England Remotely Funny

SHE ATTEMPTS RHYMING SLANG

Oh, sorry, just getting my head around

a couple of crucial need-to-know phrases.

Welcome to Remotely Funny!

Hey, everyone, I'm Saara and this is Remotely Funny,

the show that has the power to go anywhere in the UK.

I'm coming in wirelessly, hijacking your homes and offering you prizes.

It's basically an excuse for me to nose around your homes.

Today, I'm in England.

MUSIC: God Save The Queen

If I'm here in England,

where are my fearless Remotely Funny contestants today?

Let's meet them! First up, it's Morgan.

Hello, Morgan, nice to meet you.

Hello.

Morgan is nine years old, lives in Aberdeenshire

and loves photography.

His favourite food is iceberg lettuce and cake mix. Yum!

-Who is with you today?

-I'm with my mum.

-Morgan, you like nature walks, right?

-Yes.

What's the best bit of nature

you've ever seen in your life?

Probably seeing a red squirrel for the first time.

I like that, that's very original.

Mom, I understand you do yoga.

Yeah.

Well, I seriously need some Zen,

so can you give me

a good "Ommm" now?

-Om.

-Om.

-Om.

Ommmm...

Well, it is time to meet Sofia.

Morgan and Wendy,

say hello to Sofia and her family.

-Hello.

-Hi, Sofia.

-Hi.

Nine-year-old Sofia is from Bristol.

She loves gardening and gaming.

If she had a superpower,

it would be to run very, very fast.

Sofia, who are you with today?

I'm with my mum, my dad and my brother.

OK, well, very nice to meet your lovely family.

Sofia's dad, is it true that

Sofia's nickname is Kung Fu Panda?

HE LAUGHS

-Did you seriously say that?

-Yes, it is.

And why is that?

Whenever we come to see her at night she is always

in a kung fu pose on her bed.

Her arm is out, her legs are out...

Mm-hmm, so you're a wide sleeper.

So am I. We have something in common, Sofia.

Finally, we are connecting to Ollie!

Hello, Ollie.

Everyone say hello to Ollie.

ALL GREET OLLIE

Ollie is ten years old

and also lives in Bristol.

He loves coding and recently won

Player of the Year

at his local rugby club.

Who's with you today?

I'm with my mum and my dad.

-Ollie, you play rugby, right?

-Yep.

-What is it exactly, is it an instrument?

-It's a sport.

I know what rugby is, I was just testing you!

OK, everyone, it's time to start the games.

It's time to ditch your families,

banish your parents to their room, say, "Bye, everyone!"

Bye! Away, parents, be gone.

No parents allowed in this room,

no adults in general.

OK, players, let me tell you about the mega prize up for grabs.

Firstly, the kudos of being

crowned Remotely Funny champion.

Secondly, an epic Remotely Funny hoodie.

Look at it, it's a work of art!

You can order yours today by winning this game.

Morgan, Ollie and Sofia, come on,

do your best game faces.

Remember, be loud. Argh!

THEY ROAR

Good job. Let's play.

This is Bedroom Bonanza.

The rules are quite simple.

I name something and you

have to collect it for me.

And the first one back with the item

wins three of my esteemed Samojis.

I'll also give them out if you bring me something

I can see you've really thought about.

Right, you guys ready

for item number one?

-ALL:

-Yes.

Great. Go get me someone else's used socks.

Go, go!

Go get me someone's dirty socks,

I want them dirty socks -

don't ask me why.

Come on, Sofia, come on, Ollie!

Who's going to be back first?

This is so exciting.

Sofia, you are back in first!

Where's Ollie and Morgan?

Ollie, Morgan, come on!

Who's it going to be?

Oh, and Morgan is back as number two.

Great job. OK, show me those socks.

OK, I need to know that they are not freshly washed. Let's sniff.

One, two, three -

give it a deep sniff!

Eugh.

Ooh!

-Ew.

-Cheese.

-Cheese.

-Onions.

-Onions.

Well, Sofia, you were back in first,

so you're going to get three Samojis for that. Congratulations.

Ollie, I really, really liked the sock that you brought,

I think the colours were amazing,

so I'm going to give you one extra Samoji for that.

Congratulations.

Is everyone ready for item number two?

I want something that you would take on a beach holiday.

What would you take on a beach holiday?

