Life Map Lockie Leonard


Life Map

Live action comedy series. Lockie is invited on a car rally with Vicki's family, while Egg is uncomfortable with his new-found popularity.


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Transcript


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# Worlds away from anyone

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# They were burnin' themselves out in the sun

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# Worlds away from anyone

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# They were burnin' themselves out in the sun

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# There was just enough

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# To get that far away

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# Doo doo-doo-doo

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# Doo doo-doo-doo-ooh-ooh

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# Doo doo-doo-doo...

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'Maps. They're quite good, really.

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'We use them to decide where we're going. Where to turn.

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'When to stop.

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'All very useful when you're lost.'

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-If we double back and take this track...

-We hit the swamp. Turn now.

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-And end up in the sand dunes.

-Get us out!

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'Unfortunately, it was another kind of map I was needing right now.

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'Why couldn't we have maps for life?'

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Because Vicki and I had taken a wrong turn and got to a bad place.'

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Where do we go from here?

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Um...

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-You have to decide, Lockie.

-'Yup. We were truly lost.

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'So how did we get to be in such a bad place?'

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'Some people are lucky.

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'They know where they are and are happy to stay put.

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'Take Mum and Sarge, for example.'

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Milk...bread...

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electrical tape...

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cornflakes...

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Do we need more eggs?

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Our girls are laying them faster than we can eat them!

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-Can't get better than this, can it, Joy?

-Sure can't, Sarge.

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Better write down ice-cream.

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Mum and Sarge didn't need a life map.

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They had reached their ultimate destination - their comfort zone.

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Strawberry or chocolate?

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Morning!

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-Morning!

-What's for breakfast, Mum?

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Devilled fried eggs. My new recipe.

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Excellent. I'm famished! I've been up since the crack!

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You on the verge of a breakthrough?

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I can't reveal too much, but I've almost patented my backscratcher.

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I'll need your support tonight, Mum. Are you on board for snacks?

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I'll make egg sandwiches.

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-I'll need extra pickles to get this one done.

-I'll buy a new jar!

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Sarge, we need to fix that faulty power circuit in the shed.

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I can't risk my work with an unreliable power supply.

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-I'll get it fixed by the end of the school day.

-Perfect.

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Let's see...I finish school by 15:15, home by 15:57.

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-I need to be in my shed by 16:02. Shall we synchronise watches?

-Mm.

-Mm.

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Phillip thought he'd reached his comfort zone, too.

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But actually, he was heading towards a great big danger zone.

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He had become engrossed in equations and experiments.

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He didn't realise he topped the school's Most Wanted list.

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HE WHIMPERS

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BELL RINGS

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That kid...

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must have taken a wrong turn from Weirdsville.

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He's on the approach. Over and out.

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Sorry, Phillip - toilets are closed.

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-It didn't mention that in the newsletter.

-Breaking news.

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Hang on till you get home. 'Or end up with your head down the toilet.'

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It'll do me good to wait.

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Challenging the bladder now reduces the risk of incontinence later.

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But flushing heads down toilets was a bit old school for Kirstina.

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They're more sophisticated.

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-SQUELCH

-Argh!

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And I fell right into their trap.

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But Kirstina wouldn't give up.

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So every afternoon, after school, I'd take the fall for Phillip.

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So Mum and Sarge had reached their comfort zone.

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Phillip was heading for a danger zone.

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So where did that leave Vicki and me?

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This car rally is the highlight of my parents' social calendar.

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-You going away for the whole weekend?

-I go every year.

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You could come with us!

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A weekend together? Perfect!

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'My raging stomach bacteria picked now to tackle Mum's fried eggs.'

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HE FARTS

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'I knew the fallout would be swift and extreme.'

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That is so disgusting, Lockie Leonard!

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She needs oxygen!

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The rally is a big treasure hunt, but in a car.

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'OK... This was weird.

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'Vicki didn't seem to care I'd just trumpeted Mum's egg recipe.'

