Episode 1 Nowhere Boys

-What are you doing?

-It's pawpaw. It's fruit, right?

It's for itchy crotch.

HE SPLUTTERS

BIRDS FLUTTER

That doesn't sound good.

We should get moving.

Come on. Now.

THUNDER RUMBLES

Killer storm.

Run!

Faster, nerd, faster!

# Water, fire, earth and air # Water, fire, earth and air

# Water, fire, earth and air Elements that we don't share

# Walk upon this earth again Walk upon this earth again

# Walk upon this earth again Walk upon this earth again... #

LOUD KNOCKING Felix! Cut it out. >

-Hey, Oskie, want to hear my rad new song?

-Sure.

Felix, get your father.

Get your father!

-Dad!

-We need to go.

I'm fine, Mum. Really, I want to go to school.

-He says he's fine.

-The thermometer says differently.

-Have you got the car keys?

-Where did you leave them?

I don't know, that's why I'm asking you.

-Here they are.

-You need to make your own lunch and pack the dishwasher too.

-Did you sign my permission form?

-What form?

-Mum!

-Great song.

Ken, can you call Dr Atkin?

Can you forge my mum's signature?

-Or we could just not go.

-It's compulsory.

Come on, Ellen. Forgery is your superpower.

And I should be using it for pure evil, like identity theft,

-not some dumb bushwalk.

-It'll be fun.

We'll hang out together, make cutting, insightful observations

about our fellow students, except it will be in nature.

-I hate nature.

-I arranged for us to be together.

-Pen.

-Thank you.

Oh, hey - want to listen to this new song I wrote?

MUSIC PLAYS THROUGH HEADPHONES

# Water, fire, earth and air

# Water, fire, earth, air... #

-That's good!

-It is, isn't it?

Sarah, open up!

Come on, Sarah. I know you're in there, come on!

-You're gonna be late for school.

-You're gonna be late for work.

You're three weeks late with the rent again.

-Just duck out the back.

-Not with him at the door.

Sarah, I know you're in there. I know you can hear me.

KNOCKING CONTINUES

I'll deal with it.

Come on, Sarah. Seriously.

Don't tell the whole town about my private business.

-Is that what this is about, Phil?

-Well, no, Sarah.

Why don't you hassle my ex for the child support he owes?

If Gary paid his debts, I could pay mine

and the world would be a better place.

Yeah. Well, you know that I can't get it from Gary.

Welcome to my world. Jakie?

Have a good one, love.

My dad's a loser. What can I say?

Bye, Sarah.

I'm not sick, Nonna!

I'm sorry, Mr Bates, we just don't think it's a good idea.

-Andy has so many allergies.

-Bush is bad place!

Many poison things sting you. You probably die.

Look, behind you!

Come back, you silly boy!

-Catch your brother!

-Watch out!

Your high-impedance filter should be before your low-pass filter.

-No, it shouldn't.

-Dad!

Mum and Nonna won't let me go on the school excursion.

And, if I don't go, it could impact my future.

I might not even get into medicine.

Tell me, how does a bushwalk relate to medical studies?

-Or law!

-Either one.

Team building. Team dynamics? Working in a team!

Come on, Dad. Bear Grylls's mum would have let him go.

Oh, man, that drive was scary.

-Your brother's doing very well.

-He went through a stop sign, Mum.

And he nearly hit a woman with a walking frame.

I'd have got her if she didn't move so fast.

Hey! Are we still capturing our stunt?

Oh, yeah, man, I should get the camera.

-Mum, I'm dedicating it to you.

-What a suck.

I wouldn't miss it for the world.

Sam, I've got a special feast planned for tonight.

-Lamb roast?

-With barbecue sauce.

-Yeah...

-Sweet!

-Sam, say hello to Mia.

-HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: Ooh, Mia!

See you later, suckers.

Say hi, Sam. Have a good day.

Boy band's here.

"Ooh, I'm so good-looking. Everyone loves me."

-He's such an air-head.

-His girlfriend is so far up herself.

Good morning, bushwalkers. Ready to leave your comfort zones?

Andy, you made it.

Hand me your permission slips before you get on the bus.

Thank you, Andy.

Although I don't like the look of those clouds.

And he scores goal for Bremin!

-Awesome goal.

-Jack, you hit the post?

Oops, sorry. I thought it was your head.

All right, everyone on the bus.

Whoa!

-After you, Andy.

-Bates! Favouritism.

