The Information Age Lockie Leonard

# Worlds away from anyone

# They were burning themselves out in the sun

# Worlds away from anyone

# They were burning themselves out in the sun

# There was just enough to get that far away

# Ooh... #

'Every year, around birthday time,

'there's a day that starts out seriously weird.

'Unfortunately, it doesn't look like this.

'Looks more like this.'

Mum, can you please just take the photo? I'm getting lockjaw here.

It is possible you could undermine

the air of casual naturalism you're after, Joy.

Yes. All right. OK. Good.

'Before every birthday, Mum mails a letter

'and photos of us to Nan and Pop.

'She's careful to give them the right amount of information,

'just in case they want more, and come looking for it,

'in person.'

Lockie's birthday's coming up soon.

Which one is he again?

The taller one, I think.

That baby's still crawling! This is 18 months old!

It isn't natural.

Perhaps we should pay them another visit?

Oh, whatever for?

They know what we look like in a photo.

Yes.

'Here's the question.

'How much information is too much information?'

That's too much information.

Pop's just keeping us up to date with his sporting activities,

-right, Joy?

-Right.

Nice t-shirt.

'Too much information is all the stuff

'you'd really rather not know about, like...'

I've got 17 pimples on my backside,

and if you join the dots with a crayon,

they spell "hot pants."

Joy, I think it's time we kissed passionately

in front of the children.

So it is!

'That's the concept of too much information for you.

'But at the same time,

'is there such a thing as not enough information?

'It seemed Vicki thought so.'

'Dear Lockie. Heaps of stuff's happened since I last wrote to you.

'If you want to know all about it,

'you'll need to check out my HeadSpace page on the internet.

'It was the fifth letter since Vicki went to boarding school.

'Every one talked about how great the internet is,

'and how I was missing out because I wasn't on it.

'I think she was trying to tell me something.'

My birthday wish list.

Look, I'm...

I'm not sure we need a computer in this house, Lockie.

What would we use it for?

We could use it to help with school work, send e-mails,

maybe get ourselves a HeadSpace page.

-What's a HeadSpace page?

-I don't know, but I want one.

Everyone else is zooming along on the information superhighway,

-and we're being left behind.

-The thing about computers -

I'm not sure I completely trust them.

It is a bit like inviting the rest of the world into the house.

What's wrong with that?

Where would they all sleep?

Wire strippers.

Wire strippers.

Soldering iron.

Soldering iron.

Cordial.

Cordial.

Looking good.

Oh, yes.

I'm going in.

Ms Archer came to my place last night for dinner.

A teacher came to your house?

With a pavlova.

Pavlova. This is serious.

I knew something was wrong as soon as Dad put on the apron.

-Pavlova, great.

-Yes, pavlova.

-Whoa!

-Whoops!

Excellent, you've bought your recorder. Please, come in.

Hello, Geoffrey.

Good afternoon, Ms Archer.

I know I'm your teacher,

but when we're out of school, I'd love it if you'd call me Leoni.

'She wanted me to call her Leoni.'

-You can't speak to her like she's a person, she's a teacher.

-I know.

-So what did you call her?

-Nothing. There's no way

she's getting a Leoni out of me.

-Was the pavlova good?

-Ask someone who ate it.

Your, erm... Your clothes are excellent.

Thank you. I like your vest.

I've got a whole range of vests, I swear.

-One of them's made out of recycled plastic bags.

-I'd like to see that.

Mum made that vest.

-Pardon?

-Mum, you remember her? About this tall,

dark hair, good at welding?

I believe she's in Scandinavia now.

Yeah, Mum won the Gertrude Stein fellowship

at the University of Stockholm.

-They've asked her to be a professor.

-Who has?

The...the University head boss dude.

He says she's the best heavy metal sculptor in Norway.

Stockholm's in Sweden.

Yeah. Yeah, she's big there too.

THEY PLAY A GENTLE FOLK TUNE

HE SIGHS

HEAVY METAL IS TURNED UP

'The sound of Rev jamming with a teacher

'was way too much information for Egg.'

TUNE FINISHES

Oh, yeah! THEY BOTH LAUGH

Ready?

-Ta-da!

-Happy birthday, Lockie.

It's a day early.

Is it all right if I'm still wondering what...it is?

It's a computer!

Is it pedal-powered(?)

-MARJORIE:

-No! That's just to keep fit while you're using it.

That was Marjorie's idea.

Can we keep it?

These are the computer rules.

One...

The computer stays IN the lounge room...

..Where we can see it.

-Unless you're outside.

-Corr...

Two...

A maximum of 30 minutes' computer time

per child, per day.

-LOCKIE SCOFFS

-30 minutes(?)

We thought we'd err on the side of generosity.

Three...

You must tell us which...

..homewebs you're dialling up.

