The Little Howard Awards Little Howard's Big Question

Welcome to The 71st Little Howard Awards for excellence

in the field of making Little Howard based television, radio and theatre.

But mainly television.

This is the first Little Howard Award Ceremony out of all 71

not to take place solely in the imagination of Little Howard.

So without further ado...

Ladies and gentlemen,

please, welcome your host for the first and last

annual Little Howard awards, Little Howard!

APPLAUSE

BIG HOWARD COUGHS

Oh, yes. And Big Howard.

-Hello. Good aft...

-SCREECH OF FEEDBACK

Sorry. Sorry.

Good afternoon and welcome to the Little Howard Awards!

APPLAUSE

Or as some people call them, the Howies!

People who have called them that have been removed from the theatre

and pushed in a puddle.

SCATTERED LAUGHTER

Ooh! Apparently, we're already overrunning!

OK, without further ado-do, here is the Golden Klaxon Award

for Best Klaxon Moment in Series Three.

And the nominations are...

'Little Howard for Why Do I Have To Share?'

It's a highly successful sprout cordial making facility,

which is surprisingly volatile when disturbed.

BELLOWING KLAXON

Oh! I think I can see the green!

FORE! Golf balls!

'Little Howard for How Can I Read Someone's Mind?'

Ooh! On second thoughts,

I'll just open the window and leave it for a couple more days.

BELLOWING KLAXON

I, Little Howard, have come up with

another one of my Bi-i-ig Questions!

How can I read someone's mind?

'Surprise, surprise - Little Howard for Why Am I Afraid?'

BELLOWING KLAXON

I, Little Howard, have come up with another of my Bi-i-ig Questions!

Why am I afraid?

A-a-argh!

Argh!

'And... Oh, for goodness sake!

'Little Howard, for Can I Catch A Mermaid?'

BELLOWING KLAXON

I do wish you wouldn't...

Ow! Ow!

APPLAUSE

Some classic Klaxon Moments there... from me.

-Yeah, right(!)

-Obviously the quality of entry was very high this year,

but there can only be one winner.

And the winner is...

BELLOWING KLAXON

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

We'll never know.

I'll keep it anyway. Next up is the Golden Monkey...

That's never gold!

The Brass Monkey Award for best monkey song.

-And the...

-SCREECH OF FEEDBACK

And the nominations are...

'Me, in Can I Catch A Mermaid?'

# I love mer-monkeys Lots of mer-monkeys

# All those flippy little flappy little mer-monkeys... #

'The lovely me, in Am I Art?'

# I think that if we all were monkeys

# We'd have happier mananas... #

'Me, in How Can I Change Someone's Mind?'

# For you know that it's the monkeys I adore... #

'And, last but not least, me, in Can I be In Two Places At Once?'

# I wouldn't love her any more. # Thank you very much!

What happened to the monkeys, Little Howard?

The Monkeys are on tour in Japan.

They sent this dance via satellite hologram.

And I'm still in bed!

Some fabulous monkey songs by me there but which is the winner?

And the win..

And the winner is...

"Dear Big Howard, you've been entered for a prize draw!" Ooh!

That's not the right envelope, Big Howard!

Oh, here it is.

And the winner is...

Oh... The monkey dance from today's show?!

Roger what's going on?

It's OK. I rigged it so today's song would win.

-But we haven't got one.

-But you will.

We are going to put on the best version of the Monkey Song ever!

With 100 fire-breathing monkeys in top hat and tails!

Brilliant!

I've won a holiday in Spain!

All I have to do is send my bank details to...

Put it in the shredder and read the next award.

You never let me send my bank details to anyone.

AUDIENCE: Aw!

The next award is The Golden Goose Award for Best Supporting Character.

Without supporting characters, the show would just be me and him,

and how rubbish would that be?

As rubbish as this?

Just read the nominations.

'Bob The Postman, as himself.'

-Who are you?

-It's OK, Big Howard,

you just fainted like a big, wet lettuce.

This is Bob The Postman.

Be careful shouting about mermaids, son.