Come on, guys, put some thought into this,

because you don't want to just grab anything for a beach holiday,

you want it to be something actually useful or nice.

Oh, and Morgan is back first.

-Morgan, what is that?

-My tablet.

Why would you bring your tablet?

To keep me amused.

What about you, Ollie, what is that?

It is...a towel.

I love that, that is very convenient of you.

What about you, Sofia, what is that?

It's a bag.

OK, I see that everyone got excellent stuff

to take to the beach.

However, Morgan was in first,

so Morgan is going to get

three Samojis for that.

Yay!

Item number three.

Get me something you would give to an alien

as a welcome gift to Earth.

Come on, guys! What would you give to an alien

if it surfaced on earth?

It has to be something very nice, something very...whatever.

Come on.

Ollie, where's your gift?

-What is that exactly?

-It's a fossil.

A fossil. OK, why would you give that to an alien?

To show we have lived

on Earth quite a long time.

-So they wouldn't take over?

-Yeah.

What about you, Sofia? Why would you give an alien a plush dog?

Because I don't like it.

What is wrong with the dog,

-why don't you like it?

-It's serious.

So you only like happy dogs, huh?

Morgan, what do you have?

It's a singing bowl.

Ooh, I like it, very Zen of you.

BOWL HUMS

Why would you give a singing bowl

-to an alien?

-Peace offering.

I love that.

Morgan, one extra Samoji for you

for that excellent peace offering.

-Yes!

-And Ollie, three Samojis

for you for being back first.

-Congrats.

-Ah!

'So, let's have a look at the scores.'

Right, I'm hungry.

Hungry for our next round, which,

as luck would have it, is Food Flash.

Wash your hands, you little muck buckets,

cos we are heading to the kitchen!

Let's move! Take me to the kitchen,

Sofia, Morgan and Ollie.

'There's four more awesome games to come, so let's get moving.

'Those Samojis won't win themselves.'

We're entering the kitchen. Here we are.

Back in Finland, where I'm from,

we of course have many, many tasty treats.

So for this game,

I'm going to show you

a Food Flash picture of one of my favourite Finnish dishes.

And you have to recreate it.

Samojis for the player who makes

their dish look as close to

the picture as possible.

My favourite thing about Finland is the Finnish gravy.

It's called ruskeakastike.

Grab your bottles of ruskeakastike and repeat after me!

I love ruskeakastike!

-I love...

-..ruskee-gastika.

-..roos...

-..gas...

-Yes!

I love that.

-Today's dish is called kruglay-vachoo-la-goo-goo.

-'Yum!'

Today, our players are taking fresh crumpets and layering them

with mushy pea puree before pebble-dashing

with Bombay mix and biscuit,

before drizzling with ketchup jus and ruskeakastike,

the famous Finnish gravy,

before finishing it all off with a tortilla chip tuile.

SHE SNIFFS AND SIGHS WITH PLEASURE

Start cooking!

You're a top chef! And shout orders at your mum, dad and brothers.

Get everyone cooking.

OLLIE LAUGHS

Come on!

And don't forget the ruskeakastike, do not forget the gravy,

I'm telling you it is the most important part of this dish.

Come on, Morgan, tell me what you are doing there.

I'm putting the crumpets together with...

ENGLISH ACCENT: Lovely. What about you, Sofia,

what are you doing over there?

Just putting mushy peas in there.

OK. Ollie...

-Yes.

-Ollie, get someone to help you.

They're helping!

Shout for your mum! Five, four, three...

Do something!

..two, one!

Time's up, everyone,

put everything down. Stop cooking.

It is time to take a look

at your Finnish-ed dishes.

Bring them up and show them to me.

Sofia, I love it.

It is very clean and elegant.

Morgan, I like yours too.

It looks a little dry,

I personally would like a little bit more of that Finnish gravy.

Ollie, you went in with an abundance of everything.

Ollie, I think I'm going to have to give you three Samojis

for making the best dish.

-Woohoo!

-I need a taste test.

Bonus Samojis for parents that try it. AND enjoy it.

Let's show this dish some love.

Come on, everyone,

let's all taste this amazing kruglay-vachoo-la-goo-goo.

This looks delicious.

Sofia's mum, go ahead and take a bite of that crumpet!

Yes, how much do you enjoy it?

Morgan's mum, how is it?

Everyone gets bonus Samojis.

