The Big Questions Lockie Leonard

# Worlds away from anyone

# They were burning themselves out in the sun

# Worlds away from anyone

# They were burning themselves out in the sun

# There was just enough to get that far away

# Ooh... #

OK...so what we're talking about...

This isn't just any old question, hey?

This is the biggest question you're going to face in your whole life.

As in, who are we?

And what's to become of us all?

When we leave school, that is.

This way, everybody.

That's right. Say hello to your future.

When I give you the word of command,

you will QUIETLY open your booklet,

where you'll find...

a personality test.

Did I say personality test? Oh, dear, Leonard. Do what you can.

'I didn't need some personality test to tell me what I was going to do.'

ANNOUNCER: World surf champion of the East Bay...

You will turn to the back of the booklet,

where you will find a brief description

of the career best suited to your score.

No surprises here, Lock.

Groundbreaking research scientist came in at number one.

-Uh-huh?

-And, as a last resort,

a wide-ranging consultant to the NASA space programme.

What about you, Lock?

'There was a time when Egg and me were best mates.

'I'd been hoping the results of the test might be an opener for a chat.'

Well? What's the suggestion?

-Saying something in...

-HE COUGHS

-..doggy care.

Don't stress, Lockie. The tests are just a guide.

What really matters is getting out in the workforce

and making an impact.

Don't slouch, Egg. It makes you look unmotivated.

Hey.

-What's up?

-Who's askin'?

Gosh! I can't believe you two haven't already met.

-Lockie, this is Curtis. Curtis, this is...

-Phillip, shut up.

That's funny. "Squeak, squeak!" Curtis can hear a squeak, but...

Curtis doesn't see any teeny-weeny little mouse.

HE CHUCKLES Ahh...

I don't know, Lock,

but I think Egg might have just got himself a new best friend.

'And it wasn't only Phillip and me who were thinking about the future.

'New horizons were opening up for Blob as well.'

OK, then.

Everybody listening?

Deep breath, Joy.

Now, my suggestion is...

-perhaps the time has come when...

-BLOB GURGLES

This concerns you, Blob.

We might start thinking about...

..DC.

-Drinking cocoa?

-Dribbling custard?

-Dropping clangers?

No!

I'm talking about...

..day care.

I mean, if it were up to me,

I'd keep all of you home until they took Sarge and I to the nursing home

but my parenting books all say it's a jolly good idea

if Blob starts to learn to socialise with other...

young people.

HE WAILS

-(Let it go.)

-Just a couple of hours a week.

And of course the extra time frees me up for all my outside interests.

-ALL: What outside interests?

-I don't know, I'll think of something!

-SARGE CLEARS THROAT

-Right, well, er...

whatever you think's the fair thing, Joy. Right, boys?

-Of course!

-JOY LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Who knows? Blob might love it.

-HE YELPS

-I mean, who wouldn't...

enjoy an afternoon a week of day care?

Goodness me, what I wouldn't give for

a day-care facility for all of us mums!

-It's my bear!

-No, I want it!

TEDDY SQUEAKS

SHE WAILS

'And with two hours of free time every Thursday afternoon

'Mum was finally able to explore her outside interests.'

Let's put the radio on, shall we, Blob?

That'll cheer things up a bit.

RADIO WHINES

DISTORTION CONTINUES

That's right.

We don't have a radio station in Angelus.

'I wasn't the only one worried about my future prospects.

'Across town, Rev was also grappling with the bigger questions.

'Apart from wondering if Egg had eaten his lunch,

'Rev was having second thoughts about his life's purpose

'and Egg's careers booklet wasn't about to provide any comfort.'

And what might this be?

No, no, no, don't... don't look at that.

That's just some...dumb careers guide thingy. Bit of a joke, really.

Well, any suggestions, career-wise?

Erm...well...

they think maybe I...I wouldn't go too bad if I wanted to become...

a minister.

Like you.

Like me?

CROWD CHEERS

See, they've listed the qualities you need to be a top reverend.

-They have?

-Engaging, effective, inspirational,

-a self-possessed leader of men.

-Mmm.

Well, you learn something every day.

They're talking about you, Dad.

Well, yes, of course they are.

THEY LAUGH

Hello, Angelus!

Good to see you! HE CHUCKLES

Wow! You're a great audience.

You know, a funny thing happened on the way to the rectory.

Does anybody know what a rectory is?

'But, try as he might, the Rev wasn't inspiring the crowd lately

'and he was beginning to suspect he might never again.'

Gosh, Lockie.

All of you children, eh, growing up so quickly.

-Careers day, day care.

