Snake Hide Oil Lockie Leonard

# Worlds away from anyone

# They were burning themselves out in the sun

# Worlds away from anyone

# They were burning themselves out in the sun

# There was just enough to get that far away

# Ooh... #

Black Hawk down, Black Hawk down.

Lone Wolf Leonard trapped deep behind enemy lines.

Mission critical.

Phillip...

-..what are you doing?

-Laundry?

At this hour?

Sheets...wet.

But you haven't...

for ages.

Have. Did. Hide it. Excuse me.

'It was rainy day season for Phillip.

'Just when he thought he was cured for ever,

'here he was, wetting the bed again.

'In the week since Marjorie passed away,

'he hadn't had a dry night.

'Lucky for Phillip, Mum had bonded with the computer

'and was too lost in cyberspace to notice.'

Add...

Can I haz...

cheezblog?

I think your mother's invented a new language.

It's an internet thing.

What, you understand this?

I'm social networking.

I'm meeting all kinds of new and interesting people

and discovering a few old friends too.

Well, there was one. I've plussed Neville.

-What?

-Plussing. Adding your username to your friend's database.

Neville Loman?

Yeah, we hooked up a while back.

Hooked up. OK, when two consenting persons...

No, I get it. Thank you, Phillip.

-Who's Neville?

-Oh, he's...

He's my Vicki, if you know what I mean.

You mean he's a strangely precocious 13-year-old girl?

No.

-I mean he was my first love.

-Your fist love?

Does that mean he was your best?

Now, there's a question.

I'm off to work.

-Don't forget your lunch.

-No.

KNOCK ON DOOR

I'll get it.

-Welcome to the Leonard residence.

-Shake the hand that shook the world.

Thought you had a friend.

I'm Phillip.

-Yeah, course you are. Like your moves, P Dog.

-Who are you?

Neville Loman...

legendary showman...

-and salesman extraordinaire.

-Come and meet my mum.

Foxy.

Neville!

Oh...it's really you.

You should have called or given us some warning.

And wasted precious seconds? That was an arrow in flight, my love.

Whoa! You must be Rocky.

Lockie.

Lock up your daughters.

-You look like my dad.

-I could have been your dad.

'Neville got Mum away from the computer,

'but where to was another question. Judging by her clothes,

'somewhere near 1989.'

Oh, glad to meet you finally.

Amazing we've never met before.

Thanks for letting me sleep on your couch.

Well, you make yourself at home.

'Meanwhile, just as Phillip was struggling to live without Marjorie,

'it seemed like somehow she'd come back.'

-That's Marjorie's motorbike.

-Are you Phillip Leonard?

-Yeah.

My name is Arnold Grabbit.

From Grabbit, Take-it and Steal, lawyers,

acting for one Marjorie Beaumont,

from whose last will and testament

I shall now read subsection 4, clause 1, as amended.

"I, Marjorie Beaumont, bequeath my 2-wheeled motorised vehicle,

"with sidecar, to Phillip Leonard in perpetuity,

"not withstanding all considerations legal and otherwise,

"including but not limited to fire, flood, larceny and cattle."

The bike's yours, kid.

Hup! Obey the road rules.

'The fact that Phillip had half a decade to wait until

'he could legally ride a motorbike didn't seem to bother Marjorie.

'Didn't bother Phillip either. He loved the bike anyway.

'But it sure bothered the sarge.'

He's 12 years old. What's he going to do with a motorbike?

Hopefully, not ride it.

You are NOT to ride it.

OK.

But can I keep it?

No. It's just going to sit there, like some sort of...

temptation.

But if I promise not to start it up?

If he doesn't start it up, where's the harm?

-Yeah, where's the harm?

-Neville, this is family business.

Hey, hey. I know what you're thinking, but...I'm on your side.

-You are?

-Yeah.

We should have a party.

Yeah! That's a great idea.

- A big, wild, crazy party. - Take our minds off the hard times.

You said it, brother.

Hey.

Hey.

'Things had been weird with Egg and me.'

-SHOUTING

-'Ever since he brushed me to hang out with his new friend, Curtis.'

So what have you been up to?

I've been hanging out...

on my own, keeping out of trouble.

Egg, fancy seeing you here.

It's been ages.

-Who invited you?

-Lockie.

-Did I?

-Let's go inside, eh?

-Yeah.

-Hey...

wait for me.

Er...save one for later.

Although they're hardly about to go begging.

Mr Squasher, I didn't know you were coming.

Phillip invited me.

Do you know much about this Loman character?

Not personally. He's, um... and old friend of Joy's.

The man is staying in your home.

I'd have thought a full background check would have been in order.

I can't believe you threw me a party. Very generous.