KIDS CHEER

Hey, Morgan...

this is for you, can you come

a little closer to me, please?

This is your big moment to win an extra Samoji.

How well do you think you know your mum?

Mmm...quite a lot.

OK, so can you tell me what her favourite pizza topping is?

No cheating, Morgan's mum.

Pepperoni.

No! I'm sorry, that wasn't quite it.

The correct answer was sweet ham-aroni.

Which is pineapple, ham and pepperoni.

Yeah, I made that up.

You were close, I'm almost going to

give you half a Samoji,

but we don't roll like that,

so you're not getting anything.

I'm sorry, Morgan. You know what?

I'm not done yet.

I'm ready to hand out another Samoji. Ollie, come closer now.

Ollie's mum, no cheating here.

Ollie, tell me what your mum's favourite dinner is.

A salad dish.

No! That's not even close,

because the right answer

was steak and chips.

I'm sorry, Ollie, you missed out on that extra Samoji as well.

Let's check in with the Samojis.

Flaming marvellous, as they say in England.

OK, I've had the call of nature.

You better head to the bathroom, it's time for a Toilet Takedown!

FLUSHING

'Two down, three more games ahead to win more Samojis.

'And our next one starts on the loo.'

ENGLISH ACCENT: Is everyone sitting comfortably on the privy?

-Yes.

-Yep.

Not too comfortably, please.

Right, go get a pen.

I need a pen for this round.

Good job, everyone is back.

Get stationed and we are ready to go.

Write your answers on the loo roll.

You've got ten seconds to think.

Here comes the question.

How many drinking straws full of water would it take to fill

a standard bathtub?

How many drinking straws filled with water would it take to fill

a standard bathtub? What do you guys think? Come on.

I'm sure you guys know this.

Hold up your answers to the camera,

let's see what you guys have got.

OK. Sofia, I see you wrote 1,000.

Morgan, what does your say?

-110.

-What about you, Ollie?

1,001.

'I'm not sure if any of you are very close, because...'

The answer is 17,000.

So, Ollie, you get three Samojis for the closest answer.

Woooo!

Woo-woo-woo-woo.

OK, while you're on the throne, let's have a LooTube moment.

Check this out.

Wow, that T-rex was awesome, I gotta tell you.

But I'm going to ask you a question about it.

The first one to flush

the loo gets to answer.

So, for an extra Samoji,

tell me how many times does

the T-rex do a full flip?

Sofia, what is your answer?

-Four.

-No, that is not correct.

What about you, Morgan, or Ollie?

OK, Morgan, what is your answer?

-Six.

-No, come on!

Ollie, how many flips did the T-rex do?

Is it...eight?

Noooo! Eight is not the correct answer, I'm sorry.

The correct answer is three.

So no-one gets an extra Samoji. Sorry, guys.

Toilet Takedown over.

but what has that done to the scores?

Sweet Samoji-winning, Ollie.

I am definitely impressed.

Onwards, my brave Remotely Funny contenders.

To the living room.

Let's play Remotely Funny Families.

Ollie, pick me up.

Morgan, let's go. Let's get going.

Because there are only two more chances to win more Samojis.

Hey, Sofia. Come closer, will ya?

I, earlier, asked your dad to tell me what

he does to embarrass you the most.

No cheating, Dad.

Sofia, I will give you an extra

Samoji if you match his answer.

What did he say, Sofia?

Did he say he sings Indian songs in public? Really loud.

You get an extra Samoji for that.

Congratulations.

SHE CHEERS

Well, parents. Are you ready to finish the lyrics?

-Oh, dear.

-Oh, no.

Yeah.

Ollie, can you do an impression of your mum's singing?

# La-la-la-la-la-la! #

That's beautiful. Very delicate.

It's good on the vocal cords too.

Morgan's mum. Let's hear you hold a tune.

# Laaaaaa! #

Beautiful. That was a clean B-minor.

Morgan, you can come from behind the sofa now. She's done.

For now, at least.

Sofia's dad. Come on, just a little tune here.

# I can't feel my face when I'm with you. #

Ha-ha-ha! I love that!

There was some actual originality to that.

Wonderful. Wonderful.

Contenders, find something your mums

and dads can use as microphones.

Come on. Get me a microphone.

Or not me. Your parents.

Morgan! Where are you?!

-I'm here.

-OK, he's back.

He's back, he's back, he's back, everyone.