-Websites?

-Yes. Those as well.

That is all.

'So Phillip and Marjorie dragged the Leonard family

'onto the information superhighway.'

Nice!

'Sure - we may not have been in the fastest lane on the highway...

'but I COULD share more information with Vicki.'

Hi to my HeadSpace friends -

I thought you'd like to know that the other day

I had a seriously evil maths test.

2 hours, 300 questions,

and...I got a B.

This is the dress that I wore to the Redmont College ball.

Isn't it cool?

I came first in the bonsai papier mache competition.

Which is weird - cos my artistic talent is microscopic.

Now you've seen my life, where's yours?

It's here.

-In Angelus.

-But when are you going to build a HeadSpace page

and show me?

-MARJORIE:

-Cupcake, Lockie?

-Are you real?

Of course I am!

Thanks.

Thanks, Marge. Love your work.

GATE BANGS OUTSIDE

No... That can't be Nan and Pop!

Oh, no... They've got knapsacks.

How long do you think they're planning on staying?

They didn't even say they were coming - it's not right!

I know it's not, but they ARE your parents.

Boys...? Prepare to be artificially welcoming.

POP GASPS

We've walked 30 kilometres in two days.

-MUM LAUGHS UNEASILY

-Why, for heaven's sake?

A charity walk. For people with plastic hips.

Oh... So, how long do you think you'll stay?

A couple of days' rest before moving on.

Er - could you turn that off, Dad?

Do you have any lemonade?

Here you are...

And while you're at it, have one of my cupcakes.

My secret recipe.

Nan, Pop - meet my best friend...

..Marjorie?

'This was old information. Nan knew who Marjorie was.'

"Phillip, with his friend Marjorie,

"and the de Havilland Mosquito fighter bomber Mk VI

"which they built...together"(?)

-I don't believe it!

-Nor me either.

After the Mk V, de Havilland ceased production of the bomber

and concentrated on the night fighter.

Everybody knows that!

Pop...pack the knapsacks.

We're going to Angelus.

Dad's not home.

I came to see you, Geoffrey.

What for?

I think we need to talk.

OK...

-Do you know how to turn off the mower?

-Yeah...

Would you...please turn it off?

MOWER STOPS

Well... That's a bit better.

-I'm sorry to interrupt you.

-Yep.

Just a thought - since you didn't eat any pavlova last night, I...

thought you might like to try something else.

Cheesecake!

It's a bit early for me.

The thing is, I like your dad.

-Quite a lot, actually.

-Well - better get back to the mowing.

I know you miss your mum.

And I don't want to...

you know, replace her, I just...

Anyway, I'm... pleased we had this chat.

I-I'll just leave this here...

MOWER FAILS TO START

I don't know what to say.

Just explain what you're doing to help the child reach her milestones.

Milestones?

HE SIGHS Do I have to spell it out?!

Walking, Joy. Our family are all great walkers.

-This one's letting the side down.

-No...!

-She's just taking her time.

-How much more can she possibly need?

Can you turn that thing off, please?

I thought you'd like to document the child's progress

in audiovisual form.

Excuse me.

Just for a second.

See what I found beside Phillip's bed...?

Evidence.

"Age is just a state of mind."

I've never heard anything more absurd.

Look at the signature.

It's from HER.

"Yours scientifically...Marjorie."

You're not going to turn this into a competition, Nan?

Competition?!

I wouldn't even consider something so undignified.

Cupcake, darling?

No thanks, Nan. Maybe later.

Why not have one now?

Well...

I'm a bit full.

-But they look delicious.

-They are. It's the extra bran.

So - you won't need to get your cupcakes

-anywhere else now, will you?

-No...I guess not.

Good boy!

'Nan trying to be friends with Phillip?'

'Way too much information for him.'

-MUM:

-Lockie...

-KNOCKING

-Lockie!

What are you doing?

Oh, you know... Hanging out with the washing machine.

What are YOU doing? It's a beautiful day, you should go to the beach.

Blob and I can come with you, if you like.

I would, but I have to collect information for my HeadSpace page.

-What kind of information?

-Anything going.

But I need a video camera.

Hmm. I think I can organise one of those.

This is Angelus Beach.

I come here a lot.

And this is my board,

and...my wax.

Is that all you're going to say?

What else should I say?

I don't know, man. It's your life.

This is Egg. He's my best friend.

Say hello, Egg.

Lockie...

Vicki knows this stuff already.

'Egg had a point. Vicki knew just about everything about me.

'I had to find some new information. But what?'

This is the grass at the front of my house.

It's probably a bit longer since you last saw it. Good, eh?

This is the T-shirt I wore last weekend.

Still haven't put it in the wash. Hmm. Should do that.

This is some of what we're having for dinner.

Broccoli. Interesting.

Hey! That's my camera!