Some people might think you're one envelope short of a postbag.

Sorry, did nobody mention? I work in the post office.

I mean they'll think you're a bit soft in the head.

'Some kid as the human version of me, only uglier and more annoying.'

Big Howard, isn't it brilliant?

I'm Little Howard!

What? Ow!

Honestly, he's very nice!

Joshua, stop kicking him!

What?! Argh! Ow!

Ere, are you kicking my client?!

'Jetman UK, as himself.'

-I reckon you two have got vertigo.

-No, vertigo just means dizziness.

I think you'll find we've got acrophobia.

No, only idiots think that's called vertigo. No offence.

'And Lady Gaga as Lady Gaga, but a bit less weird than the real one

'in Where is Big Howard?'

# I think that you might miss him

# He's a bit too wide, too thick, and too long

# But you don't know what you've got till it's gone... #

APPLAUSE

Unfortunately, only three of the nominees

could make it tonight, so let's hope one of them wins.

-And the winner is...

-DRUM ROLL

..Roger T Pigeon?! He wasn't even nominated!

Ah, yes! I'm here, everybody. It's Roger time! Hi, fans.

I'd like to thank my...self really.

Fair's fair, I was the best.

But I'd like to say a word to all the other nominees,

and that word is...

losers!

BOOING

I'm so sorry.

The next award is the Awokup Anitwaz-Alladream Award

for Most Plausible Story.

This award was named in memory of Awokup Anitwaz-Alladream,

one of our oldest and wisest monkey script writers,

who died earlier this year when he was crushed under the weight

of an infinite number of typewriters that fell on his head

when he was trying to put them away in the cupboard.

The Awokup Anitwaz-Alladream Award is for the most plausible

and believable storyline in the series.

Oh, dear!

'The nominations for the most plausible storyline are...

'Little Howard growing massive in Why Can't I Be Bigger?'

Look at me, Big Howard, I'm enormous!

I warn you, you'll bang your head on something.

Stupid tiny giant! Ow!

'The parallel universe bit in Can I Be In Two Places At Once?'

Yeah, I bet if he was in your show you'd have to do

another cheap best-of episode at the end of the series, huh?

But I'm worth it, baby. Look at the individual hairs.

'It turning out to be Bob The Postman all along,

'in Can I Catch A Mermaid?'

And the idiots fell for that?

Well, I tell you for definite,

this is not a hoax, this is the real deal. Oh, yes, sir.

'Erm, Big Howard, the mermaid... it's Bob The Postman!

'Don't be so silly, Little Howard. It's clearly a beautiful...

'What the...?! Ooh!'

LAUGHTER

Oh, that's priceless! It really is!

'And finally, the house blowing up, in Why do I Have To Share?'

-I hope you boys have learned your lesson!

-Yes, we have, Angel Mother.

Because we couldn't share, we killed you and blew up our house.

Good. Then my work here is done.

Oh, flippin' heck, the winch mechanism's jammed!

APPLAUSE

And the winner is...

Oi! Flappy legs! Bit of a problem with the monkey dance.

The monkeys want paying more.

Fair enough. We do pay them peanuts.

Yes, and they want MORE peanuts.

But don't worry, they'll get more peanuts over my dead body!

That's very generous of you.

We can give them Roger's dead body! They'll like that.

No, you've misunderstood.

We can't give in to monkey labour intimidation!

Don't worry, I will crush them like a frog.

A frog?!

You haven't seen Roger's pet frog, have you?

The next category is The Golden Shot Award for best stunt man.

Now, I'm yet to win an award so far,

but I'm quietly confident about this one.

And the knobbly knees are...

'Big Howard for the food fight, in Why Do I Have To Share?'

# ..Dresses with blue satin sashes

# Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes

# Silver white winters that melt into springs... #

'Big Howard for the parachute jump, in Why Am I Afraid?'

# ..My favourite things

# When the dog bites

# When the bee stings When I'm feeling sad... #

'Big Howard for the rolling down the hill bit,

'in How Can I Read Your Mind?'

