Life Map Lockie Leonard

# Worlds away from anyone

# They were burnin' themselves out in the sun

# Worlds away from anyone

# They were burnin' themselves out in the sun

# There was just enough

# To get that far away

# Doo doo-doo-doo

# Doo doo-doo-doo-ooh-ooh

# Doo doo-doo-doo...

'Maps. They're quite good, really.

'We use them to decide where we're going. Where to turn.

'When to stop.

'All very useful when you're lost.'

-If we double back and take this track...

-We hit the swamp. Turn now.

-And end up in the sand dunes.

-Get us out!

'Unfortunately, it was another kind of map I was needing right now.

'Why couldn't we have maps for life?'

Because Vicki and I had taken a wrong turn and got to a bad place.'

Where do we go from here?

Um...

-You have to decide, Lockie.

-'Yup. We were truly lost.

'So how did we get to be in such a bad place?'

'Some people are lucky.

'They know where they are and are happy to stay put.

'Take Mum and Sarge, for example.'

Milk...bread...

electrical tape...

cornflakes...

Do we need more eggs?

Our girls are laying them faster than we can eat them!

-Can't get better than this, can it, Joy?

-Sure can't, Sarge.

Better write down ice-cream.

Mum and Sarge didn't need a life map.

They had reached their ultimate destination - their comfort zone.

Strawberry or chocolate?

Morning!

-Morning!

-What's for breakfast, Mum?

Devilled fried eggs. My new recipe.

Excellent. I'm famished! I've been up since the crack!

You on the verge of a breakthrough?

I can't reveal too much, but I've almost patented my backscratcher.

I'll need your support tonight, Mum. Are you on board for snacks?

I'll make egg sandwiches.

-I'll need extra pickles to get this one done.

-I'll buy a new jar!

Sarge, we need to fix that faulty power circuit in the shed.

I can't risk my work with an unreliable power supply.

-I'll get it fixed by the end of the school day.

-Perfect.

Let's see...I finish school by 15:15, home by 15:57.

-I need to be in my shed by 16:02. Shall we synchronise watches?

-Mm.

-Mm.

Phillip thought he'd reached his comfort zone, too.

But actually, he was heading towards a great big danger zone.

He had become engrossed in equations and experiments.

He didn't realise he topped the school's Most Wanted list.

HE WHIMPERS

BELL RINGS

That kid...

must have taken a wrong turn from Weirdsville.

He's on the approach. Over and out.

Sorry, Phillip - toilets are closed.

-It didn't mention that in the newsletter.

-Breaking news.

Hang on till you get home. 'Or end up with your head down the toilet.'

It'll do me good to wait.

Challenging the bladder now reduces the risk of incontinence later.

But flushing heads down toilets was a bit old school for Kirstina.

They're more sophisticated.

-SQUELCH

-Argh!

And I fell right into their trap.

But Kirstina wouldn't give up.

So every afternoon, after school, I'd take the fall for Phillip.

So Mum and Sarge had reached their comfort zone.

Phillip was heading for a danger zone.

So where did that leave Vicki and me?

This car rally is the highlight of my parents' social calendar.

-You going away for the whole weekend?

-I go every year.

You could come with us!

A weekend together? Perfect!

'My raging stomach bacteria picked now to tackle Mum's fried eggs.'

HE FARTS

'I knew the fallout would be swift and extreme.'

That is so disgusting, Lockie Leonard!

She needs oxygen!

The rally is a big treasure hunt, but in a car.

'OK... This was weird.

'Vicki didn't seem to care I'd just trumpeted Mum's egg recipe.'

-Count me in. Sounds good.

-Cool.

I guess she was happy with where we were on our map.

Just like Sarge and Mum. Yeah, we'd reached our comfort zone.

-Kitten says you're a top navigator, Leonard.

-He's great with maps.

I'm OK, I guess.

I need more than OK, son.

I need someone who can read maps upside down in their sleep.

-Someone with the hunger to win!

-Lockie loves winning, Daddy.

And he came first in map-reading at school.

'That was a slight stretch of the truth! But I could read maps.

-'And I did have a good sense of direction.'

-Welcome aboard, Leonard.

And remember - winning is important.

Because punters like buying cars from a winner. Gives them someone to envy.

And envy's a wonderful thing.

It lubricates the purse strings.

Barry! You're making it sound like we're not going to have fun at all!

We have great fun, don't we, Vicki?

We sure do, Mum!

Hope you like sing-alongs, Leonard.

'OK, so being stuck in a car with Vicki's parents

'would be like sticking ants down my pants.

'But it meant spending the whole weekend with Vicki.'

Sure, I love sing-alongs.

Egg, on the other hand, was hopelessly lost.

GIRLS SHRIEK

Since Sasha gave Egg a makeover, he didn't know which way to run.

