Barry Goes Pop Lockie Leonard

# Worlds away from anyone

# They were burning themselves out in the sun

# Worlds away from anyone

# They were burning themselves out in the sun

# There was just enough to get them far away

# Ooh...

# Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

# Ooh, ooh

# Ooh, ooh

# Ooh, ooh, ooh. #

Boys and girls, you...

are the future of this wonderful town.

'Mr Streeton was on the campaign trail

'to be re-elected as mayor.

'He was using back-door tactics,

'dropping into our classrooms as guest speaker.

'Trying to get us kids to tell our parents to vote for him.'

I'm not here to blow my own trumpet.

I'm not here today to talk about my significant achievements,

such as the new kiddies' playground,

or...

'Yup, right now,

'there was enough hot air coming out of his mouth

'to fill 100 hot-air balloons.

'And it wasn't the only hot air rising around Angelus.'

PPPFFFT!

CHILDREN GIGGLE

Pop.

Sorry.

'My stomach was filled with 100 snakes,

'all wriggling and hissing away. And with every hiss...'

PPPFFT!

-CHILDREN LAUGH

-Pop.

CHILDREN LAUGH

Quit farting, baked-bean bum.

'There was a good reason for the farts.

'Our grandparents were back to lend a hand while mum was in hospital.

'Nan had been watching cooking shows on the telly.

'She was learning about fusion.

'Fusion is when you mix two or more cooking styles for a new effect.

'This was the effect it had on us.'

PPPFFT!

-Pop.

-CHILDREN SHRIEK

'We called them Pops. It was Sarge's idea.'

PPPFFFT!

Pop.

'He thought if you fart in public,

you should at least claim ownership.'

I vow to keep our streets clean,

-and our children safe.

-Sure, Barry.

Pull the other one. You're interested in the big end of town,

and their dodgy development deals.

He's wrong, you know.

The only thing I am interested in is your future.

Did I tell ya? Mum's coming home.

Really? When?

Soon, I reckon. And for good.

-What did she say, exactly?

-She kept talking about how

she missed the quiet of Angelus.

And you took that to mean...?

She meant the Rev.

'Poor Egg.

'He really had his hopes pinned on his mum coming back.

'And I wasn't sure she was.

'Sounded like more hot air to me.'

I vow to create three more public holidays,

in September alone.

I vow to eradicate algebra

from the syllabus!

Why don't you try coming home early?

And lollipops...

for all!

'There were worse things than a bum filled with fart gas.

'A father who was obsessed with getting re-elected.'

This seat taken?

Only if you sit downwind.

Didn't you want a free lollipop?

I'll make you a deal.

I won't hassle you about your farty bot,

if you don't hassle me about my old man.

Was I going to hassle?

-You think he's a prize goose!

-You're a mind-reader now.

You don't like him being mayor, do you?

Something weird happened when he got those robes.

He changed,

from this warm, nice guy, into this...ego-nutcase.

Well, get rid of the robes. Make sure he doesn't win the election.

There aren't even any other candidates standing.

They're not game enough.

There must be someone.

Someone with guts.

Energy.

Drive.

John East?

Run for mayor?

Might need some convincing, but...

I'm sure you'll find a way.

-Vicki.

-Sir.

-School project?

-Dad wants me to measure the beach.

-Why?

-He didn't say.

He wanted you to measure it for no reason?

Not the whole beach.

Just the stretch with the best view.

This wouldn't have anything to do with a new development plan?

He doesn't talk about business deals.

He saves that for his builder mates.

'And that's how Vicki convinced John East to run for mayor.

'And all because she wanted her dad home for dinner.'

Right, you're talking through your hat.

Jack Nicklaus is the greatest golfer that ever lived.

'In the whole time we were visiting mum,

'Pop didn't say one word to her.

'Didn't even look her in the eye.

'Instead, he and Nan wasted a lot of hot air on golf.

'As much as I wanted to stay with mum,

'having Nan and Pop in the same room wasn't healthy for her.'

We might go.

-That time already?

-I better get the dinner on.

-Bye, Joy.

-Bye.

Family hug.

Oh. Thanks, kids, for being so strong.

This must be really hard for you.

Don't worry about us, Mum.

You just get better.

Come on, Blob.

Ah.

Philip.

Seatbelt, Pop.

Indicator, Pop.

Right, then.

Oh!

Are you all all right?

-He can't be allowed to drive!

-Look,

-I'm sure it was a lapse of concentration.

-He's full of lapses!

-PPPFFFT!

-Pop.

They're your grandparents. I know they're getting old -

they're doing their best. They help with Blob.

Tiger scored an albatross, two eagles, and three birdies.

He's a genius, that Tiger Woods.

Honestly, Lockie, when are you going to take up golf?

Pop, off-target.

'Pop couldn't hear me. Didn't help he was deaf in one ear...

