Russia Remotely Funny

Oh, hello! Welcome to Remotely Funny.

Hi everyone. My name is Saara and this is Remotely Funny,

the show that has the power to go anywhere in the UK.

I'm coming in wirelessly,

hi-jacking your home and then offering you prizes.

You can play if you're in your PJs,

you can play if you're grounded, you can even play if you're

midway through the world's longest game of hide-and-seek.

Today, I'm in Russia.

If I'm here, where exactly are my daring Remotely Funny

contestants today?

Let's meet them.

First up, it's Josh. Hello, Josh.

Hello.

Josh is 12 years old and from Leicester.

He's a keen vlogger, and likes to vlog about his holidays.

Josh is a huge football fan.

He plays for his local team and has won a lot of trophies.

-Tell me who's with you today.

-I'm here with my dad and my mum.

Lovely to meet your family.

-Hello, parents.

-Hello.

-Hello.

So, you've been to South Africa 15 times.

So what is the best thing about South Africa?

Probably the coast and everything. It's just beautiful.

Always blue skies every day.

And the people, they're just so down-to-earth.

You walk past and everybody will be smiling.

Oh, my goodness, that sounds so good.

Well, Josh, do you have anyone to share your bedroom with?

Like a brother or a sister or...

I have a gecko. I have a tarantula.

And I have 16 African snails.

Can you get me one of those animals?

Can I please see one of your pets?

Oh, so cute!

-What is its name?

-Mr G.

Mr G. Mr G is so cute.

Josh, it is time to meet...

Sophie. Hello, Sophie.

Josh, say hello to

Sophie and her crew.

Hi Sophie and her crew!

11-year-old Sophie is from Newcastle.

She describes herself as a bookworm and wants

to be an author when she grows up.

Sophie hates spicy food after accidentally eating

a jalapeno pepper.

If she was Prime Minister she would insist everyone take a selfie a day.

-Who are you with today?

-With me are my mum and my dad.

Lovely to meet you all. Sophie, you've written your own stories.

What type of stuff have you written?

I've written quite a few drama and horror stories

-a few quest stories as well.

-Could I be in one of your stories?

What would I be doing?

You'd probably be on a trip in Russia.

Look at that. Connecting the dots here. I like you.

I am a big fan of languages,

and I hear your Spanish is

coming along nicely.

Can you speak to me in Spanish?

Hola, buenas tardes

y me llamo Sophie

y once anos.

I like that. I like that.

Well, Sophie, finally we are

connecting to Shanai.

Hello, Shanai!

Everyone say hello to Shanai.

-Hello, Shanai!

-Hello Shanai!

11-year-old Shanai

is from East London.

She's the youngest of seven.

Shanai once swam with stingrays

but is terrified of fish.

She loves taking selfies,

the word "delicious",

and her favourite subject is maths.

Hi Shanai, and who are you with today?

I'm with my mum Sonia, my dad Steve, and my sister Jodie.

Lovely to meet you all.

Shanai, you are very well travelled.

What is the best place

you've visited and why?

Antigua, because it's home for me, really.

There's a lot of things to do as well, so, yeah.

Shanai's mum, is Shanai helpful at home?

She loves to cook, is really,

really good in the kitchen,

so she'll cook all day long,

but then the mess takes about

two days to clear up.

Nice, I like to hear that.

Well, parents,

it is time for you to leave.

Go and make tea and tut loudly

at the local paper or something.

It is time for me to tell you about the two prizes up for grabs.

One is the respect of everyone you know when you're

a Remotely Funny champion,

and the second is the Remotely Funny hoodie,

which will earn you the respect

of everyone you don't know

when they see you wearing it.

The beautiful hoodie can also be worn as an evening outfit

by simply leaving it on until it's evening.

Order yours today by winning this game.

OK, Sophie, Josh, Shanai,

it is time for you to show me your worst game faces. Grrr!

Grrr!

-Grrr!

-Grrr!

That is very intimidating. Good job.

It is time to play the first game.

This is called Bedroom Bonanza.

I name something, and you have to collect it for me.

The first one back with the item wins three of my precious samojis.

It is time for item number one.

Go get me something you would put under your pillow.

Go! Go, go, go, go, go!