GIRLS SHRIEK

The more attention he got, the more uncomfortable he became.

-Why are you hiding?

-I'm not hiding.

-They're offering good stuff. Baked goods, homework services...

-Take it!

-Take my present!

-Take it!

-Please!

-What do they want in return? You don't get anything for nothing.

A simple thank you can be enough.

"Thanks for making me less of a loser, Sasha."

-"No problem, Egg. My pleasure."

-You reckon?

You never know until you try, Egg.

GIRLS: Take mine!

ALL SHOUT AT ONCE

I'll have a word with Mr Squasher.

Can't have Kirstina and her friends wasting good boxes!

-The box isn't the problem, Sarge. You're the problem. You and Mum.

-Us?

Stop pampering Phillip.

We're encouraging him.

Yeah. To be weird.

-Weird?

-His best friend's a teacher. He lives in his shed.

DOOR OPENS Hi, Sarge. Hi, Mum. Nice box, Lockie.

Extra pickles as promised.

I got that power problem fixed so you can continue to invent things.

-How was school?

-Tops, Mum.

I devised an equation that even Mr Squasher couldn't understand!

Phillip needs to get a life outside his shed. New interests, friends.

He'll find interests when he's ready.

-We can't rush him, it's none of our business.

-It's become MY business.

You have to encourage him to take a different path.

Mum...

Sarge...

It's time for tough love. I can't be around for ever to take the fall.

Why? Where are you going to be?

MR STREETON: Totally watertight.

The Sirocco 6000 was tested under Amazonian monsoon conditions.

Not a single leak!

-Impressive.

-Envy, son.

Breathe it in. It's the stuff of ambition.

The Sirocco 6000 has excellent acoustics. Isn't that right, Vicki?

-The sing-alongs?

-Mum does the entire soundtrack to The Sound Of Music.

-Isn't that like, two hours?

-Oh, she's very good.

-She sings all the parts herself and plays the guitar.

-# La la la la! #

But we get to join in the choruses. Printed out the song sheets.

And there are costumes, too.

Vicki's brother wore these when he was a boy. You can get into them.

Now, Kitten. What do we need from the shops?

Torches, batteries, mosquito coils, portable shower.

-We've got everything.

-I don't see any playing cards here.

-Of course.

-Thanks, Billy-Bob.

-'Cards. Cards are fun. Fish. Twenty-one.

-'52 Pick-up...'

-Dad likes a game of bridge after a hard day's rallying.

-Isn't that what old ladies play? For five hours?

-If it's a short game.

My nana loves her bridge. She says it gives her reason to keep breathing.

And after bridge we stick cards on our foreheads.

Then we guess which one we are. ..Are you OK?

Fine. I'll just get the cards.

I was trying to avoid a danger zone.

Mum and Sarge were trying to steer Phillip in a new direction.

One egg sandwich.

Keep that brain powering.

There's no pickles!

I always have pickle.

No, sorry. All gone. I don't know how that happened.

-Perhaps you could pop down the shop, get some more.

-I'll grab an apple.

Right.

Yes, well. That is your decision to make.

On your own. Who am I to interfere?

But...on second thought...and I'm sorry to have to say this...

We have no apples. None.

A banana, then?

No. All gone. Banana drought.

-Strawberries?

-Floods. Up north. Wiped them all out. Terrible tragedy.

I'm behind in my current affairs, aren't I?

So, trip to the shop, then?

I think I'll stay here.

Operation Pickle Jar had failed.

It was time for Plan B.

Nooooooooo!

I've lost power at the most crucial moment!

Really, Phillip? I thought we'd fixed that circuit.

Maybe you should...take a break from the shed.

Until we have a chance to look at it again.

It's OK, Sarge.

I have installed a solar-powered battery for emergencies.

Time to bring out the heavy artillery.

-No, Sarge. No, not yet.

-Desperate times call for desperate measures.

If there was one thing Phillip loved more than pickles,

it was Jelly Babies.

He'll have new interests in no time, Joy.

Look left, look right, Phillip. Keep your hood on!

One day, they'll write a chapter on us in The Good Guide To Parenting.

Do you really think so, Sarge?

I guarantee it.

Power on, Joy.

But Phillip, he hadn't really travelled anywhere.

If anything, he was back where he started.

Tricks, trumps, dummies. Doesn't make any sense.

Life is full of mysteries. Mum and Sarge are trying to send me away.

How can Vicki find bridge fun? There are too many rules.

The rules are based on simple mathematical principles, Lockie.

They're quite easy to follow.

Well, for most people.

Yeah, 100-year-olds with nothing better to do than play card games.

I can help explain bridge to you if you'd like.

'But instead, I was so stressed out about Vicki,

'I decided to explain to Phillip.'

You know why Mum and Sarge have been acting strangely?