'the sports update through the other.'

I said, Blob likes the food in her mouth!

That puts him 16 going into the final round.

Here, why don't I take over?

Thank you, Philip.

-LOCKIE SIGHS

-It's Lockie.

'The reality was,

'our grandparents were older than old.

'It was a little sad, to tell the truth.

'And a little terrifying.'

HE SHRIEKS

Oh!

Sorry, just wanted to wash my hands,

-I'll come back later.

-Philip.

Please, not a word to anyone about this.

Especially you grandfather.

Promise?

'The shock of being found out caused an unusual reaction in Nan.'

SHE HICCUPS

Guess what? Nan's bald!

What? Completely bald? Not one hair?

Don't tell anyone.

What? Completely bald?

Not one hair?

SHE HICCUPS

-ALL SIGH

-'Nan's hiccups lasted all day,

'no matter how many different ways we tried to get rid of them.'

SHE HICCUPS

ALL: Rrrarrrgh!

SHE HICCUPS

'With Egg and Dot's help,

'John East's campaign for mayor was in full swing.'

Wanna hit my place on the weekend? Listen to some music?

-Maybe.

-You've got something better to do, haven't you?

It's best I hang at home, for when my mum arrives.

-Wait with me if you want.

-What time's her bus?

I don't know.

-She did say she was coming this weekend?

-Not in so many words.

Vote for Barry Streeton! Vote early, vote often.

What the...?

Hold this, kitten.

Uh-oh, here's trouble.

What the blazes do you think you're doing?

Mr Streeton. Lovely day.

You're not allowed to put up posters,

it's against regulation 346.5.

-You put up posters all around town, Mr Streeton.

-That's different.

I'm the mayor.

-For the moment.

-I demand you take that poster down immediately,

-young man!

-Leave it, Egg.

-We have every right. This is still a democratic municipality.

-Yes.

And I rule over it.

-You're scared I'm running for election.

-Ha! Rubbish.

Debate me at the church hall on Friday, then.

Prove you're not all hot air.

OK. You're on.

Don't worry, kitten. They're rank amateurs.

They haven't got a hope.

HE CHUCKLES

-Vicki?

-Is your Nan here? Hi.

-I'm Vicki Streeton.

-Oh. Hello.

-I've heard wonderful things about your cooking.

-You have?

And you see, I love to cook.

I was just wondering whether you wouldn't mind

-sharing some of your secrets of success.

-Why, certainly!

-But I'll have to go and consult my recipe book.

-Umm...

-I was particularly interested in the nori fusion rolls.

-Oh!

Are you crazy?

What do you think's making me break wind every five minutes?

You're mad.

'At the time, I thought Vicki had lost the plot,

'but, as usual, she was several steps ahead of the pack.'

Ready?

I can be green too, you know. I'm green as the next bloke.

I just don't like to bang on about it.

You take those condos I had built,

-at Lake Woebegon.

-I didn't think you owned them?

Well, er... Well, that depends who's asking.

But that's beside the point, Vicki. What colour are they?

Hmm? I'll tell you - green. Green as a blooming apple!

I insist the builder paint them green

to blend in with the blasted trees!

And that hippy school councillor thinks he's the only one

who cares about the environment!

I'm worried though, Dad.

-John East is younger than you.

-Less experienced.

Some people...

Some people might say more energetic.

People are saying that?

HE SIGHS

Well, I'd like to know what is so good

-about being young and energetic, anyway?

-Voters respond to that.

HE SIGHS

You're right, kitten. Policy counts for nothing these days.

It's all about appearance.

I might have just the thing.

Macrobiotic nori rolls. I got the recipe from a health guru.

No more meat pies, no more roast dinners with mashed potato.

If you want to be fit, healthy, and win elections,

you're going to have to change your diet.

Tastes like chook feed wrapped in seaweed.

The taste of victory.

HE CHUCKLES

In order to charge someone, you need evidence of wrongdoing, right?

-Right.

-In order to make the charges stick, you need solid evidence.

Right.

Exhibit A.

Dirty golf socks in the sink.

Exhibit B. Golf balls in the egg compartment.

-Where are the eggs?

-Follow me.

Right.

Exhibit C. HE LAUGHS

Not funny, Sarge.

They're supposed to be looking after your beloved children.

We don't want them locked up, we want them to go,

so we can have our lives back.

-I know they're getting forgetful...

-What?

-But...

they love you, they're your grandparents.

I reckon those two still might surprise you.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

'In the end, it was Sarge who got the surprise.'

It's all right, everybody. No need to panic.

Just a tiny scratch on the bumper bar.

'Pop had driven in the wrong direction once too often.'

Nothing a little polish and some elbow grease won't fix.

'Sarge didn't care about the scratch on the car...

'the statue of Mum, on the other hand...'

