The Ladder of Love Lockie Leonard

# Worlds away from anyone

# They were burning themselves out in the sun

# Worlds away from anyone

# They were burning themselves out in the sun

# There was just enough to get that far away

# Ooh... #

Oh! Well, um...

Well, I first met Joy when I was forced to arrest her father, Pop.

So, it was hardly the ideal circumstance, I'm sure you'll agree.

'OK, here's my question. When people say they're, "in love,"

'what do they mean? And how do you really know?'

Joy and I started to talk, and I suppose the old, um...

..Leonard charm kicked in there. Eh?

'How come the other person feels exactly the same thing,

'at the same time? How does this stuff work?'

And you know how you do, I suppose,

I just started seeing Sarge everywhere I went.

You pulled me over for having a defective brake light.

Then he called me into the station,

it was questioning for... It was armed robbery wasn't it?

Yep, armed rob.

And all the while, we were just... tumbling head over heels in love.

Absolutely and completely.

'So why am I asking these questions about love?

'Because I was on fire!

'Lockie Leonard was all fired up.

'I was holding a flaming Olympic torch for Vicki Streeton.

'We were hot as!

'Of course, this is how it should have been weeks ago.

'Until I stuffed it up.

'Whatever was wrong back then

'was feeling better than right, right now.

'I was back in the game.

'Vicki and I were on together, I guess that meant it was game on.

'Not only that, we were drawing a crowd

'and the weird thing was, the more the word got around,

'the more popular we became.'

'OK, so that's what I was, I was Vicki's new boyfriend.

'Well, that's something.

'Hey! It's everything!'

-What?

-I don't want to ask you this.

Oh, what is it?

We're mates, OK?

And because we're mates, people want me to ask about you and Vicki,

and...the ladder.

What ladder? I don't know what you're talking about.

Yes, you do! The ladder of love!

Step one - holding hands.

Step ten - getting arrested!

Which step are you guys on?

I don't know - who's counting?

Who would even care?

Look, the whole school's counting.

You're front page news.

Well, you don't have to be a part of it too.

Mate, I've had people coming up to me all week.

Look, I'm almost popular!

I don't know what step on the ladder we've got to.

-What's step two?

-I don't know. You're the one getting the action!

That doesn't make me an expert.

I'm just making it up as I go along.

Talk to somebody who knows.

Step one is holding hands.

Step two is a kiss on the lips.

Steps three through to ten are available to approved members only.

OK, so it was becoming clear that once you're a somebody,

your every move attracts attention.

This was gonna take some getting used to.

I didn't know if I was "in love" with Vicki or not.

I still didn't know what that meant yet. All I was thinking was,

"There's this awesome girl, and she likes me." Over and over.

Lockie! Lockie! Lockie! Lockie!

Lockie, I've been thinking.

It might be time I had a squiz at Mum's little green book.

I'm worried my relationship with Lisa is running on the spot.

You haven't got a relationship.

Relationships have to change, they just can't stay the same.

As soon as you start taking things for granted,

the romance dies, things get boring and then it's over.

That's why things have cooled off between Lisa and me.

It's like there's a ladder that we'd been climbing together.

I know, the ladder of love.

And we'd climbed so high, then Lisa paused to to admire the view...

-And John East hopped in?

-I still can't believe it's true.

-What's John East got that I haven't?

-A pay cheque. A car. A beard.

They're just decorations.

Lockie, if I had one piece of advice from my experience,

in your relationship, you can never, ever relax.

I'm bored.

And just on the off-chance, do you know if John East wets the bed?

'Suddenly, there was a lot to think about.

'But at least I knew Mum and Dad were thrilled for me.

'Mum especially.'

This is the beginning of the end, isn't it?

Our little family.

This is the first hint

that one day

there'll be someone in Lockie's life that he loves more than us.

He'll move out of home and visit us on Sundays.

Then he'll decide we all lead such busy lives,

a phone call's as good as a visit.

Only we won't be busy.

We'll still be sitting here.

Well, you'll be reading poetry,

and I'll have found something new to stress about.

Is that what it means, Sarge?

-Sarge?

-Yes?