# ..And then I don't feel So bad... #

'And Big Howard for the awesome bicycle stunt at the start

'of Why Can't I Be In Charge?'

OW!

I do wish you wouldn't do that!

Ow!

APPLAUSE

And the winner is, if I do say so myself...

..Har...?! Harrison Johnson?!

Who the...?!

Harrison Johnson is my on-set stand-in,

without whom this show would not be possible.

He's a bit of flippin' wood!

Here are some examples of his very fine work,

-followed by an in-depth interview with me.

-What?!

# Hello

# Hello

# Hello

# Hello Oh, oh, oh, oh... #

# It's all right I'm getting busy

# Just enjoy a pop

# It's OK with me if you don't have that much to say, hey!

# Kinda like this goon But there's something you should know

# I just came to say hello... #

APPLAUSE

Harrison Johnson, thank you very much for talking to us tonight,

and congratulations on your award.

Thank you. It is very nice to be honoured in this way.

I am not having my award given to a bit of flippin' wood!

Who are you calling wooden? I'm a better actor than you!

How dare you! I have never been so insulted,

specifically by a bit of wood, in all my entire life!

Roll the adverts!

FEEBLE FANFARE

Coming up: The best ad from the Mermaids episode.

If you're still waiting for the DVD box-set, don't hold your breath.

Unless, of course, you're under water.

All 4,000 episodes of the cult TV classic

The Underwater Crime-Fighting Mermaid From The Sea!

HORNPIPE PLAYS

WEST COUNTRY ACCENT: Hello!

Hello, I'm a mermaid, but I also solves underwater crimes.

Hello.

My name is Big Howard and I went to the launderette

and I took out my bag of pants and everyone ran away

because I smell of eggy guffs. But now I use this...

'Roger, please don't show that one!'

Argh!

Coming soon, the Tiny Classics Season -

a series of films specially for the teensy weensy.

This Sunday, Microscopic Sherlock Holmes,

the first ever costume drama entirely performed by germs on a slide.

Starring the Ebola virus as the great detective.

So we're in the digestive tract.

Is there a name for this canal, Holmes?

Alimentary, my dear Watson, alimentary.

It's here at last. The Panoonis Sticker Book of Phobias.

Untold thousands of stickers to collect,

each depicting a genuine fear.

Genuphobia - fear of knees. Lutraphobia - fear of otters.

Defecaloesiophobia - fear of pooing.

Advertophobia - fear of adverts.

What?! Nobody's afraid of adverts!

APPLAUSE

I hope you enjoyed those adverts.

I know I certainly did. And the next award is... Here!

Get off! Ar-r-rgh!

BOOING

Nothing wrong with a bit of healthy competition, Big Howard.

Shut up. The next award...

Oh, no...

The next award is Lifetime of Irritation Award.

This prestigious award goes to a person who's been a constant pain

in the backside throughout the series.

It goes to our inappropriately maternal computer, Mother.

Morning, Mother!

-Lovely day for a cycle ride, dear!

-Isn't it just?

Wait a minute.

-Let's do it!

-Oh, 'eck!

Yippee-ki-yay!

# Give it all away Give me one last try... # Whoo!

My circuits are buzzing like a hornet's nest, yo! Let's do it again!

-Oh, dear.

-Whooo!

Where's the flumping plane, dude!

# The things you had to share

# Are now no longer there

# You could not get along

# Now all your love is gone!

# What have we done?

-# How did this all evolve?

-How did it get this far?

-# From playing indoor golf?

-Now that she's gone

# How could pea cordial

-# We've blown up our com-pu-ter!

-Put us through this ordeal?

-# What have we done?

-The things you had to share

-# Tell me how did this start?

-Are now no longer there!

-# Can't believe that she's gone

-How did it get this far?

-# Her monitor blown apart

-I was three under par

-# What have we?

-What have we?

-What have you done? #

APPLAUSE

I can't believe Mother got her own award.

Oh, come on, Big Howard, you've won a couple... Oh, no.

No, you haven't, have you?

'Ere, whatever your names are.

