The Big Bling M.I. High

The Purple Star...

Don't you just want to feel it, smell it, taste it?

-It'd make a good paperweight.

-Nigel! Thanks to my criminal mastermind,

we have seven of the eight biggest diamonds in Britain.

The only one left? The Koh-i-Noor diamond!

We're to steal the Koh-i-Noor diamond from the Tower Of London?

And then...for every insult, every put-down,

every time I've been made to look an idiot,

every time I've been ignored... It'll be zap!

Zap! Zappety zap-zap-zap-zap-zap-zap!

-It will go "zap", won't it?

-Mm.

The 21st century faces a new threat.

The old-school spies have had their day.

MI9 needs a new breed of skilled undercover agent.

Hidden in a place no villain would think to look...

Welcome to M.I. High.

Why do all footballers insist on being models?

That guy wears more jewellery than my mum.

Lift your leg over OVER 90 degrees. It's all about angles.

Poor Stewart, getting football lessons from a girl!

Nice football boots, Rose. Oh, sorry, they're your normal shoes.

Good shoe insult.

-I'd give it...six out of ten?

-Hmm, I'd give it a five.

Well, what do you think?

Hmm...yeah.

You don't think it's a little too... subtle, maybe? As laser cannons go.

Mr B, we're running out of the smaller diamonds. You see...

Hold on! Is this going to get technical? Continue.

For the eight big diamonds to unleash maximum power,

we need to channel sunlight into them.

And the more small diamonds we have the better?

Yes. But even then we need the Koh-i-Noor diamond to go there.

-But we'll never break into the Tower of London.

-Yes!

But we might not have to.

ELECTRONIC BLEEPING

-'Hello, it's the Queen here.'

-You've bugged Buckingham Palace?!

'These ghastly diamond thefts...

'Everyone knows one's crown jewels are at the Tower,

'so for security I want them moved immediately to St Hope's School.'

A school?

-Why would the Queen send her diamonds there?!

-Who cares?

We'll go to this St Hope's, steal the diamond, and then...

Kaboom! Kaboom or zap, I haven't decided yet.

Before you got to know me, I bet you thought I was a dork.

-Er, still do.

-It's the same with Stewart.

If you get to know him, he's cool.

Now I have got a DVD for you to watch.

THEY GROAN

Yes, I know, but this is a very important campaign.

Play!

Hi. I'm Ben Lacey.

GIRLS SCREAM

Being England Captain, I get to wear a lot of bling.

But more bling means more crime.

-Hey!

-(Let go!)

That's why I'm travelling to schools everywhere

-for my Sling Your Bling campaign.

-Please just stick to football.

A Bling Bin. Sling your bling in one of these,

and don't be a target for thieves. So come on, do the right thing...

Sling Your Bling!

And that is exactly what I hope you'll all be doing

when Ben Lacey visits St Hope's tomorrow.

GIRLS SCREAM

Sling my bling?

He can sling his hook.

Just keep breathing.

BUZZING

BLEEPING

WHIRRING AND RINGING

Woh! Is that a di...a di...? Sorry, I can't speak.

-We need more of these.

-Ahem.

Seven of the eight biggest diamonds in Britain have been stolen,

-including the Purple Star of Edinburgh.

-That's serious bling!

This is the only famous diamond left, the Koh-i-Noor diamond

of the crown jewels. The Queen has sent it here for safe keeping.

The number one suspect for the thefts is England captain

-and diamond collector, Ben Lacey.

-No way! Lacey's like Mr Charity.

And there's his Sling Your Bling campaign.

So why are the schools in his campaign all near the thefts?

And he "just happens" to be visiting St Hope's?

-He must've known the diamond was here.

-Gadgets.

Here. The very latest in vehicle surveillance,

and a stressometer to use on Lacey when he arrives.

Great. The one time I get to meet the hottest guy on the planet...

CHEERING AND SCREAMING

When we do catch him, you can be first to put the handcuffs on.

-Critchley, what ARE you wearing?

-My England strip.

Looks more like the over-80s England knitting team!

My Gran would be gutted if I didn't wear them.

CHANTING: We want Ben! We want Ben!

-Kaboom! Zappety zap-zap-zap!

-Hellooo? Ben?

-We're at St Hope's!

-Ere, catch.

Relax, little bruv! I'm going to sign it for the kids.

My brother doesn't want any panic, so just form a nice, orderly...

SCREAMING

-Sorry, do you mind?

-Excuse me... Mr Lacey!

Kenneth Flatley, head teacher.

Can you sign this for me, please?

"To Mrs Lacey..." Oh, no, I mean, Ms Templeman.

Aw, this pen don't even work.

Maybe if you took the top off?

Clever. Turns up, acts dumb, no-one suspects he's a diamond thief.

Well, all right, children. If you can all go back into school, please.

I'm sure Mr Lacey will come and visit you all. Let him through.

How ARE those two brothers?

