The Sound of Silence My Almost Famous Family

# I don't wanna be either I wanna be next to you

# Black and gold, black and gold, black and gold

# Black and gold, black and gold,

# Black and gold. #

Good, honey! Well done, Martha.

Toyah, teeth!

OK, let's clear the stage for Annabelle!

-Hello! We have another half hour's...

-See ya.

-..rehearsal.

-Atchoo!

-Germ alert, guys! Let's get out of here.

And watch those vocal cords.

Atchoo! Hey, everyone. Say hi to Pixie, my new PR weapon...er, pet.

Aw-w-w...

Hey, Hadley, fancy a cuddle?

No. Oh, the pig? Er, still no.

Ugh!

Oh, more fan-mail, just for me.

Woo hoo! Woo!

Nothing. I've got to go sign a contract...autograph!

Autograph.

Yes!

When I saw poor Pixie in a rescue centre, I had to give him a home.

He's so special.

The thought of anybody eating him...

I'm sorry, I can't go...

On.

And cut.

Oh, God, he's so disgusting!

Somebody get me the pig.

Get her the pig! Pixie...

Pixie!

Hi there, Mrs Producer!

I've got this great new idea for the show.

Two words: Dr Music...

One word - no.

But you haven't heard it yet.

People phone in with their musical problems and the Doctor, i.e. me,

-helps them to, you know.

-No!

-So...

Fine. I'll do it without your five million viewers.

5.1, actually.

And get me something for my throat!

-Poor Annabelle. How are you?

-Infectious.

Well, what's a few little germs between friends?

Friends? A good friend would wipe my nose for me.

SHE SNORTS

Atchoo! Atchoo!

So, what is it you want..?

I'm sorry but Annabelle wants us to ditch our number

and have me sing on my own.

-I'm going to have words with Jill.

-No! I mean, well, I tried already.

So, after all that rehearsal, I'm not going to be in the spotlight,

in front of all those people?

OK!

I'm just taking this up to my room.

Isaac!

Isaac!

Isaac! You're in Hadley's room.

I'm painting your ceiling, remember?

-Oh, yeah!

-Now, erm, alpine frost or polar savannah?

-What's wrong with just white?

-Plain white? I don't think they do that.

GRUNTING

New ringtone. It's a phone as well.

Yeah, hi, Jill. All I'm saying is...

Go away! ..No, not you, Jill.

Look, if Annabelle wants to change our song, give us more notice.

Aretha's idea...?

Who's Tallulah from Big Trick Records?

Toyah, that file was marked "secret!"

Call that a file? No dates, no system, no...

No big deal. A major record company wants to offer me a solo contract...

Major? They can't even spell "contract"!

You guys will manage without me.

Probably. Anyway, this could be my big break!

In this family, you don't trample over others.

You're singing with Toyah and Martha.

What?

No. I mean...brilliant.

-But still no.

-I thought you wanted to sing?

-I do! It's...

just...Aretha's my sister,

and I wouldn't want to stand in her way.

Well, Toyah! That is so sweet!

Hey, bro! We are going to have fun tonight! A real bad boys' sleepover.

Hadley, I need to tell you something. Do you remember Annabelle's pig?

Pig! I can still smell it. You know, I swear

-if I ever see that pig again I'll...

-Oh, Hadley!

Thank you.

Yay! Ha-ha!

Not funny, Isaac. Isaac, I can't see. Isaac! I can't see.

Isaac! It's all gone dark. Isaac!

Look, I think it's time we had a serious chat

about what the word "sleepover" means.

Hi, I'm the Doctor.

Doctor Music. And welcome to my musical surgery.

Are you labouring over an arpeggio?

Do you urgently need to know more about lutes?

Whatever it is, your problem is my problem.

I've got a problem - I just can't stop singing!

# Me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me! #

-Pretty much sums up your philosophy.

-# Me, me, me, me, me, me, me! #

You realise you went up three semi-tones?

# Me-me-me-me-me... # Aargh!

THUMP!

GRUNTING

Pixie! Pixie!

Annabelle, stop it.

PIXIE SQUEALS

Hey, Hadley.

Were you just licking me?

Yes.

-Why?

-You didn't find it funny?

-No.

