The X Factor Lockie Leonard

# Worlds away from anyone

# They were burning themselves out in the sun

# Worlds away from anyone

# They were burning themselves out in the sun

# There was just enough to get that far away

# Ooh... #

'OK, so you'd have to say, out here,

'this is a place that makes perfect logical sense,

'where some of the best bits that make up the universe come together

'to add up to something else even better.

'Yep - big, wide open sky,

'plus big, fat swell equals awesome.

'It'd be hard to find anything more straightforward than that equation.

'But that's not to say everything in life fits together so easily

'or with such little confusion.

'Take algebra, for example.

'What alien corner of the universe did it come from?

'Who lives there?

'When did it first land on Earth?

'On this point, I think I can speak for Egg as well.'

I'm so relieved, at the beginning of our new school year,

to find you've lost none of your bone-headedness

when it comes to algebraic equations.

'And yet, all of a sudden, apart from surfing,

'there was this other brilliant equation that I totally got,

'which goes something like...

'when Lockie Leonard = L and Vicki Streeton = V,

'when you put them together, all of a sudden you've got the X Factor.

'Sure, I have no idea what the X Factor actually is, but hey!

'Whatever it is, I'm loving it.

'Because finally, we get each other.

'Like, it turns out Vicki gets a bit crazed near a digital camera.

'There are 1,437 pictures of Vicki's holiday in the States

'to be looked at, one at a time.'

-And this is the milkshake I had in LA.

-Right.

And there it is again...and again.

-Cool.

-And there's the empty glass once I'd finished.

'And at the same time,

'Vicki's been getting into some of my stuff...'

Whoa!

-How good was that?

-Great!

I've never seen anyone's head do that before!

'Remember my perfect Lockie and Vicki equation?

-Hi, Loc and Vic.

-Hi, Loc and Vic.

'It wasn't just me. It seemed like everyone was putting us together.'

-Hi, Loc and Vic.

-Hi, Loc and Vic.

Hi, Loc and Vic.

Hi, Loc and Vic.

-Hi, Loc and Vic.

-Hi, Loc and Vic.

-You're complaining about being hooked up with Vicki Streeton?

-No!

I love it. I never want to be unhooked from Vicki Streeton.

-So...your point is?

-It's just that yesterday,

we were Lockie Leonard and Vicki Streeton,

like we had our own names and there were two of us.

And now it's like, well, there's only one of us.

Loc and Vic - like we're stuck together with glue.

You just said how you love being stuck on Vicki.

Yeah, but last time I checked, there were two of us in this equation.

Now I don't know where we are any more. I don't know if we're a two,

or a one plus one that equals two.

Am I a variable or a coefficient?

Maybe we're a simultaneous equation.

Lockie, stop doing maths analogies. You know I can't follow them.

That's the problem. Neither can I.

'Lockie and Vicki, together - the perfect equation.

'Except, as Old Squasher will tell you, algebra -

'if anyone can get it wrong...

'it'd be me.

'Day three of the new school year,

'and Mum's in a flap.

You can't go yet, Sarge. I haven't made Lockie and Phillip's lunches.

Better get a wriggle on! Look at the time!

-You couldn't possible give me a hand(?)

-Certainly can.

Phillip! Hurry up! Lockie, we're out of here in five.

There's a permission note that has to go back today. Could you sign it?

-This one here?

-Yes.

-I can do that.

While you're at it, maybe run an iron over Lockie's sports uniform?

Wait a minute.

So you want me to sign the permission note AND iron the shirt...

-at the same time?

-Yes.

-OK.

Could you run me through that again? Because if I'm signing

and ironing, I can't...

-Sarge, go and see if the front door's working.

-Right you are.

Better get a wriggle on, Mum.

I want to be at school in time for Old Squasher's third day maths test.

Old Squasher's third day maths test?

We haven't studied! We haven't even read the books.

It's going to be a disaster.

Oh, yes! You're burning up.

I don't think you should go to school today.

I'm fine, Mum!

I'm looking forward to the maths test. I'm quietly confident.

Aren't you brave? Isn't he brave?

But you listen to me.

I bow to nobody in my admiration of your mathematical abilities,

but your brother has been through this before you, and he can tell you

that Old Squasher's maths tests

-bring nothing but pain and humiliation to this family.

-Mum,

that was Lockie, and he's...you know...

(hopeless).

'Since Egg's mum moved to Scandinavia indefinitely,

'Rev was trying to put on a brave face.'

-Ah, here he is.

-Morning, Dad.

A hearty breakfast for a growing boy. Sit down, Geoffrey.

Now, how about if I do us both some bread and butter fingers?

I'm fine, thanks, Dad.

And after school, I thought we could go outside and kick a ball.

Dad...

Whoops!