-SHE CHUCKLES

Isn't it exciting?

-At this rate I'll be out of a job.

-You can have mine.

-Hmmm.

Doggy care. Well, isn't that fascinating?

I'll certainly know where to come for a shampoo. If we ever get a dog.

I don't want to spend the next 30 years up to my ears in dog shampoo.

Why would they think that's something I want to do?

-Who do they think I am?

-I admit it's not as immediately exciting as...

Groundbreaking research scientist?

Or consultant to the space programme!

Lockie... Sarge and I are thrilled just the same.

Thrilled.

SARGE CHUCKLES

'Phillip had offered to check through my careers tests

'to see where the doggy care thing might have come from.'

OK, these are only my preliminary findings,

-subject to the usual variables...

-Phillip, tell me what you think.

Well, if you're asking me, the thing that's pushed you over the line

into the touchy-feely, pet-loving, big sook camp...

HE SIGHS

I'm sorry, Lock. You're way too nice.

-What?!

-It's a definite trend, Lock.

Way too much consideration for others.

Especially our little animal friends.

So if I want to get ahead,

I should model myself on bad dudes like Curtis?

It's not such a crazy idea.

Let's face it, he's certainly cutting through

with your ex-friend Egg.

Too nice?

I don't believe it.

"Would you call yourself a people person

"most of the time, some of the time,

"rarely, never."

Joy.

You're not doing the boys' career test, are you?

Why not?

They're all growing up so quickly,

I'm going to have all this free time on my hands.

I can be productive too, you know.

SHE WHISPERS TO HERSELF

HE INHALES DEEPLY

Joy.

You are the life and soul of the Leonard family.

You are one of the world's great poems made flesh.

So where are my stripes?

What do you mean?

Well, WHERE are MY stripes?

You're a sergeant.

Yes, I am.

You have three stripes on your sleeve, that's like three big ticks.

Everybody says, "Oh, look at that Sarge.

"I bet he knows a thing or two."

-Yes, they do.

-HE CHUCKLES

What about me?

I'm a mum. I have three lovely children.

I didn't even get a certificate.

Do you want a job?

I want a salary.

I mean, what I wouldn't give for a new washing machine.

What sort of job do you want?

I think I would like a little job where I smile.

A lot.

And everybody would say, "Good old Joy.

"What would we have done without her?"

I'd just shrug my shoulders and say,

"Get away with you!

"It's nothing.

"My pleasure."

HE INHALES DEEPLY

No more Mr Nice Guy.

I'm a heavy dude, right?

That means no more Mr Nice Lockie.

You talkin' to me? Eh? You... You talkin' to me?

HE WHISPERS TO HIMSELF

Morning, Lockie.

Hey! You talkin' to me?

You talkin' to me?

I only said good morning.

Well from now on you'd better watch your step

cos things are going to change around here.

I'm going to be playing it Curtis style.

Huh!

Huh! Huh!

Say yo to the new me.

Lockie's in the house!

Word.

Don't come asking me to help little old ladies cross the road.

Cos you know what, it's not going to happen.

And when you see banana peel and you think,

you'd better pick it up in case someone slips,

Argh!

Well forget that!

And litter? Who cares!?

HE WHISTLES

OK, the litter thing - that starts tomorrow.

Look out, world.

Here he comes.

Lockie Leonard, looking for aggravation.

Well, that was the general idea.

But really, I just wanted Egg and me to be friends again.

Yo, bro.

Check it.

Check what?

I've been thinking things through, in my head,

and it's time to put being good back inside the box.

Oh, it's time to be bad!

Hey, Lockie, are you all right?

Do you want me to come with you to the sick bay?

Now, if it isn't Squeak-Squeak.

-Hey, Squeak-Squeak, Curtis couldn't help overhearing...

-Really?

-Yeah, cool.

-Now,

Squeak-Squeak,

it's all well and good to say you're going to be bad,

but you gotta walk the walk.

Not just talk the talk.

Excuse me?

Maybe you should help him out and get totally bad together.

Excuse me?

The sun is up, the sky is blue,

and Curtis's dog Mincer needs a gift.

From you.

A gift?

Mincer would like a new collar.

That's a DOG collar.

Why don't you two bring Mincer a new collar for me?

You mean, like, Egg's dad wears?

This is your mission, should you choose to accept it.

Now why don't you two bad guys bring Curtis the Rev's dog collar

then Curtis will know how bad you really are.

Thanks, Lockie. I don't know what you're trying to prove back there,

but trust me it didn't work.

-Sorry, Egg.

-And another thing, if we go ahead with this,

this is really going to mess with my career prospects.