Is that what it means?

Our work here is done.

Hey...

Hey.

Take it easy, don't go throwing yourself on the scrapheap just yet.

I wish I'd never given him

that little green book in the first place.

Maybe I should get it back.

-Maybe.

-Hmm, you know... Just to see what page he's up to.

Make sure he's not getting ahead of himself, stepwise.

Look, whatever we do,

wherever we go,

we draw a crowd.

So, how do we get some time on our own to advance our relationship?

To keep it fresh and interesting?

I don't know. Go on a date, I suppose.

'So here we were, finally on our own,

at a place suggested by Vicki.'

Hi.

You look pretty.

-Thank you.

-No problem, I'm a natural born suck!

So, this is interesting.

Trees!

And more trees! Hmm, and over there too!

There's something I want to show you, it's a bit of a trek though.

No, cool, let's do it.

Follow me.

Just here.

What's this?

The old fort, I used to play here as a kid, they built them in the war.

Come on!

Are you coming?

Is it safe?

'Was this step three on the ladder of love?

'Going to dark scary places alone with a girl

'and having no idea what you're meant to do next?

'I didn't know.

'But suddenly I felt like it would be good to have a crowd.'

You wouldn't find this in the city, would you?

You wouldn't need to.

City people always think they're better.

Hey, Vicki, here's an idea,

let's get out of here before we slip on something and break our necks.

Yep, fine. Whatever his lordship wants.

Hang on!

Vicki! Wait!

Vicki!

Vicki! Wait!

Don't run off! What's wrong?

Nothing.

'That's it. Game over. She's gonna drop me like a hot potato.'

I'm sorry.

This was my favourite place as a kid. All right?

I was gonna show you. I thought you might like it.

All right!

-It's just...

-It doesn't matter.

Maybe I should go.

Oh, that's just great! Now you're gonna dump me a second time?

I don't even know what I did the first time round!

-You dumped me!

-That's because you lost interest in me.

No, it wasn't! It's because I'm stupid.

Cos I'm so totally stupid. Just ask anyone in the whole world.

'OK, then. This is making sense.

'Yeah, totally expected this.'

Gee, Lock, you've gotta learn how to relax.

You just kissed me, like you really meant it.

Yeah, well maybe I do...really mean it.

Don't go thinking you're a real spunk.

You're still Lockie Leonard, who can't get out of his wetsuit

and has obviously kissed no-one but his mum before.

I can do better.

I promise.

I just need time

and practice.

Come on, let's get out of here. Did you want to come back to my place?

'OK, what do I feel like?

'I feel sensational...yet confused.

'I didn't realise you could be sliding down the ladder of love

'as well as climbing back up again both at the same time.'

'As opposed to Philip, who was in total freefall.'

Do it, Philip. You have to know the truth

however terrible that may be.

Philip! How are you?

Er...frantic, it's the Blue Light disco next week.

Major event. Months of planning.

Er...were you thinking of coming...possibly?

Philip, it was my idea! I'm running it.

-I'll be there all night, supervising.

-Of course you will, yes.

-I was just checking the numbers for the punch.

-You're making the punch?

Family tradition!

So, just so I can get the numbers down...for the punch.

Were you thinking of coming...alone?

-Yeah, yeah I'll be going to the disco alone.

-That's excellent!

That's...OK. Er... Just so it's totally clear,

were you thinking of leaving any spare boyfriends at home?

If you have one! Do you have one...in fact?

Um...no.

Well...

Not really, no.

That's excellent. I'll make a note of that.

No new boyfriends on the horizon.

Where are your oldies?

-At the yacht club.

-So they're not here?

-Just us?

-Dad's showing off his new boat.

-It's pretty gross, hey?

-I wouldn't say no to a new yacht.

What's gross is the kind of people they are. All money and no taste.

'That was a bit heavy! I don't think there's been a day in my life

'where I hadn't thought Sarge and Mum were ace.'

What are you thinking, Mr Tick Tick Tick?

Are your mum and dad happy?

With each other? No. They fight like politicians.

It's only the money that's keeping them together.

'I was hearing all this stuff from Vicki's head

'that no-one else had ever heard before.'