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-Count me in. Sounds good.

-Cool.

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I guess she was happy with where we were on our map.

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Just like Sarge and Mum. Yeah, we'd reached our comfort zone.

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-Kitten says you're a top navigator, Leonard.

-He's great with maps.

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I'm OK, I guess.

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I need more than OK, son.

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I need someone who can read maps upside down in their sleep.

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-Someone with the hunger to win!

-Lockie loves winning, Daddy.

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And he came first in map-reading at school.

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'That was a slight stretch of the truth! But I could read maps.

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-'And I did have a good sense of direction.'

-Welcome aboard, Leonard.

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And remember - winning is important.

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Because punters like buying cars from a winner. Gives them someone to envy.

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And envy's a wonderful thing.

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It lubricates the purse strings.

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Barry! You're making it sound like we're not going to have fun at all!

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We have great fun, don't we, Vicki?

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We sure do, Mum!

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Hope you like sing-alongs, Leonard.

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'OK, so being stuck in a car with Vicki's parents

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'would be like sticking ants down my pants.

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'But it meant spending the whole weekend with Vicki.'

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Sure, I love sing-alongs.

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Egg, on the other hand, was hopelessly lost.

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GIRLS SHRIEK

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Since Sasha gave Egg a makeover, he didn't know which way to run.

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GIRLS SHRIEK

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The more attention he got, the more uncomfortable he became.

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-Why are you hiding?

-I'm not hiding.

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-They're offering good stuff. Baked goods, homework services...

-Take it!

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-Take my present!

-Take it!

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-Please!

-What do they want in return? You don't get anything for nothing.

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A simple thank you can be enough.

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"Thanks for making me less of a loser, Sasha."

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-"No problem, Egg. My pleasure."

-You reckon?

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You never know until you try, Egg.

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GIRLS: Take mine!

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ALL SHOUT AT ONCE

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I'll have a word with Mr Squasher.

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Can't have Kirstina and her friends wasting good boxes!

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-The box isn't the problem, Sarge. You're the problem. You and Mum.

-Us?

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Stop pampering Phillip.

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We're encouraging him.

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Yeah. To be weird.

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-Weird?

-His best friend's a teacher. He lives in his shed.

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DOOR OPENS Hi, Sarge. Hi, Mum. Nice box, Lockie.

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Extra pickles as promised.

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I got that power problem fixed so you can continue to invent things.

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-How was school?

-Tops, Mum.

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I devised an equation that even Mr Squasher couldn't understand!

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Phillip needs to get a life outside his shed. New interests, friends.

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He'll find interests when he's ready.

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-We can't rush him, it's none of our business.

-It's become MY business.

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You have to encourage him to take a different path.

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Mum...

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Sarge...

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It's time for tough love. I can't be around for ever to take the fall.

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Why? Where are you going to be?

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MR STREETON: Totally watertight.

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The Sirocco 6000 was tested under Amazonian monsoon conditions.

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Not a single leak!

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-Impressive.

-Envy, son.

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Breathe it in. It's the stuff of ambition.

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The Sirocco 6000 has excellent acoustics. Isn't that right, Vicki?

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-The sing-alongs?

-Mum does the entire soundtrack to The Sound Of Music.

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-Isn't that like, two hours?

-Oh, she's very good.

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-She sings all the parts herself and plays the guitar.

-# La la la la! #

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But we get to join in the choruses. Printed out the song sheets.

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And there are costumes, too.

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Vicki's brother wore these when he was a boy. You can get into them.

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Now, Kitten. What do we need from the shops?

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Torches, batteries, mosquito coils, portable shower.

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-We've got everything.

-I don't see any playing cards here.

-Of course.

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-Thanks, Billy-Bob.

-'Cards. Cards are fun. Fish. Twenty-one.

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-'52 Pick-up...'

-Dad likes a game of bridge after a hard day's rallying.

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-Isn't that what old ladies play? For five hours?

-If it's a short game.