Sorry! Force of habit.

Geddit? Force of habit?

Geddit? Habit? On the Rev?

-I dunno where I got that from.

-Good one, Dad.

'As hard as he was trying.

'Rev was finding it difficult to raise a smile.

'What made it even tougher - word was out

'that Rev's sermons weren't as much fun as they used to be.'

Good morning, one and all... or should that be one on one?

Anyway, on a more serious note,

I thought today I'd like to talk about the gift of happiness.

'But the fact was, the Rev was losing audience share...

'big time.'

Er, so, hands up...

anyone here who remembers what feeling happy is like.

Anyone?!

DOOR CLOSES

BOTH: What did you have for breakfast?

Hey, listen, Vicki - and Lockie, of course -

I need a new dress for my sister's engagement party.

Do you want to come and help me choose something?

Both of you, obviously.

It's late night shopping tonight.

You bet! Lockie?

-Dress shopping?

-Yeah!

Do you like this one?

Mmm.

What about this one?

Better than this one?

So, which one do you like?

HE SNORES

Cool.

-Cool.

-Cool. See you at six, then.

Loc and Vic.

'That's what I'd been trying to say to Egg.

'How do you get around to being Loc and Vic? One word?

'And manage to stay Lockie Leonard and Vicki Streeton

'all at the same time?

'I mean, Mum and Sarge.

'There must have been a time before they were Mum and Sarge,

'when they were...

'I don't know, Joy and Constable Leonard?'

Wow!

So long ago I can barely remember.

BC!

BOTH: Before children!

I mean, it's only naturally that as a couple

you grow closer together over time.

Which isn't to say we're not free to pursue our own separate interests.

Oh, no. Sarge still has his poetry.

And Joy still has her...

Household appliances.

And the children, of course.

And all that anxiety.

'Old Squasher meanwhile was only interested in one thing,

'causing misery.'

Mr Squasher, Phillip Leonard.

I'm very much looking forward to working with you this year.

Did you say Leonard?

I believe you know my brother, Lockie?

I'd heard the rumours there was another.

Why me?

Have I done something incredibly wicked in the past?

I've heard so much about you, Mr Squasher. From Lockie?

Why, yes.

Leonard minor.

I don't see why things can't proceed exactly as last year

with your illustrious brother.

Beginning with my mind-numbingly challenging Third Day Maths Test.

Great!

'Meanwhile Mum was determined not to let Squasher's maths test

'disgrace the Leonard name for a second year running.

Must be here somewhere.

Lockie would have sat Old Squasher's maths test this time last year,

so all I have to do is find Lockie's test and then we will have

all of the questions.

GASPS

Couple of the answers.

So...

Ah! Sometimes, Blob, I even amaze myself!

GIGGLES

O out of 25.

"An abysmal result. Come and see me, Mr Squasher."

That's OK, Blob.

I'll just have to...

Question one...

There's an X, a little 2,

and some Ys.

BABY GIGGLES

That's the question!

All of the questions.

Now I just have to work out the answers.

What is a quadratic equation anyway?

Have I got to find a...

Some handy hints, Blob.

Shh, not cheating, definitely not cheating.

Just handy hints on very small pieces of paper.

Just act natural, Blob.

We just have to find Phillip,

hand him the lunchbox then skedaddle.

With a bit of luck no-one will even notice we've been here.

BELL RINGS

Morning.

Blob.

Phillip. 12 o'clock.

(Phillip?)

Mum!

What are you doing here?

You forgot your lunchbox.

-No I didn't.

-Phillip, yes you did.

Mum, I think you'll find I didn't.

Stop arguing with me and take the jolly lunchbox.

I'll take that, Mr Leonard.

Enter!

I don't approve of lunchboxes in the torture pit.

I mean, examination room.

Well then I shall save this for another day.

Quite so.

Until we meet again,

Mrs Leonard.

No!

Hey, Lockie.

And obviously Vicki.

Erm...big, big favour to ask.

To both of you, together.

Erm, are you doing anything around six o'clock tonight?

Oh, actually we, erm...

Cos my dad's doing evensong

and it would be great if I could guarantee a few bums on pews.

Cos, quite frankly, the numbers are way down.

Yeah, sure.

But would Vicki and I really make that much of a difference?

You'd, like, triple the number of people I expect to front up.

Which is...

basically just me.

Well look, in that case...

Sure.

Count us both in.

Cool, thanks.

'Yup, it was official.

'Vicki and I were stuck together with glue.'

Sasha's dress is this way, at six. We said we'd both go.

But the Rev's service is this way.

We're joined at the hip now, so we can't do both.

It's like we're in a maths equation, we need to factorise.

-Hello, Loc and Vic.

-Hi.

Lockie, don't try and do maths and algies,

you know you don't understand them.

