Swamp Rat Lockie Leonard

# Worlds away from anyone

# They were burning themselves out in the sun

# Worlds away from anyone

# They were burning themselves out in the sun

# There was just enough to kick that ball away-ay

# Oooh

# Ooh-ooh ooh-ooh

# Ooh-ooh ooh-ooh... #

'OK, so here I am,

'being dragged towards almost certain serious injury.

'I'm a surfer. Yeah.

'Lockie Leonard is a grown-up.

'And I like being a grown-up. So why pretend to be anything else?

'Why does anyone pretend? For heaps of different reasons.

'Like to get what we want.'

Interesting piece, this one.

It definitely speaks to me.

- Yes... Metal. - OK, what do you want?

'Rev wanted Mrs Egg to wear a dress.

'Weird, I know. But he had his reasons.'

THEY ARGUE HEATEDLY

'Other people pretend

'so everyone will think their lives are perfect.'

Car!

'Like in a TV commercial.

'When they're not.'

THEY START ARGUING AGAIN

'Phillip was pretending to be the happiest boy in the world.

'Actually - erase that. He seemed happier than that boy.

'But on the inside, his heart was in a billion pieces.

'And not even his proven mood lifter - jelly babies -

'could stick it back together again.

'Not that he was about to let anyone know that.

'But I knew.

'Update. I'm being towed behind a very powerful boat,

'moving very, very quickly.

'And the best bit? I'd never skied before.

'So why did I pretend I could?'

Water-skiing? Great, I love skiing.

-Really?

-'Vicki had just invited me

'to the Streeton Annual Angelus Business Owners' Family Skiing Day.'

Ye-eah. It's just like surfing.

Only there's two boards instead of one. And no waves.

And it's on the back of a boat.

With a really powerful motor. Going very, very quickly.

'OK. Maybe I hadn't thought it through.

'But...how hard could it be?'

My parents take it really seriously. This is your chance to win them over.

-Not a problem.

-Great!

'OK. So there was some pressure.

'If I didn't impress Vicki's parents,

'it could make things tricky.'

Don't worry. I'll blow them away.

OK. Well, we'll pick you up at seven.

And don't be late. Dad hates it when people are late.

Tomorrow? Don't you have a prior engagement? An RSVP note, ASAP.

You know how much I love going to church.

But water-skiing with Vicki and her family is important.

-Lockie - you don't know how to water-ski.

-I can surf.

It's not that different.

Phillip, you better not have eaten the whole bag!

I wouldn't eat the whole bag. That would include eating the green ones.

What kind of a person do you take me for?

A person who will be flossing tonight.

What's wrong with the green ones? Heaps of people like them.

Only old people. And...rats.

Hungry, desperate rats.

Now, look. I meant what I said. Don't spoil your dinner.

Either of you.

What erm...culinary delight awaits us tonight?

Salmon mornay?

It was meant to be pork chops, but it's kind of turned into a soup.

With erm...with turnips!

PHILLIP: Sure. Lisa and I were a perfect match.

We loved exactly the same things.

Science, barbecues - all the important things.

'Phillip needed something to take his mind off Lisa.

So I suggested he invent a new flavour for green jelly babies.'

I was right. Green jelly babies DO have an evil secret ingredient.

Probably turnips.

If I can extract that, I could be on to something.

'Mission accomplished. I could go to sleep knowing my work was done.'

'Night, Phillip.

It's not even dark yet. And why are you sleeping in your wet suit?

'I had my reason for the wet suit.'

And don't be late.

Night, Phillip.

Maybe this experiment is just out of my reach.

Phillip - remember how long it took you to perfect the Moon Rover 6?

You can't give up yet.

Hear! Hear! You never give up.

Floss.

Let me riddle you this.

Boys, did Yeats ever doubt that he'd capture the human condition

in one perfect stanza?

Did Einstein ever doubt that he could solve

the mysteries of the universe?

'So in conclusion...'

..doubt is the individual's public enemy number one.

The message -

keep at it, son.

