The Humbug Hotel Old Jack's Boat

Ha!

And good day to you!

# This is the place to be For Salty Dog and me

# Down by the harbour we'll be there

# Round every corner There's something to share

# Give us a cheer Our friends are here

# Just Salty Dog and me. #

Ha ha! Come on, Salty!

# This is the place to meet Down at the end of the street

# Seagulls flying up in the blue

# There's always a cup of tea Waiting for you

# Out in the sun having some fun

# Just Salty Dog and me

# Haul away! Haul away! Sing a song of the sea

# Hoist the sail I'll tell you a tale

# Of Salty Dog and me

# This is the place to go And these are the people we know

# The village is busy With things to see

# And there's the Rainbow Down by the quay

# There's stories to tell Join us as well

# Just Salty Dog and me. #

PHONE RINGS

SHOP BELL RINGS

Good morning, Emily!

-Come back here, you naughty seagull!

-Trouble, Emily?

SQUAWK! I'll say! That cheeky seagull

has just taken my last bag of humbugs.

Humbugs? I was just going to buy some.

Oh, well, you're out of luck, I'm afraid.

Salty, we need a hand, here. See what you can do, girl.

Fetch those humbugs!

SEAGULL CAWS

SALTY BARKS

Hello, Salty!

Can't stop, busy, busy.

SHE RINGS HER BIKE BELL

There we are, Captain Periwinkle.

I'll leave your cake decorations here.

Thank you, Miss Bowline-Hitch.

Busy, busy!

SHE RINGS HER BIKE BELL

Hello, Salty! Nothing for you, I'm afraid.

It's Operation Cake Bake today.

You know, I really miss my humbugs, I do, Emily. You know what I mean?

Oh, Salty! Any luck?

Nothing? SALTY BARKS

Oh, never mind, you did your best.

-So, no humbugs for me, then, is it?

-Looks like it.

I could do you some lovely sherbet lemons.

Sorry, Emily. No, no. You're very kind,

but it's humbugs or nothing for me. Thank you very much. Come on, Salty.

Let's get back to the Rainbow. Honestly...

I know, you did your best, Salty.

There she is! The Rainbow.

What have you got for us today, my dear?

Hey! Come on, Salty.

# Dee-dee dee-dee. #

Here we are.

Yes, settle yourself down there, girl.

Well... No humbugs, eh, Salty? Oh!

Do you know, I do remember a time we had trouble with humbugs. Yes.

It was when we visited the Humbug Hotel. Do you remember?

Yes. Let me get comfortable and I'll tell you the story.

This will whiffle your whiskers, my girl.

Once upon a twinkly time,

the Rainbow set off from Staithes,

waved goodbye to Whitby

and disappeared over the horizon.

# Just Salty dog and me

# Upon the briny sea

# With the sun in the sky and the odd little treat

# We're happy to say that our day is complete

# Chugging along, singing a song

# Just Salty dog and me. #

Ha-ha-ha!

Ah, it was a very exciting day for me

because I was expecting a special delivery of my favourite treat -

humbugs.

Salty and I scanned the skies to see if Brenda was on the way.

And suddenly...

Wee! ..something dropped from above

and landed - plop - right in my lap.

It was a small sweet,

covered in stripes.

A humbug.

Then, with a flappity crash,

Brenda landed on the deck.

"I'm sorry I'm late," she squawked.

"Yes, one of your humbugs nearly landed on my head!"

"I'm afraid that's the only one I could find," said Brenda,

rather dramatically.

"There's not a humbug to be seen anywhere.

"It's a worldwide humbug crisis."

It was true, Salty had read it in the papers. I scratched my beard.

What were we going to do?

One humbug wasn't enough for a treat.

"There's always the Humbug Hotel," suggested Brenda.

"It's run by Walter, the tigerfish. Tigerfish love humbugs,

"and there's always a big jar of humbugs

"sitting on the reception desk."

"Of course! The Humbug Hotel!"

Well, we thanked Brenda, and Salty and I set off at once.

So before you could say jiggly-juggly jellyfish,

we were under the sea.

Soon, we were at a tall, stripy door.

A very important looking fish

in a stripy uniform,

with gold buttons,

stood outside and announced,

"Welcome to the Humbug Hotel!"

We went inside and suddenly

a tigerfish popped up

from behind a very large reception desk.

"Hello, I'm Walter," he said. "Can I help?"

"Well," I said, "I was rather wondering if

"the Humbug Hotel could spare a few of its humbugs?"

Walter stopped what he was doing

and pointed a fin at a large, empty jar beside him.

"Haven't you heard?

"There are no humbugs anywhere. It's a worldwide crisis."