I'm going to play each of you a song and when the music stops,

you need to finish the lyrics.

If you don't know the lyrics, make them up!

I'll also be awarding points for

your performance style.

Ollie's mum, you're going first.

Play the song.

# But I got this music in my mind

# And I don't know the words

-# Of this Taylor Swift song

-KLAXON

# But I'm giving it a go anyway... #

Keep going!

# Da-da-da-da

# Play, play, play

# There we go! There we go! #

Lovely. Lovely.

I love that. That was great effort, Ollie's mum. Great job.

But here's what it should sound like.

# And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate

# Baby, I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake

# I shake it off, I shake it off. #

Morgan's mum, it's your turn.

Morgan, are you looking forward to this?

-Nope.

-Awesome.

Hit the music!

# ..between us

# And a million miles...

Do it! KLAXON

# I'm the only person who has never heard this Adele song. #

No way! Come on!

It's been blasting on the radio for the past six months.

I'm disappointed, Morgan's mum.

Morgan, how are you feeling?

Horrible.

Now here's the real deal.

# Hello from the other side

# At least I can say that I've tried to tell you. #

Sofia's dad. What do you think about the competition so far?

It's pretty good so far.

I'm not looking forward to it.

That's a pity, because it's your turn.

Go track!

-# You're a real life fantasy, you're a real life fantasy

-Huh!

# But you're moving so carefully, let's start living dangerously

KLAXON Sing!

# Crazy, crazy, crazy...

# Go something, something, crazy, crazy

# I don't know any more, oh yeah. #

I love it. But this is what you should have sung.

# Let's lose our minds and go crazy, crazy

# Ah-ya-ya-ya-ya

# I keep on hoping we'll eat cake by the ocean. #

Three Samojis for Sofia's dad for overall style.

And for Morgan's mum, we'll give you one extra Samoji for cringe.

Ollie's mum, better luck next time.

I told you.

OK, peeps, let's loop.

# I'm the only person who has... #

# I'm giving it a go... #

# Go crazy, crazy... #

-# Who has... #

-# Giving... #

-# Crazy, crazy. #

-# Who has... #

-# Giving... #

-# Crazy, crazy. #

-# Who has... #

-# Giving... #

-# Crazy, crazy. #

OK. Stop! Stop that terrible noise!

I've had enough. So let's have a look at the scores.

Get rid of your parents.

Get everyone to leave the room.

You're on your own now.

Let's focus, everyone.

It's the last chance to win big.

Go and grab a buzzer.

Find anything that makes sound.

Cos I have mine.

CLINKS CUP

TAMBOURINE SHAKES

TAPS JUG Wonderful.

PAPER SLAPS

That's gonna work perfectly fine.

Everyone lean in and listen carefully.

This game is called Say What You See-mojis.

Look at my Samojis and tell

me what they're meant to represent.

First person to buzz in and answer

correctly wins the Samojis.

First one.

Something you might see on a hot summer's day.

Ollie. What is it?

Ice cream van.

Yes! Congratulations, Ollie.

You get three Samojis for that.

Our next Say What You See-moji is a TV show.

Sofia. What's your answer?

Is it Cats Dancing?

No! I'm sorry, Sofia. That is not the correct answer.

Ollie, you came in second. What's your answer?

Tom And Jerry.

No! Morgan, do you have an answer?

Dancing Cats.

No, not quite.

The answer was Copy Cats.

THEY GROAN

This is the final question.

This is something that will help you get up in the morning.

-Ollie.

-Alarm clock.

Yes, Ollie, you get three Samojis for that.

Well played, everyone. That's it.

Everyone sit tight and I will reveal

that today's Remotely Funny winner is...

Ollie.

CHEERING

Congratulations, Ollie.

Congratulations.

Yes! Yes! Yes! That's a Finnish celebration.

That's a British one.

Ollie, congratulations.

I will be sending you a limited edition Remotely Funny hoodie.

Sofia and Morgan, you don't go home empty-handed.

We'll be sending you an exquisite Remotely Funny souvenir.

Get your families back in the room!

Get everyone back in the room.

Big, big, big thanks to you, Sofia, Ollie and Morgan,

and your families for letting me nose around your abodes.

You've been immense. It's been remote.

And we've all been pretty funny.

Play the music. Cheerio, chaps!

Yeah! Yeah, Morgan. Dance for me!