KNOCK AT DOOR

Geoffrey... This cheesecake is spectacular. D'you want some?

No. It would be a betrayal.

A betrayal?

-Of whom?

-Mum.

-Why?

-I don't want you to hang out with Ms Archer any more.

She's a space invader.

-I don't understand.

-It's like...

she sees a space, and she invades it.

And she's not allowed to.

This is Mum's space. Not hers.

But...don't you want me to be happy?

'In this moment,

'Egg knew he couldn't stop his dad from hanging out with Ms Archer.'

Whatever you want, Dad.

Mr Eggleston...

Is there anything

you'd like to share?!

It wasn't me.

No(?)

When it was you who unlawfully imprisoned Ms Archer in her classroom

only a week ago!

-Yeah, but I...

-I don't want your excuses!

I want a confession!

'But Egg had nothing to confess.

'Technically, it was the fire drill's fault.

FIRE BELL RINGING

Mr Squasher...

I'm sure Geoffrey wasn't involved in this.

'This was worse than the cheesecake.

'Ms Archer standing up for Egg?

'It felt like an even bigger space invasion.'

Come on, then... Let's hear it!

'And if Egg couldn't stop his dad from hanging out with Ms Archer,

'he figured this was the next best thing.'

I did it.

And I'd do it again tomorrow.

'Even if it meant using false information.'

Marjorie! This is seriously good French toast.

I changed the egg/milk ratio,

as you suggested.

I knew it!

-Hi, Nan...

-You said you wouldn't get your cupcakes from anyone else.

This is French toast.

I'll bet it is.

So... Now you've got yourself a new nan,

I suppose you don't want the old one cramping your style.

Sorry?

Well, sometimes "sorry" just isn't enough.

I...don't quite understand.

It's OK, Marge. I'll deal with this.

So...! Now it's "Marge", is it?!

-Nan - it's not what you think.

-Don't take me for a fool, Lockie.

Phillip...

That's what I said.

It's just French toast. It doesn't mean anything.

It may be "just French toast" to you -

but to me it's bread soaked in treachery.

Don't worry, Phillip.

She needs to be on her own.

'Nan and Pop were in our beds,

'so Phillip and I got the lounge room.

'Normally that'd be a serious pain,

'but tonight I was glad to be near the computer.

'Cos I really needed to know if Vicki was still talking to me

'after all that boring stuff I'd put on my HeadSpace page.

'I just had to wait for midnight to roll around

'so I could use my next half-hour of computer time.'

Hey, Lockie.

I love the stuff on your HeadSpace page.

You like that stuff? Really?

Yeah. Amazing.

I had broccoli for dinner too.

And the grass out the front of your house - wow.

It must have grown at least seven millimetres since I last saw it.

So when are you going to put some more stuff up?

'I couldn't decide what was weirder -

'Vicki not hating the information on my HeadSpace page,

'or her wanting more.'

Happy birthday, Lockie...

ALL: Happy birthday, Lockie!

Thanks...

POP: Good in all weather, those.

A friend for life.

-UNENTHUSIASTICALLY:

-My favourite colour. How'd you know?

From your mother and I...

A camera!

Thanks, Mum. Thanks, Sarge.

What a good idea.

Second-hand, but the bloke in the shop says it's the best.

Three years ago.

Well, it's all charged up and ready to go.

So now there's no excuse

for you not putting information on your SpaceHead interpage.

This is Mum and Phillip, walking to school.

This is the bus stop, where I sometimes catch the bus to the shops

instead of riding my bike...

Lockie, can I ask you something?

Do you really think that Vicki - and the world, for that matter -

would find this information useful?

I mean - surely you and Vicki don't discuss these kind of...

-..Boring, mundane...

-..Trivial things in person?

'Suddenly, I realised Mum was right.'

Mum...

maybe half-an-hour internet time per day is a bit too generous after all.

'This was the first time I'd ever worked out something before Vicki.

'After school, it was my birthday picnic -

'and everyone was invited.

'But according to Nan...

'..not everyone was welcome.'

WILD WEST SHOWDOWN MUSIC

This is a family-only event.

What about Egg?

Egg...?

I've had quite enough of you and your food!

Maybe you and I should go for a walk.

A walk...?

Will they be OK alone?

They're OK. This is something they need to work out by themselves.

A nice cold drink, darling?

Marjorie says I should be seeing more of my grandchildren.

Not just sending letters and photos.

Sure, Nan. But only if you really feel that you have to.

Oh, yes, of course!

Look...!

'Trust Blob to upstage me at my own birthday party.'

Maybe you should put THAT on your HeadSpace page.

'I thought about it -

'but in the end, there are some things which belong in the moment,

'and not on the internet.'

'And those - they're the coolest,

'most important bits of information of all.'

BLOB GIGGLES

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