Thanks, Sarge. I feel so much better.

'And the award for the most convincing performance'

by a dumped ex-boyfriend who wasn't really a boyfriend anyway goes to...

Phillip Leonard!

Er...I'd like to thank my imagination,

for thinking I had a chance with Lisa in the first place.

Special mention to John East. Thanks for ruining my life.

'Meanwhile, Rev was desperate for his Sunday sermon to be a winner.

'Some assessors from the church

'were giving him a sort of report card.

'Rev's subjects included presentation, public speaking,

'and family.

'Egg was worried. If Rev got bad marks for any subject,

'he could get expelled.'

I'm not wearing a dress. I don't even have one.

If you don't help, Dad will lose his job.

Don't worry. If your mother decides not to wear a dress,

I'm sure she'll charm the assessors regardless.

SHE BURPS LOUDLY

But failing that,

my opening gag is an absolute corker. Get this!

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT A polar bear

and an apostle walk into a bar.

- No, wait... - We're gonna need help, Mum.

Fine.

You find me a dress. Nothing floral. I refuse to look like a quilt cover.

'It's 5:31am.

'Only an hour and a half to sneak out the front door,

'walk down the street, and wait for the Streetons.

'It could be tight.

'May need supplies.

'Come on, Lockie. Time to focus! Be impressive.

'If I keep my embarrassing moments to three, max...

'I might just be OK.'

ARGUING VOICES IN CAR

Sorry we're late. Mum and Dad have been arguing. Been waiting long?

What's with the wet suit? There's changerooms there.

How many times have I said not to make that muck?

It's a Lebanese salad, Barry.

'Vicki's parents had been fighting all morning.

'And they weren't about to stop for my sake.'

Who likes parsley? I'll tell you who. No-one!

'Meanwhile, Vicki and I had hardly said a word to one another.

'We didn't need to. We totally got each other.

'It was like we existed in our own world,

'and nothing could take us out of it. Almost nothing.'

- Oh, you mongrel... - Barry!

The cops.

- What? - Right behind, they got me.

SIREN WAILS

MRS STREETON: Oh, perfect!

'Dear God. Please, don't let it be Sarge. Anyone but Sarge.

'Amen.'

Morning all.

-Sarge.

-Lovely day for it.

-Mmm.

Hello, Lockie.

Having fun?

'I figured this was God punishing me for skipping church.'

There we go.

"While speed may be admired

"In sports such as cricket,

"This is an 80 zone, so here be your ticket."

'And the award for best performance'

by a father in an embarrassing role goes to...

..Sarge!

It's hard to find the words to describe how...

..unworthy I feel.

Thankfully,

Yeats has found them for me.

-Against Unworthy Praise...

-SNORING

LOCKIE SNORES Hey! Wake up.

We're here.

'I fell asleep. No...!

'Already!

'Quick. Saliva check! Saliva check!'

Barry, will you hurry up and help us!

'Good news. Vicki's parents had stopped fighting over the salad.

'Bad news. Thanks to Sarge, they had something new to fight about.'

You and that rabbit food...

SWEETLY: Don't forget the salad, darling.

-'Another flawless performance.'

-Betty, how you going?

MOTORBOAT ENGINE PURRS

-You're doing well. They like you.

-Where do you get that idea from?

My parents only fight in front of people they like.

-Can't wait for you to meet my friends.

-Haven't I met them?

Not the ones at boarding school.

GIRL SHRIEKS Vicki!

'Vicki's friends were the type of kids

'I used to see in the city on weekends.

'They played sports like croquet and lacrosse,

'and ate at classy restaurants. On school nights.

'Heidi was definitely one of those kids.'

Lockie goes to Angelus High. With us.

Yes, we all know why you go there.

Your dad's only a baker. ALL LAUGH

'Whoa. Harsh!

'Still - she's Vicki's friend. Smile...'

Vicki's dad's the mayor. She has to go.

What's your excuse?

Lockie's a major surfer. The waves are much better in Angelus,

so it makes sense to go to school here.

'Go Vicki!'