Ah! What a pleasant surprise.

What bring you to the station, Joy?

'Actually, Mum was here because she was still annoyed with Old Squasher.

'But Sarge didn't need to know that.'

Why am I here?

Why?

Because I've asked you 100 times -

wipe your feet before you come into the house.

Don't tread all that dirt through every time you come home,

do I make myself clear?

Ah...

Point taken.

Is there anything else?

No.

No, I think that was everything.

Hello, Snowy.

Everything all right?

Come, Leonard, admitting defeat already?

You disappoint me.

You've another 20 minutes

in which to fail even more abysmally.

Finished, sir.

Finished?

You mean finished what little you understood?

Finished everything, sir.

Unless you've got extra brainteasers for me to fill up the time?

You can make them a little trickier. If you wanted.

'OK,

'update.

'Now it seemed me and Vicki's X Factor,

'it equalled tense,

'and awkward.

'And, well, not happy.'

So, what will it be?

Psycho Tomatoes Of The Corn 4?

Again?

Well...

We have a bit of time to kill.

Before, you know...

six o'clock.

So when six o'clock comes what will we do,

you know, then?

Go to the church?

I mean, it's really important,

you know, for Egg.

I know, but...

dress shopping is important too, for Sasha.

We can't be everywhere at the same time.

I think a certain young couple would benefit

from our years of experience as a highly-successful partnership.

You take Lockie to the yard, I'll take Vicki to the kitchen.

I'll do the man-to-man thing.

I'll do the girl talk.

Let's do it.

What you have to understand, Lockie,

is a man goes through life with pretty much

the same easy-going frame of mind, day after day.

Nothing much unsettles him.

Nor does it have to.

Call it a flatline, if you will.

Not so with women.

Let's say I'd forgotten to wipe my shoes when I came home,

on the front doormat.

I'm home!

'And say, I'd forgotten,

'day after day after day.

'As you do.'

The day will surely dawn, when pretty much out of nowhere

your mum will suddenly go into a frenzy.

It didn't yesterday,

it may not tomorrow,

but it does today.

Hard to fathom?

Trust me, Lockie.

It happens.

Wow!

The problem is, Vicki, poor men.

They can only think of one thing at a time. I mean, can you imagine?

No. Wow!

Supposing you were cooking dinner,

and the phone rang.

And you were forced to decide do I keep cooking dinner,

do I answer the phone? Cooking? Phone?

Cooking? Phone? What's it to be?

Fact is, asking a man to multitask is pointless.

By the same token,

there will be days when for no apparent reason

your mum will start picking on you

for silly, trivial meaningless little things.

I call these days picking on men for trivia.

Wow.

Wow, indeed, Lockie.

Wow, indeed.

A man needs simple goals to have any sense of achievement.

But get him to think of more than one thing at once,

you just bamboozle the poor thing.

So my advice,

take it on the chin,

tomorrow is another day,

flatline.

Hey.

'Even after Mum and Sarge's advice...'

Hi, there. '..our problem still wasn't solved.'

OK,

so is it going to be Egg, or Sasha?

Maybe we could try and do both.

How's that going to work? Have Sasha try on a dress in the church?

Don't get so bamboozled all the time.

(Flatline.)

What are you doing?

Sorry.

It's just...

this whole Loc and Vic equation thing...

it's making me dizzy.

Sorry?

I didn't know we had an equation.

Yeah, you know, our X Factor.

L + V used to equal good.

Right? I mean, better than good.

But now,

it's as if everyone thinks we're the same person

and doesn't add up.

I mean, how can X equal two things at the same time?

But Lockie, it can.

Really? It can?

Everybody knows an equation can have more than one solution.

'And finally we knew what to do.

'Vicki helped Sasha find her perfect dress.

'And I helped Egg get his bums on pews.

'Well,

'two of them.'

Good evening, one and all.

Should that be one-on-one?

'Which meant that at breakfast the next morning

'Rev's sad food started to look a little chirpier.

'And even Old Squasher was happy.'

My career, I dared to hope,

that this day might come.

But never, in my wildest dreams,

could I imagine there could actually be someone such as this,

Leonard minor.

Prince among mathematicians.

'But more than anything else,

'Vicki and I were happy again.

'Because we worked out that we were happy being together...'

TYRES SCREECH

Hey, I might go.

OK.

See you, Vic.

'.but it was OK to do things on our own too.

'And so as it turns out,

'surfing wasn't the only equation I could figure out.

'Not that I was about to give Phillip a run for his money

'and ace one of Old Squasher's tests.

'I guess some things in the universe,

'like second year algebra,

'they can remain a mystery.

'Possibly forever.

'But right now, out here,

'I was pretty happy with the way things were adding up.'

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