Just to let you know I've broken the monkey strike.

Oh, great. How?

I was firm but... Well, not fair, exactly.

I was firm, but rude, and ultimately they respect my authority.

You won't have any more trouble from those monk...

Can you smell burning? Has someone lit a...? Oh, 'eck!

Oi! Mind me feathers! Get off, you silly simians!

Wow! That should make it into the Best Action Sequence category.

'The first and last flight of Jetman UK.'

THUD!

Oh, dear.

'Me, rampaging around Purley like King Godzilla.'

Where are you, Gordon? Gordon!

THUNDERING FOOTSTEPS

That can't be him, he's tiny!

Oops, silly me. Come here you!

'Us scooba-dee-doo diving.'

'And finally, us blowing up our house.'

It looks as if it's about to explode.

# And then I don't feel so bad. #

APPLAUSE

And the next award is the Geoff Coward Award for brilliant direct...

PHONE RINGS

Sorry.

Hello?

Hello. Er, I'm up a tree.

Turns out the monkeys won't be doing the monkey song, but...

I've arranged something else.

You'll get your monkey song, just not the monkeys.

Did you say you're up a tree?

Oh, yes. Pretty good place to hide from monkeys, eh?

One thing monkeys can't do is fly.

Except in The Wizard of Oz.

I'm pretty sure monkeys are quite good at climbing trees.

Oh, dear.

MONKEY'S SCREECH

'Argh! Me wing...'

APPLAUSE

The final category this year is The Best Little Howard Award,

rewarding the best Little Howard in all of the series.

-What?!

-And the nominees are...

No, no! You don't...!

'Me. Oh, not me. H9 in How Can I Be In Two Places At Once?'

Ow! Little Howard, you're on fire!

My pleasure!

Oh. You are actually on fire.

Oh, must get that fixed before the invasion.

The what?

-Erm, nothing!

-Ow!

'Massive me in Why Can't I Be Bigger?'

Little Howard, you come down here this instant, young man,

before you get shot down by biplanes.

-Biplanes?! Ha! I eat biplanes for breakfast!

-Right!

I'm telling Mother. You just wait.

DIALS NUMBER

'CGI me in How Can I Be In Two Places At Once again.'

You will all obey me!

Obey! Obey! Obey!

'Tiny me, in Why Can't I Be Bigger?'

You've got to help! I'm shrinking! Do you know the way to the hospital?

Thank you, madam.

'And the cardboard cut-out of me, in How Can I Be In Two Places At Once?'

-You're grounded, young man.

-I'm very sorry, Big Howard.

I shan't take my eyes off you for a minute!

Trying to sneak out of the house without me noticing.

I'm not an idiot, you know! Eyes like a hawk!

APPLAUSE

And the winner is, with over 90% of the vote... What?!

Harrison Johnson, who played the photo-copied Little Howard

in Two Places At Once?! Oh, I'm furious!

CHUCKLING >

Listen, Little Howard, there are a load of ants back here

in tiny monkey costumes.

They say they're here for the Monkey Song.

But we told everybody we were going to do a song and dance

-with 100 monkeys. Not ants!

-Yeah. It will be a bit of an anti-climax!

Anty-climax! Hee-hee-hee! Ants!

I said anty-climax!

I heard what you said.

Ha-ha-ha. Huh...

Cos it's the end of the show and it'll be a damp squib.

An anty-climax! Anty. They're ants. Anty-climax!

There's no chance we're ending this series on THAT joke.

Cue the Monkey Song!

CHEERING

# I love monkeys I love monkeys All those

# Happy, little chirpy, little monkeys

# With their tails that they used to have

# And their bananas that they used to have

# I think that now that we are monkeys we have happier mananas

# Gave me monkeys lots of monkeys

# For you knew that it's the monkeys I adore

# If my love said that she did not gave me monkeys

# I would not gave... oh... more. #

SQUELCH!

What the...?!

-Bleurgh!

-Oh, the humanity!

Oh, come off it. They're only ants!

Very talented ants.

Bye!

ONE PERSON CLAPS