Why Do I Have To Share? Little Howard's Big Question

-Have a lovely holiday.

-Oh, I will.

Have you definitely got everything? Sunscreen guard, start-up disk.

Such a thoughtful boy.

Well, we don't want you having to come back for any reason, do we?

While I'm away, don't turn the living room

into a sprout-flavoured cordial factory,

and I don't want you playing golf in the house. Got that?

-Ye-e-e-e-s!

-And remember - no squabbling!

# Up front, suede shoes...

PREFAB SPROUT'S "KING OF ROCK N' ROLL" PLAYS ON RADIO

Hot dog, jumping frog,

Albuquerque!

What are you doing?!

You seriously don't know what I'm doing?

Mother explicitly told you not to... Ahhhh.

Mother told you not to play golf.

Well, she exquisitely told you not to start a sprout "cordial" factory!

It's obstructing the fairway.

Little Howard, we have to share this living room.

The way you've got to share it is by going away and letting me use it.

-This is not a fairway.

-No, it's an "unfair way", isn't it?

He-he-he. I think you'll find it's a highly successful sprout

"cordial" making facility, which is surprisingly volatile when disturbed.

HORN BLARES LOUDLY

I, Little Howard have come up with another of my Biiiiiig Questions!

Why do I have to share!?

Oh! I think I can see the green! Fore!

Golf balls!

# I love monkeys, I love monkeys

# All those happy little chirpy little monkeys

# With their tails and their bananas

# I think that if we all were monkeys we'd have happier mananas

# Give me monkeys, lots of monkeys

# For you know that it's the monkeys I adore.

# If my love said that she did not love those monkeys

# I wouldn't love her any more. #

-Thank you very much!

-EXPLOSION

Little Howard, next time,

do you think maybe I can share singing the theme tune with you?

Certainly. If you let me drive us home.

-But you can't drive.

-Well, you can't sing.

We have to share because...

...because everyone has to share! Tough custard.

The problem is we're doing things that don't work together.

We need to compromise - think of something else to do.

Brilliant idea! Compromise!

-Let's play indoor golf.

-That isn't a compromise.

There's load of things we can do, other than playing indoor golf.

We could always... We could...

Yeah. What are we going to do?

This was a fantastic idea!

Watching telly is what holds this country together.

That, and the chewing gum on the cracks in the pavements.

'And next on the History Without Funny Cartoons Or Jokes Channel,

'another war documentary.'

Not the History Without Funny Cartoons Or Jokes Channel!

Shush, you might learn something.

I do not watch television to learn things!

I watch it to forget the things that people have made me learn!

Coming up in our That's A Pretty Silly Reason To Start A War Season,

we look at the War of Jenkins' Ear, which started in 1739

when a captain stood up in the Commons

with his ear pickled in a bottle,

claiming it had been cut off by a Spanish coastguard.

# I love monkeys!

I'm trying to watch this!

# Those happy, little chirpy... # Come on! With energy!

-# I love the tails... #

-STYLUS SCRATCHES

-I thought we were having telly time together!

-We are!

You're watching it

and I'm dancing in front of it with a load of monkeys.

Go and do it somewhere else.

Come on lads, back to the laboratory.

Wait a minute! This isn't sharing!

Now I'm not even allowed in the living room!

Well!

If that's the way he wants to play it...

Next on our That's A Pretty Silly Reason To Start A War series,

the Boundary Skirmish of 1859, started when an Irish immigrant

-shot an American's pig.

-TV SWITCHED OFF

What the..?!

Do you like it?

I call this look, "Sultan Vinegar".

I've worked out a way to help us share. It's a rota system.

You'll find it on the fridge.

Oh, that's a splendid idea, Little Howard.

I'm glad you're finally learning to share.

So you've got the living room for the next six years. Six years?!

You've decorated the living room for the last six years,

-so it's only fair.

-I've got a better way we can share the house.

What are you doing with that "Fraggle" tape?

I must say this idea of mine is brilliant.

Throughout history, partitions have successfully

maintained peace.

Apart from post-war Germany...

and Cyprus... and...

It's the best idea you've had

since you licked the inside of the freezer door!

Look at us!

Living happily together, sharing, but also not sharing at all.

What sort of "cordial" are you making now?

It honks like a week-dead donkey.

I'm using peas now.

You're making pea "cordial"?

Yes, for some reason the sprout cordial tasted revolting.

Ahhhhh!!!

It's got plenty of body.

ROCK RECORD PLAYS LOUDLY

Right!