-Well, maybe you had to be there.

I was - being licked by you!

Aargh... Ow.

SHE HEARS NO SOUND

SHE HEARS NO SOUND

# Baby show me, what's your favourite trick that you want to do, show me

# And I'll volun... #

SHE HEARS NO SOUND

SHE HEARS NOTHING

-SHOUTS:

-I can't hear anything!

Yes, hello. I'd like to make an appointment, please.

My daughter has lost her hearing.

The important thing is not to worry.

I'm not saying that she's deaf. She just can't hear.

-SHOUTING:

-I suppose you're all talking about me?

-No.

-No.

OK, honey,

we have to go - now.

PHONE RINGS

Hello? Oh, hi, Annabelle. ..Why would we have seen your pig?

No-one's stupid enough to steal a pig.

-All right, where is it?

-Where's what?

-Your brain!

-You know what Mum and Dad say about stealing pigs!

-No...

-Don't steal pigs.

-But he's happy here.

-Cooped up in your wardrobe?

-He's not in my wardrobe.

-He's in yours.

-What..?

Oh, no.

-Ah, he likes you.

-Get it off me now.

No way are you taking him back. Annabelle is planning a hog roast!

-Oh, Annabelle, such a joker!

-Look at him! Go on, look.

How could you not fall in love with that face?

# If he could see you the way that I do

# I know that he'd fall in love with you, too

# To me you're a full English breakfast on legs

# Maybe I could love you, if you came served with eggs

# Cos I'm the bad boy of rock

# I don't do sweet, but look at your cute little piggy feet

# And your curly tail and pink, snouty nose

# And those porky eyes are quite sweet, I suppose

# Maybe if he held you for a second or two... #

Ah, little piggy-wiggy, cootchie cootchie coo!

Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy?

I'm his daddy.

PIXIE GRUNTS

Wicked, Pixie's on TV.

So, please, if you know anything, pick up the phone.

Pixie needs me.

He also needs these for his poorly ickle tummy.

-PARP!

-Ugh! Ugh!

PARP!

Trans-Siberian snowflake!

Doctor Music, any interesting conundrums?

Like, "How do you sing a sonata?"

-Ah, the old ones are the best.

-Woo hoo! Everybody relax.

-It's a double ear infection.

-Oh.

It affects my balance. Probably caught it off Annabelle.

Everybody relax. Don't panic and don't breathe. Aretha,

you know the drill, go up to your room.

We'll bring you up some food and a bucket.

But Tallulah from Big Trick Records is coming. I have to be able sing!

You won't be able to hear yourself.

They said that to Stevie Wonder. I bet they feel pretty stupid now.

OK, you think you can sing.

All right, let's hear you.

# Hallelujah, hallelujah

OFF KEY: # Hallelujah

VERY OUT OF TUNE: # Hallelujah, hallelujah. #

Whatever!

Remember, whatever your musical problem, feel free to call

or text or e-mail now. Your problem's my problem.

PHONE RINGS

-Hello. You're through to Dr Music.

-'Hello?'

-Is that Dr Music?

-'Yes, it is caller.'

What is your musical problem?

Is anybody there?

If you can hear me, I can't sing and I'm on TV in three hours.

Hello. Hello.

Yes, OK. I will help you.

We've got to take him back. He needs those pills.

-PIG BREAKS WIND

-Urgh! Now!

You do it, I can't bear it.

'Have we got a show tonight. I'm so excited about the three guests...'

'Where are you going? Where's he going?

'Who is he and why is he panning away from me?'

Where is my latte?! It's cold. I don't want a cold one, do I?

Does anybody know what they're doing?

Can you get off my hair!

PIG SQUEALS

I think she just saw last week's ratings!

PIG SQUEALS AGAIN Oh no!

< ARETHA SINGING BADLY: # And tell me what you see

# You ain't seen the best of me yet... #

That's Aretha, she never gives up.

Gary, we have to make her give up.

< TOYAH: OK, how about we try sticking to one key.

OK, but someone's going to have to sing.

No, listen.

TOYAH SINGS BRILLIANTLY # Baby, look at me and tell me what you see

# You ain't see the best of me yet

# Give me time, I'll make you forget the rest. #

No!