Sorry, don't get mad at me.

-I don't think I was going to.

-Oh, that's OK then.

'In fact, the more Vicki let on, the more I wanted to take care of her.'

Mum always said that having us kids made her and Sarge really happy.

-I bet.

-You have any brothers or sisters?

A brother, but he's much older. That's him there.

Come on.

Sometimes you don't sound like

-you're the happiest person in the world.

-No, but I'm the nicest.

Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick.

What am I thinking?

Oh, you know.

Global warming...

..how much I'd like to kiss you.

Are we serious?

We're popular. Why does everyone in the world

-want to know what step we're up to?

-Oh, I don't know.

Lockie, do you like me, even though I'm stuffed up and totally crazed?

No, it makes it even better.

-You'll watch me in class for weeks, won't you?

-I'm always watching you.

I mean, in a good way.

Vicki looked gorgeous,

and I think she was asking me if I was in love with her,

which was a tough question to answer because I had no idea what it meant.

So what do you reckon the rest of the world thinks we've been up to?

Oh...

You know...

I reckon everybody thinks we're up to step three.

Do you know what step four is?

Why? So you can run back and tell all your friends?

DISTANT VOICES

My mum and dad!

-Well, I need to take it, I'm sorry!

-You don't need it!

You two behaving yourselves?

Er, this is Lockie.

I know you - Dad's a cop. Clapped out Volvo.

Hurry up, people are waiting for us at the club.

Yeah, yeah, I just need to get my PalmPilot.

Here it is!

You see this, Larry? Two gigabytes of memory,

-500 bucks - I get it for four.

-Well done, you, can we get going?

Oh, and Lenny?

Tell your dad I'm an honest man, will you do that for me?

Barry, we're leaving now. Thank you.

I need a kiss!

I need an ambulance.

The important thing about being in love, certainly with Barry and me,

well, you have to keep an eye on the big picture.

You have to ask the hard questions.

What's the story?

What is it that really keeps us together?

-Is it the kids?

-Is it the business?

Is it the house? The property ladder?

What's the cement here?

-Because everything else...

-Love, your children...

They all come and go, but bricks and mortar, that lasts forever.

That's money in the bank.

'Our first date had been amazing.

'But at the same time I felt as though

'I'd just been through boot camp with Vicki's stuffed up family.'

Lockie, you all right? You look a bit feverish.

I'm fine, Mum.

You know I have always trusted you.

That's why I know you would never do anything or take any steps...

Mum! Please!

Everything's OK.

You're better than all the other mums in the world.

Sit down.

Now, Sarge and I have been talking,

and given your special friendship with Vicki, we think

it would be lovely if she could bring her parents around for tea.

-I guess they call you Sarge, mostly.

-Yeah, Sarge.

-Sarge and Mum, clearly.

-Yeah, Mum, too.

-But you're Sarge.

I'm mainly Sarge, yeah, Sarge. Um...

"Hey, you," occasionally, that comes into it.

-"Hey, you." Mmmm.

-Yeah.

What about you?

Oh, well...

We've always been very comfortable with Christian names,

we encourage Vicki to call us Barry and Sally.

That way we're all on the same page!

I hate them wanting me to call them by their first names.

It's as if they never actually wanted to become parents.

'I'm thinking there's this awesome girl

'and she really needs me.'

'The ladder of love?

'I reckon there's two of them actually.

'One's about how far you can get, kissing a girl and stuff.

'But the other one's about falling in love.'

'So I didn't go back to that smelly fort

'because I wanted to kiss Vicki especially.

'I went back because I figured out

'this was something that Vicki really needed.

'This must have been Vicki's safe place.'

You spend your whole life

thinking how great it would be to have a girlfriend.

But...you never think what you're gonna do once you get one.

'You never think there's a real person there

'who you should try and get to know, try and make them happy.'

Lockie...

I love you.

'I still didn't know what love meant.

'But whatever I was feeling felt right.

'Better than anything I'd ever felt before.

'And that was something!'

BOTH: # A boo boo boo-boo

# A boo boo boo-boo

# A boo boo boo boo-boo... #

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