Laugh with the Leonards Lockie Leonard

Give it up now for everybody's favourite little brother...

'There's a funny thing about families...'

..Philip Leonard!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'..there's a public face that we like to show to the world...'

And finally, here he is. The star of Laugh With The Leonards,

the love lord with the surfboard, it's Lockie Leonard!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'..and then there's the private face,

'the face we keep hidden away from everyone...

'behind closed doors.'

'You'd have to say that Saturday afternoons at the Leonards

'is one of those times when the last thing you need

'is a studio audience.'

Hello, anybody home?

'Put it this way - Saturday afternoons at the Leonards

'is for immediate family members only.'

Ooo-eee!

Someone's here!

Hi! Joy, isn't it?

Sunny. We met the other day at school, the musical.

We really hit it off.

-I thought we were going to see some rain today.

-Me too,

-it came over really cloudy earlier on.

-And then it fined up again.

-Yes. It did.

-Hmm.

Oh, yes. The musical, of course.

I found this on the ground on the way in.

Um... (LAUGHS AWKWARDLY)

Thank you.

Goodness me, Philip! Look at you!

Middle of the afternoon, you're not even dressed.

But, Mum, it's Saturday. We never get dressed...

Sunny, why don't you end on inside? I do have to warn you though,

you have to take us as you find us.

I'd love to, but I was wondering if I could beg the biggest favour?

Of course, you only have to ask. SUNNY WHISTLES

-You remember my daughter Mel?

-Er...

Mum, you remember Mel. She's the one that Lockie tried to kiss

-and it all went horribly wrong.

-MEL: Hi!

-Hi.

And do you remember Lockie?

SHE LAUGHS

Are you kidding me? That's so not going to happen.

Oh. Wow!

SUNNY: Thanks, Joy. I'll pick her up tomorrow.

I know it's short notice, but if I can nail this presentation

at the Green Expo, Mel and I will be laughing all the way to the bank.

-Wow! Great(!)

-Righty, I'll see you tomorrow, chuck.

-Bye! Thanks again for having Mel over.

-Mel's doing what?

'And just when it couldn't get any worse...'

-Magnificent specimen of manhood coming through.

-Oh no, please, no!

It's like a jungle out...

Um... Perhaps, Lockie, you'd like to take Mel for a little walk.

For an hour.

At least.

Are you sure you're cool about me staying over tonight?

I mean, you didn't really get much say.

You've only been here five minutes and already seen my family

in their underwear. How can it get any worse?

'Only if someone mentions what happened at the beach.'

Do you want to talk about what happened the other day at the beach?

Me? Nah! It's, it's weird,

It's like I can't even remember much happening.

It's like I've forgotten the whole day.

Even the bit where you tried to kiss me and I told you to get lost?

Really? Can't remember that bit.

'The way I see it, things were just fine with the two of us being...

'well, mates, but then... everything changed.'

'Like, big time.'

'If Mel was ever going to quit laughing at me,

'I had to get things back to the way they were.'

So do you want to go kick a footie or, I don't know, maybe we could

-go drop some farts.

-Oh, yeah. Let's do that(!)

Or do you want to have a nose around inside that house?

Wouldn't the people who live there have something to say?

Nobody lives there. It's been empty since we moved to Angelus.

Where are you going? Um, Mel, I was joking.

It's unlocked.

Yeah, great(!) Let's do it.

OK, that's enough. Let's go now.

Mel? Mate?

I could live here. It's cool.

Next door, yeah, great(!) Mind you,

can't be all that bad living on a houseboat.

I'm guessing that's because you've never had to.

Think toilets in a force nice gale.

We, er, we really should get a move on.

Sure. I guess everyone will be fully clothed by now.

If you would like to sit there, Mel, in the good chair.

-I hope you're feeling peckish, Mel.

-I sure am.

Yum! Tuna Mornay.

No. That's apricot beef.

-Right-oh. Yum.

-Mel, about this morning. I hope you don't think that

just because it's a Saturday that that's any excuse for me

getting around the house in a state of undress.

Who would do that? PHILIP: I can't remember

-the last time Mum was undressed before noon.

-That's right,

-it never happens.

-Don't worry about it.

If we'd moored somewhere out of the way,

Mum and I don't bother with clothes at all.

-You mean you get around in the...

-Sure.

'No, Lockie. Do NOT go there. Think of something else'

(LAUGHS) Stop it, Lockie. You're giving me a stitch.

