Asteroid Attack M.I. High

Ahem. The end of the earth is nigh!

Warnings were ignored and now mankind must pay the price.

This asteroid will soon crash into the planet as was prophesised.

But fear not, for there will be a New Gold Dawn.

A perfect world without mankind!

The contents of this video must remain confidential, Prime Minister.

The need to avoid panic...

And the asteroid will definitely destroy the Earth?

Unless we can stop it?

Oh, yes.

Oh, phooey.

Oh, phooey indeed, Prime Minister.

The 21st century faces a new kind of threat.

The old school spies have had their day,

and MI9 must create a new breed of skilled undercover agent.

Hidden in a place no villain will think to look.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

Welcome to MI High.

Today is all about a dense object of enormous size.

Fifty Pence!

I'm talking about the Asteroid K13.

13km of solid rock.

Can anyone tell me more?

Julian?

A giant dinosaur made the asteroids extinct?

Rose?

This afternoon, K13 will pass within 4,000 miles of the Earth.

A once in a lifetime chance to see an asteroid so close.

4,000 miles! Pretty close for something deadly!

It will fly harmlessly overhead, as you'll see depicted in our dance.

The local paper is on the way to report our dance extravaganza

and photo the children with the asteroid.

Don't worry, the rehearsal is all going smoothly!

-No way am I wearing this!

-Girls!

Come and show Mr Flatley your costumes.

Letitia is K13, Zara is the sun, Daisy is the Earth.

We look huge!

I constructed them according to planetary mass.

I'll leave you to it...

Bicknall the phantom caretaker has vanished again.

BLEEPING

This tape was received by the Prime Minister's office this morning.

The end of the earth is nigh!

Warnings were ignored and now mankind must pay the price...

This has to be a hoax sent by some kook? Right?

This asteroid will crash into the planet...

Ms Templeman said the asteroid would pass overhead,

not turn us into a giant cinder!

..a new gold dawn.

Sorry, Daisy, this is for real.

If K13 hit Earth, it would cause devastation.

Dust clouds, tsunamis, winds...

And a great big hole.

Doesn't the UK have the world's most advanced asteroid defence?

We did, until Doctor Von Quark vanished, along with all his work.

Von who?

Von Quark IS the defence programme. His work on asteroids is well known.

So the bald guy kidnapped Von Quark?

Possibly. There was no ransom note, only the video.

A real life disaster movie.

The Government's launched a missile to destroy K13.

Why didn't you say so?

Von Quark's missile guidance system took years.

Without it, the missile has a slim chance of success.

So this Dr Von Whatsit is the only person who can stop the asteroid?

I am so not hearing this.

The launch is in thirty minutes. You must keep this to yourselves.

The giant rock of destiny speeds ever closer, the world is powerless!

If only those shortsighted penpushers had heeded your words...

It's the end of the world and we can't even tell anyone!

That asteroid's going to get blitzed, no worries!

'You're through to Linus Millar. Leave your message after the tone.'

Hi Dad, uh, sorry to bother you,

I just wanted to say, um, hi...

From what you say, he's a busy man. He'll call.

Will he?

An asteroid bound for earth?

We must contact our government mole immediately!

Taybridge.

Taybridge, this asteroid...

Yes. I was going to tell you about that.

When, exactly?

I have been rather busy, with it being the end of the world.

So it's true!

What's the point of paying an informant who doesn't 'inform'?

You've got an underground lair.

Won't you be safe in that?

You startled me, Prime Minister.

It's time. COBRA officials are arriving for the emergency meeting.

Dear Taybridge,

trusted advisor, we will come through this, won't we?

Without Von Quark, it's a shot in the dark.

But we won't be in the dark.

Check out the picture quality!

Blane, before I forget, I downloaded this week's conspiracy club movie,

Asteroid of Doom.

Classic fifties sci-fi.

Very topical.

Word is there's a government cover up and K13's gonna hit Earth.

Maybe they're right.

What? You don't think I'm mad?

When we said the dance would be huge,

we didn't mean the costumes should be too.

You have to change them!

I don't have time.

Well, make time, Geekoid!

PHONE RINGS

Your dad'll be in touch. Trust me.

The missile launch!

The moment is at hand.

Cry God for Harry, England and St George!

Wait for applause, read next card...

Er, the fate of the world is in safe hands.

British hands!

Come on! Let's blast that overgrown rock-cake to pieces.

'Missile launched.

'10, 9,

'8, 7, 6,

'5,

'4, 3,

'2, 1.

'Off target.

'Asteroid unaffected.'

Right, our mission's clear.

We have to find Von Quark.

We have three hours.

The video's got to be our starting point.

Whoever kidnapped Von Quark wanted the asteroid to hit.

Who'd want that?

Someone who wants the world to end. A cult?

The guy in the video mentioned something about a prophesy.

I'll test for fingerprints and info on the tape.

-Daisy, I know this is a lot to get your head around.

-I'm OK.

I'll concentrate on profiling Von Quark.

I've got everything you need, Prime Minister.