Wow. Surfing - so how good are you?

-Well...

-He's brilliant. He's had interest from America.

Sponsorship. Video deals. The whole lot.

So, do you live up on the hill?

-Oh, no, I live more towards the bottom.

-Near the swamp?

You can't be serious. You're dating a swamp rat?

Yeah, but...he won't be a swamp rat for much longer.

Soon as that US deal comes through, we'll be living in Hawaii.

And you can come visit.

'Maybe what Vicki said wasn't completely true.

'But if it helped make a good impression, did it matter?

'Meanwhile - Phillip hoped his new green jelly baby flavours

'would make a good impression on Egg.'

HE GAGS

My previous 17 attempts have been patchy.

You've got to stop that before you poison somebody.

And find a new hobby.

Helping me, for an example.

- Doing what? - Stuff I can't do.

Look - you're a smart guy.

- You think outside the box. - True.

I only have two hours here. And there's no-one else.

I need you, Phillip!

CHEERING FROM SPECTATORS

MR STREETON: Nice turn, kitten!

She's good.

She's my daughter.

You can tell a lot about somebody the way they ski, you know.

Whether they're up to standard.

Or not.

'OK. The pressure's officially on.

'If I don't make a good impression here, I'm gone.

'So maybe it's time to rethink the whole skiing thing.

'Note to self. Steer clear of situations that could create

'Embarrassing Moment Number 4.

'Keep a low profile. Avoid crowds.

'And ANYTHING to do with skiing.'

Aaaagh!

Hello.

No, Lockie, wait. We're dying to see you on the water.

Being a professional sportsman.

You have been skiing before, right?

Yeah - I'm all right.

We go all the time. Dad loves his boat.

What kind does your dad have?

A small one.

80-footer. Tiny.

Yeah, tiny. Just like the Titanic.

GIRLS LAUGH So, what does your dad do?

'I could pretend about some things.

'Being able to ski, or houses in Hawaii.

'But there are some things I could never lie about.'

Well, he's a sarge.

A policeman.

Oh, like...writing parking tickets? Saving kittens from trees?

Really important job.

There's so no boat.

And I guess there's no interest from America. Do you lie all the time,

or only on special occasions?

Whatever. I'm going to the toilet,

to get some fresh air.

Come on.

'The worst thing about pretending - people can find you out.

'And then there's no pretending WHAT you are.

'A big, fat liar.'

OK. First we have to make Rev look like a proper Rev.

He's got to lose the jacket. The earring, too.

I can't ask Dad that. Those things are emotional.

We don't have time for feelings!

Ssh.

- You wanted my help. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've adjusted his sermon.

Say it would mean a lot to you if he would read it out.

Blink a lot when you ask. Like you're about to cry.

Parents hate it when their kids cry. And be quick -

after we've finished with the Rev, we're fixing you.

Where have you been?

You OK?

'It was time to stop pretending, and start being honest.'

I thought today was supposed to be about me impressing your parents.

-Not Heidi and her clones.

-They're my friends.

I didn't think you were someone who would make stuff to impress people.

"He's got interest from America." What was that about?

Are you ashamed of me?

No-one's good enough for Heidi.

So you've never stretched the truth to try and impress somebody?

No!

Hey, everyone.

It's Lockie's turn to ski next.

He can't wait to get behind that boat.

Good luck, swamp rat. GIRLS GIGGLE

MOTORBOAT ENGINE HUMS

What have you done to your face?!

Cleaned myself up. Just like you said.

Moisturiser. Dad bought it before I was born. Never been touched.

HE SNIFFS

Can moisturiser go off?

I feel naked without my earring.

Dad...can you please not wear it, just this once?

- For me? - All right, just don't cry again.

- Where's Mum? - She's still getting ready.

No-one's allowed to speak,

or I am going home and not coming out all day.

I have to say - you two look...fabulous.

Looks like we're both wearing dresses.

DOOR OPENS The assessors.

They're an hour early.

HE GULPS

'So here I am, again,

'being dragged towards serious injury.'