Remember - wait till Lacey makes a move, then strike.

CAMERA CLICKS

The bus is clean. No gadgets, no diamonds.

-Here you are.

-I'll hand those out if you like.

-What's your name? Dizzy.

ALL LAUGH

Dizzy! Dizzy! Dizzy!

I'll do it. I'm ambidextrous so I'll do it twice as fast.

GROANS

Thought that would shut 'em up.

If he turns red, he's stressed.

Ask him something only the thief would know about.

-Yes, Dizzy?

-I know you don't wear diamonds any more,

but did you ever have one as big as, say, the Purple Star?

Dunno! I had a purple car once. Or was it green? Yellow?

-He's not stressed. Maybe he's just a good liar, that's all.

-Now Ben,

I wanted to be the first to kick things off and sling my bling.

Anyway, maybe it's a little bit fancy for a single woman...

I'm going to nip to the toilet.

-Or look for a diamond?

-Julian? You going to sling your Bling?

ALL CHANT: Sling it! Sling it! Sling it!

Erm...!

Leave Ben alone, you two.

'Inside, now!'

Rose, we've lost Lacey and can't get away. But he's on the move.

Great! We've got a camera down.

Lacey knows the diamond's here.

-First thing I'd do is take out the cameras.

-How? I can't even see him.

He's jamming them somehow.

-He's closer to the storeroom.

-Unlock the door.

If he finds this place we can catch him red-handed.

Nigel, I found a storage room and a shedload of surveillance cameras.

I wonder...

He can't have found it. He's not coming down.

Nothing but junk!

I need to catch him using that camera jammer.

Hello...Ben? Time to go.

We have another school to visit at 12, photo shoot at three,

choosing your latest hairstyle at four...

I was going to suggest bald with a little green tuft.

We'll go when I'm ready. 'Ere, boys, give my brother a go!

But you know I can't... No!

Sorry, bruv, I couldn't resist.

I'll tell 'em we're leaving.

A remote-surveillance jammer. No wonder he got all those diamonds.

With the cameras down we've no proof it's Lacey's.

We scared him off, or he doesn't think the diamond's here.

He's leaving!

One small step for man, one giant leap for the posse.

-I'm sorry, Ben really has to go.

-Oh, Reginald the spoilsport. Boo!

Being a football megastar, he's really busy.

Ever wondered what you'll be like when you grow up?!

-I hate how Lacey treats his brother.

-Just like you treat Stewart?

What now? We need proof Lacey was here to steal the diamond, or fail.

Daisy, you're always thinking.

All you've done is swoon over him.

-Mr Lacey! Mr Lacey! You can't go yet.

-Why not?

Because... Because you haven't seen Stewart play football.

He's a genius. He could play for England one day.

You mean there's some talent at St Hope's?

Please don't go! I mean, for Stewart.

Hello?! Clock's ticking, people!

Come on, bruv, I was spotted playing footie at school.

Excellent.

I'll organise a football match right away.

Stewart...some good news...

You'll make Stewart look like an idiot in front of the whole school!

I didn't mean to.

Daisy said WHAT?!

Does no-one respect me?

I've searched the school. There's no secret storage!

But the diamonds were coming here!

She must have known about us and sent me here on a wild-goose chase.

I lined the bus with a sub-particle rayon deflector for nothing?

If anyone scanned us, it'd look just like a normal bus.

My idiot brother will think this is just a stop on his campaign.

He was going to leave cos he couldn't find HQ?

So how do we not make it obvious we're on to him?

Somehow Lacey knew the Queen's diamond was coming here.

If he's clever enough to make this, maybe he tapped her phone.

Sorry, but I need to help Stewart.

Don't worry, I'm onto it.

If Lacey sees how bad Stewart is, he'll be gone in no time.

Just get a visual on Lacey.

OK, I've hooked you to Buckingham Palace.

Now to give Lacey something!

At least the Bling Bin's full.

Of sweet wrappers.

Eugh! It says bling, not ming!

I found some real diamonds.

With these on the laser, it'll be even more powerful.

-Powerful enough to... destroy a mansion?

-No, not quite...

Isn't that your brother's house?

Yes, Nigel. If I hadn't rung that football scout when he was 12,

he would've been nowhere.

I get him to football on time, I make him look good on the videos.

-He can't even sign his own NAME without me!

-Never mind,

soon we'll have the ultimate power.

Yes, Nigel! Then the legend that I created, I'M going to destroy!

Or...we could use the laser on something less...weird.

We had a deal. You keep the diamonds, I choose what we zap.

My genius paid for Ben's mansion. And he won't even let me live there.

Hello? Hello?

'It's the Queen here.

'Could one put one through to Leonard Bicknall?'

-Lickety-split.

-Just putting you on hold, Your Majesty.

Someone's listening all right!

Oh, Ben, I was just thinking, if Stewart really is amazing

maybe Nice'll do a feature on it.