How many pairs of socks?

Three or four. Warm ones for evenings.

The climate will be altered by the impact.

-I'm ahead of you on that one, Taybridge.

-Oh dear.

PHONE RINGS

Excuse me.

-Taybridge.

-What's going on?

Just because it's Doomsday, you don't return my calls?

We're leaving... for a secret bunker.

Secret bunker? Secret bunker! Where is it?

It's a secret. You have to be a VIP, not the world's most wanted!

This is corruption of the most disgraceful kind.

So, a place in the bunker, what will it cost?

Ah.

I've found a cult based on asteroids.

The Order of the New Gold Dawn.

"Gold Dawn"? That's the phrase from the tape.

They're run by a bloke called Reverend Isombard Septimus Nye.

Our egg-head kidnapper.

We need to find where they're based.

I wondered how the asteroid was filmed so close up.

Look, on the table. A lens calibration device.

It's unique to large telescopes.

The video must have been shot in an observatory.

Great lead, team. I'll update the Prime Minster.

Where is everyone?

Looks like the Prime Minister's done a bunk.

Left the fate of the world to us?

-The Government wouldn't do that.

-Wake up, Rose, they've gone.

We can't stop an asteroid, but Von Quark can.

I'm gonna go to his house.

The kidnapper must have left some kind of trail.

PHONE RINGS

-Dad.

-Daisy. I'm at the gates.

-You're where?

-Come and meet me now.

OK, I'll be right there.

Think of the panic!

Those fools in the government will be wishing there were some way out.

You gave them their chance and they blew it!

Ha ha ha ha!

Dad! Why are you here?

The asteroid everyone is talking about... it's going to hit Earth.

My contacts have got us a place in a secret bunker.

It's miles below ground.

What about my friends?

Sorry, we're lucky to get a place ourselves.

there isn't room for everybody. Come on. We must hurry.

Darling, please.

Bicknall?

Sir, sir, you have to listen!

All the signs are there.

Ministers leaving, communications shutting down.

It's going to be a catastrophe!

It will be if we get an embarrassing write up in the Gazette!

Miss, it's about the asteroid!

I'll be glad when it's over.

Daisy is missing, and we can't rehearse without Earth.

If no-one listens, there won't be Earth!

And if I don't find Daisy, there won't be a dance performance.

We have to start building an asteroid-proof bunker, now!

That's not a bad plan, boy,

you might need this.

-It seems Daisy has changed her plans without telling us.

-No way!

She's not like the lot at COBRA.

No ID, no entry.

Outrageous! Surely you recognise your own Prime Minister?

Faces change fast in the political world.

It's only the perks that stay the same.

Here it is, under your daily moisturiser!

Let's get in before the royals nab the best seats.

Here we are. Safe.

Just as I thought, the cowardly rats deserting the sinking ship.

They think because they're very important persons,

they'll survive in their pathetic bunker. Wroooooong!

As soon as the doorman closes the door,

my magnetic lock will shut them in...

Forever!

Ha ha ha ha!

I digitally enhanced the background noise on the tape.

A ship's siren?

I reckon it was shot within one km of the sea.

I listed all observatories in the UK.

Two are by the sea, one of them is five kilometres inland.

Leaving us Salt Bay Observatory.

-The cult's base?

-It has to be.

You'll need your mission gadgets.

A pen containing an inner-ear distorter.

It'll cause any attacker to lose their balance.

This hair-grip emits a deafening noise, useful to distract.

We're trying to save the world with a hair-grip?!

If we don't find Von Quark, what about St Hope's?

I'll bring them down here. I've faith in you.

The fate of the world is in safe hands.

This fake Sheik routine better work, hopefully they won't spot I'm wearing

bed linen.

Welcome, your excellency.

Sorry, no flip-flops.

This is a smart establishment!

You impertinent, overgrown doorstop, do you know who I am?

I am the Grand...Sheik!

What kind of a crooked set-up are you running here?

Come back when you've got some proper shoes.

You'll live to regret this!

Why aren't I in any of your solos?

I dunno. Blame Rose.

We should really test this inner-ear distorter.

HIGH-PITCHED BUZZING

-Satisfied?

-Very!

I just need some air...

I don't remember you having claustrophobia.

Dad, there's a lot of things you don't know about me.

Look, Daisy, I know I haven't always been there for you,

but all that's going to change.

You've said that a billion times before.

It took the end of the world for me to realise what's important.

-You.

-I'll see you back inside.

Keep an eye on her.

So who decides who's on the list?

The powers that be.

The rich and powerful look after themselves.

What about everyone else?

Be happy you've got a place in there. There's lots who haven't.

This guy, Von Quark... it says he signed in this morning?

-Is this him?

-Yes, except he'd done something with his hair.

-What?

-Lost it.

I remember him because he signed in, then left not long after.

You're sure about that?

Where are you going? I'm about to lock the door!

Tell my dad he was right - you have to know what's important.

I've changed my shoes!

I am a very important person!

Poor Stewart. You're not the only one in a hole.

40 minutes to go.