Go get me something you would put under your pillow.

And it better be creative!

Come on, Josh, you are number one.

Shanai coming in as number two.

-Sophie, what is that?

-A onesie!

-Why would you take a onesie and put it under your pillow?

-So it's safe.

I like that, OK.

What do you have, Shanai?

-My teddy.

-OK, and why would you put

your teddy under your pillow?

Cos it's comfortable.

What about you, Josh?

We had to move all our pillows around,

then I'll have something to lay on.

OK, well, it makes sense.

And Josh, you were back first,

-so that means you get three samojis.

-Yay!

Next item.

I want something

to impress your friends with.

Come on!

Come on, come on, come on, kids.

Something to impress your friends with.

Come on, we don't have all day. BELL RINGS

Shanai is back first.

And Sophie, what are you going to impress your friends with?

-Sophie, what do you have?

-Designer perfume.

-That must mean you smell really nice, Sophie.

-Yeah.

Josh, what did you bring me?

-I brought a game controller.

-Oh, interesting.

So how would you impress your friends with a game controller?

I could probably play against all of them

and probably beat them, hopefully.

Wonderful. I like that.

-Shanai, what do you have?

-My phone.

Why would you impress your friends with your phone?

The fact that I have a phone.

You would impress your friends with a phone? I see. OK. I'll take that.

Shanai, you were back first,

so you get three samojis.

Yay!

And Sophie, because you smell good,

I'm going to give you one extra samoji.

-Yay!

-Great job, great job.

Item number three.

Go get me something alive.

Go get me something

that breathes and pulsates.

And Josh is back first.

And Sophie is back.

And Shanai. Wonderful.

Well, Sophie. Tell me about this specimen you've brought.

My mum.

You are just too cute.

Josh. Can I see it closer?

It is so cute.

-Shanai, who did you bring me?

-My dad.

-I like that.

Josh, you were back first,

-so you get three samojis.

-Way!

Shanai, do you maybe want to come a little closer to me, please?

This is just for you. It's personal.

I've got a chance for you to win an extra samoji.

Does this interest you?

-Yes.

-So earlier, I asked your mum to tell me the one thing she

has to nag you about the most.

If you can tell me what she said,

I'll give you a little something extra.

Tidying up my room.

Yes! That is the correct answer!

You get an extra samoji for that.

Let's check in with the samojis.

Sophie has one, Shanai has four,

and Josh is in the lead with six.

OK, the next game is my all time favourite number one,

or sometimes, number two(!)

It's time for Toilet Takedown!

Everyone, to the toilets. Take me.

Come on, Sophie.

Pick up your little laptop.

Take me to the toilet.

Come on, peeps, we have four more samoji-licious rounds to go.

Is everyone sitting comfortably? ALL: Yes.

This is a guesstimating round.

The closest to the actual answer gets the samojis.

I want you to write your answers on the loo roll.

The record for the most wooden toilet seats

broken with the head in a minute

was achieved by Kevin Shelley

in Germany on September first 2007, but how many did he manage to break?

And yeah, obviously, don't break toilet seats on your heads.

It's not only pointless. It's also dangerous.

How many did he manage to break?

KLAXON SOUNDS

Now come to the screen and hold up your answers.

Josh, what does yours say?

-Eight.

-Interesting.

-Sophie, what does yours say?

-130.

-Shanai?

-65.

The correct answer is 46, so Shanai, you get three samojis.

Yay!

Yeah, good job. On normal telly, you usually have a quick break.

But here on Remotely Funny,

you have a quick break from the toilet to watch TV.

It's time for LooTube.

I'm going to ask you a question about the video,

and the first one to flush the loo gets to answer.

For an extra samoji,

what do you think happens next

in the video?

OK, stop.

TOILET FLUSHES

Josh, you were first.

What do you think happens?

Does she trip over the dog and she falls in the pool?

Let's have a look at the video.

Josh, that is correct.

-You get one samoji.

-Yay!

And of course, never dance near a pool.

-Sophie is still on one...

-Yay!

-..but Shanai and Josh are both tied on seven.

-Yay!

-Yay!

I'm in the mood for a delicious snack,

which is totally convenient, because it's time for Food Flash!