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My nana loves her bridge. She says it gives her reason to keep breathing.

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And after bridge we stick cards on our foreheads.

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Then we guess which one we are. ..Are you OK?

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Fine. I'll just get the cards.

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I was trying to avoid a danger zone.

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Mum and Sarge were trying to steer Phillip in a new direction.

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One egg sandwich.

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Keep that brain powering.

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There's no pickles!

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I always have pickle.

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No, sorry. All gone. I don't know how that happened.

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-Perhaps you could pop down the shop, get some more.

-I'll grab an apple.

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Right.

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Yes, well. That is your decision to make.

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On your own. Who am I to interfere?

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But...on second thought...and I'm sorry to have to say this...

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We have no apples. None.

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A banana, then?

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No. All gone. Banana drought.

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-Strawberries?

-Floods. Up north. Wiped them all out. Terrible tragedy.

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I'm behind in my current affairs, aren't I?

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So, trip to the shop, then?

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I think I'll stay here.

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Operation Pickle Jar had failed.

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It was time for Plan B.

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Nooooooooo!

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I've lost power at the most crucial moment!

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Really, Phillip? I thought we'd fixed that circuit.

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Maybe you should...take a break from the shed.

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Until we have a chance to look at it again.

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It's OK, Sarge.

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I have installed a solar-powered battery for emergencies.

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Time to bring out the heavy artillery.

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-No, Sarge. No, not yet.

-Desperate times call for desperate measures.

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If there was one thing Phillip loved more than pickles,

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it was Jelly Babies.

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He'll have new interests in no time, Joy.

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Look left, look right, Phillip. Keep your hood on!

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One day, they'll write a chapter on us in The Good Guide To Parenting.

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Do you really think so, Sarge?

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I guarantee it.

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Power on, Joy.

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But Phillip, he hadn't really travelled anywhere.

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If anything, he was back where he started.

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Tricks, trumps, dummies. Doesn't make any sense.

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Life is full of mysteries. Mum and Sarge are trying to send me away.

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How can Vicki find bridge fun? There are too many rules.

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The rules are based on simple mathematical principles, Lockie.

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They're quite easy to follow.

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Well, for most people.

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Yeah, 100-year-olds with nothing better to do than play card games.

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I can help explain bridge to you if you'd like.

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'But instead, I was so stressed out about Vicki,

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'I decided to explain to Phillip.'

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You know why Mum and Sarge have been acting strangely?

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Because you don't have a live outside your shed.

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-They're trying to give you one.

-I do so have a life!

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-Just like you got friends, eh?

-I've got lots of friends!

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-Name them.

-Well...there's...er...

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There's...Albert... and Leonardo and...

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-Isaac and Benjamin.

-A bunch of dead scientists don't count.

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No wonder the kids from school think you've escaped from Weirdsville.

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Cos you ARE weird.

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I didn't FEEL weird till you just said so!

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I figured being stuck with Vicki's parents was my punishment for that.

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How much further, Leonard?

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-It's a race, Lockie. You have to think faster.

-I'm trying.

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Should be just up ahead.

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There it is - a fork in the tree.

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'So we all drove around in a petrol-guzzling four-wheel drive,'

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looking for a random clue that would lead to another.

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But the most random thing? It was as if Vicki really wanted to win.

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Like her dad.

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You have to try harder, OK, Lockie? It's really important.

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No, it's weird. What happened to us having fun this weekend?

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This IS fun. It's great fun.

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What's not fun about this?

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Between Vicki being into boring, old-person stuff and this,

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it could only mean one thing -

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Vicki wasn't happy where we were on our map after all.

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And perhaps she wanted to change direction towards somewhere...

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well, wrong.

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We've been here before! We're going around in circles, Barry!

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-Which way, Leonard? Victory depends on it!

-Keep your eyes on the road!

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Left! No, right!

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Get it together, Lockie.

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Suddenly, Vicki sounded like someone else entirely.