CHEESY DISCO RECORD PLAYS LOUDLY

PLAYS ROCK RECORD LOUDER

PLAYS CHEESY DISCO RECORD EVEN LOUDER

PLAYS ROCK RECORD EVEN MORE LOUDLY

BOTH RECORDS MERGE INTO ONE

RECORDS SLOW DOWN

Look what you've done! You've blown the fuse.

Oh! Oh! Where do you think you're going?

Well, someone's got to fix it.

I think you'll find it's on my side of the house!

Oh, and you're going to fix the fuse, are you?

I'm a fully-grown man, of course I can mend a fuse.

Erm, I'm having trouble calibrating the...

It doesn't seem to be working.

I'll try something else.

HAMMER POUNDS, ELECTRICITY CRACKLES

Will you just phone an electrician?

Yummy!

What's in the sandwich?

Peanut butter and jam.

A bit of banana, a lot of ham - and marshmallow.

If I wasn't so...

And sausages. And whelks.

If I wasn't so hungry, I'd be sick. You don't think I could just

pop over to the fridge and make myself something?

The fridge is in my half.

I tell you what, you go and sit down,

and I'll pop some potatoes in for you.

Awww, thanks.

What temperature should I put them on?

180, if you're doing jackets.

But you shouldn't touch the oven, it's a grown up job.

Oh, I know. That's why I'm going to put them in the washing machine.

What?!

You can't boil washed potatoes, they might shrink.

HE WHISTLES

PING

Here you are, Big Howard! I call this dish "pomme de pants".

Yummy.

Um, Big Howard, I need to do a wee, and I notice that I've got to go

through your half of the room to get to the toilet.

Ah well, we'll certainly see what we can do.

Oh, thank you! It is quite urgent.

You will have to apply for permission

to pass through MY territory to MY toilet, in writing...

in Latin.

Are you taking the widdle? Obviously, you're not.

Any decision will be made at a bi-weekly meeting,

which I have with myself, but...

Ohhh, which you've just missed.

But we should be able to get you a decision in two to three weeks.

What?!

Actually, you've just reminded me,

I could do with a lovely long wee myself.

Right!

TOILET FLUSHES

PLAYS BAGPIPES

I hope my committee looks favourably on your application for a wee.

That really is a most excellent toilet.

Ohhh, listen to that lovely splashing liquid...

Oh, I am sorry, I forgot you really needed a wee.

I don't need a wee any more thanks. I've been already.

I do hope you're enjoying your "pea" cordial.

I am, as a matter of fact, it seems to have got better

since I left the room, for some reason.

Why did you go like "that" on "pea" instead of "cordial"?

And where did you got to the toilet?

You... You didn't?!

When a boy's got to go, a boy's got to go.

When someone puts a lot of funnels and beakers in the kitchen...

You crossed the line!

Didn't need to. I found your "cordial" making kit

was just close enough. Didn't even drip on the lino.

I have written this piece of bagpipe music to commemorate my achievement.

PLAYS BAGPIPES

Right! That's it!

You've snatched the national bagpipes of Littlehowardia!

What?!

Littlehowardia. Keep up, Big Howard. It's the name of my kingdom.

This means wall.

Don't you mean war?

No, I'm building a wall.

Well, I'm building a wall, too.

# War! Huh!

# Yeah

# What is it good for?

# Absolutely nothing

# War! Huh!

# Yeah

# What is it good for?

# Absolutely nothing

# Say it again y'all

# War

# Huh! Look out!

# What is it good for?

# Absolutely nothing

# Listen to me

# War

# I despise... #

TOGETHER: Mother!

You're back!

After...one day?

What in Bluetooth blazes is going on here?

He started it!

Shut up and eat your yoghurt. I am intervening in this conflict

-on behalf of the P.U.N.

-The what?

The People's UN.

It's like the United Nations, but for people.

They sort out conflicts between countries,

and we do housemates, five-aside football teams and boy bands.

You two need to talk through your problems.

It's always helped you to resolve your disagreements in the past.

I mean, Big Howard, you forgave Little Howard

when he used your swanky silk kimono to mop up cat sick.

Well, I suppose...

Sssh.

Wait a minute, you told me my swanky silk kimono

was carried off by wild budgie smugglers.

Mother, that was supposed to be a secret!

Ah...well...um...Little Howard, you found it in your heart

to forgive Big Howard after he sold your signed photo

of Barry Chuckle to Shakira for £50, didn't you?

What?! You told me it was stolen by a ruthless gang

-of top international signed photo of Barry Chuckle thieves!

-Oops.

Stop it! Really. You two are going to be the death of me.

