Scotland Remotely Funny

IN GAELIC:

Oh, hello! Welcome to Remotely Funny.

Hi, everyone. My name is Saara and this is Remotely Funny.

The show that has the power to go anywhere in the UK.

I'm coming in wirelessly,

hijacking your home and then offering you prizes.

You can play if you're in your PJs,

you can play if you're grounded,

you can even play if you're supposed to be revising for a science exam.

Today I'm in Scotland.

So let's meet my Remotely Funny contenders.

First up, it's Freddie. Hello, Freddie!

-Hiya!

-Hello!

Freddie is ten years old and from Brighton.

He loves comic books and superheroes.

His favourite is Captain America.

He's written over 20 of his own comics.

Freddie's favourite food is toast.

He even took cold toast to school for lunch.

When he grows up, he'd like to be an author or musician.

Who's with you today?

I've got my mum, dad and big brother, Marcus.

Well, lovely to meet your family.

Freddie, I know you're learning to play guitar.

Can you show me your best air guitar impression?

SAARA IMITATES GUITAR TUNE

Cool. You're not the only one playing today.

Say hello to rival number one - Yasmin!

Freddie and family, meet Yasmin and her crew.

Hello!

Yasmin is 11 years old and from Merseyside. Her nickname is Yazzi.

She dislikes pastry but loves walking on sand dunes

and is a dance fanatic.

Yasmin has a deaf dog, called Bob,

a kitten, called Storm,

and a big fluffy cat, called Tiger.

Who are you with today?

This is my best friend, Alicia.

This is my mum and my grandad.

Lovely, lovely. Yasmin's mum, how would you describe Yasmin?

Gregarious, stubborn and very, very confident.

That's kind of me in a nutshell.

Yasmin, I feel like we have a lot in common. I like you already.

Yasmin, I know you're pretty good at running.

-Have you taken part in any school races?

-Yeah.

There was a school race and there was the whole of Year Seven,

there was, like, 200 and I came ninth.

That's amazing.

Well, we're going to need that competitive spirit of yours today,

so hold on to that.

Finally, connecting to contender number three - Tristan.

Hello, Tristan. Everyone say hello to Tristan and his peeps.

-Hello!

-Hello, Tristan.

Ten-year-old Tristan is from Stoke-on-Trent.

He absolutely loves Lego but hates spaghetti hoops.

His biggest habit is he hums to himself all the time.

When Tristan grows up, he'd like to be an actor

and his dream role would be Doctor Who.

-Who are you with today?

-I am with my dad and my mum.

Lovely. Tristan, what makes your mum a good team-mate?

She's really good to work with and she's really kind

-and gives out good ideas.

-Hm, I like that.

-Tristan, I know you want to be an actor one day.

-Yes.

I need your best brooding, angry actor face.

Grrr!

That's pretty scary! Right, we're going to get this show on the road.

Is everyone ready to gie it laldy, like they say here in Scotland?

-ALL:

-Yeah!

Awesome. Well, let's get it started.

Ditch your families, this is between me and you.

Get oot, mums, dads, siblings and pets.

-We're going!

-Get out!

-Out with you.

-We're not video chatting for fun, contenders.

There is a mega prize up for grabs.

Do you want to know what you can take home?

Even though you're already there.

Well, firstly, it's the honour of being crowned

a Remotely Funny champion.

Secondly, you get your mucky little paws on the prize.

The Remotely Funny hoodie. Look at it!

But not for too long, you might get hypnotised by its magical powers.

But you can order yours today by winning this game.

Now, Freddie, Yasmin and Tristan, give me your best game faces.

Let's play.

This is Bedroom Bonanza.

The rules are simple -

I name something and you have to collect it for me.

The first one back with the item wins three

of my sweet, sweet samojis.

All right, is everyone ready for item number one?

-Yeah.

-OK.

Get me something that is purple.

Go! Go get me something that is purple in colour.

Oh, Yasmin is back as number one.

Good job. And Freddie as number two.

Wonderful. Great job, Tristan. Freddie, what do you have there?

-A pen.

-A pen?

Can you show it closer, so I can make sure that it really is purple?

I didn't really know.

I'll take it. It's like a light purple. What about you, Tristan?

-What do you have there?

-I've got a purple T-shirt.

Wonderful. Yasmin?

-Just a hair comb, you know?

-Beautiful.

Yeah, I do know hair combs.

-Yasmin, you are back first, so you get three samojis.

-Whoo!

Congratulations.

Item two - go get me something you would pack for a sleepover.

First one back gets three samojis.

What would you take for a sleepover?

Oh, and Yasmin is back first again.

-Yasmin, what do you have there?

-Some socks. My feet get really cold.

-What do you have there, Tristan?

-Pyjamas.

What about you, Freddie?

A random sleeping bag.

A random sleeping bag.

Yasmin, you came in first, so you get another three samojis.

Whoo!

However, Freddie, because the thing that you brought actually

has to do with sleeping, I'm going to give you one extra samoji.