And he burst into tears.

"It's not the humbugs I'm worried about," wailed Walter,

"it's Princess Tigerfish!"

Salty and I had no idea who he was talking about.

Just then, the tall, stripy door swung open

and an elegant tigerfish swished into the hotel.

Walter looked up at her with wide eyes.

"Princess Tigerfish!" he gasped.

The Princess smiled.

Walter stared and stared at her,

completely speechless.

Salty nudged me.

"Walter's in love," she said,

in a whispered woof.

The Princess smiled again.

"Hello, I'm here to try the finest humbugs."

Walter's face fell.

How could he tell her there weren't any humbugs to be found anywhere?

I nudged Salty. "Let's give him a hand," I said.

Then I offered to carry the Princess's suitcases to her room.

"That would be lovely," she said.

Walter dashed after us and pressed a button for the lift.

Well, when the lift reached the top floor,

Walter rushed down the corridor

and unlocked the door to the Princess's room.

It was a wondrous sight.

Stripy silk curtains,

a gorgeous sea view,

and a huge comfy bed,

with a stripy mattress

that looked as soft as a cloud.

"Oh, it's lovely!" cried Princess Tigerfish.

"I can sit at this window and munch humbugs all day."

Well, before Walter could tell her that there weren't any humbugs,

I suggested that the Princess tried the bed.

"It looks ever so comfortable," I said.

So, forgetting about humbugs for the moment,

the Princess settled on the bed.

But as soon as she snuggled down,

"Oh!" she squeaked, and she leapt up.

"There's a lump in the mattress!"

I could tell poor Walter was most upset by this.

"What shall I do?" he whispered to Salty and me.

"Let's put another mattress on the bed," Salty said.

"Then maybe she won't feel the lump." So we did.

But the Princess could still feel it.

So we put another mattress on,

and another, and another,

and another one after that.

But every time, the Princess could still feel the lump.

By now, the mattress pile was so high,

the Princess was almost touching the ceiling,

and there were no more mattresses in the hotel. "What now?"

said poor Walter, who was blushing so brightly,

you could hardly see his stripes.

And that was the moment that Salty's whiskers

started to whiffle.

She was having one of her bright ideas.

"I think I know what that lump is," she barked.

And she started to take all the mattresses down.

I helped out and, as we worked, Walter gazed at the Princess.

And the Princess kept smiling back.

Finally, we got to the last mattress.

Salty lifted it up with her paw,

and what did we find under it?

Yes, a humbug!

Well, Walter was horrified.

"I'm so sorry," he cried.

"I must have hidden it there, in case we ever ran out."

"And have you run out?" asked the Princess, quietly.

Walter looked at her sadly.

"We have," I'm afraid.

"It's not much of a humbug hotel, is it?"

We all wondered what the Princess would do next.

"Well," she said, "that just makes this last humbug

"even more precious. Would you like to share it with me?"

Well, Walter was astounded.

"That... That would be...wonderful," he spluttered.

And so we left Walter and the Princess

sharing the last humbug, on a golden plate,

and looking dreamily into each other's eyes.

Back on board the Rainbow, Brenda delivered a newspaper

and Salty read the headline.

"World-wide humbug crisis over.

"Prince and Princess Tigerfish to start humbug factory."

"Hooray for them!" I cheered.

"That means there should be plenty of humbugs waiting for us

"when we get back!"

And so we set our course for the horizon

and sailed back happily

to Staithes, and home.

And humbugs, of course.

I do love a humbug!

There, do you like that story, Salty?

All true, of course.

Mind you, my stories always are.

Ha-ha-ha!

Come on.

Oh, hello, you two!

-Take a seat, Jack.

-Oh, thank you, Captain.

You look a bit down, sailor.

Well, we've had a humbug crisis today.

-Oh, really?

-Yes.

-Well, perhaps Operation Cake Bake

-can come to your rescue!

-No, no, no.

No cake for me, Captain. It's humbugs or nothing for me today.

Hmm. Then take a look...at this.

-Ooh!

-Humbug sponge!

Ooh, would you look at that, Salty!

I found a bag of humbugs in the cake decoration box

-and didn't want to waste them, so I popped them on top.

-Ha-ha!

-A good sailor never wastes anything.

-That's wonderful.

Do you know, this is the perfect way to end a very humbuggy day!

Got to keep things shipshape.

-Here, I'll cut you a slice.

-Oh, yes, please. Yes. Oh!

I can hardly wait!

Ooh, I'm looking forward to this!

-Oh, it smells lovely.

-Ah!

-Just a big piece, please!

-OK. Ha-ha!