Oh.

DAD: Well, that's very forward thinking of you and your mum.

Not to mention chilly.

THEY LAUGH

You guys are hilarious.

'Yeah, that'd be right.

'After embarrassing thing that Mel's seen at the Leonard's today,

'she'll have enough to keep her laughing

'for the rest of the century.'

Hey, Mum, what's cooking?

To be perfectly honest...

I'm not sure.

LAUGHTER

There you go again. You'd have to be the worst cook in the world.

LAUGHTER

Well, at least I remembered to get dressed this morning.

I can explain.

I've been working undercover.

LAUGHTER

Where's my boy Lockie?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Aahh. Why the long face, son?

I just tried to kiss a girl is all.

You, Lockie? Kiss a girl?

Now that's funny.

LAUGHTER

-What is it, Joy?

-Oh, nothing important.

-Joy?

It's from the people who decide whether or not

community radio station goes ahead or not, that's all.

-I mean, I'll open it later.

-Thanks for dinner, it was yummy.

-I'm just getting a glass of water.

-You have to open it now.

I can't, too nervous.

Mel, if you wouldn't mind. Read.

Looks like you've been given the go ahead.

SHE SQUEALS

All you have to do is broadcast a pilot programme

by the end of tomorrow and you're all set.

Tomorrow?

How long has that thing been sitting in the back garden unnoticed?!

Look, surely there's room for leniency. Read on.

"If you don't broadcast by the deadline,

"your licence will be revoked and you won't get another chance ever."

-It's good news.

-Yeah.

-I'm just going to go brush my teeth.

OK, you need to get on the phone. You need to contact some

local talent and be behind that microphone tomorrow.

On the radio? Talking to myself?

Oh no. No, no, no, no, no. I couldn't possibly do that.

No. I'd just... I'd just end up putting everybody to sleep.

Mel.

-Are you sure you'll be comfortable?

-It's cool.

Mum and I are used to sleeping anywhere.

You'll be wearing appropriate sleep attire, I hope.

-Nothing with trucks on them...

-(Nothing?!)

..if that's what you mean.

You can't possibly sleep in here, with us!

Mum! I-I sleepwalk and I might tread on you.

Yes, good point, Philip. Besides...

..we can't have you sleeping on the floor.

No, you're a guest. Come.

I don't feel good about kicking you and Sarge out of your bed.

No arguments, young lady.

And you don't have to tuck me in. I can do it myself.

Of course you can.

-Mrs Leonard.

-Um-hm.

You missed a bit.

That was a very close call.

'Philip wasn't kidding. Having to spend the whole night listening

'to my brother snore would have been the icing on the cake.'

I'm as broad-minded as the next man, but as far as clothes go,

or the total lack of them, there's a standard.

I mean, what have they got against undies in the first place.

'That's right.

'And what if Mel and her mum really did move in next door,

'and this 36 hours of stomach-churning humiliation

'turn into a lifetime.'

Hey. We thought since Mel and I are just next door

and in need of a giggle...

We'd just barge in out of the blue and laugh at you.

SARGE IMITATES RADIO STATIC

Hello, everybody out there in radio land.

This is Angelus public radio coming to you for the very first time.

IMITATES STATIC AGAIN

-Do you really think I can do it?

-Excuse me, not only do I think

a certain walking miracle by the name of Joy Leonard can do it,

alone if necessary, I think the whole world is agog in anticipation

at the triumph that is to come.

IMITATES RADIO STATIC

Seems to be a lot of static out there tonight.

I don't know where that's coming from.

BOTH IMITATE RADIO STATIC

WHIRRING

It's true, Sarge. The whole room filled with this unearthly light

that can only be associated with a form of space transport.

I'd like to believe you, Philip,

but I'm sure there's a more rational explanation.

Oh, there's your aliens.

Looks like they've moved in next door. I think what you saw

was the headlights from the removal truck.

Hi!

Hi, I'm Joe. We've just moved in.

What's your name? Are you up to much? Wow! Nice garden!

What are you guys doing for breakfast?

What do you have in the way of cereal?

MEL: I suppose we won't get to be neighbours, now that you know...

-Joe.

-Joe has moved in.

-What a pity.

-Hmm, shame.

JOE: Fantastic work, Mrs Leonard. Your milk cereal ratio is spot on!

Now then, plans for the day.