Yarr!

SAARA LAUGHS

You have the best celebration.

Item number three - get me something you would wear to the school disco.

Go!

Who's going to be back first? Tristan. Come on, Tristan.

Come through, Tristan.

Yes! There we go.

Yasmin, are you ready?

Ohh, wonderful. Black-and-white stripes, I like that.

Tristan, what did you bring me?

-I brought you a shirt.

-Wonderful. I like the colour.

Why would you wear this particular T-shirt?

Because it's smart and nice. I like smart things.

What about you, Freddie? What do you have?

A T-shirt as well.

And why would you wear this particular shirt?

Well, just because it's quite cool and I like cool

-and it's going to a disco and I like it.

-Hm-mm.

I like cool stuff as well.

Yasmin, why this shirt?

Actually, a sleeved T-shirt and I really like it

and it's striped as well and girls have to have their stripes, so...

Exactly. Well, I like your shirt as well, Yasmin.

However, Tristan was back first.

That means three samojis for Tristan.

-Yes!

-Awesome.

Freddie, we are going to need your dad for this, so call him in.

Dad, get in here now, please.

I like you said please.

-Hiya!

-Hello.

So, Freddie, earlier, I asked your dad

who has the grossest habits in your house.

And no cheating, Dad.

If you can give me the same answer as your dad did,

I'll give you one extra samoji.

Who has the grossest habits in the house?

It's between two people. Probably...

..my little brother.

No! That is not the correct answer!

Who was the other person you were thinking of?

Freddie, what do you think your dad's worst habit is?

When I'm about to go to bed he always dances in his pants.

Dances in his pants?!

Dad, can you tell us what your grossest habit is?

-It's probably my blowing off!

-PPPRRT!

-Oh, wow.

-SAARA LAUGHS

Well, I've had enough of this. We need to look at the scores.

Congratulations, Yasmin. You've set the pace.

Toilet Takedown, here we come.

Everyone move to the toilet!

All right, Yasmin, give me a little house tour.

I'm just at the hallway, right now. In there is my mum's bedroom.

Is everyone sitting comfortably?

-Yes.

-Yes.

-Yes.

This is a guesstimating game.

The closest to the actual answer gets the samojis.

Go get a pen and let's find out.

I want you to write your answers on the loo roll.

And here comes the question.

How many litres of water falls over Niagara Falls in one second?

Remember, don't ponder on the answer.

It's a quick jobbie.

Scottish for poo. Put your pens down.

And come to the screen and hold up your answers at the same time.

Freddie, what does yours say?

500,000.

110,000.

150,000.

Freddie, you came the closest.

The correct answer is 567,811 litres.

So three samojis for you, Freddie.

The toilet is the perfect place for thinking,

or watching LooTube, if you don't have strong opinions about hygiene.

Put your loo roll down and take a look at this.

Now stop.

For an extra samoji, I'm going to ask you a question

and the first one to flush the loo gets to answer.

What do you think happens next?

Freddie, you were first. What do you think happens next?

I think the thing jumps off of the chair and...

..does a roly-poly or something.

What about you, Yasmin?

I think that the dog either jumps off it and hits the cameraman,

-or spins on the chair.

-Tristan?

I think it falls off the chair and does a front flip.

Let's have a look.

SAARA LAUGHS

The answer was he starts dancing. So no-one gets an extra samoji.

What a disgusting couple of minutes.

Don't forget to wash your hands, you mucky monkeys.

I want to see what's cooking in Food Flash.

Let's go to the kitchen, everyone. Take me to the kitchen.

Pick up your laptops.

Tristan, can you talk while you walk?

I'm going downstairs to the kitchen.

Freddie is already there, I see. Freddie, you're fast as lightning.

As I'm in Scotland today, I've been enjoying the local cuisine.

I never thought of deep-frying pizza with my chips.

Well, anyway, in Finland, where I'm from, we have our own specialities.

So for this game, I'm going to show you a Food Flash picture

of one of my favourite Finnish dishes and you have 45 seconds

to recreate the dish.

Samojis for the player who makes their dish look as close

to the picture as possible.

My favourite thing about Finland is the Finnish gravy.

It's called ruskeakastike.

Show me you've got the bottle?

Hold it up and shout, "I have the power"!

-ALL:

-I have the power!

"I have the ruskeakastike."

-ALL:

-I have the...

-THEY OFFER VARIOUS PRONUNCIATIONS

Exactly.

Today's dish is called

put-it-down-in-a-big-bowl-and-hope- for-the-best, and here it is.

Today's dish is beans baked in bean jus on a baguette base

covered with a reduction of chocolate,

drizzled with ice cherries

and obviously a good dollop of Finnish gravy.

SHE LAUGHS MANICALLY

Start cooking! Shout orders at your family.

You need all the help you can get.

Beans, beans.

Good job, Freddie. Get all your possible family members to help you.

You're going to need it all.

This is going to be lovely!