Jacob, it's "sir" to you. Permission slip, please.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Sorry.

Sorry!

-Sorry.

-Sorry.

Is that the stink of rotting flesh?

When's the last time you rejects had a shower?

-So funny...

-Yeah.

-Do you remember what day it is?

-Um...

Friday?

It's our anniversary.

Oh, a year. Already. Wow!

It's awesome, babe. Thank you.

Hey, I'm shooting a sponsorship video tomorrow

and I'm going to be skating a 12-stair rail.

-Hey, come along and cheer. You'll look great.

-Thanks.

OK, listen up. Welcome to the Year 10 science excursion,

which is quite literally a walk in the park,

the Bremin Ranges National Park.

In groups of four, you will orienteer a 7km walk

to a pick-up point marked on your map.

You are expected to identify flora and, with any luck, fauna.

Now, in the interests of breaking down social barriers

and as a little treat for me, I have pre-selected the groups,

so don't expect to be with any of your friends.

THEY ALL SPEAK AT ONCE

-She freaks me out.

-Who?

The witch lady.

Maybe she'll turn us into zombies.

I think she'd starve if she ate your brains.

Funny!

Agh!

OK, Year-10s, form groups of four as I call out your names.

Daniel, Alexis, Tammy, Mike.

Mia, Trent, Dylan and Ellen.

-I thought we were together.

-He must've changed it.

Next is Christian, Michelle, John and Kathy.

Join your group, Ellen.

I'm not going!

Then we have Jake, Sam and they are with Andy and Felix.

Brains and brawn. Excellent choice, sir.

Seriously? Sir, are you right in the head?

No, I'm your teacher, Jake.

-Hey, brainy dude...

-Hey.

Which leaves...Shirley, Madeline and Brian.

Come on, let's hitchhike back to town.

I heard that, Ellen, and no, obviously.

Now one member from each team, come and get a map and a compass.

You will orienteer.

-Did you get a map?

-Got it.

At the third marker, lunch and refreshment will be provided.

Aim to be there by 1:30pm or miss out.

And I expect you all to be at the fourth and final marker

by 4pm on the dot. No late-comers.

Yeah. And how am I supposed to win with these two netballers?

It's a team-building exercise, Jake, it's not a race.

-It's always a race.

-Let's do it.

Come on.

Can't you just go a little faster?

I could if I wasn't carrying twice my body weight in food.

Wait up!

You know this is a half-day stroll, right, not a five-day trek.

In my family, this is travelling light.

-What is this?

-Chicken's feet.

Ooh, disgusting!

Bear Grylls drinks liquid squizz from a camel's stomach.

What is wrong with you?

-What's with the hole?

-It's a poncho, obviously...

In case it gets cold.

I'll poncho you to death if Trent beats us. Get it?

Sure. No poncho.

Come on, we can still win.

I guess we'd better humour him.

-What about recording the flora?

-Trees, trees and more trees.

'Eucalypts proliferate.'

Yo, losers!

I can't believe he beat us.

Footie coach says, when you're going through hell, keep going.

That was Winston Churchill.

Goths say, if you're going through hell, stop, cos you've arrived.

Look, Trent's beating us, and he's got real girls on his team.

I resent that.

If you want to win so much, there's a short cut.

This way.

Good one, Dracula. Let's go.

Maybe it's not such a good idea to leave the path.

-Can I see that map?

-Just concentrate on keeping up.

-Short cut to where?

-Well, it looked like a short cut.

I'M the map guy.

-We should have brought a GPS.

-Nothing. We're officially nowhere.

-Meaning, we're lost.

-Great.

-We're not lost.

He's slipping!

Agh!

Is everyone OK?

-Whoa!

-Did anyone see my backpack?

-Or the map?

-You lost the map?

-You're the map guy!

-Totally failed there, dude.

-Bear Grylls would find a river.

-Why, to get nude and eat a slug?

Waterways lead to civilisation.

My dad reckons that if you point the 12 when you watch at the sun,

north is halfway between the hour hand and 12.

But I guess he wasn't wearing a digital.

Come on.

HE IMITATES BIRD CALL

HE IMITATES BIRD CALL

-Food break.

-Again...?

-What is wrong with your metabolism?

-Guys...

Come on. Let's go.

Mr Bates!

What time is it?

-It's 4:08.

-They'll wait for us, right?

There's your bag, Andy.

We've been walking in circles.

Does it have any food in it? I could eat my own arm.

You know your body can't digest its own flesh.