Wow. Your swamp rat really is great(!)

- He's just had a bumpy start. - Yeah, he'll be fine.

After he gets out of intensive care! GIRLS LAUGH

'Despite everything, Vicki DID have faith in me after all.'

Is it just me, or does something REALLY stink?

Go, Lockie Leonard!

Human torpedo!

'Vicki was right. I'm Lockie Leonard. Human torpedo.

'I could do this.

'It was amazing. Like flying. Like walking on water.

'It was like...well, a lot like surfing, really.

'This had to be impressing Vicki's parents.

'My embarrassing moments were a distant memory. I was back!'

He is good!

He's my boyfriend.

What the blazes does he think he's doing?

I think he's asking the driver to speed up.

'This bit's a little hard to watch. Here's some calming music.'

GENTLE CLASSICAL MUSIC

-RECORD SCRATCHES

-'This moment counts as...

'4 through to 57.

'Maybe even 58.'

Aaaaaagh!

CRASH

'On the way home, Vicki and I didn't say a word to each other.

'Only this time... it wasn't a good thing.'

Jelly baby, anyone?

Maybe you could just drop me off at the police station?

Yup...

OK, just stay calm. I'm on my way.

We got a moggy caught up a wattle.

Lisa, can you drive Lockie to church,

and erm...feel free to stay and listen to the good word.

Well...

Yeah, sure. Thanks, Sarge.

Ooh, are they jelly babies?

Green. You like green ones?

Yeah. They're my favourite.

Why is there parsley in your hair?

Hello, nice to see you all.

Beautiful weather we're... experiencing lately.

'I wouldn't usually be this happy going to church,

'especially in my wet suit.

'But after the day I'd had,

'I was looking forward to being with people who weren't pretending.

'Or so I thought.

'It was like I had stepped into a parallel universe.

'Everyone LOOKED familiar - but at the same time, totally different.'

-Let me...riddle you this.

-'Things even SOUNDED familiar.'

Did Yeats ever doubt he'd capture

the human condition in one perfect stanza?

Did Einstein

ever doubt that he could solve the mysteries of the universe?

And so, in conclusion...

..doubt is the individual's public enemy number one.

'Suddenly, Rev realised that some things are more important

'than a good report card.'

No-one's allowed to speak.

SHE BURPS LOUDLY

So what this all means, friends -

if you have self-belief

and respect for others,

why pretend to be anything but who you are?

A new dress, or moisturiser, won't make you a better person.

After all, only when you are at peace with yourself

can you be at peace... with the world.

'The assessors gave Rev top marks.

They only had one suggestion - throw in more jokes.'

Why did you bring her here?

Lisa brought ME.

Well...get her to take you back right now.

Phillip. How you going?

Mmm, yes. Good.

'Face to face with Lisa,

'it was impossible for Phillip to pretend any more.

'His heart broke into a billion pieces, all over again.

'And I knew what I had to do.'

Lisa - another jelly baby?

What was your favourite colour again?

I told you before, it's green. Is there any other colour?

'Things had turned weird between Vicki and me.

'And I was determined to fix it.'

'You've reached the Streeton residence. Please leave a message.'

BEEP

Um...hi, Vicki.

It's Lockie.

I just wanted to say...

'Thing was, I didn't know what to say.

'And I didn't want to pretend that I did.'

I'll see you at school tomorrow.

'Sometimes, you have to pretend.

'Like when you're being polite.'

So? How does everybody like the soup?

I added a little cinnamon and beetroot.

-It's great!

-Delicious.

-Delicious.

'Or when you need to make yourself feel better.'

I still can't believe Lisa likes green jelly babies.

What did I ever see in her?

'But the times when you don't have to pretend at all -

'when you can be exactly who you are -

'those are the best times.'

# Boy

# Is breaking

# Underneath the weight of strain

# Ah-ha-ha

# Ah-ha-ha

# Worlds away from anyone

# They were burning themselves out in the sun

# There was just enough to kick that ball away-ay #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Limited

E-mail [email protected]