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For goodness' sake, Barry, choose a direction. Any direction!

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-How can I? I can barely hear myself think!

-Think? That'd be a first!

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-I can barely hear myself think!

-Think? That'd be a first!

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Come on, Lockie, which way from here?

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I wasn't sure. But I did know, suddenly,

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it felt like Vicki's comfort zone was my idea of a danger zone.

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You have to choose, Lockie.

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I think we're lost.

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THEY SIGH

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So here we are, Vicki and I, back where it all started.

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-You got us here, you get us out.

-You dragged us into Oldpeoplesville

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-on the fast track to becoming your parents.

-What?!

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What happened to us hanging out and having fun? Why'd you invite me?

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Because I thought, with you around, my parents wouldn't fight so much.

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I thought it'd be more fun.

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It turned out last year's rally was a nightmare.

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That trophy was as good as mine,

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-right up to the point when you said, "turn left"!

-I said right!

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-I'm turning on the GPS.

-That's cheating!

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Next year, kitten, you're in charge of the map.

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So you mean you're not really into singing The Sound Of Music?

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-I'd rather eat cockroaches.

-And bridge?

-Garden worms.

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I guess you don't want us to be like your parents. Stupid thing to say.

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Yeah. Yeah, it was.

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WIND GUSTS

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VICKI SIGHS

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Well, the map.

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Don't worry. I know where we're going.

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Once I knew Vicki and I were still heading in the same direction,

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we didn't need the map.

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And as for Egg? It was time to make a decision.

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You don't have to be slaving over homework on the weekend.

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Not when Erina's happy to help.

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I love algebra.

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OK. What's the deal? What's she going to want in return?

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Maybe she doesn't want anything. You'll never know unless you try.

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How about a nice cold drink?

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Burger with goulash?

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Thanks.

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And finally, Sasha got what she wanted...

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While Phillip got something he didn't expect.

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I got a friend!

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A friend? As in a real-life little friend?

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Oh!

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That...that's wonderful.

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We must have them over sometime soon.

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Oh, they're here now, just outside, parking the Triumph.

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Triumph?

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Triumph, as in... large motorcycle Triumph?

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As in 500cc of pure grunt.

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-Oh.

-SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

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A friend with grunt.

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Excellent.

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Mum, Sarge, meet Marjorie.

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We share an interest in astronomy.

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-A cup of tea, Marjorie?

-Coffee?

0:19:580:20:02

I could murder a raspberry cordial - straight up, no ice.

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Here's to Pluto.

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After Vicki told me why she invited me,

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it wasn't too hard to endure Mrs Streeton's singing,

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or dress for the occasion.

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-Am I red?

-Yes.

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Or even play cards for five hours straight.

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Not if it meant that Vicki got to experience her parents

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in their comfort zone for a short time.

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One more, you start!

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Fortunately, next morning, I regained my sense of direction

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and with a bit of clever driving from Mr Streeton,

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we all came out a winner.

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Unfortunately, Mr Streeton wasn't near as good packing the car

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as he was driving it.

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Did someone put the trophy in?

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Hi, Kirstina, how's it going? Something I can help you with?

0:21:000:21:04

HORN BEEPS

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That'll be my ride.

0:21:100:21:12

Thanks to his new friend Marjorie, he avoided his danger zone.

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So I gave him a special trophy to celebrate his un-weirdness.

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# Yeah

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# Mm-hm lamb chop

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# So I

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# I want you to know

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# Somethin' about you... #

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Yeah. I reckon this, right here, had to be the best comfort zone around.

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# ..Break it down

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# James Brown... #

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No, I wouldn't be needing a map for a while.

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I was happy exactly where I was.

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# ..James Brown! #

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Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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E-mail [email protected]

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Lockie is invited on a car rally with Vicki's family, where it dawns on him that Vicki appears to want their relationship to head in a new direction. Mum and Sarge try to direct Phillip out of his shed, while Egg is uncomfortable with his new-found popularity.


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