PHONE RINGS

Daisy! What happened?

I've realised I'm more MI9 than VIP.

Knew you would! Rose and Blane have gone to the cult's observatory.

Give me the address, I need to get there!

This is where it all takes place.

We'll be starting in 15 minutes.

If this is a success, The Nutcracker beckons.

MUSIC STARTS UP

Not yet! Still no sign of Daisy?

Put this on. Now!

Spinning through the milky way comes a giant asteroid.

She reaches our solar system.

Yes, there is the sun!

And dear old mother Earth.

The Earth,

only 4,000 miles from the asteroid's path.

LAUGHTER

Modern dance. So expressive!

I'll locate Von Quark, you take out the kidnappers.

-Reverend Nye!

-Hand over Von Quark.

It's not too late, we can do a deal.

Ah, but it is too late.

They had their chances, but no-one listened.

..if I was in the middle of the children with the asteroid over...

Take cover! Come to the shelter!

Is this part of the show?

The government lied about the asteroid.

-we've only minutes before it strikes Earth!

Critchley, please, stop this nonsense!

I've got a month's supply of food and water!

-This way, guys.

-Aaaaargh!

Critchley, you are in very deep trouble!

Kenneth!

Look, whatever issues you have, we can sort them.

But everything is sorted.

K13 is on its way to cleanse the world of foolish humanity!

He's not going to hand over Von Quark. He's lost it big time!

Daisy!

Von Quark's not here!

He's right in front of you. Reverend Nye is Von Quark!

The old me. He no longer exists.

Von Quark the scientist has gone, because no-one would listen to him.

We're listening now. We need your calculation.

Ah! The Asteroid Defence Programme?

Pah! Those government idiots showed me mankind is not worth saving.

How can you say that?

You spent your life working towards this moment, saving the world.

But I am saving the world.

Mankind is part of the problem, not the solution.

Speak for yourself, domehead.

Come, we shall watch the New Gold Dawn together!

I want everyone to follow me immediately.

We must leave the playing field, now!

Hah! The elusive Mr Bicknall.

Sorry, this is an emergency. Follow me, everyone.

Stay where you are, children.

Follow me. That's an order.

Hang on, I give the orders round here! Children, what I would like...

We must evacuate the area immediately. Hurry!

Back line first, the rest in an orderly line.

Wait for me!

You wouldn't want to miss the end of the world.

I'll open the roof for a better view.

Have you got the gadget Lenny gave you? Wait for my signal.

Children are the future, not this!

The asteroid's about to hit. Get down!

Has it begun already?

Too late, we failed.

The asteroid hit Earth.

Witness the birth of a New Gold Dawn, beautiful, isn't it?

What a shame you didn't find the calculation in time.

Asteroid Defence Programme, priority red!

-What's she doing? It's all over.

Er, not quite. The asteroid hasn't hit yet.

But the devastation outside?

Rigged. Good job you're not into old movies.

You saw Stewart's sci-fi film hooked up to the telescope monitor.

Saved! I almost feel like hugging you. Almost.

Missile fired!

The Von Quark calculation will guide it to the asteroid's core.

'10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5,

'4, 3, 2, 1.'

Yes!

'Asteroid destroyed.'

Ms Templeman!

PHONE RINGS

Lenny, we did it! We saved the world!

Bicknall, is this a joke?

No, Mr F!

Er, health and safety.

-Health and...

-Safety.

There's a blooming big hole in that field, it's a hazard.

-Yes, but...

-As caretaker, I wouldn't be doing my duty

unless I get these kids off the field before some fool falls in there.

You may've saved the world,

but the government stooges in their bunker are finished.

The VIP bunker? My dad's in there!

I've put a magnetic lock on the door.

You'll never open it.

It's password protected!

Oh, Flopsy.

What a pitiful end for a master criminal.

I promise, if we're spared, I will give up crime forever.

I've only got one more attempt.

What's Von Quark's fake name?

The Reverend Isombard Nye.

-He had a middle name.

-Reverend Isombard Septimus Nye.

End is Nigh! Of course!

The Rever-end I-S Nye!

Asteroid alert over!

-What now?

-We go home and pretend to be heroes.

Marvellous! Oh, er... I'll need a victory speech.

Don't worry, Prime Minister. I'm already on it.

It's a miracle, Flopsy!

Thank goodness I kept my fingers crossed when I made that promise.

For I have new schemes.

Evil beyond imagining!

SCARY LAUGHTER

Mr Flatley, it's time.

Oh, right. Ready, kids?

Five, four, three, two...

one!

Where is it? There's nothing there.

'You're through to Linus Millar. Leave your message...'

Hi, Mum, how you doing?

Dad! Hi. Yes, it was a bit of an anti-climax, wasn't it?

Destroying an asteroid and saving Britain's VIPs. Not bad.

I should tell the others how I nearly let them down.

You didn't.

That's what counts.

We kicked as-teroid!

A good suit ruined. In Bicknall's bad books.

Humiliated in the national press.

What else can go wrong?

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd