episode? #

# How I wish you wouldn't do that I do wish you wouldn't do that

# I think you already knew that But I do wish you wouldn't do that! #

AIRHORN

# I love monkeys, I love monkeys

# All those happy little Chirpy little monkeys

# With their tails and their bananas

# I think that if we all were monkeys we'd have happier mananas

# Give me monkeys, lots of monkeys

# For you know that it's the monkeys I adore!

# If my love said that she did not love those monkeys

# I wouldn't love her any more. #

Thank you very much!

# What do you say to a musical?

# No better way than a musical

# What a fine day for a musical

# There is no way to refusical!

# You have just got to be joking, kid Singing can get a bit insipid

# Hiring a band'll cost several quid

# Let's do the first song we ever did. #

# Sleep will calm you

# Bed will rest you

# I have got to go to sleep

# Go to bed or go insane

# After several days awake I have found it hard to take

# Control back of my brain

# I have got to close my eyes

# Close the door upon the day

# After several days alert

# My head has start to hurt Drop off and float away. #

# And I can answer your question

# Of why you go to bed

# That if you don't you'll go out of your head

# I have got to have a kip

# Sleep will calm you

# Let my brain rest for the night

# Bed will rest you

# I need more than forty winks That is what the expert thinks

# For my head to wake up right

# Bed will rest you

# I have got to go to bed

# Sleep will calm you

# Go to sleep or go beserk

# Bed will rest you

# It is not coincidental That I've been a little mental

# And my legs no longer work

# For sleep's your mind's little playground

# And dreams, its cinema

# Bed bugs are the extras You're the star!

# I have got to go to sleep

# Sleep will calm you

# Go to bed or go insane

# Bed will rest you

# After several days awake I am finding it hard to take

# Control...of my brain

# Bed will rest you

# Sleep will calm you

# Bed will rest you. #

# Never trust a pigeon with your money or career

# If you lend him anything it's sure to disappear

# Pigeons should be viewed with suspicion, dread and fear

# Never trust a pigeon!

# Some of them are scrawny Some of them are fat

# I'd only trust a pigeon on the inside of a cat

# They are what you get if you stick feathers on a bat

# Never trust a pigeon! #

PHONE RINGS

Hello? Oh.

# Surely all pigeons can't be that bad?

# It's just a bad experience that you have had

# I know I nicked some money but let's not go mad

# There's nothing wrong with pigeons!

# Pigeons are nasty, pigeons are sly

# They are what you get if you stick feathers on a fly

# You ask Nelson's Column, he'll reply

# "Never trust a pigeon!"

Yes, hello? Oh, it's him again.

# We are just misunderstood

# In our pigeon chests we're good

# Be you stool pigeon or wood

# You can trust a pigeon!

# Yes, our pigeon caused some consternation

# But who are we to hand him a damnation?

# Maybe it's because he's animation

# Never trust cartoons! #

# You can't say that that's appalling

# There's so much that you're ignoring

# I'm not like him just because I'm a drawing

# There's nothing wrong with cartoons!

# It's not fair, that's my point

# Don't get your beak all out of joint

# You can't judge people by what they look like

# We can't judge you by another cartoon, tyke

# Yes, OK, I think I see

# If I judge him then he can judge me

# But on one thing we can agree

-# He's a mean, mean pigeon

-He's a mean, mean pigeon

-# He's a mean, mean pigeon

-He's a mean, mean pigeon

-# He's a mean, mean pigeon

-He's a mean, mean pigeon

-# He's a mean, mean pigeon

-Pigeon

-# Pigeon.

-Pigeon.

-Pigeon

-Pigeon.

-Pigeon.

-Pigeon! #

# Your suggestion for a big question Is enough to give me indigestion

# I'm no singer and I'm no dancer

# Let's hear a song that gives a big answer

# Will I ever chat to a velociraptor?

# Go one on one

# With an iguanodon?

# Will my eyes alight on an anatotitan?

# Will they ever focus on a diplodocus?

# Oh, will I see a T-Rex attack a stegosaurus's spiky back?

# Utahraptors hunting in packs Will the dinosaurs ever come back?

# Will I share my packed meal with a pterodactyl?

# Will I give my coleslaw

# To an icthyosaur?

# Give my fizzy pop

# To triceratops?

# Have a slice of cheese

# Saurornithoides... #

That's my cheese, give me the cheese!

# Sing the chorus to a brontosaurus!

# Oh, will I see a T-Rex attack

# A stegosauraus's spiky back?

# Utharaptors hunting in packs

# Oh, will the dinosaurs ever come back?

# But a stegosaurus

# Is gonna floor us

# And a pterodactyl

# Will have me for a packed meal

# With an iguanodon

# I get stepped upon

# And a Tyrannosaurus

# Is going to want to gore us... #

Aaaaaah!