Let's stroll to the kitchen. Let's go to the kitchen.

It's time for the third game. Let's get creative in the kitchen.

I love Russian food.

But I do get very homesick,

so I like to take time

to remind myself of my favourite

Finnish delicious delicacies.

So for this game I'm going to be showing you

a Food Flash picture of one of them,

and you have 45 seconds to recreate it.

Samojis for the player who makes their dish

look as close to the picture as possible.

The best thing about the Finnish cuisine, of course, is the Finnish

gravy, called Ruskea kastike, which is Finnish for

"unpronounceable gravy".

Repeat after me. I love Ruskea kastike!

ALL TRY TO PRONOUNCE "RUSKEA KASTIKE"

Wonderful. Today's dish is called Crumpetkekopetekopeteka,

and here it is.

IN FINNISH ACCENT: Today's dish is a delicate cheesy souffle

of puffballs served on

sumptuous bed of sweetcorn and crispy crumpets, all deliciously

dressed with a compote of enchanting room temperature gravy.

Voila.

EATS NOISILY

Delicious.

COUNTDOWN BEEPS

Start cooking!

You are top chef, and shout orders at your family.

You're going to need all the help you can get.

And remember, the Finnish gravy is the most important part of the dish.

Sophie, amazing, amazing, I sense some teamwork here.

-Shanai, who's helping you today?

-My mum, my dad and my sister.

Wonderful. Josh, tell me what you're doing.

Putting the massive crumpet thing on.

Mmm, wonderful, wonderful.

Ten seconds left!

Wow, Shanai, you've finished already.

Five, four, three, two, one - stop cooking.

KLAXON SOUNDS.

Everything down.

Shanai, show me the dish and tell me about it.

There's sweetcorn on the bottom,

two crumpets, the chocolate spread

on top, loads and loads of cheese balls,

and then the famous gravy.

Wonderful. Josh,

how does this compare to your

favourite South African steak?

I would lose my appetite if I had to eat this.

Josh, you shouldn't have said that. But it does look beautiful.

Sophie, can I see your dish?

Mmm, it looks lovely.

Do you want to tell me something about it?

Yeah, it's got some sweetcorn,

then it's finished off with some

tomato ketchup, and the delicious gravy.

Perfection!

So when do you think the next time you're cooking this dish

-is again?

-Tonight.

-We're going to have that for tea, are we?

-Yeah.

Well, your plate bears the most resemblance

to the original picture, so you get three samojis.

Yay!

But Shanai, for finishing before the time was up,

-you get one samoji.

-Yay!

Well, everyone, let's put them to the taste test.

Bonus samojis for parents that try it.

And I also want you to love it,

and show me that.

Come on, everyone eats the delicacy.

Shanai's mum really goes in.

Sophie's dad. Oh, yeah.

Josh's dad is really biting into that.

And so is the mum.

Everyone tried it out, so everyone gets bonus samojis.

Round of samojis for everyone.

Josh, my little bundle of joy, come closer, will you?

This is just for you.

I asked your dad what his favourite food was.

If you can give me the same answer as him,

I will give you an extra samoji.

What do you think he said?

What's it called, what's it called? Oh, no!

B... b... bobotie? I don't know.

Yes! The bobotie, that's the correct answer! Good job, Josh.

-What is that, exactly?

-I don't know.

It's got a mince base,

using bananas and currants

and all kinds of different things.

That sounds delicious, to be honest.

Now the only scientific way to check who's ahead

is by looking at the samojis.

Sophie is on five.

But Josh and Shanai are still

tied for first on nine samojis.

Join us as we journey to

the centre of the living room.

Let's play Remotely Funny Families.

Let's go, to the living room.

Take me there.

We're on the final straight.

Only two more chances to grab some fabulous samojis.

Sophie, which of your parents

has the worst moves, and why?

Probably my dad because he thinks he can dance but honestly he can't.

He can't?

Josh, apparently your dad doesn't have dad moves,

he has grandad moves.

Can you show me what they're like?

Amazing, amazing, Josh.

-Shanai.

-Yeah.

What kind of music gets your mum on the dance floor?

-Any.

-Any?

OK, well that's a great quality in this game,

because I've given you a pedometer,

but you won't just be given samojis

for the most energetic dancing.