I have a community radio station to get running and Philip has

volunteered to help me with the technical side of things.

-PHILIP: Not a problem. JO: Count me in.

-Sarge?

That garden out there, it looks like a jungle and er...

I think I'm the man to tame it.

Which just leaves Lockie and Mel.

'Maybe the safest thing was to get Mel out of the house.

'At least that way she wouldn't find anything else to laugh at.'

I was going to go for a surf and you're welcome to come along

and watch if you like, mate.

That's OK. I'm happy just to hang around the house.

You do whatever you like, Mel. We just want you to feel right at home.

'OK, I confess. 18 hours into Mel's visit

'and I'd kind of lost the ability to think straight.

'And being back at the scene of the crime made it worse.'

MEL LAUGHS

Promise me you'll never try to kiss me again or I'll die of laughing.

SHE LAUGHS

Oh. OK, it needs a bit of a clean, doesn't it? Goodness.

Philip, put that down.

Come on, boys. Come on, come on, come on!

There's a little bit of work to do, but we'll be fine.

Maybe it's for the best, Philip. I mean, running a radio station,

you'd have to admit a bit of a pipe dream.

Probably end up with...with everybody laughing at me anyway.

ELECTRICAL FIZZING

Sorry, I'm not that familiar with the technology.

Oh, well. We tried.

I'm pretty sure I can fix this.

Testing, testing.

My goodness me, Joe. Where did you learn to do that! And at your age?

-It's not that hard.

-There you go.

We're on. We're broadcasting.

So are you telling me

you've never had a garden, you've never had a pet?

What, not even a ship's cat?

I had a ship's goldfish once, but I liberated him over the side.

THEY LAUGH

'OK. If you think what I did before was dumb,

'wait and see what I did now.' Yeah, go for it.

Pretty funny, aren't we?

You had a good laugh at me at the beach after the musical.

You spent the whole weekend laughing at my family.

What's next? You're going to have a nice little giggle at my pet sheep?

Nice one, Lockie. What was that all about?

Hello, everybody out there in radio land,

and welcome to this, the first pilot broadcast of Radio Angelus,

a community radio station for you, the people of Angelus.

So first, some introductions. My name is...

-Mum, it's Mum.

-No, no, my real name.

RADIO STATIC

Mrs Leonard.

RADIO: 'Sorry for that momentary break in transmission.'

My name is Mrs Leonard,

and I'm going to be with you for the next hour or so this afternoon.

I will be talking to you about...

Well...you know those things that really...

For example, some of you may not be aware of this, but...

sometimes my family and I eat our dinners off our laps.

RADIO: 'Leave the washing-up until the next day.

'Now by some mysterious process, which no-one really understands,

'a report gets sent out to all the other known mums in the universe,'

saying, "Joy Leonard's house is rubbish tip. Pass it on."

SHE CHUCKLES Don't ask me how,

but it happens. SHE LAUGHS

So...I thought it might be quite nice if, erm...

you, the people of Angelus, called in and we had a chat about

whatever might be on your mind. So...

the lines are open.

And... BEEPING

And we have a caller already. Um...

-Hello?

-'Hi.'

I just wanted to say that... even though certain people,

RADIO: 'who I won't mention by name,

'might think I'm just a big pain the bum,'

certain people should also know that up until about ten minutes ago

I was having one of the best weekends I can ever remember,

in all sorts of ways. For example, a certain person's mother

'is a totally brilliant, inventive cook,'

and certain people might also want to know that...

even though I laughed at a certain incident that happened at the beach,

it was probably just because I was embarrassed and I didn't want to,

you know, stop us from being mates.

Well, if that is the case...I think a certain person

-RADIO: 'should call in and apologise.

-Yeah, well,'

they could if they liked.

BEEPING

RADIO: 'Hello. It's a certain person here.'

I'd just like to say...

I'm glad your caller had a really great weekend and she's welcome

to come back and stay any time she likes.

-Really?

-'Yeah.

'And a certain person would also like to say'

he's sorry he's been such a loser lately,

'when it was only a week ago that he thought you were

-'one of the best mates anyone could have.'

-Yeah.

Well, I suppose you can't help being a loser,

'seeing as how you are one.'

'So I guess what Mel was saying

'was that over the weekend, she got a close up squiz at the Leonards,

'in their undies and, strangely enough, she didn't think

'we were some weird, mutant family,

'even on Saturday afternoons.'

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]