# I hope the dinosaurs don't come back

# Or else I'll be a T-Rex's snack

# I've seen a brontosaurus attack

# I hope the dinosaurs don't come back

# I hope the dinosaurs don't come back

# Or else I'll be a T-Rex's snack

# I've seen the brontosaurus attack

# I hope the dinosaurs never come back. #

Aaaah!

PHONE RINGS

# Your song-singing antics have got their reward

# There's no-one else up for a music award

# If you can keep singing for 22 minutes

# There's a Children's BAFTA...

# You definitely could win it! #

# Quick, let's play another song

# Pick one that's worthy

# And preferably looooooooooong! #

# Whether the weather is cloudy or grey

# Raining tomorrow, or hailing today

# You break the bad news in such a nice way

# Sian Lloyd I'm thinking of you... #

I saw her first!

# Whether the weather is drizzly or wet

# You're the best weather-one I've ever met

# You warn me of thunder but I soon forget

# Sian Lloyd I'm thinking of you... #

# Call it a rain storm or a heavy dew

# Say it's inclement or the weather is poo

# Name it a cold snap or a touch of flu

# Sian Lloyd, I'm thinking of you

# Whether it's hail or a tropical storm

# Big nasty cold front but you'll keep us warm

# I'd sit through a blizzard to watch you perform

# You ruined my holiday

# With no apology

# Meteorology that's where we want to be

# Sian Lloyd...

# I'm thinking of you. #

# I want to be big

# Bigger than that

# Bigger than I figure I need to be

# I want to be huge

# Huge as a house

# A house is a mouse compared to me

# I want to be gi...normous and gigantic

# A giant would be frantic when they see me

# I want to be large

# Larger than life

# Or large as a life-sized effigy

# There's nothing wrong with being small

# You're hard to find but that is all

# There's nothing wrong with being wee

# If you are big enough to see... #

You! Stop moving there!

What do you mean, it isn't a fully functioning hospital!?

It says "hospital" on it!

That is false advertising!

Oh, dear.

# I want to be big...

But you're little

# Bigger than that

# Bigger than I figure I need to be

# I want to be huge...

But you're little

# Huge as a house

# A house is a mouse compared to me

# There's nothing wrong with being small

# You're hard to find but that is all

# Don't belittle little ones

# Is that you by the hospital nuns?

# I want to be gi...normous and gigantic

# A giant would be frantic when they see me

# I want to be large

# But you're little

# Larger than life

# Or large as a life-sized effigy!

# Don't say small, say petite

# Look where you put your massive feet

# Don't say small, say elegant

# Watch your hooves, you elephant! #

Little Howard?!

There's only one thing for it.

# I want to be big

# Bigger than that

# Bigger than I figure I need to be

# I want to be huge

# Huge as a house

# A house is a mouse compared to me

# I want to be gi...normous and gigantic

# A giant would be frantic when they see me

# I want to be large

# Larger than life

# Or large as a life-sized effigy. #

# Why do people feel the need to speak?

# Singing, it is just as valid

# We seem to sing a song every week

# Why have a conversation when you can have a ballad? #

# He was only a goldfish

# But he was mine

# If only just for a little time

# He was only a goldfish

# But I'm still sad

# He was the funniest fish I've had

# Just cos he was little

# Just cos he was small

# Just cos he was put on Earth for hardly any time at all

# Just cos he was orange

# Just cos he was wet

# I'll still miss him so

# He was only a goldfish

# He didn't do a lot

# He swam around his castle once

# Then once again once he'd forgot

# It was only a castle

# It was only a bowl

# But he loved them so

# And he said Just because you're plastic

# Just because you're fake

# Just because you make bubbles

# Come out your bum hole by mistake... #

I'm so sorry.