Because you don't have a live outside your shed.

-They're trying to give you one.

-I do so have a life!

-Just like you got friends, eh?

-I've got lots of friends!

-Name them.

-Well...there's...er...

There's...Albert... and Leonardo and...

-Isaac and Benjamin.

-A bunch of dead scientists don't count.

No wonder the kids from school think you've escaped from Weirdsville.

Cos you ARE weird.

I didn't FEEL weird till you just said so!

I figured being stuck with Vicki's parents was my punishment for that.

How much further, Leonard?

-It's a race, Lockie. You have to think faster.

-I'm trying.

Should be just up ahead.

There it is - a fork in the tree.

'So we all drove around in a petrol-guzzling four-wheel drive,'

looking for a random clue that would lead to another.

But the most random thing? It was as if Vicki really wanted to win.

Like her dad.

You have to try harder, OK, Lockie? It's really important.

No, it's weird. What happened to us having fun this weekend?

This IS fun. It's great fun.

What's not fun about this?

Between Vicki being into boring, old-person stuff and this,

it could only mean one thing -

Vicki wasn't happy where we were on our map after all.

And perhaps she wanted to change direction towards somewhere...

well, wrong.

We've been here before! We're going around in circles, Barry!

-Which way, Leonard? Victory depends on it!

-Keep your eyes on the road!

Left! No, right!

Get it together, Lockie.

Suddenly, Vicki sounded like someone else entirely.

For goodness' sake, Barry, choose a direction. Any direction!

-How can I? I can barely hear myself think!

-Think? That'd be a first!

-I can barely hear myself think!

-Think? That'd be a first!

Come on, Lockie, which way from here?

I wasn't sure. But I did know, suddenly,

it felt like Vicki's comfort zone was my idea of a danger zone.

You have to choose, Lockie.

I think we're lost.

THEY SIGH

So here we are, Vicki and I, back where it all started.

-You got us here, you get us out.

-You dragged us into Oldpeoplesville

-on the fast track to becoming your parents.

-What?!

What happened to us hanging out and having fun? Why'd you invite me?

Because I thought, with you around, my parents wouldn't fight so much.

I thought it'd be more fun.

It turned out last year's rally was a nightmare.

That trophy was as good as mine,

-right up to the point when you said, "turn left"!

-I said right!

-I'm turning on the GPS.

-That's cheating!

Next year, kitten, you're in charge of the map.

So you mean you're not really into singing The Sound Of Music?

-I'd rather eat cockroaches.

-And bridge?

-Garden worms.

I guess you don't want us to be like your parents. Stupid thing to say.

Yeah. Yeah, it was.

WIND GUSTS

VICKI SIGHS

Well, the map.

Don't worry. I know where we're going.

Once I knew Vicki and I were still heading in the same direction,

we didn't need the map.

And as for Egg? It was time to make a decision.

You don't have to be slaving over homework on the weekend.

Not when Erina's happy to help.

I love algebra.

OK. What's the deal? What's she going to want in return?

Maybe she doesn't want anything. You'll never know unless you try.

How about a nice cold drink?

Burger with goulash?

Thanks.

And finally, Sasha got what she wanted...

While Phillip got something he didn't expect.

I got a friend!

A friend? As in a real-life little friend?

Oh!

That...that's wonderful.

We must have them over sometime soon.

Oh, they're here now, just outside, parking the Triumph.

Triumph?

Triumph, as in... large motorcycle Triumph?

As in 500cc of pure grunt.

-Oh.

-SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

A friend with grunt.

Excellent.

Mum, Sarge, meet Marjorie.

We share an interest in astronomy.

-A cup of tea, Marjorie?

-Coffee?

I could murder a raspberry cordial - straight up, no ice.

Here's to Pluto.

After Vicki told me why she invited me,

it wasn't too hard to endure Mrs Streeton's singing,

or dress for the occasion.

-Am I red?

-Yes.

Or even play cards for five hours straight.

Not if it meant that Vicki got to experience her parents

in their comfort zone for a short time.

One more, you start!

Fortunately, next morning, I regained my sense of direction

and with a bit of clever driving from Mr Streeton,

we all came out a winner.

Unfortunately, Mr Streeton wasn't near as good packing the car

as he was driving it.

Did someone put the trophy in?

Hi, Kirstina, how's it going? Something I can help you with?

HORN BEEPS

That'll be my ride.

Thanks to his new friend Marjorie, he avoided his danger zone.

So I gave him a special trophy to celebrate his un-weirdness.

# Yeah

# Mm-hm lamb chop

# So I

# I want you to know

# Somethin' about you... #

Yeah. I reckon this, right here, had to be the best comfort zone around.

# ..Break it down

# James Brown... #

No, I wouldn't be needing a map for a while.

I was happy exactly where I was.

# ..James Brown! #

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