You flattened Joy!

'Sarge had no choice but to cut up Pop's driver's licence.

'It was like cutting up Pop's heart.

'And by dinner, the mood hadn't lifted.

'If anything, Nan and Pop looked even older than before.'

We've booked the bus for the day after tomorrow.

I'm sorry, but I'm afraid we're too old for this sort of thing.

'I started to feel really bad.

'I wanted to do something to cheer them up.

'But what could I do?

'I couldn't give Nan her hair back.

'Or Pop his licence back.

'Sometimes life can be really unfair.'

SHE HICCUPS

'On the day of the great debate,

'the hall was filled with curious voters.'

Are you all right, dear? You look a bit puffy.

People of Angelus...

'OK, you don't want to hear this next bit.

'It's just another political speech. A nice one.

'All about protecting the environment,

'but a bit dull, at the same time.

'So I thought we'd watch

'some of my classiest surfing moments from this summer.

'OK. Not that one.

'This one was better.

'OK. Not that one either.

'But this one's great.

'OK. We're having trouble locating my greatest moments.

'We'll have to get back to you at a later point.'

Because the only thing we should be allowed to build on a beach...

is a sandcastle.

Thank you.

You're up, dear.

I need to go to the bathroom.

-You can't. You're on.

-You'll just have to hold on.

Good luck, Daddy.

'In an attempt to appear young, hip, groovy and green...

'Mr Streeton had eaten precisely 96 of Vicki's special nori rolls.'

HE EXHALES

STOMACH GURGLES

'Strangely, Vicki's dad hadn't felt the full effects.

'Until now.'

Fellow Angelusians.

STOMACH GURGLES

Why's he stopping?

I don't know.

Come on!

HE CHUCKLES

Sorry, where was I?

-CROWD MUTTERS

-Ah, yes.

I think that the most important issue...

-STOMACH GURGLES

-..facing this town at the moment

is...

'And then it began.

'Quietly at first. Like a squeak of a mouse.'

SQUEAKING

'A very squeaky mouse.

'Playing the bugle. Not so loud either. Not at first.

'Like the mouse was scared of waking the cat.

'And Mr Streeton tried to pretend that nothing was happening.'

I would like to say that the most important issue

facing our town at the moment is the wonderful natural environment...

PPPFFFT!

'It was no longer like a mouse. More like a lion,

'playing the bassoon.'

PPPFFFT!

'He was playing it loud and mean.

'On it went.

'With such power that it tore a hole

'in the backside of Mr Streeton's pants.'

LAUGHTER

'The aftershock tore through Angelus like a cyclone.'

PPPFFT!

'And the sound echoed and bounced all over town.

'And into our house.

'And that's when a truly amazing thing happened...'

Pop!

'Blob said her very first word.'

You hear that?

The baby spoke. Did you hear that, Nan? She spoke!

She said my name.

She said, "Pop."

You heard her, boys.

She said, "Pop."

Didn't you, sweetheart?

Well...er...

'I saw a chance to make things right.'

I did.

I heard her.

Blob said Pop.

See? See?

Say it again, sweetheart,

come on, I know you can do it. Say...

Pop!

'And although a lot of people might think it gross,

'I did what I thought was right.'

PPPPFFFT!

Pop!

See? See?

'Pop had suddenly got a spring in his step.'

You clever baby. We must go and see your mother,

tell her what you've done.

Steady on, Pop. Have you forgotten?

-We can't...

-SHE HICCUPS

-We can't drive, remember?

-We'll catch a cab!

'Mr Streeton lost the election, due to his gigantic pop.

'People were disgusted.'

Dad, they need their mayoral robes back.

No! I'm keeping them!

Fine.

But will you at least come in?

Mum's cooking a roast dinner.

With mashed potato?

And peas.

'And Vicki Streeton got what she wanted -

'a father home for dinner by a reasonable hour.

'And Egg got what he wanted.'

KNOCK AT DOOR

Mum!

BOTH LAUGH

Oh, Geoffrey.

Joy, listen. Go on, Blob.

PPPFFFT!

Pop!

And again!

PPPFFFT!

Pop!

LAUGHTER

'Mum was in on the gag. But it didn't matter.

'Blob had spoken - that's what counted.

'Mum was thrilled to bits. Everyone was.

'And then, in all the excitement, Nan decided to come clean.'

Everybody.

Everybody.

I have an announcement to make. Well...

really, it's more of a show...

and tell.

LAUGHTER

-I knew, you know.

-Oh!

'And with her secret out, Nan never hiccupped again.

'The Sarge was right, leave aside all the hot air.

'Even ancient and crinkly, old, forgetful people

'are capable of surprising you.'

# Boy

# It's breaking

# Underneath the weight of strain

# Hey, hey, hey

# Hey, hey, hey

# Worlds away from anyone... #

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