OK, we've heard what Aretha thinks.

-Toyah?

-You want me to sing? On my own? On television?

I know you said you're happy for Aretha to sing on her own,

-but I can tell that you were disappointed.

-No.

It's nice to be reminded what a beautiful voice you've got.

I'm so proud of you, Toyah.

Toyah's singing!

# MUSIC - Theme tune from Fame

I don't want to feel it. I want to hear it!

I want to sing it! You have no idea what it's like!

Martha!

DOORBELL

No!

Hadley stole your pig.

He wanted him out of the way so he could have you all to himself.

Hadley, you naughty boy.

I guess I couldn't help my feelings.

I forgive you, on one condition.

PIG FARTS LOUDLY

-Disgusting! Get him off me.

-It wasn't me!

-Wait, your pig.

-You can keep him.

Result, we can keep the pig.

Or we can not keep him, I'm easy!

OK, everyone. Into the van.

Aretha, is there anything you would like to say?

-Is there any more frozen yoghurt?

-I meant, good luck.

Yeah, that too. You'll need it.

What are you doing?

Sneeze on me, give me your cold.

You know what, they're not bad kids really.

Toyah, into the van.

I'm not the one leaving me at death's door

to run off and steal my solo career.

For the last time, I can't sing.

Frozen yoghurt.

# MUSIC - Theme song to Fame

Yes.

# And tell me what you see

# You ain't seen the best of me yet

# Give me time, I'll make you forget the rest... #

Martha, you crazy fool.

# I can catch the moon in my hand

# Don't you know who I am?

# Remember my name, Fame!

# I'm going to live forever

# I'm gonna learn how to fly High!

# I feel it coming together

# People will see me and... #

Still to come on the show, we are in perfect harmony with... Atchoo!

'Go to camera two and disinfect camera one.'

I'll catch you up. Right behind you.

Aretha, your guest is here.

My vest? Oh, my guest. Is it Tallulah?

Do I look like your personal assistant?

Oh, my gosh, this is it. Hello fame!

-Aretha.

-You're Talulah from Big Trick Records?

You blagged your way in here.

You throw them a line and you get them to sign.

Works every time.

Toyah, I know we mustn't rush nature,

but we're on in five minutes. Toyah.

-What is the problem?

-There is no problem.

< I'm not doing the song.

-OK, there is a problem.

-I'm going in.

MUFFLED: I'm still not doing the song.

Hello!

Boo!

-I'm not talking to you.

-OK. You want to play that game.

-MOBILE RINGING

-Hello.

Hello. I know you can hear me, even though I can hardly hear you.

Is that Dr Music? Many sister is a really talented musician,

and guess what, she can even sing.

But you know what the problem is, she's scared.

All right. I'm scared. It's all right for you,

you're a gobby, annoying, confident show off.

-So could you be if you made the effort.

-I don't have what you have.

I don't have what I have. It's an act.

Inside this fantastic shell is a little sluggy thing like you.

And this is making me feel better, how?

OK. Forget the little sluggy thing.

-Just concentrate on the fantastic show.

-You have one. I don't.

And I have to be on stage in five minutes.

So, get out there. Don't make me make you.

SHE SCREAMS

Martha, you're a genius.

SCREAMING

All right, enough. Do you know how many germs those things have?

I'll sing the song, just call off the brushes.

That's all we have time for tonight,

but here to play us out, as ever, we are in Perfect Harmony.

APPLAUSE

MUSIC STARTS UP

# If the fish swam out of the ocean

# And your legs suddenly started walking

# And the apes climbed down from the trees

# And they started talking

# And the stars fell out of the sky

# And my tears rolled into the ocean

# Now I'm looking for a reason why

# You even set my world in motion

# Cos you're not really here

# And the stars don't even matter

# Now I'm filled to the top with fear

# But it's all just a bunch of matter

# Cos if you're not really here

# Then I don't want to be, either

# I want to be next to you

# Black and gold, black and gold

# Black and gold

# Black and gold, black and gold

# Black and gold. #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

# Almost famous and it's killing me

# I'm one step off from where I gotta be

# La la la la la la la la la

# La la la la la la la la la

# La la la la la la la la la

# La la la la la

# Woo! #