I was joking.

They'll send a search party... Or a helicopter.

-Hey, we're gonna be on the news!

-Bear Grylls would light a fire.

Any idiot would light a fire. Haven't you ever been camping?

My family's from Singapore. We don't camp, we shop.

Mr Bates!

Mr Bates!

-I'm freezing.

-Yeah.

I wouldn't mind a poncho right about now.

Do you think we'll starve to death before we're rescued?

Like the rugby team that crash-landed in the Andes?

-What rugby team?

-Just...forget I said that.

ROAR IN DISTANCE

What was that?

Have you guys heard that story about the giant panther

-living in this forest?

-It's totally a myth, dude.

PATTER OF RAIN

Man. Rain!

-I like the rain.

-Come on!

How about some music to...

just cheer us up?

HE PLAYS METAL MUSIC

# Water, fire, earth and air

# Water, fire, earth and air

# Water, fire, earth and air, elements that we all share

# Water, wash our sins away

# Earth, guide us to a place

# Wind brings with it fear

# Flames of fire, we must face

# Walk upon this earth again, walk upon this earth again

# Walk upon this earth again

# Walk upon this earth again, walk upon this earth again

# Walk upon this earth again. #

That was supposed to be cheerful?

FIRE FIZZLES OUT

Great!

THUNDER

What are you doing?

It's pawpaw. It's fruit, right?

It's for itchy crotch!

ROAR-LIKE SOUND IN DISTANCE

That doesn't sound good.

We should get moving. Come on.

Killer storm.

Run! Run!

It's getting closer!

Faster, nerd, faster!

This way!

-Whoa! Whoa!

-Don't attack us!

Hang on, you're attacking me, aren't you?

-No, we're lost.

-And we're starving.

And being chased. By nature.

Well, there's nothing there now.

Oh, no, help yourself.

-It's like, a tornado was chasing us.

-Ah... Now that IS unusual.

This makes no sense whatsoever.

Not everything out here is easily explained.

-Hey, what about us?

-I was literally starving to death.

-Do you know what 'literally' means?

-It means you're a selfish-guts.

Sorry, dudes. - Not to worry.

The Henriettas have plenty more.

Where did you find the solar panels?

Oh, I, ah, I scavenged them from a dump.

-Awesome.

-Can you tell us how to get to Bremin?

Better still, I can take you there.

Thanks, Roland.

From now on, you be careful in that forest, boys.

Thanks, Roland.

That thing that was chasing us, it was weird.

You're not wrong.

Dreamtime stories are all about evil spirits in the bush.

That's superstition, not science.

Science doesn't explain everything.

-Superstition does?

-Stop it, you two.

Not much of a reception. Where's the cameras and the newspapers?

Oh! Reception.

-None. Have you guys got any?

-I must be out of credit.

Does our disappearances and miraculous reappearance

seem like a bit of a non-event to you?

-Normal for me.

-Weird for me.

Yeah, well, my mum will be freaking out.

So I'm out of here. You have a good life, losers.

-We can't just separate.

-We just had a classic male-bonding experience.

-Brief man hug?

-No way.

-Uh-uh.

See you in school, then.

I've never seen you or you. I don't know you or you.

Either of you talk to me, and I'll crush you.

Well, I need food. See you, brainiac dude.

Goth dude.

I thought we bonded.

See ya.

Bye, guys.

Mum!

SPORT PLAYS ON TV

Woo! And the crowd goes crazy as he returns from the wild.

-Sh! Keep it down!

-Really?

Is that all you have to say? I'm back.

-Back from where?

-Yeah, so we smell!

Viv!

Hey, Oskie.

-How'd you go at the doctor's?

-What doctor?

-Dr Seuss, what do you think?

-What are you talking about?

-Mum was pretty sure you were sick.

-Me?

What's your problem?

-You can stand!

-Yeah.

And I can walk too. One step, two steps.

-Oscar, what happened?

-How do you know my name?

Who are you?

Stay away from me, all right?

Hello? You seen my mum?

-How am I supposed to know your mum?

-Who's in our house?

-You're crazy.

-What did you say her name was?

-She works here. Sarah.

Are you sure she didn't just go out somewhere?

-Women do that, you know.

-What do you think happened?

My theory is, while we were lost in the bush, our families experienced

mass delusional hysteria.

How good does it feel to be home after last night?

-We've only got this low-sugar stuff.

-Why is your brother walking?

Oscar can walk, but my family can't remember me.