I know but Curtis is expecting it now.

That's right. And nobody argues with Curtis.

Thanks, Lockie. Thanks a lot.

I have been a loyal employee almost gone 15 years now,

and I've never once asked for a promotion or a company car.

Now, I was hoping, if I could bother you...for one tiny thing...

A performance appraisal?

Nothing big,

just a quick chat to let me know if I'm on target.

Or, in the wrong job entirely.

The thing is...

I've never been much good at anything else.

Although there was that time at Theological College

where I worked as a Christmas postman.

Everybody was so pleased to see me,

and I felt like I had a message to give.

Perhaps that's the line of work I should have stuck to all along.

If you don't have any time for a face-to-face,

I'd be happy with a written response, or sign.

Yes, a sign!

That's what I need.

If it's not too much trouble...

of course.

Well, I'm glad we had this chat.

Amen.

My dog collar's gone!

HE GASPS

It's a sign.

THUNDER CRACKS

Oh! Hi there.

What are you doing here?

Good work, I suppose, as usual.

Comforting the unemployed.

Yeah, yes, yes, we do what we can.

And you?

Oh... Oh, I... I...

I've been past here that many times and I've always thought,

"I must pop in and have a look one day."

THEY LAUGH NERVOUSLY

George O'Donnell.

Now then, Mrs Leonard, you're looking for a job?

Would that be full time or casual?

Two.

You want two jobs?

No, two hours.

-A day?

-A week.

I don't suppose there's any call for a postman?

Not really, not since the e-mail took off.

On Thursday afternoons from 1:30 until 20 past 3?

And I probably wouldn't be able to work very many Sundays.

I'd just like to get out and talk to a few people.

My dog collar's gone missing -

maybe Sundays won't be the problem they were.

It can get pretty quiet at home, for us mums.

I mean the radio just sits there and goes... Hmmmmmm.

All day.

While George from the Job Centre was trying to find them something,

he arranged for Mum and the Rev

to have a one-hour trial at the bowling alley.

He had to give Mum and the Rev an A for effort...

..but putting their pasts behind them was more difficult.

Chicken...

Hello, my girls, come on!

Lovely ladies!

Then of course there were the interviews.

Hi there and welcome to Angelus' most exciting nugget outlet.

No, please, God invented chicken nuggets for everyone.

Look, I don't think I'll recommend the chicken nuggets today.

How about a nice green salad instead?

Mmmm.

So Sasha got the job instead.

Where am I going wrong, Jeff?

Is it me? Have I lost my touch?

Dad, I'm-I'm sure your dog collar will turn up any moment.

You've probably just left it somewhere.

No, Jeff.

I know a sign when I see one.

It's time for me to take a different path.

Possibly something in retail.

No, Dad, you can't!

You're the best minister there ever was.

Let's face it, Jeff.

If our saviour came back down to Earth, he wouldn't need

to multiply loaves and fishes to feed my congregation.

He'd have to take most of it home in a doggy bag.

We've got to get Dad's dog collar back.

What's Curtis going to say? He'll freak!

I know he will. We'd better start praying.

Yeah!

Did I hear you two fellas were looking for a dog collar?

-You did?

-How d'you know that?

I move in mysterious ways!

That's Mincer!?

MINCER BARKS TIMIDLY

HE WHINES

Let's get it!

Thank you!

My pleasure!

Hey, Lockie,

does this feel like the right thing to be doing?

Massively.

PHONE RINGS

Yes, hello?

Oh, hello, headmaster.

A miracle! The chaplain at Angelus High broke his leg

and they needed someone to fill in.

Urgently.

It's a sign!

Somebody needs me!

Sorry, no... I mean yes!

Of course I'm available.

Meanwhile, Mum got a phone call too.

I'm confused. Why did you want to meet me here?

Community radio station.

It shut down a few years ago now,

but I'm sure someone like you can get it up and running in no time.

Me?

Do you really think so?

Talking to all those other mums at home?

I'm sure of it. You see, Joy,

it's my job to listen and steer people in the right direction.

My card...

in case you want me again.

Radio Angelus was going to be pretty important to Mum

in the weeks to come, but that's another story.

The Rev's big questions had been answered.

He was in the right job after all and his future looked bright.

But the tricky thing about life -

just when you think you've got it sorted

another bigger question is always lurking round the corner.

Hold it right there!

You two took something that belonged to me!

Hey, that took guts. Curtis likes you guys.

We're going to be making lots more mischief together.

That's every day of the week from now on!

But not everything can be answered right away.

And sometimes it's out of our hands anyway.

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