I'm going to try and calm down by doing an online shop.

Some waffles...er...ooh,

there's a sausage maker, I'll have one of those.

Eggs.

HE WHISPERS

DOORBELL RINGS

It's open!

Supermarket delivery. A tub of GoodSplatter's Flinging Yoghurt.

Over here.

# I did nothing

-# What did you learn at school?

-I didn't go

# Why didn't you go to school?

# I don't know

# It's cool

# To know nothing... #

DOORBELL RINGS

It's open!

Another supermarket delivery.

A 20-pack of easy-mix projectile blancmanges.

Over here!

# There's nothing on it

# I really want a really good coat With words on it

# What do you want for tea?

-# I want crisps

-Why don't you join the team..? #

-DOORBELL RINGS

-In you come!

# It's cool to know nothing... #

HE WHISPERS

DOORBELL RINGS

Fancy seeing you here.

You lot have single-handedly made my employers rethink

their free delivery policy. I've lost my job because of you!

All's fair in lunch and war.

Stop whingeing and give me a Tapioca pudding.

# No, they never miss a beat

# Never miss a beat

# Never miss a beat Never miss a beat... #

Why on earth do you need this much food?

TV ANNOUNCER: 'Coming up on day two of the

'That's A Pretty Silly Reason To Start A War season,

'the 1830 conflict which started when the ruler of Algeria slapped

'the French Ambassador with a fly swatter. As you can imagine,

'all of these wars, from the very beginning of time

'up until the present day have been carried out by...'

Mmmm, lovely.

Wait a minute.

This is enemy custard!

Aaarggggggh!!

Oh, wait a minute.

Don't want to cause any serious damage now.

Can't be too careful, after all.

Aaaarrrrgggh!

LITTLE HOWARD SCREAMS

Ha-ha!

EXPLOSION

SQUELCHING

BOTH SCREAM

Stop it, you mucky war pups, the pair of you!

Think of the children...

and the adult.

Look at what you have become!

What a senseless waste of pudding!

ELECTRICAL CRACKLING

Mother!

We've killed Mother.

What have we become?!

HE SOBS

I say "we". Looked like golden syrup. That's from your arsenal.

My arsenal, my foot.

That's runny honey. YOU killed Mother!

Aaaaarrrrrgggggh!

Aaaarrrrrgggggh!

# Girls in white dresses

# With blue satin sashes

# Snowflakes that stay

# On my nose and eyelashes

# Silver white winters

# That melt into springs

# These are a few of my favourite things

# When the dog bites

# When the bee stings

# When I'm feeling sad

# I simply remember

# My favourite things

# And then I don't feel

# So bad-d-d-d-d! #

What's your pea cordial factory doing?

Oh. It's never done that before. It looks as if it's about to explode.

THEY SCREAM

# And then I don't feel

# So bad. #

EXPLOSION

PIANO PLAYS

# What have we done?

# How did it get this far?

# Now that she's gone

# We've blown up our com-pu-tar

# What have we done?

# Tell me, how did this start?

# Can't believe that she's gone

# Her monitor blown apart

# How did this all evolve

# From playing indoor golf?

# How could pea cordial

# Put us through this ordeal?

# What have we done?

# How did it get this far?

# Can't believe that she's gone

# I think I found her space bar

# What have we done?

# What did we do this for?

# I've got a pain in the bum

# It's a shard of her disk-drive drawer

# The things you had to share

# Are now no longer there

# You could not get along

# Now all your love is gone

-# What have we done?

-How did this all evolve?

-# How did it get this far?

-From playing indoor golf?

-# Now that she's gone

-And making cordial

# We've blown up our com-pu-tar

# What have we done?

# How did this all evolve?

-# Tell me how did this start?

-From playing indoor golf?

-# Can't believe that she's gone

-How did it get this far?

-# Her monitor blown apart

-# I was three under par

-# What have we...

-# What have we...

TOGETHER: # What have you done? #

I hope you boys have learned your lesson.

Yes, we have, Angel Mother.

Because we couldn't share, we killed you and blew up our house.

Good. Then my work here is done.

Oh, flippin' 'eck, the winch mechanism's jammed.

Winch mechanism?

Er... yes...

they're having some technical difficulties in...

computer heaven. Bear with me!

Have they tried turning it off and then turning it on again?

Look, OK, I'm not dead. I just wanted to teach you both a lesson.

I keep spare Mothers in the basement and always back up my hard drive,

especially when you two are doing something dangerous.

TOGETHER: We've got a basement?!?

Oi! Come back here!

Get me down!

Help!