Tristan, tell me what you're doing.

I'm putting the beans around the...

-Edge?

-Edge.

Remember, the one that looks closest to the actual dish

gets three samojis.

All right.

Stop cooking, everyone.

It is time to look at your Finnish-ed dishes.

-Tristan.

-It's bad.

Yasmin, your dish looked the closest to the picture.

-Yasmin, you get three samojis.

-Whoo!

It is time to put these to the taste test.

Can you bring your parents in to taste it for me, please?

Bonus samojis for parents that eat it.

I want you to love it too.

It is worth it, I'm telling you.

Mmm.

Hmm-hmm-hmm.

Oh, Freddie's dad is really going in.

How much do you love it?

I could watch this all day.

Everyone gets a bonus samoji for trying it.

Congratulations.

Tristan, come forward for me, please.

This is your chance to show off how well you know your family.

For an extra samoji,

can you tell me what's the weirdest thing your mum likes to eat?

Definitely wasabi.

No! That is not the correct answer.

Mum, tell me the answer.

I eat shredded wheat but I don't eat it in a bowl.

I eat it on a plate with boiled water tipped on top of it

and squished down with butter smothered all over it

and salt sprinkled on it and that's how I eat my shredded wheat.

Well, Tristan, you just lost your extra samoji. Sorry about that.

Let's check in with the samojis.

Head to the lounge. I'm so ready for Remotely Funny Families.

Everyone go to the living room.

Two games to go and samojis galore to play for.

Yasmin, how far do you think your mum could get on Strictly?

-Not far at all.

-THEY LAUGH

Yasmin's mum, you have to prove her wrong, right now.

Give me a dance move.

Oh. Boogie, boogie, boogie, boogie, boogie, boogie. Whoo!

SAARA LAUGHS

Yasmin, how do you like that?

I don't at all.

I want energy, I want style, but most of all I want laugh.

Parents, take a look at these crazy moves and get ready for a spot of

Highland dancing with a modern twist.

Oh! This is going to be good.

Check your pedometers are turned on and set to zero.

Three samojis will be awarded for the highest score.

Extra samojis will be awarded for flair.

Now, put them on your parent.

Parents, take positions.

Now dance!

Move to the music.

There's a hoodie at stake here.

Remember, most steps equals most numbers on pedometer.

Remember, style counts.

Tristan's mum is actually kind of great at this.

Yeah!

Now Freddie's dad going in.

END OF ROUND KLAXON

Is it OK to look now? OK, parents, come back closer.

Freddie, you get one samoji for cringe.

Yeah!

Yasmin's mum gets one samoji for overall style.

Whoo!

Let's see those pedometers.

Tristan's mum gets three samojis for most steps on pedometer.

THEY CHEER

Congratulations.

OK, well, if that wasn't embarrassing enough,

let's loop it all together and watch it all again.

Yasmin, come here.

I asked your mum, what's the thing you do that annoys her the most?

For one whole samoji, what do you think she said?

Erm... Tidy up my clothes?

That would be a first.

That is the correct answer!

You get an extra samoji for that.

Whoo!

All right, time to look at the samojis again.

Which means Yasmin is dancing to her very own tune.

Smug parents, you've enjoyed getting your own back on your children

but no family needed in this next game, please leave the room.

Players, get your heads in the game. It's the last chance to win big.

This game is called Say What You See Mojis.

Look at my samojis and tell me what they're meant to represent.

First person to buzz in and answer correctly wins the samojis.

Now go and get a buzzer.

Get a hold of anything that makes a big noise.

I've got mine.

HE PLAYS BAGPIPES

Tristan, what is that?

Something that makes a sound like a duck.

Well, it definitely does. Freddie, what do you have?

I have a bell.

How perfect. Yasmin, what do you have?

-A rainmaker.

-Wonderful.

First one, Say What You See Moji. Let's have a look.

-Tristan.

-Couch potato.

Yes! Tristan, that means three samojis for you.

The next one.

It's a CBBC TV show.

-Yasmin, what do you think it is?

-Blue Peter.

Yes! That means three samojis for you.

And finally, our last Say What You See Moji,

think lunchtime.

-Tristan.

-A fruit salad.

Yes. That is three samojis for you, Tristan.

Great job. No-one move and I can reveal that...

SHE IMITATES DRUMROLL

Today's Remotely Funny winner is...

..Yasmin!

Whoo!

Congratulations, Yasmin.

Blup-blup, wahh! That's a Finnish celebration.

Ya dancer! That's a Scottish one.

Yasmin, I will be sending you the future heirloom

that is the Remotely Funny hoodie.

Tristan and Freddie, you don't go home empty-handed.

We will be sending you some remotely expensive

Remotely Funny merch.

Get your families back in the room.

Come now, please.

Big, big thanks to you, Freddie, Yasmin and Tristan and your families

for letting me tear into your lovely homes.

You've been immense, it's been remote

and we've all been pretty funny.

Play the music!