It's all about the style.

Check this out.

TRADITIONAL RUSSIAN MUSIC

Parents, I hope you've oiled your knees,

as it is time for some Russian dancing.

Check that your pedometers are turned on, and set to zero.

Hold them up to the camera

so we can see them.

Parents, get into positions.

Ready?

KLAXON SOUNDS

Dance! Dance, dance, dance!

Move to the music. There's a hoodie at stake here.

Come on, remember - Russian.

Good job, Shanai's mum.

I'm not sure if that's Russian but I like it.

Sophie's dad, what are you doing?

Good job, good job.

Stop moving your aged bodies,

and put your children out of this pain.

OK, parents, come back over.

Sophie's dad,

you get one samoji for cringe.

Shanai's mum,

you get one samoji for style.

Yay!

And now let's see those pedometers.

Bring them to the screen.

Now, Shanai has 88,

Josh has 139,

and Sophie has 104.

Josh, that means you get

three samojis for most steps.

Josh, where is that on the scale of one to

"Dad, don't ever talk to me again"?

Well done, Dad, because I've never

seen him do that before.

Oh, amazing, amazing.

Sophie's mum,

how long will it take for you

to get over that?

A long time. I'm still in shock.

Me too. I definitely feel your pain.

Dad, are you feeling all right after that tumble?

-Oh, yes, fine, fine.

-OK, good, good.

Shanai, talk me through all the feelings you felt watching that.

I felt really embarrassed. Very, very funny whilst he was doing it.

Let's loop.

TRADITIONAL RUSSIAN MUSIC

Sophie, if you want an extra samoji, bring your face close to mine.

Your mum told me that your dad has a weird habit.

If you can tell me what that habit is,

I'll give you a sweet slice of samoji.

Dipping jam on toast in his tea.

That is the correct answer.

Sophie, you get your extra samoji.

-Congratulations.

-Woohoo!

Well, samoji time, everyone.

Sophie is on seven.

Shanai is on 10.

But Josh has taken the lead with 12 samojis.

It's the decider.

So parents, leave the room so you can't help your kids.

Go and get a buzzer.

Get hold of anything that makes a big noise.

I've got mine. ACCORDION WHEEZES

Delightful. This game is called Say What You See-mojis.

Look at my samojis and tell me

what they're meant to represent.

First person to buzz in and guess correctly wins the samojis.

First Say What You See-moji. I feel a bit...

BELL RINGS Oh. Did I hear a bell ring?

Shanai, what do you think it is?

Sick waves?

No! Josh, Sophie, who wants to buzz first?

Who has the answer?

-MARACAS SHAKE Sophie?

-Under the weather?

No, not really, no. Josh?

-Is it "high temperature"?

-That's not the correct answer.

No-one gets a samoji for that.

The correct answer was "sea sick".

Next one. It's something American.

-BELL RINGS Oh. Shanai?

-Cowboy.

Yes! You get three samojis for that.

-Good job, Shanai.

-Woo!

And finally. What is this?

BELL RINGS Shanai?

-Bird-watching.

-No!

DRUM BANGS

-Josh?

-Is it "bird's eye view"?

Yes. Good job, Josh.

You get three samojis for that.

Amazing. It's over. The samojis are in.

And I am buil-ding up the ten-sion

by speak-ing reall-y slow-ly.

And today's Remotely Funny winner is...

..Josh! Congratulations, Josh!

Woo! That's a Finnish celebration,

or as they say here in Russia, "Woo!"

Yeah, it's the same in every language.

Josh, I will be sending you

a limited edition Remotely Funny hoodie.

Shanai and Sophie, you don't go home empty-handed.

We will be sending you an exquisite Remotely Funny souvenir.

And Josh, we're sending you some Remotely Funny crickets for Mr G.

They're escaping! Aaahh! Guys, come back!

Now, get your families back in the room.

Big thanks to you, Josh, Sophie and Shanai,

and your families for letting me poke around your beautiful pads.

You've been immense. It's been Remote.

And we've all been pretty Funny.

So for now, it's "play the music"! Dasvidanya!

THEME MUSIC PLAYS

Come on Josh, dance!

Everyone, dance!

It was a pleasure.