-It was your idea.

-It's a great idea.

So, er...rest of the crew on their way?

No, er, I think this is everyone.

Excellent. Intimate.

Feeling it.

How come you and Mum broke up?

Phillip, that's a very personal question.

I disappeared.

Where to?

I was arrested for a crime I didn't commit.

MUSIC STOPS Jail?!

NEVILLE: 'Solitary confinement. One meal a day.

'Bread, piece of orange.

'I decided to escape.

'I decided to cut my way out.

'All I had was the rind from a piece of orange.

'Once I'd escaped the guards...'

I swam the length of the river, made it to the bank, but right there,

big crocodile.

- What did you do? - Slipped past him underwater.

That's when I discovered it.

The oil.

Scientists call it the eighth wonder of the world.

- I'm a scientist. - P Dog, I know you are.

I've got something for you that could be just

the greatest scientific discovery...

this century.

Ladies and gentlemen...

Snake Hide Oil.

What is it?

What is it?

'Neville gave us the pitch, the whole song and dance.'

# You don't wanna get old

# You wanna stay young

# Snake Hide Oil

# Snake Hide Oil Snake Hide Oil

# Look younger

# Feel the joy

# Of Snake Hide Oil

# Snake Hide Oil

# Snake Hide Oil Snake Hide Oil

# Get some. #

It's ratified in Geneva by a team of biochemists from...

Norway.

-Wow!

-And you people here tonight have the opportunity

to get in on the ground floor. I'm not just talking about buying it. No.

I'm talking about selling it. Have a look at this, P Dog.

If you sign up to be a salesperson with Snake Hide Oil,

you will make up to 2,000 dollars a month.

2,000 dollars a month?!

That's just the start. Throw a few hundred my way for royalties, then...

we all make some money.

Everyone here...

'Nobody minded that Neville turned his "Welcome to Angelus" party

'into a sales conference for Snake Oil.

'They were all impressed.

'Well, almost everyone.

'Sarge suspected Neville might be some kind of...suspect.'

There's no Neville Loman in the files.

I bet he's there somewhere. Look again.

Let's just leave it for now.

'Phillip, meanwhile, was hooked.'

Ladies and gentlemen, Snake Hide Oil unlocks the power of our stem cells,

stimulates cell growth and regeneration,

and all for just 49.95.

-Hey, I'll take one.

-Me too!

'Phillip had the sales thing down, but struggled in other areas.

'He hadn't slept for days, so as not to wet the bed.'

Phillip...

I wish I was old enough to ride this bike.

-You should get some sleep.

-I will, I will.

Mmm, there he is, the champion salesman.

Yeah.

Neville, I don't understand. If... you get everybody selling Snake Oil,

-aren't you creating competition for yourself?

-I'm a true believer.

With enough people selling for you, you can make money without working.

Yeah, well, it's possible.

PHILLIP YAWNS Oh, yawning.

Come on, a real champion never sleeps.

Bring it. I must be a real champion, then.

-Didn't you get ANY sleep?

-Nah.

Why not?

-He was up early, cleaning Marjorie's bike.

-Yeah, what he said.

Hey, what say we go for a spin on that bike to the next town?

Hit the highway, make some sales, you and me.

- Really? - Absolutely. I promise.

-I'm so glad to be out of that classroom.

-Yeah?

Except I got detention, so I'm going back inside, I guess...all week.

Hey...right.

What are you doing?

Um...don't know. Whatever.

Have fun.

'Egg was in another galaxy, stuck in enrichment class.'

Hey! Wait up.

'But he was trying to make his own way,

'which meant trying to impress Curtis.'

-What?

-I just remembered. I've got detention all week too.

What for?

Just a bunch of stuff.

You know. Shall we go?

You don't talk, you don't leave your desks, your heads down

-and you write out your lines. Is that clear?

-Yes, sir.

Stop scuffing your feet!

The floor's just been polished and made new again.

I'll be back shortly.

HEAVENLY MUSIC

Hey, fancy seeing you here, Egg.

What are you doing here?

-What are YOU doing here?

-We're on detention.

You know her.

Kind of.

Wow.

'Curtis always said wow when he saw a girl he liked.'

Actually, I have detention, come to think of it.

-Wow!

-No, you don't.

Yes, I do.

-I do.

-You don't even have a pen... or paper.

-Thanks.

-Wow!

At least somebody's a gentleman.

'Out on the front line of sales, Mum wasn't doing so well.'

-I think it's...

-'It's possible she lacked the killer instinct.'

It's good...I think.

I haven't tried it myself, but...

Here, have some...for free.

'Mum was out of her depth.

'And she wasn't the only one.

Ha!

What?