# Just cos you're a castle

# Just cos I'm a fish

# I still love you so

# Remember the goldfish

# And don't be sad

# He made the most of what he had

# Remember the goldfish

# And what he'd say -

# "Make the most of every day." #

# You don't have to do it solo

# Or do it on your own

# There's one thing that you must not forget

# If you can find a friend

# Or get them on the phone

# You could always do a nice duet! #

# You're the girl of my breams

# Though you've got a herring butt

# It's not my plaice to say

# As strange as it seems

# I'll say just for the halibut

# Oh, fishy woman

# Please do swim my way

# Come to me, fish woman Oh, you blow my mind

# You've got a fish's tail Instead of a behind

# Come to me, fish woman Girl, you blow my mind

# You've got a fish's tail instead of a behind

# If I stop eating fish Will you give me a kiss?

# If I buy dolphin-friendly tuna Will you be my girlfriend sooner?

# Half a woman, half a fish Girl, you knock me sideways

# Girl, you are my favourite dish Not just for tea on Fridays

# Come to me, fish woman I do not agree

# When they say that there are many more fish in the sea

# Come to me, fish woman Oh, you blow my mind

# You've got a fish's tail instead of a behind

# Come to me, fish woman Swim into my arms

# You don't have any legs But you have so many charms

# Come to me, fish woman Oh, what do you say?

# Cos I ain't gonna let you be The one that got away. #

# There are some kinds of music that can be a little boring

# They can have you looking at the clock

# If you've got a ditty that's leaving people snoring

# Hit them with a bit of heavy rock! #

# I've created a monster!

# I've created a thing that I detest

# In the beginning it was beautiful

# In the beginning it was better than the best

# I've created a monster!

# I've created a thing that I despise

# All I wanted was to save the day

# Not create a hairy thing with scary eyes! #

What have I done?!

Are you ready for the brand-new daytime quiz show for the elderly,

infirm, and easily alarmed?

Yes, it's here! Introducing, in his daytime television debut, the large,

but basically unthreatening bundle of fun that is Biiiiiiig Howard Read!

CHEERING

HE SHOUTS UNINTELLIGIBLY

THEY SCREAM

# I think I'm worse than a monster!

# When I realise that this is all my fault!

# I think I'm worse than Dr Frankenstein

# Even though I know I haven't got a lightning bolt

# Think I'm worse than a monster!

# I am worse than Dracula and Hyde

# I'm becoming a monster!

# And the monster comes from deep inside

# I'm becoming a...

# I'm becoming a...

# I'm becoming a monster!

# I'm becoming a...

# I'm becoming a...

# I'm becoming a monster! #

# I could go to any length If I had super-human strength

# I'd be so safe from harm If I could just re-grow an arm

# I'd probably be all right If I could see at night

# But I know what I need to save the day!

# I need a super visor!

# It's the only thing that will get me through

# A super visor!

# Put them on and they'll show me what to do!

# A super visor!

# Super visor will help me see the light!

# A super visor!

# It will show me that everything's all right

# I would never face defeat If I could see your body heat

# I'd be good at self-defence If I could only climb a fence

# I wouldn't be so miserable If I could be invisible

# But I know what I need to save the day!

# I need a super visor!

# It's the only thing that will get me through

# A super visor!

# Put them on and they'll show me what to do!

# A super visor!

# Super visor will help me see the light!

# A super visor!

# Show me everything is all right

# It'll knock me into shape! Cos I'm shape-able!

# It's gonna put me in a cape! I'm in-cape-able!

# Incapable!

# Incapable!

# A super visor!

# It's the only thing that will get me through

# A super visor!

# Put them on and they'll show me what to do!

# A super-visor!

# It will blow their evil plan open wide

# A super visor!

# When you're wearing your underpants outside! #

# With all these lovely songs

# It would be really nice to sell them

# Perhaps the BBC would let us just release an album!

# I'll get you next time, my friend!

# Though I've been vexed This is not the end

# You've won the battle But not the war

# I'll lick my wounds And come back for more

# Oh, why can't we just be friends?

# This doesn't have to be how it ends

# You were so jealous, and I of you

# But think together What we could do

# I'll leap towards you From tree to tree

# I'll take your pet seed Then off I'll flee

# I'll chew your wiring And bury your nuts

# I'll leap to safety As your trap shuts

# I'll scratch your car roof With all my might

# There's no defence from The Squirrel of the niiiiight!

EVIL LAUGH

# Oh, why can't we patch things up?

# And live a lifetime Of catching up?

# You were so jealous And I of you

# But won't you let us Just start anew?

# I'll get you next time, my boy

# Though I'm perplexed I will soon destroy

# Though I am down I am far from out

# I'll give you something To cry about

# I'm you, but I'm feral I'll strike like a squirrel!

# The squirrel of the niiiiight!

# And you will loose that fight!

# The squirrel of the niiiiight! #

Ah ha ha ha ha!

# By jingo, we did it We sang every word

# Us not mucking up That is something unheard...

# ..of...

# By golly we've done it The whole show in song

# We sang every word And without a note wrong!

Right, what are we doing next week?

Oh, for goodness sake! We were so close!

What were you thinking?!

Ohh. Great big, flumping wally!

Sorry.

I hate you!