Me and you on the front cover, obviously.

It can't be Lacey tapping the Queen.

-'He's here with Templeman.'

-Ha! I knew it! He IS innocent.

-Must be working with someone.

-Ben's brother, Reginald?

He's not tapping the phone from the bus. It would show.

-Unless he's jammed the scanner too.

-MI9 here, Your Majesty.

-Sorry to keep you waiting.

-'Yes. Don't do it again.'

'So how can I help you?'

This secret facility, at St Hope's, where my diamond's being kept.

-It IS safe?

-Of course. It's in an old World War One bunker, Ma'am.

'230 feet below the school.'

'230 feet? That sounds marvellous. DO carry on!'

-The diamond's under the school! Under the school!

-Mr B...

How do we break into a place 230 feet below ground?

Kaboom!

Rose, wait for Reginald here.

Daisy, check out the campaign bus.

What about Ben Lacey? Can you keep him busy?

If he thinks Stewart can play. These shin pads have incapacitators

and inside this whistle is a high-pitched sonic oscillator.

Just high enough not to burst any eardrums.

And put THAT behind the goal.

There you are, boys. Shin pads...

Play for England?!

This'll be the most embarrassing day of my life!

-Julian, you call.

-Heads, please.

-It's tails. Kick-off or ends, James?

-Kick-off.

All right.

Julian?

Here, present from Rose.

-Ear plugs?

-All the best players wear them for concentration.

Yellow team to kick off. So, if everybody's ready...?

Bicknall?! What ARE you...?

My old Granddad refereed with it.

-Might bring Stewart some luck.

-Right.

So, if everybody's ready?

WHISTLE BLOWS

HIGH-PITCHED SCREECH

What you waiting for?

Reginald's not here. But he's been tapping phones all right.

And there's drawings of jewellery.

Actually, might not be jewellery.

Whatever Lacey and his brother have built, we have to keep them apart.

-Huh! Too easy!

-Please don't go!

-Rose, Lacey's on the move. Do something, quick!

Activating the shin pads.

Not sure what they'll do...

Aw, what...?! I can't move!

Nice tackle.

< Free kick!

I warned you, Julian.

Are they allowed to do that?

I can't find Reginald.

Either he's looking for HQ or...

Mr B, there's a huge gap in the rock about 230 feet below us.

-The secret MI9 facility.

-And what must be the Koh-i-Noor diamond.

We need to harness as much sunlight as possible.

But I don't know if it's got enough power yet, Mr B.

Laser primed.

Stu's taking the free kick. He'll never score!

I lined the ball with an ultra-magnetic mesh.

-And the sports bag I put behind the goal?

-A big electromagnet.

Yes! YES! He did it! It's a goal! It's a goal!

Wasn't it brilliant?!

Forget the Big Bang. Try the Big Bling!

Hey, you!

-No-one points a big...laser thingy at my school!

-Hm. Fair do's.

Guess organic fruit does go off quicker.

So how about a place on my youth training camp?

-You're kidding?

-Bend it like Beckham? They wanna curve it like Critchley.

Youth training camp? For stealing diamonds?

'Ere... Isn't that my brother?

What's he doing with that big freaky zappy thingy?

You really don't know, do you?

Wait! You ARE Ben's brother?

Reginald?

The name's Mr B! B for bling, B for you better believe it, baby!

OK. Issues. And these are about your brother?

All my life I've lived in the shadow of Mr Perfect.

He doesn't treat you THAT great.

It's time the world met a new me,

who'll soon have the power to blast everything Ben has into smithereens!

And you'll get respect?

-You get respect by being a nice person.

-Hm...

Kind of prefer the whole blasting-everything-he-owns thing.

-Reggie, wait!

-DON'T call me Reggie!

You DO do everything for me.

So come and live with me, at the mansion.

-Really? You really want me there?

-Yeah, I was gonna show you...

Look, I've got you your own motor-home.

You can live on the driveway. What d'you say, Reggie?

-The name's MR B!

-Rose, activate muscle incapacitators!

What?! Woh! What's happening?!

No! No! It's all your fault!

Remember you have a haircut at four.

Uh... YOU look like a boy who likes diamonds.

Oogh!

So Sling Your Bling was Reginald collecting diamonds for his laser?

I feel sorry for Reggie. He just needed his brother.

Ah, the wasted talents of the master criminal.

And I guess that goes back to the Queen, huh?

One wants one to sling one's bling?

All RIGHT, she can have it back.

SHE SOBS Yes, but I wanted to be a WAG!

What, all the money, showbiz parties, fancy clothes?

No, you're much better off here at St Hope's.

No way. You gave your place on Ben Lacey's training camp to Blane?

I don't even like football. And Blane deserves it way more.

-Wow. I wish I had a best friend like you.

-Yeah, me too.

OK, I admit it, he is quite cool.

If I did go, I wouldn't have time for chess club.

In a geeky kind of way.