Check it out - she's ruling lines with a ruler.

But that's what you do in detention - lines.

Write out lines, like, "I must behave better in the classroom."

-You write that out. Admit it, you've never had detention before.

-I have.

-Yo, people!

-Don't tell me you have detention too.

Chill, clock this.

Snake Hide Oil. Scientifically proven to stop the ageing process.

I've got what you want.

- Let's make a deal... - Mr Salesman, we're not buying.

Guaranteed to keep your skin younger, fresher...

- smoother. - Didn't you hear what I said?

-We're not interested.

-Actually? Younger skin? That sounds cool.

How much younger do you want to look?

I'll take one.

Huh? I haven't even given you the full pitch yet.

I'll take one...for my friend...

..Sasha.

I'm good.

I'm really, really good.

'Mum finally had to own up to it.

'She wasn't going to make anybody rich.'

Foxy.

Hey.

Are you going to buy into the business?

-Or what?

-I'm not sure I'm the right kind of person.

Course you are.

I'm letting you in for almost nothing.

For old times' sake, you can buy in for, say...

10,000 cash.

Neville...this isn't about money,

it's about your feelings.

Isn't it?

Is there a difference?

You know, once upon a time, I was a material girl.

And you were a smooth operator.

Yeah.

Love was our battlefield and...

and at the time it was all good.

Right.

But now it's like...

..I can't get into the groove.

Neville...

..I'm not your lucky star.

Foxy...

whatever.

Huh?

-Are you going to give me that 10,000 cash, or not?

-No.

'In detention, Sasha was trying to look unimpressed with Egg.

'She was hoping this would somehow impress him.

'But Egg was too busy breakdancing, trying to impress Curtis.

'Curtis pretended to be impressed with Egg to somehow impress Sasha.

'No-one in the bizarre love triangle noticed the pen Egg stood on

'and crushed and spread ink all over the shiny new floor

-'until...'

-Oh, no, the floor!

'..it was way too late.'

-Squash will kill us.

-Not me, I'm outta here.

-What?!

-It's nothing to do with me.

I wasn't meant to be here in the first place.

What are we going to do?

'Turns out Snake Hide Oil had more than one use.

'It doubled as a floor cleaner too.

'Perhaps it WAS a floor cleaner.'

Where are your lines?

Australia's champion salesman ready for the road trip.

What about a sandwich and a glass of milk?

No, not hungry. Tell him we have to fire up Marjorie's bike.

Where is he?

He had to go somewhere.

SIREN WAILS

Going somewhere in a hurry?

'It wasn't my fault.'

I didn't mean to go fast. It was an accelerator malfunction.

That's the worst excuse I've ever heard.

You have very beautiful eyes.

Are you talking to me or Senior Constable Snowden?

Well, you're both very attractive.

Hey, you've got Neville. Nice.

-We have.

-You don't like him very much, do you?

No, that's not true, he's a friend of your mother's.

That's mostly why you don't like him. Are you jealous?

Because he was first? I mean, he was Mum's boyfriend before you.

No...I'm not jealous.

-Are you sure?

-Not completely.

Look, I like to think of myself as someone who gives people

-the benefit of the doubt.

-Yeah, you do.

It's just, with Neville, there's more doubt than benefit!

Phillip was really looking forward to the bike ride with Neville.

-I think they've made enough sales.

-It wasn't just about the sales...

for Phillip.

He misses Marjorie.

You promised my son you'd take him for a motorbike ride.

That meant more to him than you can imagine.

Well...I was going to do that.

No. You weren't.

It's tough on people when you make promises and don't deliver.

You're right. I'm all talk.

I've never been able to stay in one place.

I've got to get up and get out.

Hit that long, lonesome highway.

Will you do that, Neville?

There are your keys.

I respect you, Sarge.

You don't talk it up.

You've got a great wife.

Great kids.

I wish I were you.

Oh, you're the bomb.

Well, I appreciate your saying that, Neville.

-If there's anything I can do for you...

-Observe the speed limit.

-Ooh!

Oh, Neville, there is one thing.

Take off your clothes.

Well, the thing is, Phil Doggy Dog,

we won't be able to ride to the next town,

but- ho-ho!- we can sure go for a ride around this one.

Hey, I can tell it's you.

Sorry.

Don't be. I like you better.

But I'm...I'm not very good at talking it up.

-The money, the glamour...

-Exactly.

D'you want to go for a ride anyway?

'Sunset surfs are the best.

'If only Phillip could surf.

'It might wear him out enough to finally get some sleep.

'But then, maybe I needn't have worried.

'Thanks to Sarge, he found his own way back to dry, sunny days again.'

Subtitles by Red Bee Ltd

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